Tales of Pabu
Part Three: Hunter and Omega—
Healing and Regret
1.
Hunter knocked on the door of the Genoa residence.
After a few moments, Phee answered, looking tired and anxious. He imagined that expecting a child would do that. But he didn't think it was that that was causing the circles under her eyes.
"Hey, Bandana," she said by way of greeting, though without her usual irreverent tone.
He followed her into the house, where she had been making cold sunberry tea in the open kitchen area. "Can I get you some?" she asked, holding out a cup. "Tech's in the other room with Senn." Low voices could be heard from Tech's workroom. It had only been a few days since the incident on the patio. When they'd nearly lost Tech—again.
"No thanks," he said, sitting down on the sofa. He looked toward the door of the workroom. "How is he?"
She sighed, sitting down as well with a cup of tea. "Better in the last few days, I suppose. Since he started talking to Senn. Thank the stars for him." She took a sip of tea. "Still having nightmares, though."
"It'll take time," he said, briefly putting a hand on her arm.
She nodded. "Sure you don't want any?" she asked, indicating the tea. "He could be a little while."
"Actually, I came to see you."
"Oh." She raised her brows. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Before Crosshair left, he told me something that has me…concerned."
"What else is new with that one?" she quipped.
"Normally, I would agree, but it was about Omega."
She grew serious. "What did he say?"
"He said…well, he said that she had a boyfriend."
She chuckled. "He's probably just trying to get a rise out of you. I've seen how things are between you two."
He winced. He'd been trying to heal the breach between them, and he believed that Crosshair was at least meeting him halfway. But there would always be the thorn of history pricking them.
"I'd agree with you there, too. But since it's about Omega, I want to be sure."
"Well, I haven't seen any evidence of that. Of course, I've been busy." Now she glanced at the workroom door. "I had a talk with her about this kind of stuff—well, sorta—and she didn't seem too interested in any of it." She shrugged. "Although at that age, things can change pretty quickly." She eyed him. "Have you asked her?"
He shifted on the sofa. "Well, no. I'm just not sure how to bring it up."
She put her cup down. "Look, Hunter, I know you're Omega's brother and not her father. But that's the role you've taken on. And, well, fathers need to know how to do that stuff, too." She brushed her still-flat stomach, glancing at the workroom door again, no doubt thinking of Tech.
It was still strange to think of Tech as a father. But it was a strange, surprising galaxy. One thing he knew for sure was that Tech loved Phee, and their child would be equally loved.
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
He must have looked terrified or something because she suddenly laughed. "What's the matter, Sarge? Looks like you'd rather take on the entire Empire alone rather than talk to one little girl."
"You're not wrong," he admitted. "But that's the problem. She's not a little girl anymore."
Phee put a hand on his arm. "I know. Just ask what you need to ask, and then listen."
"All right."
She tilted her head at him. "What about you?"
"What about me?" But he knew what she was getting at.
"I've noticed a certain pretty redhead taking a very keen interest in you."
"Marissa and I are just good friends."
"Hmmm. And does she know that?"
"Sure." At least, he thought she knew.
"Hmmm," Phee murmured again. "Just you make sure you're not throwing away a good thing. Believe it or not, Hunter, it's okay for you to be happy."
"I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for the advice." He stood to leave. "And tell Tech to take his time coming back to work on the water project."
"I will. But knowing him, he'll go back sooner rather than later. It'll be better that way, anyway. He doesn't do well with an idle mind." Her face took on a troubled look again, but she gave a small smile as she opened the door for him.
"You're probably right. Bye, Phee."
2.
Senn watched Tech fiddle with the broken datapad at the table in his workroom.
Tech didn't mind talking, as long as he could do something while he was doing it. Rather counter-intuitively, it helped him focus on what they were talking about. Or maybe it removed him from the immediacy of what they were talking about and so made it easier. Senn wasn't exactly sure; he just knew it was better for Tech to keep his hands busy while they had their discussions.
"How was your sleep last night?" Senn asked. He knew the answer; Tech, and Phee, for that matter, looked weary today.
"Fine." He did some delicate work with a spanner on the datapad.
"Any nightmares?"
A pause. "I think so. I do not remember much, really."
Phee had already told Senn that Tech had woken suddenly in a cold sweat last night. "What do you remember? An image, a feeling? Sometimes if you remember one thing about a dream, you can remember more."
"I am not sure I want to remember, Senn. I have tried to forget that time. To put it behind me."
"I understand. But, in its own way, it's not letting you forget. And it's showing itself in destructive ways. Dangerous ways, as the other night proved. I think…if you actively try to remember, you can take back control of it. And if you control it, instead of the other way around, you can banish it. Tell it to go away and never come back. But you have to face it, first."
Tech didn't speak for several minutes, and the spanner sparked a few times as he made adjustments to its components. Senn waited. He'd learned to be patient with people who had suffered trauma. He should know; he'd been one of them.
Finally, Tech said, "In the dream, I remember feeling trapped. Unable to move. Helpless. Pain. A voice. His voice." He stopped working and stared at the datapad.
"Hemlock's voice?" Senn prodded gently. He'd heard the story of Tantiss from Crosshair. About the Imperial doctor who experimented on clones.
Tech put down the spanner and picked up another tool, one that Senn wasn't familiar with. He didn't know technology at all. He didn't know the wiring of machines. But he knew the wiring of hearts and minds.
"Yes," Tech said, "Hemlock's. I do not remember what he was saying."
"That's all right. What were you feeling?"
"The usual emotions one feels, I imagine, when being tortured. Fear. Defiance. At first, anyway. Then anger. Rage. And then despair. Because there is no escape."
Senn briefly closed his eyes. It never got easier, hearing people's horror stories. Sometimes he wished he couldn't do this. That he wasn't good at it. But it was his gift. If he could help people with it, then that's what he would do.
"There," Tech said, putting down the tool and holding up the datapad. "Good as new." He finally looked over at Senn and met his eyes. "A pity it is not as easy to fix broken people." He tried, and failed, to smile at him.
"You're not broken, Tech. You wouldn't be here, if you were."
"It is only because of you that I am here at all," he said, looking away. Now that he was done with his tinkering, his emotions came crashing through. Senn felt his frustration, his fear, radiating off him in waves. "What if I hurt them?" he whispered. Meaning his pregnant wife, his brothers and Omega, the residents of Pabu. All the people he loved.
Senn put a hand on his arm. "We won't let that happen. I'll help you. We'll work together to sort this out. All right?" He used a little bit of his influence to calm Tech down, to ease his anxiety.
Tech sighed, as if exhaling all his worries, and looked at him again. "Yes. Thank you, Senn."
"Do you want to continue?"
"I think I heard Hunter. Do you mind if I check with Phee to see what he wanted?"
"Not at all. We can talk again tomorrow if you want. I have plenty of time."
He must have sounded rueful because Tech eyed him kindly. "Crosshair will return. I am certain of it."
"Yes." He'll return. To see his siblings. But will he return to see him? He had told Cross he loved him, just before he left. Did that scare him away? He knew Cross loved him back; that wasn't the issue. The issue was whether he would ever admit it. If he could accept that part of himself. And if he could accept the part of Senn that had the Force.
The only thing Senn could do was wait.
3.
Omega loved the water.
All that time on Kamino, and of course she could never swim in its oceans—except that horrible time the Empire blew up Tapoca City, and she and her brothers had nearly died.
But here on Pabu, the sun shone, the air was hot, the water cool, and her friends were laughing and screaming along with her as they splashed in its salty waters, swimming and playing games, and throwing each other into the waves.
Lyana and Derik were playing a game of chase, clearly flirting with each other. Omega had caught them kissing a couple of times, and she'd pretended she didn't notice. She felt a little jealous; Derik was taking up more and more of Lyana's time. Time she usually spent with Omega.
Their other friend, Kip, watched them as well with a wicked grin. "Do you think we should leave them alone?" he asked her, elbowing her in the arm.
Omega frowned. "We're supposed to be hanging out together," she said resentfully.
"They're just having some fun," Kip said. "Like we are," he added, suddenly lifting her up and throwing her into the water. She screamed in delight and came up from the water laughing.
"Kip!"
She was having fun. She liked Kip. He was easy-going and quick to laugh. And maybe a little bit cute. He had tawny skin that had tanned a deeper shade, shaggy brown hair with blonde tips, and gray eyes that sometimes looked green. Sometimes he touched her elbow, or her shoulder, or brushed her growing hair out of her eyes. She didn't really know what to think about all of it. Or rather, how to feel about it. Lyana talked incessantly about Derik; and while Omega liked Kip, she wasn't obsessed with him. Often, she grew impatient with Lyana for not wanting to talk about anything else.
Curious one day, she'd asked Phee what it was like to be in love. It was obvious to everyone, even her, that she and Tech were in love; but she wanted to know what it felt like. Phee had answered with some metaphor about caf and milk and being all mixed up together—clearly love made you kind of strange in the head. She hadn't really understood, but it didn't sound like anything she wanted to experience. She was Omega. Not Omega mixed with someone else.
Kip sidled up to her in the water. "What are you thinking about?" He rested his hands on her hips, closer than she really wanted him to be.
"I'm ready to get out of the water." She moved away from him and waded to the shore. Plopping down on one of the towels they'd brought, she closed her eyes and relished the warmth of the sun on her cool, wet skin.
Kip came out too and sat down next to her. They watched Lyana and Derik frolicking in the water. "Do you think they've done it?" Kip asked conspiratorially.
"Done what?"
He rolled his eyes. "What do you think? It."
"You mean…sex?"
He laughed. "Yeah."
"How am I supposed to know?"
"Doesn't Lyana confide in you? Isn't that what girls do?"
A flicker of annoyance rose in her. "Even if she did tell me, I wouldn't tell you. That's private."
He shrugged. "Sorry."
She was getting tired of his company. "I gotta go." She stood up and wound a patterned wrap around her waist. "Lyana!" she shouted. "I'm leaving!"
Lyana stopped her giggling and looked over at her. "Already?"
"I'll see you later!"
"Okay!" Her focus immediately went back to Derik.
"Can I walk you home?" Kip asked her.
She didn't really want him to, but she said, "If you want." She slipped her sandals on and picked up the towel. They left the beach and began the ascent up the hill, to where she shared some rooms with Hunter near the top.
"Can I ask you something?" he said as they ambled their way past the residents of Pabu, most of them on their way home for dinner.
"Sure," she said cautiously. She was afraid he was going to ask her something else that was private or that might embarrass her.
"What's it like to have so many adult brothers?"
She smiled. This was a subject she didn't mind. "I'm actually older than they are. I just don't have the accelerated aging like they do."
"That's so weird and confusing," he admitted, frowning.
She laughed, glad to throw him off kilter for once. "That's the life of a clone," she said airily. "But to answer your question, it's kind of wonderful."
"In what way? I'm only asking because I don't have any brothers or sisters."
"I had an adult sister, too. But…she died." She didn't like to think about Emerie, and how she died on Tantiss. "And you could say all the clones are my brothers. But these…these are special. They took me in, protected me, and then trained me. They taught me everything I know."
"Trained you to be a soldier?"
"Yes. Just like them." There had been nothing else in the galaxy she'd wanted more than to be like them. That was still mostly true. Now that she was on Pabu, she, like them, had to figure out what else there was. Perhaps the boy next to her was part of that. That thought made her uncomfortable again.
"Well, I'll tell you a secret," he said, looking over at her. "I'm actually a little afraid of you."
She laughed. "What? Why?"
"Because I'm afraid if I tried to kiss you, you might beat me up or something."
They were back on awkward territory. In some ways, she felt far older than Kip. After all, she had been on missions with her brothers for years, had seen the galaxy and the evils it held, had been in battles, and nearly died several times. This boy seemed so innocent in comparison. Yes, he and his parents had fled their home because of the Empire—most of the residents here had—and had seen some bad things. But not like her. She was a soldier, like her brothers, as she'd said.
But—in other ways, Kip seemed more experienced than her, mostly about relationships with people her own age. She'd spent most of her life around adults and didn't really know how to relate to teenagers like her. People her age seemed to become more interested in intimate relationships, and she had no experience there, or desire to get it. Was something wrong with her?
"So will you?" he asked, breaking her out of her reverie.
"Will I what?"
"Beat me up if I tried to kiss you?" he laughed.
"Seems to me you should probably ask before doing something like that."
He stopped in the street and took hold of her arm. "So can I kiss you, Omega?" He was more serious than he had been all afternoon.
"Right here in the street?" she said, looking around nervously. People strolled past, families and couples and those alone just out for an evening walk.
"Why not? I like you, Omega, and I think you're pretty." His hand was still on her arm.
She didn't know how to react to such words. She stood there, unable to muster up a response. Thank the stars, she heard a familiar voice behind them.
"Is there a problem here, Omega?" Wrecker had pulled up in the land speeder he'd been fixing up and using to ferry people up and down the mountain. His usually kind and child-like face had taken on the terrifying look of menace he could have when he was ready to smash someone or something to a pulp. Kip's face went pale.
"No, everything's fine," she said quickly, pulling her arm away from Kip. "Glad you're here. I'm running late and could use a ride up the hill." She jumped into the speeder. "See you later, Kip." She waved, and Wrecker sped away, all too willing to take her away from the boy who'd been touching his little sister. She didn't look behind her, but she could imagine Kip standing there, alone and bewildered. She felt kind of sorry for him, but mostly relieved to be away from him.
"Now," Wrecker said, looking over at her briefly. "Is everything really fine? Because I can take care of him, if you want." He looked eager, as if he very much wanted to take care of him.
"No, it's fine. I can handle it." If she was going to navigate this new world, she had to learn to deal with it herself. But at least she knew she had her brothers to help if she got in a bind.
"If you say so," Wrecker said, although he sounded disappointed. "Where should I take you?"
"Back home, I guess."
4.
Back home, Hunter was going over some schematics for the new water system he and Tech had been working on. With Tech taking some time off, the work was going slower now, and Hunter knew it wouldn't get back on schedule until Tech returned. But he'd meant what he'd said to Phee—he wanted Tech to take as much time as he needed. It was just, well, he wasn't Tech and couldn't replace him. The job would just have to wait.
He put down the schematics and rubbed his eyes. This kind of work wasn't exactly what he'd been trained for. But Shep appreciated the help and whatever they could do to make Pabu better. This is where his people belonged. After what they'd been through, they deserved to have nothing more pressing to decide than what to have for dinner that night. For once, they decided how to live their lives.
Even if it meant leaving. Crosshair and Echo's absences left holes in their family. But he knew they were pursuing the lives that were meant for them, and that's what mattered. The rest of them were trying to find their places here. Tech had Phee and their unborn child, Wrecker seemed happy doing just about anything helpful, and Omega…well, Omega was growing up and experiencing what most kids her age were doing. He sighed. Boyfriends…
"What are you thinking about so deeply?" a familiar voice said from the door.
He turned to see Marissa standing there, smiling at him. She really was quite pretty, with long red hair that she wore down around her shoulders and green eyes that looked at him as if he were the only man on Pabu.
"Wait, let me guess," she said, strolling into the room and leaning against the table he was at. "Your squad." She crossed her arms and raised a judgmental eyebrow.
"I was thinking about the water project, actually," he said. It was partially true, at least.
She laughed. "You're a terrible liar, Hunter," she said. She leaned toward him and put her hand across his on the table. "They're safe here on Pabu. You don't have to worry about them anymore."
That wasn't necessarily true, but he didn't have the energy just now to explain this to her. He would always feel responsible for them.
Her finger traced up his bare arm. "You should start worrying about yourself, instead."
"And why is that?" Her touch caused goosebumps to rise on his skin. Ever since Tech and Phee's wedding a few months ago, Marissa had been coming around, attaching herself to him, flirting with him, trying to get him to talk about himself, inviting herself to Shep's dinners. He had to admit, she was persistent. He'd always tried to keep her at arm's length, explaining to her that his family had to come first for a while. And for a while, he succeeded.
But maybe her patience was starting to wear thin. And maybe his resistance was, too. Because when she moved closer to him, he didn't stop her. When she straddled him on the chair, he didn't stop her.
"Because I'm going to make you forget them for a while," she said, and kissed him. He didn't stop her. His hands went to her waist. Her hair fell around his face like a dark red curtain, blocking everything else out except her lips, her tongue, her teeth…
Suddenly, through the pounding of his blood, he heard a voice. "Hunter! Are you—"
"Omega!" He nearly threw Marissa off him as Omega stared at them from the door, her hand over her mouth. Marissa cried out and fell to the floor.
"Sorry," Omega muttered, and ran from the house.
"Hunter!" Marissa glared up at him from the floor, her hair in disarray.
"I…I'm sorry," he said, and helped her up.
"That kriffing kid," she growled, dusting off her bottom.
"That kriffing kid is my sister," he said with some heat. "She lives here." He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "We never should have…"
"And why not?" she said hotly. "Your sister has other brothers. Why can't she stay with them?"
Tech and Phee were newlyweds with a child of their own on the way; Wrecker was out of the question. But the point was moot—it wasn't this woman's decision.
"I think you should leave," he said.
Marissa's expression immediately changed, from angry to supplicating. "I'm sorry. I was just startled, that's all, and, well, I ended up on the floor." She gave a little laugh that didn't sound genuine. "No harm done. She's gone now. Maybe we can…?" She approached him, her hands raised as if to embrace him again.
He grasped her wrists. "No, we can't. Goodbye, Marissa."
Her pretty face melted into anger again, and she threw his hands off. "You're lucky I hate the Empire as much as you do. Or they'd be getting a very interesting call about some rogue clones."
She turned on her heel and stormed out.
Hunter let out a shaky sigh. Did they have anything to fear from Marissa? He didn't think so. Still, he cursed himself for a fool. He should have been honest with her from the very beginning. His family came first. Always.
He figured he better go find Omega. They had a lot to talk about.
5.
Senn focused on the seashell. And focused. And focused.
And focused.
But it refused to move.
After what had happened with Tech on the patio, he realized he was capable of so much more. When he was younger, he'd tried to move small objects and they did nothing but vibrate. But he'd been impatient and had given up, believing himself not very strong in that regard.
He knew better now. But he would have to tap into his reserves of patience. What he'd done with Tech had been born of deadly urgency. He didn't think he could replicate it again if he tried. Not without training.
Which he didn't have. The Jedi were gone, and he knew next to nothing about them. So he would have to try on his own. He was trying too hard, he knew that.
Relax, he told himself. Didn't the Jedi meditate or something? He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, trying to clear his mind. He knew as much about meditation as he did about the Jedi. But how hard could it be?
Damn hard, as it turned out. He believed himself a calm, serene sort of person, but the moment he consciously tried to clear his mind, he found that it was a restless beast. A rampaging rancor, in fact.
Cross flashed through his mind. He was always there, just under the skin of his thoughts. He pushed him away. Instead, images of his morning floated up to him, who he saw, conversations he had. A melody he heard from a Bith playing a flute. Songs his mother used to sing to him as a child. His father's kind eyes, blue like his own. Terror in those eyes. The smoke and rubble of his city, his parents' blood—
No. He opened his eyes, which were wet with tears. Well, so much for that. He wiped his eyes, but he wasn't going to give up.
He took a few deep breaths and focused on the shell again, but didn't try so hard this time, didn't try to hold onto it or force it into anything. He kept his mind soft, his eyes roving over the contours of the shell, noticing its shimmering rainbow of colors, its ridges, the small cavern where life had once lived….
The shell jerked on the table, not far, but any movement was a victory. He yelped in triumph. If only Cross was here! Well, he wasn't so sure if Cross would be proud or dismayed. But he wanted to prove himself in his lover's eyes.
Crosshair had his special skill. Senn would have his own.
6.
Omega kicked a stone in the street.
She wasn't sure where she was going, or cared, as long as it was away from the rooms she shared with Hunter. She tried not to think about what she'd seen when she came through the door, but the image kept returning to her mind's eye: the woman, Marissa, on top of Hunter in the chair, kissing him as if her life depended on it.
It was as if Pabu turned everyone into wild animals!
But that wasn't fair, really. It was just that here—on lovely, idyllic Pabu—there was no war, no missions, no stakes. Just life. Normal life. That was what Hunter wanted for her all along. And now there was time and room for personal relationships outside the squad. Even for Hunter.
She hadn't liked Marissa very much since she met her a couple of months ago. There just seemed to be something off about her—she barely registered any interest in Omega, or any of the clones, for that matter. It was always about Hunter. Omega could understand that if she truly thought Marissa cared for Hunter. But there was something selfish about her interest. It was about Marissa's happiness, and not Hunter's.
Senn had seen her watching Marissa suspiciously the other night at dinner and had come over to her.
"Are you okay?" he asked her. She liked Senn a lot; she was glad Crosshair had him. Crosshair needed someone to understand him without needing a lot of words. Well, when he was here. And of course, Tech wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Senn.
"I don't like her," Omega admitted, nodding over at Marissa, who was trying to dominate Hunter's attention.
Senn had looked over at Marissa thoughtfully and nodded. "I have the sense that Marissa—like most of us here—has some bad experiences to deal with. And her way to deal with it is to seek attention through intimacy. It's a rather common form of coping."
She didn't quite understand, but she was glad that Senn agreed with her that Marissa's interest in Hunter didn't feel right. She thought maybe she was just jealous. And she was, a little bit. Okay, a lot. But she knew it was more than that.
But the way Senn explained it, she felt sorry for Marissa and tried not to be resentful. But she worried about Hunter.
And then seeing them like that—it was disorienting, as if her world had tilted in a way it shouldn't have.
"Hey, I thought you were going home."
She sighed at the familiar voice behind her. She wasn't in the mood to deal with Kip again. She turned. "Hunter wasn't home," she lied. "I want to find him."
"I thought you had a commlink?"
"I misplaced it," she said impatiently, hating all this lying.
"Look, Omega, can I talk to you? Someplace quiet?"
"Sure," she said, looking around for a quiet, but not completely isolated, place. She noticed a courtyard with no one in it off to the right and headed that way.
She sat down on a bench, and he sat next to her. Wanting to control the situation, she spoke first. "I'm sorry I took off like that. You just…made me uncomfortable."
"I'm sorry, Omega. I don't mean to, honest. I just like you." He smiled, almost shyly. "When my family and I first came here a year ago, I didn't know anyone. I had to leave all my old friends behind. I worry about them, but I can't contact them. I'll probably never see them again or know what became of them." His brow furrowed at the thought. "It's so beautiful and peaceful here, but I kind of hated it, at first. I was lonely. But when I met Lyana and Derik and you, it got better. A lot better. So when I saw Derik and Lyana getting close, I was jealous. I didn't want to lose them, so I turned to you. I thought, maybe we could have what they have." He looked sheepish. "Kind of stupid, huh?"
She shook her head. "I was jealous, too," she admitted. "I'm glad for them, but I feel a little left out. But…I'm not ready for that kind of relationship, Kip. Not yet."
"I understand. And honestly, maybe I'm not ready, either. Back home, there was a girl…her name was Jannah." He looked down at his hands, as if embarrassed.
"Did you love her?" She thought about bringing up caf and milk and being mixed up but thought better of it.
"I…don't know. Maybe? I just know it really hurt to leave her behind."
"I'm sorry, Kip."
"Me, too." He smiled at her. "I'd still like to be friends with you, if that's okay? I promise I won't make you feel weird or anything."
She smiled back at him. "I'd like that."
"Omega." Hunter's voice came from the edge of the courtyard.
"Hey, looks like your brother found you," Kip said. He stood. "See you tomorrow? Maybe we can take a boat ride to the other side of the peninsula. I hear there's sea animals called boyu that live on the rocks there."
"Sounds fun."
Hunter came up to them. "I'm Hunter," he said, holding out his hand to Kip.
"Kip," her friend said, shaking his hand firmly. "Nice to meet you, sir."
"I'd like to speak with Omega alone, if you don't mind."
"I was just leaving. Bye, Omega."
"Bye."
They watched him walk away, his blonde-tipped hair blowing in the warm breeze. Hunter sat where Kip had just been, and they didn't speak for a few minutes.
"Omega, I'm sorry you saw that."
"It's okay. It just took me by surprise, that's all."
"Well, it won't happen again."
"Hunter, it's okay if you have a girlfriend." She just wished it wasn't Marissa.
"Well, thanks for your permission. But Marissa isn't for me."
She looked at him sidelong. "It kind of looked like it to me."
"Yeah, well…it was a mistake. After you left, she showed her true colors. And I didn't like them."
Relief swept through her. Not because she felt possessive of Hunter in any way—at least, she didn't think so—but because she knew her instincts about Marissa had been right. She was glad that Hunter figured that out, too.
"So…" he began. "Kip."
He looked so awkward and uncomfortable, she had to laugh. "He's just a good friend."
"Are you sure? I mean, it's okay if you aren't. I just want to make sure that…well, you know what you're getting into…and if you need to talk about it—"
She smiled at him. "I'm sure. Kip and I were just talking about it, actually. And we think we're better off right now as just friends."
"Oh," he said, nodding. "Okay. Good. I mean, if that's what you want."
She laughed again. "You're really bad at this, aren't you?"
He exhaled noisily. "Yeah. But I promise I'll keep trying, okay?"
"Okay."
"Hungry?"
"Starving!"
"Let's go."
They walked together to Shep's patio, where their family would gather to eat and talk and laugh. Senn was a part of that group now; and, Hunter assured her, Marissa was no longer invited.
7.
Phee woke from a light sleep, sensing Tech waking from another nightmare. Senn had warned them that it might get worse before it got better. He'd planted a suggestion in Tech's mind earlier in the day, wanting him to remember the dreams, so he could get past Tantiss and move on. She supposed it was working, but wondered how much sleep they'd have to miss to accomplish that. It didn't matter. She'd do whatever it took to help her husband get well.
"Baby?" She touched his shoulder as he sat up in bed, breathing hard. He flinched from her touch, whipping his head around. The sweat on his face shone in the moonlight. "It's me, love," she soothed.
"Phee," he breathed, staring at her, then looking around their bedroom, as if convincing himself he was really there, instead of wherever he had been in the dream. But she knew where.
"It's okay," she said. "You're safe."
"It is not my safety I am worried about," he uttered, running a hand through his hair.
She just sat with him, a hand on his back while he caught his breath. She had learned not to ask too many questions; if he wanted to share something, he would. Most of the time he didn't, simply because he couldn't remember. Usually just bits and pieces, or feelings.
After a while his breathing calmed, though he still trembled. He squeezed his eyes shut for a few moments, then opened them to look at her.
"Phee, I want to tell you something."
"Okay."
It was several more moments before he spoke.
"I have remembered something," he finally said. "Something I….did."
She nodded, waiting. The sea murmured outside their window.
"Hemlock…." He paused at the hated name. "Hemlock wanted to test me. To test my….conditioning. My compliance. He brought in one of the prisoners, a clone I did not know. He told me to….to kill him."
She squeezed his arm.
He swallowed hard. "So I did. Without question. I just raised the blaster he gave me and shot him. And I felt….nothing." He raised his head and stared into the middle distance. "No, not nothing. I was….happy. Happy to please the doctor." He put his head in his hands.
"Just so he'd stop hurting you," she urged. She hated Hemlock with a deep passion, all over again.
"It did not matter anymore. I did not care about the pain. If he wanted to flay the skin from my body, I would have gladly endured it."
"Because he made you that way," she insisted, her voice cracking. "It wasn't you, Tech. That was the whole point."
He took his head from his hands, swiping at his eyes. "I will never know that trooper's name or designation. But I will never forget the expression on his face as I raised the blaster." He took a shuddering breath. "I am not sure I like this idea of remembering."
She kissed his bare shoulder. "It won't be easy. But I'll be here to help you through it."
He looked at her, his eyes shining in the moonlight. "I am sorry, Phee, for bringing this pain into your life. Perhaps you should have stuck with treasure-hunting."
She took his hands. "Never say that. You've brought such joy into my life, when there had only been loneliness, if I'm honest." She put his hands on her belly. "You've given me a treasure I never even knew I wanted. A precious jewel of our own."
He smiled then, caressing her where their child grew. "Our jewel," he murmured. He embraced her, and they lay down on the bed again, holding each other until Phee felt herself drifting off again. "That is a good name," Tech whispered in her ear, and she agreed.
8.
Marissa walked along the edge of the beach a few days later. Her anger at Hunter had passed through her like a hot wind, leaving her numb with despair. He had been her lifeline, her last hope of safety after the last few terrible years of fear and anguish.
She hadn't felt this empty and hollow since her parents were arrested. They'd been bureaucrats of the Republic on Coruscant; she didn't even know exactly what they did in their high-rise offices, only that they had money, and she'd been able to have anything she wanted, especially from her doting father.
But then they'd both been arrested for treason—treason!—by the Empire. One day, they just never came home, and an old Aunt she barely knew arrived to take her to the other side of the planet. That had been bad enough, but a short time later her Aunt informed her that she'd arranged a marriage for her with some low-level Imperial diplomat.
She'd been seventeen years old, and didn't want to marry anyone, much less some Imperial lackey with cold hands, and an even colder expression. He'd been at least twenty years older, an old man to her eyes. When he'd left after that awkward meeting over tea, she told her Aunt as much.
"And what makes you think you have a choice in the matter?" the woman had hissed. "We need to mend our family name any way we can, or we'll suffer the same fate as your parents."
She ran away the next day, stealing some credits from her Aunt's room and taking the earliest transport off-world. She didn't know anything about Daiyu—she didn't know much about anything then—she just wanted to get away from Coruscant and her scheming Aunt, and the wintry smile of the Imperial.
Things had just gotten worse from there. Daiyu was a den of thieves, smugglers, spice workers, prostitutes, bounty hunters, and whatever other riff-raff made their way there from the wider galaxy. She had no more money, knew no one, and knew even less about how to survive in a world like this. Her father had always taken care of her; who would take care of her now?
She was young and scared and naïve, and found herself trusting the wrong people. She ended up in a brothel, a virtual slave of the owner, and the nightmare began in earnest. Most of the workers there were runaways or orphans, and most were addicted to spice. The Owner controlled his workers through the glittering powder. Marissa somehow avoided giving in to the lure of oblivion through the spice, but the Owner punished her in other ways for her resistance. She preferred the beatings to being assigned to the most disgusting, perverse clients that walked into the place.
"Do you know what he wanted me to do?" she cried, as he threatened her with the vibro-whip. She had refused a client, and he had stormed out of the place, enraged.
"I don't care what he wanted you to do," the slimeball owner had sneered. "He's a paying client. You will do whatever a client asks, and that's an end to it. Until your debt to me is paid, you will do what I want you to do. You are mine."
She knew her debt would never be paid. She had innocently accepted his offer to help her when he found her on the street; he'd put her up in one of the nicer hotels of the city, which wasn't saying much. On top of the food and clothing he bought for her, the price tag kept going up, until it was nearly astronomical. Only then did he demand payment. She balked. Of course she didn't have the money, and so her indentured servitude began.
One night she pulled the vibroblade from the sheath circling the waist of a particularly nasty-smelling client (weapons were taken at the door, but the Owner knew this client's sadistic predilections and allowed him to bring it in; it was another way of punishing her for her insolence). She intended to plunge the blade into herself to escape this nightmare of a life she'd found herself in. But in a split-second of inspiration, she sunk the blade into the client's hairy chest, watching in fascination as he gasped in pain and blood trickled from his mouth and his eyes rolled in his ugly head. When he fell to the floor, she stole the drawstring of credits he had and climbed out the window of the room, three stories up from the ground. She used the blade to make her way down the building, sinking it into the concrete and skittering down the wall like a bug.
Again using stolen credits, she found transport off-world, not caring where she ended up. She found herself in a spaceport deep in the Outer Rim, and after wandering around there for a few days, a kind family of Bith took pity on her and brought her here, to Pabu, on their private ship. There were no transport ships coming here; it seemed to be a secret place, on the edge of Wild Space. How the Bith family knew of Pabu, she never found out. She didn't speak the language, and once here, they reunited with others, possibly family or friends, and Marissa felt like an outsider.
Shep, the mayor of Pabu, was kind and made sure she had everything she needed. After her experience on Daiyu, she was distrustful at first. But he offered a room, food, clothing, without asking questions that she didn't want to answer, or a demand for payment. Everyone here was kind. Luck had finally found her, and she was in a safe place, a paradise where no one wanted to use her, hurt her, or betray her.
It should have been enough. It should have been more than enough.
But something inside her was wrong. She was broken, somehow, and she didn't know how to fix it. The placid sky gave her no comfort; the beautiful beaches no succor. Nightmares haunted her nights; emptiness carved out her days. The people here were kind, but she could make no friends. She didn't know how.
A young man named Senn had approached her once, as if sensing her unhappiness. She didn't want to talk about what had happened to her on Daiyu, but she would have welcomed his embrace. But when she tried to kiss him, he held her back.
"I like men in that way, Marissa," he'd told her gently. "But I'm more than happy to be your friend. And maybe we can talk about what's troubling you—"
"Forget it," she'd snapped, walking away from him. She would never, ever tell anyone what she'd been forced to do on Daiyu. How they would hate her, despise her, think her unclean. A murderer. But if there was one thing she'd learned on Daiyu, it was what men wanted. Well, men who wanted women, anyway.
She noticed Hunter as soon as the clones arrived on Pabu. Handsome, strong, a leader. Someone who could take care of her, protect her. And she made it her mission to have him. She did everything she could to turn his head, make him notice her, make him want her. She talked to him, flirted with him, invited herself to the insufferable dinners the clones held every evening with the mayor, Shep.
Hunter was kind, listened to her, and spoke vaguely of himself when she asked. But he held himself aloof. All he seemed to care about was his clone family, when they were clearly doing fine. Well, except the married one, the one who was good with gadgets. He tried to throw himself over the balcony that night. Something about bad memories caused by the Empire. As if he was the only one who had suffered at their hands. He had a wife, a child on the way, a family who loved him. She had nothing and no one.
The young man, Senn, was now helping Hunter's brother get better. She thought maybe Hunter would finally relax and let her in. And she was finally starting to get somewhere today. But then, his annoying little sister showed up and ruined everything. She was always showing up, claiming Hunter's attention, all because she was jealous of Marissa. And Hunter throwing her on the floor like that! As if she were an embarrassment, something to be ashamed of, as if he knew of her past, her dirty secrets.
She was dirty, stained, unclean. No wonder he didn't want her. No one ever would. She was ruined, damaged, unsalvageable. Maybe Gadget had the right idea. Maybe there was no way out of the memories.
The ocean rolled and waved toward her, crashing at her feet. The sea could cleanse her. Wash away the memories, forever.
She didn't bother taking off her shoes as she waded out into the water. It was cool at first, and then got colder the further she went. She didn't know how to swim. It wasn't something you needed to learn on Coruscant. She missed it, the endless city, the lights, the busyness, her place in it. She'd known who she was among the high rises. It was her home, where she belonged, and her father had always been there to take care of her. Until he wasn't.
She'd loved her father. How ashamed he would be of her now. The things she'd done.
Soon the water was over her head, and she sunk into its depths. Cold, dark, quiet. A tomb.
Soon, Marissa knew a peace she hadn't felt in a long time.
9.
Shep's grave voice spoke over the wind to the small circle of people who came to Marissa's funeral. There was no room on the island for a graveyard, and so the dead were burned on a pyre on the beach, and their ashes scattered to the winds that blew over the sea.
"We didn't know Marissa very well," Shep said. "Like us all, she found her way here after suffering at the hands of those who would oppress us. Who would hurt us and break our spirit. Pabu has been a haven for those who need healing. But for Marissa, the hurt was too deep. The pain too unbearable. We may not know the details of her story, but we know its outlines nonetheless: the galaxy broke her. And she sought peace in the call of the sea. We hope she has found that peace, and that she now rests in the arms of those she had lost."
Marissa's body, wrapped in a white sheet, lay on the pyre of wood, lit from below by Shep. The flames grew and enveloped her in a bright conflagration. No one spoke as they watched her body burn.
Her body had washed up on the beach; normally the riptide would have washed her out to sea, but she must have been caught in the incoming tide. Unfortunately, some children enjoying the beach had found her and had run away screaming, upsetting the usual peace and serenity of Pabu.
Hunter stood next to Shep, his face pale and drawn. Omega stood next to him, but it was Wrecker's hand she held, who stood on her other side. Tech and Phee stood some distance away, Phee holding on to Tech as if to keep him from falling. Senn hadn't been sure if Tech would come to the funeral, considering his own experience just a few days before, but clearly he wanted to be here out of respect for Hunter.
Senn himself stood not far away, feeling the heat of the burning pyre on his face. If only he could have done more. If only he could have reached her, helped her deal with her pain. He'd felt it keenly when he met her, deep and raw, rage and shame and grief braided together into a knot of exquisite loneliness.
Senn ached with a sense of responsibility, of blame. He should have tried harder, he should have worked more to break down Marissa's walls. From now on, he would do whatever he could to help those in need. He didn't want to stand here again, watching another lost one burn.
As much as he felt responsible for Marissa's death, he knew Hunter felt it even more. Just standing near him, Senn could feel the waves of shock and guilt coming off him. Hunter held himself rigid, not looking away from the flames that consumed Marissa's body, until he suddenly turned and walked away alone.
They all watched him go, and Senn knew that Hunter would never let anyone get close to him again.