Fate Grand Order is the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.
Still Better than Black Keys: The Series.
Chapter Three: Do you Think this A Stands for France?
A tall, shapely woman with long silver hair and pale skin, wearing black armor and holding a black standard, stood before seven circles skillfully drawn on a stone floor.
"Heed my words," she said. "My will creates your body, and your sword creates my destiny. If you heed the Grail's call, and obey my will and reason, then answer me. I hereby swear. That I shall defeat all evil in the world. But let thine eyes be clouded with the fog of turmoil and chaos. Thou art trapped in a cage of madness, and I the summoner who holds thy chains... Seventh Heaven clad in the great words of power! Come forth from the circle of binding, Guardian of the Scales!"
She slammed the standard down, and all circles glowed blue, each manifesting a different human figure now standing on it.
The wicked beauty smiled. "Thank you for coming, my fellow Servants. I am your Master. You know why you were summoned, yes? Destruction and slaughter, those are your orders. If a city is reveling in spring, destroy it. If a town is celebrating spring, devastate it. No matter how evil or cruel, God will forgive your every transgression! Should He mete out punishment, that is fine in its own way. For this is no more than a means of proving God's existence and His love!" she gestured dramatically.
One of the summoned beings raised a hand.
"Speak," the woman said.
"What if the city, or the town, whatever, is reveling in summer or celebrating autumn, what are we supposed to do then?"
The woman blinked. "What?"
"I asked, what if-"
"I heard you perfectly the first time!" the woman threw her hands up. "What I mean is, I can't believe you're that stupid! I know you're Berserkers, but damn! It's spring! Why would they be reveling in summer or celebrating autumn!?"
"Well, how would we be supposed to know? You summoned us in this dark room with no windows, for all we know it's summer outside!"
"It does feel a bit too hot for spring," another Servant said. "Are you sure it's still spring?"
The woman facepalmed. "Spring, summer, autumn, winter, it doesn't matter! Just kill them all! Devour their souls! Feast on their flesh! Savor their blood! After all, one of you is motherfucking Carmilla, and another of you is fucking DRACULA!"
"I hate that name," one of the mem grouched.
"I have fucked many women, but never my mother, that would be gross," one of the women said.
"It's a figure of speech!" their summoner said. "I have but one order. Wipe out this country, this mistake that is France! Overrun it, trample it, reap it! Let us begin with our dear Orleans. We shall return its fruitful land to a bare wasteland! Age, gender, and religious beliefs are of no importance. Make sure you kill them all equally! That is the only order I give you as your Master. To that end, I have given you all the attributes of a Berserker. You may be saints, or heroes, but now you shall dance with your broken soul! State your names!"
She pointed to one of them. "Berserk Saber!"
"C'est moi, Chevalier D'Eon!"
"Berserk Rider!"
"Ughhhh... Do I really have to do this? Name's Martha... I should not, but I really hate you..."
"Berserk Lancer!"
"Vlad Tepes the Third!"
"Berserk Rider!"
"Pierre Nodoyuna, I mean, Dick Dastardly, the greatest Servant of all!"
"Wrazza wrazza wrazza!" Berserk Rider II's bipedal dog mumbled.
"Wait," the summoner said. "Another Rider!?"
"Atalanta said she'd rather show up along the line!" Berserk Saber said.
"What!?" the summoner said. "She can't refuse me!"
"Actually, all Servants can reject the call, I'd have refused too if I'd known I'd be summoned as a-" Berserk Saber began explaining.
"Enough of that! Berserker Assassin!"
"Carmilla Karnstein!"
"Berserk Caster!"
"You dare call Maleficent, the Mistress of Evil, your Servant?! You shall pay dearly, woman!"
"Yes, yes, sure thing. Berserk Assassin!"
"Georges Batroc, le Leaper, oui oui!"
"Another Assassin!?" the summoner yelled. "Where's Berserk Berserker!?"
"That doesn't make any sense," Berserker Lancer admonished the woman. "A Berserker is, by definition, Berserk!"
"Wouldn't a Berserk Berserker go all the way around and be sane? Like, he's the insanity of being insane so they'd be sane?" Berserk Saber asked Carmilla.
Carmilla shrugged her milky shoulders. "Probably."
The summoner waved them off. "Never mind! Just head out and ravage the land! How difficult can that be, even for Berserkers?"
"Well, it's destroying France. It cannot be all that uphill," Vlad allowed.
Not too terribly far, Fujimaru Ritsuka, Artoria Pendragon and Sir Galahad wandered across the green fields of France, under a sunny spring sky.
"I have confirmed the time axis coordinates," Mash informed, looking at her wrist communicator. She was wearing her armor already, and Fou was sitting on her head. "We indeed were transported to the year 1431. That means we're in the middle of the Hundred Years' War. But this should be during the war's respite period."
"Wars get time-offs?" Ritsuka asked.
"They didn't use to, but times changed for the worse." Artoria sighed. "Kids nowadays can't keep war going on without taking constant breaks..."
"The Hundred Years' War did not fight for the full one hundred years as the name implies," Galahad ranted, taking her glasses out of the shield and putting them on to slip back into the Mash persona. "The war during this era was pretty carefree, relatively speaking."
Artoria made a disgusted face. She had shed the black scabs, her skin had regained a healthy tone, and she wore a long blue battle dress now, but Galahad couldn't stop wondering if some corruption hadn't lingered in her.
She went on with the lecture regardless. "Captured knights were released for monetary payments almost every day. Huh? Fou, what's wrong?"
Fou pointed his small paw upwards. "Fou fuuuu!"
Artoria followed his gaze and also pointed above. "Look! Up in the sky!"
"Servant Superman!?" Ritsuka was thrilled, but then frowned after looking up herself. "What the heck's that?"
A gigantic halo of light spun over the valleys. "Doctor, what's that?" Mash said, pointing the communicator up.
Roman hummed through the link. "How interesting! Let me take measurements. Wow! It must be as big as North America! Surely it has to be visible all across Europe! But no records show such phenomena occurring in 1431. It's surely one of the reasons for the disappearance of our future. We'll have to analyze it on our end... You guys concentrate on surveying onsite. Start by searching for leylines!"
"You heard the director," Saber took over. She pointed at a small village on the horizon. "We will start by looking there and- Hark! Brigadiers are heading our way!"
And indeed, several soldiers were marching out of the village and towards the quartet. In a matter of minutes, both factions met each other at midway.
Saber raised her hand. "Greetings, honored local authorities! We are exhausted travellers in search of-"
"Sacre bleu!" one of the soldiers interrupted her. "What manner of blamed accent is that!?"
"English pig-dogs!" another soldier said. "Look at their teeth, Marcel!"
Saber blinked. She looked at Ritsuka and pulled on a side of her mouth. "There's nothing wrong with my teeth, is there?"
"They look better than theirs, as a matter of fact," Ritsuka said.
One of the soldiers stormed ahead while the others backed away. "You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, cross dressing sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called English drag queen, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!"
"What a strange person," Galahad said.
"Now look here, my good man..." Artoria tried to reason.
"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!" the soldier taunted her.
"Is there someone else up there we could talk to?" Galahad asked, pointing at the village.
"No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!" the soldier said.
Artoria sighed. "Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable."
"Fetchez la vache!" the soldier shouted at his men.
"Quoi?" one of them asked.
"Fetchez la vache!" the troop leader insisted.
Several of the men came back from behind a nearby patch of woodland, pulling on a catapult with a cow on it.
"... okay, now this is getting too silly for me," Ritsuka said. "Nasu didn't write this part, did he?"
"Moooo!" the cow said.
Artoria stood her ground and pulled the mighty Excalibur out, in Invisible Air mode. "If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall...
The catapult was fired at them,
TWONG!
"MOOOOOOOOOO!" the cow said.
"Jesus Christ!" Artoria said, running out of its way.
"Christ!" Mash agreed, running in the other direction and dragging a facepalming Ritsuka with her.
The cow landed with a bloody splotch sound several blocks away.
"Ah! Ohh!" Mash said.
And then Artoria, seeing their chance, pointed at the soldiers. "Right! Charge!"
"Charge!" Mash agreed again, attacking the soldiers in a way that would have made her father proud.
Mayhem ensued.
"It seems like we didn't hit them hard enough. They've retreated," Mash observed pensively, seeing the soldiers run in panic.
"TWO of them are retreating!" Ritsuka yelled, pointing at the other broken and bleeding soldiers scattered all over the battlefield. "You guys massacred everyone else!"
"I'm not used to fight non violent wars!" Artoria excused herself.
"W-Well, let's calm down first! That world is isolated," Roman tried to keep his calm. "No matter what happens, a time paradox can't occur. So engaging them won't be a problem, but..."
"Thanks for the authorization, Director," Artoria said. "You heard him, Galahad! We can use as much lethal force as we need to!"
"That isn't exactly what I meant!" Roman protested.
"I think I understand what the doctor is trying to tell us," Galahad said. "I also think it would be bad to harm the locals. Nex time, we should attack to hold them back!"
"That one's still moving," Artoria pointed at one of the men around them.
"Thank you," Galahad said, and slammed a boot down on him.
"MASH!" Ritsuka said.
"S-Sorry, Master! Force of habit!"
"Hit them with the back of your blades!" Roman yelled. "Limit the bloodshed to a minimum! Back of the blades!"
"How can I do that with a shield?" Galahad asked.
"You figure it out, lady! I didn't raise any murderers!"
Artoria sighed. "We are being directed in a military campaign by a pacifist. What a disaster. He is even worse at this than Shirou, and Shirou was telling me 'Don't kill Caster, Saber!', 'Don't kill Tohsaka, Saber!', 'Don't kill Illya, Saber!' all the time."
"What if we just set them ablaze? Would that be okay?" Galahad asked Roman.
"No, burning them is out of the question too!" He sighed miserably. "Look, try not to aggravate them next time. Make sure you talk to them in French, too."
"But we are-" Galahad began.
"With French accents!" Roman made clear.
"Very well, very well, Shirou II," Artoria capitulated, leading the girls and the animal past the outside walls of the village, only to gasp at the scene inside. "Sacre bleu mon ami! What in zee vorld is zis!"
"... on second thought, don't bother with the accent," Roman said. "They'll just think you're mocking them."
"It's my best frog-pig accent," the King of the Britons excused herself. She bristled in righteous anger at the scene inside, one of burnt houses, toppled trees, small dolls tossed aside as symbols of destroyed childhoods, and the occasional chicken running amok. "Those fiends! We did the right thing slaughtering them! Look at what they did here!"
"French killing the French?" Ritsuka asked. "In a war against the English?"
"It's more common than you'd think," Mash said. "In times of warfare, often troops cut off from supplies grow desperate and start pillaging anything in their way."
"I cannot stand those who would resort to violence as the first course of action!" Artoria declared with complete honest lack of self awareness.
"That's right. Even though they're not in an active war..." Mash kept on lecturing Ritsuka, "In 1431, Charles VII of France entered a peace treaty with Philip III, an ally of England. Of course, I'm sure there were some skirmishes anyway..."
"Argh! Here they come again!" a soldier said, peeking out through a window.
"Bonjour!" Mash greeted. "Je suis travelers looking for croissants! Je suis not here to harm you! Please put down your weapons, monsieur!"
"You're not... the enemy?" another soldier, pummeled and limping, approached them while pointing a broken spear at them.
"Of course not! Just listen to their flawless local accents, monsieur!" a woman told him.
"Why is there so much war still around?" Mash asked. "Didn't Charles VII sign the peace treaty?"
"King Charles? So you don't know?" the soldier with the snapped spear asked, suspicious.
"How could they know? A system to relay information around the world immediately while also allowing you to see scantily dressed beautiful sinners is yet to be invented!" a bearded elder told him.
The soldier sighed. "The king is dead. He was burned by a witch's flames. She has been sending those mercenary troops after us, her own people! French fighting the French! Oh lala!"
"They give tourists a wrong impression of the noble French people! They'll start believing we're rude!" a young man said.
"I'd even prefer to deal with Englishmen!" the second soldier said.
Artoria smiled. "That's nice to hear," she said, sliding into her usual accent. "We happily could lend you-"
"But not enough so I wouldn't spear them where they stand!"
Artoria bit on her tongue. "Oui oui of course! Alors alors enfants de la patrie!"
"It's Jeanne d'Arc. She has risen again as the 'Dragon Witch'," the first soldier said. "England retreated quite a while ago. But, where have we to run to?"
"Spain?" Ritsuka asked.
"We're not that desperate!"
"This is our home, but there's nothing we can do," the second soldier said.
"My husband was killed, sparing me from domestic abuse and a messy divorce, but also leaving me without income and forced into prostitution and social rejection!" a woman said.
Ritsuka reached into her pocket. "I don't have any local currency. But I can pay you with some peanut snacks and a lighter if you let us stay at your house tonight, so you don't have to prostitute yourself yet."
"I've taken worse deals!" the woman told her.
"This doesn't compute!" Mash said that night, as she, Fou, Ritsuka and Artoria sat in their small rented room, lit by candles. "Saint Jeanne d'Arc, the savior of Orleans, was a world-renowned hero. A woman who stood up to save France from being conquered in the late stages of Hundred Years' War. She saved France at age seventeen, and managed to reclaim Orleans in just one year. There's no way she could be a villain!"
"She still was French!" her King told her.
"She was caught by the English army, and after a kangaroo court staged by the inquisition, burned at the stake," Shielder said. "They say that from the time of her imprisonment till her burning, she endured gruesome torture and humiliation daily. We, that is, England wanted to prove that she was not a saint, but a heretic. So they tried to torture her into saying 'I did not hear the Lord's voice.' However, her heart remained true. Even while burning, she held onto her prayers. Later, her honor was recognized, and after four hundred years she was officially made a saint."
Ritsuka chuckled goofily. Fou, Mash and Artoria looked at her, and saw a thought balloon over her, showing a court of law staffed by kangaroos.
Mash sighed. "A powerless girl's wishes changed the world. In that regard, Jeanne d'Arc is definitely a top-rank Heroic Spirit. This must be one of her impostors!"
"Or perhaps she actually only heard voices in her head, born from madness, the whole time," the Saber said.
"Perhaps, but by this point she has been burned alive," Mash said. "Granted, if she's a Servant by this point, that makes no-"
There were several screams from the streets.
"Les walking dead!"
"Ze dawn of ze dead!"
"Les devourers of la flesh!"
"Here! They are here!"
The girls and Fou stormed out. They saw an army of armed skeletons wielding polearms and swords lurching through the village and killing everyone in their path.
"Familiars created using human bodies... dragon tooth warriors!" Doctor Roman said through the communicator. "This time it's different. Both of you can be as wild as you want!"
Mash grinned, Galahad taking over. "Yes. Orders, my Liege, Master! Let's pulverize them!"
"CHARRRRRRGE!" Saber roared, dashing into the battalion with her invisible sword.
Five Minutes Later:
Standing on a hill of bones, the Lion of Camelot wiped her majestic forehead off.
"It pleases me to see I haven't lost my touch!" she said.
"Dead or alive, you can kill them just as well as ever, Your Majesty!" Galahad clapped.
The soldier with the broken spear came closer. "I can't believe you took them on! Two women and a man in drag, that's impressive!"
"You still haven't bothered to fix your weapon!" Saber scolded him.
"Is this, too, the handwork of Jeanne d'Arc?" Galahad asked him. "Are you certain it's her?"
He nodded. "Yes. I took part in the siege of Orleans and the ceremony, so I remember it well. Her hair and skin color are different, but there's no question that she's the saint from the past. Hearing that she'd been captured by the English pig-dogs and burned at the stake, we trembled in fury. But... she was resurrected! And through a pact with the devil, no less!"
Artoria leaned onto Ritsuka and whispered into her ear, "The French don't make deals with the devil, the devil makes deals with the French."
Ritsuk sighed. "Let it go, Saber..."
"Then those skeleton soldiers are spirits from the pit?" Galahad gulped.
The soldier shrugged. "Who knows? But at least those, we can handle ourselves."
"No, you can't!" the woman who housed Ritsuka and her companions said.
"Quiet, woman!" he told her. "It's 'them' we are afraid of..."
Then there was a loud roar, and a flapping of large wings from above. Everyone ran back into their houses, or rather what remained of them.
"Merde on a stick, just as I thought! Here they come, engage!" the soldier urged them, right before running into another house.
"Come on, stand up! Dragons are here! If you don't resist, they'll eat you!" another soldier said from inside another house.
"This is your village, you know!" Saber growled at them. She frowned and stood defiantly as she looked up. "Feh! I killed the last living dragon in Britain! French dragons must be nothing compared to ours!"
Then it appeared, flying towards them, larger than the village itself. A gray, spiky creature with a very long neck, leather wings, a tail finished in a sharp bone nail, and stubby horns over red eyes.
Saber gulped, but didn't move an inch.
"You never took me on dragon slaying expeditions. Is this-" Galahad began to ask.
"Not big for our standards!" her king told her.
"It's a wyvern!" Roman told them.
"Wyvern?" Ritsuka said.
"Yes. A subspecies of dragons. But they shouldn't be in 15th Century France!" Roman added.
The wyvern spat fire down. Several pillars of red flame. Galahad pulled her shield up and blocked all of it, but it made her grind back on her heels. "It's strong!" she said.
Saber frowned. "The dragons I battled didn't have wings. I could blast it off the sky, but I'd reveal my Noble Phantasm..."
A clear female voice rang out. "Soldiers, douse yourselves with water! You can momentarily defend against its flames!
Galahad blinked. "Eh?"
One of the soldiers in the houses grabbed a bucket of water and spilled it on himself.
"Not you!" the soldier with him slapped him across the head. "The ones outside!"
"You too! Please pick up a weapon and fight!" the voice said. "Together with me! Follow me!"
Galahad blinked. "That is..."
"Oh, she's a Servant! But I only receive weak energy readings, what is she or he..."
Then there was a flashy, dramatic spinning jump from outside the walls protecting the village. A long weapon was swung around, and the acrobatic shape that had appeared slammed it on the back of the wyvern. It roared, badly wounded, and it flew off, zooming down. It crashed right outside the village, with a booming howl of animal madness, and the ground quaked.
The person who had struck the wyvern down so easily landed on her feet right before a starstruck Fujimaru, and the squinting, ready to fight, Artoria and Galahad. She pulled back, planted the standard she held on the mud, and smiled.
She was a woman with hair that was golden blonde, yet dark enough as to almost resemble the colour of straw. Her irises were tinted in a pleasant emerald green, and her shapely, athletic body was clad form in fitting, but still somehow modest and humble, gray from toe to neck. The sort of ensemble that would be functional for battle without being flashy at all, allowing maximum freedom of motion without sacrificing practicality.
In a hand she held the already mentioned sharp standard with a white flag at its top; and a thin silver sword hung from her waist.
"O Lord... I shall raise my flag once again for the salvation of this nation... Nay, for the salvation of this world!" this woman shouted. "All things righteous have burned away. All that is holy has died. Within a mere second, our future was taken from us!"
"What," Ritsuka said.
"Hear me! O, Heroic Spirits, mighty warriors who have gathered here. Though we may be rivals, we must stand together now! My True Name is Jeanne d'Arc. In the name of our Lord, I shall become your shield! This battle will be a long journey that takes us back through human history. However, there is no need for despair. There are thousands of encounters waiting for you!"
"JEANNE THE WITCH!" someone from inside a house yelled, throwing a cooking pot at her. She moved her head aside, dodged it easily, and kept on speechifying.
"Even if this entire planet becomes a battleground for the Holy Grail War. Even if everything on this land turns into eternal ruinous grounds. Even if powerful enemies await us at the end of our journey... Our fate has not yet been decided! So, let the battle begin, Master!"
She stood there, panting, but smiling and visibly proud.
"Master...?" Ritsuka blushed.
Galahad frowned. "Awfully ahead of herself, isn't she?"
"No, no way! Run! The witch is here!" the villagers screamed. They promptly ran out of their houses and past the front gates of the stronghold, leaving for the hills.
The Jeanne woman shook a fist after them. "Come back! You'll give us a bad reputation of being cowardly!"
"Now that I think about it, her face looks a lot like yours, Saber!" commented Ritsuka.
Her third Servant huffed. "I don't see any resemblance!"
Jeanne sighed. "A-Anyway! My Servant class is Ruler. My True Name, like I said, is Jeanne d'Arc."
"You can call me Mash Kyrielight," Galahad said. "This is Saber, and this is Fujimaru Ritsuka. Our Master."
"How do you do!" Fujimaru waved.
Jeanne hummed. "A Master! So there are Masters in this Holy Grail War."
"That's supposed to be the way in a Heaven's Feel!" Saber barked. "We were told that you, if you indeed are who you claim to be, had become a 'dragon witch' terrorizing the land. What do you have to say in your defense?"
"Having just materialized a few hours ago, I am not sure what's going on," Ruler said. "From what I heard while running away from my compatriots armed with pitchforks, it seems there is another Jeanne d'Arc in this world. A Jeanne that murdered King Charles VII of France, and committed multiple slaughters at Orleans."
"Two versions of the same person running around? Ridiculous," Saber said firmly.
"Hmm... If we could access the Holy Grail Wars' records, there should be examples of simultaneous summons," Romani said. "Anyway, one thing is for sure. With Charles VII dead, France is bound to collapse. In history, France was the first nation to declare human liberty and equality. Many countries followed suit. Delaying this by a century would stagnate civilization. Without such progress, we might still be stuck in the Middle Ages!"
"And the downside to that is..." Saber asked.
"You may be fine living in times where everyone lacked indoors plumbing but we would rather not, thank you!" Roman snapped.
Jeanne blinked. "I just heard a voice...Is that magecraft? What in the world are you all—"
"Oh that's right, I couldn't introduce myself. Nice to meet you, Saint Jeanne d'Arc," the man said. "My name is Romani Archaman. Everyone calls me Roman. I do various support tasks. Nice to meet you."
Jeanne smiled at Mash's communicator. "Oh, is that so? You are a dreamer of sorts. What a relief, I thought that you were a demon and that I'd have to kill these young ladies over dealing with the evil ones."
"Awkward!" Fujimaru said.
"Our objective is the correction of this twisted history. We belong to an organization by the name of Chaldea," Mash explained to Ruler.
One Chuunibou Explanation Later:
"I see, I understand now. To think that the world itself has been incinerated," Jeanne said. "My worries were so trivial, compared to that."
"If you didn't know about the Grand Order, how is it that you gave us that speech related to it?" Fujimaru asked.
"The voices in my head told me to give it!" Jeanne said.
"I see!"
"Mademoiselle Jeanne. What are you going to do from here?" Mash asked.
"What else? My objective is clear," she answered. "Head to Orleans, and take back the city. To do that, I must exterminate the Jeanne d'Arc who stands in my way. The Lord didn't show me the path, but I cannot turn my back on this!"
"Even alone, you will fight..." Mash was fairly impressed. Galahad, not so much. "She's just like history says, Master!"
"We share the same goals, Ruler. As a defender of our common faith, I cannot suffer a dragon with a good conscience!" Artoria told her. "My blade is to fight along your standard!"
Ruler nodded. "Welcome! I'm so happy I won't have to battle on my own!"
She and Saber bumped fists.
SABERFACE SIS FIST!-!-!
Jeanne, Fujimaru, Artoria, Galahad and Fou ran across the beautiful French landscape, liberating many villages and meeting lots of rude people on their way.
They fought wyverns.
They ate admittedly very delicious food, which made Artoria very happy.
They fought wyverns.
They fought skeletons.
They fought wyverns.
They bathed all naked together. FANSERVICE HO! Pity this doesn't have illustrations.
They fought wyverns.
Saber asked why they couldn't get themselves horses to travel on, despite Shielder and her having the Riding skill. A lot.
They fought wyverns.
They fought skeletons.
They fought wyverns.
They fought rude people.
They fought wyverns.
They realized that Emmanuel Macron wasn't the worst thing that could happen to the country.
They fought wyverns.
"AAAAAARGHHH! I'M SICK OF FIGHTING WYVERNS!" Ritsuka said.
"For real?" Saber asked. "I'm warming up to it as a hobby."
They arrived to La Charite, a town in smoking ruins. Once again, token ragdolls symbolizing ruined childhoods were scattered in every direction.
A tall, extremely sensual woman in bondage and a mask, with white locks framing her shoulders, blocked their way, bearing a long spear. Next to her, a handsome, tall and muscular older man with long and wavy hair, wrapped in a classy suit and cape, and also carrying a long spear.
"So!" the man said, full of poise and distinction. "You must be the adventurers daring to wander this forsaken land, bringing baseless hope to the locals!"
"And fighting wyverns!" Fujimaru whined.
"And fighting wyverns!" the masked woman agreed. "Lots of them everywhere, isn't that right?"
"You have no idea!" Ritsuka said.
"I am Berserk Lancer," the man smiled wickedly, and slammed his spear down three times. "So be it, then! I will gladly accept your most exquisite blood!"
"That is no good, my king," huffed the buxom lady in bondage gear. "These girls' meat and blood, and even their entrails, are all mine."
"And you are..." Ritsuka trailed off.
"Assassin. She is an Assassin," Ruler said, keeping her standard ready. "I can tell!"
"But then," Ritsuka asked, "why is she fighting with a spear?"
"Get used to it, it won't get any better through the game!" Ruler said. "Stand behind us, okay!?"
"My, how greedy," the Lancer said. "And the soul? Who will take that?"
"I see no use in a soul," the Assassin told her partner in evil. "What do you say to preserving their beautiful faces as trophies?"
"Their souls are mine then." The man charged at the party. "Have at thee!"
Back at Chaldea, Doctor Romani panicked. "Oh, no, no, this is bad, this is bad! They're spent from fighting so many wyverns! What do we do!? Any ideas!? Any ideas!?" he frantically asked his bridge partners.
Jingle Abel Meuniere looked blandly at him and shrugged.
"Aaahhhhh!" Roman began punching keys on another, smaller computer keyboard. "This is really bad, right! Okay, where's my email!? I need the Internet's help!"
The staffers looked at him while Ruler, Saber and Shielder fought Assassin and Lancer. "I don't think there's that much of a need for panic, sir," Meuniere said after a few moments of seeing him punch keys madly. "I mean, it's three of them against two foes..."
"My baby Mash is in danger!" Roman wailed. "Ah! Chiu-chan will know what to do! Help me, Chiu-chan! Help me, Chiu-chan! We're being attacked by two powerful Servants and we're low in mana. What should we do!? Okay, sent!"
He waited a few moments, sweating profusely. Meuniere gave a long suffering sigh.
"We'll send someone, stop crying," Roman read the answer aloud. "Oh, thank you so very much, my beautiful Chiu-chan! Eh?"
It'll have to do with someone your girl met recently. That should suffice, right? the extra message just sent to him asked.
"Uhhhhhhh..." Roman said.
"AH HA HA HA HA!" Lancer laughed insanely, pressing a foot down on Ruler's chest, pinning her down on the floor. All around them, in each direction, tall black spikes had sprouted from the ground, trapping Saber amidst them, and piercing her through a leg. The blonde struggled to free herself without bleeding to death. Meanwhile, Shielder tried to keep the surprisingly resourceful Assassin at bay. "I don't know why, but there's a delicious irony about this, dear!" He raised his spear and got ready to plunge it through Ruler's skull. "It's almost as if we once met before, and this would be my long waited payback on you!"
Then he raised an eyebrow, stopping himself. "Huh?"
Half a block away from them, a circle of light manifested itself on the shattered pavement, and from it, another Servant materialized. Lancer, Saber, Shielder and Assassin all paused, looking at him warily.
"You again!?" Ritsuka cried. She then winced, feeling pain in the command seals on her hand.
The new Servant stretched with a long drawn sound and cracking his joints loudly, hands in purple gloves intertwined by their bony fingers. The elongated, angular face widened into a shark-like feral grin, even though sharks don't grin, ruby red lips showing off a myriad of crooked yellowed teeth, springing into light like the keys of a broken piano. The sharply dressed man in regal purple dusted himself off, fixed his bowtie, tapped a black and white shoe daintly on the pavement just twice, and then skipped over towards Lancer, unnerving him somewhat.
"What did the mirror tell the blind man?" the new Servant asked.
Lancer frowned, staring at him with confusion even as a curl of his emerald hair flickered down on his sinister features. Someone else summoned by the dragon witch, no doubt. She was insane like that. "I... I have no idea. What did it say?"
"I'm Servant Assassin, at your service!" he feistily said, reaching over and offering a hand, waiting for a handshake that never came "Ah ha ha ha, no, but the world would have been a much more interesting place if it had said that!"
The new Servant scowled as soon as it was clear that Lancer wouldn't shake his hand. He jarred his hands on his hips and leaned back slightly. "Well, what were you waiting for? I was called in such a short notice, I couldn't come up with my best material. Why the silence? It's because I'm an Assassin, right? Oh, I should've come as a Saber!" he whined melodramatically, taking the back of a hand to his forehead and jerking further back. "Everyone loves Sabers...!"
"You...!" Saber hissed.
"Oh. Hi. Nice to see you again," he casually waved at her. "You too, and you." He poked a finger towards Mash, then Ritsuka.
Berserk Assassin nodded her head towards him. "You can take this one," she told Berserk Lancer. "He's yours, in body and soul."
"Soul? Moi?" the male Assassin asked. "Hey, I'm talking in French. Would I happen to be in France?"
Berserk Lancer and Berserk Assassin nodded.
"Oh, no! EW!" Joker said. "Ew, ew, ew EW EW! Jerry Lewis! Jerry Lewis!"
Bersek Lancer sneered icily. "Is this the dragon witch's idea of a joke? Frankly, I fail to see any amusement from it."
"You don't look like you could find any amusement in an orgasm, Buster!" the clown said. "What were you about to do to these kids?"
"Lancer was to drink from their souls, and I would partake on their blood and entrails, while keeping their flayed faces as mementos of victory," Berserk Assassin said.
"Oh, that's lovely, but you were talking about taking my soul, too. Why? I don't think you want to take my soul," the clown prince said matter-of-factly. "It's all black and tainted and full of evil, and I figure you've already bought all the stickers for that album, am I right? As for their faces... You only need one of those, right?" he pointed back at Saber, then at Ruler. "I mean, they both look the same anyway!"
"No, we don't, we aren't alike at all!" Saber said.
"No, we don't, we aren't alike at all!" Ruler said at the exact same time.
"Begone, jester! What does your primitive brain understand about the necessities of a refined malice? No two young women are alike, each life is a separate, delicious morsel. The delight, then, comes from crushing them with delicacy, taking the time to palate their distress! That youthens me, strenghtens me! It's what gives the vaccuum of my life its sense!" Berserk Assassin sighed.
"Such a decadent sybarite! And yet there is some truth to your words," Berserk Lancer replied. "Once I was a stalwart defender of the faith, much like this mindless tart. What do I have to show from it? Behold what I have become! Now I only can enjoy any joy from the impalement, the flow of the blood, even if it branded me as the creature I despise the most, the nosferatu. But I'd rather sentence their souls... as the judge I have turned into!"
The clown slapped himself on a knee. "God! What a pair of poser edgelords!"
"Don't use His name in vain!" Ruler warned him.
"Silence, fool!" Lancer waved a hand haughtily at the male Assassin. "Even reduced to nothing more than a bloodthirsty devil at this point, I am still able to understand these girls' beauty. Compared to them, you are nothing but a nuisance!"
"Indeed," the female Assassin purred. "It is exactly because of this understanding that I will not restrain my feelings. I won't allow anything beautiful besides me! No, in fact- I wonder how much beauty the blood of these beautiful creatures will give me? Aaaah, crushing ripe fruit is so fun! And I have a sweet tooth for fruit juice- AHHHHHH!" she said as something exploded right under her and Lancer's feet, blowing them upwards.
"Seriously, if I've ever sounded that lame while giving an evil gloating speech, then please someone just shoot me already!" Ritsuka's new Assassin sneered, pulling back the hand that had just thrown his explosive marbles, the rest of the Servants and their Master looking up and waiting for them to drop back. "See, people, this is why all things are good in moderation! Sometimes, you just gotta know when to simply shoot the guy you already have stuck in the fish tank!"
Ruler blinked at him. "Could it be... that you actually aren't a good person after all?!"
And so, Ritsuka, Artoria, Mash, Jeanne, Fou and the Joker escaped La Charite, heading towards the city of Lyon, their next step in the road to Jeanne Alter's stronghold.
They fought wyverns.
The Joker talked about Batman a lot.
They fought wyverns.
Jeanne prayed a lot.
They fought wyverns.
They fought rude people.
They fought on who'd pay the restaurant's bill now.
They fought wyverns.
They saw a whole lot of dead people.
Jeanne cried a lot.
They fought skeletons.
They fought wyverns.
Finally, they arrived to Lyon.
Their path was blocked by a young woman with long and dark smooth, silky hair, her curvaceous body shape accentuated by the nature of the outfit she was wearing, a mostly white ensemble with red highlights around the edges. It was rather scandalous, at odds with her disciplined expression,. She had the quiet demeanor of a serious person, despite the way her garments exposed so much of her legs, clad in tall and tight light blue stockings, or how she sported such a pronounced cross shaped cleavage window, plunging all the way down to her navel. In a hand she held a lengthy cross shaped staff, taller than herself.
"Good evening, everybody. This had been such a lonely night," she greeted them.
"Who are you?" Jeanne asked her.
"This city sure has some weird sexual workers," Joker mused.
The stranger frowned. "Who? Let's see, I wonder who I am. I forced myself to be a righteous saint, but in this world I'm a slave to a broken one. A broken saint... Yes, thanks to her, my reason has left and I've gone mad."
"Always a change for the better!" the Joker peppily said.
"Shut up," Ritsuka told him.
The black haired woman shuddered, hunching over. "I am doing everything I can to hold myself back. What a mess this is!"
"You are a Rider, aren't you?" Ruler extended a hand to her. "I can feel good in you. Whatever is influencing you, fight it! Please! We could fight together for everyone's good!"
"I am... Berserk Ruler," the other woman said, teeth clacking together. "While I appreciate your hopes... I cannot join you. I'm sorry. You don't want a Servant who'll stab you from behind at every single opportunity, do you?"
"We already have one," Saber said, pointing at Assassin. He nodded proudly.
"Well, then you don't want another one!" Rider snipped.
"Then why did you come to greet us?" Ruler asked gently.
"My task was to observe you, but my waning reason whispers that I should test you," Rider told her. "You'll face the Dragon Witch. Disaster incarnate, riding on the 'ultimate dragon'. If you cannot surpass me, you will never defeat her! Defeat me! Plunge your blade into my heart without hesitation!"
"A French asking me to be stabbed through the heart..." Saber's eyes grew starry. "Thank you, Heavens..."
"I'm not French!" Rider slammed a foot down. The ground trembled. "My True Name is Martha. Now come to me, Iron Dragon Tarasque!"
"Saint Martha!?" Jeanne gasped very loudly.
"Let us see if you are capable of slaying me...!" Rider cackled madly, while a gigantic beast appeared next to her.
This was not as big as yet another fucking wyvern, but it was still fairly huge, larger than an elephant, a reptilian creature covered on thick armored scales, sporting several pairs of short stubby legs armed with huge claws, and waving a long tail around.
"Oh, fuck, no! Another stinking wyvern...!" Fujimaru despaired. "It never ends!"
"THIS ISN'T A WYVERN!" Rider bellowed.
"Oh, thank God!" Ritsuka said.
With an even louder, more aggressive roar, the dragon vomited a pillar of flames at them.
"Oh, please, dear Saint Martha! You, who walked with the Lord Himself! How can I possibly fight you!?" Ruler begged. The beast chomped for her, barely missing her as she pulled back acrobatically. "Combat that evil influence! You are better than you think you are!"
"I spent all of my time doing home chores, I barely listened to the message...!" Rider howled insanely while bashing her staff on the shield of a sighing Mash.
"You ascended to sainthood! You are a better person than me!" Ruler reminded her. She spun, all but but dancing around the flames the dragon kept on sending her way. "I cannot even compare! And you cannot fall to my evil mirror self!"
"I already did! Shut up! You don't know how painful this is!" Rider foamed off the mouth, lashing back with a kick as Assassin tried to sneak up on her wielding a big knife. "I'm not even myself, not anymore!"
The dragon whipped its tail around in a wide circular motion, trying to sweep Ruler off her feet, and she jumped over it, then slamming the standard into it. Piercing, actually, elicting a howl of deafening pain from the behemoth. "NO! I refuse to accept that!"
The Joker dropped on his butt by a snapped tree, moaning. "I want a refund on that Presence Concealment..."
Tarasque, wounded but far from critically, swung the tail and sent Ruler crashing against a building. It spat more fire at her, but this time she managed to duck under it. Rolling towards the creature, she brought the standard up to sock it on the jaw, its head barreling back on its short, sturdy neck. "Think of your faith! Hold onto it, Saint Martha!"
"I already am doing that!" Rider shouted, being pushed back by a streamrolling Shielder. "That's why I didn't call the others here!"
"Try harder!" Ruler said, taking advantage of the dragon's brief spell of diziness to punt it in the mouth. The monster opened its jaws again, and tried to spew more fiery doom, but only weak wisps puffed out as she slammed the standard onto its teeth, shattering some fangs. "I know you can do it!"
"I... I...!" Rider gagged, pinned against a wall by Shielder.
Stunned, the Tarasque staggered back. Then Saber roared like a furious lion, holding the invisible blade tightly, and repeatedly stabbed it down on the reptile's head. "Begone, foul creature!"
"TARASQUE!" Martha yelled. She shoved Mash back and ran towards it, swinging her staff at Saber at the same time the King of Knights hopped from the back of the beast.
It all happened in a split second.
The Joker threw a knife at Martha's head. The blade hit her in a temple and sank itself there, briefly making her stagger to a side.
Martha still tried to stab Saber with the sharp end of her staff, stumbling towards her like a drunk.
And Ruler, to protect Saber, stabbed Rider through with her standard, just as Tarasque expired loudly and dissipated in a flurry of gray spraks skyward.
"Bullseye!" the Joker cackled.
Bleeding from the mouth, Martha fell forward, into Jeanne's arms. "My Saint!" Ruler sobbed. "P-Please forgive me! I, I wasn't thinking...!"
Rider toucher Ruler's cheek with a hand. "D-Don't ask for apologies," she choked. "Th-Thank you... for freeing me."
Ritsuka, Fou, Shielder and Saber watched on somberly. The Joker moonwalked in the background.
"Rider," Saber said at last. "Were you...?"
"Holding back? Of course n-not," Rider smiled, resting in the arms of Jeanne. "This... This is fine, it's fine this way. Seriously, don't make a saint massacre you! D-Doubting me, hmphh..."
"I'm sorry," Artoria hung her head.
"L-Listen, let me tell you one last thing," Martha coughed. "You'll never beat the dragon controlled by the Dragon Witch. There's only one way to surpass that type of dragon. H-Here in Lyon... the city once known as Lyon... I was keeping watch over him..."
"It's fine. As you could see, I am a fine dragon slayer myself," Saber said.
"This, this is different!" Rider wheezed. "It's a very special dragon..."
"Another wyvern!" Ritsuka said.
"It's not a wyvern!" Martha said. "It.. It won't be a saint who defeats the dragon, nor a princess. Ever since ancient times, only a 'Dragon Slayer' is capable of killing a dragon..."
"I told you," Saber said patiently, "I'm a dragon slayer too..."
"I, I said this is different!" Rider growled. "This dragon is, it's much stronger than Tarasque! You need a specialist!"
"Very well, if you say so." Artoria threw her hands up.
Martha sighed. "Tarasque, I'm sorry... Next time, I hope I'll be summoned properly."
Ritsuka blinked. "Say, now that I think about it, I saved Saber when she was on the brink of vanishing by contracting her, maybe we could...?"
But Martha had already disappeared in a hail of heavenly sparks, smiling as Ruler held her.
"Shoot," Fujimaru said quietly.
"Hey, team!" Joker hopped to them. "Let's go for milkshakes!"
Absently, without looking at him, Jeanne punched him away.
The party left Lyon behind. "Are you sure we shouldn't have looked for that dragon slayer in the city like Saint Martha wanted us to, Your Majesty?" Mash asked.
"Completely," Artoria lectured her. "There are lives at stake, lost every day while the dragon witch runs rampant. We cannot allow ourselves waste time on side quests while they suffer. Even if they are French. A dragon slayer! Fie! Who better than King Arthur to kill a dragon?"
"Batman," the Joker and Ritsuka said at the same time.
"Will you two stop talking about Batman all the time!?" Saber said while Jeanne hung at the back, visibly depressed.
Somewhere, sitting in the depths of her dark castle, on a throne made of carved stone, Jeanne Alter sat, crossing her legs, and smiled to herself.
"Soon, pretender..." She cooed venomously. "Soon...!"
And somewhere in the depths of an underground dungeon in Lyon, heavily chained to a wall, Siegfried exhaled.
"Sorry to be so inconsequential..." he said softly.
To be Continued.
Author's Notes:
I started this chapter very strong but I felt myself losing steam towards the end. It's mostly due to circumstances in my real life, though. I'm still fairly satisfied with it overall, regardless. Let's hope it's all better next time!
If any of you dear readers is French, sorry about all the jokes, I don't actually mean any of them. I like making fun of all nationalities the same. Just wait until we get to the Venezuela chapter of Fate Grand Order! W-Wait...
Ah, Martha. Sorry for doing that to you. You always have been one of my favorites...
Marie will have to wait for the next chapter.
Be good!