A.N. Hey all! So this is my first time writing fanfiction in over a decade (I know, right?) so please bear with me. I love Meredith/Alex both as a friendship or romance, so had an idea to write a whole bunch of Merlex one-shots. They should be done in a format that means they can be read as continuous or alone, I'll specify in summaries if romance is involved or if it can be read as purely friendship for those who aren't fans of them as a relationship. They'll take place based from episodes, although likely won't be every episode, just ones I felt I could pull inspiration from. Anyway, hope you enjoy!
I mean, seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Meredith tried to dispel this thought as she slipped on the killer heels she had discarded on the floor, leaving behind the naked man she had accidentally spent the night with. The sex hadn't been accidental, but she certainly hadn't intended to fall asleep with him, at his home. At least, she thought as she stumbled blearily through his home, we aren't kids anymore and I'm not risking bumping into parents who may have overheard our ardent fumblings.
She contemplated the difference between what had happened in that room, and what would would happen inside the hospital walls. In that room, on dark grey sheets while inhaling overwhelming woody scents and sweat, she was reduced to slush. People-pleasing slush at that. Whilst in the boundaries of Seattle Grace, she would dig in her heels and never need to demand that things be different there, they just would be, her very being commanded it. Even if, while she glared her dominance over him, her heart pounded at a rate that would send Cristina over the edge with excitement, and she wished she had the same effect on him.
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Alex rubbed at his eyes, and reached across the bed with one arm - feeling for what, he didn't know. He knew she wouldn't be there, she never was. Ever since this began, they would live in their passion and he would drift, and when he woke she would be gone. He didn't know if she left immediately or after she woke, but he imagined it was the first option as they never spoke about it and she never seemed to leave anything behind. He could have sworn this time though, that he had stirred in the night and found her nestled in his arms. That may have been a dream.
As he sat up and started to adjust to the morning light, he wondered when exactly it was he had decided to be on-call for her. He jumped whenever she shouted, allowed himself to be used for her every whim. Although, once the door closed, it felt very much like he was doing the using, as she succumbed to his dominant bedroom nature. Once the door closed, he could make her quiver with just one look. When they arrived at work, everything switched and he was her loyal servant. Maybe that was why they had reached the pleasing dynamic they had, because knowing that he was entrusted with the small extent of vulnerability of this beautiful woman, made him feel less like the disgusting creature everyone painted him to be.
He knew it was time to get ready for work. He just had to let the thoughts of her leave first.
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The OR seemed especially hot right now. Meredith supposed the sleep deprivation was contributing to that, it can make a person seem a little off balance. As she fought the instinct to allow her eyelids to close, she switched her focus to the confusion that had been plaguing her all day. Last night's exploits had been particularly long and energetic, not that she was complaining, but that had made her fall asleep before she could grab her things and get out of there as she usually would. The last things she had sensed before giving into unconsciousness were the low rumble of his gentle snores, his solid arms cradling her to his chest, and his smell that suddenly seemed intoxicating. All things that had, not so long ago, been a passing fancy had this time lulled her to sleep. Please don't let my feeling be changing, she thought, I can't handle giving over the last bit of power I have in this scenario. Sneaking out without his knowledge had always kept her stable.
I'm in surgery here, she scolded herself. I should be focusing on the body in front of me, not Alex's.
Even as this ran through her mind, the tiredness was overwhelming despite the heart and life she held in her hands, and her eyes started to flicker shut.
"What was that, Dr. Grey?" Burke's voice startled her from her passive state and she realised a flicker of the monitor had alerted him to a problem.
"Sorry, it slipped. My hands." It dawned on her, with dread and guilt, she had squeezed the heart. This is what her antics had done to her, they had endangered a life.
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She's scared, Alex determined as he drummed his pen on the patient chart. That's why she needs a plaything, why she makes a quick getaway, why she keeps me a secret.
"Penny for 'em."
Alex shook himself at the voice. "Sorry, Hannah. I was miles away. Penny?"
His patient smiled kindly at him. "Your thoughts. Us old ladies often have sage advice, you know."
Alex smiled, and said "You don't really want to know, just boring personal stuff."
Hannah lit up at this. "Well, now I definitely want to know! Give me something to think about other than my troubling guts." He wondered where to begin, and she sensed this, guiding him into the conversation. "It's about a woman, am I right? A special woman?"
"It may be," he laughed. "Okay. If my friend was having... 'encounters' with a woman, ones that were always initiated by her but never spoken about, and she always left before he woke, and had something going on with another guy aswell... well, why would that be?"
Hannah seemed to consider carefully before she spoke. "I'd say... she's scared of something. Most likely, the way one or both of these guys makes her feel." Alex nodded in triumph as she continued. "That doesn't make it okay, though. Your friend should really tell her that." She leaned forward, and with a tissue, dabbed at a tear that he hadn't even noticed slip from his eye.
"I'm not crying because of her. There's a party and I'm not invited... oh god, that sounds even more pathetic."
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Had she been that blown away by imagining his body? Had it been so desirable to hold his face, running her hands all over and gripping his body? Had her hunger been so that feeding her desire mentally had led to clutching that heart? It all seemed too poetic. Far too romantic for her liking. This was supposed to be a passing fling, a hunger that only rose in her free time and that she was able to alleviate easily.
The scariest part about responsibility, she thought, when you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.
Yes, her control of the situation had slipped through her fingers. So much so, that someone's heart may now be punctured the way her stability now was, and the glove currently on her hand.
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Alex felt an unwelcome victory as he recognised the behaviour of his patient. Running his thoughts by Shepherd, he said, "Exaggerated and overly specific description of his pain, self prescription, pow pow pow? He's a Dilaudid junkie."
"So, what do you do?" Well, wasn't that the million dollar question. He wanted the win in this battle for Meredith's affections, he wanted to lose himself in her and give himself over to her completely. He wanted to tell Shepherd all this, so he knew that Alex would go down swinging. However, that wasn't the case in hand, they had to concentrate on this patient for now.
"Well, you check the database for history, refer to a program, discharge." Cue an argument about giving the patient pain meds. Alex felt his anger rising, arrogant attendings who didn't have a clue how addicts really work got under his skin, it was just coincidence that this one was in competition with him for the girl. What she saw in this clown, he would never know.
"First rule in pain management," Shepherd reminded him, "always err on the side of caution. He's in our care. He says he's in pain. Start a central line, his veins are shot."
Always err on the side of caution - never assume she wants you. In those moments, she's in your care, do what she needs. Work this differently than you usually would, because she's not like everyone else.
Screw winning, he would be happy to be her clown. He just wanted to be a part of her game.
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She wanted her escape. Most people would get one from what she was doing right now, dancing with their friends - amongst others - in their living room, with blaring music and drinking tequila straight from the bottle. But that just didn't do it for her anymore. She was an abandoned child whose determined love had made her mother push her even further away. She always argued her case, regardless of who it may be with, and that lost her friends in high places. She brought an end to everything before life could flip it all on it's head, in some flailing attempt to avoid disappointment at watching things crumble around her, and that meant missing out on watching anything grow. Cutting things down in their prime had made her relentless.
Glancing around the room, she saw him everywhere, her version of him - the one he only showed behind that closed door. She saw his sweet smile on George, his devilishly mischievous eyes on Cristina, his golden retriever energy on the revellers filling her home.
Alex needed an escape too, she knew that, and she knew it was her. She was the one place where he didn't have to play the bad guy, or deal with being assumed as one before doing anything wrong. Almost every idea that people had about him was completely wrong, but they would never be allowed to know that. He was weird and lovely and an attentive demon as soon as his pants were off.
Sometimes, their need for escape aligned. Other times, she was baffled at her own habits of cruelty towards their entanglement.
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If he was honest with himself, he should just let her go now, before it got too serious. But he knew the jealousy that had suddenly started taking root would never settle if he did that. He felt it boiling over again as Shepherd asked "Can you guys see him through recovery?"
Alex knew he was asking because he was off on his way to see Meredith, and that made him itch. He didn't know exactly what happened between the two of them, she always shut that conversation down whenever he had tried to ask. Regardless, he knew Shepherd had this knack of pulling her strings and doing everything he wanted to. He set her soul on fire and made her shake outside of the bedroom, and Alex had never had that ability.
This patient being here had given him a sharp shock into reality, and reminded him of his place in the world. He was pond scum, he was lucky to get whatever spare change she would throw at him. An addicts life, this is what he came from. There was no point trying to fight his way out of this now. "Yeah, I'll take it."
Izzie tried to argue with him and take her own responsibility, but he knew she wanted to make the party. "No, I got it. See your hockey player. I'm serious."
She smiled at him, baffled by this new side of him that she was seeing. "Yeah, okay. I guess. Thanks, Alex."
"No problem."
It really was no problem, he knew where he stood and he should never have questioned it. He certainly didn't want to dig his heels in now and jeopordise the sustinence that kept him going. He'd play as her puppet for a little longer.