Info: THIS FANFICTION CONTAINS: SUISIDAL THOUGHTS, MENTION OF SELF HARM AND SECUAL ACT FURTHER ON.
Lupin's pov:
I opened my eyes slowly blinking against the light of a heavy morning sun in the summer. The first rays stole themself into the room where the others already were awake dressing up and brushing teeth. "Good Morning!" Said Sirius happily.
I tried to answer with a smile on my face but the words that left my throat weren't quite what I wanted. I stuttered a deep voiced: " Morning…" to him, then I strained myself. I hate my deep voice, I thought feeling so sore. It reminded me of growling. Sirius kept staring at me since the answer wasn't persuading him.
"Everything ok?" Asked Peter who looked at me upside down since he was in the bed above me. "Sure…" I mumbled with a little reassuring smile.
My arms were exposed so I quickly put them under the blanked. They shouldn't see the cuts. Not only were there the fresh ones from yesterday's full moon experience but from the day before as well since I couldn't contain this feeling.
Even though it got way better since I am good friends with Sirius, James and Peter, it made me more sad then ever. Knowing I couldn't be honest to the first and only, true and awesome friends was hard. It's not what I wanted… Every time I think about that I wanna do it. I want to take out my silver blade and let it dance along my arms.
It's not that I like the feeling, I am no masochist, but I am pleased with the thought of hurting this person I sometimes hate so much.
I quickly grabbed my stuff and locked myself in the bath nearby. Here I could look at my wounds in peace. I had a lot of fresh cuts on my upper arm from yesterday. They were even though they weren't as many as the ones I did with the blade a lot more dominant.
My Lycanthropy made other wounds heal faster than normal but my wounds I do with my claws when in wolf form doesn't disappear easily. Therefore I swallow pills and drink potions made by madam Pomfrey.
After I took my daily potions, I showed asap and with fresh clothes left the bath to get something to eat. The others were waiting for me and it made me so glad. I don't really know what happened over the summer holidays.
Shortly before, I actually helped them while they were in trouble. I overheard them sneaking food and snacks to us and there was a teacher. Mr. Slughorn was actually about to send them in detention and I chimed in with a good homework excuse. I could save them from detention and the day ended with us four eating snacks in our room while playing a few games.
I still don't know why I helped them but I speculate it had something to do with the way Sirius looked at me like I was his only hope. It enveloped a tradition between us, that every once a month on Tuesday, we play a few games.
"How is your Mum doing?" Asked Sirius worried while we were walking down the stairs to the great hall.
"She is better…" I mumbled not wanting to make up more informations then necessary.
"So, you guys ready for Defense of Dark arts?" asked James sensing the sensitive theme and heavy silence.
"I am ready for eating a lot of pancakes!" Murmured Peter and dug in. The atmosphere lightened as the hall filled with students.
Some owls arrived and when Peter's landed on the table everyone's eyes were on the chocolate bars and no one bothered me.
I fell in my usual depression that came before and after a transformation.
The silver knife in my tight pocket felt heavy. I wanted to excuse myself and go get it out but it was definitely too late.
The others slowly stood up. I hadn't noticed I had ate but I knew I did. I almost ate in trance so to say, I do it every day. When the others ask, I just tell them I am tired but that wasn't true. I just think too much, that I do the rest in stand by.
As we entered the Defence class room the bell ring. Sirius shot a worried glance at me when I slightly jumped at the sound.
Professor Aldered locked at me pity full. That meant I wouldn't like the theme coming up. As I thought he started off with an introduction on the field mythical creatures listing some and then focusing on Werewolf's.
I sighed, a little too loud, cause James who was sitting next to me asked if everything was ok. I nodded.
The prof continued with a presentation explaining from head on what a werewolf was and how someone becomes one. At that I subconsciously shifted my leg uncontrollably. There still was a visible bite mark from that son of a bitch called Fenrir Greyback.
When he was getting to the point of a monthly transformation, I had enough. I couldn't stand hearing that. Not when I just felt that what he was talking about. I searched for a way out but I found that everything I would try would be too suspicious.
My hand wandered in my pocket. Nobody had noticed. As my hand was rubbing against the silver, almost leaving a trace and I could feel that particular sting, the door swung open.
Professor Sprout went in with firm steps. "Could I please borrow Remus real quick? His and his groups Alraune need some attention."
To my surprise, Professor Aldered wasn't disturbed. He nodded with a little smile on his face. I was pretty sure that was planned but better for me I guess.
My hand moved out of my pocket and I stood up. I followed Professor Sprout. When we entered the glass house from our year and she looked at me.
"You can water the Alraunes if you want. We honestly just wanted to spare you from this subject for now so you can relax. Just get back to class whenever you want. You are excused." With a smile she left the glass house.
I couldn't even thank her but I didn't need to. She understood. I was so grateful. My knees felt like gummy so I slid down the wall next to the Alraunes.
The wolf was so present in my mind. It was overwhelming. My hand slid into my pocket and I grabbed the silver blade. I looked at it sliding my sleeves up.
My skin was pretty pale for that of a health human. No wonder, I was loosing blood pretty often but I pushed those thoughts aside and let my mind drift off as I placed the knife on my arms once again.
The first cut made me sigh in pain and agony as I felt the tingling sharpness. Sometimes the wolf inside communicates. I can feel his presence and hear the things he wants. Right now he was trying to get to me but that was the last thing I wanted fearing him controlling me.
Cutting myself made this voice disappear and I just kept on doing it. My blade dancing along my arms. My motions were getting faster and more and more disoriented.
I didn't know how long I did it. All I was feeling was pain and it felt like I deserved it. The blood dripped out more and more frequently making my heart ache.
When I was starting to feel dizzy, I came to a stop. I sat there watching my blood run down my arm and landing on the floor like in a trance.
I slowly regained my conciseness. My eyes widened when I stared at the puddle of blood and saw my reflection. My usually green eyes were gleaming amber. I blinked a few times afraid they might not turn back normal but they did.
I tried to get back up, but my legs weren't working. I sat there next to a puddle of blood with my eyes shot tightly when a voice startled me.
"What? Remus?" Asked Sirius with wide eyes and shocked face.