Chapter 50

Content warning: This first scene is a little spicy, and later there is a minor injury with blood.

Azula was reading in her bed in her favorite silk robe, trying to get to sleep. Suddenly there was a crash on the balcony. Raiden charged in, sword drawn, and rushed across her bedroom to the glass door.

She got out of bed, clutching her robe around her neck, wondering if it was another assassin.

But he returned in a minute, sheathing his sword. "Just an injured flutterbat. Sorry for disturbing you."

She smiled at her handsome captain. "That's all right. You didn't wake me."

"Are you having a hard time getting to sleep, my lord?" Raiden asked solicitously.

"Well, yes," she admitted. "You know I don't sleep well."

"Perhaps I could help you unwind, my lord." He knelt before her and kissed the back of her hand, then turned it over to plant an open-mouthed kiss on the inside of her wrist. "I am here to serve you, my lord."

In her shock, Azula dropped the hand holding her robe closed, exposing her body, nude except for underwear. Her waist was at his eye level, so he reached for her hips and began kissing and nuzzling her bare stomach.

"I exist to please you, my lord," Raiden looked up at her seductively, his hands curving around her backside. "You can use me if you wish."

It was too much, too fast, and he was calling her 'my lord.' She didn't want it to be like this between them.

But he seemed to be obeying rules she had not set. Suddenly he was undressed, a chain fastening his ankle to her bed. It looked like he didn't mind, though. He was grinning lasciviously up at her, patting the bed next to him in invitation. "I know just how to relax you, my lord. Let me show you how dedicated I am to my duty." He reached for her, and part of her longed to give in, but a voice inside screamed that it wasn't right.

That was when Azula woke up, flushed and trembling. Just a dream, she repeated to herself. She hadn't known it was possible to be aroused and horrified at the same time.

It was almost dawn. No point trying to get back to sleep. She needed to take a cold shower before meeting Raiden for her archery lesson.

Raiden was positively reeling from the events of the past few days, unable to make sense of Azula's behavior. First, the turbulent visit to the dragons, resulting in their newly named friendship. Then she asked him formally to join her council and asked him a loaded question, "Is this all you desire from me?" Today she requested an archery lesson, and showered him with praise and jokes the whole time. Just now, he had relaxed into their accustomed companionship, working quietly together in the library, and it felt like things were back to normal. That was when she held up her hand, silently asking for another kiss.

She confused him, changing so abruptly after working with him so long, so closely, without a hint of anything beyond professional interest. But it seemed he could no longer dismiss the possibility of the Fire Lord ever liking him. He couldn't pretend not to see something new in the way she looked at him. She wasn't obvious about it, and her inexperience and awkwardness showed, coming out in childish wordplay and a mismatch between her words and tone. Her signals were often mixed. Sometimes she was droll, punning and using his title like a cute nickname, and other times she was the same as she'd always been. But he knew how to read the signs, and she was giving them. If she were anyone else, it would have made him feel confident enough to ask her out.

There was a part of him that was rejoicing in this new, flattering attention. The girl he had crushed on for years had finally noticed him! The beautiful, vibrant, fiery Azula had complimented and teased and even thanked him. When she had expressed her gratitude for his bravery at the Fire Shrine for the first time, it struck him to his core. At the time, she had merely informed him of his award, as if that was all that he deserved. In that conversation, he had applauded her speech more effusively than she had commended his heroism. Now, her words affected him even more for being overdue. In fact, his ego had never fed so well. He wished he could simply indulge in this excitement and dream of her.

But Raiden could never forget that she was the Fire Lord, and he was her captain: it would be illegal for them to have a relationship. He had asked her to take away the threat of Colonel Karai, but found that even with his odious commanding officer banished to the Boiling Rock, he still didn't feel safe enough to act on his feelings. First of all, the colonel might have asked some guard or servant to keep him informed of his subordinate's interactions with Azula. The law itself was what made his position precarious, and he had not had the guts to ask her to repeal it.

Second, he still had some guilt on his conscience from spying on her. Though he remained convinced he had done the right thing, lies and secrets, even those left over from an earlier time in life, had no place in an honest friendship, much less a real relationship. If a miracle happened, and they decided to be serious about each other, he would have to come clean, and he had no idea how she would react if he confessed to treason.

Because, third, and most ominously, he could not be sure that Azula herself was safe. She had reformed, but her change had proceeded from the outside in, and there was no way for him to tell if it was complete. If something happened to upset her current level of equanimity, she might backslide. Only a couple weeks ago, Raiden had cried on the deck of the airship after Azula had vowed her intention to resume her engagement with the Avatar. She had a troubled past, and obsessive tendencies—what if she treated him like she had Aang? Though in some ways his heart was already hers, he wasn't sure he could trust his career and life with her as well. He had fallen in love with her involuntarily; to choose to pursue a relationship with someone so volatile was something else entirely. It was a risk Raiden could not afford.

Especially when he had no idea of Azula's intentions. She had begun to treat him differently after her most recent meeting with the Avatar. Perhaps the captain should cheer her for finally moving on. It was healthy for her to give up a romantic attachment to a married man. But was it too soon for her to begin a new relationship? Or was that just the way the heart worked? Did she want a fling, or something more lasting? And in either case, what would she expect his role to be? She treated him with respect in council meetings, certainly. She had called him her best friend. That implied that she did not want him only to warm her bed. But it could also mean that she wanted an entirely platonic relationship, and he was overinterpreting her clumsy attempts at friendliness. She was not a particularly sociable person; maybe she did not know how to act toward a male friend. There had been that one time on Ember Island–but that vacation had been so removed from real life that it couldn't count. Raiden knew he could easily drive himself mad speculating like this.

If this flirtation continued, even progressed, would it become painful for him? Would it hurt to have her toy with him, when he was in love with her? Maybe he would let her use him, even if her feelings were shallow, but was that what she truly needed? Would that be a loving choice, or just selfishness on his part? And if they had an affair, would his heart survive its end? He shook his head at the thought: the real problem was that he'd be lucky if heartbreak was the worst result.

Raiden was sure that if Takeo or any of the other young guardsmen knew about the Fire Lord's recent behavior, (and they would probably know soon), they would say it was impossible for any man to resist advances from a woman as desirable as Azula, especially if you were in love with her. But Raiden thought that was just silly. Of course it was possible to make considered, rational decisions about the opposite sex. Keeping one's pants buttoned was not a heroic feat of self-restraint. In fact, after two years of working alongside Azula, the captain had grown so used to resisting that urge that he no longer felt it as an impetus toward action. His attraction to her was just an ache, one that wasn't even entirely unpleasant.

What would it take to make him decide it was finally safe to give in to his feelings? He wasn't sure. He trusted himself to know it if it happened. In the meantime, he resolved to let go of the outcome and simply enjoy their increasingly flirtatious friendship.

Disturbed by her dream, and disappointed by Raiden's reaction to her proffered hand the night before, Azula was determined to make sure that he had not felt pressured in any way. Before they began their planned archery lesson the following day, she pulled him aside and spoke seriously.

"Raiden, I hope you know that you can always speak up if you feel uncomfortable with any action I'm taking. Internationally, domestically, personally. I depend on you for that, in fact." Her voice grew soft and her eyes pleaded with him. She was putting the onus on him, which might not be fair, but she wasn't ready to take Chibi's advice and ask him directly.

"I know that," Raiden assured her. "I'm perfectly comfortable. I've disagreed with you in the past without you raining fire on me." He gave her a crooked smile.

"Good." She nodded stoutly, shoulders relaxing. "I trust you, and I want you to be able to trust me, as well."

"That's what friends are for," he agreed.

The pointed use of that word was as good as a rejection. Or was it? This was maddening.

"I don't want to practice archery today," she declared, turning away and moving toward the practice gym instead.

"Are you quitting so soon?" he asked, following her. She thought she could hear disappointment in his voice.

"No. I'll continue archery training another day, but today what I really need is hand-to-hand combat practice." She pushed open the door, and went right for the boxing equipment in the corner.

"Oh?"

"I've decided not to use firebending as an outlet for my aggression anymore," she explained. "Since our visit to the dragons, my connection to the element has seemed to depend on bending only when I feel centered and in control."

"That must be a wise choice. And archery is not an art that allows for unrestrained exertion. May I ask—"

She shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it. I just want to hit something." She tossed him a padded training shield, and put on a pair of boxing gloves.

Raiden held the shield, providing her with a target, while she punched and kicked. They got into a rhythm. Jab, cross, hook. Jab, uppercut, knee, side kick. Repeat on the other side. She pushed all of her frustration into her fists, and he took it, offering occasional grunts and murmurs of encouragement. He had to brace himself low to keep from falling over at the force of her punches, but despite his strong stance, after a few minutes they found that she had pushed him halfway across the room. She was working up a sweat, and he was barely expending any energy. Azula found that disparity just as exasperating as the word 'friend.'

It was completely unsatisfying to have him simply absorb her punches without throwing any of his own, she decided. She wanted Raiden to participate, to be just as engaged in this exercise as she was.

She stepped back and beckoned him with her glove. "Hit me."

In his shock, he reverted to an old habit and began, "My lo–" only to catch her glare, cutting him off. His slip made her want to pull rank and order him to fight her, but she restrained herself. Instead, she goaded him. She grabbed the padded shield out of his hands, and stalked to the equipment cabinet. She put the shield down and picked up another pair of gloves, which she tossed his way.

"Only chance to test yourself against me," she challenged him, dancing on her toes. "No weapons, no bending. Take the first shot."

"Let's wear helmets too," he stipulated, after considering a moment, and she agreed. They pulled padded leather helmets out of the cabinet and tied them under their chins.

"First blood or knock down wins," she set the rules as he followed her back to the middle of the room.

They circled, waving their fists. She tapped his chest, taunting. Both swung tentatively, neither wanting to hurt the other. After a full minute he aimed a hard hook at her ear, but telegraphed, so that she could easily dodge him. She made a similar move, kicking at his shins to trip him, but moving slowly enough that he kept his feet. They began trading hits, blocking and ducking, batting away each others' punches, or absorbing them with their forearms.

Azula found this hesitation just as frustrating as his earlier disengagement. Why won't he hit me? Her anger got the better of her.

She feinted a sock in the stomach, only to make him drop his arms from protecting his face. Then, moving with her characteristic speed, she slammed her fist into his chin, so that red bloomed on his lower lip, signaling her victory. As soon as she saw his blood, Azula felt horrified with herself. She'd won, but at what cost? What have I done?

Raiden wiped his mouth with his forearm and saw the smear of blood: he'd lost. Then he looked up and saw Azula's reaction. She looked stricken, as if she had just accidentally injured a baby animal. It was an insult for her to treat him that way; he had agreed to spar knowing a minor injury like this could happen. I am a battle-tested warrior, the equal of any bender, he reminded himself. Just because she was the strongest firebender in the world didn't mean he could not be a match for her, and now he was determined to prove it. Anything would be better than for her to think he was fragile.

"This is nothing," he declared, nonchalant, touching his other forearm to his lip. There wasn't much blood at all. "Best of three," he challenged, beckoning her forward. She looked doubtful, so that he raised his voice. "Come on! I'm not afraid of you."

Startled and intrigued, Azula came back into the ring. He charged her and she met him with equal force, rather than dodging. They fought fiercely this time, neither holding back anymore. He had seen her practice before, but until she was flitting around him, just out of reach, he had no conception of how fast she was. He managed to land one shot on her cheek, causing a moment of dread, but she just shook her head to clear it, grinned, and kicked him in the ribs.

After a fraught and thrilling minute of engagement, Raiden saw an opening. He punched her right shoulder, knocking her off balance. As she wavered, he hooked his foot behind her ankle, making her fall backward. Her back hit the ground, knocking the breath out of her. He'd won the point.

"All right?" he panted, masking his nervousness at defeating the Fire Lord.

"Never better," she answered, grinning up at him. "Congratulations, Captain." She reached her hand up for his help, and he pulled her to her feet. "Shall we call it a draw?" she proposed.

"Gladly," he answered, taking off his gloves.

"Do you need to see Yoroh the healer?" She gestured to her mouth. Raiden checked the sore spot. It was tender, and would be swollen, but his lip was no more bruised than after a heated makeout session. He shook his head, both to answer her, and to rid it of that image.

"I hope that practice wasn't too intense for you," she murmured apprehensively.

"Don't be ridiculous," he scoffed. "I'm used to sparring with men twice your size. It was a good way for you to get your feelings out. Good for us both," he corrected himself. He had been safe the entire time. He hadn't feared serious injury, or getting thrown in jail if he hurt or offended her. Did that mean pursuing Azula would be safe, after all? He still wasn't sure.

"And I hope you know," he added carefully. "If you ever have something you want to tell me or ask me, you can say it directly. No need to turn it into a boxing match." Even though he had no clue what he would do if she professed her love, or, more likely, propositioned him, it would be preferable to this torturous flirting. Maybe her words would make his choice clear.

But she appeared offended at his implication. "Of course I know that. I always speak freely with you, Raiden. That was just hand-to-hand combat practice. Like you said, I needed to get my feelings out."

"Sometimes that's the best way," he answered. When she looked quizzical, he explained, but her serious stare dissolved his honesty into awkward, disconnected phrases. "With your body, I mean. Express your feelings. Easier than….words."

She swallowed and looked at his lips. "Indeed. Well, I have to clean up before my meetings begin for the day. I'll see you for dinner?"

He nodded dumbly and she left.

Over dinner that night they chatted as usual about politics and music. After a lull in the conversation, Azula brought up an unexpected topic.

"I never did ask you what happened to your ex-girlfriend. The one who was captured at the Western Oasis."

"Oh, Akane." Raiden blinked in surprise. "She's well, last I heard. I met up with her when she was in the capital recovering."

"Had she been injured or mistreated?" A hint of concern wrinkled the Fire Lord's forehead.

"Not really, just underfed. All of the soldiers who had been captured were examined in hospitals and given at least two weeks of R & R."

"Yes, I remember. I'm glad to hear that Fong didn't make her suffer." Satisfied, Azula pivoted, making her question more personal. "Was Akane your first girlfriend?"

"No." He blushed and looked at his plate. "Before I met her, I dated a lot of girls. Nothing serious."

"Oh. What was that like? Having casual relationships?" she asked innocently. It made him wonder if she was considering a casual relationship of her own, with him.

He shrugged, put that consideration aside and answered honestly. "Interesting, but ultimately, unsatisfying."

"And that was why you pursued a longer, deeper relationship with Akane," Azula guessed, and he nodded. "You were together eight months, you said?"

"Yes." Raiden was surprised she remembered. If she could recall details like that, then she should have also remembered that on Ember Island he had confessed to kissing over two dozen women. Was she pretending ignorance to draw him out and get information about his love life? Why was she so interested?

"And what did you like about Akane?" Azula pressed.

Her questions were getting very personal, but he answered them anyway. He was more flattered than put off by her curiosity. "She could keep up with me. She was adventurous. We had fun together. But I guess in the end my feelings for her were more friendly than romantic."

The Fire Lord's eyes were keen on him as she asked a crucial question. "What do you think makes that difference?"

"Attraction, I suppose. A spark."

"You had that in your casual relationships, but not with Akane?" Azula pushed.

"No, not really." He frowned, unsure how to explain his teenage indiscretions. The truth was that he hadn't known what attraction really felt like until the day he met his monarch. But of course he couldn't say that, so he mused about his past instead. "It's easy to mistake the appeal of novelty for real attraction, especially when you're young. But that's all those girls were, one shiny new doll after another. And I knew it wasn't right to treat women that way, so I stopped."

Azula shrugged. She seemed not to feel even a hint of female solidarity with the girls he had dated and discarded. "I'm sure they enjoyed themselves."

Raiden could feel his face heating up and took a long drink of his water. It wasn't fair for her to be the only one to ask personal questions, he decided. "What about you and the Avatar?"

She shook her head, looking down at her lap as if this topic was difficult for her. "Aang never had any romantic feelings for me. I pursued him desperately because I thought I could change that, and was convinced I couldn't be happy without him." Then she lifted her eyes to his, lips quirking flirtatiously. "But I've recently realized that Aang is not the only man alive."

Raiden's hackles rose. Before, when he was sure he didn't have a chance with her, it didn't bother him to be overlooked. But now that a relationship was a real possibility, the fact that he had loved Azula silently for almost two years, while she failed to notice that he was a man at all, felt slightly humiliating.

"That's a recent realization?"

His tone must have betrayed his bitterness, because she blinked, and pouted a second before explaining herself. "My foolish obsession with Aang made me like an ostrich horse with blinkers on, unable to see what was right in front of me."

He relented, letting his resentment melt away. If she could admit she was wrong to disregard him, he could forgive her for it. "Right next to you, you mean," he corrected her. Pedantry was a convenient way to change the subject.

"Excuse me?" Her forehead wrinkled in confusion.

"An ostrich horse with blinkers on can see what's in front of it perfectly well." Raiden put his hands to his temples, demonstrating. "It can't see what's next to it. By its side."

"Ah. You're right. I couldn't see what was by my side." She pushed back her chair, preparing to stand. "I think I'll skip the library tonight and retire early. Will you walk me to my room?"

They walked quietly through the halls, side by side. He thought he could sense some nervous energy or agitation in her. Finally they stopped at her door.

Eyes pleading with his, she held up her hand again. He considered refusing it, but could not bring himself to be so cruel, or to give up a chance to kiss this one part of her that was allowed him. No, he would use this moment to make her want him even more.

Slowly, he lowered his head, holding her gaze the whole time, hesitating a moment before touching the top of her ring finger with his lips. He shut his eyes an instant to savor the contact, opening his lips, making them soft and pillowy as they embraced her knuckle, then looked back at her as he straightened back up.

It worked: she was breathless and hungry, hanging on the electric connection between their bodies. As if determined not to let him get away, her fingers squeezed his, pulling him in as she took a step closer.

"Thank you, Raiden, for all you do," she murmured, looking up into his face. Then she slowly closed her eyes, tipped her chin up, and parted her lips.

Toe to toe, they lingered in his indecision for a long, suspended moment. The sight of Azula's red mouth waiting for his kiss was almost too beautiful to bear. He knew now that she really did like him. And she appealed to him in just the right way: her expression of gratitude nearly melted his resistance.

But still he held back. Maybe it was because his ego was bruised. Maybe, consciously or not, fairly or not, he wanted to punish her for remaining oblivious to him so long, to let her taste a bit of what his one-sided attraction had felt like. Maybe he was still wary of her instability. Whatever he needed to hear from her, he hadn't heard it yet, because his doubt still outweighed his desire.

He stepped away, squeezing her fingers and bringing his other hand to cover them briefly. It hurt him to deny himself the pleasure of her embrace, surely much more than this rebuff hurt her. He gave her a smile that probably looked slightly pained, as he nodded and retreated.

Azula burst into frustrated tears as soon as the door closed behind her. He doesn't like me! It was mortifying to throw herself at Raiden this way, to wait with eyes closed for a kiss that didn't come. What did she do wrong?

She sank straight to the floor in lotus position, hoping the meditative pose would help her find wisdom. Upon reflection, she wasn't entirely proud of the way she'd acted today. Before their practice, she got angry when the captain said the word 'friends,' forgetting that she was not entitled to his affections. She had to remind herself again of that fact now. No matter how much it might have felt like he was encouraging her, looking up at her through his lashes as he kissed her hand, she had no right to expect or demand him to care for her. He had made her no promises.

That ill-conceived anger had spurred her to dare him to fight. She had put him in an unfair position. He must have been nervous to box his employer. She wouldn't do anything like that to him again.

Nevertheless, Raiden had risen to the challenge magnificently. Their sparring session had set her afire with passion. When he declared that he wasn't afraid of her, his intensity had mesmerized her. How had he known that was exactly what she had needed to hear? As they boxed, his body in action had been pure poetry. It had given her a hint of the way they might move together in more intimate entanglements. Lying on her back, toppled, she had looked up at him and seen the sublime.

And then her inexperience made her flub their dinner. First she played inquisitor, asking increasingly personal questions, then unintentionally insulted him. She had meant the implicit comparison to the Avatar as a compliment, but it fell flat because she was still bad at flirting. She tried to explain it with that analogy about the ostrich horse with blinders on, and he seemed to accept it, but maybe he was still stewing.

Azula had pushed too hard, and now Raiden was probably laughing at her inept flirtations. He wasn't leading her on at all, he was just delaying, looking for a way to let her down easy. It was especially frustrating because after today, she liked him more than ever.

Surely the captain felt something, too. It couldn't be all in her head. He went above and beyond the call of duty to serve her, as he had pointed out when they were locked in the Sun Warriors' trap. When they looked at each other lately, there was a tension that she had never experienced with Aang, who had now become her touchstone for unreciprocated desire. There had been true ardor in that first kiss on her hand, after they returned from visiting the dragons. She hadn't imagined that. That kiss was what had awoken this yearning in her. She probably would have continued blithely ignoring his attractions if he never brought her hand to his lips that first time. And now he was acting like he hadn't started this. It felt so unfair!

She took more deep breaths, reminding herself that Raiden had done nothing wrong. This was not a question of justice, but of the heart. Something she knew absolutely nothing about.

What now? Giving up on Raiden was unthinkable. And premature, Azula decided. After all, he had not refused her definitively, not yet. He'd given her just as many positive signals as negative ones. Maybe he was playing hard to get, though she couldn't imagine why. She considered just kissing him, but that would be too much like what she'd done to Aang. She didn't want to force herself on him if he was unwilling. She thought about asking him directly, the way Chibi had advised, and the way he himself had suggested. But his refusal of her kiss had shattered the confidence she would have needed to make such a bold move.

Her current strategy had failed, so she needed a new one. When she was pursuing Aang, she had changed tactics, from kidnapping plot to benevolent leadership. It hadn't really worked, Aang still married Katara, but she remained convinced that this crucial change of direction—one Raiden had suggested himself—had been her saving grace, the only reason she was this close to happiness. Now, she had to make a similar shift.

She needed to release Raiden, to stop chasing him this way. No more over-the-top flirtation, sparring, fraught questions over dinner, or hand kisses by her bedroom door.

Instead, Azula would simply put the captain in a situation where he had to speak up and voice his feelings, or lose her.

A plan started to come together in her head. Tomorrow, she decided, I'll call the party planners.

Author's Note: What do you think will happen next? Tell me in a review! I'll update in a week!