Chapter 7 - Anakin
Author's Note: This is the final chapter! I hope y'all enjoy, and many thanks to everyone who was a part of this journey! :D I always cherish hearing your thoughts. ^-^
~ Amina Gila
Vader never knew he could feel this... whole again. Feeling empty and alone was a ceaseless part of his life, until... Only days ago. And suddenly, everyone in his once family who are still alive are back here again. He hasn't felt this much not like Vader since the start.
He's not who he was as Anakin, but especially now that his body is the way it used to be – he thought that could never happen again, that he'd be trapped in ceaseless agony forever but now, even if his limbs will be forever metal, he... he can feel again. It doesn't hurt like before – he feels more like Anakin than he has in a long time.
Even if it doesn't change what he's done. But it didn't change what Abeloth did either, and giving her a chance to be better felt strangely freeing.
Besides, she'd already died once gruesomely for what she did before, though she still brought herself back. And now, she... hasn't done that much.
And he... slept. He doesn't remember the last time he was able to do that. Though he was almost surprised he was even able to fall asleep with Obi-Wan so close. He must have been far more exhausted than realized.
"We need to figure out what we're gonna do now," Ahsoka says, once they pull apart, "Unless you'd like to eat first."
Eat.
Right.
That... he hasn't done so in years, even if he sometimes craved it unimaginably. The thought that he could do that now, that he could do everything he once did, is nearly enough to make him cry. It's – he can't believe he's free of that.
It's still his destiny to balance the Force, Qui-Gon had said. Seeing him again, knowing that he was still there after everything – despite everything he's done – was... oddly relieving. Once, Anakin had always reached for Qui-Gon when reaching into the Force. He sensed him, but never realized why, that he could still appear in a tangible form. After becoming Vader, he... hadn't been able to feel anything but darkness. (Couldn't well reach for Qui-Gon when he destroyed what the Jedi Master had brought him to be in the first place.) But he's still there and that helps.
"We can eat later," Vader – Anakin? – settles for finally when he hears Mill and Obi-Wan approaching. He... would rather have a private moment to eat alone, anyway, when he's hardly sure how his body will react to it after so long.
"You... look better," Obi-Wan notes, crossing his arms.
Something tightens inside of him, at the sound of the voice. And the words, given it's because of him that Vader needed this much healing in the first place.
Obi-Wan apologized several times, though, and he has no idea what to think of that. His former master never does that. He just doesn't. Unless he truly believed he was wrong in what he did, and that...
Vader only nods in response, unsure what to say.
For a moment, everyone just looks at each other. He doesn't think any of them know where to start. They were talking because of the mission. That doesn't mean they know how to talk to each other anymore.
If they ever did.
"What are you intending to do now?" Obi-Wan asks finally, eyeing him.
Vader tries to keep himself from tensing – in some ways, having a mask was easier. He could feel... freer. No one could see his face. The hood doesn't conceal him nearly as well. And the answer to the question is complicated, as is. Because he has no idea.
"You can come with us," Ahsoka offers.
That – he wishes he could. But realistically... He doesn't know. He can't just walk away from Sidious. He can't, no matter how much he wants to. And the Empire... He won't abandon it. But he also can't let Sidious get ahold of his children no matter what, and he'll do anything for them. And he will be having words with his master for what he ordered done to Ahsoka. There is no justification for that.
"We can... destroy my master," Vader answers, slowly, "And rule the Empire in his stead."
"Rule the Empire?" Mill squeaks, taken by surprise.
"Yes. It is a stability the galaxy needs, regardless of how it... came to be." Because he knows Obi-Wan and Ahsoka will have ceaseless objections about this.
They exchange a glance.
"We're not supporting an Empire, Anakin," Ahsoka argues, firmly. "It's caused nothing but destruction."
"Because of Sidious. He is... failing what he promised," Vader replies, "We can make it better."
"And what?" Obi-Wan demands, no more impressed, "You're going to become an Emperor now?"
That tone always grates on him, remembering how small and worthless it always did and still does make him feel, but withholds the instinctive urge to snap back at him. "I presumed you. Or Ahsoka. I would serve you and the Empire as I did under my master."
Why are they just staring at him like that?
"You're asking me to become Emperor?" Obi-Wan asks, incredulously.
He crosses his arms. "If you desire. It is for the galaxy, what you – believed in. Unless Ahsoka would..."
"I... don't think either of us are qualified for that," she objects, a bit blown away. There's no question of that, but there's few people he would actually trust with that kind of role, especially after Sidious' failed promises. "Why are you so against it being restored to the Republic?"
"The Republic was ineffective. It lacked the strength to do what needed to be done. There were so many it did not help." He falters for a moment. "I know the... Empire did not do what it was meant to, but Sidious promised it would be different, once the galaxy was stabilized."
"And you actually believed he would care?" Obi-Wan asks.
"I had no reason not to."
"Aside from that he started the war and senselessly slaughtered the Jedi?"
Why, why does everything with them have to be like this? Why can his master never listen? Even if he can understand it if Obi-Wan... never forgives him for what he did. (He shouldn't.) "You did not know with certainty that he started the war," Vader retorts, "That was mere speculation. He was all that held the Republic together for years."
Obi-Wan scoffs. "That –"
"Do we need to argue about this?" Mill interjects, though she looks like she wishes she was anywhere else, "It... it doesn't help. It's making you both more upset."
Vader breathes out in an effort to calm himself, mildly distracted for a moment at being able to control his breathing again. It was always the respirator that did that for years. It feels like he needs to keep remembering to breathe, in the first place.
Not that his former master's presence right here, knowing they could end up fighting again, is making that much easier.
"The Republic and Jedi always did what they could to help," Obi-Wan argues finally, maybe a touch less antagonistically.
"And yet, it was never enough," he retorts.
"I'm sure there's some Senator we could put in charge of the transition," Ahsoka cuts in, "But first, we need to think about how we're going to get to Sidious in the first place."
Fear tightens inside of him, remembering the lightning crackling across his charred skin when he'd tried to kill him right after Mustafar. "I... attempted to defeat him once, but I... failed," he forces himself to say, "He will be prepared for it again. He is... powerful. We will have to be ready."
"I don't suppose Abeloth would want to put her power to good use for once," Ahsoka huffs.
Vader's gaze snaps to her. He never thought about that before. It's an option, but...
"Taking her off-world for any reason is highly inadvisable," Obi-Wan interjects.
"You defeated Abeloth, and she's more powerful, right?" Mill points out, "We can do it together."
"You will... stay?" Vader asks, mildly surprised, eyeing her.
"I don't have anywhere else to go. I – where I was before was just a job. I want to help you."
He doesn't know how to feel about that. Nor does he understand why she does, but maybe... "Very well."
"There's still the issue of the Jedi's... status," Obi-Wan adds, fixing him with a look.
"They – the galaxy still sees them as traitors," Vader replies, shifting, "That... will not easily change."
"Then how did you expect to appoint me as Emperor?"
He... never thought of that. Not in detail.
"We should go," Ahsoka points out, standing.
That would be best. There's nothing to wait for, even if the thought of confronting Sidious again is... terrifying. He will not be merciful if things don't go well, and it won't only be Vader caught in the center. But he will pay for ordering Ahsoka's death.
That – and the knowledge that he'd be a danger to Luke and Leia – mostly smother any feelings of guilt at the thought of betraying him.
"I must... take the twins to see Abeloth before leaving." Even if he doesn't want to. She nearly killed Ahsoka and Obi-Wan repeatedly, and... She didn't hurt the twins, but being kidnapped like that would have been hard on them.
He doesn't much care for what she did to him, but she... caused endless destruction. Not that he hasn't. That doesn't mean he wants her near them, but they had an agreement.
Abeloth is waiting when the ship lands.
Vader can't help tensing instantly, even if the Force indicates no danger. She could still attack and try to kill one of them, easily. That he gave her the kind of chance he's always wanted someone to give him doesn't mean he trusts her or likely ever will.
He'd tell the others to remain with the ship, but it's probably safer for Luke and Leia if they don't, so he lets them follow as he steps off, carrying the twins.
Leia stares at Abeloth curiously as he warily approaches her, and Luke makes a face. He... doesn't seem very keen on being in her presence. Vader doubts Leia would be either, if not for her connection to the Daughter which seems to make her a lot calmer than a baby probably ought to be.
"You desired to see them," he says, bluntly.
She steps closer, just staring at them for many long moments. "The connection is still there," she says, finally. To the Son and Daughter, she means, even if they're obviously not them.
The twisted darkness that surrounds her, that was always full of loathing pain and bitterness seems maybe a touch lighter, at the moment.
"May I hold them?" she asks.
It's strange to see her not trying to kill everyone.
"This deal lasts so long as you will not harm any of them or the galaxy again," he replies, to make sure that point is perfectly clear, before he cautiously holding them out.
She nods shortly, taking them.
Luke starts wailing almost instantly. Leia just stares up at her with an intensity that's almost unnerving.
Vader's about to intervene to calm Luke done, but eventually he starts to settle down.
Apparently, Abeloth does have some clue on how to take care of babies. She did help raise the Son and Daughter once. That must have been... a nightmare. The connection his own children have with them better not mean they'll have the same problems. Their bond already runs deep, though, so he doesn't think so.
He doesn't much want them to grow up seeing her as a mother but given the connection to the Ones she gave them, she does have some right to it.
And in the end, he knows what it's like to be entirely alone. To know that everyone will always hate you, no matter how rightful it is.
**w**
Vader's seen Mill upset about things in the past, but he's never sensed her distress this strongly before. She... is clearly not doing well right now.
He's left the twins with Abeloth for now, though keeping her within eyesight, when he spots Mill sitting on the ramp of the shuttle, legs drawn up to her chest, her chin resting on her crossed arms.
She had trouble after her master was lost – no thanks to Abeloth – but now... the greyness that's covered her presence has never really faded even if she feels as light as ever. There's something distinctly lost and depressed about how she's feeling now.
He crosses the grass, sitting on the ramp next to her.
She gives him a small smile when he sits down, even if she... doesn't really look any better.
"Are you... well?" he asks her, hesitantly. It sounds like a foolish question, given what's happened to her. Especially when she's so young. She's hardly older than Ahsoka was when he took her as a padawan, and she... hasn't had anyone to care for her.
"I miss how things used to be," she admits, "Before the Empire. And before her."
Vader follows her gaze to the Mother, a distance away. Hesitantly, he reaches out, touching her shoulder. He hasn't tried to comfort anyone in... years. "I do as well," he admits.
Another thought occurs to him then, though he hardly knows why he's about to suggest this given that he failed Ahsoka and has two children already, but this – after what she's done for him, it's only right. "You are still... young. You have not had anyone to care for you in a long time. If you desire to stay, you can remain with me. I believe there are some... official papers in that regard, but it would not be difficult."
He knows little about the adoption process, but him and Padme had joked about it once, for Ahsoka.
She blinks, eyes widening. "You mean... adopt me?"
"Yes."
"You'd... do that?"
"Of course," he promises, "You have been on your own for... a long time. There is no need for that any longer."
She brightens, and for a moment, he senses something other than underlying, lingering depression, something of the light she used to be.
Mill scoots slightly closer, learning against him. For a fleeting moment, he remembers that time they'd slept curled up next to each other on that mission to Cato Neimoidia. Vader shifts, wrapping his arm around her instead, and they just... sit there together.
He didn't exactly intend to adopt his technically third daughter right now, entirely by accident, but he has no regrets of that.
"I'm glad we could help you heal," she murmurs, finally.
"Thank you," he tells her, sincerely. The words don't express nearly the level of his gratitude for that. It's something he longed for ceaselessly, never believing he would get it, but now... He's free of that, even if it will likely haunt his nightmares forever.
She grins up at him. "This means I'm gonna have two... siblings now?" She sounds a bit blown away at that.
"Three," he corrects, "Ahsoka counts as well."
She seems to consider that for a moment. "I... I've never had a parent before. I don't know what that's... supposed to mean."
None of the Jedi do, and that's something he can't imagine. "It is a role closer than a master," he explains, slowly, "They take care of their child more closely than a padawan. They... always put them first. The connection is far deeper than what Jedi have." He doesn't even know how to explain it. But every moment he spent caring for Ahsoka during the war made him understand his own mother better.
She nods, though he doesn't think she really gets it. "What about the Order? What's going to happen to that? Will it... be rebuilt?"
"I do not know," he admits. Obi-Wan will insist on that. He doesn't know about Ahsoka, but she still believes in their way. "But if it is, it will realistically not be for some years still."
First, they will have to deal with the Empire, and then... In truth, all Vader wants is to be with what he's collected of his family – or at least, whichever ones of them still want him.
**w**
Vader's feeling no small measure of relief when they finally leave Mortis behind, even if they'll have to come back for Abeloth again later.
He's just... relieved to be away from that place, where so many things happened. Even if it's the place that also brought his family back together again, the family he didn't know he ever could get back.
This means it's time to confront Sidious, though, and he's... scared. Anything could happen. Any of them could be lost.
But there's a part of him that believes that the Force wouldn't have had things go this far, if only to destroy them again. Or so he can hope. He ceased hoping for years, but... there's a tentative part of him that's willing to try again. Whatever the cost to himself, he won't let Sidious hurt any of his children.
They're in hyperspace now, and Vader is in the hold by himself when Obi-Wan steps into the room.
Will he ever be able to see him without instinctive anxiety flooding him? Without instantly remembering the heat of the flames crawling across the skin, of the lightsaber – No, he doesn't want to think about it right now, even if it still haunts him constantly.
It's not something he can forget, even if – Even if there's a part of him that still wants to be around Obi-Wan. He's missed him agonizingly – he never realized he could until he was away from him this long, but that doesn't mean he... wants to be alone with him, either.
For a long moment, neither of them moves, just looking at each other.
"You are... lighter than before," Obi-Wan notes, studying him. That look always makes him uncomfortable, makes him feel like he's something to be studied.
Vader does feel better than he has in a long time, but he doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know where his once master is trying to go with this. "Am I?"
"Yes." He takes a few steps closer. "You have... let go of much of the Dark Side." He pauses again, studying him again. "If you have come this far, if you are willing to turn on Sidious, why not let go of the Dark Side entirely?"
He – he should've expected this would come, that Obi-Wan would ask that of him. (He wishes he could. He meant what he said to Mill – he wants things to be how they were before the Empire, even if so much of that was a lie. Even if he knows it wasn't as positive as he sometimes likes to pretend, in the days he longed so much for of the past.) "I cannot," Vader objects, sharply.
"Why?" Obi-Wan demands, crossing his arms.
He won't let this go, any more than he ever has... anything, will he? "You know no one can return from the Dark Side."
"I do know that," he agrees, "But you have done the impossible in the past. Qui-Gon believed you could, that you were still to destroy the Sith. And from what I have seen, as I said, you are already Lighter."
Vader's hand clenches. He – he knows that, but it's not that simple. Is it?
The memories of what he did at the Temple swim through mind, and of Mustafar, and how – How could Obi-Wan believe he could return, if he was willing to do that to him?
"I do not know how," Vader replies, sharply.
"What's stopping you?" he asks. He doesn't think it's meant to be condescending this once, just a genuine question, but it still irks him, especially when he's so confused at his master's sudden change in attitude.
"I cannot forget what I have done." He jolts to his feet, pacing. He can't hold still right now. And being in close spaces is not helping. Nor can he truly say why he's even answering, when Obi-Wan could easily use this against him. "I cannot – simply let go of that."
"Then why stay a Sith?" Obi-Wan counters. "I believe you can let go of the Dark Side, if you truly want to."
As if it's that easy – as if it isn't his guilt and self-loathing that keep him here in the first place, and he... doesn't know how to let go of that. (Abeloth could do better, though. And she was... slaughtering entirely senselessly.) "If I was not the monster you believed me to be, why did you do it?" he demands, "If you truly believe now there is a way for me to come back?"
Something like guilt – he thinks – flickers across his face. "I saw what you did at the Temple, Anakin. I wasn't thinking clearly then either. It was a... mistake that I will always regret, but I can't change what I did. We talked about this already."
He still doesn't really understand, or maybe it's that he – he just can't believe Obi-Wan would've done it for nothing, even if he's saying otherwise. Maybe he needs time to think about it, but he's suddenly exhausted again, even if he just woke up.
"What fuels the Dark Side?" Obi-Wan asks, when he seems to see he's getting no other response, "When you use it?"
"Anger, fear, hate," he answers, numbly.
He raises an eyebrow. "You have never been one to hate."
"Myself. Sidious." You, he doesn't add. Even if his emotions are far more complicate than just that. "I can't remember that day without drowning in it."
Obi-Wan is oddly quiet for a long time. "Then do better now," he says, finally, "I won't pretend it can change what's been done, but... I did mean what I said on Mortis, when we were confronting Abeloth. I will... stay with you. If you want that."
How long has he wanted to hear that? Ever since that moment Obi-Wan walked away, he couldn't understand why. He would've called for him, cried for him,had he been able to do anything but scream then. He doesn't understand why now, after everything, Obi-Wan's coming back to offer to say.
But he does regret Mustafar, and that... Vader doesn't know what to think.
But he could never turn this down, not if Obi-Wan is offering to stay with him.
"I do," he dares to admit, crossing his arms and looking away, grateful the hood hides so much of his face.
They just... stand there looking at each other for a few more moments, before Vader moves to the bench, sinking onto it.
He knows he hurt Obi-Wan badly, too, and it's something Obi-Wan will never forgive him for. He's certain of that. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, when... all he wants is for them to have what they once did. Not that that was always good either.
"I – I nearly killed you, Master. I'm sorry."
A look of surprise flits across his face. "You... regret that?"
He only nods, and he thinks there's something slightly softer in Obi-Wan's expression, though they don't speak again.
Maybe they can't have what they used to, but he can only hope that... they can at least rebuild something.
**w**
Vader goes to meditate after that, letting the currents of the Force wrap around him, giving him strength as they always have. He can't find peace the way he once did, but he finds when he reaches for the Force, instead of the instinctive darkness that always floods him as he drowns in everything that's happened, he feels something... lighter.
It's not of the Light Side really but thinking of how much he cares for everyone that's left and his determination not to lose fuels him, in a way that's not nearly as draining as when he draws on his hate instead.
He can't stop thinking about what Obi-Wan was saying, about letting go of the Dark Side. He – he wants to, but he doesn't know if he can do that. (But it feels maybe a little more reachable now, though he'll consider it more once Sidious is gone. Until then, it's hard to let go of this all-consuming fear, of what's going to happen now.)
As he reaches deeper into the Force, Vader suddenly senses the familiar but twisted presence of Abeloth. She must be reaching for him, across space and time.
"What?" he asks her, warily.
"Your friends," she begins, "Are they truly willing to stay with you?"
"How does it matter to you?"
"I sensed your betrayal and anger before. My old family betrayed me once, too."
She's asking because she... cares or is this idle curiosity? He doesn't know, can't quite imagine it being the former but at the same time, it almost seems like it is. Maybe.
He supposes if they're jointly raising the twins, that makes them family on some level, also.
"They say they will," he replies. And if that will be true, only time will tell.
But whether Ahsoka stays with him again or not, it won't stop him from trying to protect her as much as the rest of his other children.
And he doubts Mill would leave, even if he scarcely knows her. She's the one who wanted to stay in the first place, and she never had a reason to.
Luke and Leia will always be here, and he – he finally has the chance to raise a child mostly from birth, though he will have to stop by their adopted parents and figure out what to do about that.
And then there's Obi-Wan, who... Vader can hope their last conversation will sprout into something more, instead of falling apart again.
And he – he does feel more like Anakin than he has since everything fell apart. He doesn't know if he can truly reclaim that name, but now that he's back here with everyone, can he stay with the name Sidious gave him instead?
But maybe, Vader – Anakin – thinks, everything isn't as hopeless as he thought it would be. He doesn't know where the galaxy would've gone if not for Abeloth's return, and that is... one thing he cannot hold again her.
Before, the future was clouded with darkness, but now, when he reaches outwards, he can sense tendrils of light.
And unlike before, this, he thinks he can... live with.
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