The life after

by Nichtigkeit - 4

The third great ninja world war is over. Ten years have passed in the meantime. And while Sasuke was away, Naruto became Ho-Kage, founded a family, grew up. But even now life has not become easier, although different. And still something seemed to be missing. Sasuke seemed to be missing. When he finally returns after all this time, the first big reunion is imminent and they have to

All my stories have been translated from German to English. Since English is not my native language, translation errors may occur. But I hope that they are not too serious. If you notice any, feel free to tell me.

Have fun!

xXx

Trees blowing in the wind framed the wall that was built around the large village of Konoha. It had clearly changed in recent years. The buildings had become higher and there were some more than ten years ago. But the village itself, had not changed, that the trained eyes, which were directed at the village below him, could immediately recognize. He had not been here for such a long time. Where should he start? Should he go to the Ho-kage first? Or should he pay a visit to his family? His daughter would surely be surprised. Would she recognize him? Probably. Would he recognize her? Probably not. He had never seen her before. Would she even be happy about it? He didn't know the answer to that. But if he was honest with himself, there was another thing that had a lot more priority than visiting his family. He needed to see him. And he would. With his cloak waving, he jumped out of the top of the tree, directly toward the village.

"Boruto!" - Loud and angry, Naruto's voice echoed above the stone heads of the Ho-kage, carved into them over the decades. - "What on earth are you doing?" the voice continued to shout as the person it belonged to stood excitedly on top of the Fifth's head, pulling with all his might on a rope. After pulling up for a while, a blond boy, tied to the end of the rope, emerged. In one hand a bucket and in the other a brush. With a wide and cheeky grin, he looked at his father. - "I'll give them a new coat of paint. That old lady really needed it!" was the cheeky reply, while Boruto was still hanging on the end of that rope that Naruto was holding. - "I guess you've completely lost your mind now!" he clearly sounded angry, which made Boruto's grin instantly fade away. This meant big trouble, he was sure of it. - "You're going to clean up this mess, understand?" - And without warning, Naruto let go of the rope and his son fell ungently to the ground, just like the paint bucket he had dropped in fright. The green paint spread on the floor and slowly ran down the forehead of the fifth Ho-kage. With a grim face, Boruto picked himself up and looked up at his father, who was standing in front of him with his arms crossed. His Ho-kage robe blew lightly in the wind, and the look on his face could have killed. Did he himself look like that when he was angry? Probably. After all, he was the spitting image of him. From the blond hair, to the two scars on his face, they resembled each other.

Loudly, Boruto's stomach growled and made him look away, embarrassed and holding his stomach. He could hear a deep sigh from his father. - "Get up," he said, now in a slightly softer voice. And Boruto did as he was told. He stood up and patted the dust off his clothes, which he only now realized had gotten some of the green paint off. - "You go home now and eat something. Your mother will kill me if she finds out I let you slave away on an empty stomach" - Boruto looked up at Naruto, who clearly looked exhausted and was running one hand through his blond, short hair. - "Go now, I want you to come right back here after dinner though and clean up your mess" - Boruto nodded. - "And what about you?" he asked in a low and shy voice as he squinted up at him. - "Tell mom I'll be home later today" - Boruto could feel a large hand on his head, gently ruffling through his hair. But all Naruto could hear in response to this gesture was a disdainful snort from his son. - "As always" - Rudely, Boruto pushed his father's hand off his head and disappeared. He left him alone, with that twinge in his chest that just wouldn't stop.

Why was it like that? Why wasn't the relationship between him and Boruto the way it should be between father and son? For a long time they had nothing more to say to each other and Boruto grew more and more distant from him. He distanced himself and didn't let him get close to him anymore. He didn't know his son anymore. - Sighing deeply again, Naruto settled down on Fifth's head with his legs bent. - How had it ever come to this? How could it be that he was a hero to the entire village, only his son saw him as nothing more than a failure? What had he done wrong?

"So you're back?" with no need for the person Naruto was talking to to call attention to himself or for him to turn to face him, he had recognized him. He had felt his chakra and immediately knew he was back. He would recognize it among thousands. Already some time ago, he had a faint suspicion that he was in the village. But standing immediately a few meters away from him, he knew it was true. He really had returned. - "You are quite late," he continued, and the person he had been waiting for so many years already sat down beside him without a word. - "Where have you been so long?" now he looked to him. He looked at the man who sat silently beside him, looking stubbornly straight ahead. His black hair framed his face; he had grown older. And it was plain to see that he had. Nevertheless, Naruto looked at him and still recognized the little boy from back then, who had always looked so wrathful in him. Sasuke was truly back. - "Here and there," was the simple reply as Sasuke continued to stare at the village before him. - "I thought you'd never come back" - They were quiet words that Naruto almost didn't dare say for fear that Sasuke might laugh or tell him that it wasn't even that far-fetched. Would he perhaps tell him that he would soon disappear again? Naruto hoped not. He wished Sasuke would stay forever now. The last years he had missed him painfully, he didn't want to lose him again. - "I promised you, didn't I?" - Another simple answer to a question that had puzzled Naruto for years. Was it really that simple? Was that supposed to be the solution to everything? Because Sasuke had promised it to him? Did that mean he would now stay?

Hope sprouted in Naruto, but he said nothing. He didn't want to jump to conclusions, and he certainly didn't want to make a fool of himself by saying the wrong thing. He simply kept silent, just as Sasuke did. They sat there for a long time, looking down on the village, and Naruto would have loved to know what was going on in Sasuke's mind now that he was back in Konoha after such a long time. Was he happy? Did he perhaps hate it? Did he not want to be here? Did he feel anything at all? Naruto didn't know. But he had never understood Sasuke. He could only speak for himself, and if Naruto had anything to say, it was that he was immensely happy to have Sasuke back with him. He sighed deeply. - "I really could have needed you the last few years," Naruto said into the silence. He suppressed the urge to lean against Sasuke's shoulder to finally feel that security and safety again that he had missed for so long. But he didn't. He didn't know how far he could go with him, how Sasuke felt about it. About Naruto and his relationship with him. Instead, Naruto lowered his eyelids and looked down at his hands resting on his knees.

"Why? You managed everything quite well on your own" - That Sasuke was referring to Naruto's Ho-kage title, he noticed immediately. But it was not the same. In all the years that Sasuke had been gone, Naruto had felt so lonely. In the mass of villagers, in his own house, with his family. More lonely than he had felt in a long time. - "I feel like I'm drowning in all of this," was Naruto's muffled reply as he buried his face completely in his arms, which he had propped up on his knees. Sasuke was just not supposed to be looking at him right now. He wasn't supposed to see how bad Naruto had really been in the last ten years that Sasuke had been gone. He shouldn't notice how dependent Naruto was on him. He would only laugh at him. But Sasuke remained silent. No laughter could be heard, only his regular breathing, which went so quietly that Naruto would claim Sasuke was asleep if he didn't know better. - "Why? I thought this was all you ever wanted?" came the answer after all, in a tone that was calmness itself. In a deep baritone that sent goosebumps down Naruto's spine. What could he possibly say to that? After all, Sasuke was right. That everything here, his family, his beautiful wife and two children, the respect of the villagers and the title of Ho-kage, he had achieved all that. All this was what he had always dreamed of. It was his entire purpose in life. But now?

"Did you see what happened to Tsunade-baa-chan's face?" - Naruto deliberately changed the subject. He didn't want to dwell on how messed up it all was. He didn't want to be embarrassed in front of Sasuke to admit that his life was very different from what he had imagined. It had a bitter taste to it, and even though he had achieved everything he wanted. - "You can't miss the artwork" - Could Sasuke actually do anything other than stare monotonously ahead and give such simplistic answers? Naruto was annoyed that Sasuke did nothing but listen and only spoke when Naruto expected an answer. Couldn't Sasuke say something on his own? He had been gone so long and had nothing to tell him? Nothing that had happened? Nothing that he had experienced? - Naruto buried his face deeper in his arms as he pulled his legs a little closer. And Sasuke? He allowed himself to look with a squinting gaze at Naruto, who was just completely distracted by his own thoughts, oblivious to any of it. The smearing of Tsunade's carved face had made him nostalgic. It was almost like when Naruto had had the stupid and silly idea of decorating the third's face. - "That was Boruto," Naruto's mumbled voice snapped Sasuke out of his memories. - "Boruto?" - "My son," Naruto now dared to glance over at Sasuke as well, but he had long since averted his gaze. Wasn't he interested in this? What did Sasuke think about the fact that he had a son? Or had he perhaps already known that? Sasuke's expression betrayed nothing of his feelings and nothing about whether the fact that Naruto now had a family surprised him. But it did. Perhaps astonishment was the wrong word for it. It was rather the resignation about the fact that Naruto had grown up enough to look for a wife. Should he really have been surprised? Actually not. After all, over ten years had passed since he had last been here. A lot had changed in that time. Naruto was certainly not the only one who had built up a family in that time. After all, he himself had a daughter, didn't he? Sasuke should be glad that he finally had a family. Finally someone who loved him and who was waiting for him when he came home. But something kept Sasuke from doing so. Was it perhaps the uncomfortable burning in his chest? Or the thick lump in his throat?

"Then he's taking after his father" - How Sasuke had managed to speak was a mystery to himself. Indeed, he would much rather have remained silent and simply forgotten the fact that a woman was waiting for Naruto at home. With a table set full of food, in a perfect family home, with perfect children. - "That's exactly what's getting me down" - If Sasuke didn't have such good control over his mine, he surely would have looked over at Naruto now, confused. Did Sasuke now have to understand what Naruto meant by that? - "Do you know why I did all that back then?" asked Naruto as he took his face out of his sleeves and rested his chin on it instead, almost as if he realized that Sasuke didn't understand any of what he was saying. - "Because you're an idiot?" - Naruto actually had to smirk at that answer. And that was despite the fact that he absolutely didn't feel like it. But it was just too good to hear another one of Sasuke's taunts. But that little high faded quite quickly as Naruto's thoughts returned to the topic at hand. - "No, I just wanted attention. I just wanted people to finally pay attention to me. I was so lonely and alone that I craved any kind of attention. If only it consisted of everyone looking at me disapprovingly. But they noticed me. They knew I existed" - Again Naruto buried his face. - "I never knew my parents, and for a long time I didn't know how parental love was expressed, let alone felt. But Boruto has parents. He has everything I didn't have. So what kind of father do I have to be if he feels lonely and unappreciated despite everything?"

"Maybe you're just reading too much into it," Sasuke tried to calm him down a bit. - If you really believe that, you're an even worse father than I am" - That had hit home. Sasuke couldn't think of anything more to say, just kept silent. What could he say? After all, Naruto was right. He himself had no idea of being a father, let alone a good one. So should he have the right to give Naruto advice now? Probably not - "I never met Sarada," Sasuke confessed as he continued to stare straight ahead. He felt that it would be more appropriate to feel charm about it, but that was not the case. He had no attachment to her at all, he didn't know her. I guess that just made him an even worse person. - "I have no idea about being a father" - Naruto squinted over at Sasuke. It didn't surprise him at all that Sasuke had absolutely no idea about his daughter. He had been away for the last ten years and had never seen Sarada or Sakura in that time. Naruto was surprised that he had any idea what his daughter's name was. - "I always thought that being Ho-kage was all I needed to be happy. But now that I am, I realize how many facets there are to life. There is a path I have to choose. Am I a good ho-kage or a good father. I can't be both" - Naruto paused.

He felt that twinge in his chest again when he thought about neglecting one of the two most important things in his life. Would he abandon the village or his family? - "For the very first time it occurs to me that I would also be satisfied with just being a husband and father. That there are things I wanted to be just as much as Ho-kage. But I got so bogged down in it that I didn't leave room for anything else. And now? Hinata hardly gets to see me anymore and my children would rather look for another role model than their father. They hate me" - Naruto heard Sasuke snort. - "Believe me, they don't hate you. If they try to kill you, then they hate you," Sasuke replied in a tone as if he were just talking about the weather. And yet there was something about it that made Naruto smile a little. Sasuke was probably right. After all, he of all people should know what it was like to really hate someone. And when he drew that comparison between Sasuke and his son again, his own problem seemed almost ridiculous. - "You know, Boruto is now at the age where he is allowed to go to the ninja academy. He even goes to class with Sarada at the moment" - Naruto was still smiling. Yes, that between Boruto and Sarada was exactly the same as between Naruto and Sasuke. The two couldn't be more different and yet the two were quite good friends. They were friends and rivals at the same time, just like their fathers.

"As Ho-kage, I have to be present at every enrollment of new students at the academy. And when it finally came to Boruto, I was unable to be present as a father as well. First and foremost, I was Ho-kage that day. I had so many responsibilities. I had the task of speaking to the new students, to their family, to the faculty, that I didn't even have the opportunity to approach my own son during the entire ceremony. I couldn't be there for him, I had seen him, but at the same time he was just one of many who were enrolled that day and put under the obligation to protect Konoha. It wasn't until late in the evening, when the ceremony was long over, that I was able to go home. I approached Boruto and wanted to apologize and congratulate him but all I got from him was a look so full of disappointment and disdain. He didn't even give me a chance to say anything. And that was the very first time I realized that I was a bad father".

"If you believe that, why are you still here? Why aren't you with your family like a good father would be?" - "Why aren't you?" - "Because I'm not one" - Silence reigned again, but it seemed to Naruto that Sasuke wanted to say something else, not sure if he should really say it. He glanced over at him. - "Besides, I wanted to see you" - Now he had said it after all. Sasuke had really dared to tell Naruto how he really felt. Even if it was only a very small step, it meant a lot for Sasuke to be open with Naruto. And that's what made Naruto smile. And he realized that he was still here for exactly the same reason. - "So where do we go from here?" asked Naruto into the comfortable silence that had settled over them. It was a question that had been burning in his soul for ages. But now that Sasuke was sitting next to him, so peaceful, it almost killed him not to know how long he would stay. Was the appearance perhaps only deceiving? - "Are you staying in Konoha now?" - Now it was time. Now he had asked him. What would he say? Would he be happy with staying here? - "Do you want me to stay?" - A counter question. Why did all their communication consist of questions with counter-questions? Couldn't they be open with each other for once? It was driving Naruto crazy! Why was Sasuke making this dependent on him now? It was pretty obvious that he wanted him here, wasn't it? - "Of course I do! But that's not the point" - Naruto turned to look at him, but he couldn't catch his gaze. Slowly, Naruto felt Sasuke was avoiding his gaze. - "You left that time because you were looking for something. Did you find it?" - Yeah, had he found it? Sasuke didn't really know himself. He had simply been searching for himself. But who was he now? And what was the truth he so desperately longed for? That his brother was a good man after all? That he had died and Sasuke had trampled on that through his actions? That everything he had ever done had been drowned in utter futility? If Sasuke was honest with himself, then he had to admit to himself that he had found nothing at all in the last ten years. All that time had taught him was inner peace. He was able to shed some of his anger, but had he already found himself through that? Sasuke was not sure. But he knew that he simply had not been able to stand being alone for so many years. And first and foremost, he had longed for this small and crazy mess who had built a life of his own in the meantime. A life in which he might no longer have a place. And yet he hoped that maybe it was Naruto who could show him who he really was.

"Would I be back here otherwise?" - Naruto looked uncertainly in front of him, which Sasuke noticed, of course. And involuntarily he wondered what had happened to Naruto. What had become of him in the last few years? Where was this excited and loud-mouthed man, whose tongue was faster than his mind? Who thought with his heart instead of his head? Of that very man, Sasuke could recognize nothing in Naruto. - "Why are you even questioning this? I thought all you wanted was to have me back here?" - "But not if you don't actually want to be here" - Again Naruto buried his head in his arms. Now it was him who wanted to avoid Sasuke's gaze, even if he could be sure he still wasn't looking in his direction. Naruto didn't even notice that he was only half right about that anymore, nor did he see Sasuke looking at him out of the corner of his eye. - "Do you actually know what kind of crap you're talking? All these years you didn't give a shit about what I wanted. You constantly chased after me and tried to get me back. And now? What has become of the old Naruto?", Sasuke now spoke out what he had been thinking all along. But Sasuke thought he already knew the answer. - "He had to clear the field to make room for the Ho-kage. And that's the one who doesn't want to make other people unhappy anymore. It's enough if it's my family because I'm never around. I don't want to put you through that, too. Therefore, if you want to go, then go!" - Naruto closed his eyes. He didn't want to think about it anymore. It was bad enough that his son hated him, he didn't need Sasuke doing it too. He didn't want to think about that.

"I won't go anywhere again, I promised you" - Sasuke gently touched Naruto on the part of his cheek that he could still see. He was unsure about it. The many years of isolation and loneliness, had made him blunt towards such tenderness. Was it even appropriate what he was doing? He hoped so, after all he didn't want to scare Naruto. But the latter only looked up. He looked at him, and for the very first time since they sat here, he returned it. For the first time in ten years, they really looked into each other's eyes. They eyed each other, and Sasuke noticed that Naruto didn't look as happy as he should. Circles spread under his eyes and his lips twisted into a thin line. The blue of his eyes looked dull and only with a trained eye could the sparkle from before be seen in the far corner of his iris. Naruto tried to give him an uplifting smile. He reached out and placed the palm of his hand now completely on his cheek as he closed his eyes in enjoyment. Naruto just enjoyed Sasuke's closeness and his warmth, which he had not felt for the last ten years. Suddenly he relaxed and almost felt as if any burden of the last time fell from him. Being here with Sasuke had an effect on him like the company of no other person he knew. For the first time in a long time, he felt safe and secure again, nothing could happen to him here, nothing could harm him here.

"If I could, I would turn back time" - It was spoken softly, almost a mere whisper, but Sasuke understood every word. He felt the skin move under his fingers and the slight vibration of his voice. - "And then?" he asked softly, daring to gently stroke Naruto's cheek with his thumb, eliciting a small sigh. - "Then I would just stop time so that nothing can change" - "Why not now? Don't you love your family?" - Sasuke still stroked Naruto's cheek incessantly, now slowly running his pinky and ring finger down his jaw. - "Yes, I do! Of course I do!" Naruto burst out a little louder, but Sasuke still didn't stop stroking his cheek tenderly. He noticed that it calmed Naruto down, and he wanted anything but an upset Ho-kage right now. He simply ignored the fact that it made him feel a whole lot better himself - ""They're more important to me than anything else!"" - "But?" - "Nothing but. They are all I have" - Even if he was Ho-kage, real family was only his wife and his two children. That was all the family, real blood relationship he had. His children were everything to him. - "Then why would you want to go to a past without them?" - Naruto opened his eyes again and looked at his counterpart. He didn't have an answer to that question himself. Or did he have it and just didn't want to admit it to himself? No matter what the answer was, he would feel bad about it in the aftermath. So why did Sasuke always have to ask such difficult questions? - "You just don't understand!" - With a strained expression, Naruto pushed Sasuke's hand away from his face and turned away from him a bit. Why did Sasuke have to ask such a thing, of all things? And then at this time, too? Where they were sitting together like this, touching. Why did Sasuke just make him feel so bad, and in every way possible. - " I do understand. I would too if I could" - Naruto refrained from asking Sasuke the same question just to know what he would answer. What reasons would Sasuke have?

"If you could go back, what moment would it be?" - Naruto didn't think about his answer for a second before he replied. He had already thought about it a lot, especially during the lonely nights he had spent next to his wife. - "The moment after our last fight," Naruto confessed, which only earned him a snort from Sasuke. - "You're an idiot" - He looked indignantly at Sasuke, who had returned his gaze to the front. - "Why is that again?" - "Of all the moments we've had together, you pick the one where we both almost got killed. The one where we spent the whole agonizing night in the Valley of the End wounded, armless, and completely wiped out," - When Sasuke thought back on it like that, it really was a horrible night. He really thought they would both die there. He didn't know how they finally made it, but what he did know was that it was the day when everything changed between them. That night they had been closer than ever before, and without really saying anything. They understood each other even without words, it had always been like that. - "Just because of that" - These words snapped Sasuke out of his memories and made him look at Naruto in wonder. - "Don't you understand? It was the moment full of peace. Nothing but us had any meaning anymore. There was no war, no obligation, no contempt, no hatred, no people, no Sakura, no Hinata, just the two of us. It was perfect in its imperfection because there was absolutely nothing. Everything I needed was there" - A small smile flitted across Naruto's lips, which of course did not go unnoticed by Sasuke. Had it really been that important to him? Did this one moment really mean so incredibly much to him that he wanted to go back there. Somehow Sasuke could understand it. After all, it was the beginning of it all. It was the beginning of their relationship - if you could still call it that - and the beginning of growing up. They both had families now. They had children. But what did that mean for both of them?

"Would you do everything the same if you had a second chance?" - Now Naruto's smile became more bitter. He laughed out in desperation and his brow furrowed deeply. - "You'll think I'm crazy," he replied, his gaze held strained further into the distance. Was he now thinking about his answer? Sasuke didn't think so. In the last few minutes that they had been sitting here together, he had learned many things about Naruto, especially many new things. And it seemed to Sasuke that Naruto had had a lot of time in the last few years to figure out what he really wanted. And most of all, what he wanted back. - "No. I would do everything differently, and I'm ashamed of that" - Was that what Naruto had been thinking about? How he could best make Sasuke realize what a bad person he was? It had to be, because Sasuke could see Naruto suppressing the tears that were slowly welling up inside him and instead hiding his face in his hands. All so he wouldn't look at him. - "Even though I have everything, I'm so unhappy and it's all your fault!" - Sasuke remained silent. What could he say to that either. He knew exactly what Naruto was alluding to. And now was probably the time to deal with it one more time. But how many more times were they going to do this? How many more times should they discuss where this was taking them? Sasuke was tired of going over it again and again. Whether it was with Naruto or in an internal battle with himself.

"Why did you stop me from going with you then? We could have been together" - "And then? Would you have doddered after me for ages? You would have given up all your dreams. You wouldn't be Ho-kage now" - "So what?" - Naruto didn't want to raise his voice. The last person in this world he wanted to raise his voice against was Sasuke. And yet, he could no longer hold on to himself. Pure defiance sounded in his voice, and yet he just looked at his hands. He took them from his face and stared at them instead of looking at Sasuke, who was looking at him with a searching gaze. Was he supposed to be serious? Would Naruto really give up all of this just for Sasuke? - "It would have been better all around than this farce called my life. I'm with a woman who I've had nothing to say to for a long time. My children hate me, and while I'm drowning in work and protecting this village, after all these years I still wonder how serious it really is. This village hated me for so long, made my life hell and gave me the shittiest childhood you can have. And then, when it comes to protecting them with my life, they celebrate me as a hero? I wonder how much of that will be hypocrisy? And to top it off, the only person I've ever really loved disappears for so long that I've almost forgotten what he looks like! Do you call that a happy life? I would have given all that up in a heartbeat just to spend one damn day by your side!" - Naruto buried his face in his hands again. And for the first time, Sasuke realized the extent of what had actually happened. How dependent Naruto really was on him, and that even though he had pushed him away all this time, hurt him and kept him at a distance for so long. How had it all come to this?

"There's really nothing that can be done right for you" - Why did he say that now? Why did Sasuke say such things, even though Naruto didn't want to hear anything but that he was right. That Sasuke also regretted not taking him along and that he wanted him with him. But what had he expected? That Sasuke now poured out his heart to him? That he was suddenly a completely different person who knew how to deal with feelings? Certainly not.

And yet Naruto looked over at him now, with a look that showed astonishment. - "You achieved everything you wanted and you're complaining about it? After all, you can badmouth anything, can't you? But you're right. A family that loves you, the position of a Ho-kage and the respect of a whole nation are something terrible" - Why only did he have to say something like that? Couldn't Sasuke just be content with Naruto revealing to him how quickly he would give all that up, just for him? Why was he doing this to him? And why was he doing this to himself? He didn't want to push him further away. And yet he couldn't stand the way he said things like that. How he made his life bad for himself and made everything depend on Sasuke. He should be able to live a life without Sasuke, too. And he would have to. After all, it was already too late for them both. That they could ever be together was impossible. Could Naruto be happy for the rest of his life if he talked his life so badly? If he didn't see all the good in it just because Sasuke had no place in it? Maybe.

But how should he make that clear to him? He didn't notice that Naruto was asking himself exactly the same question. Naruto would much rather have sunk into the ground in shame. He knew nothing more to answer it. No matter how many words left his mouth, none of them could explain to Sasuke how he felt right now. How hard it had been for him the last few years, so completely without him.

"What about you? What moment would you like to go back to?" - The change of subject was convenient for both of them. Neither of them knew how to broach this sensitive subject further. Perhaps it was also better not to do it again for now. For now, they should leave it at that. They would certainly still get some opportunities to argue about it. But for now, it was best to just leave it alone. - "To no one in particular. Just to one before all this happened. When Itachi was still around" - Naruto squinted over at Sasuke uncertainly. - "Would you do things differently too?" - He was nervous. Would Sasuke choose differently if it involved them. Would he also rather be with him than have to constantly wonder now. What he should have done differently. Did it torment him as much as Naruto? - "I don't think so. For what reason either? I would be just as clueless as I was then. Full of hate" - Sasuke's look became more thoughtful. Would it do any good to do everything differently? After all, he would feel it anyway. The infinite hatred he carried inside him, destroying everything he tried to build up. - "And if you knew better?" - Yes, what then? If he had known from the beginning how it would end? If he had known right away that hatred was completely pointless? That Naruto and he would one day feel something like that for each other? Would he still be himself then? These experiences he had had were shaping him. Would he be a better person then? Would he be a person that could be loved? - "Of course, who wouldn't? But then I wouldn't be who I am today" - "Would that be bad?" - Would it? It depended. Would what currently existed between them still exist? Or would they be complete strangers to each other? - "I thought that was the reason you loved me? Would you like me to be different?" - "If we could have been together" - Whether he wanted to admit it or not, but it hit Sasuke. It hit him in his cold heart, which he thought had long since stopped feeling pain. But it was not so. For at that moment, as Naruto stared ahead with a look that made him nauseous, he felt it all too clearly beating wildly against his chest.

"Would you still have loved me the same?" - "I would have always loved you. No matter what you would have been like. I love everything about you, without exception" - He hadn't even hesitated for a moment. Naruto had given an answer right away, looking him seriously in the eyes. Sasuke should know for sure how serious he was. If it was up to him, everyone should know. - "Idiot" - It really made Sasuke smile. He hadn't done that in a long time, and it felt liberating to sit here with Naruto with this sense of lightness. He hadn't felt that way in a long time. And Naruto looked at Sasuke. He noticed how much he had changed after all. Starting with his still night-black hair that hung in his face, making it clear that he had something to hide. And yet, Naruto couldn't help but reach out to see what was behind the curtain of hair. Not that he didn't really know, but the urge to see Sasukes face the way he used to was overpowering. Looking into those eyes that had always looked at him with a confidence. - "What are you doing?" - Snapped out of his thoughts, Naruto first noticed the large hand around his wrist that was preventing him from removing the offending hair from Sasuke's face. - "I-I wanted to see your face" - He looked at him and Naruto knew that Sasuke's gaze was searching for something in his eyes that might say something else. But he found nothing. Because all Naruto really wanted was to look at him. He wanted to see the Sasuke he had let go years ago. The one he had grown up with, the one he had fallen in love with. - "Don't do that" - With those simple words, Sasuke dismissed the matter and let go of Naruto's wrist.

"Why? It's not like I've never seen it before" - Sasuke knew immediately that Naruto was alluding to the Rin'negan. After all, that's all he was trying to hide. - "I don't care about that" - Was it really that obvious? When had Naruto started reading him like a book? When had it been that Naruto immediately understood what was going on inside him? How did he know him so well? And that although Sasuke didn't know him at all. He didn't know what was going on with him. He didn't know anything from inside him. And although he actually wished to change that, he had given him such a dismissive answer as only an Uchiha could give. He rejected him again. Again he pushed him away. It was all as it had always been. - "Why do you mind if I see it? There's no one else here" - "Because I hate it" - It just burst out of him. Without thinking about it, Sasuke had spoken words again and he knew he had a snotty tone to it. Even if he would never say that about himself. He would never admit that Sasuke Uchiha sounded snotty. He wasn't a defiant little kid anymore, after all! - "And just because you hate it, I do too or what? Are you afraid I'll run away?" - Naruto didn't let Sasuke's behavior faze him one bit. Instead, he grinned at him with a huge smile, as if they were joking about something. But this was anything but a joke. Sasuke was dead serious. - "Everyone is afraid of it. As soon as you see something they don't know, they run away" - "Since when do you give a damn about what others think. In the old days, you would have been happy if everyone ran away from you" - Sasuke sighed. Naruto was right, after all. But what had changed over the years? Or maybe the years had just changed? Was it really he who was different? - "It isn't. That eye is a remnant of what I tried to do to you and the village" - "Is that why you hate it?" - Naruto already knew the answer, so Sasuke wouldn't have the nerve to say it. So Sasuke kept silent and stubbornly avoided looking in Naruto's direction until he suddenly felt a hand. He didn't need to look to know who it belonged to. Still, he had the feeling of trembling slightly as gentle fingers brushed the skin of his cheek before moving to his hair and carefully pushing it aside.

"I love everything about you, remember?" - Sasuke could see the gentle smile Naruto was giving him as he gazed into his Rin'negan, showing no signs of being deterred in any way. But then again, what had he expected? That Naruto would now run away screaming? He knew, after all, that he was in no way afraid or even disgusted by it. Rather, it was that Sasuke himself was the one afraid to touch it, worried that Naruto might still judge him for what he had done. And while Sasuke was still caught up in his worry, Naruto cautiously approached. He leaned over to Sasuke and only the soft breath he felt on his skin made him realize what Naruto was thinking of doing. And he stopped him. - "Stop it. You know this is wrong" - Sasuke's hand had found its way to Naruto's chest, trying to stop him from doing something he could probably regret. And even though Sasuke was so sure of what he was doing, it hurt to see the desperate expression on Naruto's face, making it abundantly clear how much he longed to touch him. To be close to him and forget for a brief moment that it wasn't Sasuke he had married. That it was not Sasuke with whom he shared his life. The one who waited for him at home every day, greeted him with gentle kisses and let him fall asleep in his warm embrace. Just once Naruto wanted to know how it felt to kiss the person for whom he would give his life without thinking. The one he love, with everything he had. And even though everything in him was screaming to just do it, and had been for so many years, he had never done it. Because he knew Sasuke was right. His conscience would plague him, even more than it already did. He was cheating on his wife, and in so many ways. If only because he loved a man and so much more than he could ever love her. But if he did it now. If he kissed Sasuke now, would he still be able to hold on? Would they ever be able to stop? Or would they fall into an endless vicious cycle until they eventually broke from it and everything they had built up crumbled into dust? - "I love you" - Naruto closed his eyes in despair, leaning against the man every cell in his body was crying out for, so much it hurt. - "I love you too" - How many years had it been since he'd said that? And how long had it been since he'd heard it? It was like a balm to his soul, and it made Sasuke addicted to it. He wanted to hear it again. And again and again and again. It was like a high he fell into every time Naruto said those words. He had missed it so immensely. But no matter how great that high was, Sasuke couldn't help but notice that something was coming closer to them.

"Someone's coming," Sasuke said in a whisper as he tried to pull away from Naruto, who sat leaning against him. - "'Whatever,'" Naruto replied, however, still not really arrived in the here and now, and only buried his right hand deeper in that black hair. - "I don't think so. I guess it's your son" - It could only be that way. Because this chakra he felt was so much like Naruto's that there could be no other possibility. And that was what completely jolted Naruto out of his thoughts and made him move away from Sasuke in a flash. He put enough distance between them so that no one would get the idea that they had gotten closer than two friends would. That he dipped his coat in the green paint heartily as he did so, he noticed only casually. As well as Sasuke's sight, which seemed to speak volumes. For even if no one else could, but Naruto saw that it hurt him. That he felt deep pain that after twenty years of sneaking around each other, they never managed to do more than admit their love for each other. Sasuke was sure, the fate did not mean it well with them. And both of them knew that they would never find each other.

A rustling sound abruptly disturbed their togetherness and instantly Boruto stood in front of them. With a grim expression on his face, still angry at Naruto for condemning him to clean the faces of the last Ho-kage from the smearing he himself had caused. - "I should go now," Naruto heard his counterpart say. He hadn't even noticed how Sasuke had gotten up while he was in the process of eyeing Boruto very closely. Again, so many thoughts were running through his head. So much he had done wrong with Boruto. So much what he should do better. But how should he do that. Their relationship was really not easy. Maybe it never would be. - "Wait" - Instantly Naruto had shifted gears, jumping up, still struggling to keep himself from reaching for Sasuke, who was already trying to turn away from them. He couldn't let Sasuke just disappear like that again now. Would he stay in Konoha? Would he see him again? Or would it be years before he saw him again? With all his might, he tried to let this aching feeling in his chest fade into the background. But it was just simply everywhere. He couldn't deny that the thought of Sasuke disappearing again was almost eating him up inside. The last few years had been bad enough. Once more he wouldn't survive that. Because if they couldn't be together, he should at least be with him. But would it really make their situation better? Would it hurt him less to be with him without the chance of ever being able to touch him, to kiss him, to enjoy his touch? And that in such a self-evident way? But that between them was not self-evident. Nor would it ever be. That realization - as many times as he'd had it - made him swallow hard. - "Hey, don't worry. I'm staying now. So I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" - Sasuke's gaze was insistent. Heat rose in Naruto while the feeling overcame him that Sasuke could see inside him. And the fact was, he could. He knew him inside and out. Like no one did, like not even Hinata did. And he gave him everything. With everything he had, he opened every corner of his soul and hoped that Sasuke saw him, all of him. - "Sasuke" - That was all Naruto could still bring himself to say. How he would love to get closer to him now. Touch him, just be with him. But he didn't. He couldn't and wasn't allowed to. He was frozen and none of his muscles dared to even twitch. And Sasuke seemed to feel the same way. They were no longer alone, they were being watched and that changed everything. Suddenly it was impossible to behave to each other the way they usually did. So he didn't make a face while he continued to look at him. Looked him in the eyes, with that look that told Naruto that he felt the same way.

"Sasuke Uchiha?" the voice that could be heard from the background invaded Naruto's mind in such an unnatural and untrue way that he was briefly tempted to startle himself. But instead, his eyes drifted to his son, who had rushed over to them in complete surprise and was now looking at Sasuke out of shining eyes. - "You're Sasuke Uchiha? That's cool!" - Now Sasuke, in turn, looked to Boruto, without responding to what he had said earlier in an excited voice. - "Um, Sasuke? That's Boruto" - "The resemblance is really incredible," was all Sasuke could think of to say. So now he was really standing in front of him. Boruto. Naruto and Hinata's son. Before, it had all been so unreal. It had been impossible for him to deny it all and tell himself that none of it had happened. That Naruto was not married, had no children, no family. But reality had caught up with him. It was clearer to him than ever before in his life that it was finally too late for both of them. There could never be anything between them. And inevitably he wondered if he was to blame. Had he driven Naruto into Hinata's arms? If he had stayed in Konoha then, might it have been him who stood by the side of the seventh Ho-kage? Would it have been he beside whom he fell asleep at night and woke up in the morning? Might it have been real between them?

"Then you should see Sarada," Naruto smiled, unaware of Sasuke's thoughts and bringing him back to the here and now. The look Sasuke gave him in response - as indefinable as it would have been to anyone else - immediately told Naruto that it had not been a good idea to approach his daughter now. Even if he still didn't know exactly what the problem was. Sarada was a wonderful girl. She was smart, like her father, and practically the spitting image of him. Naruto had to admit - as strange as it sounded - he liked looking at her. She had so much of Sasuke about her that every time he looked at her, he felt transported back to his childhood and saw that Sasuke in front of him again. Sasuke at the tender age of thirteen. The way he looked grim, put him down at every opportunity, and always, when no one was looking, kept that hurt and sad expression in his eyes. And even now, whenever he looked at Sasuke, as grown up as he had become, so masculine, he could sometimes still recognize the child from before in him. Those same sad eyes.

"Are you going to stay in Konoha now?", Boruto repeatedly interrupted his father's thoughts, not paying attention to him, while he seemed to be virtually idolizing Sasuke. - "I was planning on it," Sasuke replied in a calm tone as he squinted at Naruto, not knowing what to expect from him now. But the small smile that crept onto his lips had already been enough for him. - "Wow, then you can be my new sensei! I've heard so many stories about you! I admire you, believe it!" - Boruto's eyes shone even more, seeming to compete with the sun, which made Naruto smile a little bigger. Sasuke, on the other hand, continued to stare at him. It was almost as if he had Naruto in front of him. So young and full of eagerness, determined to become Ho-kage one day. And Sasuke knew immediately, Hinata must not have it easy at home. Because Boruto seemed to take after his father completely. And if the younger one was just like that, Hinata certainly had her great joy raising three children. - "I think you'd better let your father teach you. After all, he's the Ho-kage" - This statement made Boruto's face contort briefly, which was not lost on Naruto. - "But you are an Uchiha! You have mastered the elements of fire and wind! You played a deciding role in the great ninja world war. You have the sharingan! And the Rin'negan and-" - "Boruto!" - His father's voice sounded admonishingly, trying to restrain him in his flow of speech. Sasuke was visibly uncomfortable with this eulogy of him. Because everything around the third great ninja world war, was for him a dark chapter, which he did not like to remember back. Because, as much as they tried to gloss over it, he had a certain part of the blame that it had come so far. He had made some mistakes in his life and he didn't like to think back on them. And he was not proud of the way he had come to his Rin'negan. The fact that everything he loathed so much about himself was now what Boruto celebrated him for as a hero, even as a legend, made him sick to his stomach. It was not what he wanted to be admired for. But it was pointless to try to explain all this to a twelve-year-old. He also did not have the right to lecture him. He did not want to poison him with his hatred. He never wanted to do that again, to anyone. And especially not with one of Naruto's children. So he held back, merely allowing himself to place a hand on Boruto's head and run it briefly through his hair. - "I'll think it over. Only with your father's consent, of course" - That brought the glow back to Boruto's face and Naruto smirked slightly as well. And he also couldn't stop light tears from welling up in his eyes as he watched how Sasuke handled his son. How lovingly and carefully he touched him and how fatherly he appeared. Naruto was sure - even if Sasuke himself did not know it yet - he would make a good father. But Boruto was not Sasuke's son. Sarada would come to know him as a father. And that unbearable and sickening thought came to him, how much he wished these three were their children. That they would be a family. With all the quirks and flaws they had. With all the hatred that Sasuke still carried inside him and Sarada's coldness that she displayed. With Boruto's ambition and his stubborn head. Himawari's innocent child soul. But they were not a family. They parted ways. They had done so long ago, when they decided to live their lives on their own. Without each other. And now all that connected them was the past. This bond they had with each other. The one Naruto had held onto for so many years, no matter how many times Sasuke had tried to let go. And even now he still felt it. Stronger than ever, as he looked at his son, who with his sincere radiance forced a small smile from Sasuke. So deeply did he feel it that it almost tore him up inside.

And as they stood there like that, their backs to the wind and the dancing leaves around them, what Naruto was sure he would treasure this image. To hold on to that brief moment when he could imagine that everything was as he had always wanted it to be. That he was sure was the way his life should have gone. But fate was a cruel traitor.

17.10.2017