Bilbo: *waking up* Is it over yet? Did we win? Can I go home now?
Gandalf: Ah, Bilbo. Yes, yes, and yes.
Bilbo: Oh thank God.
Gandalf: But first, Thorin wants to see you.
Bilbo: Does he want to yell at me some more for stealing the Arkenstone?
Gandalf: Actually, he's dying.
Bilbo: Wait, what?
Gandalf: Yep, he's dying. And wants to use the last of his strength to yell at you.
Bilbo: Of course he does. Is he the only one that died?
Gandalf: No. Fili and Kili were killed defending him.
Bilbo: Oh, that sucks.
Gandalf: Not really, they were dumb enough to think that the best way to block a long spear aimed at Thorin was by standing in a straight line in front of him, rather than just push him out of the way. Instead, they just gave a goblin a triple kill.
Bilbo: Wow, they really do need me around to keep them alive.
*at the infirmary tent*
Gandalf: Thorin, I've brought Bilbo.
Thorin: Ah, Bilbo, the fucking TRAITOR! *coughs up blood*
Bilbo: Nice to see you too, buddy.
Thorin: I'm not your buddy anymore, TRAITOR! *coughs up more blood*
Bilbo: Yeah, look, sorry about that…
Thorin: SORRY?! *blood cough* There was ONE THING I wanted on this quest *blood cough* and you stole it from me *blood cough*
Bilbo: Yeah, but you had it coming.
Thorin: How did I have it coming?
Bilbo: You'd gone crazy. Someone had to do something.
Thorin: No-one else thought I was crazy. Right men?
Dwarves: *awkward silence and shuffling*
Thorin: See? And now that that's settled, I… *suddenly dies*
Dwalin: Wow…the dworgy is going to be very sombre now.
Bifur: I have to agree, my dear companion.
Bilbo: Wait, when did you start talking?
Bifur: Ah, well, during the scuffle with the goblins earlier, I found myself in a position where I was forced to use my cranium to attack one of them foul beasts, and in doing so I dislodged the blade that was wedged within my frontal lobe.
Bilbo: …you headbutted someone and killed them with the axe blade in your skull?
Bifur: In less elegant terms, yes.
Bilbo: Okay, great. Now that that's over with, I'm heading home.
Dain: Would you like your payment for the job you did?
Bilbo: Payment?
Dain: Well, yeah *drags out two chests of gold* I mean, you did fulfill your end of the contract after all.
Bilbo: I robbed your people of the one thing I was told I couldn't take.
Dain: Look, let's be honest, you're the reason most of them survived this long, and I'm feeling generous.
Bard: Really? Does that mean I can have some money to rebuild the town?
Dain: Sure. Balin, start throwing gold at him until he goes away.
Balin: Okay sir *starts throwing gold at Bard*
Bard: Hooray *gets hit in the head with a particularly heavy piece, knocking him out, while Balin continues throwing gold at him, slowly covering him*
Dain: So now that you've been fairly compensated for the honest work you did…
Bilbo: My literal job description was burglar.
Dain: …you are welcome to leave whenever you want.
Bilbo: I wasn't before?
Dain: Before, I was planning on arresting you for treason, then I realised how much money I inherited from Thorin's death, and it put me in a good mood. And you have until that good mood wears off to get off my property.
Bilbo: …hey Gandalf, I'm planning to leave now.
Gandalf: Good choice. Hey, maybe we can have some more adventures on the way back.
Bilbo: Do I have to? I mean, I've been gone for seven months at this point. I think I'm all adventured out.
Gandalf: Oh, come on. Hasn't this been fun?
Bilbo: How many times have I nearly died on the journey?
Gandalf: Exactly. You're so lucky, there's no way you could possibly be killed.
Bilbo: Look, I'm going straight home, and that's that.
*later*
Bilbo: WHY DID IT TAKE US OVER FIVE MONTHS TO GET BACK TO RIVENDELL?!
Gandalf: Because you love adventuring so much.
Bilbo: NO! I DON'T!
Gandalf: Then why did you go on this one?
Bilbo: To pay for all the damage done to my house, which I hope hasn't been looted in the last year while I've been gone.
Gandalf: Well that's not a very good reason to go adventuring.
Bilbo: You literally gave me the title of 'burglar'.
Gandalf: That doesn't mean you have to live up to it.
Bilbo: *sigh* Just…whatever.