Chapter 14

Ana

I hurry into the store as I see the last lingering customers trickle out. This kind of news is for closing time. "Iris!"

She quickly rises from where she was kneeling behind the counter. "Ana? What is it?"

"I have the most wild news."

She cups her cheeks. "Well, tell me! The suspense is too much!"

"I've been having a devil of a time trying to find a contractor. Everyone and their brother is booked out months in advance, and I hate to leave this project just sitting and waiting. Turns out, my best friend's husband Elliot owns his own construction company, and a project of his just fell through. They can begin knocking this wall out on Monday!"

"Monday?! Goodness gracious, that's awfully soon! Where shall I store the books while all of this is going on?"

"Don't worry, I've thought about that. I've already rented out a nice weather-controlled storage unit a few blocks from here where we can store al your merchandise. I took the liberty of hiring movers for Sunday, when you're closed anyway."

"Movers? So we don't have to do a thing?"

"Nope, we hire big strong men to do things like haul books and knock out walls," I giggle.

"My word, I can't believe it's really happening. If you had told me five years ago what my little business was becoming now, I'd think I'd have died and gone to heaven."

"Well, you're very much alive and kicking, I promise."

"How long will construction take?"

"If all goes smoothly, it should be around a month. We'll have plenty to do until then, planning menus and themes and picking out décor and all that."

She shakes her head, smiling softly with tears forming in her eyes. "Well, this just made my whole week. That, and the fact that this is the first time I've seen you smile in what feels like months."

The blood rushes to my cheeks. "What do you mean?"

"You've just seemed a little… down lately."

I look down, somewhat unnerved that my melancholy has been so obvious. "I've just had a lot on my mind."

"And that's easing up?" she asks gently.

I stare down at my hands for a moment, twisting my engagement ring a few times. "I'm going to look at an apartment later."

"Apartment? Don't you…" she trails off, her eyes widening. "You love someone else."

"What? No!" Someone else. I do feel a pang at the thought of someone else, someone who I haven't spoken to in a couple of weeks and who I last saw staring broodingly into a cup of coffee while studiously ignoring me. "I just need space from the whole situation."

"The situation being your fiancé?"

"Yes."

She nods sympathetically, taking one of my hands and patting it maternally. "Well… relationships are hard. Marriage is even harder. But you know, through it all, there was never a day in my life that I felt like I would be better off away from Stan. I think when it's really right, every cell in your body knows it. Your mind, your heart, your… other things…" She smiles mischievously, and then laughs as my jaw drops.

"Iris!" I splutter.

"Oh, come now, dear, I have children. You know how women become mothers, don't you?"

"Yes, I've heard something about that," I say, shaking my head.

"Well, what I mean is, it seems like your body is telling you something different. And if that's the case, you're right to take your space."

"Thank you for the advice. Is it in your blood to mother everyone you come into contact with?"

She laughs. "What do you think your mother might say?"

Now that I don't know. We haven't talked for a bit. I've been so busy trying to figure out what to do with my life, I've barely called anyone back. I've probably been a rotten friend lately. My mother, the free spirit… "I think she just wants me to be happy, whatever decisions I make. Her love life has been anything but a straightforward experience. I think she would have grace for this stuff I'm going through."

"I hope so. I hope you do too."

"I'm trying. Well, I have to get to an appointment. I'll see you at the move?"

"I suppose so. Bye, Ana!" She waves joyfully from the counter as I walk away.

I pull my phone out and check it as I hurry down the street. Luckily, this building is just a few blocks away. I see that I have another missed call from Kate, and I feel my absentmindedness start to disappear. She's called me several times, and we've never even gotten a chance to speak at all since I last saw her at my house. Well, now is as good a time as any…

She answers on the first ring. "Ana? God, is that you? Promise?"

"Yes, yes, it's me. Hey. I'm so sorry, my mind has been everywhere, I just haven't had the space to call."

"And I've been worried sick about you! Jesus, I thought he locked you up or something."

"No, he didn't. In fact… I'll be a lot more on my own pretty soon."

She's silent for a moment. "What do you mean?"

"I think I'm moving out."

"You're leaving him?"

"I'm talking to him tonight. I think the ball is in his court whether or not this is a break or a breakup. But I think if his behavior lately has been any sign, it's probably a breakup."

"Wow. How do you feel?"

"I guess… resolved. Somewhat relieved. This is what he chose. I'd like to finally choose me."

"You are the only thing that matters here. He made his bed and he can fucking die in it."

I smile at her ferocity. "I have to run into an appointment, can I call you tonight?"

"You'd better."

"I will. I love you."

"I love you more. Bye."

"Bye." I hang up and walk up to the desk, ready to get this most unpleasant of tasks out of the way. "Hi. Anastasia Steele, I have an appointment for 4:00."

The redheaded receptionist smiles. "A nurse will be right with you."

I sit in a chair and try not to bounce my knee. What an ironic time to need to get my birth control refilled. It might not even matter after tonight… This is true, but I'm pretty sure a gap in usage is not great. Besides, there was that one ill-advised tryst of ours… I think Cam's desperate attempt to pretend everything hasn't gone to shit.

I truly don't know what I was thinking. I was hungover and vulnerable. I felt like I had lost Christian, and well, maybe I have. Then again, he's never been mine to lose. And losing an acquaintance, which is what might best describe us given how long we've really known each other, shouldn't feel this raw. Yet I find myself checking my phone just in case he's called, looking over my shoulder just in case he's showed up here, hell, loitering by the windows at my – Cam's – house because I know he knows where I live.

I know I should leave him alone. I know I've probably confused him enough, because despite me trying my darndest not to think of him, I want him. I shouldn't, but I do. I want him around, I want him in my life, and I want him in the worst way, ways that a woman who's on her way to the altar should never want another man. I remember everything, and that includes the bad, but the good was so good.

It doesn't matter! Jesus, even if I do end up single, Christian Grey made it very clear that he does not do relationships, and I know firsthand without a doubt that I am not a submissive. For all I know, he already has a submissive. It's not a fit. It never was, and that more than likely won't change.

But I'd be lying to myself if I said that the way I think about him isn't a factor in this decision.

"Anastasia?" I blink a few times, resurfacing from the depths of my overthinking, and follow the nurse down the hall. "Just pee in here and get your gown on. I'll wait for your sample."

I dutifully pee in a cup, hand it to the smiley nurse, then strip down and don the very drafty gown. I kick my legs and look around the room. This feels like a long wait, but after some time, there's finally a knock at the door. "Anastasia?"

"Yes."

She smiles and holds out her hand. "I'm Dr. Sweeney. So, you're here for your annual exam?"

"Yes, I just need my birth control refilled."

Her smile fades a bit, her face becoming more serious. "Anastasia—"

"Ana, please."

"Ana, I'm afraid we're not going to be able to do that today."

"What? Why not?"

"It seems that you're pregnant."

My mind halts all thought, my breathing stops, and my stomach drops to the floor.

I'm afraid we're not going to be able to do that today. It seems you're pregnant.

It seems you're pregnant.

You're pregnant.

"Ana, are you with me?"

I snap my head up to look up at her, my eyes wide. "There must be a mistake."

"I take it this was a shock?" she says gently, like I'm a cornered animal about to strike.

"You must have used the wrong test. It couldn't have been mine. You read someone else's."

"Are you sexually active?" A response eludes me as I turn white. "I see. Okay, let's ease your mind. I'll grab another and we'll do it right here in the room."

She's in and out in a blur, handing me another cup. I'm surprised my legs don't give out as I walk to the bathroom again, and I'm equally surprised that my hand isn't shaking as I hand her the cup.

She dips the test into the cup and appraises me with a stare. "You know, you have options," she says after a minute.

Options... "I know."

She glances at the clock and picks up the test, handing it to me.

There it is. Two lines. My hand flies over my mouth.

"Have you missed any pills?"

"Uh… not missed, no, but maybe I don't always take them right on the dot."

"Have you had any symptoms? Nausea, fatigue?"

"No, no symptoms."

"We can do a quick transvaginal ultrasound to see how far along you are. If you're okay with that?" I think there aren't many options for how far along I could be, but I nod. The word 'transvaginal' doesn't immediately sink in until I see her slipping a condom over some kind of wand. "Pull your legs back, please."

A wave of panic rolls through me as she turns the machine on. "Would you mind if I don't look?" I gasp.

She nods. "Do whatever you're comfortable with. Would you like me to tell you the gestation?"

"I suppose."

She pokes around in there for a while, for lack of better phrasing. I keep my neck turned in the other direction and try to focus on breathing regularly. I hear strange sounds, some from the machine, and some presumably from… inside me. "Looks like you're about six weeks." She turns the machine off, and I finally look her way. "Do you have any…. support?"

"I know who the father is, if that's what you're asking."

"Are you interested in terminating?"

"I… don't know." Yes. No. Not no. Not yes. Oh, God…

"That's okay. You have time. Why don't you go home and sleep on this, talk to some supports, let it sink in?"

"Okay. Yeah." I slide off the table.

"I'll give you some privacy." She pulls a piece of paper out of her jacket pocket. "Here's my business card. Call if you need any further assistance. And uh, depending on what you decide to do, we may need to schedule a 12-week scan."

Another burst of anxiety surfaces. "Okay."

I'm disoriented when I walk outside. I remember that my car is parked back near the bookstore. It takes all the focus I have to keep my knees from buckling as I walk back that direction. I almost wish I had someone to drive me, and I almost wish I could call… no. Especially not now.

I've been sitting in the fetal position on the couch for I don't know how long. I haven't eaten or drank anything. It's like I'm trying to become one with the furniture, and that will make this terrifying reality go away.

I have tried a few times to place my hand over my lower belly, to see if I feel anything, any sort of connection, any hope at all… all I feel is dread, panic, fear. And completely unprepared. I'm not ready to be a mother. I barely know how to take care of myself these days. I have no idea how to care for a… baby. Especially when I have no partner.

I move my head slightly to look in the direction of the sound when I hear a door open somewhere. "Ana?"

Cam. I had almost completely forgotten the context of today. I asked him to come home at a specific time so we could have a discussion. Of course, he's an hour later than I asked, but I don't know what to do. I was going to lay down the law. I was going to get out. Now I feel barely human. "I'm in here."

My response was so soft, I'm surprised he could hear, but he appears in the doorway of this room. "Are you okay? You look sick." I look at him. His expression is fairly neutral, maybe a bit curious. He leans down in front of me, taking one of my hands. "You feel so cold. I've hardly ever seen you like this. What's going on?"

I'm silent for a few moments as I try to decide what to say, and before I'm really done thinking, the truth slips out. "I'm pregnant."

It's the first time I've said the words out loud, so I feel about as shocked as his expression looks. "You… you're serious?"

"Yes."

To my continued shock, he breaks into a huge smile. "Ana! This is amazing! Holy shit, we're going to be parents?!"

I yank my hand back. "Are you serious right now?" I hiss.

He has the gall to look confused. "What do you mean?"

My body does feel cold, but my blood heats up as his reaction sinks in. I get up and put some distance in between us. "What could there possibly be to celebrate here? You and I have never been worse. I have never felt more estranged from you. I am dying inside just being in a relationship with you, and now we're supposed to add an innocent child into this mix? We can't even keep us together, Cam. We are completely unequipped to take care of a baby."

"Ana, calm down. Those things aren't important. A baby is a good thing. We've talked about wanting kids before."

"Before. Before we moved here. Before everything changed. Before—"

"You mean before he came back into your life?"

I fold my arms over my chest. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You stayed at his house, Ana."

"For fuck's sake. I called you, and you didn't answer! So, I called him, a friend of mine, and I slept in his guest room. I came home immediately in the morning. Don't try to pin this on me. It's not his fault that you're never around and you've completely halted all effort towards this relationship."

He calmly sits on the couch. "You know, I thought having him as an ally in this town would be a good thing. His family is a big name around here. But I think I underestimated whatever you and him had. I've done a little bit of digging into Mr. Grey. Rumor has it, the reason he's never pictured with any women is because he likes them in more compromising positions in private… you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

I feel like I must have entered another dimension to be having this conversation right now. "Honestly, Cam, what he's into is none of my business and it's certainly none of yours. I was up front that we had a relationship that was more than a friendship. We haven't had a relationship in six years. So, what exactly are you saying?"

"I guess I'm saying, it would be a real shame if this information about your close friend got into the wrong hands. But of course, I wouldn't want to upset my future wife and the mother of my child. If that's what you are."

And suddenly, I feel cold again as I realize what's happening. I'm being blackmailed. "Cameron, what the fuck? Who are you? This is so wrong. No. I cannot stay with you, not with the way things have been between us. I've given you my endless patience, empathy, I've fought for us much harder than you have, I've begged you to see that, and you just ignore me. You can't honestly expect me to raise a child by your side."

He walks towards me. I fold my arms protectively around myself, and he puts his hands on my shoulders. "Ana, I love you. I know my priorities have been different lately, and I wish I could tell you everything. Maybe someday I will be able to." What the fuck does that mean? "Honestly, at this point, I want to be a winner. It won't look good for my reputation if my longtime fiancée leaves me at the height of my popularity. Now, if you want to leave, I can't stop you. All I'm saying is, if you leave me, he goes down. If you stay, I'll take care of you and our baby. We'll be a family. You'll find happiness. This is our life now. It's different than before, but we'll adjust."

My eyes water and a tear escapes, rolling down my cheeks. It dawns on me hard and fast that I'm dealing with a complete stranger, corrupted by power and greed. Or maybe this was always lurking beneath the surface and he's finally developed the ego for it to come out. "This is wrong," I whisper.

"Maybe. But I see that I'm losing you, and I can't let that happen. Love is war. So, if you go, it will be my personal mission to smear the reputation of Christian Grey."

I reach up and pry his hands off of me, freeing myself from his grasp. "Why him? Why would you do that?"

"Ana… come on."

"No. Why?"

"Because he loves you."

My brows knit together and my lips part in disbelief. "He doesn't," I reply automatically.

"He does," he retorts. "I've seen him stare at you at every event we've shared. At first, I really didn't get it, like I told you. I thought it must have been a friends with benefits situation at most. He doesn't seem super lovey-dovey. But nope, I was dead wrong. It's obvious. That dude has got it bad for you."

"No," I insist. "You don't know. It was never like that. He was never going to love me. That's one of the reasons we would have never worked out."

"What about you, then? Did you love him?"

"I… I thought I did. But I was so young. It was no time at all." Please don't make me think about this.

"Do you love me?"

"I have loved you for years. You know that. But I don't know who you are anymore. I don't recognize you."

"So, we just have to get to know each other again, then. Which we ought to have time to do as we raise this child."

"Cam, I—"

"What's it going to be, Ana? He goes down, or we go up?"

I shake my head. "You can't be serious. This isn't you."

He shrugs, almost apologetically. "Maybe it is now."

I stand in silence, staring at the floor. I can almost feel the gilded cage coming up around me. I'm stuck. I'm carrying this vindictive man's child. I'm out of options. At least, options that won't betray someone I love.

Love.

It seems that I love him enough to put my own well-being aside. There's nothing more to think about. I know I won't let him be hurt, even if it does me some damage. Even now.

"I'll stay."

For him. For love.

A/N: I know. I know. Don't hate me. It's not the end. Trust me. Stick with me! I'll get the next one to you as fast as my little fingers can type.