Chapter 2: Confessions and Mapo Tofu

November 27, 1994

Fuyuki Church

Fuyuki City, Japan

8:51 AM

Kirei Kotomine sat in the front pew of the church, his father standing before him. When the younger priest had told Risei that he had an urgent need to confess his sins, the old man was surprised. "Do you wish to confess to another priest, Kirei? I am willing to hear your confession, but I am not unaware that some might prefer a priest other than their own father to serve as the intermediary to God." The man gave a good-natured smile at this comment.

The younger of the two priests did not truly want to do this, but he remembered the final words spoken to him by his Servant, the one whom he had considered his grandmother. "Kirei-chan...don't let the words of that filth and the taint of this place consume you. If you die, meet your God as you are. If you live, talk to Risei-kun about everything. It's okay to rely on your father sometimes, you know?" How could he ignore it when those words held a plea for his very soul?

"I am certain, Father," Kirei said this title in both the religious and paternal context. "We're the only ones who can hear each others' confessions regarding this Grail War. I also must confess some things that I have hidden from you that you should know as my parent...even if it destroys your preconceptions of me as a good and pious son."

Risei wondered what was so serious that his son would speak in such a manner. During his time as an Executor, Kirei was sometimes required to shoulder sins committed while doing the work of God. This contradiction was not something Kirei was ignorant of, meaning that what he had to confess was arguably worse than the taking of life. "Very well. In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."

As the Sacrament of Penance formally began, Kirei made the sign of the cross. "Amen."

Gathering himself for a moment, Kirei's expression turned empty as he began to confess. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been a week since my last confession, but I must admit to things not disclosed in my prior confessions. The root of my problems is something that carries the same weight as mortal sin. I have been, from the time of my birth, a sociopath unable to find pleasure in anything but the suffering of myself and others." Risei's eyes widened at this surprising admission from his son. "I am unable to feel positive emotions from healthy sources. Nothing I have ever done in my life, no accomplishment I have ever made, has brought me joy or satisfaction. The pleasure that devoting one's self to the Lord brings has never filled me, even though I have spent my life seeking deliverance from my evil nature. The more that I sought salvation through good works, the more I was mistaken for a good man. I grew to believe that joy was itself sinful, for any pleasure I feel is evil." Risei's shocked expression did not change, but he chose not to interrupt his son. His son, who was known for his piety and who had been a source of pride for Risei...was admitting to being so fundamentally damaged as a human being as to define himself as evil.

He had no idea that things were about to get far worse.

"I sought the capacity to feel love and attempted to make a family. The woman I chose, Claudia, knew me better than anyone else alive...and still she struggled to save me in spite of her body's failings. She gave me a daughter and did everything a good wife should, but I could not love her. Observing her suffering only brought me more pleasure, and that brought me more shame. I contemplated joining her in death when her time came, but she turned out to have other intentions. Claudia committed suicide in front of me, Father, to call up any feelings of love my wicked heart might have been able to muster. She saw my tears and died feeling that she had succeeded, but the tears were only because I had not taken her life myself. I knew at that moment that someone like me could never be saved, for I am in a constant state of mortal sin. I gave up my daughter, Caren, because I realized that I would either break her as a person or end her life if I raised her myself. It was the best I could do for her, giving her parents that would actually care."

Kirei pondered for a moment, knowing in his mind that this must be tearing his father apart. Like a true sociopath, however, he lacked the ability to truly empathize with him. That part of his being was broken. "It was shortly after that when I was deemed a Master in the Grail War, learned the sins that are Magecraft, and summoned a spirit from beyond the grave; all heresies tolerated by the Church out of necessity. I did not understand why I was called on by the Grail at first. However...I think that in my moment of weakness from Claudia's death, and the realization that there is no place for a man like myself in the sight of the Lord, the Grail sought me as a tool. In another World, I embraced my nature and became that tool to murder Tokiomi. Ten years later, I'd conspire to awaken Angra Mainyu and release All the World's Evil onto the planet."

Kirei's fists clenched at his sides. "I want to say that I couldn't foresee that in myself, but I'd be lying. The way I felt when Claudia killed herself. The...warped sense of joy when I saw Sakura Tohsaka's suffering in the Matou basement. The evil desires I felt upon seeing the sacrifices and 'art' of Caster and his group. The odd understanding I felt toward those killers and their brand of madness when it was imposed on the World. I've felt these sinful things and can see how I would fall. Were it not for Grandmother pleading to me to seek your counsel, to remember that God loves me in spite of my sins instead of because of them, I probably would have fallen last night."

Kirei gave an almost imperceptible sigh, unable to meet his father's eyes. "These are my sins...that is all, Father."

There was a form and function to this process...but in Risei's mind, that flew out the window as the silence stretched on. He contemplated what he had heard and processed it with what he had seen in his son's life. What he had overlooked. The signs he'd failed to observe. Thankfully, he had ample experience that had come from interacting with so many different people and their unique needs. Thus, instead of simply dispensing a judgment on how many prayers should be given or what actions should be made to atone, the man went in a different direction.

"I am sorry for my sins," Risei said, borrowing a line that Kirei himself could have been scripted to say at this confession. "It is the duty of the father to see such things in his child and meet his needs. Or at least to help the child understand if such a resolution isn't possible."

Risei stepped forward and had a seat next to his son while contemplating his next words. He honestly wanted to shed tears, but his son had come to him with a true need for perhaps the first time since his childhood. It was time for parenting, not grief. "It is true that to wish evil for someone, even if silently, counts as a sin. To carry such thoughts to begin with corrupts the soul if one does not confess and truly repent of them. I needn't discuss with you how the Church views the weight of murder, but remember that mental illness and one's honest efforts to repent are factors in the eyes of both the Church and God. If you are truly a sociopath who cannot help but be as you are, and yet are truly repentant of such thoughts while refusing to give them action, then you can still be forgiven by the Lord. The fact you have chosen to dedicate yourself to God, even while unable to feel the Holy Spirit because of this flaw, makes your salvation possible...so long as you accept one simple lesson."

"...what lesson would that be, Father?" Kirei asked in mild confusion.

Risei gave a sad smile. "Kirei, there are those who are plagued with more suffering and difficulties than others, some for their whole lives. Many people seek deliverance without truly realizing that the salvation the Lord speaks of is not in this World but in the next. This is a world of suffering...of catharsis...a place where we are taught lessons while the Lord offers a helping hand when truly needed. Only when we properly learn the lessons God intends for us and leave this life for the next can we truly know the weight of His love. You must learn that it is not yet time for you to find peace, nor can you hasten it with an early death. Your salvation will surely come, but only in God's good time."

Kirei's eyes closed. "So I must endure like this until I die in the vain hope that a sociopath can one day find his way into Heaven?"

Risei pondered how best to word it in a way other than 'yes' before his experience guided him to the answer. "Vain? Kirei...you say a sociopath who feels nothing can't be saved no matter how much he earnestly seeks the Lord or does good works. I say a sociopath who earnestly seeks the Lord will be saved, the damage to his soul healed in the end, and his good works will represent an even greater reward in Heaven because his burden made those good deeds carry that much more weight. Those who are the most burdened in this life and still persevere are the ones most favored in the eyes of God. It may not happen until you have died, and you may have to endure purgatory before you stand with the Lord, but it will happen."

The old priest couldn't help but wrap an arm around his son's shoulders, not even sure if the gesture of comfort would ultimately have any meaning. He had to attempt to reach his son. "We have to try, Kirei. That's how the Lord judges us. Not by successfully purging ourselves of sin and becoming 'good people', but in that we never stop trying and having faith that the Lord will forgive us for the times we come up short. Restore your belief in salvation, Kirei. If you are not beyond the love of your flawed and inattentive human father, you are certainly not beyond the love of the Lord."

Kirei's expression was one of surprise. He thought he would be condemned for what he was by Risei. That he would be hated for not living up to the pride and idealized image the man had created in his own mind. Instead...he found acceptance. Did this mean the Lord might accept him as well? Even as flawed as he was? Clearly, Kirei had a great deal to think about.

"For your penance, you will assist in managing the aftermath of this Holy Grail War. This includes helping me perform the necessary religious services and charitable acts to help Fuyuki recover. Finally...you will spend time with your daughter. I acknowledge that you did the best you could for her in your current situation by trusting her to someone else, but Caren should at least know her father. In the meantime, read Matthew 7 with special consideration of verses 7, 8, and 11."

Kirei, still surprised by his father's response, gave a small nod and entered into the Act of Contrition. "My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. In his name, my God, have mercy. Amen."

Risei responded with the Words of Absolution. "God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of His Son, has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; Through the ministry of the church, may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins, in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."

Once more, Kirei made a sign of the cross. "Amen."

Risei nodded and added, "The Lord has freed you from your sins. Go in peace." He knew there would not be peace for his son. At least not entirely. But hopefully, he at least knew that the path he had walked before was not the wrong one. Indeed, it was the only one that could reach salvation.

"Thanks be to God," Kirei said, though he did not immediately leave the Fuyuki Church. No...instead, his father handed him a Bible. Kirei quickly understood what was being asked of him. The pair read from Scripture as they had in Kirei's youth, this time from the Book of Matthew. Kirei took special note of Matthew 7 as his penance demanded. Though it spoke of how easy it was to slip into damnation, a tightrope Kirei was all too aware of, it also spoke of how important it was to seek God. Verses 7, 8, and 11; however, carried messages of a more positive nature.

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

Kirei couldn't help but note the relevance as that last verse hit him quite close to home. It made him think of the daughter he gave up. "Father. How is Caren doing? Claudia's parents refuse to tell me."

Risei's expression turned slightly displeased, though it wasn't at Kirei. "That's because those people don't know or care how she's doing. I was given a dream that they were about to give her up to a cruel priest, and it proved to be true. I had to take custody of her with the Church's support to make certain that she was in a better place and ask your brother to care for her for the duration of the War. The plan was to tell you after your apprenticeship with Tokiomi and the War were both over. Only now can you do anything you can do about the matter anyway." Risei had thanked God for the dream at the time, unable to recognize more of Merlin's meddling for what it was.

The Executor was a bit surprised, but ultimately accepted these words and resumed reading from Scripture. He couldn't help but improve his opinion of his father, given that the man didn't cast out or condemn his evil son for not living up to the mental image he might have carried. It made Kirei dare to feel something vaguely approximating hope.

"Thank you, Father," Kirei uttered this half out of obligation...but the meaning of the other half was still there regardless.

December 20, 1994

Kotomine Residence

Fuyuki City, Japan

6:04 PM

A humble rental car pulled into the driveway of a nondescript home in Fuyuki, albeit one that had been recently constructed. The driver stepped out of the car and looked it over. It was a small, respectable home with a yard that one might hope to retire to in their old age and entertain their grandchildren in—something that Shirou Kotomine, secretly the Third Holy Grail War's Ruler-class Servant Shirou Tokisada Amakusa, could honestly say that his friend and adopted father deserved. The grounds were recently cleansed by a powerful holy energy and the Catholic Church's equivalent of a Bounded Field was raised. It did not lose to the Fuyuki Church in its defenses and was better suited to the raising of a child...especially one with Caren's special needs. It was a better future than being used as a daemon detector by the Church. Such sacrifice was only meaningful if the bearer had the wherewithal to knowingly shoulder that burden by their own will.

"...we're there?" Caren Kotomine(formerly Hortensia), babbled sleepily through her jet lag as she was helped out of the car.. Shirou Kotomine smiled at the four-year-old who he had helped care for during the war and Fuyuki City's reconstruction phase.

"Yes. This is your Grandfather Risei's house. The Magi gave it to him because of the unfair burdens he bore, and he hopes you will grow up safely here." His thoughts were interrupted as he saw Risei step out onto the porch, still clad in his humble priestly dress, but greatly changed.

"Father...you look so much younger!" This was not empty praise. Risei Kotomine had spent enough time in Shirou's Texture over the past little while for the Avalon-like properties to begin doing their work. The man now looked as he did in the Third Holy Grail War, with the exception that his hair had retained its white coloration.

The girl was confused by the sight and took several moments to recognize her grandfather as he appeared in old photographs. "...you're not wrinkly anymore!"

"One of the few positive effects of the Grail War. The use of ancient Magecraft and Noble Phantasms can cause various effects to their surroundings." When Risei started to regress in age due to visiting Shirou's Texture repeatedly, he reported to the Church that Saint Artoria had exposed him to the scabbard Avalon and that it seemed to have the delayed effect of healing his body of the ravages of age. The King had even gone ahead and did so in a scripted event, temporarily providing a Shirou-made copy to him so he could speak such honestly under a geas. With that, and physical confirmation that he was in no way possessed or corrupted, no more questions were asked. Who would question the blessing of a Saint?

Risei knelt down and gave the drowsy girl a hug. "You're right, Caren! This old man's fit as a fiddle and ready to keep going for another 60 years! I have to use a special item to make myself look old when I go outside the house and yard, though. It's like how girls who want to be prettier sometimes use makeup, but I have to use it to look old and wrinkly just so people still recognize me." This comparison made Caren smile in amusement.

Shirou Kotomine was honestly pleased to see the pious man's fortune and blessings. He had persevered and been rewarded. "I see...if you need advice regarding the oddities of such a life, I might be able to answer some of your questions. How is Kirei, though?"

"Fine-tuning his spicy food recipes in the shed. I dare not let him cook in the house. The scent alone would burn your eyes." Risei said, earning a slightly confused look from Caren.

"Spicy food?" Shirou Kotomine inquired in confusion.

Kirei gave a light sigh. "When he was manning the soup kitchen in town at the end of last month, Kirei saw a man suffer through his meal when the pepper shaker's lid fell off. It was too hot for him, but he ate it anyway because he was simply that hungry. After witnessing that, Kirei decided to practice making spicy foods from his travels around the world and perhaps make them available to others who dared to try."

"...ah. It's a safe outlet for him," Shirou Kotomine realized.

Risei found that statement telling. "...you knew?"

"I suspected, but Kirei never asked for help or did anything warranting criticism. I chose to have faith." Shirou Kotomine actually stayed far from his brother not only because of their respective duties but also because each detected that the other wasn't quite as they appeared and was perceptive enough to expose them. Shirou Kotomine had his own secrets to keep, after all.

Caren was confused by the conversation, focusing mainly on the mental image of someone burning their mouth on something spicy and simply continuing to eat. She couldn't help but giggle tiredly at the idea before yawning.

"Oh? Someone's a bit tired. Maybe we should have you rest before meeting your father. You have a nice, comfy bed waiting in your room for you..." Risei said, guiding the girl into the house. Caren Kotomine would soon be sleeping well.

Risei would sigh, walking outside with Shirou Kotomine to the shed and knocking on the door. Only once Risei knocked would a powerful ventilator turn on in a vain attempt to make the interior of the building inhabitable. After about fifteen seconds, Kirei would open the door and reveal the scent of spicy death. "Father. Brother." Kirei acknowledged the presence of each.

"Kirei...your daughter arrived and is asleep in bed. I understand that you are nervous about greeting her, but hiding in here will not accomplish anything." Risei said, gently chiding his son.

Kirei gave a nod and reflected on the matter. "I know, Father. I honestly lost track of time making her welcome dinner. That is not an excuse, however. I do confess that making her this meal was an...excuse to distract myself. I do not want to corrupt her growth or curse her into being like me." Shirou Kotomine was surprised. Seeing Kirei like this was quite unusual. Uncertainty didn't seem to be something he tended to carry outwardly like this.

Something else gave the Ruler-class Servant pause, however. "And you believe something spicy enough to taint the air is edible for a four-year-old?"

Kirei looked honestly confused at the question. "Is it not? I know children are well past milk by that age. I even made several versions with various levels of spiciness just in case."

Risei and Shirou were quiet. Kirei was right to have someone else raise the child—for more reasons than any of them knew. At least now the man would have ample help.

October 19, 1999

Spice of Life

Fuyuki City, Japan

5:04 PM

The restaurant Spice of Life, threatened by the aftermath of the Fourth Holy Grail War during its time as Hongzhou Feast Hall: Taishan, was something Kirei Kotomine did not obtain for profit. No, it was something he obtained because it brought him pleasure. He loved eating the mapo tofu himself, but he also loved watching the customers endure the pain they put themselves through eating it and other spicy recipes from around the planet as well. Whether they wandered in overconfident and found themselves chugging down milk to stop the burning of their sensitive tongues before leaving forever, or whether they came back to repeat the endeavor in a mix of determination and varying levels of masochism, Kirei loved it all. He did not need to twist his sermons into painful and sadistic encounters. No, because he had this the rest of the time.

Kirei looked over to his nine-year-old daughter Caren, who spent a great deal of time at this restaurant people watching and learning how to cook the weapons-grade meals, as they both observed a businessman daring his underling to consume a whole plate of one of the spicier dishes. Kirei and Caren knew what was going to happen as soon as the businessman dragged his coworker inside and they had ensured that they personally cooked this meal together. The more strained and red the underling's face became while consuming the mapo tofu she had helped to make, the wider and more angelic his daughter's smile became.

She was not broken in the way he was. Caren was not born with quite the same nature and the support of a strong and close-knit community saw that his own influence did not take root too deeply. There were other things in life that gave her pleasure and made her happy. Still, they shared enough to bond in their own strange and sadomasochistic way as father and daughter—over a mutual appreciation of painfully spicy food and observing the unique and varied reactions of the people who consumed it.

Author's Note: I always wondered what Caren might be like if she was taken out of her horrible upbringing in time and raised by her grandfather while he was still alive. Or what would happen if Kirei confessed his nature to his father. Those ideas led to this. Caren still retains shades of Kirei in her nature but is a more well-adjusted individual overall. There's no magically healing Kirei of what he is innately lacking in—not without consequences—but there are ways he can still find meaning in life.