The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has flown off. Just some madness from my tiny little brain.

Sterling Archer, Birdwatcher

"Okay!" Archer staggered into the breakroom looking a bit worse for wear. His clothes were torn and his hair was slightly mussed up. He had a pair of binoculars slung around his neck. "Who the hell organizes a Take Back The Night Rally in the middle of the day?"

Ray sighed as he casually spiked his coffee with some brandy. "Do I even want to know?"

Pam quipped before she took a bite into a bearclaw. "By the looks of you I thought you had a hot date."

"It is kind of hard to tell with him sometimes," Cyril admitted as he sipped some coffee.

Archer grumbled as he went to the refrigerator and took out a bottle of alcohol. "I was in Central Park, minding my own business looking around using my new binoculars when some crazy broad screams…HE'S A PERVERT!"

Cyril blinked. "I'm confused. How was that statement not true?"

Archer sat down at the table. "The next thing I knew a bunch of women the size of linebackers from the New York Giants were ganging up on me! If I didn't have my gun to shoot in the air, they'd have trampled me to death with their cleats!" He took a long swig from the bottle.

"So much for situational awareness," Ray smirked. "So why were you out in Central Park looking through binoculars in the first place?"

"Spying on a sexy dame?" Pam grinned.

"Actually, I was trying out a new hobby," Archer told her. "Birdwatching!"

"And by birds you mean hot women jogging," Pam rolled her eyes.

"No, Pam," Archer told her. "I mean actual birds! With feathers and everything!"

Pam did a double take. "Seriously?"

"You?" Cyril blinked. "Watching actual birds? Real birds?"

"That sounds like something Cyril would do!" Ray pointed at Cyril. "No offense."

"None taken, I agree with you!" Cyril spoke up.

"Archer why would you pick up birdwatching as an actual hobby?" Pam asked.

"Keeping in mind that your previous hobbies all include cocktails," Ray counted off. "Annoying people. Sex. Explosions. And several varieties of lawsuits against you."

"First of all, I do love animals," Archer explained between gulps of alcohol. "Except of course alligators and crocodiles. Only because they're nature's perfect killers and want to eat me. And sharks too obviously."

"Obviously," Pam echoed.

"And second it's a damn easy hobby," Archer pointed out as he opened up a journal he had in his back pocket. "You basically write down any bird you've ever seen. How hard is that? I've already logged in a ton of birds without even trying!"

"You actually have a bird book?" Cyril was stunned. "An actual bird book where you write down what birds you've seen?"

"Yes Cyril," Archer rolled his eyes. "That's how it works! Look. Pigeon. Robin. Sparrow. House sparrow. Chickadees. Goldfinches. Red Finches. Crows. Ducks. Swans. Canadian Geese."

"He's going to name all the birds he's seen, isn't he?" Ray blinked.

Pam sighed. "Yuuup."

"Parrots," Archer read. "Macaws which is a specific type of parrot. Dove. Mourning Dove! I didn't know that mourning dove was spelled with an o-u. As in you're mourning over somebody. I thought it was morning dove with an o-r. As in daybreak. I learned something!"

"I'm learning something too," Cyril blinked.

"That Archer is cracking up?" Pam quipped.

Archer kept going. "Woodpecker."

Ray quipped. "Insert phrasing joke."

Archer read on. "Penguin."

"Penguin?" Pam shouted.

"Remember Lamont?" Archer asked. "Red tailed hawk. Owl. Seagulls. Vultures. Turkey vulture. Turkeys."

"The only turkeys you've ever seen are at Thanksgiving!" Ray challenged.

Archer ignored him. "Orioles. Blue Jays. Cardinals."

"Baseball teams don't count!" Cyril told him.

Archer kept going. "Ostriches. Kiwi. Puffins. Peacocks. Plovers. Hummingbirds. Kingfishers. Chilean Mockingbird. Bird of Paradise. Toucans. Flamingoes. Ring tail pheasants. Rhinoceros Hornbill. Storks. African Crowned Crane. Whooping crane…"

Pam challenged. "When the hell did you see all of those?"

"I've been all over the world Pam," Archer scoffed. "I've seen all of those birds somewhere. Most recently at the Central Park Zoo."

"I thought you were banned from there?" Cyril asked.

"I wore a disguise!" Archer told him. "Plus, they have all new security guards so none of them recognized me."

"Of course," Cyril sighed.

"The point is," Archer grinned. "I've seen a lot of wildlife."

"Mostly at Pita Margaritas after 1 AM," Ray quipped.

"Why not make that a hobby?" Archer asked. "As the world's greatest secret agent, I'm expected to have many faceted interests that will help me! Who knows? I may have to go undercover as an ornithologist and seduce a sexy spy running an exotic bird smuggling operation!"

"There it is," Pam remarked. "I should have known."

"All roads do lead to Archer's nether regions," Ray groaned.

"You actually believe that birdwatching will somehow get you laid?" Pam asked.

"Why not?" Archer grinned. "I've already got a date with the woman who takes care of the ostriches at the zoo!" He walked away.

Pam groaned. "Okay I'll say it. This plan of Archer's is for the birds!"

"A cliché but true," Ray nodded.

Cyril blinked. "Maybe I should take up birdwatching?"

"Why not?" Ray quipped. "You're already a birdbrain."