The sweet smell of the lotus pond wafted in from outside, stronger now after the storm had passed. Puddles of water sat under his windows. Jin Ling kicked himself for not thinking to close them before falling asleep.

Overall, he felt a lot better now than he had, even as he lay there on the rug, trying hard not to recall the details of yesterday's battle. There was only a very dull ache where his bones were broken before. The worst pain was actually in his shoulder from napping on the floor.

Jin Ling sat up, suddenly remembering why he was on the ground in the first place. He swiveled around to look up at his bed. Sizhui was already gone.

Heat crept up his neck as he thought about Sizhui waking up to find him lying at the foot of the bed like some drunkard passed out at a tavern. He would probably get laughed at today. As long as it was just about that, though, Jin Ling supposed he could survive it.

Jingyi couldn't possibly have told anyone about what they'd done. Sure, it was Jin Ling who had initiated it, but Jingyi was the one who had dared him to do it, right? There was no other way to interpret his 'I bet you won't', was there?

What would Jiang Cheng do if he found out?

Jin Ling shuddered to think. He'd made it clear that he didn't approve of Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-jun. How furious would he be to hear that Jin Ling had followed in the footsteps of the Yiling Patriarch?

"Why did I do that?!" Jin Ling hissed at himself.

His stomach churned. He was acutely aware of the spot on his bed where he'd leaned over Jingyi.

Was he a cut sleeve? Was Jingyi?

No, it was just a stupid drunken dare, wasn't it? He'd always considered Sizhui and Jingyi to be no more than friends. He'd never given either of them more thought than that, had he?

He needed to get out of his room.

"Watch it!"

He'd flung open the door and headed out into the corridor without paying attention to where he was going. Jingyi rubbed his shoulder where Jin Ling had connected with it.

Immediately, the two of them sprang away from each other.

"What are you doing here?" Jin Ling demanded angrily.

"I was coming to look for Sizhui!" Jingyi snapped back. "It wasn't like I was here for you!"

Jingyi was clothed in his usual Lan robes – freshly laundered. He fiddled with the cuff of his sleeve.

He remembered what had happened. Jin Ling knew he did.

"He's not here," Jin Ling said with a frown. "He didn't go back to you?"

"Obviously not! Why else would I be here?!"

Jingyi averted his eyes, turning red. Jin Ling felt a little hot himself.

"I'll help you look for him."

"No!" Jingyi said hurriedly. "I can find him alone!"

They couldn't carry on like this. Perhaps it would be best if Jin Ling pretended… just a little bit.

"Why are you being weird?" Jin Ling asked, trying his hardest to act normally. He smirked. "Did you do something embarrassing when we were drinking?"

Jingyi's eyes widened… then narrowed. "You… don't remember? Anything?"

Jin Ling folded his arms. "I remember that Sizhui was a weakling," he said. "It's not like I forgot everything. I remember you singing too and some of our dares-" Jingyi looked away again, "-but it's all hazy. And if you're acting this weird, something else must have happened… unless you're embarrassed about your singing?"

At first, Jingyi didn't look convinced. Jin Ling's toes curled in his boots as he waited to be called out on his lie.

But he never was. Eventually, Jingyi brightened.

"Yes," he said quickly. "It's the singing. I didn't want you to hear me, but you and Sizhui pressured me into it!"

Jin Ling rolled his eyes. "Well I told you that you did a good job, so get over it," he said. "Let's look for Sizhui."

"All right!"

It was a temporary fix – a precarious one – but for now, Jin Ling had his friend back and that was what mattered to him.

They walked together through the corridors. Jingyi's steps were light and bouncy, like a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Jin Ling was happy for him… and envious. He was feeling worse and worse by the second.

They found Sizhui sitting out in the main garden, under the pavilion where Luo Qingyang and her family often relaxed when they had spare time. He, too, was dressed in his Lan uniform again, and was looking quite distressed as he stared out over the ocean of sparks-amidst-snow peonies lit by the sunset.

"We've looked everywhere for you!" Jingyi exclaimed.

As was typical of him, he was exaggerating. He and Jin Ling had searched maybe three other rooms before electing to go outside. He may have looked by himself for a long time prior to that, but Jin Ling doubted it. Jingyi would have run the risk of getting lost.

"Sorry," Sizhui said without looking at them. "I was here."

"What are you doing here?" Jingyi asked, rapping his knuckles softly against the top of Sizhui's head.

Sizhui made the face he often did when he was irritated but was trying to be the better person. He remained as relaxed as possible, but there was a tightness around his mouth that betrayed him, and he kept taking deep calming breaths.

This reaction of his was one that annoyed Jin Ling when it was directed at him because it always seemed like Sizhui thought he was too childish to warrant a reaction. But since this was directed at Jingyi, he cracked a smile. Jingyi really was too childish to be taken seriously.

"Thinking," Sizhui said shortly.

"Thinking about whaaaat?" Jingyi asked, putting his face between his friend and the view of the peonies so that he had no choice but to look at him.

Jin Ling shook his head. How was it possible that he'd befriended someone so annoying?

Sizhui huffed a sigh. "Yesterday and this afternoon," he said.

Jin Ling's stomach flipped. Jingyi turned pink.

"Care to elaborate?" Jin Ling asked crossly.

Sizhui glanced at him. "I'd really rather not relive yesterday, if that's all right with you."

Yesterday… only yesterday they'd fought in the Battle of Jinlintai. Only yesterday they'd killed people… actual living people. It was surreal.

And yet, Jin Ling was fretting about a silly dare? What was wrong with him?

The awful feeling in his gut intensified.

"The afternoon then," Jingyi said nervously. "What was so bad about that?"

Sizhui knit his brow. They leaned closer to him in anticipation of his answer.

"I… drank…"

That was it?

Jin Ling wanted to laugh with relief, but Sizhui looked so genuinely upset that he stifled it instead. Jingyi exhaled loudly.

"It really is okay," Jingyi said, clapping Sizhui on the back. "Like we told you earlier, even Hanguang-jun has done it."

"That doesn't make it right."

"Oh, so you think Hanguang-jun should have been punished for it?" Jingyi asked.

"Well, no but-"

Jingyi clapped him on the back again. "Glad we cleared that up!"

Sizhui frowned at him. He then shook his head and went back to staring off in the distance.

"Sizhui," Jin Ling said, crouching down next to him, "we promised that we wouldn't tell anyone. Hanguang-jun, Zewu-jun, Wei Wuxian – none of them will ever know. Don't blow this out of proportion."

Sizhui looked between the two of them. "Do you swear it? Not to tell?"

"We do," they said in unison.

Sizhui gazed at them both for a few moments more. How was it possible for his eyes to be so dark and calming when he himself was so upset?

Jin Ling's heart skipped a beat.

Oh no. No, no.

Suddenly, Jin Ling wanted nothing more than to be far away from both of them.

"Thank you," Sizhui said weakly.

He gave Jin Ling an appreciative smile. Jin Ling stood abruptly.

"No need to thank us," he huffed. "We'd already promised you. This was just a reminder since your memory is so bad."

"Well thank you anyway."

"Don't worry about it," Jingyi said, offering his hand to Sizhui. "That's what friends are for."

Sizhui accepted his help and got to his feet. They all returned inside. The two Lans started chatting away about what would come next and how excited and nervous they were to meet up again with the Xue Yang hunting party.

They tried to include Jin Ling in their conversation, but he was locked in his own world. He pretended to listen and would throw in a 'mhm' every once in a while, but his mind was still racing with thoughts of the afternoon. He could barely hear them.

"Jin Ling?"

His eyes refocused to find both Jingyi and Sizhui looking at him.

"What?" he asked, a little more sharply than he'd intended.

"Advisor Luo has been trying to get your attention," Sizhui said.

Jingyi jabbed his thumb back over his shoulder. Behind him, Luo Qingyang stood with folded arms and a stern expression.

"You want us to stay with you?" Jingyi asked, shifting his gaze back and forth between Luo Qingyang and Jin Ling. "She looks angry."

"That's just her face," Jin Ling said. "You two can go. I'll catch up with you later."

"Okay, see you at dinner," Jingyi said.

"Take care," Sizhui added.

They turned around and went back to their conversation. It wasn't long before their voices had been swallowed by the din of the tower staff, finishing up their tasks for the day.

"How are you?" Luo Qingyang asked as soon as they were alone in the crowd. "Yesterday can't have been easy for you."

Why did everyone have to keep bringing up what happened yesterday? Couldn't they just stop reminding him of that mess? Was that so hard?

"It's fine," Jin Ling said. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

Luo Qingyang watched him closely. "Sorry, Sect Leader," she said, "but it's my job to worry about you."

He rolled his eyes. She surprisingly didn't tell him off for his rudeness.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Luo Qingyang pressed.

The silver seal of the Nie Clan caught his attention then. Jin Ling was thankful to have noticed the letter in her hand so he could change the subject.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine," he said impatiently. "What is that?"

Luo Qingyang looked where he had pointed. "It's a letter from Nie Huaisang," she said, seeming disgruntled. "It was delivered by bird, but I still don't know how it got here so quickly."

"What does the letter say?"

She gave him a look that told him she wasn't done pestering him about his well-being.

Then she said, "He captured one of the people responsible for the attack on Jinlintai."

Jin Ling raised his eyebrows. He hadn't realized that Nie Huaisang had sent people to Lanling.

"He says that someone called Xue Yang is suspected to have had a hand in this," Luo Qingyang went on, "and he's already passed that information on to Wei Wuxian. He also said that the person he captured told him that there's a gang who has been donning Jin uniforms to over-tax and harass the smaller clans in Lanling."

"So that's why everyone was complaining about the defense tax even though I'd lowered the amount that… was in place before."

He had caught himself before saying Jin Guangyao's name. Luo Qingyang seemed to notice, but she didn't say anything.

"I was going to collect a group of people to hunt down the rest of this gang," she said. "I don't know if you-"

"I'll stay to help."

Luo Qingyang knit her brow. The corners of her mouth turned downward slightly.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I would handle it myself, but I'm not sure this is a situation that should be handled by me."

"It's my problem. I'll fix it," said Jin Ling resolutely.

She put a hand on his shoulder. "I'll still be here to help you. We might be able to convince your friends to come along too. You don't have to go it alone."

"Thank you," Jin Ling mumbled. "I think Jingyi and Sizhui will be wanting to return to Hanguang-jun and the others."

"Why? Why wouldn't they want to stay here with you?"

Certain reasons sprang to mind. Jingyi's slightly parted lips… Jin Ling's fingers tangled in his hair…

"We were all working on hunting down Xue Yang before any of this happened," Jin Ling said tersely. "He's been causing a lot of other problems too. I think they'd rather focus their energy on the root than the branches."

"They didn't know this had anything to do with Xue Yang before," Luo Qingyang argued. "They came along probably under the assumption that this would be a completely different problem. I think they're more likely to want to stay with you, don't you think?"

Jin Ling picked at the front of his uniform, uncomfortably aware that it was still damp with rainwater and crusted with blood from yesterday.

"Maybe," he mumbled. "I guess it's up to them."

Luo Qingyang's demeanor shifted. She was like a hound that had just picked up the scent.

"Jin Ling, what's wrong?" she said.

"Nothing," Jin Ling said shortly. "I already told you I'm fine. Stop trying to make me relive yesterday."

"Look at me, Jin Ling."

He didn't have to do a damned thing she said. He knew that.

And yet, her tone had taken on that parental quality that Jiang Cheng's did. It was much harder to ignore her demands.

Sure enough, he did as she asked and locked eyes with her.

"You're troubled," she said, studying him closely. "I'm your advisor, you know. Talk to me?"

He was taken aback that she'd posed it as a question. She wasn't ordering him to answer. She only wanted to help if he would let her.

Jin Ling appreciated it. And he thought seriously about her offer for a time.

After all, if anyone could understand the problem, wouldn't it be her? Wei Wuxian would be safe in theory, but Jin Ling couldn't trust him not to make fun or run around telling everyone who would listen.

"I… don't know if I can," Jin Ling said slowly. "I haven't even thought it through myself yet."

"Perfect!" Luo Qingyang said. "That means you haven't jumped to any conclusions. It'll be easier for me to advise you."

He found it both frustrating and endearing that she was trying so hard to convince him to talk to her.

He considered it again.

"You don't have to if you-" she started to say.

"If I talk to you about this," Jin Ling interrupted, "you can tell no one. Do you understand?"

Luo Qingyang levelled a deadpan look at him. "I had already figured as much."

"Okay, um…"

There were so many people around. None of them were paying them much attention, but that didn't mean they couldn't overhear something.

Jin Ling shifted his weight from one foot to the other and back again.

"Okay, come with me," Luo Qingyang said suddenly.

She took his hand and led him off down a side corridor. She didn't explain where they were going, but Jin Ling was able to figure it out before they got there.

Luo Qingyang pushed open the door to her personal quarters and motioned him inside. He looked around at all the flowers as she closed the door behind them.

"Qingqi and Mianmian are out catching fireflies until dinnertime," she said, turning back to face him. "We still have some time before I'll need to meet with the counsel to confirm the plan. Now talk to me."

"I'll come with you to the meeting."

"Great," Luo Qingyang said shortly. "Waste of time to say that right now. Talk to me if you're going to."

Jin Ling started dancing around in place again. He didn't want to tell her, but his secret was eating him up inside already and not even a day had passed. He had to tell someone. And she was the safest person. He knew she was.

"It's about the Lan juniors…"

"Yes, yes," she said impatiently. "I had already figured that much."

Jin Ling frowned but didn't bother asking her how she'd known that.

"It's Jingyi, actually…" he said.

"I don't know their names well, but all right."

Jin Ling sighed. "He's the shorter one. His hair is shorter too. And he's-"

"Ah, he's the loud one, yes?" Luo Qingyang said knowingly.

Jin Ling smirked. "Yeah."

"So what about him?"

He danced in place a little more. "This afternoon… after we ran into you in the hallway…"

"Yes?"

"We stole some liquor from the kitchen and…"

Luo Qingyang made a face. "The liquor in the kitchen is your liquor. Odd phrasing. Go on."

"We got into a game of daring…"

A smile began to pull at the corners of her lips. It made Jin Ling simultaneously more and less self-conscious. She probably already knew what it was that he was going to say, which meant at this point, all he needed to do was say it. But he also didn't know if he could bear it if she laughed.

"When we were wrapping up the game and getting ready to sleep off the wine, I sort of tripped over him and he… well he… he dared me to…"

"Kiss him?" Luo Qingyang finished for him.

Jin Ling nodded. "At least, I think that's what he wanted… what he dared me to do. He didn't exactly say those words. Maybe that's not what he-"

"And did you?"

"What?" Jin Ling said, a little thrown off by her interruption.

Luo Qingyang was definitely smiling now. "Did you kiss him like he asked you to?"

"Well he dared me, so…"

Luo Qingyang shook her head, grinning. "I always thought it was going to be the other boy!" she cried.

Jin Ling's blood turned cold. "What?"

She frowned at him, seeming confused by his horror. "Well you seemed to always be looking at that one. What was his name? Lan Sizhui?"

"Oh no."

"No, that's not a problem!" she insisted. "You can look at whoever you want. But this boy – this Lan Jingyi – he's the one you like?"

Jin Ling sank to the floor and covered his face with his hands. Panic swelled in his chest.

"Oh no," Luo Qingyang whispered, sinking down next to him. "I've said something wrong, haven't I?"

"Is it so obvious to everyone?" Jin Ling asked, voice muffled behind his fingers. "I'm so dead."

Luo Qingyang let out a relieved laugh. "No, silly boy," she said. "This sort of thing isn't obvious to others. You might say that I have a certain intuitive knack for it!"

"It was just a dare, though," Jin Ling insisted. "We were drunk. It didn't mean anything."

He knew it wasn't true as soon as he'd said it. The words sounded hollow in the air.

Luo Qingyang was quiet for a moment. Then she said, "Perhaps. But if it didn't mean anything to you, what are you doing on my floor?"

He groaned. "I can't be a cut sleeve. I just can't," he said. "How did your family react when you married Yu Qingqi? Were they upset that you would never produce an heir? Did they try to talk you out of it?"

"Are you mocking me, Jin Ling?"

Jin Ling's head snapped up. "What?! No!"

"I'm the daughter of a servant," she said. "You know this. I have no title, no dynasty for a child to inherit. Was my family sad that I would likely never have a son? Yes, for a little while. But they moved on from that."

"Right."

She leaned closer to him then and spoke quietly. "You are expected to produce an heir, but there are other avenues for you if you don't."

"What? What other avenues?"

"Goodness boy!" she cried. "We aren't so far removed from your uncle's reign and already you've forgotten him? He wasn't destined to be an heir. He was named as one."

His heart twinged at the implication that he'd forgotten Jin Guangyao.

"He was still a son of Jin Guangshan…" he said.

"Yes, but he wasn't a legitimate son. And there have been instances whereby clans of the past have needed to choose an heir that wasn't of the family. It isn't unheard of. There's no reason that you couldn't choose someone on your own as well – blood relative or not. "

Jin Ling pulled his knees up to his chest.

"Is this something that is incredibly important to your family, though?" Luo Qingyang asked.

"I think so…"

Immediately, she narrowed her eyes. "Is it Sect Leader Jiang?" she asked hotly. "Does he have you in an arranged marriage? Why are you thinking about children anyway? Is he pressuring you?"

"No, nothing like that," Jin Ling assured her. "I just thought he would want me to. And he definitely wouldn't want me to end up like Wei Wuxian. You should have heard some of the things he said about him and Hanguang-jun."

Jin Ling conveniently left out the fact that he, too, had uttered his fair share of nasty comments about them. As Luo Qingyang grew livid, it only solidified his decision not to mention it.

"Forgive me for what I'm about to say," she growled, "but your uncle can't hold a candle to either of those two. He has no right to-"

"That's not the point, though, is it?" Jin Ling said.

Her anger dropped away, replaced by a deep sadness.

"The point is that you love your family," she said, "and you want to make them proud, yes?"

Jin Ling could only nod. His throat had constricted too much to answer.

Before he knew what was happening, Luo Qingyang had wrapped her arms around him. He tried to wiggle away from her, but she held tight.

Eventually, he gave up, realizing that he actually kind of liked the warmth of being held by her.

"You may have to choose between the things you want," Luo Qingyang whispered in his ear.

Those simple words, confirming what he already knew, hurt like a knife through his heart. He knew she couldn't work miracles. She couldn't make everything right just because he'd asked it of her. But part of him had hoped she would have a solution that would hurt less.

His vision swam.

"And I think you've already made your decision," she said gently.

He nodded against her shoulder.

"For now, I think it's the right one. But if I may advise you…?"

He nodded again.

"While you remain somewhat under the protection and guidance of Sect Leader Jiang," she said, "I agree with your decision to prioritize your own safety. But once you have fully attained your independence, you must consider your own happiness as an element of your safety."

"What do you mean?"

She held him out at arm's length to look at him.

"Unhappy people can live tragically short lives," she said solemnly. "I've seen it happen and I don't want to see it happen to you. I don't mean to say that you have a clear cut path ahead of you. The decisions you have yet to make won't be easy ones. But I need you to consider more than your loyalty to blood."

More than his loyalty to blood? What more was there than that? And it wasn't just loyalty that bound him to Jiang Cheng. It was the fondness between them (even when they yelled at one another). It was a lifetime of memories, some good and some not so good.

Would Jiang Cheng even be able to look at him if he knew?

"I can't disappoint him," Jin Ling breathed.

"Then don't," Luo Qingyang said resolutely. "I can't tell you what to do. I can't even tell you which path is the right one. Who knows? Maybe you'll find a nice girl and fall in love and all of this will be an embarrassing memory. After all, not everyone is interested in only men or only women. I'll pray for a nice girl to find you."

For some reason, her words only made him feel worse.

"Thank you," he mumbled, staring at his feet.

"None of this will ever leave this room," she said as she stood. "This is your story to share or not share as you deem fit."

"Thank you."

She held out her hand to him and he took it.

"Let's go to that damned council meeting," she grumbled as she pulled him up to stand beside her. Luo Qingyang then added in a teasing voice, "And by the way, I still think you and the other boy would have made a better pair."

Jin Ling rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless.

The two of them returned to the topic of the gang as they headed to the meeting. Luo Qingyang made him change into fresh clothes before going in. He was thankful for that. He'd quite forgotten he still looked a mess.

Jin Ling was greeted excitedly by his advisors. Surprisingly enough, they all seemed ecstatic to have him back even though many had been resistant to his early claim of leadership.

Luo Qingyang whispered her suspicions to him when the councilors got distracted and began to bicker amongst themselves.

"Either they dislike having me as their leader," she said. "Or they feel that you proved yourself worthy at the Battle of Jinlintai."

"Is that what we're calling it now?" Jin Ling whispered back.

Luo Qingyang merely shrugged as the councilors settled down once more.

Jin Ling wouldn't tell her, but he most strongly suspected her first suggestion. The councilors spoke over her, ignored her input, and reveled in telling her when she was wrong.

By the end of the meeting, Jin Ling was kicking himself for having left her alone with them. Was this what she'd been dealing with the whole time? How had he never noticed it before? It was no wonder she'd locked all of them out before the Battle of Jinlintai. Jin Ling had half a mind to do it again.

He didn't say anything to her about it, though. He had no idea what to say.

They went to dinner together afterward, collecting Yu Qingqi, Mianmian, Sizhui, and Jingyi along the way. There, they met up with Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng who were both wearing their respective clan uniforms again.

Jiang Cheng asked about what measures were being taken to track down the instigators. Jin Ling told him that he was going to stay behind for a while to take care of it and that the rest of them should regroup with Wei Wuxian and the others.

Jiang Cheng seemed apprehensive about leaving him but didn't argue. He simply stated that if Jin Ling hadn't at least checked in with them in two days' time, that he would come back for him. He also reminded him to call for him if the mission turned out to be more than expected.

Jin Ling reluctantly agreed to his terms. It was the only way that Jiang Cheng was going to allow him to handle his affairs on his own.

Sizhui and Jingyi, on the other hand, outright refused to regroup with the others.

"We're staying with you," Sizhui said firmly.

Jingyi nodded with enthusiasm. "Plus, if we go with you, the others won't have to worry as much!"

Jin Ling noticed the eyeroll from his uncle. Under the table, Luo Qingyang nudged his knee with hers and gave him a soft, knowing smile. He scowled at her. If she kept acting like this, it wouldn't be long before people started to catch on.

"You two should go with Zewu-jun," Jin Ling said to the Lan juniors. "The rest of this is my business."

"But-"

"Jingyi, stop," Sizhui interrupted. "If Jin Ling wants to handle this alone, he should be allowed to do so. But," he locked eyes with Jin Ling, his face set with determination, "he should know that we don't offer to come out of any sense of obligation. We want to come with you."

Jin Ling didn't know who looked more pleased: Lan Xichen or Luo Qingyang.

He wasn't pleased, though. Not in the slightest.

He'd already made the decision not to explore anything more with Jingyi, but those two were just going to follow him everywhere. Would that somehow be suspicious? Were Sizhui and Jingyi acting more attached to him than usual?

Jin Ling shook his head to clear it.

No, it wasn't strange for his friends to want to help him. He was being paranoid.

"If you two really want to come, I won't stop you," Jin Ling said in resignation.

Luo Qingyang's eyebrows shot up. Jiang Cheng tapped the tabletop in annoyance.

However, no one questioned his decision outright.

"We'll be there!" the Lan juniors said in unison.

Thus, it was decided. Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng were to return to the other group at dawn. Jin Ling, Sizhui, and Jingyi would head out to track down the gang with the information provided by Nie Huaisang. They were to be accompanied by Luo Qingyang, her wife, and a small company of Jin disciples.

Though it was anticipated to be a swift and easy mission, Jin Ling was nervous. He spent the evening petting Fairy and staring into space.

As he sank deeper and deeper into his own thoughts, he started to think about how many more people they had yet to kill. He still sometimes thought he felt slick blood on his arms.

He groaned and flopped backward onto his bed. Fairy licked his cheek.

"At least I know one thing for certain," Jin Ling said, grabbing his dog's face to stop her from continuing to give kisses. "You'll be staying here. I can't let anything happen to you."

Fairy stared back at him with big brown eyes, as if to say 'I'm supposed to be your guardian. Why won't you let me protect you?'

"Everyone is running to my rescue nowadays," Jin Ling murmured. "You're staying here and that's final."

Fairy didn't give up. Her doleful gaze remained locked on Jin Ling.

But Jin Ling also wasn't going to give up.

Maybe he couldn't control any other aspect of his life, but he could control his dog. And he fully intended to use that power to keep her safe – something that he couldn't seem to do for himself.