There was a knock on Alex's hospital room door, startling her from her sleep. Rubbing sleep from her eyes, she pushed herself to sit up in the semi-reclined bed to see who had disturbed her rest...finding Tara standing there, smiling softly and holding a stack of books tied together with a ribbon.

"Sorry to disturb your rest," Tara said, stepping further into the room. "I can come back if it isn't a good time..."

Alex waved away her concern, sitting up straighter with the aid of the bed's remote. "I've slept most of the day," she said to reassure her. She gestured to the chair next to the bed in a silent offer to sit. Then, to answer what was surely her next question, she said, "I sent Emily home to get some rest and Lindy is in the nursery so I could sleep."

Tara nodded. "I actually came to talk to you..."

Her face fell slightly. She'd known she'd eventually have to discuss the birth with Tara, but she'd rather hoped it wouldn't be quite so soon. She heaved a sigh, nodded once in acquiescence.

As if sensing her reluctance, Tara said, "You came very close to losing your life in the process of bringing Lindy into the world. That's traumatic and it's important that we talk through it together."

She knew this, of course, but she couldn't quite make herself feel any sort of enthusiasm about it. She wanted Lindy's birth – at least, what she could remember of it after all the blood loss – to be a joyous memory... She wanted to remember holding her daughter for the first time, not the massive hemorrhage that almost killed her. She also knew that she couldn't just pick and choose, that one memory was inextricably tied to the other and that to remember one was to remember both.

"Hello, Beautiful," Emily greeted, leaning down to kiss Alex, tenderly brushing her hair behind her ear. "Did you manage to get some rest?"

Alex nodded, stifled a yawn with the back of her hand. "Did you sleep?" she retorted, knowing all too well Emily's penchant for delaying sleep with tasks that could just as easily have been done another time – or not at all.

"Some," she said vaguely. "But what matters is that you're recuperating. Lindy is almost ready to come home and she wants her Mama to come home too."

Though she would never admit it, Alex wouldn't have minded spending a few extra days in the hospital after Lindy had been released... It wasn't that she didn't love her daughter more than life itself or that she didn't want to take care of her, she just wasn't entirely sure she was capable of loving and caring for her daughter the way she needed.

When Alex remained silent for an exceedingly long time, mind lost in thoughts of her imagined failings as a mother, Emily seemed to want to comment, but didn't have a chance before one of the nurses wheeled Lindy's bassinet into the room.

"Someone's getting hungry... Are you ready to try breastfeeding again, Mama?" the nurse asked, a warm friendly smile on her lips as she lifted Lindy from the plastic bassinet and carried her over to Alex.

Alex's responding smile was rather tight, but she accepted the little squirming bundle that was her daughter and prepared to try feeding her. The first few times she'd attempted breastfeeding the baby, she'd had mild success, but the last time had resulted in Lindy wailing in protest and refusing to eat...which, in turn, had reduced Alex to tears. She and Emily had agreed to let the nurses feed Lindy a bottle in the meantime, but they both knew how important it was to Alex that she breastfeed.

Lindy suckled for all of about five minutes before she began squalling, arching her back and pushing away from Alex's breast, wailing her displeasure. Almost immediately, Alex too began to cry. Rather frantically, she bounced the baby, trying to soothe her...but Lindy did not seem to want to be soothed.

Emily, sensing Alex's tremulous emotional state, eased Lindy from her arms and gently rocked her until she settled. "Someone's fussy," she cooed to the baby. "Quit giving your Mama a hard time, okay? She's tired."

With a soft smile, she looked up from the baby's now peaceful face and moved to return her to Alex's arms, only to have Alex shake her head insistently. "I can't," she rasped.

Emily frowned. "Can't what?" she asked, doing her best to be gentle and understanding.

She shook her head again. "Please, just...hold her," she begged. "I can't handle the crying. She likes you better anyway..."

"Oh, Alex, that's not true," Emily tried to insist, but Alex wasn't listening.

As if sensing the stress in the room, Lindy once again began wailing, her little face going red with the vigour of her crying. Her tears seemed to set Alex on edge and she sank her teeth into her bottom lip with force that was surely painful, as if the pain would keep her from crying herself.

Once she'd soothed Lindy, Emily set the baby in her bassinet and called for the nurses to take her back to the nursery, before settling on the edge of the bed and wrapping her hands around Alex's. "Al, talk to me," she said softly. "What's going on?"

"I don't know," she admitted on a sob. "I'm just... I'm scared," she added in a whisper.

"Scared of what?"

She shook her head as if she didn't want to admit the answer. But Emily was looking at her with so much love and understanding that she couldn't help but confess, "I'm scared of her...of doing the wrong thing and damaging her somehow. We wanted her so badly and now that she's here, it's like I can't look at her without seeing all my worst fears play out before my eyes. I'm so fucking terrified that whenever I hold her, it's like I freeze up, trapped by this inescapable mortal dread..."