But I wanted a Pony
Chapter 18
In which, the poor centaurs are forced to explain.
Harry Potter-Black got a letter from Hagrid. He'd been dreading this since the prophecy about his daughter broke years ago.
An invite to meet the centaurs tomorrow.
Harry apparated to the gates of Hogwarts, slipped inside and wandered down to Hagrid's hut, and Hagrid, looking pensive, took Harry on a long walk into the forest.
To a clearing with a centaur in it. An armed centaur.
"Hello" said Harry, and Hagrid slipped away silently. Harry swallowed. That bad.
"The destroyer has come" said the centaur "The stars and planets are wrenched from fates' orbit."
Harry tried to work out what the hell that meant.
"The Destroyer has seeded the universes with her poisonous fruit." said the centaur.
Harry swallowed again with difficulty. Shit. It really was Caph. The bloody jumper. All she was doing was…
"The fate of universes deranged, the destroyer grows larger. Every universe she deranges, another destroyer rises, to destroy all." said the centaur.
Harry mentally rearranged that for a bit. Caph changed fate in... that there universe. The one where Harry asked Daphne out to Hogsmeade, in fifth year. Which… would meant Caph got born… and probably… the war ended really early, and Theo… fuck, Theo would make a jumper in That universe, and Caph would… fuck, Caph would totally find the letter, the love letters, all the stuff, and there was no way his daughter was letting… any universe exist that didn't have mummy and daddy married.
Harry felt a moment's pride. Is this how Merope Gaunt would have felt, if she'd lived, seen Tom taking over the world, he wondered. It felt… like pride, which was an odd thing, as usually Caph just made him want to face-palm.
Only, his Caph was still grounded, but… she'd made another Caph, who would… make as many as she could.
The existence of universes where the fates decreed things turned out differently would hinge on parallel universe versions of Harry and Daphne's parenting skills being up to stopping Caph from doing what she wanted. Harry thought about that for a moment more.
"We're fucked" said Harry eloquently.
The Centaur looked at Harry dismissively.
"Look, my daughter's… got my attitude and her mother's determination. She's been a force of nature since she was three. We've been really careful to ensure she only interacted with centaurs and even horses respectfully. We… we never guessed she'd change other universes. We thought it was all about centaurs. I got Hermione Granger to change the laws – " said Harry, to be interrupted by the Centaur holding him at spear-point.
"You!, you made that change happen. We never wanted to be involved with your human politics." said the centaur bitterly "They come campaigning for our votes. They try to buy our votes with promises. And they press us to reveal the outcome of their pathetic elections!"
"Well, one of you could stand for election instead" said Harry, pressing the spear-point away from him. "I'd vote centaur."
"We don't like humans" said the centaur. "The ministry is a dung-heap!"
"We've got opinion that in common" said Harry, nodding. "Someone like Bane would be a great minister for magic."
"Bane is a hothead who hates humans" said the centaur.
"He wouldn't make a lot of friends, no" agreed Harry "But he's honest, and that'd be a great change to the dung-heap."
"Bane would only want to ban humans from our lands, to gather back what we lost" said the centaur.
Harry nodded "A single-issue politician, who's honest. He'd be a breath of fresh air."
"And he wouldn't be in the forest much" mused the centaur "Out of our manes."
Harry nodded "I see this plan has a lot of good in it." he said.
"You" said the centaur slowly "Are from the house of snakes, aren't you."
"My wife" dissembled Harry.
"We hate snakes. You are a snake-talker." said the centaur.
"All my family have always been like this" admitted Harry.
"You are from the house of snakes" said the centaur slowly "I am Amiphael, and our legends tell of the house of snakes."
"Good things, I hope?" said Harry, smiling hopefully.
"That they are untrustworthy, and have a huge snake" said Amiphael.
"Had a huge snake" said Harry gently, "My uncle used it as a weapon some years back. I killed it, rather than have it injure or kill people."
"There is a prophecy… Slytherins's child is never mild, his tongue is forked and his hair is wild" recited Amipahel from memory.
"I really resent prophecies that make fun of my hair" said Harry quietly.
"You have killed the snake?" asked Amiphael.
"When I was twelve. A child." said Harry "And then Uncle Tom. He used the acromantula and the giants. I'm sorry he did so much evil, but I was only just a man, it was hard to kill him."
"Killing ones family to safeguard others is a terrible burden" said Amiphael.
"No, I meant he was really hard to kill. Hue was a dreadfully powerful dark wizard" corrected Harry. "Immortal for a while" Harry added.
"Mars was very bright for a long time" said Amiphael. Harry nodded.
"Your child is still the destroyer." said Amipahel.
"But" said Harry "She did it wanting her parents to have the love my wife and I have… and found other universes where we were not together. She did it out of a misguided love for us."
"However well-meaning her actions were, the destroyer wrenches the planets from fates orbit." said Amiphael.
"Can it be undone?" asked Harry.
"What is torn cannot be unbroken" said Amiphael. "Soon the planets will be just lights in the sky."
"Sorry" said Harry, feeling like he had to say… something. Other peoples' children broke vases in shops, splintered side-tables, but no, his eldest daughter had to destroy parts of the universe. In multiple universes. 'Why me,' mused Harry. 'I'm not a bad person.'
Amiphael looked up at the sky "When I look up, I used to see the future. Now… I see small things, soon, I will only see lights."
"Well," said Harry "At least you can look at the beauty, and not see the fates, and let then come out how they will."
Amiphael snorted and pawed the ground with his front hoofs "You would have us live like mere humans, unable to see tomorrow."
Harry swallowed "Well, there's tea-leaves, sticks, crystal balls, tarot. Lots of things" he suggested.
Amiphael snorted more loudly "You do not see. All these things are small distorted parts of the whole, of the universe. When the planets mean nothing, the sticks are just sticks, the cards, just cards. The future will be unknowable."
"Well" offered Harry feebly "There's waiting to see how it comes out."
Amiphael reared and galloped off. Harry blinked, having seen Centaur-bits. Crikey. And learnt something really important about divination. Which was odd, as the centaurs usually kept it really vague.
Harry apparated home, and went in the kitchen door. The kitchen was full, suffused even, with the scent of cooking bread, and something spicy. Harry looked over, and Jimmy was sitting at the table, wand out, poking in the direction of the stove, where a large spoon stirred something steaming.
"Boss" said Jimmy.
"Jimmy" said Harry. "Where's Daphne, do you know?"
"At Mrs Malfoy's" said Jimmy "left an hour ago."
Harry nodded.
"It's so quiet without your kids here" said Jimmy.
"Um, yeah" said Harry awkwardly.
"And I only have to make cake once a week." added Jimmy.
"You can send her some at Hogwarts if you want" said Harry. "But that means seven boxes."
"I'm just the chef, boss. That's a parent thing" said Jimmy. Harry nodded.
"Should I make up some cake boxes. Welfare packs?" asked Jimmy.
"Spiced pies" suggested Harry "little ones, so they can share them round."
"Fiddly charms work getting them to travel by air. Fruit-cake'd be easier" said Jimmy.
"When has easy ever mattered to you?" asked Harry.
"I'll get Mrs Foster to do it… she's a dab hand at charms" said Jimmy.
"And Davis supplying the fruit. Team effort then?" asked Harry.
"This place is dead quiet without them round." said Jimmy firmly "We're all used to them, we've all worked here since before they were born."
Harry frowned "Do you ever want to leave?" asked Harry.
"Every June fifteenth" said Jimmy bluntly, "Then I get used to them again."
"I mean, your life" said Harry.
"The floo's on in here, and my rooms' just down the hall" said Jimmy "And my bed's not that small."
Harry frowned. Had Jimmy just hinted that he had visitors? Like he'd know.
"Besides, I've got a column in Witch weekly these days… they come and interview me monthly." said Jimmy. "Down at the Lark, of course. Not on site."
"Column?"
"I'm famous, you know… chef to your family, and Mrs B's quite famous." said Jimmy.
"Ever thought of opening a restaurant?" asked Harry.
"Nah, I just do events here" said Jimmy "You provide the buildings, tools and food… I get reviews in the Prophet."
"Our parties get reviews?" asked Harry, feeling suddenly naked.
"Mrs B's tea-parties get reviewed in the society pages" said Jimmy. "If I could do events proper-like, we'd get pretty excellent reviews."
"Well, next time we're on holiday, go crazy" said Harry.
"Nurmegard again, boss?" asked Jimmy cheekily.
"Once. I get imprisoned once, and nobody ever lets me forget it" complained Harry.
"You two should go to Paris, like." said Jimmy "Mum says that Mrs B had a fine old time in Paris back before you got married. And it's romantic and stuff."
"Want us out of the house?" asked Harry.
"Well, a bit" said Jimmy. "For a break."
"As long as nobody uses our bedroom, I… I could go with that." said Harry.
"Well, there's just convincing Mrs B. And you're the world expert on that" said Jimmy, with a wink.
Harry rolled his eyes.
"You're the one with twelve kids" said Jimmy.
"Lobster thermador tomorrow?" asked Harry.
"Ohh… that's pulling out the stops" said Jimmy "I'll see what I can do."
Harry went into the office and had a quick look at the blackboard. Nothing in his square.
He went to the upstairs parlour, and Mrs Foster was dusting with her wand.
"Mr Black" she said.
"Mrs Foster" said Harry, going to the writing desk and opening it, and penning a quick summary of what the centaur had said, before he forgot.
"Something come up then?" asked Mrs Foster. Harry looked over at the wall, where Ron's brains had splattered. He took a few calming breaths. He was fine. "Had to go see the centaurs, about Cassiopia's prophecy. It's started, and…"
"She'd grounded" said Mrs Foster.
"Until she' thirty" said Harry.
"Quite" said Mrs Foster. "Madam is at her sisters. I believe for swimming and tea."
Harry nodded.
"Will there be ructions" asked Mrs Foster.
"I don't believe so" said Harry "Caph started it, but the problem is getting worse, and I don't see it getting better."
"But Miss Cassiopeia has never even ridden a horse, Sir."
"Well, that. Um, well, we misinterpreted the prophecy. And the bloody Centaurs have another prophecy about me." said Harry.
"Oh dear." said Mes Foster "The last one didn't go very well at all."
Harry looked over at Mrs Foster, who was holding her hands, clenched tight, and frowning.
"Oh it's nothing special" said Harry "They just… they have a poem to recognise me by." He smoothed his hair reflexively.
"Mentions the hair troubles, then" said Mrs Foster with the same sort of tight smile McGonagall had.
"Almost exclusively." said Harry "Are we still having snake problems?"
"Not since the older ones left for Hogwarts" said Mrs Foster.
"Any indications that they smuggled snakes out?" asked Harry.
"Mrs Black would know" said Mrs Foster "I certainly wouldn't search the children's trunks."
"Pinching booze?" asked Harry.
"Not unless they made convincing replacements" said Mrs Foster.
Something twigged in Harry's brain.
"Mrs Foster?" asked Harry "In the cellar. There were big bottles of old fruit wine."
"Far too large to fit in a trunk" said Mrs Foster.
Harry apparated to the downstairs hall, and turned on the cellar lights. Light-bulb singular anyway.
Unlocking the door, he went down the stairs and soon found the large bottles, on a shelf in the corner, full of murky looking fruit wine that dated from the thirties. They all looked undisturbed, and uniformly slightly dusty. Which was odd, as he remembered Daphne and George dusting some off, back in the distant past.
Harry had a small brain-wave and looked carefully at the shelf. The shelf which had faint marks under the dust, as if several other large bottles had been removed. Oh, thought Harry, I hate being right.
Harry went upstairs, locked the cellar, turned off the light, and went back to the parlour, less speedily. Mrs Foster was inexplicably still dusting.
"Sir"
"They've pinched entire bottles of it" said Harry "Teddy, Caph or Altair?"
"The younger ones are, if you don't mind me saying, not exactly innocent lambs."
"But also, probably can't shrink a large bottle" said Harry.
"Well, Edward is quite a talented young wizard" said Mrs Foster.
Harry got back from visiting Andromeda, in time to see Daphne step out of the fireplace, carrying a sports-bag.
"Oh, dear, there you are" she said, heading for the laundry.
"Mmm. Hagrid's summons was worse than I expected" said Harry, following.
Daphne threw – since when did she own a bikini thong? – into the washing machine, followed by a towel. She slammed the washing machine door a little more firmly than Harry would have liked.
"How bad is it" she asked, not moving.
"Well, the good news is, you can teach Caph to ride." said Harry.
Daphne very precisely poured washing powder into the washer's little tray and set it going, "and the bad news?" Daphne asked, turning to look Harry in the eyes.
"We totally misinterpreted the prophecy. And it's over, pretty much." said Harry.
"But she's alive and unhurt." said Daphne.
"Well, yes, but" said Harry.
"But what.?"
Harry cast Snape's privacy charm.
"You know how Caph stole that jumper thing from Theo, and went to another universe?"
Daphne nodded.
"That's what the prophecy is about. Um… how did it go… the destroyer has seeded the universes with her poisonous fruit." said Harry.
"Which means what?"
"What she did" said Harry, and Daphne blushed.
"Yeah, so making sure we date at Hogwarts, in that universe" said Harry "Makes Caph get born sooner. And that Caph finds the love-letters and stuff… and steals… stole a jumper… and… well she – not our one – she did more than one universe. And Those Caph's…."
"Oh dear" said Daphne, putting one hand to her mouth.
"I'm really embarrassed" admitted Harry "I feel… oddly proud. Our daughter, well versions of her, is destroying the fate of multiple universes. The Centaurs, well one of their seers, finally explained what the hell is going on. When she does that, it starts breaking the connection between the stars and fate. So… Centaurs stop being able to see the future so clearly. They think it'll get so broken that stars will be just lights in the sky."
"So they'll have to use other means of divination," said Daphne, "not the end of the world."
"Ah" said Harry awkwardly. "The cards, the sticks, stones…. Everything else is just a smaller reflection of the whole. All divination is going down the loo, and Caph started it."
"A smaller refection of the whole?" asked Daphne, straightening her robe-front.
"Yeah, Amriphaeal, I think that was his name, he explained. Which is odd, as centaurs are really cagey usually at explaining anything to do with divination."
Daphne sighed "There I was thinking you knew divination theory." she said.
Harry shrugged "I do, it's just I learnt it today. And I told you first."
"So… Caph… is destroying divination. I can see they might be irritated about that." said Daphne, lifting one eyebrow, "Is there a risk of war?"
"Not… exactly." said Harry "But there might be a centaur running for Minister of magic. I said I'd vote Centaur."
Daphne closed her eyes and said something silently. She opened her eyes "Are you joking?"
"No" said Harry. "Single issue politician that hates the ministry, what's not to like?"
"Sometimes" said Daphne "You're a lot like my father."
"I'm so not like your father" said Harry "That'd be gross… you have a bikini thong?"
"Well, one rests after one's swim, in the sun" said Daphne. "And as my husband never finished the swimming pool."
"Couldn't get planning permission for a roof" said Harry.
"I got to see my poor sister. Who, incidentally, is up the duff."
"Really?"
"I think so. She's not saying anything, but porky, tires easily and soppy words about Michael." said Daphne. "Who was a good choice, he certainly keeps secrets from her, and that keeps her interested."
"Those are vows of office, I think" said Harry. "Does that make me the matchmaker of the family?"
"Not at all. You didn't date me at school" said Daphne. "And that would have been your best choice."
"Yes dear" said Harry automatically "Though technically there are many… many, more universe where I did. And that's Caph's doing, and we made Caph."
"You're marginally ahead then." said Daphne "I'll work out the arithmancy, I think as the number of universes with us married in it trends to infinity, your lead shrinks to nearly zero, and I'm the one that thought of Hermione and Theo."
"As the number of universes with us married in it trends to infinity, your lead shrinks to nearly zero" said Harry.
"Prat" said Daphne.
Harry laced his arms around her waist. "Your prat" said Harry.
"You're smarter than you look" murmured Daphne into his ear.
The washing machine beeps meant out of balance, apparently.