I Love You Even After Death

Summary: Ian Edgerton didn't know he was capable of love until he had it. Now, he'd grown addicted to it, desperate to keep the warmth in his life. Even after they broke up, Ian still loved him. It doesn't matter, does it? He was the only one for Ian. He'll make him see even if it's the last thing he did

Warning: Not a happy ending. Implied abuse but it's very faint. Ian is extremely obsessive and possessive here so rotten ass vibes all around. Ian has gone off the deep end. Ian also ends his own life in the end.

Disclaimer: I don't own the show nor do I own the song that inspired this called Kill Bill by SZA. Let's see how long I can keep this before it gets taken down and I have to revise everything again. Btw, if anyone is interested in listening to the song, I urge you to listen to Caleb Hyles's version. That's I was listening to as I wrote this.

A/N: Hey...so this is the first time I've ever posted something on different days on different platforms. Unfortunately, FF.N doesn't allow song lyrics so I had to completely revise the entire thing. I have another one that I posted on Ao3 and it's a bit different so if you guys want to see the changed I made, feel free to hop over there. I hope it doesn't end up sounding too weird without it. Also, I know considering my track record, y'all could already tell whose in this. But, let's just pretend you don't and we're not even going to mention them until the end, cool? Cool.

Anyways, enjoy Ian going crazy and have a nice day!

Ian twitched as he watched from afar, itching to go in and hold the man like he used to do so long ago. Another ceremony that he had been banned from mostly because of the subject in question. The man had filed a restraining order against him, barring Ian from ever coming near. He mentally scoffed, as if that could keep the sniper away from what he wanted.

The man definitely deserved the awards he was getting, even if he didn't feel like he did if the awkward shifting was anything to go by. Nothing in the world would stop Ian from coming to see the man finally get the recognition he deserved, even if Ian had to sneak up trees and infiltrate the staff to see.

God he was too pretty for his own good. The blinding smile was as bright as he remembered. Although it had dimmed during their time together, even if Ian didn't understand why. He did everything he could to protect the other man, why couldn't he see it? There was a reason why he barred the sociable agent from going out, he was too much of a trouble magnet for his own good. Ian tried his best to make sure that he was the only one who could make him happy.

But now? Now his spot had been taken.

He had to fight a growl that threatened to emit from the back of his throat when another man wrapped his hands around the man, his man. Ian almost broke the glass in his hand as he saw his man smile brightly at the sudden appearance of his partner. His eyes softened as he looked at the taller man with fondness, a look that used to be reserved for Ian only.

How dare he? Ian thought to himself, fighting the urge to get up and just grab the man and drag him out kicking and screaming. How dare he be happy when I'm here being miserable. Try as he might, Ian could never move on from him, the light of his life. The only source of fire in the otherwise cold reality. The one who could make the emptiness disappear with just a kiss. How dare he give that gift to others. He was meant for Ian goddamnit.

When the man broke up with him, Ian's entire world shattered. He was the only person Ian ever loved, so to lose him was definitely the worst thing that's ever happened. He promised to Ian that he might consider lifting the restraining order if he got help, too afraid to even come near him.

Ian tried, he really did. But he was a grown ass man. He didn't need to be talked down upon by people who thought they were better than him. Those useless two bit therapists who would either coddle him or berate him only served to make him angrier.

He knew there were other men goddamnit. Ian was in love, not stupid. He understood that with his looks and charm, he could snag another prey just like he did with the shorter agent.

Why did no one understand that other people aren't an option for him? He was the only man in the world that Ian wanted. The only one who made his life complete. The only one who managed to stare at death in the eye and decided to kiss it instead of running away.

Ian had blood on his hands, that much he knew. Everyone always ran away whenever they found out. But not him. His fearless sweetheart just dug his heels and came nearer, not caring about the damage that could happen to him, not until it was too late. By then, Ian had fallen deeply in love, thinking that the man wouldn't run away. But it turns out, just like the rest, he did. Leaving Ian in the cold darkness alone.

And for once, Ian didn't want to be alone.

I could kill him…

That singular thought flashed through him so violently he almost got a whiplash. He gripped the rifle tighter, trying hard to anchor his thoughts into reality. Ian winced, no, it's not a good idea. Not only was the man well loved among law enforcement, he was also talented and extremely hard to take down.

He was the only one who could rival Ian in some ways. Back in their Quantico days, Ian's strength was always evenly matched against the man's cunning tactics. Preparation and prediction being the biggest advantages in the man's arsenal.

Killing him won't solve anything and it certainly won't be a good idea. He even doubted that it would be worth it.

Ian still loved him, even after all this time. The love only grew stronger the longer they were apart. Now that Ian had a taste of what love was and how addicting it was, he craved more. He didn't want to be alone anymore, back into the cold empty void of his life. His hand twitched as he looked at the couple, a large part of him wanting to shoot the damned red-head bastard in the skull and drag his man away. He didn't really care if he ended up getting hunted due to a murder of a "decorated" federal agent. It would all be worth it if he got to keep the light of his life by his side.

Any other alternative to his fate was better than the one he had now. Knowing that the shorter agent was able to be happy without him, was able to smile wider because he is no longer under Ian. It hurts. Ian couldn't live without him, but he could live his life without Ian.

That was something unacceptable.

As much as he tried to find proof that the man didn't really love his new boyfriend, evidence says otherwise. All of the smiles, the touches, the jokes, the banter, they were all reminiscent of how the man acted around him when they first started dating.

Ian watched as the man laughed, throwing his head back with one of the brightest and widest smiles that Ian has seen in a long time. Not even Ian had seen this side of him before. The happy and unguarded side, one that didn't regard him with fear. The ugly green emotion they call jealousy burning brighter within him.

Ian remembered all of their interactions when they used to date. While the man always stood toe to toe with him, there was always a part of him that he kept locked away from Ian's prying eyes. Nothing he did would make the man open up that part of him, even when Ian tried to wrench it open with physical force. It was necessary, they were together after all. It was only natural for Ian to want to see all the sides of his lover. But unsurprisingly, the man's infamous stubbornness was the only thing that blocked his way.

Seeing it now, the side of the man that Ian was never allowed to see. Knowing that the man had a soft side that he only showed whenever he felt safe, the side that he kept so vigilantly away from Ian? It only served to fuel his growing resentment.

—-

Ian let out a primal roar inside his room, pounding on the wall in anger. All the pictures he had of the man were shaking, some had even fallen to the ground due to the sudden force. The small rational FBI agent part of him knew that if someone were to walk into this room, it'll be all over for him. He had too much evidence on himself, something that the usually careful sniper would never allow himself to have. But none of that mattered. Rationale had been thrown out the window a long time ago, leaving nothing but blind red rage in its wake.

"How could he?!" Ian screamed, anger coursing through him like a tidal wave. Ripped pieces of paper had fallen onto the ground, the last remnants of a wedding invitation that he had intercepted. Ian hoped that he still had a chance, had tried to change himself and make himself a better person just so he would be accepted again. But looking at innocuous white papers on the floor, it seemed like it was too late. That bastard had already staked a claim on the man's heart before Ian had a chance to steal it back.

"No…I won't accept it" he growled.

The man was his and his alone. And Ian would make sure that everyone knew it.

As he started to stalk the man more, Ian began to see changes in the man. He started to go grocery shopping more, got more cookbooks, and started to clean the house in his free time. Ian never thought that the man could be the domestic housewife type. But considering who he was marrying, Ian wasn't too surprised. His man was clearly struggling to pick up the slack that the asshole left behind, juggling multiple tasks at once. Now, with his phone in one hand, he picked up various fruits with the other, checking their quality. Even when doing something mundane, he still did it with laser focus. The man's determination to do the best he can in any task was always an endearing one.

Ian looked up and down the man, smiling while he did. Of course he was using jeans. It seemed like he never really noticed how much those simple pants affected everyone in the building. Ian always missed teasing him about them. Then the man started talking, taking Ian's focus away from his pants to try and listen in. While Ian couldn't hear what he said on the phone, he could see that the man started to snort in amusement, covering his face. In a few seconds, he started to laugh, lighting up the entire grocery store. Everyone else turned to look at him, faces turning from annoyed to starstruck at the sunny smile. Ian stood there, stunned. He missed his smile. He missed everything about him. It hurts so much, being away.

But none of that mattered now, soon they would be reunited one more time.

—-

It was difficult, taking down the red-headed bastard. The fucker had more fight in him than Ian first thought. But Ian wasn't called the best for a damn reason. Soon, he managed to knock the asshole down, snapping his leg to make sure he didn't run and alert anyone. He wanted him to suffer. He was the reason why the man would never come back to him after all. He had to pay.

He hummed a little tune as he tied the bastard up on one of the chairs strewn around the disgustingly domestic house, one that those two bought not long ago. At least this place was useful for one thing, he thought to himself as he readied his weapons.

"Ian…what the fuck?" The bastard demanded, tugging at his bonds. The injury on his head made his southern accent more pronounced. "What the hell are you doing?"

Ian grinned, a wide smile that showed off every inch of the predator he was as he slammed the knife into the bastard's arm, making him scream. "Revenge…I'm making you suffer the way I did" he growled.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

Ian let out a cold laugh. "You'll pay for ripping my heart open" he snarled as he readied another knife, glee bubbling up in his chest.

He constantly mocked the man as he started to cut him up piece by piece. He always hated how childish the asshole was, how annoyingly reckless he was in everything he did. Even his insults were juvenile. To Ian, the man was only parading around as an agent, he never deserved the title and he certainly didn't deserve him.

"What are you playing at?" he growled.

"Oh nothing" Ian grinned, waving his bloody knife around carelessly. It didn't matter anyways. The only one he'd actually accidentally hit was already on the chopping block either way. If he was lucky, he might accidentally hit something important and let the man bleed out. Unfortunately, Ian knew he was too meticulous to do such a thing.

Ian wiped off the blood from his face as he took off another finger, tossing it away like it was trash. The bastard hadn't stopped screaming, his voice starting to crack due to the constant strain.

"Why…" he gasped through waves of pain.

Ian grabbed the man's collar, glaring at him in the eye. "We both know there's only one person that I would do this for".

Ian could see those blue eyes widen with realization. "Stay the hell away from him" the bastard growled with renewed vigour, "he already went through enough bullshit because of you".

Ian snarled as he surged forward, grabbing the man and shaking him again. "I WAS THE BEST ONE FOR HIM!" He screamed, his calm collected exterior had completely shattered. Ian could see fear in the bastard's eyes when he realized just how much he had pushed Ian until he boiled over, finally snapping and becoming the crazed sociopath everyone had always accused him of being. "I DID EVERYTHING FOR HIM AND YOU TOOK HIM AWAY!"

His grip slackened as pain shot through his chest at the thought of the man. "He was the only light in my life, and you stole him from me" he whispered hollowly, feeling like everything had been carved out of his chest until there was barely anything behind.

"I didn't steal him," the bastard hissed. "He ran away from you. He was scared you were going to kill him". The bastard got nearer, grinning. "We both know what you're capable of. You would kill him if you found out the truth."

Ian felt a jolt of lightning course through his body.

Could he though? Could he kill the only one he's ever loved? He knew what he did was irreversible. He could try and kidnap the man after this, try to bend and break his mind so that he'll eventually love Ian again. But it was risky. The man was known to be stubborn with one of the strongest wills in existence. Especially if he knew Ian was the one who killed his boyfriend. He would never bend to Ian's will by then. The man had a protective streak a mile wide. If anyone could fight against being manipulated, it would be him. For once, Ian wasn't confident in his own skills.

Could he really do it? Would he even succeed?

Even when he knew that he made a tactical error in going after the asshole, Ian found that he didn't care. He knew the calculated sniper in him would be frustrated at this lack of planning and careful consideration, but Ian realized that he didn't care anymore. He's finally feeling everything at once, doing what his heart is telling him to do.

And his heart is now out for blood.

Kill him. Set yourself free.

Break him, make him yours. You still love him.

The two conflicting thoughts raged through his mind. Both polar opposites were tugging for dominance, urging Ian to do what they think is right. But he had already fallen, hadn't he? How would he know if what he did ended up being right for him? Did he even know what being right was? Or was he so removed from his sense of self that the only sense of right he had was nothing but a smokescreen, an illusion that would end up shattering once he came too close.

Did he even know what was best anymore?

Love…

That's the reason why he did all of this, wasn't it? All because he loved the man too much to let him go. He couldn't take the pain of living without him, the gnawing emptiness in his chest whenever he was reminded of the man. The biting cold, ripping into his core and making him hollow on the inside with nothing but darkness that seeped inside his very soul. The familiar feeling that used to be his friend was now his enemy after he knew what it felt to love. He couldn't go back to that.

Please don't let him go back to that.

Ian continued to taunt him whenever the bastard tried to dissuade him, saying that he was probably too far into the bottle to realize his actions. The bastard probably knew about Ian's history with therapy, and how all of his therapists just decided to chuck some pills at him and called it a day. Pills that he used to drink down out of desperation to be better, but now lay in his empty closet gathering dust.

"Did you really think I would be on pills right now, when I have you at my mercy?" Ian scoffed. "I want to savour this moment until the very end. After all, you're the one that killed me, Agent Cooper".

Ian grinned as he saw the fight slowly drain out of the bastard. He had worn him down enough to the point where it was inevitable. All he can do is watch as the man died a slow and painful death. He reached over to grab a picture that was sitting on the table, smiling softly when he saw whose portrait it was.

"I wish you were here to see this," he said lovingly.

"FREEZE!" an achingly familiar voice shouted, slamming the door open. Ian whirled around, knife in one hand and the picture frame in the other. "Ian?" The man's voice was now smaller and softer, shocked. The gun that was in his hand had lowered a bit. "Why the hell are you here?" he demanded.

Ian advanced closer, his smile widening at the sight of the man in front of him. He never realized he truly missed the shorter agent until he saw those brown eyes fixed on him once more, but now they were hard as steel instead of the soft fondness he was used to. "What did you do?" he whispered, horrified as he saw the blood that stained Ian's entire body.

"Nothing I didn't have to do," he replied. "He was keeping us away. He had to go". It was then the shorter agent looked behind him, realization dawned on him as he saw the carnage behind Ian.

"Coop!" he shouted, lowering his guard for a second. That second was the only one Ian needed as he ran straight first into the man, tackling him to the ground. The gun slipped from the man's grasp and skidded onto the floor, far away from him. Ian grabbed the man and slammed him onto the floor, stunning him.

"Now I can finally have you," he whispered.

The man looked at him and Ian was stunned at the visible fear that flashed through his eyes which was replaced with anger. "Fuck you" he spat.

That caused Ian to tip over. "I did everything for you! All of this was for our love!" he screamed as he shook the man, hoping that the violent movements would forcefully jerk something in his brain. Couldn't he see what Ian was doing? Couldn't he see that Ian was devoted to him.

"This isn't love" The man said, his voice laced with pain.

No, that's not true. Everything he did was because of love. It was the only reason why he was still breathing. His fuel to feel the same warmth he did long ago being the only drive to keep him going. Knowing he could have it again.

"You don't know what love is. Why do you think I always hid from you even before we broke up?"

That wasn't true. They were in love. They had to be. He was bluffing, trying to get Ian to lose concentration. That was it.

The man weakly shook his head, as if he could read Ian's mind. "I stopped loving you when you coldly killed that innocent man in cold blood". That came as an icy shock to Ian, as he knew exactly what Don was talking about. It happened so early on in their relationship. Has the man's love really been nothing but a lie this entire time?

"I'm sorry Ian" the man said sorrowfully, "I tried to love you, I really did. But after what you did, I couldn't do it anymore. I still cared for you, but I stopped loving you."

No…none of this was true. He had always loved Ian, even now, even with the appearance of that bastard in his life. He was lying. The man was always known to lie to make sure that no one worried about him. Maybe he thought that lying would help Ian in some way.

"You're not right in the head" the man tried to say as he struggled under Ian. "You need help."

Ian shook his head, "No, all I need is you". He ran a finger down the familiar face, "You're the one who can save me. Please…" he begged.

The man's eyes teared up, "I can't…" he whispered brokenly. "Not after everything you've done". Then the man's leg came up, kneeing Ian in the stomach. Ian fell sideways as he gasped for air, winded at the strong attack. As he saw the man try to scramble up, Ian tackled him, careful to not get hit by the knife he managed to grab.

Soon they were both rolling on the floor, fighting for the only source that would tip the tides in their favour. The man had managed to wrestle the knife away and aimed a sharp jab at Ian before he blocked it, twisting his arm out of instinct to instead grab the arm and drive the knife home.

Ian stood there blankly, not registering what he had done. The man stumbled, falling forward as his legs gave up. Ian managed to grab him before he gently set him down. Ian tried to desperately staunch the wound, but judging by the blood, it would be too late.

Ian never missed, even when he wished he did.

He sobbed as he held the dying man in his arms, hoping that the man knew that he didn't mean it. He loved him, he loved him too much.

"I know" the man gasped, every breath seemingly taking all of his energy. Ian looked at those eyes, the ones that had warmed his heart now failed to do so. The man's eyes were now filled with both fondness and sadness, the latter sending a cold spike through his body. The man reached out to place a comforting hand on Ian's. His eyes went to the dead body of his boyfriend before going back to Ian, smiling sadly.

"I'm…sorry…" he managed to rasp out before he slumped in Ian's arms, his eyes closing as all the life drained from him.

Oh…

I…I killed him…

Ian held onto his body as the reality of his actions sank in. He actually did it, didn't he? He killed the one who left him. He finally had no more ties to this world. He could be free. But why wasn't he free? Why did he feel worse? The emptiness grew wider and wider in his chest.

He thought he'd feel better, knowing that no one could have the man. But Ian realized that by doing it this way, Ian couldn't have him either. For once, the all or nothing mindset that Ian had had failed him, the realization sinking in.

Not even the giddiness he had earlier by killing Agent Cooper managed to change the storm that whirled in his mind. Nothing was in his mind other than the fact that the man he loved was dead. For once, Ian regretted something. He wished he could turn back time, do everything over again. Try to find a way to win the man back.

But it was too late. He was too late.

How the hell did everything go so wrong for him? One second he was on top of the world, the best sniper the FBI has ever seen with a loving boyfriend by his side, feared and revered by everyone. Now he had nothing. He certainly couldn't go back to work, he knew that what he did would eventually come to light as the police sirens started to get louder and louder. His reputation was in tatters when everyone knew that the man had filed a restraining order on him, seeing Ian as nothing but an abusive monster. And he had just lost his boyfriend, the only thing that tied him to the world.

How did this happen?

I just killed my only love…

Is there even anything left in this world?

The police sirens were getting louder by the second, but Ian gave up on caring. There was nothing in this world for him anymore. He snagged the man's gun that had earlier skidded away. Since they had fought across the room, they managed to land closer to it. He lovingly ran his hands over it, knowing the gun was well loved. It seemed like that was the only thing that the man was capable of. He gathered the dead man in his arms, holding onto him tight.

I still love him…

I can't go without him

Ian knew what he had to do. For the first time ever since this debacle started, Ian was confident in his decision. He looked down at the man in his arms, hoping that seeing him would help Ian gather his strength.

It wasn't fair. Despite being gone, the man was still beautiful. At least for now, Ian knew that it would be eternal. Ian allowed himself to smile as he gently kissed the man's forehead, the skin still warm.

"I love you so much Don" he whispered lovingly. Then he turned the gun on himself, staring at the barrel of the painfully familiar gun. Ian used to think lowly about criminals who took their own lives when cornered, taking the cowardly way out. But now, Ian was ready to pull the trigger on himself. "You've changed me" he said wistfully to the empty space. Surprisingly, this choice was easier to make than his other ones. After all…

I'd rather be in hell than all alone.

A/N: Damn...I finally did it huh? I finally have the guts to kill off Don in the story instead of being vague about it. Wooooo! Poor Donnie, always getting saddled with all the crazy people.

Also if anyone was wondering why Don was saying sorry at the end. It was a mix of both him saying sorry to Coop for getting him into the situation and failing to save him and him saying sorry to Ian for abandoning him and not helping him until the end, even though the reason he ran was justifiable. So of course after all the shit that happened, Don still cared for the dick that killed him and even blames himself for the shit that's happening. Are we even surprised at this point? Nope!

Also, the reason why Ian is so unhinged is because he finally let himself lose control, giving into the passion that had been ignited inside of him when he was with Don. But instead of love, it was obsession. For the first time, he let himself in and feel, which what also made him change and eventually crack.

Maybe one day I'll try to write another one but with a crazed cold Billy Cooper instead...