Hecksing Ultimate Chronicles
Chapter 1: Heck Vs Heaven
Beginning AN:
So uh, yeah. This is a thing again.
And um, making a "second version" isn't something I want to get in the habit of doing all too much. Rewriting previous stories I disliked absolutely is, but those are moreso tweaks and/or replacements to existing files, that would keep the same overall story beats. Those I'll do for the works I dislike. The works I like, such as the original Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals and run:gifocalypse, I tend to give the "complete remake that's filed under its own story" treatment, since I think the old versions are through some means kind of presentable on their own, it's just that they have some traits I dislike and would like to try reworking them. The biggest change here? (This isn't a spoiler so much as it is a "selling" point.)
NO.
MORE.
CARL.
STEVENS.
Oh dear god I cannot emphasize this enough. That character was an extremely dated and horrible parody of the Charlie Sheen Two and a Half Men incident and while he was meant to be an annoying Gary Stu parody, I think I went overboard with him and he actively lowered the enjoyability of the fic by a damn megameter. So uh. Yeah. There may be other things, but I can't think of them at the moment. Maybe I'll edit this note to add them later.
Also a lot of the jokes in the old version were just taken from various other things which I am not proud of. This version, I guarantee, will be more original. In multiple ways.
Alucard Badguy, the proud and heroic younger brother of a spoiler character, was browsing Facebook one day. Then he got a message from his boss and master, Integra Heck herself, the leader of the Hecksing organization that owned him.
I'm calling this the Hecksing organization instead of the canon word because it's to tone things down. Less swearing and stuff. Hellsing could get kind of slightly bad sometimes after all. :(
Anyway, his message from Integra: "Vampires have somehow gotten through our barrier with Heavensing, we have one in this very country. Go over and stop him."
"Hm." Said Alucard. "That's weird but okay."
"Go there and SEARCH AND DESTROY!" Integra ordered.
Alucard grabbed his gun the Jackel and ran over to the garage of Hecksing Manor, where his tank was there nice and ready. Hecksing in general and Alucard specifically had a tank because why not. He got in, made sure he was still holding on to his gun the Jackel (this is foreshadowing), and was off.
Alucard drove off in to the night but realized that he would not make it to the setting on time! People were already dying, and if he was late at the speed he was going, they would die even more!
But thankfully, on the way, there was a broken fire hydrant. Water was shooting out of it like a geyser.
"Hmmm I could use the water pressure from that like in physics class to propell myself up and then once in the air I will fly over to the sky and I can activate my rocket boosters and shoot over to the goal I need to reach. That goal being the city under attack by the Vampires and Zombies that Integra has instructed me to reach. It is time that I live up to my name and UNLEASH HECK on the backguys, except I'd rather not live up to my family name as it carries a lot of personal issues and baggage, if anything I am going AGAINST my family name by FIGHTING against the bad guys, and this is for reasons that I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW!"
And then he heard another scream, so he pressed his foot on the gas pedal hard (like in Grand Theft Auto) and drove in to the geyser hydrant, shooting him in the air. As he just explained, Alucard activated the tank's rocket boosters and flew forward. The gimmick is once he's in the air to begin with, he can fly freely, since normally the boosters for his tank were just for speed.
Alucard landed in the village of Cheddar. He took a bite from a roof thinking it was made of cheese. It was not. Alucard had a disgusted look on his face.
"Well that was a waste of time." He said.
But then he heard a scream and remembered his mission, so he drove his tank out to the woods where the First Boss was killing cops.
"IT SURE IS FUN TO BE KILLING COPS!" Said First Boss cheerfully, shooting the police all around.
"HEY!" Alucard shouted. "STOP IT RIGHT THERE! DON'T KILL THOSE COPS!"
And then First Boss turned around and saw Alucard. "WHO IS THIS GUY... HMMMM?!" He asked.
"My name is Alucard Badguy! I have been hired and sent by Hecksing so I can kill evil vampires like you and let the good vampires live in peace, also the good humans too I guess."
"'Good vampire' is an oxymoron!" First Boss said. "Everybody knows that vampires are only evil! We ARE, in fact, THE bad guys!"
"That is just the MOVIES! This is REAL LIFE DANG IT! In real life vampires can be good I can try to prove it by being the good vampire which I already am! Not all vampires are bad!"
So then Alucard started shooting his gun, the Jackal, everywhere, and destroyed the zombies that First Boss was making with his vampire powers. Vampires can convert people to zombies, or other vampires if they bite a virgin. But he accidentally shot the last cop that was there - a blond woman.
"Oops." Said Alucard.
"OW I'M DYING NOW YOU ASS!" She shouted.
"Hey tone down on the anger I will fix you."
"I'M STILL HERE!" Said First Boss. "IN FACT THIS COP IS MY HOSTAGE! DON'T SHOOT OR I'LL TURN HER IN TO A ZOMBIE."
"Shut up." Said Alucard. Then he shot First Boss in the junk and it was a special Grenade Bullet armed with holy mercury that exploded, exploding out his thorax and leaving a hole. We then see the camera like in those sexy movie posters with between a character's legs, since he only had a bit connecting the legs to his lower stomach part of the body. This also means that Alucard blew the man's ASS. (Peach emoji.)
THUNK. Said First Boss as he fell to the ground, now dead.
"Okay now I can focus on you..." Alucard said, looking at the dying cop. "Uh, I can turn you in to a vampire if you're okay with that."
"PLEASE DO SO!"
"Oh I honestly thought you would say 'Vampire? Those things are evil' and wouldn't want to do it. But okay, you're devisive, here's the bite:"
He bit her. On the neck. And dark Shadow vampire magic went through her veins and arteries. (Just in case I don't remember which one goes to the heart and which one goes to the lungs, so my lore is that it's both. I guess because Alucard is a Higher Vampire?)
But Seras just passed out.
(Hecksing Manor)
But Seras just woke up.
"GET TO WORK!" Integra said.
"But I don't work for you?"
"You're hired. NOW YOU DON'T WANT ME TO FIRE YOU! You can't get back to the police since they think you're dead right now! I'll figure out the paperwork later and we can tell them about your transformation."
"I'm sorry, who are you?"
"That's my boss and master, Integra." Said Alucard, who emerged from a wall. Seras was nervous. "Sorry I promise she can be nice some times."
"Hey you're the guy that killed me!" Seras said to Alucard.
Alucard looked sad. "No I didn't kill you! It was First Boss! Well, okay, I shot you by accident. But First Boss had you hostage and so I had to shoot you which would have been fatal and I forgot my medical kit but thankfully I could vampirise you and-"
Alucard checked his coat. "Oh wait. I had my medical kit in here all the time. I could have just saved your life normally. Oops."
"Alucard, please," said Integra. "She needs time to have things explained to her in a casual and non-traumatic manner. Now then, for an easy explanation to all of this."
Integra went to Seras and looked her in the eye.
"You died."
"...Is this hell then?" Asked Seras.
"Close! It's Hecksing!" That joke would be a lot funnier if I had kept the name. Actually wait a minute the name was because of the rating which wasn't even something I stuck with at all? Well, I guess it's a historically accurate reference. "And this is where we have vampires go out to kill other monsters. Well, a vampire, for now it was just Alucard. And now you are added to make it the plural vampires."
Alucard shrugged. "It's usually other vampires I kill, and the zombies they make. When a vampire bites a virgin, they turn to a vampire. When a vampire bites a nonvirgin, they turn to a zombie. You weren't lying about your virginity unlike some teenagers I had to consider life or death situations with, so you're a vampire now." He then shook his head and looked sad. "Those poor, poor teenagers... all to look cool. Stay in school, kids. Which you obviously did, since you're a cop."
"Alucard, not now," said Integra, "I'm talking to the dead woman. Save your speeches for the post-episode PSAs." Which will be a thing in this fanfic I promise. "Anyway, Police Girl-"
"My name is Seras."
"Seras. Alucard will teach you about what it's like being a vampire. He has experience."
"Oh, that's good."
"He'll also teach you what it's like to kill other vampires, his main mission, and now it's your mission too that you're hired in."
"That's not so good."
"You're a fucking cop already, you should know how to kill bad people."
"Yeah but they don't have superpowers. Except the priest guy, First Boss, who killed me. So that means I can't fight people with superpowers."
"You didn't have superpowers before when you fought criminals as a cop. Now you do so it's balanced."
Seras frowned. She was out-logiced. She hated it when that happens.
"If I may interrupt." Said Walter, Integra's butler. "We just decoded who was behind First Boss and getting past the barrier of Hecksing and Heavensing."
"Who?" Integra asked.
"It's Heavensing."
"Dammit. Well, I guess that should be obvious. Unless someone has the technology to penetrate the unpenetratable barrier, the choices are Heavensing and us. And it better DAMN WELL not be us. If there was a traitor among us I'd run her over." She was glaring at Seras while saying that.
"Why did you say 'her?' and look at me like that?" Seras asked.
"Well Alucard's both too nice and too dumb to betray me. And Walter's loyal and great so I know it would never be him."
Walter snickered which is foreshadowing something spoillery.
"So anyway. Alucard, go after Heavensing. And what the Heck, Seras, congratulations, you're promoted to your first mission. That mission being to investivate Heavensing, our powerful rivals, housing the one known person who could potentially kick Alucard's ass."
"Potentially." Said Alucard.
"Is that dangerous?" Asked Seras.
"Yes. Now go. Alucard, you can just train her along the way."
"I'll try Master." Alucard said.
They went over to the Heavensing Manor. It was actually similar in appearance to Hecksing Manor. And in fact it was right next door. They were next door neighbors. The difference is that it had a gold roof with "HEAVENSING" on it in cloud graphics, instead of a blue roof with "HECKSING" with a neon sign showing hellfire (the sign showing fire was Walter's idea foreshadowing his true nature, it being neon was Alucard's idea because he likes neon). So that Hecksing looked like something out of Las Vegas while Heavensing looked like some shitty church group that might possibly do unspeakable things to children. BUT HERE WE ARE INVESTIGATING WHAT UNSPEAKABLE THINGS THEY ARE DOING WITH ADULTS.
Anyway since it was just next door Alucard and Seras did not need to take the tank, but they took it anyway because Alucard liked it and Seras wanted to ride in a tank, as despite being a police cop she had never actually ridden in a tank before. (Because budget cuts.)
Riding the tank was not pleasant.
But anyway they made it and began investigating. Alucard knocked on the front door. Answering it was Alexander Anderson.
"Hello are you finally interested in learning about the lord and savior Jesus Christ?" Anderson asked.
"I'm already Protestant though." Said Alucard.
"Yes but we're Catholic. It's a different Jesus from yours. A better Jesus."
"Um I'm atheist what do I say." Seras asked.
Alucard and Anderson both paused. And then they both laughed.
"Atheist? Noooooooo..." said Alucard laughingly. "God exists Seras. We've seen him."
"'We?'" Asked Anderson. "Well I shop at a store ran by angels. Only a few angels have seen him."
"No not the Angel of Death Walter by the way." Alucard added.
"So you think we're the ones who sent First Boss on Cheddar Forest?" Asked Anderson.
"Yes."
"Well as a Catholic, I cannot lie, like Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. So yes, we did it."
"A-HAH! Another advantage being Protestant has over Cathlociism! Of course I don't lie either, but that's because I don't like lying. But if I had to White Lie to save Hecksing, I would absolutely lie! Anyway, sending vampires out like that to kill innocent people like that is bad. May I speak to your boss?"
"Hi diddly ho Hecksing!"
"I knew it was you!" Alucard said to the Boss. Not to be confused with First Boss. "Stupid Flanders..."
Yes, who else of a religious zealot than none other than Ned Flanders?! So I made him the boss of Anderson. At least it made sense in my head all those years ago when I first did it. And it still does now!
"Anderson. I hate this guy." Said Flanders. He was pointing at Alucard and talking about him, not talking about Anderson who is a badass so why would he hate him. "After all, everyone knows that Catholic is the true Christianity, not Protestant. They have 'protest' in their name. While Catholic and Christian start with C so it's closer."
"Oh yeah?" Said Seras. "Well, Catholics... Catholics... have 'CAT' in their name! And I'm more of a dog person!"
Anderson and Alucard looked at each other and Alucard blushed.
"She really... doesn't know religion, doesn't she?" Said Anderson.
"Uh... I don't think so she's new." Said Alucard.
Anderson laughed and Alucard blushed harder.
"And I hate protestors." Ned Flanders finished. "Anderson, it's time to finally settle this rivalry. End this Period Man."
Alucard turned to Seras as Ned Flanders gently closed the door and left the three in the courtyard. "'Period Man' is a slur used against vampires before killing them, because we can use our blood in to weapons and shoot people."
"Wait you never told me I could shoot people with blood!" Seras said.
"Well I did now but yeah sorry that was late. Anyway, calling a vampire 'Period Man' or 'Period Woman' is highly offensive. It's like the N word for vampires." He then clasped his hand over his mouth, because Alucard in his eyes basically said the N word three times! He doesn't even like saying the word fuck!
"Now I'll kill you." Said Anderson. To prevent Alucard from going past him and going after his boss, he ripped pages out of a Bible and threw them at the front door, and they turned gold and formed seals! It was the final boss, Alexander Anderson!
"BRING IT ON BIBLETHUMB!" Alucard said. Note I don't know much about BibleThump just that it's Twitch and Binding of Isaac head, not sure why it's called that.
Anderson cut off Alucard's head.
"NOOOO!" Shouted Seras. "ALUCARD'S HEAD... ALUCARD'S DEAD THAT MEANS!"
"THAT'S RIGHT AND YOU'RE NEXT!"
"BUT I DID NOTHING WRONG!"
"YOU'RE A VAMPIRE!"
"BUT THAT'S RACIST!"
"Yes it is." Alucard's voice was heard! Even though he was dead! "By the way Seras, you should drink my blood, it would power me up."
"How are you talking without a head?!"
"Long story short I have extra lives. Not like mushrooms in the Mario games, but those exist too, but in real life it's different."
"Wait that voice..." said Anderson. "It sounds familiar... oh no ALUCARD, DID YOU UNGET KILLED BY ME AGAIN?! THAT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!"
Alucard's body turned in to blood and then reformed a full body, with all the wounds healed off and a new head grown. As for his old head, whatever, that was just there now, it was just ordinary Alucard-cells and-
Wait he's made of Shadow, right? I guess the head just collapsed or something.
"NO!" Said Anderson. "WE KEEP GOING THROUGH THE SAME SONG AND DANCE TIME AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU MEDDLING HECKSINGS, AND THAT STUPID INTEGRA!"
"SCOODY DOOBY DOO!" Alucard said. But then he suddenly got really angry! "Wait, did you insult Integra! I do not like that you know! Okay she is mean so I would let that slide if you said that but not STUPID, Integra is INTELLIGENT! You better take that back or I'll eat you!"
Anderson got his Bible Swords out and pointed them at Alucard's head. "I can just keep cutting off your head over and over until you run out of lives. So no, I won't take that back."
"Okay then dinner."
Alucard morphed in to a giant mouth and went over to Anderson and ate him. It kinda looked like Nibbler on Futurama. The eating, not Alucard's form.
"Okay I think we're done here." Said Alucard. And since Anderson, the one keeping up the Bible seals, was dead now, the seals disappeared and the pages fell to the ground, now containing nothing but Bible sayings.
Integra walked in. "So it looks like it's mystery well done then!" She said.
"Not well done. It was definitely rare." Alucard said to a laugh track. "As in uncooked, since cooking a human to eat would mean fire, which I didn't do. That's the joke."
"Well it's not done yet..." Integra said, side-eyeing the building. "Flanderrrrrsssss..."
"Stupid Flanders." Said Alucard.
"Is my next mission to kill him?" Asked Seras.
"No, I have always hated Flanders for hating non-Cathloics, and him being evil gives me the excuse to kill him. Integra, I will do it for free." Said Alucard.
"Good. Because I have been thinking of budget cuts and you might get a pay deduction." Said Integra.
"D'OH!" The joke is that Flanders is the bad guy here so Alucard talks like Homer. I promise he won't talk like Homer in other chapters unless things get serious (TV Tropes calls this OOC is Serious Business meaning that if Alucafrd sounds like Homer Simpson, it means shit is bad. But not now because now is just a joke. This is the lighthearted early chapter where everything is funny, things will get serious and dark in the second half. Maybe like Chapter 8 onwards, though half of thirteen is hard to do with an odd number).
Integra then stormed inside the Heavensing Mansion. (Distinct from Hecksing Manor. Huh why aren't they called manor and manand?)
"Hi Diddlo ho Integra!" Said Flanders.
"Shut the Heck up." Said Integra. "You lead the assault and the First Boss, you must die."
Flanders chuckled. "Heh heh heh, are you just jealous because I killed Alucard with Anderson?"
"Technically you did kill him but he unkilled himself and then killed Anderson. And Anderson didn't have a way to come back to life."
"Wait what? NO DIDDLY-O! MY BOYFRIEND IS DEAD! WE WERE LOVERS!" Flanders' head fell on the desk in shock. "I AM QUESTIONING IF I EVEN WANT TO LIVE ANY MORE!"
"I can answer that question for you." Integra said. Integra shot him in the head and killed him. Heavensing was no more now that all three of its members were dead. (First Boss was a full member.)
(Back at the Manor)
"Okay so that mission was a success." Said Integra. "We finally ridded those Catholic Fucks and the vampire priest is dead. With this it looks like our adventure is over, everything is concluded nicely and neatly and this is the last chapter."
"BUT THE BARRIER IS GONE!" Said Alucard.
"Yes, this was a horrid loss. But the truce needed to be off if they were attacking innocents. From now on, we'll need to be cautious and specific about any potential outside threats, since London is now vulnerable. In fact, we should prepare. We might get vampires at our doorstep at any possible second..."
("Any" Possible Second- EVERY Second is "Any" Second so No Matter What Integra Will be Right. Gah I Hate Debate Bros Because They Always Say Shit Like That)
Meanwhile, in a mysterious canyon base. Shadowy figures were sitting around ominously. They were shadows not just to hide their identity but because they were actually holograms, using a jutsu to appear as holograms and talk to each other.
"The barrier is finally done... yes... I have not liked London very much, and now we can have that be our invasion." Said the leader of the shadowy figures. You know he is the Leader because he talked first, this is not a spoiler. "So we can fight them! And MOST OF ALL those stupid Hecksings! And their leader, the REALLY stupid Integra!"
Alucard wasn't around so he could insult her all he wanted. What a dick!
"LET ME KILL THEM!" Shouted a shadow with a scythe. "I'LL ERADDICATE THEM ALL AND CRUSH THEM LIKE THE BUG SCUM THEY ARE! No offense to bugs though I think they're cool."
"SEND ME." Said one that had a lot of clothes and heavy outfit, with a hat too. "I'M A GOOD FIGHTING."
"NOOOOO!" Shouted the Leader. "We must be TACT and STRATEGY! They have Alucard who I don't really know besides fighting in the past once. But also they have a new vampire. Now this new vampire is a woman but don't be fooled by this fact she may be more powerful than Alucard even, because women can also be strong and terrifying vampires I'm not sexist I just like killing and bloodshed but equal killing and bloodshed."
"For the last time Major, kissing up to me will not make me want to sleep to with you." Said a shadow hollogram that had a nice body and long hair. I'd also say glasses but like half the people in this fucking show have glasses. Hers gave a blue reflection though, while the Leader's was yellow I think.
"But I actually do really believe it... :( Anyway, Zorin, Captain, Jew are both way too far and further and better for our defense and last line, I don't want Jew to be sent out and it turns out Alucard has two tanks or something instead of one from last time and runs Jew both over. However, Jew two are perfect canon fodder." He pointed to the bishonen shadow and the shadow that had piercings a hat and looked like he wanted to kill something more than anybody else in the room which is saying a lot. "Brothers, go."
"Fuck." Said the not-bishie shadow. Sorry the F-bomb had to be his first word it just had to. "I don't want to get off my ass but okay. Killing Hecksings sounds fucking fun anyway."
"Luke, with Jew're superpower Jew can easily escape." the Leader explained his strategic manuver. "While Jan, I just don't really like Jew. Please go over there and get killed."
"Excuse me..." said a... very familiar looking shadow. "As Hecksing's secret spy trader, I'd like to give you some information. The vampire is named Seras-"
"Woah spoilers don't give everything away." Said the Leader. "In fact, Jew're all dismissed. Doctor and I need to touch up... the Ultimate Weapon."
"IS THIS ULUMATE WEAPON IT ME?!" Asked the one with the lot of heavy clothes.
"No."
Then the Leader shadow and the shadow of someone in labcoat and six-fold glasses (why does he need that many is he a spider LOL?) left... as did the brothers shadow... but then the LEADER'S leader's shadow showed up!
"hooy i'm coming ovver in a wweek and i wwant my bro al dead. you betta fuckin kill him it wwas your purpose in livves, or i'll fire all of you. dipshits."
And everyone was nervous at that because he was a scary guy! The chapter ended with him glaring right at the screen!
Closing AN:
Yeah, HUC's back. Again this was another "bet to myself" punishment for if I failed something (I think it was a Binding of Isaac run. I could dig it up later to be certain), and since that "failure" was close enough to the twelfth anniversary of the original, I decided "Hey, why not publish it then," especially since I was nearly done anyway. Originally I would have just kept this completed chapter, moved on to Chapter 2, and then worked on those a bit until the first four chapters were done, then published them either all at once or one every three days for tradition. But now... I don't have Chapters 2 onward done at all, I'll definitely start Chapter 2 tomorrow, but time will tell if I'll be done by the 16th and thus could have "Season 1" match up with its original postings or not. Time will also tell how the future chapters will be handled.
Anyway, I had been working a lot on this mega project thing currently called Biome Artists, recently bouncing around the first four chapters from whatever I saw fit, but another little "failed bet thing" was that I did not get to work on the fifth chapter (and end of the first arc; I plan to publish all five of these chapters at once as a big "beginning post" when they're done, over on Fictionpress and Archive of Our Own) until I publish something else. Well, this is the first publish since I made that bet, so... later on tonight, I'll happily get to the fifth chapter of that too, and I'll probably zoom through that chapter since it's the climactic first arc-finale and is meant to have this sense of "Okay, this is the start of the real story." So I'm pretty excited.
Sorry in advance in the low off chance that someone liked the Total Drama jokes and references of the old version, I've been trying to distance myself from the series in general for the longest time for multiple reasons. This includes the "Noah's from a different anime" gag, a joke that basically bookended the entire original version, though in large part that's because that was one of the "jokes I took from elsewhere" things, in this case being from The Simpsons Dinner.
Nothing else comes to mind right now except that I obviously don't own Hellsing whatsoever.