The first things Duke woke up to was the feeling of water lapping at his face, the sound of soft snoring, and the cool breeze on his skin.
...Cool breeze? Duke shook his head and sat up, looking down to find himself in a rather familiar outfit: a red tank-top, his original Ray-Bans, blue jeans held in place by his signature radioactive trefoil belt, and black combat boots. The only thing missing from his ensemble was his tactical harness, but unlike that monkey suit he was wearing when he first woke up in Kivotos it was a hell of a lot more comfortable.
"Huh. Wasn't in Kansas before, and now I'm not in Kivotos either," Duke snorted. "Some shit. Himari?"
No response. Seems the girl didn't follow him into...the Shittim Chest? Did this count as alien teleportation shit? He wouldn't doubt it; that President girl seemed like a gigantic mysterious pain in the ass, and if he ever found her he'd have some choice words on what the fuck happened to Kivotos...oh, and who the fuck shot his wife.
"One step at a time, you old dog," he muttered to himself, getting to his feet with a groan and spotting the only other occupant of the room. A small girl was sleeping at a desk nearby, sky blue hair splayed out across the desk as she snorted in her sleep.
"Mmmmgnh, castella cake..." the girl mumbled in her sleep, a thin line of drool running down the side of her mouth. "Banana milk...better wih' shrawberhghl...hehehe..."
Duke almost felt bad for waking her up, but he needed answers. Plus, the place quite frankly looked like shit; an empty classroom filled with water and desks, two of which had mysterious bags hooked onto the side. A massive pile of desk made up the only notable landmark, as the ocean stretched across the horizon to make for some admittedly pretty scenery and not much else. Maybe he could pull her out of here and bring her back to actual society...wherever the hell that was.
"Hey kiddo, wakey wakey," Duke muttered, poking her soft cheek a couple of times. "Duke's got some eggs 'n bacey with your name on it."
"G-Gweh!" The girl shot up just as Duke managed to back off in time, hair messily flapping in the wind as she turned to get a face full of Duke's stomach. Pulling her face off with a pop, the girl's eyes slowly travelled upwards to stare at the stranger's face.
"Eh, what's...huh...?" the girl babbled, eyes widening as she continued to stare at the stranger. "Heeh...? Buweh...? Buwehweh...?"
"I've been told I make women speechless," Duke smirked, "but this is a whole 'nother damn level. Name's Duke Nukem, kid, and I didn't think I'd be makin' a house call today."
"W-Wait, you...if you're here, that means...DUKE-SENSEI!" the girl happily shouted, hopping to her feet and glomping the larger man. Stumbling with a light wheeze, Duke wrapped his arms around her to keep her from falling as she pulled her face from his chest and stared adoringly up at him.
"Whoa there, that's me alright! Not that I mind, but what's with the warm welcome?"
"I've been waiting for you for a long time! S-Someone, um..." the girl's brows furrowed adorably in thought. "Someone told me to expect you...someone who was very precious to me..."
The President...? Duke squinted behind his shades. Actually, no, if this Shittim Chest is Sensei property, that must mean...!
"Um, erm...ugh, w-woooo...trying to remember m-makes me dizzy..." the girl whimpered as her head lolled back onto his chest, light blue halo glitching out for a bit. Duke, mildly concerned at the sight of a halo moving like that at all, sighed heavily and pat her head.
Maybe it'll come back to her in time. Her lil' head might blow up if I sat her down for questioning...
"I got a few ideas I'll run by ya later. What's your name, squirt?"
"S-Squirt?! My name is Arona, and I'm the system manager that lives inside the Shittim Chest! I serve as its main OS! I'm gonna grow real tall someday, and then you'll be sorry, Sensei!"
An angry blush raged across her face as Arona puffed her cheeks out, glaring at him like the world's meanest puppy. Unable to resist, Duke cupped her cheeks with one hand and lightly squeezed, leaving her to sputter the air out and cough.
"Uuu...I've been waiting so long and all you're doing is teasing me! I'm basically your secretary!"
Duke laughed and hoisted her up properly to hug her, if only to wipe the tears from her eyes. If only she knew how much more...mature, his other secretaries had been in his prime. Well, not like it mattered; when he was going steady with his wife, he paid more than his fair share in hush money to get them to quietly disappear somewhere to live their best lives. He wanted to do good by her, and he thought he did, but he wasn't a clean man.
"Sorry, Arona, I'm just gettin' a bit playful in my old age. Forgive me?"
"...Mmn, you're lucky I'm just really happy to see you," Arona leaned in to wrap her tiny arms around him again, her halo changing into a bouncy pink heart. "I spent a long time napping and waiting, so you have no idea how great it is to finally be able to talk to you!"
Jesus, kid...
"Well, feeling's mutual." Duke pat her on the back. "So then, what can my trusty secretary do, anyway?"
"Ah!" Arona leaned back to look at him. "That's a great question! First, let's complete the transfer of authentication!"
"...Transfer of authentication?"
"Yup! We've got to get the Shittim Chest keyed to you after all, because someone else was already..." Arona trailed off, brows suddenly furrowing as she fought to remember where these orders came from in the first place. "But, why...? Nn..."
That confirmed it, his wife was definitely involved. But why Arona was having so much trouble remembering her, why everyone didn't remember her at all...this situation reeked of some real bullshit involving time 'n space 'n whatever other nerd crap. In other words, something for another day.
"I'm sure there's somethin' fishy going on, but there's no use in burning yourself out, Arona," Duke advised. "Let's just transfer authentication, grab ahold 'a Sanctum, and see if we can't save Kivotos, eh?"
"Ah, is that what's going on?!"
"Yup. Systems shut down across the entire city. Place has really gone to the planet's loveliest shithole."
"I see...!"
Dissolving out of his arms with a flash of blue light, Arona reappeared right in front of Duke with a hand outstretched.
"Aww, Sensei's arms were so warm...wah! W-Well, if you could come up and put the palm of your hand against mine, we can complete the biological authentication part of the transfer and get the ball rolling!"
Smiling, Duke got in close to her and put his hand to hers, feeling a tingling travel up his arm as Arona hummed in concentration.
"Heehee, it feels like we gave each other a high-five, right Sensei? Alright, running verification algorithms, and...mmhm, all green...okay! Previous records have been archived, and your verification is complete! Hooray, you're now the owner and operator of the Shittim Chest!"
"Oorah," Duke played along as Arona threw both arms in the air. Damn, he really couldn't stop smiling around this little ball of energy, huh?
"I'm sure it must've looked strange from an outside perspective, but don't worry, Sensei! My specs may not be top of the line, but doing things like this is a piece of cake! Ehe...ehehe...cake..."
Duke stooped to wipe away a thin line of drool and poked her again to keep her from falling too deep into a daydream.
"Never doubted ya, kid, what kind of Sensei would I be if I didn't trust my students?"
"Hehe, well, I'm not really your student, but hearing that makes me happy. Right, well, let's solve the Sanctum Tower problem first before anything else! Restoring access privileges to Sanctum Tower, and..."
Faintly, Duke heard a whirring sound in the back of his mind. Guessing that Arona pulled through, he let out a sigh of relief.
"Administrative access to Sanctum Tower has been re-established, Sensei!" Arona exclaimed, stars in her eyes.
"I am one lucky man to have a badass OS like you, Arona."
"N'aww, shucks...well, the tower's under my control, safe and sound. Which means that, by extension, all of Kivotos is in the palm of your hand, Sensei..."
Duke blinked, letting the fact sink in. Having control of all the vital systems in a goddamn city centralized in one tower was, indeed, fucking insane. What if it got wrecked, or hacked, or what if he just... didn't remember the password? He shook his head, figuring the thought process to be out of his league.
"On your orders, I can transfer control over the General Student Council...but if I may, I have a suggestion."
Duke raised a brow cautiously. "What kind of suggestion, squirt?"
"Well, based on some background data collection I conducted, Chief Administrative Officer and former Vice President of the GSC Rin Nanakami recently took the position of acting president upon the disappearance of her predecessor, correct?"
"...Yeah?"
"Do you trust her?"
"Absolutely," Duke said with no hesitation, and Arona sent him a brief grin.
"Right. So, having read up on the many...'inefficiencies' of the GSC, up to and including their near-total dependence on the President," Arona leaned forward, and suddenly she wasn't looking so happy-go-lucky anymore. "As well as extrapolating said data to form predictions on the near future, I concur that Rin Nanakami's position is 84.352% likely to be challenged in the near future by naysayers and detractors."
Duke's eyes widened. How the hell did she...?
"This may be obvious, but I believe it would be due to perceived incompetence when compared to the previous President, despite nobody being able to fill her shoes. If Rin is ousted from her position, it is possible that Sanctum Tower will fall under the control of an incompetent, somewhat corrupt organization with a very long history in controversy. I've been able to create an entire folder labelled 'Abydosgate' with data for one such instance."
Duke squinted and ran a hand through his hair, fairly certain that he knew most of those words. Okay, if he was picking up what Arona was putting down (and boy was she putting it down), the GSC was your typical governmental body: complete shit that couldn't (and wouldn't) lift a finger to help the people without a couple of actually competent members running the ship and maybe a couple guns to their backs. He only knew one such reliable person, which was Rin, and she was more than upfront about how nobody really respected her at the moment despite her best interests.
...
Well, he'd be damned. He was sure Arona had a good point, but she (again) actually had a fucking amazing one.
"Alright, let's say I'm on board with all 'a this. What're you suggesting we do about it now?"
"We hand over control of Sanctum to the GSC as promised," Arona began, gently sitting down and folding her hands on the desk. "But I create a backdoor that allows you and I to reclaim control whenever we wish."
Duke nearly tilted down his shades to look at her directly. "...Holy shit, you can do that?"
"Sure I can," the AI-girl shrugged. "It's your tower."
"Our tower. I may be a badass, but even I couldn't take this shit even if I tried all by my lonesome."
"...Right," Arona giggled, giving Duke a warm smile. "Then, if it's our tower, it's only fair that we take it away if the GSC is being naughty, right?"
Duke surprised even himself with the bark of laughter that left his mouth. Arona snorted and joined him soon after, and the two laughed at the absurdity of it all for a few minutes before calming down, a smattering of giggles leaving their systems.
"So..?"
"Alright, ya got me. The Duke loves it when a plan comes together, but sometimes ya gotta have a little special somethin' just in case."
"Yeah!" Arona shot him finger guns. "Thanks for taking my suggestion, Sensei! Alrighty then, 'control' of Sanctum Tower will now be transferred to the General Student Council!"
She shot him an exaggerated wink, which Duke chuckled at and bowed to her in return.
"Alright, I think I can hear Rin finishing up with a phone call, so I'm gonna get ready to send you back! That Himari girl was also worried sick about you, so be sure to contact her later and let her know you're okay. Hope you enjoy your time with your students, Sensei!"
Duke let out an intrigued hum. "So I didn't full-body teleport here, huh?"
Arona shook her head. "Nope. It sounds a little nuts, but I have a subroutine that just digitized your consciousness and what makes you 'you' to send here as a sort of 'avatar'! Neat, huh?"
Duke blinked. "Kinda fucking cool, not gonna lie. So if you could make me...digital?" He took a look and flexed his hands. Felt real enough. "Could we digitize other shit, too?"
"Ah..." Arona began, only to trail off. "I...don't know. I do want to find out though. Let's try it out later!"
"Sounds like a plan to me." Duke smirked, sending the girl a two-finger salute. "See ya later, partner."
"Partner...heehee! Yeah, see you again soon, partner!"
Duke felt as if he was plunged into rushing water as the world went black.
"...sei!"
"Duke-sensei, please! Please, you have to wake up!"
Groaning, Duke woke up for the second time today to the feeling of droplets hitting his face. Upon slowly opening his eyes, he found himself face-to-face of one exceedingly-terrified Aru, the rest of Problem Solvers and Rin hovering nervously behind her.
"...Aru?" he mumbled, and the girl sobbed with relief, diving to hug him tightly.
"W-W-We got the c-ughuh-call f-from Himawi t-that you w-were kn-knocked out b-by that C-Ches' thingy...!" the formerly-composed boss of PS68 blubbered into his shoulder, and Duke quickly looked around. Just as Arona said, he was still in (most) of his fancy Sensei getup and Himari was gone. "N-Nobuhy could wake you uuuuuup...!"
"Ah, the Chest worked in weirder ways than I thought, s-sorry there," he muttered into her ear, wrapping thick arms around her in a comfortably tight embrace. "I'm not hurt, no need to worry."
"You're telling us that now?" Kayoko droned, raising a thoroughly unamused brow at all the trouble he caused. It might not have been entirely his fault, but Duke winced and nodded anyways.
"Oh c'mon, I say we just be glad he's alright!" Mutsuki sighed with a relieved grin, for once not even bothering to tease her crying best friend as she skipped over and rubbed her back soothingly. "Come on, Aru, it's gonna be okay. Let's see if those scrubs will let us in to see Haruka now, okay?"
"Mmn..." Aru gave him one last squeeze before stumbling off of him, rubbing her eyes on her sleeve. "'M glad you're okay, Duke-sensei. Y-You 'n Haruka, in one day...you got s-shot earlier, so I thought..."
"I...yeah. I'm sorry, Aru. Sensei wouldn't lie to ya like that, and I never want to scare ya like that either."
"I-It's fine. After all...what good is being sorry when you've done nothing wrong?"
Aru gave him a shaky grin, and Duke tried his damn best to return one as big as he could. They made him so proud it hurt.
"Now that's a badass line, boss. Mind if you give old Sensei some pointers?"
Aru barked out a laugh. "Sure thing. Oh, and um, i-if anyone asks if I...?"
"Never happened."
She gave him a grateful look and nodded, turning to walk down a corridor as Mutsuki made to follow her with a wave, Kayoko shoving her hands in her pockets and deciding to bring up the rear. Before she could round the corner, though, the girl turned back around.
"I'm...glad you're alright, Duke-sensei."
"Heh, thanks. Sorry for worrying you too, Kayoko."
"...Hm."
With Problem Solvers having left the immediate area, Duke let out a groan and got up from the sofa, just in time for Rin to approach.
"Was it truly the Shittim Chest that caused you to fall unconscious?"
"Yeah, but you gotta believe me when I say that I wasn't hurt."
Rin nodded, the wary look in her eye lessening somewhat. "If you say so, Duke-sensei. It helped us regain control over Sanctum Tower, in any case, so I'll leave it aside for now. With that out of the way..."
The acting president stepped back and bowed deeply. "Thank you and well done, Sensei. On behalf of the entire General Student Council, I would like to commend you for saving Kivotos from certain destruction."
"Hey now, raise that head young lady. I'd be pissin' around doing nothing if it weren't for your instructions. Be proud of yourself, Rin, something' tells me you're gonna be in for it these next couple 'a days."
Rising from her bow, Rin sighed heavily and adjusted her glasses. "Oh, I'm well aware. However, the GSC did eventually pull through and step up to help resolve the situation, so perhaps it is I who needs to put more faith in others."
Duke nodded with a hum. Kind of funny given his talk with Arona, but she proved him wrong once before. "Don't sweat it. Sensei's got your back, so you go 'n learn at your own pace, alright? Explore, be safe, and all that jazz."
Rin shook her head fondly and grinned up at Duke, the first truly sunny one she'd given him since the time they'd known each other. "Then I'd like to thank you too, Sensei. Not from my position as a member of the GSC, but as Rin. A student who learned something under her Sensei's guidance."
"Well...ah hell, I'm honored..." Duke scratched his head, feeling unusually shy. Most women he met previously who weren't his wife were groupies, starstruck by his fame and good looks. Now he was surrounded by a bunch of sincere girls who thought the world of him as an instructor, and it was...
It was new. More than that, it was nice. It was a genuinely fulfilling feeling, and it was something else on a big pile of things that he had to thank his wife for. She gave him the world and her life, and even now she kept on handing him precious things.
"So, what happens now?"
"Well..." Rin cleared her throat as she began to walk alongside Duke. "The thugs and suspended students who were a part of the riot will be individually assessed. Those who are deemed in need of help shall be provided resources and support with the hopes of reintegrating them into normal student life. As for the unrepentant and violent...they will be punished severely."
Duke nodded. It was better than jailing all of 'em and being done with it. He idly wondered if he'd ever end up seeing any of them again...
"My job here should be done, but I do believe there's one more thing I should do. Please follow me, and I will formally introduce you to the Federal Investigation Club: Schale."
"Lead the way then," Duke grunted, and the two exited the basement. On the way, they passed by the main lobby, and there was something heartening about the way Rin called him the new owner. Unlocking the door, Rin and Duke stepped in and took in the Schale club room. A thin layer of dust had settled over things, but the room stayed untouched by the chaos that had surrounded it in recent days, and many small details popped out at Duke and made the room feel truly lived in.
"Nice place, real homey. Now that its mine, what's the next move?"
"Well, Schale has authority, but no real objectives yet. However, I'm sure that you'll be getting plenty of work soon enough."
"Huh?" Duke turned to look at her. "That, uh, sounds kinda ominous. How...do you know that?"
Rin's mouth twitched and she quickly looked away, and Duke suddenly felt a wave of dread. "Well, it seems that there were more than a couple of delinquents who filmed your various feats and...takedown of the Crusader Tank and posted it to KivoTube. That video in particular has racked up over five million views and shows no signs of stopping in the near future."
"Ohhhhh shit," Duke groaned, a hand coming up to his face. It's not that he didn't mind the fame, he was already a damn celebrity for decades back on Earth, but dealing with an alien invasion was a lot simpler when it was right fucking there compared to running around to thousands of academies who might expect you to solve a laundry list of problems for god knows how long. He had to reiterate, if only to himself: even Duke Nukem couldn't be everywhere at once, and though it pained him to say it...maybe he couldn't save them all.
Was this where the whole conscription thing came in? Because he sure as hell needed it.
"Do I wanna know what the comments are lookin' like."
"...See for yourself."
Handing him her phone, Duke gently grabbed it from her and began scrolling.
REVO_SPIRIT17 15 minutes ago
That Crusader Tank thought it could oppress the common man, and he said NOT TODAY! To all tyrants, revolution! I SALUTE YOU COMRADE ! ! !
HINAS 12 minutes ago
I recognize that pink hair. How interesting. Perhaps a visit to Schale is in order.
PRINCESS0508 7 minutes ago
wwwww he wrecked that poor thing! look at how super mad he was! Aah, the ability to crush the things you despise...how wonderful...
UNITAHA-01 5 minutes ago
No, he's not a battle droid who escaped from our workshop. Please stop tagging YUUKA_H and asking her to investigate us, thank you. The Engineering Club would nev
2HOT_STILL2HOT 1 minute ago
Hey YUUKA_H, there's a fire spreading around campus. Might want to take a look at it, thanks. Also, that guy fought pretty good, where's his halo?
Duke groaned, dragging a hand down his face as the debate over who or what he was raged on in the comment section. He had no idea who these girls were, but they seemed like a bunch of trouble. Equal parts amusement and dread made him wonder how exactly his reputation would form among all the academies off this video alone.
"Right, you can have this back...so, anything else I need to know?"
Rin gingerly took the phone back from him. "To remind you, you may enter any academic district in Kivotos freely, and register any student you wish as a club member. Fascinating, that an investigation club has that much authority and freedom when it is unclear what exactly you are supposed to be investigating...well, I'm sure the president had her reasons, not that we can ask her."
Duke grunted, staring out at the setting sun. "Less an investigation club and more a peacekeepin' organization, right? I'm sure the GSC has a metric ton of complaints they haven't...or can't...deal with. So, in comes the ol' Dukester and his merry band of students..."
"Ah, I see where you're going." Rin rolled her eyes with a smile. "Well, you'll certainly not find me complaining. You have the freedom to go wherever you please, Duke-sensei, so I'm sure you'll spend your time helping all manners of students and experiencing all kinds of stories. And speaking of civil complaints, I have some documents I must deliver to you later..."
Duke groaned. Great, paperwork. It was so much easier when his job was 'punch hole through alien bastard's chest and light up a cigar while it chokes'.
"Guess I couldn't avoid it forever. Lemme know if ya need anything, Rin..."
She let out a small laugh and made to leave the room, briefly pausing when he put his hand up. "I should be telling you that, Sensei," she remarked, smiling when he pat her on the head.
"Right on, little miss badass. Let's watch each other's back then."
With that, she left the room for real this time, leaving Duke alone with the Shittim Chest. Looking down and fumbling with the different buttons, he finally turned it on and saw Arona smiling at him, still in the classroom realm and sitting on a desk.
"Seems like things are going to get a whole lot more hectic in the coming days, huh partner?" Arona's digitized voice called out, the speakers on the Shittim Chest transmitting her voice surprisingly well.
"Looks like it. Ya did good, partner, but I think we're gonna have to get even better real soon. Even more badass."
"Right! With all of Kivotos knowing who you are, your caseload is gonna be crazy! Don't worry, the super-AI secretary A.R.O.N.A is ready to support you! I'm detecting some abnormalities in my code, but it's okay! I can get those ironed out over the weeks and be fighting fit!"
Duke laughed, a little pressure easing off his shoulders. "Thanks, Arona. How's about we visit lil' Haruka down in the medbay, see how she's doin'?"
"Sounds great, let's do it!"
Taking one last look at the Schale club room, Duke walked out and closed the door behind him.
A week and a half later and Duke Nukem, Earth's champion and Kivotos' one-and-only Sensei already found himself in another sticky situation. As this is Kivotos, it was actually a commendable amount of time. However, to truly appreciate the circumstances that our lovable protagonist has found himself in, context is needed.
Two days after the retaking of Schale, the academy city had calmed down as a majority of vital support systems were gradually turned back on. Crime was rapidly decreasing and the riots ground to a halt as students were able to band together without the fear of their academies imploding and stomp out any illegal going-ons they saw. Hell, Duke had even heard of some financial incentives being thrown around under the table, and he had some morbid respect for the mercenary nature of the whole thing.
Coincidentally, Haruka had also woken up around the same time. Tired, dehydrated and a little dizzy but ultimately not crippled or scarred. After a celebratory feast and a comical amount of pampering (to the point that poor Haruka nearly shut down from sensory overload and they had to spend fifteen minutes calming her down), it was decided that not only would Problem Solvers be officially onboarded as Schale's first club members, they would also take an office and a couple of rooms 'hostage' from an oddly unworried Duke-sensei.
Aru's official response was that it saved on rent and was the safest place in Kivotos for PS68 operate out of, but it took around three more days until he found random hidden snacks in places he frequented as well as members hanging around his office or snoozing on the couch whenever they could. Thus, it was completely fine to Duke and Arona, who would not stop teasing her partner about his soft and squishy heart.
.
"It ain't like that, Arona," Duke had muttered, moving a potted weed onto a higher shelf so that it caught more sunlight.
"Hehehe, sure it isn't, Sensei. Oh, by the way, your order of CDs and Gehenna textbooks has been delivered and is at the front door." Arona had given him a sly look then. "You know, CDs of bands you don't listen to and textbooks you tend to fill with sticky-marks and annotations before they, hm, 'disappear'."
"Huh? Wuzzat? You didn't want me to send you dessert tonight? Ah well, if you say so, squirt..."
"WHA-?! NO, NO, SENSEI, YOU CAN'T! I WAS KIDDING, I-IT WAS ONE OF THOSE KIVOTUBE PRANK THINGS!"
.
Life was good and the pattern continued for five more days. The paperwork was a chore and also mostly consisted of things that students really could've just decided on their own, but Duke would put up with it if it was for them. As a side effect, it also got his name out there: that was Duke-sensei who solved this dispute, you know, that halo-less guy who crushed a Crusader with his bare hands while roaring like a fucking animal.
He got his three square meals, played around with (and spoiled) the Problem Solvers whenever he could, and generally just had a pleasant time.
Then, towards midday, Duke stepped into the main lobby to get some air and found the seats taken up by a group of demons.
Life was just like that sometimes, he thought as he straightened his tie and sighed.
A/N: Spooky things are on the horizon...though you'd already know what they are if you read the VERSION UP ON AO3 YEAAAAAAAAAH WOOOOO BABY READ THOSE ENDNOTES ON AO3 WOAAAAAH
(shill)
There's no excuse I've just got a bad upload schedule lmao dumbass (myself)