Chapter 59: Thwarted morals

Numb silence clouded Izaya's heavy head. He was watching the window and consequently the streets filled with zombies and nightly creatures alike.

Or at least he had thought he was.

"Izaya-" oddly dimmed and quiet the female voice reached his ears and Izaya felt his eyes flicker open.

They had been closed-

As if having been hit by lighting Izaya's body jerked back into motion.

He had fallen asleep- In the middle of his watch-

Almost instantly his gaze traversed the limited space of their hideout. But the library seemed to be intact, there was no movement to be spotted except for some shadows that the candle Kariswa was holding cast onto the walls.

Confused albeit massively relieved he looked at the woman that was kneeling in front of him.

A hand was resting on his shoulder and he realized she had been the one to wake him from his stupid slumber.

Sheepishly as if not quite sure whether or not it was her place to say so she chuckled, "Slept well?"

Izaya snorted. "Ha, ha, very funny. Why didn't you wake me?" Relieved he hadn't taken her words too harsh Karisawa shrugged with a gentle smile on her lips.

"You looked peaceful."

Peaceful, huh?

He was sure he did.

Memory fading quickly Izaya couldn't remember a lot about what it was that he dreamed about, but feeling the warmth and calmth that had taken over his body he knew it must have been a good one.

Sighing softly he brought his hands to his face in a short rub to chase away the last remains of fatique. "Then why wake me now?" he joked, but knew the answer anyway. It was a rhetorical question, of course.

They were supposed to watch out for the entire group after all. With Izaya asleep it was nice and everything that Karisawa had let him rest for a couple hours, but chances were high that she would fall asleep eventually as well.

And with both guards down the probability of someone or something sneaking up on them to kill them increased to an unacceptable amount.

Besides.

Namie would probably kill them both if she found out they had been dozing off.

A short tap to his shoulder drew Izaya's attention back to Karisawa's face. She didn't correct his question, nor did she answer it. A bright smile settled on her expression instead and the moment she was sure to have captured Izaya's full blown attention she moved.

Or rather her hand did.

Lifting a finger she pointed over her shoulder- and Izaya's gaze followed. It grazed the table, the way Vorona was drolling slightly while sleeping next to her crush, the books, the table with the unfinished radio, Shinra-

Wait.

Blinking softly Izaya's blood surged.

Shinra.

Shinra was sitting next to Shizuo-

And Shizuo-

Quicker than his legs were able to keep up Izaya stumbled to his feet. Neglecting all care about remaining quiet and not waking anyone he rushed over- almost stumbling in the process.

It was quite dark despite the candle, so maybe he had been mistaken- maybe he was still dreaming-

Knees met the ground-

"Shizuo-" his eyes were closed. Not tightly, but peacefully and for a brief second Izaya thought he had gotten his hopes up for nothing.

Until Shizuo opened his eyes that is.

A bit strained, althought looking tired rather than suffering the blond's gaze met Izaya's. And finally the smile Izaya had craved to see and the voice he had thought he was never going to hear again spoke.

"You look like shit, flea."

Izaya couldn't help but snort at the words.

This guy- After everything that happened- A soft chuckle followed as his lips curled into a bitter smile. "You are one to talk, idiot." And all of a sudden they were there.

Uncontrollably and without any sense. Shizuo was fine, he had woken up, everything was going to be okay again as long as the two of them were working together, and yet-

Uncontrollably turning downwards Izaya's couldn't prevent his smile from slipping as a set of hot tears stung his eyes. Happiness as well as the sheer unimaginable amount of worry and restraint Izaya had held up until this point overwhelmed the raven as his expression crumbled. Leaning forward his forhead connected with Shizuo's shoulder as his arms circled the blond in a heartfelt hug.

Shizuo was okay. He was not going to die.

This new piece of information was just too much too take- and despite having been asleep for way too long Shizuo somehow understood. He didn't know what happened, but he knew it had to have been hard and so he lifted his arm to pull the raven closer.

"Sorry for worrying you."

"Shut up."

It was awfully quiet within the library. There was barely anything to be heard except for the choked intakes of breath on Izaya's part and Karisawa felt her own eyes sting in sensory overdrive.

She had always been a very emphatic person and this right now- She was just so happy for Izaya. For Shizuo-

She was surprised too, seeing just how close those two were exactly. Guilt stabbed her chest as she didn't dare raise her voice.

She knew those two had set aside their animosities for the sake of surviving. She thought they had become friends of some sort even, but this-

It was obvious as daylights that they had become more than just friends.

"Don't tell anyone okay?"

Startled by the whisper Karisawa turned to look at Shinra. Having taken his distance from the two he paused his treatment in order to give the two enough to room to rejoice. Glasses were adjusted and Shinra cast Karisawa a short glance. A quick nod was given as she realized he was waiting for an answer.

Of course.

She wouldn't tell. What for?

No one would be wronged by not knowing. In fact it might be the better option. Namie was already no fan of Izaya and knowing those two were together would only double her hatred towards Shizuo. Vorona too.

And Kadota-

Blinking softly Karisawa remembered the way Kadota had steered the topic away from Shizuo and his potential death. How Izaya and him had taken the watch the night before.

He knew already, didn't he?

A gentle push to Izaya's shoulder jerked the raven from his position.

"Just a moment." Shinra had approached him and was nodding towards Shizuo.

Of course.

He had only just woken up- Shinra wanted to check on him.

Quickly wiping his tears the raven nodded before taking his distance.

Flame flickering softly, Izaya glanced towards Karisawa. She was still holding it and seemed quite surprised how this whole situation unfolded.

Expression turned uncomfortable and the woman quickly avoided his gaze as she looked everywhere but at Izaya and Shizuo.

"How are you feeling?" Oblivious to anything around Shinra remained focused as he continued his examination. Task after task was meticulously executed as Shizuo sighed.

"Like when that truck ran me over." Funny, that had been so long ago and now after the apocalypse he felt as though he was talking about a different century.

A soft snort followed as Shinra lifted a brow.

"Just that? You must be fine then."

"Of course I am." The answer had followed a little too prompt and caused Shizuo to wince. But he couldn't just remain quiet, there were so many questions on his mind- "What even happened? I just remember that guy, then the zombie-" A hand found its way to his chest, "Stay down-" Shinra scolded him curtly, "Everything is fine. Just leave everything to Izaya."

The same scowl was initiated by Izaya as he told him off as well. "He is right."

An unwilling sigh left Shizuo's lips as he closed his eyes for a moment.

He didn't like it. He felt useless. Like he was holding everyone back and he wasn't fond of it one bit.

But he felt heavy, his chest tight, and he wasn't stupid enough to ignore the obvious signals his body was giving him.

"Sleep some, okay?" Eyes following the unreasonably gentle tone Shizuo glanced at an expression that made him yield.

He had no idea what happened, how long he had been out of it, what the flea had been through meanwhile- but he could see the torment it put on him and probably guess how worried he was.

By resisting the doctor's orders he was only going to add to those worries, he knew that and so he sighed.

"Fine."

Pleased by the response, Izaya's hard expression relaxed. Shizuo had woken up, but that didn't mean he was ready to get up and run around like nothing happened.

Just within minutes of his expression relaxing Izaya noticed how Shizuo's body grew slack once more.

He had fallen back asleep.

Just the tempo in which he did was alarming and he quickly turned to Shinra. Quiet as to not accidentally wake the blond again he whispered.

"... is he okay?"

A soft nod was given as Shinra retracted to his earlier position. Having slept tight Karisawa had woken him from his own beautiful set of dreams it seemed as he yawned. "Fine enough for what happened at least."

Izaya snorted as he watched the doctor make himself comfortable.

It was assuring.

Sure Shinra was just tired, but seeing how little he worried about the blond's condition it couldn't be much worse than he let on.

Withdrawing to his own spot next to the bookshelf Izaya sighed as he let his head thud against the shelf.

Fuck.

He was shaken more than he had thought. This whole ordeal- from seeing Shizuo being crushed, killing the nightly creature, finding Shinra to discovering smarter zombies and even more potential danger had just been a lot. Too much perhaps for a single mind to take in.

It felt unreal.

Almost like a dream.

Maybe he was still dreaming?

"... so, you and Shizuo huh?"

The light of the candle had moved, casting Karisawa's shadow across Izaya's space.

Right-

She knew now, didn't she? He had been an idiot, slipping up like this in front of her.

"I trust you will continue keeping your mouth shut about that particular topic?" His words had been supposed to act as a threat, but it seemed he bluntly missed the point of the conversation as Karisawa merely showed the brightest smile he had seen her wear so far.

"You know, I always knew you were going to end up together."

She wasn't addressing the topic to bribe or blackmail Izaya- she was merely happy for them.

It was such an innocent action that it perplexed Izaya more than he was willing to admit.

This girl was just too pure, really.

Light flickering slightly as Karisawa sat down next to Izaya he sighed.

"How did you know?"

Averting her gaze Karisawa glanced at the ceiling with her index finger on her lip. A slight hum followed until she shrugged.

"Just a hunch."

A hunch.

Izaya snorted. It was a response he expected from Shizuo but not her.

These two really did have a lot in common after all.

Eyes following Izaya's every movement Karisawa couldn't help but feel like Izaya wasn't the type to overshare. Just the way he was awkwardly avoiding the topic made it painfully obvious.

Seeing how he had discarded his mask a few minutes earlier the depth of their relationship only became so much clearer to her.

"Izaya," she started slowly, guilt suddenly befalling her for her previous words. "I'm sorry."

Obvious perplexion was all she faced as Izaya had clearly no idea what she was talking about.

"What for?" Karisawa wasn't the type for formalities so it seemed odd to him that she had turned so serious all of a sudden.

"If I had known I wouldn't have just said the things I did," she explained quickly, "About him not waking up and you know…"

Oh.

Wow.

Now Izaya felt even worse for what he had been contemplating. On top of the roof, outside-

The guilt he had immediately felt returned like a slap to his face and he sighed.

He was in no place to receive an apology from her.

"I thought of killing you."

The words sounded harsher in the peaceful light of the candle than he had thought them to. Eyes shortly drawing horror upon her features, Karisawa remained fairly speechless. He didn't need her to ask to know that she wondered whether she had misheard and so he took a deep breath, needed for the arguably sorry excuse of an explanation.

"When you said you would tell them. I-" he hesitated, not quite wanting to emphasize his past idea once more and opted for a different route instead. "I'm not proud of it."

After all, what he wanted right now wasn't for Karisawa to understand his line of thinking, he wanted to apologize and assure her.

… Well, keeping his mouth shut would have probably served him better in that regard. But somehow right now while she was showing such familiar traits to the one he loved he couldn't quite bring himself to lie to her anymore.

Lifting his gaze he dared to look at Karisawa. She looked spooked, yet less freaked than he had expected.

Sighing softly she lowered her gaze.

A gentle but bitter smile ruled her features and her voice dropped to a whisper. "It's crazy what this world does to us, huh?"

Izaya returned the awkward smile in a confused fashion. "Seems crazier to me that you don't seem to care."

Shaking her head quickly Karisawa responded with a short laugh, "I do. Please don`t kill me, I'm a fan of my life even now."

Even more irritation followed upon the contradicting response.

"Then why…?"

"We kill every day. Dozens of people," the woman interrupted quickly, and it irked Izaya just a bit that she called the zombies humans. "I would say it's natural we start having a lower tolerance when it comes to morals. What's right, what's wrong, you know."

… he could somewhat get behind that.

If she viewed those walking infectious pieces of rotten flesh as anything close to humane, then it made sense for her to not judge him for his thoughts.

Flame flickering softly as it was nearing the end of its life Izaya did it a favor and extinguished the churning piece of heat.

Darkness returned to the library but it was only so dark as the moon let it be.

Shining through the smallest cracks between the shelves and books it somehow served enough light to roughly outline Karisawa's face.

"I didn't take you for a philosopher." Izaya spoke into the silence.

"It was Kadota who said that to Yumichi." Izaya didn't need to see to notice the sprinkling of sadness in her voice. "It was surprisingly easy for him to kill. Easier than for all of us. No matter whether the person was already one of them or…"

Envisioning a bitter smile on her expression Izaya took it upon himself to cut the explanation short.

"Was that why you never had to kill any of them?"

He still remembered it. Outside on the roof, how fearful she had looked and how hesitant and clueless.

"Yeah. He took care of everything. I feel like we abandoned him by loading all of that work onto him."

A short clap of hands startled Izaya from the fairly quiet conversation and before he knew it the outline of a hand being extended towards him emerged from the shadows.

Eyes getting used to the darkness he could almost make out a smile on Karisawa's expression as she continued.

"Next time you get the urge to kill me, let's talk about it, alright?"

Izaya snorted.

This girl-

Really now.

Taking the hand in what seemed to be an oath he shook it shortly.

"Promised."

Izaya didn't think her smile could grow any wider, but there she was, smiling and Izaya couldn't be happier about it.

With Shizuo having woken up and presenting a topic so dark it had been his least intention to bring her down. But she seemed sturdier than he expected and that was good.

"And about… what we saw-" she whispered shortly not needing to elaborate any further, and Izaya nodded.

"We will tell them in the morning."

to be continued~

Alllright here we gooo~

A little slow in the updatery section buuut Imma try become more regular xDD On a side note the new story "Go to hell" is out and let's just say theme wise it will match this story's vibe after around 3 chapters xD So if you want to feel free to check it out haha