Love and Marriage Loud House style: part 2
The curtain began to rise once again, signalling that the game was to continue. Once the audience quietened down and took their seats, Albertson and Grace picked up where they left off.
"And we're back for more scintillating tales and wholesome stories. It is now time to ask the next question. Lincoln, Ronnie Anne, when you're ready, tell us where would you like to go with your spouse that you haven't already," Albertson inquired.
"We need to do our own road trip, similar to the one your family went on for your mother's column. It would just be us, on the open road, going wherever the wind takes us," Ronnie Anne pined.
"That would be nice, kissing you goodnight under the starry sky is one thing I've always wanted to do," Lincoln agreed.
"You can't do that here?" Albertson asked.
"Not without an audience," Lincoln remarked.
"True," Albertson said.
"You don't need to go on a road trip to kiss under the stars. Me and Shannon used to do that up on her roof all the time," Ruby recalled.
"For context, that was when we lived in an apartment. But Lincoln's got a point; the stars do seem bigger and brighter out in the open country," Shannon clarified.
"So, are you gonna bring Clyde and Sid along, for old times' sake?" Luna pried. Ronnie Anne thought about this. While it was the original plan to dissolve the open relationship Lincoln and Ronnie Anne had with Clyde and Sid once either couple got married, once the ceremonies were over, all involved didn't want to let go of what they had previously. After some research, they discovered that a lot of married couples were open, and thus they decided to continue with it, despite being bound in holy matrimony.
"Now that you mention it, it would be a nice vacation before any kids we make are born," Ronnie Anne mused.
"I'll ask Clyde, you ask Sid?" Lincoln interjected.
"It's a date," Ronnie Anne affirmed.
"Let's just move on," Albertson dismissed.
"Yes, let's do that. Sam, Luna, where would you go with your spouse that you haven't already?" Grace redirected.
"That would have to be London. Luna's British accent is so sexy it never fails to get me excited, but I'd like to hear what actual British people sound like," Sam answered. Albertson was a little surprised by this answer, being British himself.
"What am I? Chopped liver?" Albertson queried.
"This is all text-based, you know I can't actually hear your voice," Sam notified.
"Leave the meta humour to Grace," Albertson advised.
"No thanks, I'm trying to cut back," Grace replied.
"I'm with Sam. I've always wanted to ride the London Eye with her, share a basket of the good old British fish and chips, and maybe check out the Glastonbury Music festival if it's on," Luna wished.
"Just... don't tell your dad. He'll insist on planning every last detail," Sam requested, but Lynn Sr. had already been taking notes.
"Too late for that. I have your itinerary set and ready to go," Lynn Sr. updated.
"Pro tip: do not call anyone 'Guv-nah'. We hate it," Albertson advised. Ruby then had an epiphany.
"I propose that, after we're through here, we have a contest: who can do the sexier British accent, Luna or Shannon. Shans has studied Shakespeare extensively, so she can totally sound a LOT more eloquent and sophisticated than your Swagger-esque cockney," Ruby bragged. Luna looked eager to accept the challenge.
"You numpty, nobody can even understand a word of that Shakespearean load of tosh," Luna trash-talked in her Cockney accent. This nearly made Shannon leap out of her chair and lunge at Luna. She would've succeeded had Ruby not restrained her in time.
"Defileth Shakespeare at thine own peril, you uncultured sod!" Shannon menaced in her posh British accent. Grace had to play peace-maker.
"Okay, okay, let's not turn this into Jerry Springer... or, in this case, Jeremy Kyle," Grace cautioned.
"Just so you're aware, Jeremy Kyle was cancelled in 2019 because a guest killed himself after he failed a lie detector test. Subsequent investigations found that he cultivated an atmosphere of bear-baiting guests into arguing for the sake of entertainment value," Albertson informed.
"And this is why I hate reality TV," Shannon added.
"I…. see. Next couple. Luan, Benny, where would you like to go with your spouse that you haven't previously?" Grace responded.
"Hollywood!" Luan and Benny both answered at once.
"Romantically or professionally?" Grace inquired.
"A little of both," Benny clarified.
"That road trip Ronnie Anne mentioned is the only time I'd ever been to Hollywood, and that was so Lola could try to become a star. With Benny's knack for scouting talent, and my TV experiences, instead of being two big fish in a little pond, we could be two big fish in a whole ocean!" Luan explained. Ruby gave Shannon a playful nudge when she heard this.
"That plan sound familiar to you, love?" Ruby teased. Shannon could only blush and smirk in response.
"Romantically speaking though, there's so many sights and attractions to take in, it'd be like making the world our oyster," Benny mused.
"Maybe you could pitch an idea for a TV show about living in a big family. It could be animated, geared towards kids aged 6-11, and have a slice-of-life episodic nature to it. Just….. don't sexually harass the staff," Albertson advised. Grace and Lincoln then started glaring at Albertson, who took that as a signal to move on to the last couple. "Aaaaaaannnnnyyyyyywwaayyyyyy, Ruby, Shannon, where would you go with your spouse that you haven't previously?" Albertson segued.
"In as much as Luan and Benny would like to go to Hollywood, I'd still love to go to the Big Apple with Rubes," Shannon answered.
"You still haven't completely let go of those dreams of Broadway stardom, have you?" Ruby guessed.
"I've come to terms with deferring my dreams... but that doesn't mean I still wouldn't like to take in a Broadway show or go for a hansom cab ride through Central Park or go over Niagara Falls in barrels with my fair lady," Shannon pined for her dream trip to New York. Ruby giggled at this answer.
"Okay, fair enough. Honestly, I can't think of anywhere else I'd like to go with Shans - we've already been to India and Israel twice, so I can go along with the idea of heading up to the city that never sleeps... I bet I could even still envision you up on the stage, living the dream," Ruby fantasised about Shannon in a Broadway musical, dressed up in one of those outfits, and it gave her new roleplay ideas. Shannon then took Ruby's hand.
"I'm already living the dream... a better dream," Shannon gushed.
"Don't feel too bad about it, Shannon. Albert and I both had career goals we wanted to pursue that didn't necessarily work out, so you're not alone. C'est la vie; que sera sera; and all that other stuff," Grace assured.
"Are you seriously trying to be a cunning linguist?" Ronnie Anne probed.
"Well, I'm certainly not trying to be a master debater," Grace replied.
"I hope not. Arguing with people and calling them out is what got you kicked off Twitter," Albertson reminded.
"That was a blessing in disguise. This was before Musk took over, but even then, it was a right-wing toxic pit. I had zero regrets calling out the GOP on their BS policies and they were the snowflakes they said everyone else was and accused me of harassment. Whatever it is now, I want no part of it," Grace resolved.
"If it helps, you'll always have a spot on my show. I might even make you a regular," Luan offered. Grace saw stars in his eyes, but Albertson just wanted to get on with the game.
"Before you start poaching my staff, Luan, let's move on to the next question. Lincoln, Ronnie Anne, how do you know when your spouse needs affection, either physical or emotional?" Albertson asked.
"I would say when she comes home from work and immediately crashes onto the couch. Normally, the restaurant life doesn't affect her, but when she's dealt with some really irate customers, it can take a lot out of her," Lincoln elaborated.
"Yeah, it's true. When this happens, Lincoln gives me a warm hug and massages my shoulders. Where did you learn to do that?" Ronnie Anne wondered.
"Lori gave me some pointers. She called it 'essential learning'," Lincoln answered.
"I'll have to thank her for that at some point," Ronnie Anne remarked.
"Don't let her hear you say that. She'll suggest taking Arthur off her hands to call it even," Lincoln warned.
"I wouldn't mind. I love that little goober," Ronnie Anne gushed.
"He is sweet, I won't argue with that," Lincoln agreed.
"As for Lincoln, because we were friends before we became romantically involved, I know when he needs affection simply by the tone of his voice and by how he speaks. If he responds in a low tone with one or two syllable words, that is my cue to give him a hug and some words of encouragement, or just someone to listen to and a shoulder to cry on," Ronnie Anne explained.
"She knows me way too well," Lincoln commented.
"The ideal wife," Albertson stated.
"Yeah, I am lucky to have her," Lincoln said affectionately. At this point, Delilah tried to get Grace and Albertson's attention.
"You may want to get a clean-up crew down here. Annie's starting to leak hearts again," Delilah informed.
"Don't worry, I planned for this," Shawn assured. He then got out a magical vacuum cleaner that sucked away all the hearts Annie was leaking out of her cheeks. "This sends them out into space," Shawn updated.
"Does that happen often?" Grace queried.
"It is a regular thing when it comes to couples, yes," Delilah answered.
"That thing may be working overtime by the time we're done with this question. Luna, Sam, how do you know when your spouse needs physical or emotional affection?" Grace probed.
"Sam and I both work in education. She teaches youngsters how to play instruments, I teach music tech at a community college. It can get really tiring, especially in Sam's case," Luna responded.
"Tell me about it. The moment they pick up a sax, they think they're the next Lisa Simpson and don't even bother with the basics. It is nerve-wracking trying to set them straight," Sam ranted.
"Anyway, after one of those days, one or both of us would scream into a pillow to get the stress out. That is our cue to ramp up the feels. We would put on the soothing white noise machine and just do nothing for an hour, locked in each other's arms," Luna continued.
"Got any favourite sounds?" Albertson inquired.
"Bird song, every time, guaranteed de-stresser in ten minutes, though having Luna hug you is soothing enough on its own," Sam answered.
"Sam was the one that taught me the pillow-screaming technique. She said she picked it up from the teachers she worked with," Luna added.
"You'd be surprised how often they do that, especially high-school teachers," Sam noted.
"The education sector can be an ugly place sometimes, but very rewarding," Albertson stated.
"As you well know," Luna hinted.
"Sounds about as effective as that primal scream therapy that inspired the name for the band Tears for Fears... should I mentioned that somebody once pitched to me an idea for fanfiction involving Luna getting kidnapped during a Tears for Fears concert, and the kidnappers deciding to use her to make porn films because of her sex appeal?" Grace compared. Luna recoiled in disgust at the idea Grace had been pitched.
"You pullin' my leg, brah?" Luna interrogated.
"There are a number of reasons why I don't take requests - that is among them," Grace informed.
"I should hope not. Moving on. Luan, Benny, how do you know when your spouse needs affection, either physical or emotional?" Albertson redirected.
"That would be like asking a bird how it knows when to fly, or a fish when to swim... I'm always on the same wavelength as Luan, knowing whenever she needs affection is like possessing a sixth sense," Benny bragged.
"He's right. I NEVER have to ask or even seek affection from him, he always dishes it out so generously. He really IS Mr. Perfect," Luan complimented.
"That, admittedly, sound less insulting coming from you, dearest," Benny noted.
"Okay, okay, I apologize for that previous remark," Grace said remorsefully, then muttered under his breath. "Even if it IS true,".
"I take it it's the same the other way around, Luan. Benny never needs to ask you for affection of any kind?" Albertson surmised.
"Never. I always know when he needs me," Luan replied. The machine meant to suck up Annie's hearts started beeping uncontrollably.
"Oh, Ancestors! It's close to overloading! Wrap this up fast!" Shawn urged.
"Alright, alright. Ruby, Shannon, how do you know when your spouse needs affection, either physical or emotional?" Grace pressed.
"Ruby's almost always in the mood for affection... she's a VERY amorous and passionate woman," Shannon praised.
"Can you blame me?" Ruby remarked, then pulled Shannon into a tight hug. "With Shannon's soft skin and warm body, when would I ever NOT want affection from her?" Ruby added. Shannon then hugged Ruby back.
"Oh, you," Shannon rebuffed.
"Okay, you two, you wanna save it for your alone time in your cabin?" Grace cautioned, not wanting the entire auditorium to overflow with magical hearts.
"Trust me, we already have plenty of plans to execute in our cabin tonight," Ruby hinted.
"You mean like the lady pirate sparing the life of the plank-walker for showing her where the REAL treasure is buried?" Shannon said hopefully.
"Once thespians always thespians I suppose, am I right?" Grace joked. Then, a voice no-one expected to hear erupted from the audience.
"Oh, that takes me back to the scenarios Mr. Bernardo and I would enact when we were young. I still remember the time where I dressed up as….." Mrs. Bernardo began.
"WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT THAT!" Luan, Benny, Ruby, and Shannon all yelled at once.
"Wow, and I thought running into your teacher at the supermarket was awkward," Albertson commented.
"A feeling you seem to have gotten over, what with your profession. Didn't you once tell me you interviewed for a job at your old school, twice?" Grace recalled. Albertson then shifted his eyes back and forth awkwardly. The heart-sucking machine thankfully was back in working order and the auditorium was not in danger of having hearts burst everywhere.
"Moving on to the next question. Lincoln, Ronnie Anne, what is the most romantic thing you have done for your spouse?" Albertson deflected.
"Do you want this thing to burst?!" Shawn indicated towards the heart-sucker.
"You know, you could've told me this happened with her before I gave her clearance," Grace sassed.
"In my defence, I thought the comedy would off-set the romance," Albertson replied.
"Let's just get on with it, we'll deal with what comes later," Grace resolved.
"Lincoln does small, romantic things for me every day. It isn't all about grand gestures. Sometimes it is as small as making me a coffee every day before work, or stocking up on things we're running short on," Ronnie Anne disclosed.
"Life in the Loud House prepared me well for that. But in terms of romantic gestures, I'd say asking Lisa to grow a tree in our backyard at record pace, then building a treehouse for us to enjoy during the summer. I would've offered to share it with Clyde and Sid, but the tree wouldn't stop growing and it threatened to block out the sun, so we had to get Lisa to fix it pronto," Lincoln revealed.
"Well, guess we know who to call to replant swatches of the Amazon rainforest," Albertson remarked.
"That was Lisa's prototype. She planned to develop fast-growing tress for that exact purpose," Lincoln clarified.
"Still using you as test subjects, I see," Albertson surmised,
"Only with our consent," Lincoln responded.
"Offering to share your tree house with Clyde and Sid? Sounds like your tree house was going to become a veritable love shack," Grace joked.
"I see what you did there, dude," Luna praised.
"Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin roof... rusted!" Grace sang.
"Okay, now you just killed it," Luna rebuked.
"Sorry," Grace said in an embarrassed tone.
"What about you, Lincoln, what's the most romantic thing Ronnie Anne has ever done for you?" Albertson queried.
"During the early days of our relationship, Chandler, being the jerk that he is, would give me the usual grief about having cooties or being tied down, that a real man would 'play the field'. When Ronnie Anne found out, she came all the way down to Royal Woods from Great Lakes and stuffed Chandler in the nearest locker she could find," Lincoln divulged.
"I'm surprised he could fit," Ronnie Anne responded.
"But that wasn't the best part. She took pictures, uploaded them onto the Internet, with the caption 'So-called 'real man' got stuffed into a locker by a girl'. Everyone laughed at him for weeks after that, and Chandler never bothered me about my romance with RA ever again," Lincoln recalled, a cheery smile on his face.
"Hey, why didn't you tell us Chandler was saying this crap? We would've saved RA the trip and did that ourselves," Lynn interjected.
"Knowing you, Lynn, you'd pants him and stick him up the flagpole by his underwear. Actually, now that I think about it, that would be hilarious," Lincoln guessed.
"Dang, the opportunity's gone now," Ronnie Anne lamented.
"Is this Chandler the same guy who offered to 'impregnate one of us while the other watched' when we were interviewing potential sperm donors?" Sam recollected.
"Yeah, that was him," Luna answered.
"Ugh, what an incel. No wonder he's dateless and alone," Sam chided.
"Well, that's one name we can cross off the list, should we go that route," Ruby resolved.
"Mental note taken," Shannon added.
"Really? Wasn't Chandler already a little old to still believe in cooties?" Grace queried.
"Contrary to popular belief, the fact of the matter is that cooties actually do exist," Lisa pointed out.
"Come on," Grace rebutted.
"It's just that after most people have matured beyond a certain age bracket, they cease to continue referring to them by the street name "cooties," and proceed to refer to them by what those in the scientific community and medical profession know them to be: sexually transmitted diseases; STD's to you laypeople," Lisa clarified.
"I honestly can't tell if you're being serious, or if that's a joke," Grace stated.
"Trust me, in our familial unit, we choose to leave the jokes to Luan," Lisa replied.
"And knowing Chandler, he'd be so desperate as to pay for sex and end up with a few of those. Not an ideal candidate for sperm donation, to be sure," Albertson hypothesised.
"Yeah, and they probably charged him a great deal," Ronnie Anne quipped.
"It is fascinating. His parents run a sewage treatment plant and he turned out to be the biggest dookie there was," Luan jibed.
"Wasn't there a South Park episode about this?" Benny asked.
"Enough of that. Let's move on. Sam, Luna, what is the most romantic thing you've done for your spouse?" Albertson sidelined.
"This was before we were married, but it has definitely got to be Luna's surprise 18th birthday gift for me," Sam recalled.
"Do elaborate," Albertson pressed.
"She got me the usual stuff, a new guitar pick, flowers, chocolate, and she composed one of her love songs. But she then told me there was a surprise further down the line. It wasn't until the evening when Luna asked me to put on a blindfold. I did so, and she guided me to the bedroom of a cabin she had rented for the night. She then asks me to take off the blindfold, and the first thing I see was her, stark naked, save for a little bow around her private area, right in front of me, and she tells me 'Surprise' and that she was all mine to do as I wished," Sam relayed.
"Best idea I ever had," Luna bragged.
"And what romantic thing has Sam done for you that sticks out in your mind, Luna?" Albertson probed.
"Definitely my sweet sixteen. My family and friends were at Jean Juan's. Sam was wishing me a happy birthday and we were locking lips when some bozo comes staggering in, sees us, and blurts out 'Hey ladies, can I get in between you?' Sam goes over there and knocks out three of his teeth in one punch. My siblings, being as they are, did not break up the fight, but rounded on him as well. They formed an angry mob that chased him out of Royal Woods," Luna answered.
"We never did find out who that was," Luan added.
"Nor do we care," Lincoln interjected.
"His mum was pretty angry at me when she got the dentist's bill, but she turned her anger on her boy once I told her the reason he had missing teeth," Sam concluded the tale.
"Been there, missing teeth aren't fun, though I've never had mine knocked out," Albertson remembered.
"I suppose now isn't a good time to point out that poor dental hygiene seems to be a common British stereotype, is it?" Grace mocked.
"Up. Yours!" Albertson responded while flipping Grace the bird. "I look after these teeth. I see my dentist and hygienist on a regular basis, and I haven't had any problems since my tooth extraction in '21. The implant is settling nicely where my tooth once was. I brush, I floss, I use mouthwash, and the rest of my teeth are doing fine," Albertson ranted.
"Alright, alright, geez. I'm sure your mouth is very nice," Grace retracted. Luna couldn't help but chuckle at Grace's words, and then he realised what he had just said, and what Luna was thinking of. "Not one word out of you, Luna!" Grace warned.
"And I thought Lynn had a dirty mind," Lincoln remarked.
"Can we just get to the next couple, please. Luan, Benny, what's the most romantic thing you've done for your spouse?" Albertson inquired.
"Actually, this was before Luan became my wife... it was her fifteenth birthday, her first birthday after we started dating, and I wanted to do something really special for her, so with an assist from Luna and her band, I dedicated a song to her... "Brown-Eyed Girl," because Luan was, is, and remains to be my brown-eyed girl," Benny exposited.
"I... don't remember such a gig," Sam stated.
"A little clarity; you, Sully, and Mazzy were swamped that weekend with other commitments, so I rallied Chunk and his band for Ben-Ben's musical accompaniment," Luna replied.
"That WAS one of the best birthdays ever, but I'd say my sweet sixteen was even more romantic," Luan responded.
"Really? I thought it was a little cheesy myself," Benny said.
"What, did you recreate the scene from Sixteen Candles or something?" Grace wondered.
"As a matter of fact, I did. And before any other Louds chime in with any uncouth commentary, no, Luan's underpants weren't involved, and neither was a lone pubic hair," Benny answered.
"Man, we are pushing the limits of our rating, aren't we? How about you, Luan? What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for Benny?" Grace inquired.
"Well, you mentioned shaking and baking earlier," Luan hinted.
"Uh-huh... and let me guess, you and Benny made some CREAM PIES together?" Grace joked. Luan laughed at Grace's crass sense of humour.
"It IS how I ended up with his BUN IN MY OVEN! How can it get more romantic than that?" Luan remarked.
"You got me there," Grace responded.
"The hurricane of euphemisms on this ship is staggering," Benny commented.
"But seriously, before we got married, Benny was already talking about us starting a family, and it was like he became a totally different person when he'd talk like that... like you could just sense his desire to be a family man - a husband and father... and I gotta admit, it was so cute to hear him talk like that," Luan complimented. Benny's face went as red as a tomato upon hearing this.
"Oh, well," Benny meekly replied.
"After we finally got married, got settled in, and our things calmed back down to abnormal for us, I figured the time was RIPE for me to BEAR HIS FRUIT. And I made sure it would be a moment in our lives we would never forget," Luan resolved.
"I don't think I could ever forget conceiving our child in the back of a limo," Benny revealed.
"Wait... you two actually conceived your child in the back of your limo?" Grace repeated back in awe.
"We Louds don't skimp on the accoutrements when it comes to special occasions," Luan boasted.
"That and Luan likes to go all out when we roleplay," Benny added. Luan chuckled at Benny's words.
"Yeah, the chauffeur getting the duchess pregnant was playtime maxed out," Luan clarified.
"The back of a limo, huh? Ah, I'll hafta remember that one," Lynn noted, which earned her a death glare from Luan, while Ruby shot Shannon a sly look, as she had some inspiration for roleplay ideas from Luan's anecdote.
"I sure hope the cleaning bill from the limo company wasn't too expensive. I imagine it must be hard getting bodily fluid stains out of limo seats," Albertson stated. Benny and Luan chuckled nervously.
"Funny story; before we began the 'proceedings' we had the chauffeur drop us off at an isolated hill and told him to go out for his union-mandated break, only we asked him if he could take an hour instead of a half-hour, with the promise that we would reimburse lost wages," Luan informed.
"And when I was finished putting the bun in Luan's oven, we were so tired we conked out then and there, without putting our clothes back on," Benny chimed in.
"By the time we woke up, the chauffeur had come back to see the back seat covered from floor to ceiling in our juices, and he had a full view of us in our natural state. We gathered up our clothes and got out of there as fast as we could," Luan recalled.
"Afterward, the limo company called to inform us that they would not be taking our custom anymore, owing to the emotional damage we caused the chauffeur, and sent us the cleaning costs of the limo Luan had rented," Benny concluded.
"It came down to $500, but it was worth every penny," Luan updated.
"Fair enough. Raising a kid in Michigan is probably gonna cost a lot more than that," Albertson replied.
"Try raising eleven," Rita muttered in the audience. Meanwhile, Grace started acting like a malfunctioning robot, the same way Clyde once did around Lori, and then he 'powered down' and was unresponsive.
"I think the shock of that story has just shorted what's left of my co-host's brain. Hold on, let me get him back up and running,," Albertson observed.
"Can't be much left in his hollow noggin," Luna joked.
"How can he even be shocked at this point? Need we remind him he's not only read your lemons, but even wrote of the mess Shannon and I made in our bridal suite on our wedding night?" Ruby inquired. Shannon's face went as red as a tomato.
"Ruby!" Shannon scolded.
"Remember love, no holds barred," Ruby reminded. Albertson then managed to get Grace working again.
"In your case, given how your biology works, your love juices kind of have nowhere else to go when you, ahem, squirt. I'm actually trying to figure out how Luan and Benny's orgasms could have possibly even made such a mess without it being intentional," Grace commented.
"Who says it wasn't intentional?" Luan teased.
"Ugh, all of you would be a house-keeper's worst nightmare," Grace scoffed. Albertson raised an eyebrow at this statement.
"Are you speaking from experience?" Albertson asked.
"I'm speaking as a self-admitted compulsive neat-freak," Grace answered.
"No wonder you two make such an Odd Couple!" Luan punned. She laughed while Luna hummed the Odd Couple theme, to further rub it in.
"Oh, Albert, Albert, Albert," Grace mused whilst doing his best Felix Unger impression. Albertson sighed heavily.
"Couple, I wish. I couldn't even steal first base from this guy," Albertson quipped.
"Who says you have to start there? Just get your clothes off and jump right to the fun stuff," Lynn crudely interjected.
"That may fly with you, but some of us have class," Grace scoffed.
"She has a point, Grace. You once told me wining and dining was too much work. If your intentions towards someone are crystal clear, why jump through hoops?" Albertson replied.
"Exactly!" Lynn said.
"And anyway, wouldn't it be better to…." but whatever Albertson was going to say was interrupted by Luan scrawling something on a piece of paper. "Luan, what are you doing?" Albertson asked.
"Oh, just setting the scene," Luan responded. Grace then took the drawing from her and inspected it.
"So that's what I would look like if I were struggling in Albert's class, and he suggested ways I could improve my grade," Grace observed.
"That's a good roleplay. We should try that," Ruby suggested. Albertson merely face-palmed.
"Let's just move on," Albertson dismissed.
"Yes, please. Ruby, Shannon, tell us the most romantic thing you've done for your spouse," Grace directed.
"We... swore we'd never talk about this again... so I won't get into details, but we'd been dating for several months... and let's just say I was an idiot... I violated Shannon's boundaries and nearly lost the best thing that ever happened to me... she could've very well just dumped me and found somebody else who could've treated her better than I did, but she gave me another chance... I knew I had to make it up to her, and so since we were practically relaunching our relationship anew, I recreated our entire first date to almost every detail," Ruby divulged remorsefully. This was clearly a memory she did not want to relive.
"You mean the one we drama club cupids arranged for you up on Royal Woods Hill?" Luan reminisced.
"I even ordered the same exact meal from your dad's restaurant," Ruby replied.
"I feel like a part of history!" Lynn Sr. blurted out from the audience.
"More like Histo-ruby!" Luan punned before giving her signature laugh.
"It really was one of the sweetest, most genuine things Ruby ever did for me... and it really was like we experienced our firsts all over again: our first time falling in love, our first date, our first kiss... all of our firsts were even better the second time... just like our wedding night," Shannon complimented.
"Oh, since Shans brought it up, I have to add this... the day we got married, I didn't just exchange vows and rings with her, I dedicated my entire self to her. Like I said, she's the best thing that ever happened to me, she's the sole reason why I'm the person I am today; she gave me so much of herself and asked for nothing in return, I had to repay the debt. That day, Ruby Patel was laid to rest, and Ruby Tannenbaum was born," Ruby affirmed.
"That totally took me by surprise. We never even talked about changing our names, I just assumed since we were both brides, we'd just keep our respective last names," Shannon recalled.
"I intended to take my role as Shannon's wife very seriously, so I had my last name legally changed to Tannenbaum, as I am solely and wholly Shannon's, and only Shannon's," Ruby asserted.
"That, and apparently, you didn't want to be stuck with the Indian equivalent of "Smith" for the rest of your life, and thought changing your name to Tannenbaum would be like celebrating Christmas every day," Shannon remarked.
"Yeah, okay, that too, but that's an added bonus," Ruby admitted.
"Sounds like you went above and beyond for your wife, Ruby," Grace observed.
"I try to...," Ruby began.
"You DO," Shannon corrected.
"Speaking of which, how about you, Shannon? What's the most romantic thing you've done for Ruby?" Grace inquired. Shannon blushed hard when asked this question.
"I... I'm... not much of a romantic... there's... really nothing I've ever done for Ruby that can be considered romantic," Shannon dismissed.
"Au contraire, Mon Frere. You studied so much about Indian culture, even when I wasn't even interested in my own culture. You even joined in a number of our holidays and ceremonial festivities with me and my fam. Your willingness to learn about my heritage was enough to instill a newfound interest in it for me," Ruby corrected.
"You actually thought THAT was romantic?" Shannon asked.
"Would you have gone through so much trouble to learn about my heritage if you didn't love me?" Ruby countered.
"I guess you have a point... And to that end, Ruby has also educated herself on Judaism to better familiarize herself with my faith," Shannon conceded.
"And I'm not even a very religious person," Ruby responded.
"I don't consider myself a religious person, either... as a woman of faith, I consider myself more of a spiritual person than religious," Shannon clarified.
"Samesies, but still not so much in a religious sense," Ruby agreed.
"Either way, it sounds very much like you two are a blessed union of souls," Grace praised.
"Dude, you are pushin' it real good!" Luna seethed upon hearing another music reference.
"Simmer down there, Salt-n-Peppa! I wasn't even talking about the band, I was talking about the spiritual one-ness Shannon and Ruby have with each other," Grace eased.
"We are truly bonded and connected on every level you can imagine; spiritually, physically, emotionally...," Ruby gushed, but before she could continue any further, a loud bang could be heard from the back.
"Oh, great, the machine's burst open!" Shawn notified. Annie's hearts were pouring in from her cheeks all over the auditorium floor, where they were threatening to consume the whole room.
"Activate extraction system," Albertson instructed.
"Extraction system engaged," the ship's onboard computer responded. Along the wall, large fans emerged from holes previously filled in by sections of wall. They extracted all the hearts and guided them into the sea. "Don't worry, Annie's hearts are bio-degradable," Albertson assured. Once Annie was finished secreting hearts, the game continued in earnest.
"You couldn't have opened with that?" Grace probed.
"It uses a lot of power. Only bring out in emergencies," Albertson answered.
"Fair enough. This next question's more comedic than romantic, so see if you can get that extraction machine fixed in the meantime. Lincoln, Ronnie Anne, what is the biggest act of meddling your in-laws have committed during your marriage?" Grace asked.
"We weren't married at this point, but Lori definitely takes the gold medal for 'meddling sister'," Lincoln affirmed.
"I remember you telling me this. It was the reason Bobby asked you if you were 'bedding' me," Ronnie Anne recollected.
"Pro tip for all you guys; put your protection in your wallet, not your pocket. I had planned on asking Ronnie if we could take that step the day after a family get-together, and being the Man with a Plan, I had everything ready. Unfortunately, the wrapped condom I stashed in my pocket had fallen out, and Lori saw it. Immediately putting two and two together, I begged her not to kill me. What did she do instead? Rushed me into my room and spent an hour giving me tips such as 'Be gentle' and 'Don't go too quickly, it'll ruin her pleasure'. By then, I was begging her to kill me," Lincoln explained.
"You'd think someone as experienced as her would have more to share," Ronnie Anne remarked.
"She did, but if I elaborated on that, the rating of this fic would have to be bumped up," Lincoln disclosed.
"I wonder if your big sister giving you such pointers was more, or less embarrassing than your dad having 'the talk' with you before you and Ronnie Anne shared a bed for the first time," Grace compared.
"Wait, what?!" Ronnie Anne interrogated.
"How did YOU know about that?!" Lincoln demanded. Grace then did the 'shifty eyes' look.
"I read things... like all those bets your sisters had," Grace disclosed.
"Like Luna's bet about me riding rainbows?" Benny recalled.
"Get off it," Luna rebuffed.
"Let's not go down this route. Luna, Sam, what is the biggest act of meddling your in-laws have committed during your marriage?" Albertson calmed.
"Lisa," Luna and Sam answered together without hesitation
"You didn't miss a beat," Albertson observed.
"After Lori had Arthur and Leni had her daughter Sharna, Sam told me she wanted us to start a family. Lisa must've overheard us, because she came to us with an experiment that would potentially allow two women to be able to biologically make a baby, no man required," Luna explained.
"Doesn't that defy nature?" Albertson asked.
"How would that even work?" Shannon probed.
"DON'T ASK!" Luna and Sam rebutted.
"It's quite simple, really. All it would require is one party to wear a device they would strap on that would transform egg cells to spermatozoa with the wearer female's genetic markers. During intercourse, once female ejaculation has been achieved, the transformed cells then travel through the device into the womb of the other female. If the cells find an egg, well you know what happens next," Lisa outlined from the audience in very explicit detail with no subtlety or discretion whatsoever.
"We told you not to ask," Sam said in a disgusted tone.
"A sex toy that doubles as an artificial insemination device that turns female cells male? That sounds like something JaviSuzumiya would come up with," Albertson remarked.
"Who?" everyone asked at once.
"Don't ask," Albertson and Grace responded at once. "Besides, he's responsible for a fandom AU in which Lisa does, indeed, play god with biology and made it possible for Luan to have a biological daughter with Maggie," Grace added.
"Wait... WHAT?!" Benny responded.
"Wait... WHO?!" Luan joined in.
"You remember that emo girl whose birthday party you performed that mime act for who was only in the episode for a minute and never spoke directly to you once? Yeah, that's her, and for some odd reason, you're shipped more with her than Benny," Albertson explained.
"Some fans have even gone one step further and had the drama club girls essentially be Benny's harem," Grace added. Benny could only bury his face in his hands and shuffle awkwardly at that statement.
"Hold on, now the name rings a bell! Isn't Javi the one who draws me being romantic, among other things, with every girl in Royal Woods, INCLUDING MY SISTERS?!" Lincoln realised. This made Luna and Luan physically gag.
"Yeah, he also ships you with Sam, and Luna with Sam's brother, Simon," Ronnie Anne chimed in.
"Right, now I know who to put on the top of the list of artists I want to punch in the face!" Luna raged.
"Save some room for me," Sam replied.
"Enough with the face-punching, let's just move on. Luan, Benny, tell us the biggest act of meddling your in-laws have committed during your marriage," Grace intervened.
"Fortunately, the Steins have been fairly respectful of our boundaries," Luan answered.
"Unfortunately, I can't much say the same for the Louds... I reiterate, I could write an entire book about their meddling," Benny emphasised.
"We Louds are known buttinskis," Luan bragged.
"Yes, I've learned that the hard way," Benny agreed.
"Same, my dude," Sam added.
"Pff. Lightweights," Ronnie Anne scoffed.
"If we're speaking specifically during our marriage, there was a period of time when we would come home from work and find Luan's dad invited himself over into our kitchen to cook dinner for us," Benny recollected.
"We've come home to our share of such self-invites," Sam interjected.
"Ditto," Ronnie Anne chimed in.
"I didn't want my kiddos starving to death, especially since you hardly ever come to the restaurant anymore," Lynn Sr. justified.
"Dad, did you ever think that we could fend for ourselves?" Luan asked.
"Once I taught you and your sweethearts all of my kitchen secrets, including the super-secret ingredient my LYNN-MON chicken! Spoiler alert: it's lemons!" Lynn Sr. replied.
"Yeah, but it was past time to cut the cords, Pop-star," Luna asserted. Lynn Sr. then started sobbing uncontrollably, again.
"The cords are just about all I have left of you kiddos... your mother still keeps all of your cords in jars up in the attic," Lynn Sr. revealed, to everyone's horror.
"That's more than any of us needed to know," Grace stated. Lynn Sr. then continued his latest crying fit.
"Ohhh, how I miss preparing spicy Luna casseroles, and Beef Well-Linc-ton, and Luanchovy pizzas...," Lynn Sr. lamented.
"Does this cruise ship have flood insurance?" Grace inquired.
"This vessel is insured against everything ranging from oceanic storms to icebergs to megalodon attacks. Admittedly, overly sensitive fathers is not on this list, but floods are on our policy," Albertson disclaimed.
"Wait, megalodon attacks?! How often does that come up?!" Lincoln queried.
"Our insurance agent is a big fan of the Meg movies and made us put it on there," Albertson answered.
"Put it outside your mind for now. Ruby, Shannon, what is the biggest act of meddling your in-laws have committed during your marriage?" Grace segued.
"Well, Ruby wasn't that close to her parents as I was with mine, so I've never had to deal with much meddling from either of them," Shannon disclosed. Ruby sighed heavily.
"I DO love and respect my parents, but as a teen, I butted heads with them a lot... I just didn't see eye-to-eye with them on a lot of things, and they often thought I was too deviated by western influence... regrettably, I didn't even start to bond with them until I revealed my ship with Shannon and they approved, but by then, they already felt like they had lost a daughter, and I was more like a boarder who lived in their house rent-free... that's another do-over I wish I could have, because they were so supportive and encouraging of our coupling. I wish I did more to preserve my relationship with them," Ruby lamented.
"I know they still love you, Rubes... they helped make our big Jewish/Hindu wedding so special, and they even knew someone who helped get you into your law firm," Shannon reminded.
"Yeah... that was really wonderful of them," Ruby said lovingly.
"And it's still not too late to have a relationship with them; even if you're a grown woman, you're always their daughter, so BE their daughter... BE the woman they'll be proud they raised," Shannon urged.
"You're right... maybe I'll pay them a visit when we get back home," Ruby resolved.
"That would be for the best. At least for any future kids' sake," Shannon agreed.
"Now, as far my in-laws go, I do have to say that Shannon's parents were quite the buttinskis, especially when we first moved in together before we got married," Ruby replied.
"They knew all about the slumber party, but I never told them about shacking up in the sack, but yeah, they thought us moving in together before we got married was crossing lines in the sand, and it wasn't uncommon for either of them to invite themselves over, just to see we weren't doing anything immoral," Shannon explained.
"Shannon's dad's also a doctor, so he always treated his pop-overs like house calls as if we were his patients," Ruby added.
"And my mom has always been sticking her nose into my business all my life, even when I was growing up... for the longest time, she kept snooping into my private affairs, because she was convinced I was interested in a boy and trying to get him to notice me, but she had no idea I was dating Ruby," Shannon groaned.
"To be fair, after we got married and really settled down, they did finally start loosening the reins... but Shannon's mom still invites herself over from time to time because, like Luan's dad, she's afraid we'll starve to death," Ruby revealed.
"She's just trying to fatten you up so she can go in for the kill," Shannon joked. Ruby laughed at this.
"That was her reaction when she met me for the first time: I was too skinny and needed more meat on my bones," Ruby recalled.
"Don't take this the wrong way, Shannon, but your parents sound like they personify Jewish parent archetypes," Grace observed.
"You're not wrong," Shannon agreed.
"I'm sure your mother isn't like Mrs. Wolowitz," Albertson stated.
"Trust me, she is," Shannon disagreed.
"My parents own a hotel, how stereotypical is that?" Ruby asked.
"Could be worse; they could own a convenience store," Grace responded.
"Ain't nobody gonna open another convenience store and give Ol' Flip any competition!" Flip affirmed.
"Why is he STILL here?" Grace queried passive-aggressively. It was then that a member of staff approached Albertson.
"Yes, what is it?" Albertson inquired. The staff member then whispered into Albertson's ear. "Seriously? Alright, alright, I'll break the news," Albertson said, then he turned to the audience. "Phillip Fillipini, it has come to my attention that you paid for your berth on this ship with Monopoly money you painted dollar-bill art on. I'm afraid you're gonna hafta walk the plank," Albertson informed.
"Hey! You can't prove that!" Flip protested.
"The bills you paid with, staff members handling them have complained of a substance running off on their fingertips, and on one of the bills, Benjamin Franklin looks like a woman, so yes, we can prove it," Albertson argued.
"Can't blame a guy for trying," Flip responded.
"Oh, we can, and we will. Grace, when we're done here, get the plank ready. Delilah, Crystal, see our 'guest' here to the brig," Albertson instructed.
"You have a BRIG!" Flip asked in a state of shock.
"Yes. Yes we do," Albertson answered. Delilah and Crystal then dragged Flip out of the auditorium and towards the security office, where he will be confined pending his plank-walking ceremony.
"Well, that was incredibly satisfying, and speaking of satisfaction, it's time to move on to the next question. Lincoln, Ronnie Anne, is your spouse better at physical or verbal affection?" Grace led into the next line of inquiry.
"Lincoln may be the Man with a Plan, but he does sometimes fumble his words, so I'd say physical affection is where he shines," Ronnie Anne answered.
"Yep, it's true, but Ronnie Anne can be good enough with verbal affection for the pair of us. But as I have said before, sometimes she's too quick to rush into intimacy when I'm just not in the mood, and when I tell her I'm not up for it, I can see she's let down, which I hate doing to her," Lincoln admitted.
"I wanted to relieve you of the burden of being expected to always be the one to initiate sex, but I see what you mean," Ronnie Anne conceded.
"If you're having problems synchronising your sex drives, I can help you out with that," Shannon offered.
"Aren't you a family counsellor?" Ronnie Anne asked.
"I'm well-versed in all therapeutic methods, I just choose to specialise in family therapy," Shannon clarified.
"I thought the Louds and their significant others airing their dirty laundry in your office had scarred you for life," Grace assumed.
"I've learned how to overcome trauma... it's how I got into counselling in the first place," Shannon corrected.
"I take it you'll be charging the Louds your standard rate, then?" Albertson queried.
"Yep, $50 per hour," Shannon quoted.
"You must make a killing. Next couple. Luna, Sam, is your spouse better at physical or verbal affection?" Albertson probed.
"Isn't it obvious? Luna's the master songwriter, so of course she is the verbal affection master out of the pair of us," Sam complimented.
"Don't do yourself down, love. You can spit some good lyrics yourself. If anything, you're better at the physical stuff than me," Luna replied.
"Oh, you," Sam said.
"I'm serious. You give the best shoulder massages, head pats, and you always know how to arouse me with those god-given fingers of yours," Luna praised.
"I guess it comes with volunteering at an animal shelter for so long. You get used to knowing just where to touch," Sam responded.
"Good thing I'm not allergic to pet hair," Luna joked.
"From what I've heard about you two and your... ahem... escapades, I'm afraid to ask if there are any dog collars or chains involved... or even whips," Grace interjected. Luna and Sam then gave Grace some weird stares.
"Sir, get your mind out of the gutter!" Sam scolded. Grace then points to Albertson.
"Blame him for putting those kinds of thoughts into my noggin," Grace deflected.
"Hey, leave me out of this. I never wrote anything involving dog collars, chains, or whips! That's where I draw the line!" Albertson responded.
"Luna can be a bit of a wild animal," Sam noticed.
"And Sam may be my pet, but she's totally free range," Luna added.
"But we are NOT into... any of THAT stuff!" Sam asserted.
"Man, you guys REALLY are afraid to try other flavours than vanilla, aren't ya?" Lynn goaded from the audience.
"Shut up, Meg," Grace scoffed, trying his hardest to do his best Peter Griffin impression.
"Now, now, Grace, we are not here to shame anyone's lifestyle. That would be very ironic considering who we have on this stage. If Lynn wants to do that with her partners, that's their biz. Just don't expect me to write about it," Albertson reprimanded.
"Yeah, neither will I. Let's just move on. Luan, Benny, is your spouse better at physical or verbal affection?" Grace redirected.
"Physical... and it doesn't take much, I have to say... Luan is almost always the first to initiate such, and she comes on strong," Benny answered immediately.
"We Louds are never afraid to assert ourselves. But, by contrast, Benny is so glib and articulate, he could host workshops in writing love letters," Luan responded.
"Almost sounds like maybe you should have gone into writing, Benny," Grace commented.
"Believe me, the more I live my life with Luan, and by extension, her family, and the more I see my friends and loved ones experience for themselves, the more tempted I am to write it all down... it could very well be a best-selling series," Benny mused.
"Shall we discuss royalties, Mr. Stein?" Ruby teased.
"Order in the court, Rubes," Grace shot down.
"Well, what's stopping you, Benny? Most famous authors start out as regular Janes and Joes. For example, J.K. Rowling was an unemployed single mother who barely managed to escape an abusive marriage when she came up with Harry Potter, and look at her now," Albertson encouraged.
"Maybe, but I don't think the Louds would appreciate me writing about their lives for the whole world to see," Benny lamented.
"Nah, we're already famous in Royal Woods. Why not extend that fame across the entire world," Luna dismissed.
"More like infamous!" Grouse interjected from the audience.
"To-may-to, to-mar-to. Go on and do it if that's what you want to do, Ben-ben. We could always use the money from book sales to support our baby," Luan said supportively.
"We could all contribute. It could be a Loud family chronicle," Lynn Sr. suggested.
"I'm sure it will be a best-seller. Last but not least, Ruby and Shannon, is your spouse better at physical or verbal affection?" Grace asked.
"For someone who claims she's not good at expressing herself with words, Shannon seems to always know what to say to make a woman feel like she has somebody who understands her... she could've been a counsellor even back in high school... she helped me overcome a lot of drama I went through in high school, and even now, if ever I feel stuck in a rut, her words are powerful enough to free me from my bonds," Ruby recollected.
"Just the same, nobody has ever made me feel more appreciated, needed, or valued as Ruby, but even more, there's a certain something about her touch... the way she holds me... the way she caresses me... even when she gets her fingers tangled in my hair... she makes me feel so safe and secure," Shannon replied. She then turned to Ruby. "And I can't appreciate you enough for it, my love," Shannon added. Ruby then pulled Shannon into a loving hug.
"Samesies," Ruby responded.
"And on that wholesome note, we have reached the end of our QnA. Thank you to our couples for being such good sports and providing us with all the laughs and feels. Thank you to my co-host Grace for being here tonight and thank you all for watching. Now, next on the agenda, everyone's invited to Flip's plank-walking ceremony. All those that want to see the con man go overboard report to the outer deck," Albertson concluded the event and led everyone to the pool deck. Delilah and Crystal led a nervous Flip towards the edge. Grace then pushed a button that extended a plank from the deck of the ship.
"Walk, cheapskate!" Grace ordered.
"Is this legal?" Flip inquired.
"Don't worry, the local coastguard is here to fish you out of the water. After that, they'll arrange a flight back to Michigan, where the company will sue you for your shenanigans today," Albertson answered.
"Worst cruise ever," Flip derided before Grace started poking him with a long stick, forcing Flip to walk the plank. When he got to the edge, Flip hesitated, which made Grace push him off with the stick, sending him falling into the water. Thankfully, he had been wearing a floatie, so he rose to the surface, where the coastguard picked him up.
"Well, what's next on the itinerary?" Albertson queried.
"We've got tomorrow's poolside cannonball competition to look forward to, as well as the bingo games and the jewellery display," Grace notified.
"All guests will find tomorrow's schedule in their cabins. Feel free to attend whatever takes your fancy, and don't forget we will be giving the rundown on all our destinations and excursions early in the morning. In the meantime, get some rest," Albertson advised. The crowd dispersed and made for their cabins to get themselves some shut-eye after tonight's entertainment, while the couples that gave answers had some different plans in mind.
Author's note: This is the longest thing I have ever written. What was supposed to be a short anniversary special has bloated into a mini-novel. I do not expect anyone to read this all in one sitting, and if you manage it, I congratulate you. The usual disclaimers, I own nothing. All properties belong to their respective owners. Enjoy.