Day Four, post Brazil
Jess methodically gathered her laundry out of the dryer and carted the basket to her room.
The first few days home she felt like a shell of a person, living in a dream and walking in nightmares at night.
She talked to Mandy finally on the second day home. The woman was kind enough, but Jess was wary of her at first until all coaxing, manipulating and prying fell away from the CIA agent and Mandy told her with complete honesty that she wanted to bury Jess's step dad six feet under along with his old partner. After that Jess was as helpful as possible. She knew the truth when she heard it and there was little doubt in her mind that Mandy could get it done. The woman scared her, but in a good way.
The day after that Scott talked her into talking to a therapist that he knew. She didn't even have to leave the house to do it.
That wasn't bad, per say, but if she wasn't careful the sessions they had every other day would drag up more than she could handle.
Fighting down the nausea that rose up with the thought of what Laurie suggested the last time they spoke, Jess shivered.
Because her memories were still so jumbled up, the therapist had said that perhaps getting clarity of the events she was having flashbacks about would help process them. That required talking to one of her brothers and asking questions about something she wanted to erase from her mind forever.
Restlessly, Jess stopped mid task of folding her laundry and turned to leave her room, seeking company as if it could keep her safe from her own mind. Scott and Clay were home with her today, though she wasn't sure which one was in the house right now. They'd been taking turns all morning being in and out.
Come to think of it, the house was too quiet. Had they left her alone for a bit? Surely they would tell her if they were both going out! Right?!
Jess's feet hurried from her room, heart rate speeding up at the thought.
She didn't get far before she nearly crashed into someone as she came around the corner of the hall into the kitchen.
Jess recoiled, knocking back and drawing her fists to her chest tightly as she clenched her body inward. Her heart thundered in her ribcage so hard she thought it might bruise. An explosion of images darted through her mind and she could feel the same terror in her bones as if she was there again.
All the same, even with her eyes clenched shut, she knew whomever she'd almost plowed into had backed up and wasn't approaching anymore.
"It's ok, pipsqueak. Just take a minute. Tell me where you are right now."
That was Scott. Why did it always have to be Scott when this happened? What was it about that moment-
"Come on, kid." His gentle growl snapped her back again. "Talk to me. Tell me where you are. Let's work through it. Dream or memory?"
They started doing this with her when she got lost. She never had to answer, but they encouraged it. She figured if anyone understood flashbacks to things they didn't want to remember, it would be them.
Drawing a long, shuddering breath, Jess stayed frozen where she was and whispered into the room. She'd only done this once, admitting what she saw when she'd been triggered last time. It had been with Clay and the memory was different than this one.
"Memory…I think. It's dark. I'm…um…I'm trying to get out of that room, but…but people are there, trying to get me…and…and then there's just this…this image, memory, I don't know, it just sits so clear around that."
"What happens in it?" Scott asked, seemingly unbothered as ever. He'd been so calm with her the last few days. Not an ounce of irritation came from him. It was almost too calm, like he was acting a part that didn't exactly suit him.
Hearing Laurie's voice in the back of her head, encouraging her to seek clarity and talk to the people in her support network, Jess allowed the truth to spill out despite the guilt over burdening Scott any more than she already was with how nonfunctional she was.
"I'm trying to leave, and it's dark. I think there are bodies on the floor. Two of them, maybe? Then I'm nearly running into something, and I can't get away, and…and I'm scared. It's just this…this clear flash of a doorway, and a huge mass blocking out the light- and nearly running into it-"
Jess broke off, shuddering and gulping down the painful lump in her throat, aware her hands were starting to throb from how hard she was clenching them.
"That the same one that keeps making you jump at shadows too?" Scott asked in a low voice.
Jess nodded miserably, wanting to force her eyes open so she didn't' keep seeing the same scene replay over and over, but not sure if she could face Scott right now.
"Mostly. That and a few others."
"I'm gonna level with you…and it might not help at all, but…" Scott hesitated and sighed before saying with grim clearness. "That was me. In the doorway."
It took a second for the words to digest. When they did Jess slowly opened her eyes and a bit of tension left her shoulders.
Meek and small, Jess said, "It was?"
Scott leaned against the wall across from her and nodded, lines on his face deep and his tone still resigned.
"Yeah."
"How do you know?" Jess asked, looking down and fidgeting with the sleeve of the hoodie she'd stolen from Brock. "How do we know it wasn't…something different or something I made up?"
"Because I remember that moment too."
That brought Jess's head back up and Scott kept going.
"Creeps into my head." He said frankly. "A lot. I finished clearing the hall, came through the secondary entrance to the room just about the point I heard you gasp 'Oh shit' like you were frightened of something, and then Trent called your name, trying to tell you it was ok. You turned, tried to run. Ran straight for me."
Scott recounted the facts without emotion until he got to that part. Jess knew him well enough now to catch the way he shifted his folded arms and his jaw clenched.
Drawing a breath he said, "You were shakin like a leaf, terrified. Pretty sure it got worse when you saw me, a shadow in the dark. Then you tried to get away, drugs took over again and you started to pass out. Legs gave out. I caught you, then I kept you still while Trent checked you over, make sure you weren't hit. There was blood from where you pulled the IV out."
Scott's eyes flicked away for a second and he rubbed his scruffy chin.
"Not gonna lie, but even though we knew you pulled the IV out and expected blood, seeing it…and you were bleeding more than we expected for something so small, so we thought you were hurt real bad for a minute there."
"Sorry," Jess mumbled, swallowing a lump that rose with the vulnerability of Scott.
"Don't be."
"I kicked Trent."
"Yeah!" Scott almost brightened, but it didn't exactly translate through the serious face of stone. "It landed beautifully too, perfect timing."
The air in her chest tightened and Jess stared unseeing at the floor.
"Jess?"
"I was so scared." Jess whispered. "I couldn't…"
Drawing a sharp breath, Jess rocked forward arms out, reaching for Scott. He responded immediately, closing the distance and letting her modest weight thump into him. His hand cupped the back of her head when she hid her face in his shirt and shuddered.
"I've got you."
"I couldn't move. No matter how hard I fought," Jess told him in a small voice.
"You did good, kid. I'm so damn proud of how hard you fought."
Tears welled up, and Jess burrowed closer, fighting back the uncomfortable way her gut dropped when she put together her fear and the knowledge it was Scott who had her in those moments.
"I was helpless."
"You were brave , and strong, Jess. So damn brave. I had you. I'm sorry you were scared. I would have changed it if I could, and I couldn't…but I had you. You were safe. Hang onto that."
More images flashed through her head without her leave and Jess could feel the panic in her throat as a needle pierced her arm despite how much she begged and fought.
"…Scott?" Jess whispered, shoulders getting tighter even though he was rubbing a soothing circle between her shoulder blades. "Please just tell me that part where I got stuck with a needle…tell me that was you guys? Please? Cause I can remember seeing it, in the dark with a flashlight and…and not being able to…move."
"That was us. Trent needed to give you the same thing he gave you in the van before we got on the plane…do you remember that?"
"I remember the van, mostly."
Scott squeezed ever so slightly and Jess drank in the contact, actively fighting the irrational upset and anger that rose from the knowledge that he'd been the source of her terror regardless of her being safe.
"If there was any other way, if we'd had time, we would have found a way to get it into you without scaring you so bad, Jess," Scott paused before adding with an uncharacteristic air of hesitation. "You know that…right?"
"I know." Jess answered softly as she pulled back and looked up at him with dismal pleading. "But, there's this stupid, horrible part of my brain that…that can't get past that it was you ! And no amount of rationalization can fix it because when I think about it, I get angry that all of you scared me so bad!"
"Ok. Why?"
"B-because you-" Jess floundered, grasping for the right words as she gestured with her hands weakly. "I-I don't know !"
"Sure you do."
"No, I don't!"
"Alright, fine. Mind if I take a wild guess then at one of the reasons?"
"Fine."
"You're mad at me for not stopping Trent when you begged me to make it stop," Scott told her bluntly. "And I won't apologize for that. You needed the shot. You were getting the shot. Do I fuckin hate that you were terrified? Yes. But I don't regret making sure you got the help you needed to be ok. Doc's said you avoided a long hospital visit because of it."
Blinking rapidly, Jess dropped her head back into his front and heaved a sob because he was right and she hated that he was right.
"I know…that it isn't as simple as just 'thinking about it differently' but-" Scott paused, shifting helplessly has he rubbed her back and shoulders carefully. "The more you associate that moment with being something you didn't have to fear…the less your brain is going to fixate on it."
"I'll try," Jess cried. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry-"
"Knock it off. We're ok. You're safe. You were safe. I'm sorry I scared you and it's ok to be mad at me-"
"I'm not!"
"Ok. But it's fine if you are-"
"I'm not! I don't want to to be! I don't want to-to-to keep flinching away from all of you and jumping like you're gonna hurt me! I want it to stop! I hate it! " A fury rose out of nowhere and Jess felt like she was going to explode as she raged. "I want to be normal again!"
"You're gonna come through it, Jess. I promise. Be patient with yourself."
Jess couldn't answer, hiding instead like a frightened, miserable child as they stood in the hallway of her home. The sanctuary she couldn't bring herself to leave.
After a long while, Jess felt braver again and she asked a question that kept coming back. It accompanied that haunting moment in her mind.
"How'd you know I ripped the IV out?"
"Ray and Clay had overwatch. Took out two of the guards that came into grab you when the shooting started. They saw you do it."
Another piece of the puzzle settled into place and Jess let some of the dark, scary, disjointed memories out from the box she'd locked them in.
Someone grabbing her up from the bed, glass breaking, a body falling to the floor and dark blood pooling.
"There were bodies."
"Yeah," Scott sighed. "There were."
"The people who took me?"
"Yup."
"I remember the glass breaking in the window and…the guy who grabbed me fell. And another one later on. Ray and Clay killed them. That was them," Jess whispered as the image of the second man coming through the door and falling before he could touch her surfaced next.
"Keeping you safe." Scott confirmed, gently pushing her back so he could see her face, his own grave. "Watching all our backs. Clay said you pulled the line out and it was bleeding pretty good. We were worried you'd broken part of the needle off in your arm."
"Oh." Jess chewed her lip, carefully letting the images replay a second time with the knowledg of who'd done what. "It's weird seeing someone die…there were more…weren't there."
"Try not to worry about that part, kid," Scott told her seriously. "It doesn't matter. They were bad guys. They would have killed you if they thought it would benefit them."
"Still can't stop wondering how many died because…because of m-"
"If you say 'because of me' I'm gonna kick your ass!" Scott's growl was more distinct and Jess suppressed the urge to apologize instantly. "You didn't cause anything and no one is dead because of you. I ain't losin a lick of sleep over a single one of them and I pulled the trigger for a bunch of them when we made entry. None of the others are losing sleep either. They were bad guys. They made a choice to kidnap you and threaten you. They did countless other horrible things. They made their bed and had to lay in it when we busted down that door. End of story."
Wisely staying quiet, Jess walked with him to the living room and curled up on the couch against him to watch a movie, privately wondering if life really was that simple and wondering if she felt guilty because she was glad they were dead and didn't feel really guilty about it.
"Sonny's taken two days off work. He's gonna be here the next two while the rest of us are at work."
"Thank you." Jess whispered, blinking back tears again. "He didn't have to do that."
"Yeah, pips, he did."
Two Weeks Post Brazil
Two weeks. That's how long Bravo had managed to work collectively to make sure at least one of them was with Jess at all times since her coming home. Most of them took time off. All of them actually, except for Jason. He couldn't stop himself from remaining at the helm as Bravo 1 for many reasons.
Now it was one week to a Christmas that no one much felt like celebrating because that bastard who'd taken the spark of life from Jess was still out there.
Each one of them spent at least a full day and night with her just once, if not twice. The nightmares were almost easier than watching her struggle with the waking moments. Both served as fuel for the impatient rage and desire to kick some doors in.
Mandy'd gotten her way and talked to Jess the morning after they got her home. The conversation wasn't long, but whatever vague, small details Jess was able to give Mandy about her time held captive, as well as about her step-father and mother, seemed to make the spook happy and she'd disappeared for several days, working late hours and constantly on the phone or in meetings.
All the rest of them could do was wait. No amount of Jason trying to bully information out of Mandy did any good. The woman was clammed up tight and could only promise if things went her way, they would be her chosen team to do the job.
They hoped it was putting a bullet in Santino.
Jess was broken when they'd first met her, and she'd put the pieces together over the last year with all the resilience and bravery of a warrior. They just hoped she could do it again because seeing her so defeated and afraid killed them.
Metal got her in with a therapist within the first day of being back. She hadn't needed too much convincing to talk to one when he told her the woman would come to them if she was afraid to leave the house, which she was. They had sessions every other day and while there weren't miraculous results, the therapist did her job well and seemed competent in providing guidance that Jess responded well to.
All the same, the girl jumped at shadows, flinched whenever anyone came up behind her too quickly, and only found sleep if she was with someone else, tucked up against them with background noise. Twice now he'd come home and found her sleeping on the couch curled up with her 'watch dog' mostly sleeping while holding her. Brock was the only one who'd ever been fully asleep right along with Jess and that was only because Cerberus was guarding them both. Clay had woken the second Metal opened the front door and Sonny hadn't even been asleep.
"Jess? You ready to go?" Metal called from the hall, waiting as patiently as possible.
They'd been working on Jess's fear of leaving the house. Progress was slow. She always found reasons why she couldn't go out, and took a thousand detours to the front door. The first time talking her out the door took three days.
"Yeah." She rounded the corner, clutching her phone in her hands. Her jacket hang on her body in a way that it hadn't in months. Metal couldn't believe how much weight she lost in so short a time.
"You sure you want to do this?" Metal asked. Ever since finding her and being forced to hang onto her when she was so terrified he found himself going almost overboard with making sure she felt like she was in control of what happened to her.
"I'm sure," Jess told him, dark circles under her eyes only just noticeable through the bit of make up she'd put on. "I want to see him…if he for sure wants to see me, of course. I mean-"
"He really wants to see you. Let's go."
Jess tucked in just behind him, like she had the last three times she'd left the house. His arm slipped around her shoulders after he locked the door and he walked her to the passenger side of the truck first.
The kid's head was on a swivel the second the set foot outside, watching, scanning, over aware of everything.
"We're ok, Jess. Breathe, like we did last time."
"Right."
Jess's taut shoulders didn't relax until they were in the truck and moving. Then she was just jittery.
That breaking moment where she finally caved and let him and Jason take her out to the barn to ride two days ago was still etched in Metal's mind.
"Scott?" Jess approached him after he'd gotten home from work and Brock left to head home and get ready for work the next day after taking his 'shift' with her.
"Yeah, pips?"
"You know how Laurie has been encouraging me to get out of the house? Just…go for a walk?"
He held his breath. The therapist, with Jess's permission, had been advising whomever was with Jess at the time on how to help her work through the trauma each time she visited. Metal had been there for the 'helping her leave the house' conversation and he knew this had to be her idea. Forcing her to leave the house wasn't what she needed right now.
Choosing his words carefully he'd said, "Yeah. I'll go with you if you want to go."
"That's the problem." Jess blurted.
Confused, Metal leaned back against the counter in the kitchen and crossed his arms.
"It is?"
"No- I mean-" Jess started pacing in front of him, wringing her hands. "She said I should talk to you about this…I just…I just can't go outside."
"Ok."
"But I can't just stay in the house the rest of my life either."
"Not really, no. Not if you want a life."
"But, I just can't."
"Why?"
"I'm scared." Jess burst into tears.
"Jess, I'll be right there with you. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you."
Shaking her head, Jess backed away until her back hit the walk and she sank down it, sobbing harder now and weeping, "I can't do it."
"You don't have to do it today, pips. I'll go with you when you decide to-"
"What if something happens to you!?" Jess barked out the confession with a hitching breath and no end of tears. "What if you get shot like Rob and what if Santino is still trying to strong arm my brother and what if he comes after all of you or what if my step-dad is coming after me because I caused so much trouble and-"
Jess gulped and started to sob harder, grabbing her head as she rocked with her face in her knees.
The outburst wasn't surprising. She'd been bottling it all up for days, avoiding talking about anything that she was feeling unless she had to, staying distracted with games and movies, books, random projects all over the house. She rearranged the furniture six times before putting it all back the way it was. The girl even managed to pretend that she was ok for two whole days, convincing herself that she was coping well and nearly fooling them as well with her brighter attitude except that she wasn't sleeping or eating and she couldn't leave the house.
"Pips-" Metal crossed over to her and sank down the walk next to her, pulling her into a hug cautiously. He wasn't sure if she would flinch away like she did randomly with him and Trent sometimes. Any time she did she would get terribly upset and need to have a good cry while hugging them and apologizing too many times.
"I saw him go down. I heard the shot! It was my fault and he was trying to keep me safe but get got hurt and I didn't run like I should have and-"
"It was not your fault and that's not going to happen here."
"How do you know?!"
"Because we'll make sure we have more people watching our backs, ok? You gotta leave the house some time, pips, and you can do it."
"I'm so tired."
"I know."
"I'm so angry. My family has taken my life from me at every turn and no matter how hard I fight for it, just when I start thinking things are getting better, it all gets worse again!"
"Those bastards aren't your family, kid." Metal snarled suddenly, his temper flaring against the people who kept hurting her. "Bravo is your family. Naima and the kids are your family. Pauline is your family."
"I know." Jess wailed. "I want to be normal again! I want my life back!"
"So let's take it back. Come outside with me."
"I'm scared!"
"That's ok. Scared isn't the enemy. Staying in here and letting yourself waste away is. Let's fight this together."
After a long, agonizing debate with herself, Jess eventually agreed to sit outside on the back deck with him.
Baby steps. Always baby steps with her.
After a second good cry about being outdoors and finding joy in it, Metal had suggested a fifth time that they take her out to the barn so she could go riding.
The conversation they'd had was the whole reason he'd pushed harder to get in contact with Rob as soon as he got transferred to a hospital in Virginia Beach. Turned out the man was anxious to be in contact with Jess too. One phone conversation told Metal that this visit was going to be just as beneficial for Rob as it was Jess.
"Are you sure he wants to see me?"
Suppressing a tired sigh, Metal shot a pained look at Jess and nodded.
"For the last time, yes . I told you, if it were me I would be breakin out of that place the second I could just to make sure you were actually safe."
"Ok." Jess mumbled, her knee bouncing rapidly as they got closer and closer to the hospital.
"Kid…it's gonna be ok."
Drawing a shuddering breath, Jess chewed her lip and whispered, "When am I going to believe that?"
Metal couldn't answer that one so he stayed quiet.
As soon as he was parked and starting to get out, Jess dug her heels in again.
"I don't think I can do this."
"Pips, come on. Let's go."
"I can't move." Jess whispered, staring out across the parking lot at the building.
"Do you want me to come help you or do you want me to take you home."
Jess didn't answer, stuck in her head.
"Rob wants to see you. If you can't do if for yourself, at least do it to give him some closure."
Metal hated using a manipulation tactic on her, but he wasn't wrong. He knew Jess was torturing herself over this and so was Rob. Neither would lay it to rest till this happened and he cared too much about both to let Jess run away without trying to convince her to face her fears.
"What if he's mad."
"He's not. Come on. Trust me."
Those two words sent a shiver through Jess and she flicked her gaze over to him, meek and humble.
"I do trust you." Jess mumbled, shaky fingers reaching for the door handle. "But…but could you come get me? I'm sorry, I just-"
"Stay there. I'm coming round."
Like the time they'd slipped over to the Perry's to see Jameelah and RJ, Jess couldn't seem to make herself step out of the car into the open without him (or one of the others) next to her.
"We're good." Metal told her gruffly, hating how hypervigilant she was. "I promise I'm paying attention to our surroundings. You don't have to. Relax."
Taking yet another shuddering breath, Jess sidestepped closer to him as they walked and dropped her eyes to the ground in front of her. She stayed that way until they were standing outside Rob's room.
"You ready?" Metal asked quietly, not liking how pale she was and resisting the urge to pull her into a hug because nothing else these days seemed to help anymore.
"No," Jess said through hardly moving lips. "But I never will be, so let's just do it."
"Ok."
Metal let the door swing open and he took in one of his oldest buddies laying in the hospital bed.
Rob looked better than he'd expected and despite still looking like hell, the man grinned as soon as he saw them.
"About time you showed up!" Rob said jokingly. "I was beginning to think I was going to have to call Jason instead and get myself broken out of here."
"Nah, just took a bit getting us all here." Metal answered, jerking his head to the side subtly to indicate Jess, who still hadn't looked up from the ground and whose shoulders had curled in further.
"Hey, Jess! It's really good to see you!" Rob's rougher teasing slipped into something more genuine and kind as he peered at Jess with a crease of compassionate pain.
Slowly, after an agonizing pause, Jess lifted her head and peeked at Rob from under her fringe, face working with emotion as she tried miserably to keep her tears in.
"Hi," She managed to croak. "A-are you ok?
A sob barked out with the question and Jess failed to keep it together any longer.
"Shit…hey…nah, nah, nah- Jess," Rob cast a quick, worried look at Metal, seeking help. "Kid, I'm just fine! I'm good! Just- Could you come over here? Please? I really need to talk to you, kid- come on, it's ok."
Jess stumbled over, still weeping and covering her face with her hands. She relied mostly on Metal's hand on her back to guide her over.
"Here, let me show you how fine I am! I'll even get out of this damn bed-"
"No!" Jess dropped her hands, horrified at the idea. "No, you-you can't-"
"I really can! They had me up and walking yesterday and want me to try sitting up and standing if I feel up to it, and kid, I do." Rob bit back a groan as he eased himself up and Metal held back from reaching out to help him. He needed to do this on his own to convince Jess he was fine. "There. See? Nothing to it."
The girl couldn't answer, instead she disappeared behind her hands again, still crying just as earnestly as before as she whimpered out, "I'm so sorry."
" You're sorry?!" Rob's eyebrows disappeared and he was visibly agitated even though his tone stayed light, kind and gentle. "Excuse me, but I'm the one who was supposed to be looking after you and I did a pretty piss poor job of it. I should be apologizing to you, not the other way around."
"You got shot!" said Jess, dropping her hands again and gesturing with sudden frustration. "And it was my fau-"
"Yeah, no. You don't get to shoulder that one, kiddo. Did you pull the trigger? No? Then you don't get to take the blame." Rob shrugged and offered a lopsided smile. "So what I got shot? Not the first time and it was better than being stabbed in the gut, plus the bullet went right through so they didn't have to digging for it. All in all, that was positive. I'm just pissed they got you and you had to go through hell because of it! Gone over it a thousand times. Thought of every way I could have prevented it, but shit, kid. It is what it is now. We can't change it. I'm just really glad your safe now…ok? Those tears better not still be for me."
Jess shook her head and gulped back an additional heart wrenching sob, indicating she was in fact still crying over the face he got shot trying to protect her.
"You may as well offer her a hug." Metal said, gruff monotone filling the helpless space that Rob left. "Quickest way to dry those up, trust me. I've had to deal with them a lot over the last year."
He meant it only half serious and mostly as a joke, but poor Jess turned to him with a mewing cry of, "I'm sorry!"
"Oh for-" Metal's eyes rolled with exasperation and he rubbed his face. " Teasing , Jess. Teasing."
"Geez, you insensitive caveman! Make her cry more why don't you," Rob motioned hesitantly for Jess while mock scolding the other man. "Please, Jess? Can I give you a hug, kid? I really…I just need you to be ok, and if that would help-"
Nodding vigorously, Jess slipped forward and accepted the invitation.
Rob winced as he squeezed her tight, but only Metal noticed and they exchanged a knowing look as Jess clung to him. The man needed to hold the girl just as much as she needed a hug. Rob was always a kind soul, and part of the reason he got out of service was for the very reason of not being able to stomach the horrors he couldn't stop. So he left and started a business that was successful enough for him to be able to offer defense classes to people who otherwise couldn't have afforded it. Having Jess get taken on his watch would have destroyed him if they hadn't got her back and Metal knew he would still blame himself for years to come despite the outcome.
Personally he knew he wouldn't be any different if their roles were reversed, but also knew seeing Jess would help.
He just hoped seeing Rob really did help Jess too and didn't drag up too much too soon instead. He'd find out quickly enough when evening came.
Sure enough, several hours after Jess went to bed (for the first time in two weeks without someone to sit next to her while she fell asleep), Metal was dragged from sleep.
When he woke from the restless, fretful place he'd been, it was to the sound of Jess slipping into his room.
"Pips? You ok?" He mumbled, easing over so he could peer through the dark at her.
She was crying, but it broke into more earnest sobs when he spoke.
"Kid-"
"I'm sorry," Jess wept as she came closer, "I'm so sorry- I can't- I can't do it- I- I can't- I can't be alone-I t-tried so hard-"
"Come here," Metal was already tossing back covers and welcoming her into his space. "It's ok…come here."
She crawled in next to him, weeping with defeat and rolled close so he could scoop her in as the tiny spoon just like the last three times she'd had to do this.
"I'm sorry-" Jess whimpered, shaking and hugging the arm he'd wrapped around her tightly. "I can't sleep. I tried so hard- I keep-keep dreaming and I can't- I can't do it- I'm s-so tired…I'm sorry -"
"Shhh."
"But I keep waking you up and the others up when they're w-with me and I'm being a big baby all the time …" Jess dissolved into deeper sobs and curled in on herself.
"Jess… Jess ," Metal squeezed a little and sighed. "Pipsqueak, enough. It's ok…in fact…you wanna know a secret?"
Jess hiccuped and whimpered, "What?"
"The only time I've been able to sleep properly since you left for the Amazon has been when you've been where I can see you, and it's been even better when you're here beside me, so relax." Feeling Jess grow a little quieter, Metal added gruffly, "We've both got some shit to work through. If this is how you need to get sleep for the next bit, don't beat yourself up over it. It's doing me some good too."
"I hadn't thought of that." Jess whispered. "I-I'm sorry-"
"Don't be. I'm fine. Just sleep better knowing where you are. We'll get over it. For now, close your eyes. We're fine. You're safe."
Two Weeks, Three days, Post Brazil
"Scott?"
"Uh huh?"
Scott didn't look up from the gear he was cleaning. He'd taken another two days off of work again to stay with her and Jess couldn't fight the growing guilt over her family sacrificing so much to make sure she was ok.
Jess perched on the edge of the couch and tucked her feet under her, clasping her hands while frowning at the floor.
"I'm tired of being scared." Jess told him in a near whispered voice. "I want my life back."
"Ok. What do you want to do about it?"
"I don't know. Therapist says I could try to find ways to face the parts that are haunting me."
"Sounds sensible. What's haunting you the worst?"
"Being helpless." Jess knew he understood what she meant and that her confusion while being rescued was included in that statement.
"We can fix that." Scott spoke with confidence as he peered at the piece of equipment in his hands and scrubbed at it a little more.
"How?"
"We go see Rob at his gym once he's out of the hospital and on his feet again. He's got a whole program dedicated to helping people who have been through similar stuff as you. Working through trauma associated with feeling helpless and at the mercy of others. It's a good program. I help him out sometimes."
"Oh." Jess started picking at her nails, tracing the edges. Rob mentioned his gym when she'd visited. She didn't register what he'd been getting at though when he said she could swing by and see what the classes were like sometime if she wanted. "What do they do?"
"Empowerment. Desensitization." Catching the questioning wrinkle between Jess's brow, Scott cleaned his hands off and got up. "Here. Let me show you."
Slipping off the couch slowly, Jess approached when he motioned her to the clear space between the coffee table and the TV on the wall.
Nervous for no reason other than she sensed this was going to be hard no matter how careful Scott was with her, Jess stopped just out of his reach.
If he noticed, he didn't say anything or acknowledge it. Instead he got down to business.
"The program has a general layout, but there are personalized components if you want them. An example of this would be you picking a moment that made you feel scared and helpless, then learning ways to overcome that, both mentally and physically through means of self defense." Scott paused, steady, unreadable gaze flicking over her face before he kept going. "I think we both know at least one moment that we could use…if you want to try."
Tears pricked at the edges of her eyes and Jess sternly told herself to keep it together. It felt like all she did these days was cry. Bracing herself, she answered, "I don't know…I don't honestly think I could ever get free from someone your size."
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes." The word slipped out automatically, almost surprising them both as if they'd each expected something different.
"Ok. Come here."
Feet like lead, Jess forced herself to move until she was standing in front of him.
"Right. The way this is gonna work, is we start small-" Scott broke off with a frown. "You're already getting triggered, pips. I can tell-"
"I'm sorry!" Jess moaned, putting her face in her hands.
"Don't be. You're fine. Like I said, we'll take it slow. Talk it through with me. What's going on in your head right now?"
"I'm scared."
"Of what? Of Me?"
"No…yes?…I don't know- I just- I just don't like feeling vulnerable and I know you're bigger than me!"
"That's normal. That's ok. So we wait until you give the word and we move forward, unless you want to pull the plug, which you can do at any time, kid. I'm not tryin to push you into this."
"No…no, I want to try. I'm sick of being scared all the time and-" Jess rubbed her face again and stepped forward suddenly, keeping her face hidden. She let her head make contact with Scott's chest and tension slithered away when he automatically hugged her, keeping his arms looped around her firmly like keeping her in the shelter of wings until she indicated any differently. "I'm just tired. Of all of it."
"It's ok. Let's face some of it then. Baby steps. If you feel like it was helpful, then maybe you try Rob's program, huh? I'll even go with you whenever I can, and I'll recruit someone to go with you when I can't. Rob would be thrilled to teach you."
"Maybe." Jess heaved a long, shaky sigh and mumbled, "Let's try. What do I have to do?"
"You don't have to do anything. You can, if you want, let me put you in that hold I used when Trent put the first needle in your arm…and we work through that moment first..because I'm thinking that's still bugging you."
Nodding miserably, Jess tucked closer into the hug, not wanting to let go yet.
"Whenever you're ready, I'm here to help…and we don't have to work on this at all. If you just want free hugs, I can probably stomach that, just for you."
Feeling just a little silly, Jess loosened her hold. She pulled out of the hug, unable to make eye contact as she brought her fists close to her chest, tucking them under her chin and hunching her shoulders around them.
"I want to try."
"Right, before anything, pipsqueak, you need to look me in the eye, and tell me you know you're safe right now, that I'm not gonna hurt you, and that you know you can call it at any point."
Jess visibly groaned inside, complete with a slight bend in her knees right before she lifted her face and met his unyielding expression.
"I trust you," Jess told him. "And I know you won't hurt me, and I know I can call it whenever I like. But, I'm a little freaked out and that's ok too…right?"
"Yeah. It's absolutely ok." Raising his brow and drawing a quick breath, Scott held out a hand and said, "I'm gonna reach out and take your left wrist now, ok?"
"Ok," Jess held it out. The second the large hand closed around her wrist, Jess felt her pulse speed up.
"Ya good?"
"Uh huh."
Scott gave a gentle tug, spun her so she was facing away from him and carefully locked her in a familiar hold. The only difference was she'd been on the ground, not standing.
"You still ok?"
"I think so."
"You're shivering."
"I know."
"Do you want me to let go?"
"I don't know."
Jess couldn't deny her heart was in her throat now and her skin was crawling with the sense of utter helplessness, except in a weird way it was also helping re-write the fear in her brain. Even after knowing it was Scott and Bravo who'd been responsible for several of her more feared memories, Jess still dreamed them along with the others. Being here, like this, with her right mind and not drugged, Jess could rationalize how safe she'd been then based off how safe she was now.
"Do you wanna know what I remember?" Scott asked as he shifted his hold. "From that moment?"
"Ok."
"I remember being so damn relieved that I had you, that we found you." Scott released her then and stepped away. "How are you doing?"
The first words out of Jess's mouth were, "Can I have another hug?"
"Yeah…you're ok though?"
"Uh huh. I think…it might have kinda helped a bit? I don't know. It's weird."
"It's ok. Small steps. We'll leave it and try again later if you want to, and if it's helping we talk about those classes, ok?"
"Ok." Jess broke from the hug and perched on the couch as Scott came back to his gear. "I have to go back to work soon. I've already been gone for so long."
"They told you to take as much time as you need, kid."
"I know…but…I miss the dogs. And it might be good for me, I just…you know."
"Mandy's doing what she can to get both those bastards."
"I know. She wants to talk to me again. She called and left a message earlier."
"You don't have to if you don't want to."
"I know. But I want to. Whatever it takes…I don't think I'll ever feel safe again if they aren't…I don't know…dealt with?"
"Fair enough."
"Do you think…you could take me to work tomorrow and I could talk to the girls? Maybe see some of the dogs? That might help make me feel braver and want to go."
"Uh huh."
Exhaling, Jess slid down the arm of the couch and settled closer to her brother, resting her head on his shoulder.
"That took way more effort than it should have," She mumbled. "All I did was make a decision to talk to you about stuff and then try to get back to work."
Scott didn't answer. Instead he pulled out a hand gun and started cleaning it next. Part way through he held out parts to her and growled, "You hunt. You should know how to clean a gun. Get to work."
"I only know how to clean my dad's rifle."
"Not that different. I'll show you."