Harry was questioned by a posse of Slytherin girls, led for some weird reason by Daphne Greengrass as they waited for Hagrid down by the forest for Care of Magical Creatures.
"Potter, the most ridiculous rumours are circulating" she said.
Harry nodded "This is Hogwarts." he agreed. Greengrass frowned, clearly not impressed with Harry's sarcasm.
"The story is that you died, and the … he-who-shall-not-be-named was defeated, again?" she said.
"Yeah" said Harry "I've got my note for missing Defence, due to being dead, and he really did get defeated. Permanently this time. And no need for a long messy war. I'm looking forward to only the usual number of nightmares next year."
"If you'd died, you'd be dead" said Greengrass crossly "Don't exaggerate."
"Professor Dumbledore had some small black stone thing" said Harry, shrugging. "It was supposed to be a few seconds, then shocked back to life, but that failed." he added.
"A stone… that brings people back to life" said Greengrass "I'm not six. Everyone knows there's no such thing as the Deathly Hallows. If there was a perfect invisibility cloak, or an unbeatable wand, everyone would know" she said surely.
"It is a kid's story, Harry" said Ron helpfully.
"The Stone's mine, according to the letter Mr Black wrote" said Harry "And the cloak I got from my dad."
"Well I'm still not marrying you!" said Daphne, putting her nose in the air.
"Okay" said Harry blandly, and waited for Hagrid.
Hagrid turned up with a bucket of bloody meat.
"We're going to be studying Thestrals today" said Hagrid, grinning around his bushy beard "Misunderstood creatures Thestrals. Fairly harmless really, but people think they're evil, just cos you have to have seen death to see Thestrals.
Hagrid walked off into the forest bordering the school with the bucket, to emerge, a minute or two later, followed by leathery, draconic, skeletal horses, which Hagrid fed bloody meat to.
"Now, them that can't see the Thestrals" said Hagrid "Go to my left, and I'll lead one over, so you can feel it. Them that can see them, to my right, and get your notebook out and take notes, and sketch them if you can draw."
Harry slowly moved right of Hagrid, along with a bit less than a quarter of the class. He walked closer to the Thestrals, one of which sniffed, and its head came up, and it pushed forward, stopping just inches from Harry, snorting and sniffing.
"Oh, that one seems to have taken a shine to Harry" said Hagrid cheerfully.
"Hello" said Harry and the Thestral snorted heavily through huge nostrils, covering Harry from head to foot in Thestral snot.
"Bloody hell" said Ron "Harry's covered in bogies"
The majority of the class, to Hagrid's left stared at Harry Potter, standing, hands faintly forwards, covered from head to foot in slimy mucus.
"Never seen that happen before" said Hagrid "You all right Harry?"
"Just a bit bogied up" said Harry, trying to sound casual.
"Hermione" said Hagrid "do you know a cleaning charm, to get the Thestral bogies off Harry there?"
"Er I think so, Professor Hagrid" said Hermione and cast a spell that sounded like 'scourgify' on Harry that got most of the snot off Harry.
"Where's – the Thestral that did that Harry?" asked Hermione nervously.
"Right in front of me" said Harry "Their eyes are milky white and staring. Come over to my right, and I'll get your hand on its neck" Harry offered. Hermione did, tentatively.
"It feels warm" said Hermione "But I can't see it!"
"Okay, we're gonna stroke it" said Harry, and he guided Hermiones' hand up and down the reptilian neck.
-==0==-
The next Hogsmeade weekend, Harry was getting into a carriage, when Daphne Greengrass piped up from nearby "I'm not going to Hogsmeade with you Potter."
Harry turned and addressed the Slytherin, who looked… well, pretty enough, he supposed. "Sure" said Harry "I didn't ask you, and we don't know each other."
"But you would" said Greengrass quickly "If it wasn't for the Slytherin-Gryffindor thing."
Harry frowned. "Not really" he admitted "I don't see why. I mean… Mr Black said things, but…. I don't see why I have to."
Daphne Greengrass blinked, her blue eyes narrowing "You don't want to go to Hogsmeade with me, given what you know?" she asked.
"I would usually go with Hermione and Ron, but they're arguing this weekend, so I'll go on my own." said Harry.
Harry turned and got into the Thestral-drawn carriage, and sat down, to be followed by Daphne Greengrass, who sat opposite Harry.
Harry sat quietly as the carriage rolled down to Hogsmeade.
"Aren't you going to make small-talk with me ?" asked Daphne Greengrass.
Harry shrugged "Why?" he asked. "Just because some time traveller says stuff, I'm not going to do what he did."
"You're your own man" she said nodding. "That's a good attitude. Who would you rather go with?"
Harry frowned as he thought "Um… nobody?" he asked. "I mean Hermione and Ron are my friends, so there's that. But not this weekend."
Daphne Greengrass looked confused "Nobody?" she asked.
"Don't feel very interested in girls right now" Harry admitted. "I mean, you're pretty enough, I suppose, but I'm just not feeling it."
There was a long silence.
"Why would you want your button hissed at?" asked Harry "He said you liked that? I asked Hermione and she went all red."
Daphne Greengrass's neck went red, her face still pale. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before saying "I don't think I feel comfortable explaining that" and looked out the window.
Harry shrugged and sat in the carriage as the Thestral pulled it along towards Hogsmeade, and hopefully, chocolate.
Harry got out when it stopped and went to Honeydukes, and bought a small chocolate bar, and exited, tailed by Daphne Greengrass.
"What are you doing" she asked.
"I'm about to eat chocolate" explained Harry "It's very complicated, you unwrap the chocolate" Harry demonstrated "Then you break off some" He did that too "And then eat it."
Harry popped a square of chocolate into his mouth and chewed once, then stopped, his eyes bulging. "Bugger, it tastes like soap" he mumbled "Gotta go" he said, jamming the chocolate bar in his coat pocket, spitting out the masticated chocolate and dashing for where the Hogwarts carriages stopped.
Daphne Greengrass, not a stupid girl, bought an identical bar, and ate a square. It tasted like pretty good chocolate to her. Potter was being weird. Such an attention seeker.
Harry Potter headed back to Hogwarts and raced up the great stairs to the seventh floor and went to the Headmasters staircase, telling the Gargoyle "Please, open up it's very important."
Harry shoved the door open and interrupted the Headmaster in mid-letter.
"Harry?" said Professor Dumbledore "What brings you here in such a hurry on a Hogsmeade weekend?"
"Chocolate" said Harry, taking the bar out of his coat and tossing it onto the Headmasters desk.
"Don't mind if I do" said Headmaster Dumbledore, taking a piece and savouring it. "As much as I appreciate a good chocolate bar, I am rather busy."
"It tastes like soap" said Harry. "And tea this morning tasted like warm water. And … porridge tasted like wet sawdust."
"I find it does need a pinch of salt, some sugar and honey" said Professor Dumbledore.
"Professor… since I woke up in the infirmary. Nothing tastes of anything. And… I was talking to a girl, and she basically asked me out… and I felt nothing" said Harry urgently.
"Well. Harry, I'm not sure you know but, some people, don't like girls, it's perfectly natural" said Professor Dumbledore evenly.
"Sir!" said Harry loudly "I liked girls last week. Even Greengrass, she's prettier than some, but I just don't CARE. How did you get me back to life?"
"Er" said the Headmaster, pulling on his beard "Bother" he said.
"Bother?" asked Harry "Food has no taste, girls… I just don't care. What's gone wrong?"
"I ah..." said the Headmaster, opening a desk drawer, he took out a small black stone, and put it on the desk. The morning light caught the surface, where there was a pattern of scratches. A circle, a line and a triangle, each atop the other. Well, if you used your imagination.
"This is the resurrection stone. One of the Deathly Hallows of fable" said the Headmaster.
"Don't know that one" admitted Harry "Is this the stone? The letter said it was mine."
"Ah. Well it suppose… as your uncle… it might well be" admitted Professor Dumbledore.
Harry leaned over picked it up. It was heavy for it's size.
"Harry" said Professor Dumbledore "Be careful not to roll it backwards three times. That's putting the spirit it raised to rest. Forward three times to raise them, as you're the spirit raised… it might be fatal."
"Again" said Harry "Professor, am I still dead?"
"I fear" said Professor Dumbledore "That the stone, while effective, doesn't completely return you to the land of the living. I'm terribly sorry Harry. If it's any consolation, your sacrifice has saved unknowable numbers of lives. The coming war may be averted."
"Not much help to me" said Harry grimly "Seeing as how I'm dead. Do I even have to eat? I need to sleep."
"I fear" said Professor Dumbledore "That you need to eat, even if you will find no pleasure in it."
"If you will excuse me" said Harry stiffly "I'm going off to contemplate … not-quite living a long time. At least I still find my friends good to be around. So I've got that going for me, which is nice."
With that, Harry left Professor Dumbledore with a quarter eaten small bar of Honeydukes choc-crunch.
Harry went back to Hogsmeade, stone in his smallest jeans pocket, and bought some quills and parchment. There would still be assignments in this particular afterlife. He ignored The Three Broomsticks, and went back to school, and wandered around, trying to think. All he could do thought, was the headmaster saying "Your sacrifice has saved – "
Harry choked down some potatoes for dinner, washed down with water, and went to dorms. Ron thrashed him at chess twice, and Harry went to bed. He had a perverse inclination to sleep on top of his blankets, arms folded over his chest like a corpse, but resisted it.
The next morning, he woke up to a nightmare, of Voldemort's resurrection in the graveyard.
He lay, half asleep thinking about that. He had an enemy, Draco Malfoy. His father was buried at Godric's Hollow, he assumed. He didn't have a servant, and even if he did, it was Hedwig, he wasn't cutting up Hedwig.
Hermione had worked out something was up by the end of breakfast, Harry ignoring bacon and eating a bowl of porridge with water.
"Harry, what's upset you?" asked Hermione.
"I'm not upset" said Harry tightly.
An hour later, Hermione cornered him in the common room with help from Ron.
"What's going on mate?" asked Ron.
Harry went off to a nearby unused classroom and sat on a desk.
He explained. Hermione went greenish, and Ron asked "So you've got the stone then?"
Harry took it out of his pocket and handed it over.
Ron rolled it three times and Harry fell over like a puppet with the strings cut.
Harry woke up lying on the floor of the classroom, and Ron had a nasty slap mark on his face. Hermione finished rolling a small stone and handed it to Harry.
"Harry, keep this safe" she said, and glared at Ron.
"Oh come on" said Ron "We had to do that experiment!"
"I've got an idea" said Harry "How to fix it."
So he explained about Voldemort's resurrection ritual.
"But you don't know what was in the cauldron" asked Hermione.
"Some potion" Harry agreed "The book was probably at their base."
"Oh… Little Hangleton" said Hermione.
"Pettigrew is probably there" said Ron thoughtfully. "Owl Sirius."
"And that's the last problem" admitted Harry "Flesh of the servant, freely given, I'm not using Hedwig."
"She can't freely given," said Hermione. "You'd need a servant that can think for themselves."
"Like that crazy house elf" said Ron, with a nod.
"Is he actually a genius?" asked Hermione, "Because if he is, I'm going to be sick." Ron looked indignant.
"He gets E's" said Harry "And you've seen how much work he does, so… he might be."
"Harry, you get E's." said Hermione dismissively. Harry didn't bother explaining that while not an O, like Hermione collected, an E was a pretty impressive exam mark.
Sirius apparently gleefully captured Peter Pettigrew, at Voldemort's old house and owl-posted Harry a shrunken bundle of books.
Dobby the house-elf was prepared to cut his hand off immediately.
Hermione discreetly asked Madam Pomfrey about healing from amputations.
There was a potion, to soak stumps in, sooner was better, but it was dreadfully difficult.
Hermione and Harry organised, as they had in the past, to steal the ingredients from Snape's private stores.
And got caught. Ron had been lookout, but Snape had already been in there, lurking in a dark corner.
"What are you doing?" Snape asked Hermione. Being Hermione, she explained.
"Nonsense" said Snape, and cast a spell on Harry. A pink ball, which turned black when it hit him.
"You foolish idiotic boy" snapped Snape, sounding incensed.
Weirdly, he proceeded to get out a cauldron, and start making a potion "The limb regeneration potion will take a week. There's no point in maiming a house-elf now. Unable to work it will probably perish."
"You're helping?" asked Harry.
"I promised to protect you, and leaving you undead hardly counts" said Snape "Granger, mash fifteen rat-spleens."
Saturday a week later came and Snape was happy with a goopy green potion, which he claimed was a particularly good limb regeneration potion.
He'd also sourced a used bathtub, and rested it on bricks over a charmed fire, and was making a silvery potion in it.
"Potter, get in" said Snape.
Harry stripped naked, covering his rude parts with his hands and feeling embarrassed, and sat in the silvery liquid. It was warm, and tickled.
Harry recited the ritual, and when Harry got to "Bone of the father," Snape pulled a sheet off a yellow-brown thighbone and threw it into the potion. Harry tried not to sick up. His father's leg bone. Snape had clearly dug up… his parents grave. Bastard.
Harry got to "Flesh of the servant" and Dobby cut his hand off and it dropped in, then stuck his bleeding stump into the green goo, which sizzled as the blood touched it.
Harry got to "Blood of the enemy" and Hermione poured in a beaker of blood.
"Where is he?" asked Harry, but then the potion boiled and he slid under.
Harry woke up, in a warm bath, and stood up. He was naked and Hermione was staring at the wall.
"Um… a robe?" Harry asked, and Dobby levitated Harry's school robes over.
Harry stepped out, and the floor was cold.
After reassuring Hermione that yes, he really was clothed, he got a chance to put some shoes and socks on.
Professor Snape was vanishing the potion, and Dobby was flexing his regrown hand. It looked a little pink and puffy, but was clearly still a house-elf's hand.
"Master is truly great" said Dobby. "I mean, Great Wizard Harry Potter Sir" he corrected himself.
"Well, time to test it" said Ron, handing over a chocolate frog. Harry unwrapped it, and grabbed the brown amphibian before it bolted, and bit into it. It tasted sweet and delicious.
"I can taste food!" Harry said enthusiastically. "I'm cured!"
"Hopefully he continues to be a neuter" said Snape bitterly. Ron couldn't help snorting.
With a bit of awkward nodding to Snape, Harry, Ron and Hermione left the dungeons and went back to dorms. It was nearly time for dinner, but Harry wanted to put on clean socks. The grit from the dungeon floor itched.
Dinner was, as usual, a huge meal, lots of roast beef, baked potatoes, pumpkins, pumpkin juice, pumpkin pasties, and gravy, and Harry took a small serving of everything and ate it. Very slowly, chewing and enjoying the flavours.
For dessert there was treacle tart, Harry's favourite. He took a slice and ate it very philosophically.
"I'm glad" he said "I've got such good friends."
He looked up and over the hall, in the Slytherin seats, he saw the blonde hair of Daphne Greengrass. She was eating … not treacle tart. He smiled, she wasn't looking.
The odd dream Harry woke from on Monday morning, needing a shower, convinced him he was cured of the other problem too.
He nabbed one of the Weasley twins after dinner for a conversation.
"Harry" said Forge.
"I need to talk to someone adult, but accessible" said Harry "You fit the bill, seems to me."
Harry was taken off by Forge, or Gred, he could not tell, to a distant corridor, where a secret door behind a statue of a cross-eyed archer, opened by putting a conjured arrow in the bow, Harry was led in.
The room was small, and had a potions bench, and some used easy chairs.
"Harry" said Forge, and shut the door.
"Someone told me something adult, and I don't understand. Every time I ask someone who should know, they go red in the face." said Harry.
"Ask away, Harry my better-looking adopted brother" said Forge.
"I was told that a girl likes having her button hissed. What does that mean?" asked Harry.
Forge went red in the face. "Blimey" they said "That's pretty adult, all right." Gred coughed.
Forge then, with the aid of a convenient Play-witch magazine pointed out where a button might be found, in general, "It's a bit tricky" said Forge "I can't say I know much about this sort of thing, but Bill did say it's there, ish, and you need to find it on any given witch. Licking, that I understand.
"Licking?" asked Harry, and twenty red-faced minutes later, had an academic concept of licking, as applied to pleasing witches. "And obviously, they can lick you too" said Forge "It's said in the magazine that willies can be sucked. In the letters to the editor, but I think they're works of fiction."
Harry, who was worried his face would get permanently burnt from blushing by now, nodded.
"Harry, hissing probably refers to parseltounge" said Forge.
Harry nodded, and drew his wand and cast serpensatoria. The black snake, once Harry had said "$Sit Still please$" to it, sat contentedly enough.
Forge squatted and eyed Harry's head "do it again?" he asked, then wolf-whistled. "Wow" said Forge "Your tongue turns into a snakes tongue when you do that. Bet that tickles. Hissing her button. Wow. Whoever told you that?"
"Um... this wizard I met who could speak Parseltounge" said Harry.
"Not you-know-who" asked Forge.
"Certainly not" said Harry. 'He only ever tried to kill me, not give me tips."
"And lastly, that better not be my little sister you're hissing" said Forge.
"Um... no" said Harry brightly "You don't know her."
"Well, anyway, you're gonna need to learn this charm" said Forge, and four hours later, Harry could cast a contraception charm. And was given notes, with wand movements to cast the charm.
Before Harry vanished the snake, he tried kissing his own hand and hissing at the same time. It tickled. Harry vanished the snake.
"Harry" said Forge, shaking his head "just… don't go rampaging across the witches of Hogwarts. That looks like an unfair advantage in the battle of the sexes."
-==0==-