My confession only added more questions into Louis' mind. What he was most concerned with were Severus' temperament (Sean had painted him as a rude, vindictive man), his treatment of me, and whether or not I ever planned on introducing him to the family. The thing that concerned him the most was how I could find myself in love with a murderer. The frequency with which he was being referred to in this way was beginning to wear on me, but Louis was in a position of knowing only what he was told. All of his information had come from Sean who would certainly have strong views surrounding events involving Severus.

I had only just been able to say that he wasn't a murderer when Sean re-entered the house, putting an end to any further explanation I had planned. I switched on the television and feigned interest in what was playing. I could feel Louis staring at me. I could almost feel him pitying me; I didn't want it.

The rest of Christmas played out with Sean and Louis alternating their stares. I wondered if anyone else noticed the evident commiseration in their fleeting glances or if it was just me. By dinnertime I had resolved to pretend I wasn't noticing their looks. I could feel their empathetic gazes anytime they looked my way. I tried to continue with normal conversation but they were both making it very difficult not to just shout at them to stop it. Had I known this was how I would have been viewed, I wouldn't have told either of them anything.

The evening finally started winding down with eggnog in front of the fireplace. We got to the point of the gathering where my mother began asking me if I was seeing anyone, to which I replied that yes, I do see quite a number of people daily. Luckily, my answer seemed to distract both of my parents from the fact that my brothers' attentions flung to me so quickly upon the asking of that particular question.

At last, it was late enough to justify going home. I apparated with Louis back to his flat before apparating to mine, leaving so immediately that he couldn't ask anymore questions about Severus. I was exhausted and too cranky to socialise any further.

I brought myself to my room feeling as though I was ready to sleep for the next century. I changed into pyjamas and snuggled under the covers. I closed my eyes, ready to drift off to sleep.

But the sleep refused to come. There were times when I almost felt I could grasp slumber, but it was like trying to cup water in your hands. I could feel it as it dripped away between my fingers. I had been so close a few times just to find myself suddenly wide awake. I was growing frustrated and felt on the verge of tears from the exasperated exhaustion I felt. I feared becoming delirious was not far away if I couldn't catch at least a little rest.

It was in the very early hours of the morning; the ones that I only ever caught by mistake. I was in a daze, staring at the clock by my bedside. I watched as the minutes ticked by, understanding I was no closer to sleep than the moment before. I heard a muffled noise, but was unable to tell if it had come from outside or somewhere in the building. My tired brain decided it didn't care. My attention returned to the clock. I watched another minute pass, when I felt the bed shift. Startled, I tore my attention away from the clock, snapping up to look at the end of the bed. There sat a figure I would recognise in the lowest light. I wondered if my soul would still be able to identify him in even the most complete of darkness.

"I'm sorry." he whispered, his deep voice a feather softness I didn't realise was possible.

The flame in my gut ignited at the sound of it. "For what?" I asked.

"I didn't mean to wake you." he said. "I should have waited until morning, but I really wanted to tell you."

"I wasn't asleep." I assured him, shaking my head. "Tell me what?"

He sat, shuffling momentarily, removing his shoes, before he stood, sliding his cloak from his shoulders and draping it over the foot of my bed. He crawled up the mattress, settling next to me. The smell of fresh, frigid air drifted from him as he placed his hand up on my bent knee. I placed my palm against his, his fingers felt like ice as they pressed against my skin.

"You're freezing." I whispered, clasping his hand between the two of mine, looking over into his eyes that were holding me with their gaze. My heart thudded in my chest at his closeness. I enjoyed this feeling, the anticipation, the tension, the elastic feel of being pulled towards him.

"It's done." he said, his dark eyes unmoving from my face. "I delivered the Sword of Gryffindor."

"What happens now?" I asked.

"I suppose I have no option but to wait," he said. My eyes drifted down to his mouth, watching as his lips formed the shapes of his words. "I've done this part, I can't think of anything other than to hope that Harry does his. I can't fulfil my last duty until the very end." I dragged my eyes drowsily from his lips back up to his eyes. The fire inside me licked at my insides. I desperately wanted to feel his mouth pressed against my skin. I wanted to taste him and be tasted, I wanted to feel my body against his, warming him as we melted together. He slowly leaned in, his lips brushing softly against mine. He allowed a single delicate kiss before pulling away.

"What's your last duty?" I questioned in a whisper.

"I must make sure that Harry understands that he is the final Horcrux." Severus explained, his voice oddly empty. "I have to find him when the end is near." He paused, taking an audible breath. "When his end is near." I gave his hand a comforting squeeze. I wondered what it was like for him to live with the knowledge that the only remaining piece of Lily would soon be destroyed. He turned his attention back to me. "How are you feeling?"

How was I feeling? I knew what he was specifically curious about, but it was not currently a pressing matter. My encounter with Amycus had faded at a suspicious speed. I know it happened, but the overwhelming fear and helplessness that accompanied it were greatly muted. I was slightly worried that it would come rushing back at any inconvenient moment, rendering me completely useless.

The feeling that was, at this moment, the strongest was how elated I was to see him, as always. I was thrilled that he had accomplished his goal and relief flooded through me at the possibility that this achievement might lighten the burden of his worry. A biting fear that he would be gone as quickly as he had appeared blew through me like a winter wind at the same time desire for him ran feverishly through my veins. "Tired." I answered, surprised that of all my current feelings, that was the one I decided to convey to him.

"I'll go," he whispered, "You sleep."

I quickly seized his forearm, halting his movement. "I can't. I haven't had even a moment of real rest since I left Hogwarts. I can feel sleep, but it is too fleeting to hold onto. Can you stay with me?"

His gaze pulled at something deep inside me, like a finger plucking the string of a guitar. I could feel my body vibrating. "For a little while."

He slid his body down to lay and I copied his movements. I settled my head on his chest, his heartbeat soothing me like a lullaby. His arm looped around my shoulders, his fingers ran through my hair, brushing the curls back from my forehead. His fingertips sent delicious shivers through me as they gently caressed my skin. I draped my arm across his torso and watched it rise and fall with his breathing. I wanted to say something, even just to tell him that I loved him, but my eyelids were so heavy and my brain wasn't able to communicate with my lips to persuade them to move. My consciousness slowly fell away as it succumbed to the melody of his heart.

I opened my eyes against the brightness of day, blinking until they adjusted to the light. My arm lay stretched out on the empty bed next to me. Had I imagined his visit last night? A part of me panicked that I was unable to differentiate reality from dreams. I surveyed my room, not a single sign could be found to confirm he had ever been there.

I pulled myself out of bed feeling wary of my own mind. Was this all just the product of exhaustion or was I losing it? I walked to the kitchen to make coffee, becoming aware of how quiet and lonely my flat felt after the events and company of Christmas.

The clock showed that it was afternoon, but my routine necessitated a cup of coffee. The grogginess I felt also demanded the caffeine. I sat at the counter listening to the gurgling of my coffee machine as I stared mindlessly at a piece of paper with words written in my favourite hand. I followed the loops and lines with my eyes, smiling as I reminisced of the many times I sat and watched words form in that script.

A jolt of realisation shot through me as I reached across the counter, snatching the parchment. My eyes slid over the letter, devouring every word.

My dear Ruby,

I hate leaving you like this with nothing apart from a letter, but even though my task has been accomplished I still have the unfortunate obligation to keep up appearances. While I am now free from worry of failing Albus and Harry, I still need to continue my infiltration of the enemy side. This includes maintaining my constant appearance in the school, even when no one of any importance is around to observe my presence. The last thing I need at this stage of the plan is for someone to call my loyalty into question. I hope you can forgive my quiet abandon of you tonight with the help of the following:

Over time, many things become easier. With practice even the most difficult of endeavours can become second nature; leaving you is not like this. I am finding that the more time I spend with you, the more time I want with you and the harder it becomes to separate myself from you. I can hardly concentrate on a present moment when we are apart, for my mind drifts to you and I can only think about the next moment we will be together.

I had taken no notice before at how close my being was to oblivion. It is only now that I have experienced your heart once again, that I realise how spiritless I had been. I fear that eventually I will not be able to exist without you for any length of time and I suspect that I may eventually become as addicted to you as my lungs are to air. I love you, most completely and unapologetically. I am wholly yours and I expect I am not mistaken when I call you mine.

I will visit again tonight. I don't think I will be able to go back to our old arrangement of seeing each other only once a week, it is not nearly enough for me. I hope that you continued to sleep, that your dreams were sweet, and that I will find you well rested.

Always,

Severus

I read through the letter several times in succession. I caught myself smiling dreamily my third time through. I committed several passages to memory and found that they were able to pull the same smile to my lips. I was filled with delight that he felt this way about me. I knew he loved me, of course, but to be given some notion of just how much made it feel different. I felt the familiar sting of tears in my eyes. This man I had chosen was the sweetest, most thoughtful person I had the pleasure of knowing.

Suddenly, the warm adoration from his letter chilled to a bitter anger. I couldn't believe Susan was willing to completely cut me off because of who made me happy. I had been distraught by her leave. I felt a sense of blame like it was my fault and she was justified in her decision to abandon me when I was in need of her help. She was watching me shatter in front of her. She could see the fractures and she still cast me off, leaving me with a sense of guilt. Guilt over what; being in love with a man who left me letters filled with such sweet words, a man willing to do so much for me even when he was already stretched so thin, a man who had to pretend to be something he wasn't to help countless others. If Susan was going to allow our friendship to end over such a man it wasn't going to be her decision, it was going to be mine.

My coffee machine sounded its alert that brewing was complete, but I had already apparated.

"Susan." I shouted from her empty kitchen, the tone of my voice more agitated than I had meant for it to be.

I walked purposefully to the sitting room where Henry sat holding his paper and Laura was on the floor drawing. The looks I was greeted with let me know who had been privy to the information found out by Susan. Henry looked nervous and his face paled. Laura, on the other hand, greeted me with her normal enthusiasm, hopping up from her sketchbook and pulling me into a tight hug.

Susan appeared in the doorway. Her expression mirrored her husband's, pale and nervous. "Ruby." Surprise was evident in her tone. "I thought I…" she trailed off, her eyes landing on Laura. I could tell that she didn't want the children to know anything was wrong. Strange, I thought.

"Can we talk in private?" I asked. It would seem an unusual request to Laura, in front of whom we'd normally talk freely.

Susan's eyes flicked momentarily to Henry. I felt a flare of incredulity, was she actually afraid of me? I gripped my wand so tightly in my hand that I feared it may splinter. I relaxed my grip, making a straight line for Susan, wrapping my arm around her and casting the apparition spell in one movement.

"What are you doing?" Susan yelled as we landed in my flat. "Are you crazy? Take me back home, now!"

"No." I shouted. "I need you to listen to me!"

"Take me back!" She urged.

"Not until you listen!" I snapped. "You always draw conclusions, you never listen to reason."

"Listen to reason about what?" Susan asked, snapping her hands to her hips. "Listen to you talk about how you've completely lost your mind and have somehow deluded yourself into believing that a man who has murdered countless people is a decent human? Ruby, I will not–"

"Shut up!" I said, finally snapping at the likening of Severus to a monster. "Shut up! He is nothing like you think he is! I don't want our friendship to end because I have fallen in love with a kind, gentle, selfless man. I need you to stop and listen, for once in your life, without blinding yourself with your own preconceived notions. If you still want to abandon me after you have heard all that I have to say…" My voice caught in my throat as my determined anger melted into a hesitant sadness. "Just know that you will never be able to come back. When the truth becomes known to everyone and you realise that I was not crazy, I will refuse you. Listen well and choose carefully, because this is the only chance you will be given."

Susan's face was filled with shock, but she moved to the sofa and sat down. She held her attention forward holding her hands in her lap. I nodded my head and walked to the middle of my sitting room where I paced back and forth trying to figure out what to say. I had expected more pushback from her.

"Yes," I began, still pacing back and forth. "Severus Snape and I are engaged." I turned my attention to Susan, her face paled and her fingers clenched. "No, he is not what everyone believes him to be. Yes, he has done things he's not proud of. No, I cannot go into detail. We have been friends for so long, do you not trust me at all?"

Susan paused. "You've always been so…rash when it comes to him."

I shook my head. "How have I been rash? My brother told me over Christmas that I overthink everything. How is it that I can be rash while overthinking?" My mind flashed to when I apparated to Severus in the strange room filled with books. "Alright, so sometimes I've made decisions without completely considering all the consequences, but this, this engagement is not one of those things."

She shook her head. "You've always been blind, you won't even entertain the idea that maybe he isn't how he presents himself to you."

I stopped pacing. "I am not blind, you are the one who has always refused to see what I have told you is real. What possible benefit could he find in pretending to be in love with me? I'm no one."

There was a pause, neither of us spoke. I watched Susan as she stared at the floor. She was mulling something over in her mind, I could see it. "Have you been in contact with him this whole time?" Her breathing sped up. "Did you know about his attack on the school before it happened? Did you withhold that information from me?"

I shook my head. "No, I only caught up with him after that. He remembered me and…" I took a deep breath. "I don't know. I didn't want to let him go again."

"You went looking for him, knowing that he was a murderer and that he put my children in danger?"

"I…" I hesitated. I thought back to the event that brought Severus back into my life. It was a crazy thing to do, even Severus had said so. "It sounds insane. Knowing him the way that I had, I couldn't believe that he would do what he was said to have done. I…thought of him, his face, his scent, his touch and I apparated to him. He immediately accused me of being insane, but he remembered me. He called me Ruby. We started out as just friends. I still had Charlie. After weeks of meeting with him and being reminded of what drew me to him in the first place and since I thought Charlie was avoiding me…we…rekindled. I'm not sure when we finally made the leap, we kissed, he insisted he only wanted a friend, we didn't kiss again for a while, then…I don't know, we became more. It wasn't rash, it took months, and he was more hesitant than I was."

"What if he's just doing this to use you?" Susan asked. "What if he's lulling you into a sense of security so that he can ask you to do his bidding?"

I shook my head. "The only things he has ever asked of me were to stay safe and not get into trouble."

"What about going to Hogwarts? Why did he ask you to go there?" She asked.

"Madam Pomfrey was exhausted and he was worried about her." I said. "Which, now that I repeat it, sounds like the most devious plot from the most heinous of villains."

Susan was quiet again. She didn't look at me, but I could tell she was running things through her mind, trying to make sense of something. "If he's good, why is he allowing himself to appear so bad?"

"Ah, now you're asking the right questions." I said, taking a seat in my arm chair. "Unfortunately, I don't consider myself able to answer that one."

"Because he hasn't come up with a good enough lie to tell you." Susan insisted.

I shook my head. "He has told me everything. I am the keeper of all the man's secrets, but they are not mine to tell. I feel it would be a betrayal if I used his private information in an attempt to keep your friendship. I don't want to lose you, but I'm certainly not willing to forsake Severus and his trust just to keep you. I had been attacked, moments before I had thought I was going to be killed. You could see me breaking, but you saw the ring, you came to the right conclusion, and your hate of him was enough to drive you to abandon me when I needed you." The tears had come back during my recollection of events. "You wouldn't listen to me at all and any guilt I had felt has now turned to anger. You have been my friend for most of my life and you have no trust in me. You think I am easily swayed, that my mind is weak, that I am a fool for him. I am not a fool and you have always been unfair to him. He holds nothing for you like the hatred you have for him. He assured me that you would come around, that friendships like ours don't just end, that you just needed time and that I should allow you to have it." I shook my head. "But you don't deserve time, either you accept that I love him and trust that I would not fall for someone unworthy of me or, if you cannot, you prove to me that you are not the friend I thought you were, and I return you to your family and you will never see me again. He would never make me choose between you and him and the fact that you are is not doing you any favours. Make your decision now."

I was aware of a pop, but it was not enough to rouse any kind of alertness. I continued staring down at the streets below, my mind was blank. I wasn't sure how long it had been since I had last moved.

"Why is it so dark in here?" Severus' voice sounded, pulling me enough from my own thoughts to respond.

"Is it?" I whispered, a surprising hollowness in my voice. I continued watching the people below go about their business. "How is it that muggles can go about as though anything matters? Look at them, rushing through the streets as if they have anywhere important to go. Don't they know what the Dark Lord is planning?"

I heard a click and the room lighted, hurting my eyes. "Don't call him that." Severus said calmly as he crossed the room. "What's wrong?"

I pulled my eyes away from the window to find him kneeling in front of me. He reached out for both of my hands, his thumbs gently caressed my knuckles and his eyes searched mine.

"I thought she would choose me." I squeaked, the words almost refusing to come out. "I thought it would be easy for her. But she didn't and now she's gone."

"Who?" he asked, his brow furrowing as he tried to understand.

"Susan." I whispered, my throat trying to hold on to her name. "I told her to decide now, but Henry came and she left with him, without a word. Neither of them said anything and then they were gone."

"You spoke with Susan?" Severus asked. "Today?"

I nodded. "I didn't want it to be her decision. You're so wonderful." I said, lifting my hand to gently brush his cheek. "I woke up to find your letter filled with such sweet words. I shouldn't have done what I did, but I was lost in anger that she was punishing me over you. I told her to either trust me or lose me as a friend. I thought it would be an easy choice, but now she's gone. Do you think she was ever really my friend?" The brimming tears blurred my view of Severus. I felt his hands sliding up the outsides of my thighs, stopping on my hips as he laid his head in my lap. Numbly, I lifted a hand, resting it on him as I ran my fingers absently through his silky hair.

"Oh, Ruby." he whispered, pity loud in his soft voice. "Of course she was really your friend. I think she still is, but I also think she needed time. You should have given her more time."

I twirled his locks mindlessly around my finger, staring forward at nothing. "She didn't deserve time. I told her that if she abandoned me now that she would never be able to come back. I told her that I would refuse her and she still chose to…" My voice cracked and cut off.

"It doesn't sound like she chose anything." Severus offered, lifting his head and settling back on his heels. His hands slid back down my legs, halting just above my knees where his hands began slowly stroking up and down in a comforting, rhythmic way. He kept his eyes downward, watching as his hands glided over the soft fabric of my pyjamas.

I looked down at him, a piece of hair had fallen into his face, obstructing one of his eyes. I reached up a hand to gently brush it aside. It was another moment, where for no reason at all, I was suddenly struck by how beautiful he was. My heart pumped a burst of warmth through my chest and gut and swiftly, my issue with Susan didn't seem so final. I placed my hands on top of his, halting their movements. He lifted his eyes to my face.

A small smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. "She's just afraid. Fear makes people do things they would normally never consider. Everything will be alright." He gave my knees a reassuring squeeze, another quick smirk pulled at his lips.

I placed my hand on his cheek. He closed his eyes and melted into my touch. His eyes were once again ringed in shadow. I traced my thumb along the bottom of one of the dark circles. I wondered if he had had a moment of sleep since I left Hogwarts. It didn't seem likely that he rested last night since he delivered the sword and sat with me for who knows how long. I was immediately annoyed with myself, if I hadn't been so needy and selfish he might have had time to sleep. "I'm sorry." I whispered.

His brow furrowed and he opened his eyes. "Why? For what reason?"

"You have actual concerns, real problems, so many people unknowingly depending on you, and I am whining, constantly, about the most meaningless things. I'm sitting here griping about Susan and you've got an entire school full of students coming back in a week who need protection from the Carrows and other students. You're constantly surrounded by death eaters and dementors and you have spent far more time in the presence of You-Know-Who than I would want for you. I'm sorry to burden you with my stupid problems. They're not even problems, they're inconveniences. Not even large inconve–"

Severus shook his head and stood slowly. Part of me flinched, convinced he was going to leave. We had hardly gotten any time together and he was going to go. I felt annoyed with myself for wasting my time with Severus on Susan. "Stop it. Don't ever apologise for including me in your life again. Understand? You have nothing to be sorry for, stop acting like you're a burden. I swear I have told you before that I like when you come to me for help. I like your problems, I can do something about them. My own problems are all impossible and caused by my life being a tangled mess of lies and intrigue. They are not resolvable and it drives me mad to have an array of consequences looming with no way to stop them."

"And that's why I want to help you," I insisted. "Instead, I feel like I'm always being helped by you. I feel completely useless."

Severus stood watching me. He placed his hands on the armrests, leaning in until his face was inches away and his eyes gazed deeply into mine. Despite their tired appearance there was a bright alertness in them. His expression was of the same smoothness that used to be reserved for when he thought no one was looking. My eyes traced over his features, appreciating every line and imperfection. This was Severus Snape, the real one; the one no one, apart from me, knew existed.

When he spoke, it was a whisper, "When I'm with you, I hardly think about my problems. You help me to forget." He pushed himself forward, locking his lips with mine. My heart burst in my chest as I leaned into his kiss. My arms looped around the back of his neck and he stood, lifting me from the chair. His lips parted mine, allowing the kiss to deepen before he pulled away. His arms enveloped me, holding me close against his body. I felt his cheek rest on the top of my head. I was concealed by him on all sides, a feeling of safety, security, protection, and love washed over me as I concentrated on how it felt to be held by him in this moment. "I don't want you to feel useless."

"I don't want you to feel useless, either." My voice, muffled against his robes.

A small laugh reverberated in his chest. He pressed his lips to the top of my head, pulling a smile from me. "Alright, neither of us is allowed to feel useless, deal?"

I nodded my approval against his chest. His hands slid up and down my back as we continued standing in my sitting room, wrapped up in each other. I slipped my hand up the back of his neck, lacing my fingers into his silken hair. I twirled a lock mindlessly around my forefinger as I closed my eyes, letting each touch wash over me, feeling the warmth of him pressed against me. A painful spasm in my gut pulled me from my quiet bliss.

"Are you alright?" Severus asked, pulling back slightly to look at me.

"I've been too caught up in my own mind today." I answered. "I just realised I haven't eaten and am rather starving."

Thanks to an anti-spoiling charm I attempted weeks ago, I was fortunate enough to have all of the ingredients to make cottage pie. I had used a spell to peel the carrots and potatoes. The latter were already quartered and boiling away on the range. The carrots lay on the cutting board with the onion I was currently dicing.

Severus occupied himself by wandering through the kitchen, opening cupboards and drawers, inspecting various kitchen tools and devices. Every so often, he would make a sound of either disappointment or fascination depending on what he was observing. Some items he was able to easily figure out, others he inquired as to their purposes.

"You mentioned the letter I wrote for you," he said suddenly, "Am I correct in the assumption that you enjoyed it?"

I smiled. "Very much. I read it several times in a row. I have almost the entire thing memorised."

"It was my first attempt at a love note." He added.

"I can't believe it." I teased as I turned to look at him over my shoulder. He was distracted observing a garlic press he held in his hand. I smiled at his curiosity and returned to my chopping.

I listened to the racket of another drawer being closed. A moment of silence stretched on; the only sound was the tapping of my knife against the cutting board as I continued dicing the onion. Fingers brushed gently against my skin as the hair was swept away from my shoulder. Warm lips pressed against the curve of my neck sending shivering pulses through my body. The knife fell to the board as I pressed my hands against the counter, steadying myself against the surging waves.

"You're going to make me cut myself." I gasped as his arms wrapped around my waist.

He trailed kisses up the back of my neck. "Perhaps," he whispered close to my ear. "If you had used magic, we wouldn't have to worry about injury."

He buried his face in the crook of my neck extracting a whimper from lips. "I never learned household magic."

"Tsk, tsk." The puffs of breath from his soft rebuke danced deliciously over my delicate skin. His hands slid from my waist to my hips and he spun me swiftly to face him. His eyes flickered with intense ardour, heating my blood, now flowing like hot syrup through my veins. He pressed his lips hungrily to mine as his hands travelled from my hips, to my waist, to the counter behind me. He dragged his lips down to my throat, sliding to my shoulder as he leaned farther forward. The feel of his body pressing against mine was enough to drive me mad. A dull scraping sounded before his hands returned to my waist.

He pulled his lips away as his hands closed tightly around me, lifting me quickly onto the counter. A shriek of surprise escaped from my throat. Severus' mouth stretched with an amused grin before he leaned in, dotting my collar bone and throat with feverish kisses. I wove my fingers into his hair, closing my fist around a mass of strands and tugging his head back. Shock flashed in his eyes for a moment before I pressed my lips covetously against his.

He pushed his mouth against mine with equal enthusiasm. Want of food had abandoned me as my hunger shifted to a different target. My teeth bit lightly down on his bottom lip as my hands began trying to remove the cloak from his shoulders. A low moan rattled from his throat and his hands slipped under my pyjama top, desire ripped through me as I continued ravenously clawing at his robes.

His lips trailed back down to the curve of my shoulder. A sudden yelp preceded a rapid jump backwards as his eyes locked on something behind me. I hopped from the counter turning quickly to see what had pulled him so immediately from me.

My breath caught in my throat. "Susan!" I choked.