AC194. This story follows Black Alpha (Heero Yuy) as he returns to Dr J after the death of the little girl and her dog. Contains implied rape, electroshock therapy and drugs. Set 2 weeks after "Bound for Hell" 1+2.

Please, please, please read Bound for Hell first. This can be found in my profile link.

Blood dripped down his split lip, and his face stung from the slap. The flower the girl had given him firmly concealed in his hand, for fear that it would be taken from him. A sign of weakness…

The 14-year-old boy referred only to as Black Alpha* trembled slightly but held his ground. His cobalt eyes filled with fire and repugnance for the man who had hit him.

"You are a weapon! And weapons do not weep!" Dekim Barton, the leader of the Barton Foundation, glared down at the insignificant boy beneath him. If he could he had no doubt at all that he would hit the boy again, and again. He couldn't show a lack of control in front of his men, and he had invested too much time and money to let this trifling setback derail Operation Meteor. There was not enough time to train someone else to use Wing Gundam, someone else to indoctrinate, and to use in his scheme.

"That's ludicrous! You're suggesting using the Gundam as a tool for a massacre!?"**

Anger in his eyes he turned to the stooped half robotic man who he had employed to train the boy, Dr J. "This is WAR!" He bellowed with flushed cheeks. "It is no big deal to sacrifice the general public, got it!? The humane feeling of kindness is unnecessary for our weapon."

The boy recoiled at that. Nothing more than a weapon… It had always been the way. Nobody noticed him. He looked up to the soaring Gundam beside him, which he had become fond of over the years. He was nothing more than a weapon to be used to wipe up the mess after the colonies had plummeted to the Earth Sphere.

Was kindness redundant for war he wondered? What was the point of fighting if its only outcome was a number of soldiers killed? Fighting for power, power over others? What was the point? Everybody dies sooner or later. Everybody he had ever cared about had died: his mother, his step-father, even Odin.

"You're right there," said Dr J. "But do you really believe that Heero Yuy would be pleased if we buried his humanity?"

Humanity… How could a weapon, have humanity in the first place? How could he if he was nothing but a machine, a machine with one purpose… to murder. The boy's eyes fell to his clenched fist. Opening to find the tiny snowy flower freckled with blood. Her blood or his, perhaps it was the blood of the dog or the soldiers that he had killed at the base? He didn't know anymore.

He had a faded memory of someone once, someone important to him, saying "The only way to live a good life is act on your emotions." But he was now surrounded by people discussing the best way to remove his humanity. Remove his emotions. How could he live a good life? How could he live without them?

They had tried before. They had tied him down to a table and forced something into his mouth and something against his head. The pain had been indescribable. Other times, they had pumped him full of drugs, deprived him or beaten him. And here they were, thinking about doing it all over again.

Confusion and anger stormed in him, and he found himself running. He knew he would be punished by the men but he had to run. Run from it all. Run from the fear of the past, from the fear of the future, from the guilt of that little girl and her dog. He raced through the corridors of the colony base. Taking turns this way and that. Running until his lungs seared and his legs felt like stone in the synthetic gravity.

When he couldn't run anymore he returned to his cell and thrust the bed in front of the door. A lock and privacy was something a weapon was not allowed, but he would have killed for nether the less. He collapsed down the wall and heaved his knees up to his chin and enveloped his arms around them. Eyes shut tightly, he tried to calm his breathing by following the breathing techniques his mother had showed him for when he was upset so many years ago. It was the only thing that he could remember about her. He tried to picture her face but could see only shadows surrounded by long straight auburn hair. The technique was one that he had used many times before. It helped him disengage. To disconnect from his feelings, from the pain inside himself.

The boy choked back a sob, determined not to cry. He was a weapon and apparently, weapons did not weep. He silently begged for it to end. No more death, no more killing. He didn't want to kill anyone else. No more girls, no more dogs, no one.

He could hear the soldiers coming for him. The searching had been hurried and frantic until they pushed against the door. The bed was heavy but it did not hold them for long. He wanted to resist but knew to struggle would be meaningless. The more he did, then the more it would hurt. It always did.

When the bed was finally pushed from the door three uniformed men charged through and stood above him. Wide evil smirks plastered on their faces. The boy inwardly grimaced, he recognized these men. They had found him before.

It wasn't that they hated him, that was only a small part, but it was likely that they resented the boy's youth, the way that he had been chosen to fight in the Gundam and none of them. He'd been here long enough now to understand what was going to happen to him and this time he was ready for it.

"Are you going to come peacefully, or are you going to struggle?" asked the leader.

The boy stood slowly, indicating he would come with them quietly, but he was only shoved back down by rough calloused hands. "Nah, you know how this works," the door closed behind them. His voice was raspy and his eyes were filled with lust. "It's no fun unless you struggle…" He pushed his hand through black untamed hair. The boy could have sworn that the man licked his lips.

Instinct reactions in the boy snapped in, amplified by his training. His knee flew up and hit the man in the crotch. The man immediately fell back clutching at his swollen and bruised groin. But the others were there replacing him, and grabbing at the boy so roughly by the arms that the flower fell from his hand as he tried frantically to fight them off. They threw him onto the bed but all he could think was to get the flower back. Scrambling away from them, kicking and punching, trying to get free.

The black-haired man noticed the boy's determination and followed his eyes until he found the crumpled blood stained flower on the floor. He sneered evilly before landing a heavy combat boot on the flower and stamping it into pieces. He revelled in the anger that he had caused and that only made the boy more alluring to him.

Something within the boy snapped, and he looked straight into the eyes of his abuser. There was nothing but the man before him now and the rage within him. "I will kill you!"

The man knelt before the bed and grabbed onto the boy's cheeks. "Hmph, you're so sexy when you're like this you know. But unfortunately, we need you to be quiet now so we can enjoy ourselves."

The pain was sudden and the flash white as a fist landed across his temple.

~Duo POV~

Something had woken me. There it was again. My hand shot under the pillow and I reached for my gun. It was a low muffling mixed with yelps and cries of pain. I got out of bed silently, my body ached but my mind was focused on the noise. A noise that should not be coming from anywhere in a safe house, and which definitely should not be coming from Heero Yuy's room.

I wanted it to be nothing more than a bad dream for him but I could feel my body tense as my training kicked in and I snaked down the empty corridor. Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei were all out on missions, so it was only the two of us here. I raised my gun and slowly opened the door, praying that it did not creek.

Surveying the room, there was no one but the perfect soldier in the grips of a nightmare, his covers thrown across the room. Moonlight was falling through the gaps in the curtains, falling across the Japanese boy's naked chest. He was drenched in sweat. I clicked the safety back on my gun and left it on the table before deliberately moving towards him and lightly placing a hand on his shoulder, wanting to wake him from the nightmare.

Damn! Note to self. Do not try and ever wake a perfect soldier. His eyes shot open and a fist came up to connect with my side, making me stagger backwards and on to the floor. In a heartbeat, the man was above me straddling my waist and laying punch after punch into me. They were not focused, but there was a rage to them. They hurt, but not as much as the pain from seeing Heero's eyes. Dead and brimmed with tears that he was too stubborn to let fall.

One punch connected with the side of my jaw and I let out a yelp, and somehow that brought him to his senses, and now his eyes were instead filled with dread and remorse. "Duo! Shit! Are you okay?" I'd never heard him cuss before.

"Damn it Heero! If you're gonna beat me up, at least make it a fair fight." I taunted him playfully so that he would know that he hadn't hurt me. Well really hurt me. I'd have a few fist shaped souvenirs on my skin but that did not matter to me.

He slipped off my stomach and scuttled away from me, it felt as though he was afraid of me, afraid of hurting me? "I could have killed you…"

"But you didn't." I winked at him playfully, but he just turned away.

"That's not the point Duo."

I sat up and rubbed my jaw, stretching it out a few times. "Must have been one hell of a nightmare."

He nodded curtly and began a breathing ritual I had seen so many times before. He sat cross-legged and slowly breathed in and out, each breath getting longer until each in, pause, and out was 10 seconds long. At the end when he would normally open his eyes, in complete control and calm, he shook his head angrily and started again.

I let him try to relax, becoming ever more panicky the longer that it took. A few attempts later he angrily punched the concrete floor, shot up and began pacing, obviously exasperated and angry. "Why won't it stop!?"

"Heero…" I stood up warily. I had never seen him like this before. He was almost like a caged animal. There was a slight shake of his body and his breath came unevenly. More like a nightmare for me instead, but the tingle in my jaw was a constant reminder that I was awake. "Listen, buddy, you're gonna be fine…" The brunette shot me a glare but didn't stop pacing. I tried taking a few steps towards him. "It's a panic attack; you'll be okay, just listen to me…"

"Don't come near me Duo! I'll just end up killing you too."

"You wouldn't do that Heero. That's not the Heero I know."

"And what would you know Duo!?" The spark in his eyes matched the venom in his voice. "What the hell would you know what I am going through right now!? Tell me Duo!" He looked down to his hands that trembled uncharacteristically.

"I know Heero… I know what it feels like to have to prepare myself every night to fend off the memories! You told me about that little girl. The girl and her dog? You put those memories under lock and key but every night little demons come and they cut the lock off and the memories and nightmares come crashing in. Memories of a church, and memories of how OZ came in and set the place on fire because they thought that they were harbouring alliance spies! They shot at everyone that tried to escape!" I looked down at my hands. I was shaking now too. I couldn't help myself. My eyes clenched shut as I relieved the pain. I'd never told anyone about this before, not even Professor G. "Fuck! They shot everyone… Father Maxwell… Sister Helen… The other orphans..."

"And you know why I survived Heero…" Anger filled me, anger at myself and guilt. He shook his head slowly. He was still shaking himself, but his eyes were glued to me. "I hid. I fucking hid like a coward! Everyone died but me. But I hid. I did nothing to help them. I sat by as the great God of Death came and stole everyone I cared about!" I dropped to my knees.

"Duo…"

"So don't you ever say I don't know how you feel because I do! I see all their faces! All the fucking time! I see them just as clear as you see hers!"

* So I actually had to look this up, the little girl died in AC194 and it was before Heero was given the name… well Heero on the day of Operation M. So his code name at the time was Black Alpha. The more you know…

** Also the more you know. This is the speech from the Endless Waltz movie.