Light, then oblivion. That's what I wanted. I wanted to die. I wanted karma for my terrible sins and actions. Is there anything more fitting for the very monster that accomplished the impossible? That ripped apart an omnipotent being who wanted only to help? Clearly, Madoka disagreed with that, because here I am. Laying in my bed, lost in my own thoughts.

It has only been a few days, but it feels like years. Madoka and those who were dead returned to the Law of Cycles, presumably to clean up my mess. As far as I can tell, things are more or less back to how they were before I was kidnapped by the Incubators. I shudder. How was I supposed to know they'd actually be able to lure her back? But then, they did underestimate how much I wanted her to finally be happy. At least, that's what I've always told myself. "I just want her to be happy." Shocking how something that sounds so noble and selfless could spiral into justification for my own selfish actions.

I am not a fool. I know damn well how I feel about Madoka. How much I love her. How truly captivating her kindness is. Even the little things like how pink is my favorite color, or how the sun reflects off of her eyes just…no. No. I cannot dwell on that. After all, will I ever see her again? Will I ever see her smile? Hear her laugh? After what I've done to her, if I wasn't resigned to this one-sided loved already, why would she love me

I know not why Madoka decided to spare me. I was absolutely shocked, and I can only imagine Sayaka was too. Wouldn't it be safer to not take such a risk? Wasn't she willing to kill even her friends to defend herself? A reminder that though I was once omnipotent, able to glance into other worlds and futures, I could not account for everything. I laugh at the bitter irony. Those rats tended to be soundly defeated due to being unable to truly predict Madoka. Of course the same would apply to me. But those who know all wouldn't just do that out of the goodness of their hearts. Even someone as kind as Madoka has to have had some reason. Some goal.

I force myself out of my bed. When I awoke in this world, I was shocked that I remembered everything. At least Madoka allowed me that luxury. And it is a luxury, I feel. I never intended for them to forget forever. That would be a fate worse than dying, I feel. If you take away the strongest memories, the memories that define someone, what does that leave? If I had forgotten Madoka, I honestly do not believe there would be anything left. Weird, pale orphan who was already suicidal? If Madoka wants me to live, to have another chance, I can understand why she'd let me remember her.

Magical powers aside, I like to think my ability to recall things is pretty good., even if it's far from infallible when I'm the only one who remembers, and others keep thinking I'm crazy for wanting to cling to these memories. What people don't realize is that this is a double-edged sword. While I remember what it was like to love and want to live, my nightmares are a firm reminder that I have been through Hell. Death. Destruction. Hatred. My own sins laid bare. Is it truly a shock that I was affected by my experiences? By repeating the same month over and over again? Such repetition and horror is not something I would wish even on my worst enemy.

45 days repeated so many times, I never bothered keeping track of just how long I was in that endless month. At first, I had friends that people would kill to have. I had let myself be happy for fleeting moments. And indeed, I found love. But as my mission wore on, I grew more and more distant. People who I thought of as friends now thought of me as crazy. Cold. Dangerous. Basically confirming what I had always thought of myself for as long as I remember, no matter how terrible. But it hurt so much more every time I was reminded that Mami Tomoe saw me as a rival trying to infringe on her territory. When Sayaka Miki, so willing to make me think she hated my bullies before, firmly believed I was a total monster. The only constant was Madoka. No matter how I came across, no matter how cruel or callous I was, Madoka would always try to befriend me. And it would always lead to her death. What was it Sayaka said once? Someone's hope becomes someone else's despair. That would be fitting. And truly, it was what I believed. My hope led to her despair, so I had clung to the idea that the reverse could be true. Again, Madoka seemed to disagree, since I'm here, thinking about all of this.

I could not stop this endless reminiscence, so before I knew it, my thoughts centered on something—someone—I had not thought of in such a long time. Hitomi Shizuki. Yes, the girl who loved the boy Sayaka was interested in before. And a dear, close friend to Sayaka and Madoka, once upon a time. Why am I thinking about her? Did I ever even talk to her?

When I thought that, a set of memories began to stand out. Yes. In one timeline—just one—I wanted to see how Sayaka's survivability would be affected if she was actually given the chance to date that boy. She certainly seemed happier, as far as I could tell. The same could not be said of Hitomi. Someone's hope is someone else's despair, after all. Hitomi was heartbroken, and she seemed to have no one to talk to about it. I am not as cold or emotionless as I seem now. Against my better judgement, and probably seeing a little of myself in her, I moved to comfort her. Clearly, I did not see enough of myself in her, because she grew quite attached to me. She would follow me around and hang around me all the time. Even saying silly things like how I was her soulmate. At the time, I was annoyed. I could only see her as a distraction from protecting Madoka. Why should I waste my time comforting some heartbroken girl on the wrong end of a love triangle when my enemy was fate itself?

It would have made things so much easier if I were as cold and aloof as I acted. But as I think of that, as I remember I was able to convince myself of that, I start to doubt myself. Do I really believe that? After all, if I was that emotionless, my love for Madoka would not have only grown deeper. I can't stop this line of thought, and indeed, it goes back to Hitomi.

Sayaka and Madoka were busy with that rat's manipulations, and she had just lost any chance at dating that boy. She was alone. She needed someone, and when someone offered her a bit of kindness, I understand all too well that her reaction was to latch onto me. I choose to ignore that no one else could have broken through to me like Madoka did, but the point still stands. All Hitomi Shizuki had wanted was a friend. Someone to talk to and support her. To comfort her. And how did I repay her? I laugh bitterly. "I treated this girl who only wanted a companion like absolute shit. I brushed her off. Complained that she wouldn't leave me alone. I treated this heartbroken, desperate, naive girl way too harshly."

Even saying that to myself, I remember that I never outright tried to push her away. The thought never came to me. So the main reason I had to have been so annoyed with her was because of my own single-minded focus on finally saving Madoka. If I had succeeded in that timeline…if the Incubators had well and truly been stopped from making a contract with Madoka forever…

However, that is irrelevant now. Just a what-if. Madoka has returned to the Law of Cycles. She has absolute power and knowledge of all universes, doesn't she? Even if I tried, I could not protect her like I wanted. Even so, I can't see or hear her anymore, no matter how much I want to.

In my most hopeful moments, I find myself thinking that maybe Madoka simply wanted to give me another chance.

Maybe I'm not the only one who deserves a second chance.