1.
As we continued walking through the forest, the vast gathering of trees and bushes all in a place relatively untouched by humans, hoping to continue being so, my nervousness increased. The trees and bushes progressively started to have what seemed to be faces, as if they were a freaky mixture of an artist's creative interpretation of a human face put on top of a large stick. The night didn't help either. My flashlight would shine briefly on those faces, and then they would be gone away into the darkness.
This was further not helped by the fact that Selina and I continuously heard the shuffling we had experienced before. As we progressed along our journey, it only seemed to grow more and more prevalent to our ears. It seemed like there were more and more creatures in those bushes, waiting in the low visibility of the night to pounce upon us.
"Selina," I said, "I think some creatures might be stalking us."
"We've got guns, Bruce," purred Selina, "We'll be fine. Just be alert for when they decide to attack. Show no fear and maybe they'll even choose not to do anything."
The moment after she said that, something pounced out of the bushes. It was a large figure, at least the size of a human. I screamed, Selina hissed, and we both stepped back. Just as we realised it was a creature with a human form, in a green robe, and wearing that distinctive mask, we were yet again being yanked up into the treetops and enclosed in a box.
"Not again," Selina groaned.
"Welcome, contestants, to round two," exclaimed the booming voice of the Mage of Misery, "Honestly, I didn't think you would even survive round one. I mean, that was the hardest round! I didn't think anybody still knew about the T. Fodeian code. Very impressive. No wonder you managed to catch those other priests so easily. Unfortunate, indeed, but I suppose it's ironic, then, that I've caught YOU now!"
From the background I heard the audience laugh at that.
"Thank you, dear audience," said the Mage, "Look forward to more fantastic content, because we are now about to start... round TWO!"
A round of cheers could be heard. That's why the Miserysts had been cheering us on in round one. They had wanted to continue watching us suffer.
"Now, my dear, beloved contestants. You may think you're so clever, having passed that little game of ours, but our God Ferdinand does tell us that Misery is crafty, and here he is in full power. Of course he'd choose a servant who went to a fancy schmancy school! Of course he'd choose someone who knew the T. Fodeian code! But let us remember, my fellow Miserysts watching this, that our true God Ferdinand will always prevail in the end, no matter how hopeless things may seem. Let's see if these contestants can survive round two.
So... Batman and Catwoman. Think they're the top of the crop. Think they might as well be vigilantes and disrupt the lives of simple, pure-hearted, people. My, my. What fucking pigs. But who is worse, the pigs, or the people who think that the pigs are humans? Because, my fellow Miseryst children, Gotham City has gone mad! They can't see these Misery-licking morons for the unlawful bastards that they are! They worship them, as if they were some kind of God! Let this be a lesson, then, my children, that heretics will always worship false idols. Fucking pagans, the lot of them!
But we expected the unbelievers to like them. So what about our fellow children? Truly, Misery is powerful. The hedonistic lives of the heretics has allowed him to spawn these two from the Pits of Damnation and lure away our own community into sin! Gotham City has become a playground for madmen, a complete perversion of our God Ferdinand's holy wishes. While our own priests rot away in their jail cells, our own people shamefully scorn at their fathers' faces, and at the noble values that Miserysts promote. Our fellow brothers and sisters, those who we prayed with, who we loved our God Ferdinand with, are now out there, being happy instead of being miserable!"
The audience audibly gasped.
"What further proof do we need that Gotham City is being abolished because of these two scum before us? Well, the Mayor himself supports them! Since when has a Mayor, someone with an official position in the government of our great city, someone who is meant to have respect for the law and to adhere to it, promoting the actions of vigilantes? Shameful behaviour, truly shameful behaviour! So, I suppose, Batman and Catwoman, if those are indeed your real names, that, since the Mayor loves you so much, why doesn't he get to decide whether you live or die?
And no, before you worry your sweet little asses off about this, I did not kidnap the Mayor! I've got an underlying sense of ethics, and a strong distinction between good and evil, unlike you two! Kidnapping the Mayor is wrong! Don't do it for a stupid gameshow! If you're gonna do it, do it for our true Lord, for only he deserves the Mayor and his miserably moronic brain!"
"Hey!" I shouted, finally having enough, "Don't insult the Mayor. He's a good person!"
"Ooh, someone's ticked off," said the Mage of Misery, the glee clear in her voice, "Whatever, fine. No more insulting. I guess I'd better get to my point now. Take a look at the side to your left. Perfect. Now, on that side will appear thirty different clips of the Mayor speaking. Since you love him so much, and since he clearly loves you, surely you can differentiate the clip in which he's talking about you? If you do, click on it, and if you're right, you get to go free. The doors of the box will open and you can slide out. I think that's fair. More fair than you are to our religion, at any rate!
If, however, you pick the wrong clip, then you obviously die. If you take a look up to the top of your box, you will clearly see two large, heavy, metal balls. They're bigger than the entire volume of the box, so if they fall, they will fall on you. They're beautiful. They're perfectly shaped, like two, giant, fantastically-rounded marbles. They represent the first Mayor of Gotham, Nathaniel Westnorth, and all the other Mayors afterwards. How ironic, then, that you, who are so beloved by Gotham and by its Mayor, will be killed by something that represents those things? Isn't that just great?"
This was received in the affirmative by her audience. I was personally now enraged with the Mage of Misery. How DARE she wrap the image of the Mayor with something so evil as this sadistic ritual? And not just that, but have the audacity to question the morality of what we were doing, when she did far worse every day? She was so confident in herself, so disgusted by the fact that we would lock up priests who murdered, yet so unaware that she locked up innocent people when she kidnapped them. What's worse was that, when she delivered such an atrocity of a speech, she had an entire audience supporting her, and Selina and I were just two people. We were being laughed at, judged for trying to put an end to something harmful. And, again, how dare she include Mayor Garcia into all of this? He had no place in her twisted games! I felt my blood beginning to boil and the frown appearing on my forehead. My breaths started becoming stronger and deeper. I was dangerously close to what I had felt before, when I had shot Jeremy Fox.
"Bruce," purred Selina, "You said you could control your anger around these people. Remember, we aren't fighting out of anger. We're here to clean up what should have been cleaned up ages ago. And, if we're making it out of here alive, and then going on to defeat this woman, you need to be calm while we do it. Not only if we are to succeed in the mission, but if we are to succeed as vigilantes."
"I understand," I said, taking deep breaths, remembering what Alfred had told me about meditation, and what I had then used to help me calm myself during my sessions.
"That's sweet," said the Mage of Misery, "But now the game will begin. You have two minutes and only one try. Good luck."
Thirty different screens showed up on the side of the box, each of a different news segment of Mayor Garcia talking. I was, to say the least, completely stunned. So many Mayor Garcias, just looking at me. So many. It was like having sixty $200 ice-creams all at once. I couldn't handle it. It was too much. I needed to sit down on the floor of the box after seeing so many Mayor Garcias in a row. I was literally seeing thirty different squares of perfection, and my mind had been shattered. No one can handle so much elegance all at once. It was like being at the beach with a gargantuan stack of fries, and then having hundreds of seagulls swarm to you, to the point where you can no longer see the beach, just a mass of white feathers.
"I'm sorry," I told Selina, "That's just too many Mayor Garcias. I can't handle this."
Selina nodded her head in understanding, and turned to the wall of the Mayor. She thought for a bit, and her ears almost looked as if they were as finely-tuned as cat-ears are, and were now sifting through the different layers of sound to find the correct one. I looked up at the two giant balls above us and thought again about Mayor Garcia. My head was having the ache of its lifetime.
Just like in round one, the Mage of Misery was shouting how much time was left every ten seconds. Selina later went on to tell me how frustrating this was when trying to compete in something that required the use of ear. I can't tell you about Selina's decision-making beyond that, but I do know that she eventually picked a square of Mayor Garcia, as if you could pick only one, and turned out to be correct.
"You are correct," hissed the Mage of Misery.
There was a round of boos, but I also heard cheering. My lungs sank. Were there more traps out there for us to face?
"I suppose Gotham City's well-wishing for you carried on over into this competition. Or perhaps it is the devilry of Misery working again. Whatever the case is, it would appear you've been lucky twice now, you little pathetic maggots. Do not count on it happening a third time. But see you then!"
The speakers cut off and we were left with an open door. Relieved, we climbed out of it, down by the now familiar type of tree, and continued down the forest, with the idea of a third trap firmly in our consciousness, and the determination to avoid it, no matter what.
We fell right into the third trap. Someone, presumably a Miseryst, shot an arrow at Selina, and, because of her phenomenal reflexes, she stepped aside to avoid the arrow, but she couldn't avoid the trap. My lungs sank even further while I was being pulled up into the sky by rope for the third time that night.
"Hello again, you spawn of Misery!" cried the Mage of Misery, "So far, you have survived two of my traps, but will you be able to survive a third one? Will the forces of Misery still be on your side once again, or will our God Ferdinand finally raise his mighty hand, and crush you to smithereens? I suppose we'll find out! Audience, you have all been great tonight, and let's hope this is going to be as entertaining as the other ones were. Give yourselves a round of applause!"
The audience cheered and clapped, as if this was some kind of circus show instead of a fight for the right to live.
"Our current trap right now is to do with something that we all should treat very seriously, and which has been taken away from those who de-converted from our religion. It has been taken away by these two, as if they were some kind of playground bullies stealing a child's favourite toy and utterly destroying it. Catwoman and Batman are like those child bullies, who just smash things up for their own enjoyment and satisfaction without thinking of the consequences for others, how this may hurt them.
You see, one of the many great things that Miserysm provides to the people of Gotham City is hope. We all know what a terrible place that Gotham City is to live in, especially for the average citizen. While people like the fancy-schmancy private school guy down there sit around drinking their wine and watching their 8-K TV screens, we, the common people, have to deal with the crime rate of this city. We have to deal with going outside every day and not knowing what could happen to us. We have to deal with struggling to pay the bills, and with working in poor conditions because the crime bosses suck up all the money for themselves and give nothing to us! We have to deal with all of that!
And we're only human. We can only take so much before life loses all its meaning. That's where the true words of our God Ferdinand come in. Our God Ferdinand offers companionship, with people who went through the same struggles as you and who believe the same things as you. With his joyful words, he brings us commoners together. With his teachings, he gives us power to do something about the struggles we're in. With his promises, he allows us to dream of a better future, up there with him and all the Happiness we could want. A place free from the burdens of living in the Pit of Damnation that is Gotham City.
No wonder Miserysm calls to people! Its simple but beautiful rules help guide us in our day-to-day lives. They give us a sense of meaning and belonging, something that Gotham City doesn't have enough of. And these spoiled, privileged brats want to take it away from us! They have ripped up the papers of people's lives and thrown them in the shredder! Audience, do you not think that they deserve punishment for this!?"
The audience roared in the affirmative.
"Then let's begin the third round. You see, Batman and Catwoman, nearby you is a spinning wheel. On this wheel, we have thirty-two different sections. Half of these sections say "poor". The other half say "rich". Now, you get to choose which one of those two you want to be. If you spin the wheel, and you stop it on "rich", then you get all the gold you could ever need. If, however, you land on "poor", you get nothing of monetary value.
Sounds great, right? You either win something or lose nothing. But, the funny thing is, if you land on "rich", the gold you'll get will be in liquid form, and it will flow down into your little box and drown you! Oh, and while you're drowning, because liquid gold is boiling hot, you'll be screaming in agonising pain! So, the irony is, you can either be extremely rich but extremely dead, or have nothing, but still be alive! Isn't that fantastic!? Perhaps it could teach you a lesson about the commoners who you have spat upon.
You may spin the wheel as long as you want, but you've got to stop it on the option you want, or else you get the other one. You get only one try. Begin!"
We spun the wheel. The different colours flew by quickly. Obviously we were going to choose the "poor" option, because we didn't want to die, but it was so difficult to see which one was that, when the wheel was flying by at such a fast rate! Selina's brows went down into the frown of concentration. Suddenly, she stopped the wheel. I breathed a sigh of relief. We had landed on the "poor" option.
"Oh, guess you didn't want to be rich! At least you're still alive though, eh? Well, I must congratulate you two. You managed to survive all my traps! How truly magnificent. The door is open right now if you want to leave. I'll see you at the mansion..."