Hecksing Ultimate Chronicles
Chapter 4: A Shocking Twist!
Beginning AN:
To those that read the original: Yeah. Here's a quick apology in advance. I'm sorry that fate wasn't changed too much.
So I barely gave this my usual final lookover because on this same day I was rushing to get Run: .GIFocalypse Chapter 3 Part 1 out. The reason why is because this is both the anniversary of the original Chapter 4 (because I wanted the old HUC to be out with each chapter of a "season" being three days apart from each other, and Chapter 3 to fall on the day the first post-Charlie death Two and a Half Men episode came out) and the anniversary of .GIFfany's episode of Gravity Falls. (I don't want RunGif to be a yearly thing on the anniversary but writing chapters has so far taken so long that that's how it just was; even worse, for both 2021 and 2022 the "update" was Chapter 2 Part 2, I was taking so long on that that I just posted a bad meme chapter in the former and it took me a year to clean that up, something I absolutely do not want to do again.) Already bad on its own, but in just eight days is also the anniversary of the Terraria update that added Nymphs and I want to do something related to that too. Ideally, have both the... doomed/to be rewritten a bit Chapter 9 out as well as the revised first two chapters. I even planned to post the new chapters on Archive of our Own while the "old" Chapter 9 will be added to the "old" chapters on FFN, and then once the rewrite catches up is when I replace the FFN chapters with the new versions all at once.
So yeah. September is an extremely busy month for my writing because a lot of shit happens there at once and I want to make anniversary releases for it. Thankfully, though, there likely won't be a HUC-Chapter 4 thing again, so in following years I'd just have to worry about RunGif.
So to recap, Seras and Pip were in Brazil's town and still needed to find the Millennium hideout after a brief distraction with some of Millennium.
Seras checked her phone. "Okay the coordinates say that the hideout shouldn't be too far out. We don't have too much time since we should get back and guard Integra from any assassins, so let's just meet Alucard on the way there."
Pip nodded. "Yeah, reuniting with Alucard later sounds like a good strategy."
They jumped off towards the direction of the coordinates.
"Okay Jan, Jew ready?" The Leader's hologram asked. The Doctor, still in the cave, saluted, while Jan just looked really bored.
"I HAVEN'T KILLED IN TOO FUCKING LONG! GIVE ME MY MISSION NOW OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY! I'LL TURN AGAINST YOU, EVEN!"
"Okay, here is Jew're mission."
"It's Jewr." Jan corrected grammar like an ass. He's basically a Redditor or Twitterer or YouTuber I mean, but not the titty kind. (That would be Rip.)
"ARGH THIS IS WHY I WAS ORIGINALLY GOING TO ASSIGN THIS TO RIP AND HAVE HER DISTRACT ALUCARD BUT JEWR TROLLING IS JUST TOO MUCH! Anyway, invade the aircraft carrier over here I have provided information of. Use this copter. And please actually die this time, last time Jew failed at that."
"I'm gonna live out of spite!"
The Leader got really mad and started stomping his foot around even visible as a hologram! "The only reason why I don't shoot Jew right now is because the Doctor kept bitching to me about getting someone to test out his new robotic arm with. If I kill Jew, the arm dies too, and the Doctor will be pissed about it."
Doctor nodded. "Yep!"
"Anyway go out NOW!"
Seras and Pip saw a helicopter flying off very fast in the distance. It was headind east and north.
"Wait a minute..." Said Seras, having just unlocked her super senses. Her eyes turned from blue to red to highlight this. (Not Sharingan fuck that.) "It's heading towards London! Right towards London! I think it might be from... THE MILLENNIUM!"
"Indeed it is!" It was Catboy, who poofed in with fairy dust! Because of his Weird Quantum Bullshit, he could also teleport and appear in the jungle with Alucard, and then in Hecksing Manor with Integra and Walter! He spoke and teleported back and forth (and back again? I don't know what to say when it's three places) but then after those three words he knew how exhausting that was so he just dropped a TV down in each location and had it play a message.
It was the Millennium Leader, he wasn't in hologram form because that would be dumb the thing is already meant for communication and he's already communicating. However, he's in shadow except for one eye, while occasionally his glasses would shine over and make it look like he has two really big white eyes.
"I have sent my ULTIMATE WEAPON to kickstart the invasion of London!" He cheered.
"Why not just use Kickstarter?" Pip snarked, as a wisecracker.
The Leader didn't respond because this was a pre-recording. "Well actually, the Ultimate Weapon is going over to hijack an aircraft carrier, we're splitting in three; four of our officers/lieutenants are going to come over to Hecksing Manor with 100 out of 1,000 of the Millennium's Big Army of a Thousand Vampires. The rest of us, the other 900 and the last four main members, me, the Doctor, the Captain, and someone closer than Jew think, will be getting ready to kidnap the President if you don't hold ransom, because in order to properly power up the other Ultimate Weapon that we've been working on even longer, we need royal blood."
The TVs all shut off. Alucard shot his TV out of a message of spite, even though it didn't do anything.
"Well damn." Said Seras. "We have to split in to three now? But there are five of us - us in Brazil, Integra, and Walter - although how will we get here on time?"
"WITH MY TANK!" Cheered Alucard.
Alucard landed by them after performing a super huge leap. "Okay, I need to get fuel for it first, so that we can actually take off-"
He then got a phone call and again reached through his speedo. It was Integra!
"Alucard sudden change of plans we need you to take on Jan in the aircraft carrier, he's already there but the other plans of the Millennium can wait since they have slower vehicles."
"Okay." Said Alucard. "Wait Jan?! That guy from before?"
"Yes. We have informants - Walter actually - telling us that they sent him on there. He has a robotic arm or some stupid shit like that I don't really know."
"I can go with!" Said Seras, who heard Integra over the line with her vampire hearing. Integra heard her because Seras shouted really loud, which also startled Pip.
"No. This robotic arm looks seriously powerful. It's a threat to you. Against Walter's suggestion to send you all to the carreer, I want you and Pip to infiltrate their zepplin. Walter and I will handle the quartet assigned to kidnap the president."
"But we'll be stranded in Brazil without the tank?" Seras asked.
"Use your vampire powers to take over the zepplin after defeating the Millennium in it and fly it back to London."
Seras took in a deep breath. "Okay, I'll try."
Aucard hung up.
"Wait what did she say?" Asked Pip.
Alucard was huunting for fuel. He found gas and telekinetically lifted his tank up from the ocean and was pumping gas in to it.
"Gas prices here are better than America LOL." He said. But then, again, he had a rather dark flashback regarding 'America' and felt uneasy... he was British now though! And he liked it!
"Wait!" Said Seras. "Can you ride us to the Millennium hideout?"
"Um no it's too far in the opposite direction and by that time Jan would have killed more soldiers on the aircraft carrier. He's already killed a lot, and is planning to use it to start a huge army. In fact you two actually went backwards from where you needed to go so you better hurry."
Alucard eventually had the tank full from the gas station, then he drove off in to the ocean, where there he could use the boosters to fly similar to being in the air, only with the water hydroplaning him it took less fuel.
"UNLEASH HECK on the badguys!" Alucard cheered.
(Amazon Rainforest)
Pip was stealthing around like Rambo. He was painting his face with mud (not like blackface though because he's not racist) and blending in to trees.
"Hey, you get to see my military skills, cop yellow vampire." Pip said with a smirk.
"Okay whatever."
Oh yeah the other Wild Geese were with them too.
(The Carrier)
Jan was enjoying that he basically managed to steal Rip's mission by being alive and surviving Chapter 2. Uh, the old version did it better but Rip was also a ditz for the first half before suddenly becoming a lot smarter so I didn't like it so much. Anyway, the copter was meant for Rip, and it had her paintbrush in it. Jan saw the blood around and drew a penis on the jet and went "Heh heh heh fuck killing is fun."
Then he spotted something going across in the ocean. It was Alucard! In his tank! At first for the most part he was skimming the surface, then he screamed "UNLEASH HECK" and flew up out of the surface, picking just the right moment to not exhaust his fuel, and he crashlanded on the deck with a big fucking explosion.
Alucard got out and since he had time riding in the tank he had time to get changed, he went back to his default costume of Chapter 1 sadly.
"Okay I'm here." Said Alucard.
"Your mission keep in mind is to SEARCH AND DESTROY." Integra said over the phone. "Although Jan's right there out in the open so there's no need to search him, just destroy, that's half the mission. Because of this though I'm cutting your pay this mission in half."
"D'OH!"
Anyway, Jan was not scared of him at all!
"That hat and those glasses make you look stupid." Jan said with a trollface.
"D:"
"Ha ha ha you're Hecksing's Ultimate Weapon? You may have beaten my brother, but I have the power of reflexes like that Ultra Instinct Norville, combined with the power to say the word fuck a lot even when drowning in the river of my childhood home. Now, draw, Badguy." He brought his robotic arm out. "Go ahead. Hee hee hee. Fuck."
"You are nothing compared to the mighteousness of ALUCARD BADGUY!" Alucard shouted, shooting him a lot. But Jan's robot arm had a lot of features, one of which being a barrier that blocked all Alucard's bullets!
"Okay this might be bad."
But then the slot on the robo palm opened up and fired some swords! And they were poisoned with vampire poison, which stabbed Alucard in the chest and made him stagger back. He was hit with the swords multiple times.
"Good thing I stopped at the manor really fast and got some antedote from Walter!" Said Alucard, taking the antedote.
But it didn't work!
"First of all I changed my fucking poison every day. Mix things up, match them, I have no fucking idea what's in these ingredients or what's in these things. In one mission I just had poisons that were only laxatives, but it wasn't completely funny and harmless because the person would shit to death. Two, Walter's actually evil and working with us. I'm telling you this since it's too late anyway with you about to die and I just figured out how to block cell reception with my robotic arm."
Then the Placebo Effect kicked in! Alucard heard laxative poison, and he had to shit! He ran around looking for a bathroom and then found a sign pointing him, he turned to shadow mass and merged through the floors to quickly get there!
"Ha ha, too easy!" Jan said.
"THERE IT IS!" Shouted Seras." THE MILLENNIUM HIDEOUT!"
She pointed ahead but there was just more jungle.
"WHERE?" Asked Pip.
"Two thousand kilometers ahead I'm using my enhanced vampire vision to see ahead."
"Oh... damn, that's a lot of walking..."
Alucard came out and was deathly ill from the poisons.
"Damn if only you hid so that I could have to search you and get full pay for this..." Alucard said, feeling woozy, "I need extra pay for that..."
"Okay I'll hide if that's what you want motherfucker." Jan said laughfully. And then he activated jet boosters on his robot-arm and flew all the way over to one of those tower things on the carrier!
"NO WAIT I WASN'T REQUESTING! AHHHH!" Shouted Alucard, getting angry. He was also feeling weak and almost dying from the poison. He thought... there had to be someone who had knowledge of this that he ate...
Oh screw it. Alucard didn't have much time. The vampire poison was lethal even to him.
"Okay Control Release State Zero." Alucard said. "To cure the poison but also Jan is making me mad with his trolling. The bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame..."
And then his coffin jumped out of the tank, and opened up, and a huge army of corpses shot out first as a blood vortex thing, but soon they solidified to a massive army of people! In the front and center were First Boss, Alexander Anderson, Luke Valentine, and Carl Stevens.
"I need a medic." Said Alucard.
"I'm an actual priest," First Boss said, "I know from studying priest stuff how to cure various vampire poisons. But I won't do that unless you mind control me."
"Okay." Alucard pointed his finger at First Boss and a red light came from it, and suddenly he was under control.
"Yes master... I will do your bidding..." First Boss said. And then got to treating Alucard with the poison.
Alucard turned to Anderson, Luke, and Carl.
"If you don't want to be a drooling puppet too you better help me out by finding Jan."
"But Alucard Jan thinks it's dishonorable to fight blood family." Said Luke. "If he sees me sent to fight him, he might do something dangerously moronic. Even more dangerous than his usual."
"Well I'm a hero, this may be unfamiliar - haha get it you're literally familiars - to you, but heroes take risks. So I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Even though we are on a boat." This is also exposition to his powers they're familiars.
First Boss medic'd him.
"You are now better... master..." Said First Boss.
But then his (First Boss's) head was blown open by a shot! It was Jan, shooting with one of his swords' gun ability!
"HEY! NO FAIR!" Said Alucard. "Also I'm pretty sure he's now dead for good!"
Jan laughed. He was standing atop the tower so Alucard's corpse army couldn't reach him. "Life isn't fair! Proof of that: I exist!"
Alucard gritted his teeth. He pointed in Jan's way. "Familiar Army, this is what I'm up against. Your only job is to make sure this man ends up dead at all costs!"
"Getting mad?" Asked Jan. "U mad?"
"ARGH!"
"Hey, I have my specialty, Sonic Wave Guitar that can help." Said Carl, getting out this magic rock guitar. He blasted it, and it unleashed a colorful wave, but Jan just cut it in half with a poison sword and said
"Lame." Then he disappeared inside the ship again.
"SEARCH EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY!" Said Alucard, getting extremely impatient.
Most of the familiars were looking under beds, in toilets (this isn't just a stupid SpongeBob joke it's in-character for Jan to hide out there) but found no signs of him. One of them looking in the toilet shouted in disgust "ALUCARD DIDN'T FLUSH?!" And Alucard replied:
"BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING DEEPLY FOR HIM AT THE MOMENT AND WAS IN A RUSH!"
Anyway, Alucard himself had Anderson, as probably the strongest of the familiars, as his personal search party teammate directly near him. And while Anderson helped because both Hecksing and Heavensing hates the Millennium so Alucard didn't mind control him, he was being a prick:
"You bloody Protestants and your having vampires fight other vampires which doesn't even make sense!" Said Anderson.
"You Catholics and your hating all vampires!"
"Well it's in the Bible! And the God said to the Jesus let there be no vampires, and that is why all vampires must die!"
They heard Jan over the PDA of the ship: "Hey this whole mission is a distraction and I'd say it's working pretty well LOL."
Alucard turned to the speaker and growled, but then he turned back and saw Jan at the end of that hallway!
"Ho ho ho hoh o!" Said Anderson, taking out swords and making a cross with them. "Okay Alucard let's set aside our differences and fight this guy together!"
Anderson dashed to Jan with a sword out, but Jan used his reflexes to dodge every sword swing! Even when Anderson took out Bible pages that were glowing gold, and had them all scatter around like shuriken, Jan still managed to dodge like a pro, getting around and away from them like Ren and Stimpy gets crap past the radar. Alucard also shot towards Jan, making sure not to hit Anderson thanks to his aiming skills, but because of Jan's dodging skills his bullets just hit nobody. He was sure wishing he had Huntress' (actually Rip but he didn't know that yet) power!
"Hey Holy Man." Said Jan. Jan then got a finger covered in blood from killing a random person on the ship and drew an inverted cross on Anderson's forehead.
Suddenly Anderson stepped back in pain and started burning.
"HAHAHA! Once you have the Holy Charge and learn to use the Bible as a weapon, you also give up your natural immunity to Satanic stuff not making you burn, so now it makes you burn!"
He gutted Anderson in the gut with a poison sword, and Anderson was poisoned.
"Oh if I absorb you now I'll put the vampire poison back in me and that would be bad." Said Alucard. "So goodbye, I guess you're dead now."
"WAIT WHAT NO!"
"It's a shame, it's rare to have a human be so good at keeping up with me and fighting so well.
"OH NO... OH NO... JESUS... CATHOLIC JESUS... HELP ME!"
Carl came around the corner.
"I FIGURED SOMETHING OUT DUDE!" He said. "JAN'S ARM IS WIRETHETIC, WE NEED TO HACK IT, AND THANKFULLY THERE'S A RADIO TOWER HERE AND I CAN TUNE THE FREQUENCY WITH MY GUITAR! I STUDIED A BIT OF HACKING, WITH THE RIGHT FREQUENCY WE CAN DISABLE THE ROBOT ARM AND JAN WILL BE POWERLESS!"
Jan for the first time the whole mission frowned. "Oh fuck."
"GO OVER THERE!" Said Alucard. "HURRY, I'LL DISTRACT HIM!"
Jan tried to jump after Carl, but Alucard blocked with his guns and counteracted his sword, clashing them. Jan said "Ready to be poisoned again" but Alucard said,
"No because I learned my lesson and adapted!"
And then he stubbed Jan's toe which hurt a lot, and wasn't really protected too much by the robo arm! But that changed when he tweaked the settings and made it create a giant forcefield, big enough and powerful enough to expand out of the hallway they were in and crack and bend open the walls and stuff. Lots of pipes burst and gave steam, and this would be a steamy episode like in the first Futurama episode with Zapp's ship and Fry and Bender turning the prison to a steam room if it were not so serious.
With his force field at full now Jan gleefully laughed like a perverted asshole murdering child as he ran through, and the forcefield since it was a shield knocked Alucard like a bowling ball, and he fell in to the carrier's bowling area and got a full strike, getting himself 300.
"I guess that was karma for what I did to Luke..." Alucard said. "Or not, since Luke was bad. But wait a minute! I know what to do! My last resort! LUKE!"
He called for Luke, who sped over.
"Stop Jan before he stops Carl from stopping Jan's robotic arm." He said. "You're faster than me so you can do it."
"Deal."
Alucard had placed an army of familiars, including some with horces, in front of the tower with the electrical radio tower as guards. But Jan easily killed them with his swords, laughing.
Carl was already in the room, and he was tapping madly at some stuff there.
"C'mon, c'mon..." He said. "Dammit, I was just enjoying a hideout with the Martians and their sexy topless red and yellow women, before this shit happened and now I'm in hiding. The Spider Queen and Tarantula Queen are fucking me. And not in the way I want them to."
Jan opened the doors there and Carl began to sweat. "MERRY CHRISTMAS." He said. All the other familiars in front were dead!
Carl nervously turned around and pointed a finger, but he was pissing himself.
"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" Carl shouted.
"No."
And sadly, Carl couldn't find the right frequency to jam the robot-arm...
But then Luke came in with his fast orange speed and tried slicing a lot with his knives and their blue speed, though Jan jumped out of the way. He was shocked to see him, and then also sad, and then he put his hands together (yes including the robotic one) in a meditative stance.
"Wait, no." Jan said. "I cannot fight my brother. I must fight with honor. So, instead of harming my blood relative... I'll surrender... BY BLOWING MYSELF AND THIS WHOLE FUCKING AIRCRAFT SHIP TO KINGDOM FUCKING CUM!" Mispelling come as cum is intentionall because it's Jan.
"Wait, what?!" Asked Luke. "That was your solution to if we ever fought with you having a robo arm with a nuke?! Are you insane?!"
"YES!" And then he tweaked with his robot arm, and suddenly a panel opened up, revealing a countdown! 3... 2... 1... it was a countdown to an explosion!
"Ohhhh..." Said Anderson, Alucard carried him all the way over to the radio room entrance to give him a better view as his dying request since he was an honorable rival. "I can sense it, Protestant, with my Catholic Powers. That's a mega powerful holy nuke. I thought they were only in legends. I think it's strong enough to kill every one of your lives even if you absorb your familiars... heh heh heh..."
Alucard's eyes widened. "ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! I'm sure Integra will understand because this is a suicide attack that will kill Jan."
Jan laughed. "You tried to make me fight family, now I'll show you how I play dirty! Well, dirtier. Game over, Alucard!"
Alucard dropped Anderson on the ground (he had to screw his dying request so that he himself wouldn't die), dashed through the halls and went up the stairs and was at the top outside, where he sped over to his tank. Carl meanwhile was still trying, even harder, to fidgit with the frequency... and he did! But then Jan shot him and then karate chopped the radio tower before Luke could do anything to stop him.
"Once this bomb activates it won't un-activate!" Jan said. "The Major told me to only use this when Alucard is within 'can't leave' range, well I never got this, but I'm assuming that he's not going to live!"
"You monster!" Luke said.
"Fuck you for drowning me."
"Oh yeah I guess we're both monsters hahahah!"
"HEY I'VE BEEN SHOT AND I PISSED MYSELF!" Carl bitched. He was shot in the side so no the gunshot didn't kill him.
"Well no worries soon you'll be dead."
Alucard got in his tank and began to drive off! But it was stalling on him!
"MOOOOO!" Alucard shouted.
But then he got the tank to work!
"Come on, come on..." Alucard said...
OUT OF FUEL!
"NOOOOO!"
And Jan laughed from within the radio room, one last time, as the holy bomb went off, and a colossal white and cyan explosion that looked kinda like some kind of cake with cyan frosting or something blew up and went over the carrier.
Carl died.
Anderson said "Well now it's time to see if the Protestant Jesus or the Catholic Jesus is correct... or if the Muslims or Jews were right, I am open to changing my mind." And then he was wiped by the explosion with a smile.
Luke said "Dammit brother even after I have been killed and brought back you're still suffering me."
First Boss was already dead. Unlike Carl's shot, Jan's shot to him actually (double?) killed him.
That one guard - actually a lot of guards Alucard ate to live on himside of him but I only wrote it happening once - didn't get a happy ending after all, being wiped out.
All over millions of familiars, people or horses or stuff, were being annihilated by the holy explosion, and it was quickly approaching Alucard.
Alucard had to leave the tank behind, although it was a sad though. He stood up out of the tank-
And was blasted by the holy explosion! And with no bodies to protect him, that was him dead for good, although like Anderson said if he had eaten them again it would still tear through his extra lives, similar to the gloom in Tears of the Kingdom eating Link's hearts at the beginning. I can just imagine Alucard having a life counter of millions of hearts all getting eaten like that, except without stopping at three.
It'd stop at zero.
Because Alucard Badguy was no more.
Schrodinger was on an island and broadcasted the whole thing, to Seras and Pip in Brazil, but also Integra and Walter back home. Also, the carrier was split in four and they all sank, this would have killed any survivors but the explosion got them too since it can also take out normal humans and not just vampires (otherwise Anderson and Carl would have survived just to get poisoned and bleed to death respectively and drown for both of them). Nobody was left.
"A-Alucard!" Seras said. She only knew him for three days, but tears were forming in her eyes as she thought back to the good times they had.
"Red vampire!" Shouted Pip. "Wild Geese, mourn him!"
And they all took off their hats (the Geese had hats I think, all of them, it was part of Pip's uniform) and held them by their chests.
In Hecksing, Integra said "NO!" And bit her cigar so hard from the stress that it broke off and flew to the trashcan, also starting a fire. Which activated the smoke alarms and made water fall from the sprinklers, and it was symbolism of rain from a tragety. That tragety being that Alucard died.
"WALTER GET ME A NEW CIGAR! I NEED IT FROM SEEING WHAT JUST HAPPENED!"
"I CANNOT GIVE YOU A CIGAR!" Walter said, making a trollish shrugging motion.
"WHAT?! WHY THE HECK NOT?!"
"BECAUSE I AM REALLY WORKING FOR THE MILLENNIUM AND NOW THAT ALUCARD IS DEAD I CAN FINALLY TELL YOU WITHOUT HIM EATING ME!"
"DOUBLE NO!"
End of Season 1.
Closing AN:
So that's it for the "One chapter every three days" thing. Most likely, the earliest time for the next update would be November 11th, the anniversary of Chapter 5. But it may be later.