"You may return to your previous state," Snape remarked with a wave of his hand.
I didn't wait for further instructions. I was uncomfortable in my own skin with anyone around me. The changes took hold in a flash, and I watched the shock and slight disgust colour my professor's face.
Noting my discomfort with his reaction, he spoke, "There have been many points in my life where I have wished to be another," he paused and seemed to choose his words carefully, "but now, watching you change everything about yourself…" his mouth twisted, "I am glad I could not do so…"
A wicked laugh left my lips, "Says you, Professor, but no one has said a negative word about me since first year."
"Yes. No one but yourself."
His words rang out in the silent classroom, echoing in my mind, "How did you..." My brows furrowed in thought.
I had never told anyone that. Not even my previous therapist. Never my mother or father.
Snape sighed, "Your mind is an open book, child. It took all of thirty seconds to probe into your mind and understand that you are having…" he looked at me with boredom and sympathy, "...difficulties."
I panicked, "You were in my mind!"
"I did not go looking further. Trust me, the inner workings of a teenage girl's mind are the last thing I wish to see, nor do I have any desire to understand."
"Then why did you go looking at all?"
"Because I needed to know why you were hiding. There was very little chance you would tell me yourself, so I peered into mind, and when I saw you fall on the train and change your appearance last night in fear, I stopped."
Relief flooded my system. He hadn't gotten the mandrake leaf.
Thank all that is holy in the world.
The classroom door opened slowly, creaking slowly as Theo, Lorenzo, and Blaise peeked their heads through.
"Professor…" Theo spoke softly. Not wanting to offend our head of house.
Lorenze smiled innocently, "...we were hoping to take our friend to lunch."
"...with us," Blaise added.
"Oh, for fucks sake," Pansy muttered, "Professor, these idiots have been complaining and threatening to break the door down since they heard her start crying."
Professor Snape walked with purpose toward the door, pulling his wand out and raising it to their eye level, "Going to break my door down, are you?"
They observed him with their guard up. They were ready to do something. They just didn't know what.
"Ignorant children. She fell running into a Hufflepuff, and she is hurt."
Their eyes snapped to me, and I nodded slowly, "On the way to Charms this morning."
Pansy's eyes went murderous, "Who was it?"
"I don't know."
Lorenzo glared, "Did they do it on purpose?"
Blaise stepped around Snape and approached me slowly. I let the bruises show and didn't resist when he took my wrists in his hand. A hiss escaped from between his lips, "Fucking hell. They look broken."
The rush of their stomping feet filled the room, bouncing off the walls. They groaned with sympathy, turning her black and purple wrists over in their examination.
"God, damn, fucking hell. I grabbed your wrist this morning," Lorenzo cursed himself.
I shrugged, "It wasn't that bad this morning."
Snape smacked Lorenzo on the side of the head, "Enough chatting. Take her to the hospital wing, you fools."
Their surprised murmurs of yes sir, and right away, sir, rang out as they practically pushed me out of the room. They growled at anyone getting too close and threatened to fight with every Hufflepuff they saw to defend Slytherin's honor.
"What is Slytherin honor?" I asked.
Pansy smiled, "If someone messes with you, then they're messing with all of us."
Blaise nodded in agreement as he pushed the hospital wing door open.
"But I already told you. It was an accident."
"Doesn't matter. He knocked you over."
I shook my head, "I should have been more careful."
Lorenzo frowned, "He should have been in class already."
Blaise pushed by him and helped me to sit before leaving to search for Madam Pomfrey. The little woman was dressed in old-fashioned nursing clothes and appeared frowning, followed by Blaise.
She looked both young and old at the same time. It was a conundrum. When she spoke to chastise me, it confused me further. Her words were old-fashioned, but her voice was full of life.
"Show me your wrists, young lady."
I held them up, and she pushed back my sleeves to reveal the purple and slightly swollen skin.
She tutted at me, "How in the world did you manage to do this to yourself?"
"I fell this morning."
Her eyes narrowed before she looked at each of the boys in turn, "Hmm. Fell, did you?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"We'll they do appear to be either broken or badly bruised. We will have to try a few things to figure out which," turning to my escorts, she held up her hands and waved them away, "Out."
"We wanted to stay," Blaise told her, crossing his arms with a frown. He looked even more handsome, upset than usual. I shook my head, caught off guard by the sudden thought. He wasn't handsome. I corrected myself internally.
Well, he is, but I shouldn't be thinking that. He would never in a million years think I'm attractive. He's a damn Quittich player—an athlete. He wants girls like Astoria Greengrass, slender and graceful—that's what he deserved, someone who looked like she belonged to stand next to him.
Madam Promfrey shook her head, "You can come back after lunch to check on her, but right now, she needs to heal, and you need to go eat and then get to class."
Pansy grabbed Blaise by the arm, dragging the giant boy away before he could start an argument with the old witch. The others followed and waved goodbye as she shut the curtains, closing us off from the rest of the hospital wing.
Madam Promfrey took her short want from her front apron pocket and waved it before plopping down on my bed to give me her full attention, "Now tell me how you ended up with two broken wrists."
Startled, I shook my head and pulled back from her, "I told you I fell on them."
"Listen here, girl, I have worked here longer than you've been alive. When a young witch comes in here with a gaggle of boys and an injury like this, it is not because she fell."
"Are you- are you trying to say that- that they did this?" It was unbelievable.
She held my stare and nodded.
Anger filled me, "No. They didn't. They wouldn't do that. I fell this morning," last night I corrected in my mind, "I was trying to get to Charms in time when I ran into a Hufflepuff and landed on my wrists quite hard."
A bottle of Skellamend floated into her waiting hands as she listened, "Then why didn't you come here when you knew you had hurt yourself?"
"I didn't want to be late," I avoided her eyes, "I was frightened."
"Posh! There's no reason to be frightened of Professor Flitwick. None at all."
Madam Promfrey measured a dose of her potion and held it to my lips. I drank it down and felt it burning its way to my stomach. It settled like a stone before spreading to my limbs, searching for the broken bones.
I looked around the room and thought about everything that had happened. She could help me. There could be something she could do to fix me because the muggle medicines weren't working anymore. Nothing was working anymore. Things were getting more complicated to handle daily, and I didn't know how much longer I could handle them.
I took a deep breath and tried to steel my nerves, "Madam?"
She eyed me wearily, expecting me to give her something else she thought was an excuse, "Yes, dear?"
"I find myself frightened of a lot."
Madam Promfrey looked at me momentarily, "What do you mean?"
"I'm always scared something is going to go wrong," I felt tears brimming, "I have Twinky the house elf wake me up because I'm afraid I won't wake up on time for class. I'm scared people are talking about me wherever I go. I'm scared I'm not good enough," I paused before breathing, "I'm afraid to show people what I look like…"
"What do you mean what you look like? You're right here."
I blinked back tears and let my natural skin take over. My blonde hair fell forward, and my extra weight, too.
"Oh, darling. You're a metamorphagus?"
I nodded, "I haven't let anyone see me this way in years. I'm scared they're going to laugh at me. I'm ugly and not as skinny as the other girls."
Madam Promfrey smiled, "Darling, I think all the girls in your year are scared. You have nothing to be worried about, though," she patted my knee, "You just need to go on a bit of a diet to lose a few pounds, and you'll be fine."
She said the words everyone had said to me a million times. Lose a few pounds until you're happy like I hadn't tried that. Like I hadn't tried every diet to lose this stubborn weight.
The tears fell freely now.
Madam Promfrey leaned forward and wrapped me in her arms, "I know it feels good to let it all out," she rubbed circles on my back, and I just wanted to scream, "Don't worry, darling, every girl your age is going through this as well. It's really very common."
Her tone, her touch, everything was setting me off. I needed to get out of here.
"You have nothing to be worried about, darling," she leaned back, smiling brightly, "As for being afraid. You have nothing to be afraid of. Everyone here at Hogwarts is very understanding. Just be who you are."
She gave me one last smile and left me with my healing bones. Leaving no seconds to spare, I transformed myself into a rejected Weasley cousin and hopped down from the bed before sneaking away.
My wrists were throbbing, but I powered through. It was quiet and bare in the corridors, everyone still off at lunch. Using the time I had left, I could go to the dungeons without being stopped. Inside the common rooms, it was even more deserted, only a few seventh years hanging about that paid me no mind as I snuck through to my dorm.
Once alone, I collapsed onto my bed and let the hideous disguise disappear.
"I'm so fucking stupid," I whispered to myself out loud. How could I have possibly thought that anyone would have understood?
Now you won't be able to see them again. The little voice taunted.
I can't see them again. Madam Promfrey will tell them what I said. Tell them what I am, how I've been hiding and lying.
They'll never want to talk to you again…. The voice told me.
Hot tears fell down my cheeks, and I grew light-headed as my breathing picked up. I won't be able to see them. I'll have to pick a new face, a new name.
Shit, what will they think.
Blaise.
Draco.
Pansy.
Lorenzo.
Mattheo.
Theo.
Heavy shuddering sobs shook my body as I cried. I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't think.
I cried for hours until I fell asleep in my robes atop my blankets. When I woke in the early morning hours before Twinky even arrived, I was sore and achy all over. My head was pounding, and most of all, my chest was numb. Instead of the constant ache of fear and the hollowness of being found a liar, I was empty.
I didn't want to move, let alone get up to shower and dress for class. Nothing, not even the fear of being late, motivated me to move. Instead, I got up because I knew Twinky would arrive and begin shouting if I did not, and I was not prepared to deal with the loud noise.
I turned the water to scalding and stepped into the stream. Washing myself felt like a chore. Standing felt like work, even breathing.
When I dressed and stood before the mirror, I noticed my eyes were puffy and hollow, the mossey green no longer any vibrant shade. Doing my best to ignore it all, I closed my eyes and changed my face and body into something I hadn't done before. Something new.
I remembered an old picture of my gran and replicated it the best I could from memory. When I opened my eyes, it was almost like I was staring at that photograph again. I was standing in my grans younger body, slender pale skin like mine, with naturally pale gray hair. It was perfect, except the eyes were wrong. The eyes were sad, turned down in the corners and looking as if they were seconds away from tears.
This would be it. My new face. My gran.
She'd always brought me comfort. Maybe seeing her face every day would help me get through this year.
…..
Nearly four Weeks Later
The mandrake leaf was due to leave my mouth in three days. The bitter taste had become a near-constant companion, but I was excited to be rid of it. In the great hall, students were bustling about, excited for October to begin in a few short days. It was a big deal for most students. It led to candy, laughter, and more hijinks than normal.
Scooching out from between a few third years, I began to make my way out of the great hall, but as I neared the large open doors, they shut tightly, and Dumbledore cleared his throat, demanding attention.
"I am sorry for this interruption, but after the last few weeks of searching…"
"About damn time!" A Slytherin shouted
Dumbledore nodded, "Yes, yes. After the last few weeks of searching. We have been unsuccessful in finding a student determined to hide among us."
A roar of whispers broke out among the students, and I began to sweat.
"This student possesses a unique ability to change their features at will, and with the concern of not only their peers but their parents as well, we are pressed to find them," Dumbledore smiled kindly yet also with a tinge of sadness, "I regret having to so here with all the students and staff present. but with our search unsuccessful and the student unwilling to respond to our plea, we are desperate to find them. I am sorry."
The whispers of the students grew louder. Teachers spread throughout the hall, taking up posts along the sides of the room and raising their wands high in the air before murmuring under their breath a spell I could not hear.
The same pain I felt before Snape ran over my body again, only this time more intense. It burned like a thousand brands, and I whimpered before falling to the floor. My head smacked against the stone, and shocked gasps were heard around the room as Snape rolled me over onto my back.
"Professor…"
His dark eyes looked down at me before he lifted me into his arms, pulling my robes tightly over my middle. He silently carried me through the dimly lit corridors as my head throbbed painfully and my vision swam with little silver sparkles.
"Professor?"
"What is it, Miss Sterling?"
"My head hurts."
"I have no doubt your head hurts," he rolled his eyes, "You hit it on the floor when you fell. We are headed to the hospital wing now."
"Oh, thank you. I guess."
He grunted.
My eyes closed on their own, and when they opened again,, I was surrounded by all my professors in the hospital wing.
"Why are you all here?" I asked dumbly
"Dumbledore insisted that we be here to offer support," Snape explained simply.
"Yes, I felt it would be helpful to have your professors here when I explained," the Headmaster added.
"Explained what?"
"Why we needed to stifle your abilities."
My brain lagged while trying to put a meaning to the word. Stifle.
Stifle.
Stifle.
Stifle meant to make something stop. To suffocate something or someone.
They were suffocating my abilities…
"You can't…"
Dumbledor nodded, "I assure you we can."
"No. You can't I need them. I can't…."
The air in the room grew thick. Too thick to breathe appropriately. Too heavy in my lungs. I felt like I was going to pass out.
"Miss Sterling, at Hogwarts, it is our duty to ensure the safety of all students," Umbridge began, "When you misuse your abilities and hide yourself from staff and students, it becomes a safety risk for you to continue to use them."
Umbridge let out a giggle.
"Yes. Now, I want you to know that this is not forever, and you will be awarded use of your metamorphous abilities when we can rest easy knowing that you will not use them to hide within the school."
"Oh god…."
They were going to see me. The real me.
This wasn't happening.
Dumbledore looked around at his staff, "If you'd excuse us. I would like to have a word with Miss Sterling."
They were excited one by one until it was only us.
Through his half-moon glasses, I looked into his knowing old eyes and let my tears fall, "How can you do this to me?"
"Miss Sterling, I am not trying to do anything to you. This was at the request of your father."
"My father…"
He nodded, "He requested once we found you that, we stifle your abilities temporarily to know where you are. With everything going on, it is unsafe to have you disappear without a trace."
"You don't understand, Headmaster. I can't let anyone see… see me like this."
Unlike the all-knowing Dumbledore, he tilted his head slightly to the side with a furrowed brow, "I am afraid I do not understand…."
"I'm not like them, and no one seems to understand that," I growled out, "I am bigger than them, I don't fit in, and I don't think I can live through any more of their whispers and looks."
Now, he nodded.
"Professor Snape said something to this effect, but to hear it from you is quite different. The emotion you're feeling gives it a different impression."
My head fell into my hands, and my sobs broke free, "Please just give it back… I can check in… I'll do anything."
He pondered momentarily, "I am afraid I cannot do that right now. If you wish to regain your abilities, I want you to speak to someone. A friend of mine."
"A friend of yours?" I asked through my fingers
He nodded, "Yes, she is good with these things and often works with muggles."
It sounded too good to be true, "For how long?" I asked suspiciously.
"Until the Christmas break, at least once a week," he replied
Fuck me.
"Fine, but I won't go to class."
"That is not negotiable. Your classes are required."
Shit.