Chapter 3: Killer Titty Press Conference.
"I have breast cancer"
Silence is a curious thing. It carries with it a variety of different meanings. After a long, troubling day it might be the one thing you want the most. A sweet haven away from your office induced headache. When you´re in a fight with your spouse, it´s terrible. Wendy knew too well that a silent Eric Cartman meant he was carefully and methodically concocting a statement or a course of action so vicious that Satan himself would be proud, because she had gone too far in one of their spats. And he knew the same to be true about Wendy. It could be comforting, rewarding, unnerving, frightening, exciting…
However, the silence that followed Wendy´s statement during thanksgiving dinner was none of those. It was the calm before the storm. She felt, in that moment, very similar to how she felt earlier this morning announcing some budget cuts to the local press. Then, there was also a small silence that followed a myriad of questions regarding how this would affect the town´s Christmas celebrations.
The line up right now, was quite different though. It wasn´t the first time her kids couldn´t manage to come home from college for thanksgiving. It was, however, the first time she felt grateful for it. Everyone else was here though. She picked up a few faces reacting in that big table they put on the backyard to accommodate everyone.
Tears formed behind the eyes of a blond woman, but were yet to fall as she gasped in horror.
Her blond-haired husband stopped himself halfway through the process of opening his 6th can of Pissmeister beer and just looked into the eyes of his best friend.
A beautiful, however old she may be at the moment, woman of greying brown hairs uttered an almost inaudible "Oh, my God..."
A jewish man and his best friend looked positively mortified, as a smaller blond-haired man in a blue shirt stopped himself in the middle of a dad joke.
A man of grey hairs that once were red, cursed fate in silence as the same illness that took his wife now threatened his daughter.
Bebe and Kenny McCormick
Lianne Cartman
Kyle and Rebecca Broflowski
Stanley, Henrietta, Randy and Sharon Marsh.
Leopold and Sally Stotch.
And John Testaburger.
As the silence broke, Bebe proceeded to hug her best friend as the tears were finally released
Lianne put a hand on her daughter-in-law´s shoulder and looked into the eyes of her son with compassion.
Everyone else deflated from the previous hours of joyous feasting and possibly unhealthy drinking that took place. A few, like Stan and his wife, cursed themselves for smoking cigarettes in a house with a cancer patient.
Kenny McCormick, however, just offered the crowd the most versatile word that could possibly be spoken between male friends. Just like silence, a multitude of meanings could be behind it. But it was always perfectly understood amongst friends as familiar with each other as the five of them were.
"Dude…"
The hug was released and the silence was broken
"Well, uh… how serious is it?" Butters asked
"We don´t know yet. I have to do a few more exams. We wanted you and Bebe to take a look at the mammogram, though" Wendy said, kindly
"Well, gee Wendy, I ain´t no expert in that, but I can help" He said trying to sound somewhat positive. He was a gynecologist, so not exactly what they needed. Still, he was a doctor so he should know more about cancer that anyone else in their little group. Bebe nodded in agreement.
"Your insurance. Is it covering the stuff?" Kyle asked in a very serious tone
"After I threatened them with you, they are. Fucking assholes" Cartman said.
Kyle would have usually asked him to stop doing that, but decided against it, considering he was fully prepared to make good on Cartman´s lawsuit threats this time
"I can read the contract if you want. See what they cover on that thing" He offered
"Thanks, bruh." Cartman said.
"Weed." Randy said
"What?" Cartman asked
"It´s good for cancer, right? I mean, it helps with cancer or something… I don´t know, alright, just… Free Tegriddy weed. Whenever you guys need it."
"Thanks, Randy" She smiled softly, if somewhat awkwardly.
A bunch of questions followed. They didn´t have anything figured out yet, regarding the how of Operation Tittyfixer. Still, it was good to see they were all willing to help in any way they could.
Dinner progressed as all present tried to show support for Wendy and Eric in the ways they knew how.
Male friendship is a curious beast. They can be supportive of each other, specially in the really important moments. However, their support doesn´t look like support at all. One might even mistake male friendship for animosity at times. All of Cartman´s friends were currently employing the main forms of male friend support, such as:
N.1: The offer of alcohol
"Cartman, dude, you gotta try this beer it tastes awesome!" Kenny said, as he offered a can of pissmeister to Cartman. Kenny was absolutely correct, this did taste amazing.
N. 2: Distraction
"Coach Jackson is really fucking stupid. He should have benched that incompetent asshole Parker ages ago." Stan said as they both watched some sports commentator on the TV
"Right? That asshat hasn´t done shit all fucking season!" Cartman agreed
N. 3: Ripping on each other for something completely unrelated to the problem at hand
"EAT A BAG OF DICKS, FATASS!" Yelled Kyle from the couch
"GO GET IMPALED ON A MENORA, FUCKING JEW!" Cartman answered.
Hence, why it almost looks like animosity
N. 4: Talking about the practical aspect of the problem at hands.
"Well, like I said, I´m not an expert. I can take a look at it tomorrow and I can see if I can tell you something, but as far as I know, those exams can only tell you that you either have cancer or you don´t. They usually don´t give much more detail." Butters said
"That´s fine. She has a whole bunch of other exams this week and you can look at those" Cartman said
"Well, you might wanna prepare yourself for some other stuff too. I mean, we don´t have that much cancer stuff in Hell´s Pass." Butters said. "You might have to go to Denver for some of the treatment"
"Fucking assholes" Cartman said
"Send me the insurance contract, too. I´m gonna read it tomorrow and I´ll tell you what they cover and what they don´t, but I´m warning you, they make those things complicated on purpose so they can avoid paying stuff as much as possible." Kyle added.
N. 5: "I hate that too"
"I spent two hours on the fucking phone today trying to get Wendy´s exams authorized and they only relented when I mentioned you. Fucking greedy Jews" Cartman said. Kyle just flipped him off and gave a small laugh.
Both Cartman and Kyle understood that Cartman wasn´t actually antisemitic anymore. It was just a good natured inside joke between.
"I´m serious dude. Health insurance lawsuits are my bread and butter. You wouldn´t believe the kind of stuff those clowns put Jimmy through." Kyle said "I once got him a 30-thousand-dollar settlement because they wouldn´t cover some specific leg braces he needed to walk a little better, but the ones they did cover were just 100 dollars cheaper. Jimmy paid out of pocket and we sued them".
"Dude, that´s fucking bullshit!" Stan said
"Thank God I don´t have to deal with that shit" Kenny answered "Whenever I get sick I just shoot myself in the head and wake up the next morning"
"Well, I guess that works for ya, but we don´t all have that option. And it´s also a pain on the behind to get those fellas to pay me. They do, but it´s always a mountain of bureaucracy. Cheese and crackers!" Butters stated. "In fact, I´m waiting on the payment for 5 different labors right now."
"Dude, call me in the morning and remind me. You might get a lot more than just your payment. And trust me, they´ll never dare to pull that crap again" Kyle said
"Hell yeah, legal Jew-Jitsu!" Cartman said, opening another can of beer.
"Well I mean, I´m pretty hammered right now, so I might not remember to call you" Butters said
"Well, I´m not sober either. Someone has to remember. Is anyone here sober?" Kyle
"Nope" Said Cartman
"No" Said Kenny
"No" Said Randy, exhaling marijuana smoke
"No" Said Stan, signaling his dad to give him some.
"By the way dude" Stan said, after taking a puff "You might wanna look into this stuff. I know my dad is a jackass"
"Ow, fuck you!" Randy said
"But we truly mean it. I have no idea how you use this for cancer stuff or if the Tegriddy varieties are good for that, but… stop by the farm when they tell you. We´re gonna hook you guys up" Stan said.
"Well, it helps with the chemotherapy symptoms." Butters said
"Chemotherapy symptoms?" Cartman asked
"Well, uh, chemotherapy is really aggressive on the body, Eric." Butters said, stuttering a little due to the alcohol. "It´s gonna make her tired, nauseated, she´s gonna loose her hair and stuff. Cannabis makes that stuff a little better, you know. Easier to handle and whatnot"
"The fuck? Isn´t the treatment supposed to make her get better? I thought all of that was just the cancer" Cartman answered
"No" Said John Testaburger. "That´s the chemo. You didn´t see that with Mary because she didn´t want Wendy to see that stuff, but trust me. It´s bad"
Mr. Testaburger has been quiet ever since the announcement. Even after all this time, him and Cartman didn´t know how to properly behave with each other. They didn´t like the same things, didn´t think the same way…
John, however, had respect for Cartman. Not only for helping out with Mary´s treatment as much as he did, but for being a good husband to his daughter. And that respect went both ways, to such an extent that Cartman usually left him out of his usual antics.
"Well, fucking shit. Alright, I´m gonna ask the doctors about weed before she starts chemo. Fingers crossed, we don´t get that far" Cartman said "Thanks Stan, thanks Randy"
"It´s no problem. It´s all about having Tegriddy" Randy said, in his characteristic manner, which elicited a groan from all other males.
Female friendship on the other hand, was quite different.
They´re sort of the standard of what actual support looks like
"When did you find out?" Lianne asked
"Yesterday. Just before we went out to groceries, actually" Wendy answered
"Oh, so that´s why we didn´t buy that wine" Rebecca said
"Well, you can drink honey. Just don´t over do it and you might wanna quit altogether for chemo, but now it´s probably fine" Bebe said
"Thank God" Wendy said, pouring herself some of the wine the other women were drinking
"Why didn´t you tell us yesterday?" Rebecca asked "I mean, we made you carry all that stuff!"
"It´s okay, Rebecca. I wanted to carry all that stuff." Wendy laughed. "I guess I just wanted to remain 'normal' for a while"
"I know what you mean." Bebe said "You didn´t want the whole 'I´m a cancer patient' to star sooner that it should, right?"
"Yeah, that´s gonna suck" Henrietta added. "Sorry for smoking earlier, by the way. Not doing that in your house anymore"
"It´s okay" Wendy said "You didn´t know and it´s not like I have lung cancer, at any rate"
"Still, I can´t imagine what you must be going through. I mean… it must be scary" Sally said
"It is. I´ve been having a few scary thoughts here and there, but… Cartman is really helping" Wendy said "He´s just being his usual self, you know?" She looked at Lianne when she said that
"I know" Lianne said "He probably has a whiteboard somewhere in the house with all the planning for the treatment"
"That closet over there" Wendy pointed to a closet.
Bebe opened to look at what Cartman had done
"Blond bitch squad? That motherfucker!" She screamed
"He means, well, it´s just…" Wendy said holding back a few tears "I mean, we just got all the kids into college and we´re supposed to be enjoying our lives, you know? We work so hard all the time to get ready for the future, when we can finally relax and just let things go and…"
She started crying at this point
All of the women in the room, just hugged her and let her cry. First Lianne, then Bebe, then Rebecca and Sally, finally Henrietta, who for once in her life suppressed the urge to call them conformists.
"It´s gonna be okay, sweetie" Lianne said, crying together with her daughter in law.
"Hey Wendy, we still got that pecan pie…" Eric Cartman stopped himself from finishing his quest for food as he saw the scene taking place.
He usually wasn´t very good at this stuff, but he never backed down from trying for the sake of his wife either.
His mom looked at him and gestured him to join them. All the women released them from the hug, until it was just Cartman and Wendy hugging each other
"Listen to me" Cartman said as his wife cried. "No, no, listen to me. We´re getting through this, alright? Together. You and me and our family. All of us, right here, we´re gonna get through this. We´re gonna figure this whole thing out and get you the best fucking treatment in the planet. We´re gonna do this even if we have to burn down all of planet earth, alright?"
He said, trying his best to hold his usual self. It was impossible.
As all the men walked into the room, hearing the commotion. All seeing the sad display at hand, suddenly unable to resort to their usual ways of support.
Those who looked from the outside might mistake Eric Cartman for a complete bastard, without any feelings whatsoever. That wasn´t true at all. He just learned to bury them and ignore them if at all possible.
Even then, right now, he felt like shit. He didn't know if he was telling her the truth. He didn´t know if they were gonna get through this.
But one thing he said was entirely true. He´d burn down all of planet earth if he had to in the process.
Good thing they had a big family that would be beside them every step of the way, doing whatever they could. Even Cartman´s very unconventional band of brothers.
End chapter note: There is no "pissmeister beer", "coach Jackson" or "that asshat Parker". I made them all up. Read and review.