Shiho was not aware her skin was cut. She kept on nervously scratching her index, repeatedly till it turned bloody. Her eyes widened upon noticing the red color. She muttered a curse word, checking the rest of her hand for any cuts she didn't feel the pain of.
Fidgeting with her hand was something she unconsciously fell into whenever she felt nervous. The point of getting too harsh to dig blood was a first. Then again, meeting Gin after he had tried to force himself on her was a first too. And meeting him after she had been with another man beside him was new as well.
Unsafe was the word to summarize her feelings. Had it not been for the text from Rum asking everyone to gather at a certain warehouse where Gin would be giving them roles for a new mission, she would never have wanted to see his face again.
The fact that there was only her and Vermouht in there made her feel more unsettled. She knew Vermouth had a special dislike for her. Her passive-aggressive demeanor didn't make it easier for Shiho, who had to stand and watch Vermouth look at her without interruption.
"You look nervous." Vermouth noted, breaking the silence.
Sherry found a shoulder shrug to be enough of an answer. She glanced down at her wristwatch, it was ten minutes past the meeting time… If only Dai would arrive already, it would be better with him around. It wasn't like him to be late, she thought.
The roar of an old Porsche brought her out of her thoughts. Her heartbeats immediately fastened, knowing she was mere seconds away from facing Gin. Shiho didn't know they could get any faster until she caught the eye of him stepping out of the car, followed by Vodka.
With his usual long dark coat, and ice-cold eyes, walked Gin their way. His eyes were locked on Shiho alone, not seeing anything else around him. Shiho felt her heart tighten with every step he took toward her, the oxygen running thinner and lesser with every inch.
Her terror was not only internal as it seemed, since Gin seemed to notice, inducing a smirk in him.
"What's with you? You look like you've seen a ghost." He said once he reached them.
"I'm fine," Shiho muttered. Though the fires in her eyes spoke louder than her words.
Gin grinned wider, fixing his gaze on her for an extra moment. "We'll see about that." He looked around the place. "Where are the others?"
"Not here yet."
"Fucking idiots, now we're gonna be wasting time."
"You're one to talk," Vermouth added, not taking his bullshit when he was late as well.
Just then, a sports car was heard approaching. Soon, the organization's snipers appeared. One fired and excited as usual, the other slowly following her steps.
"We're sorry for the delay, traffic..."
"Get your asses here and let's start."
"Rye is not here yet." Intervened Vermouth.
"We can start without him."
"Maybe we should wait a little." She interjected, "He's usually very early."
Gin ignored her comment and started explaining everything about the mission. The person they needed silencing, the conference he is going to attend, his accompanying bodyguards, his hotel room, the need to get him privately in his room, the hotel architecture...
In the sheer silence apart from Gin's voice, a sound of footsteps stood out, interrupting Gin and causing everyone to turn around to find Dai walking inside.
Shiho's face from all the faces seemed to exchange the crease between her eyebrows for a look of relief. They agreed to take a while to think. Merely a week had passed since then with none of them contacting the other, and it was fine for despite it all, they had this silent understanding that they would be there for each other when needed. Shiho was surprised, however, to see he'd lost weight. His face didn't have its usual glow, there was no cockiness in it. Not his usual overconfidence. He looked like someone with a thousand things on their mind. Even when he was crossing his way towards them, he looked like he was still thinking of something that had been consuming him for days. She wondered if she were that thing.
"You're late." Gin said, looking displeased.
"I know. I had ah... thing, to take care of."
For a usually excelent liar, Shiho caught his lie easily. Gin seemed not to since he went on to rebuke him until Shuichi brushed him off with a hand gesture.
"...So as I was saying, we only got to know about this five hours ago. We're acting tonight at 7 pm, fast and efficient. You two will stick outside and guard the perimeter with your rifles. Vermouth, lead us in and grant us an entrance to the inside. Rye, there to reinforce, clean up if there's any mess. You intervene only for plan B along with Vermouth. And last but not at all the least..." Gin turned to Shiho with a satisfied look. "...You, lure him back up to his hotel room and execute."
"What?" The word immediately slipped Shiho's lips. Her shocked expression was countered by Gin's unsubtle satisfaction.
"See I kept to you the sherry on top, Sherry. Very suitable, isn't it?"
Shiho gulped down thickly. She glared at him, in denial of what she heard. She hated having to look at his face again, hated the satisfaction it had, his expression, everything. Her answer came out calm despite all that.
"Gin, I'm not going to kill anyone."
"Why not?" He approached her with a step, making her nervousness spike up. His familiar scent and his towering body... they no longer have pleasing memories associated with them. "What? You think you're better than us?"
"No!" Shiho frowned. "I mean… I'm not saying that. I'm actually worse! I never did this before and it's important! Vermouth is already going in, she would do better."
"Nah, I actually would like to watch you do it," Vermouth smirked. "I'm curious to see how that goes."
"I'll do it if you don't want to," Kianti added. "I'm not only handy with a rifle Gin, as you know."
"Actually Sherry's right, Vermouth would be better." Joined Vodka.
While everyone got a word to say, Shuichi stood silent and pale. And despite him looking distracted by something, his eyes seemed to gain interest in following what was happening, granted with silence. He stood rigid and quiet, as though tight by a rope.
"-Everyone shut-up!" Gin raised his voice. His roar was enough to send chills down the spines and create a death silence in the big space. He looked down at Sherry, grin wiped, face serious. "It's me who gets to decide who does, and I said that it's you."
Shiho kept silent. She held her stance, looking at him up and back for as long as it took till she got something to say.
"Is Boss aware of this?"
"I showed him why you are the best one for the job and he's sold. So don't prove me wrong."
Before he could finish his sentence, a white cloth was brought out from his belt. He extended it in Shiho's direction.
It was obvious to her what could be hidden under that shape. Shiho looked back up at him with fired eyes. How she hated that hint of enjoyment in his eyes, the satisfaction, the certainty of her obedience, how she wished to punch his face off. He won her in every battle they had, and now he gets to get his own revenge his own way. A revenge for trying to harm her and failing.
Shiho looked down at the gun, then back up. She opened her mouth looking like she had much to say when a voice interrupted.
"I'll get this." Dai said calmly, placing his hand on the cloth Gin was holding. His arm cut the space between the silver-haired and Shiho. "I'll do it."
"Ooh!" Vermouth chuckled as Kianti started some mutters in the back.
Gin brushed his hand off him, extending the gun again Shiho's way. He went on talking to Dai with his eyes fixed on Shiho dismissively. "You don't get yourself involved, or you're off the mission…"
"She's not good. I've seen it before. So let's be reasonable and-"
"This is your second and last warning."
"Stay out of it," Shiho emphasized with a hand gesture at Dai.
Theoretically and after all she'd learned, she believed she would be able to kill if cornered. But to kill an innocent man with premeditation, in one tiny room so close and personal, was out of the question for her. The fact that Gin was doing it to prove his superiority over her made it all the worse. Shiho walked a few steps away from him and his gun then back.
"You know what, fuck this! You know I'm not good at this job! You know it, you know it…" She pointed at the other members around. "Every single person in here would do the job better than me. I'm not part of this team, I have my lab and research. Why is it so special in this that you want me to do it this time?"
Gin sighed, betraying a hint of a groan at the back of his throat. "Stop pretending to be innocent. You've seen bad shit before, it won't be any different this time." He calmly said, still holding the cloth her way, eyes dead and undeviating from hers. "Take it, Sherry."
When she took too long, Gin shoved it into her belly. "Take_it."
Shiho felt the little plow hit her stomach. She stared at Gin a while longer before taking the gun. But she knew that this was far from the end of this.
"Everyone go prepare. Tonight at nine it is."
Everyone went their separate way with Gin's last words. Only Vermouth took a moment to wish Sherry good luck before riding away on her motorcycle, though her tone conveyed she only meant it in reverse. Shiho watched as Gin lit a cigarette and stepped into his car's passenger seat.
"Gin wait." She called fast, fearing him leaving before they got to talk more.
Gin took a moment from his smoke and reopened the car door he was halfway to closing.
"Can I talk to you, alone?"
The member sighed, eyeing Vodka on the side. His long-time companion didn't need to hear a word to know he was meant to leave. He hopped out of the car leaving space for Shiho to take over the driver's seat. She waited till both doors closed before she spoke.
"We're alone now. You can cut the bullshit. You're well aware that you're risking a delicate mission for your own selfish Juvenile reasons."
"What selfish reasons?"
"You do know well what I'm talking about."
"I don't, actually. As far as I know, I didn't pick someone out from the street to do it. You were well trained to handle a gun and you've been around this since you were born."
"That doesn't make me the number one choice, but you make me be because you're trying to get back at me for the last time when you didn't get what you wanted. You know that I wouldn't want to do this but you're imposing it on me for spite."
Gin laughed shortly. "This is what your mind led you to believe? Get back at you for what exactly? There's nothing I wanted from you that I didn't get, Shiho."
Shiho sunk into her seat, crossing her arms defensively. His words, despite her wanting to convince herself they weren't true held much truth in them. The fact that she couldn't deny them cut her sharp and deep.
"Your university professor, Haruki. He's going to be there. You were good friends in America, weren't you? He helped you with your thesis, and he'll help you again tonight when he gets to be your introduction to the target. He likes his politics and will definitely be talking to him tonight."
Shiho breaths shallowed as she came to realize this had more thought into it than she'd expected.
"Why not Vermouth disguise as me?"
"You're scientists, she wouldn't handle chemistry talks that a chemistry enthusiast as himself is bound to talk of."
Shiho fell silent. Looking ahead, she found nothing to say to talk him out of this.
"Vodka." He suddenly called. Shiho saw the man walk back to them from the wall across.
"Not everything revolves around you, Sherry." Gin said finally, tone softened strangely. "And I'm not trying to get back at you for the last time, there was nothing for me to take back then. I was drunk and angry. Now go join your boyfriend."
Hearing the words, she turned her head to look at Gin. Rarely did she get to see his face looking soft, but he did then. Maybe that was as close of an apology as he could manage, she respected it from him nonetheless. She found him looking over her shoulder. She turned her head around and saw Dai standing by the warehouse door outside, watching them attentively from the side.
A huge body blocked her view as Vodka appeared behind the car door and swung it open.
"He's not my boyfriend." She muttered, before leaving space for Vodka.
The car flew away as soon as Vodka worked the engine. Shiho walked her way towards the outside of the warehouse. She still had Dai in sight as she walked. She was thankful he was with her for the mission. Having Gin threaten to take him off of it made her rush to protect his position. She was thankful that he waited for her too, so she could get to talk with him a bit. However, she was surprised to see him disappear as soon as the black Porsche sound moved further away.
Shiho rushed her steps to get to the place he stood. By the time she had a view of the outside, his car wasn't there anymore. The redhead frowned. He surely was not acting like himself. She turned to see her driver waiting for her by the river. She walked there and got into her car, head too heavy with thoughts.
(~)
Founding himself cornered, Shuichi found no way to go but up the set of stairs. He ran his way with all of the strength and speed he had. The air burned as it entered his lungs before leaving them with quick pants. He could hear the sound of feet on the metal steps following him. He didn't get the luxury to look behind him when he heard them so close —as though not looking would make him invisible. For how close they sounded, he wondered if they didn't intend to kill him when they were right behind and probably had aim at him.
Nonetheless, he pushed himself to the limit, reaching the top, looking around with terror. Something in the back of his mind kept asking him where are you going there for? Nothing will shield you once you reach the top. But he had only one option, even if it were illogical, he had to run to the furthest point he could.
Shuichi halted his steps once he reached the edge. Finding himself several floors up, it was only a matter of a few seconds before he felt a gun press on his back.
"Turn around."
Shuichi swallowed thickly and did as told. As many as ten men in black filled the place, led by none other than Gin who pressed his gun to Shuichi's heart.
"Traitors...should be punished accordingly...right?"
Green eyes looked around helplessly. So this was the end of it all, simple as that, he thought, feeling something unexplained mix in with the terror. A loud gunshot pierced through his heart, putting the nightmare to an end.
Shuichi shot up on the couch, still panting as fast as he was in his dream. His heart still beat so fast, and despite him waking up, he still felt the gunshot spot ache slightly. He held his shirt where his heart lay, hand shaky. He found it wet from sweat.
Waking up hadn't taken away the bitter taste and terror in the slightest. Shuichi had to remain in that position, motionless. Every time he blinked he could only see the body of Scotch, cold and dead on that same rooftop. Only when his stomach churned he got up to find his way to the bathroom.
Shuichu sat near the toilet exhausted. The image of scotch came to his mind again. For how much he was dark and shielded, that man had always managed to crack a smile out of him, whether an honest one or one of desperation that made him equally pleased. But he watched him lose his life, by his own gun! He hated this organization, he hated it to the guts and was convinced he was unable to spend another hour working for their benefit. They were the cause! Scotch would've been here, but he killed him! Even if he didn't pull the trigger, it was on him that he left his gun for Scotch to do it when he knew he had planned to shoot himself. He again felt completely responsible.
Shuichi yelled at the top of his lungs, full of desperation. He got up to his feet, kicking the bin near him to the wall across. He walked to the bathroom counter with dark eyes, throwing everything that was on it to the side before punching the mirror into shadders. Filled with rage and regret, he stormed out to the living room, kicking everything that was on his way. Yet all of the suffering inside his chest still felt heavy and bottled. So much anger and grief that he couldn't let out with these simple acts.
He stood in the middle, looking at the mess he made. He wished he could cry, get even one tear, just let some of his pain out. At this moment, it felt unbearable. But he was destined to be punished by having to carry it all inside of him and he was convinced he deserved it too.
Since he embarked on this mission, he knew he was bound to reach a limit point sometime. It's been lasting for so long, consuming him, carving scars on his soul that he knew would never fade. He remained patient for the longest time for his dad, he thought that a lead his way would be worthy of every pain, and every scar. Or at least if he could break them and make their hurting stop.
But maybe now that he looks back, he has reached his limit point. Maybe he made a mistake and none of this was worth it. What did he gain from this anyway? He was called to witness and assist in one atrocity after the other. All the way until he found the blood of the only person he could've called a friend scattered all over himself. Shuichi has been unable to feel clean since. He took a new habit of showering many times a day, yet the blood of his friend seemed to never fade away.
It was so hard to fake taking responsibility for Scotch's death too that it made him sick. He's been paranoid ever since, seeing how the syndicate realized Scotch was undercover with him leaving no trail. They had rats in the police who told them, and for all he knows, they must have some in the FBI, and that fate could've been his as well.
So was it all worth it? Shuichi shook his head, still feeling like he wanted to cry but he still could not. His stuff laid shattered under his feet. What is worth the lives he had on his hand? What is worth hurting people, and causing good people's deaths?
Shuichi walked up to his lighter and grabbed a cigarette before he lost his mind. He went back to the couch which lacked a cushion now. He hasn't been able to sleep since the Scotch's incident. Only earlier when he'd collapsed on the sofa, exhausted after a long shower. He slept for what felt like fifteen minutes but was two hours. And he woke up with that nightmare he was almost sad to have woken up from. His reality felt so horrible that even his nightmare was better. Shuichi almost laughed at the thought as he watched the smoke fade away from his cigarette.
He didn't even get the time to think about Shiho through all of this time, but fuck, Rum has called a meeting earlier and Shiho was part of it! Green eyes opened suddenly. That nap will cause him to be late for it! Not that Shuichi really cared to go, but only because Shiho was part of it, he pushed his body against its will to.
When Gin called for Shiho to be the executor, Shuichi felt an intense need to protect her from ever having to pull a trigger. But to take that upon himself and do it instead, he found himself completely frozen. His heart thumped, preventing him from saying a word. He wasn't sure he could when Scotch's blood felt on his body still, even as he stood in that warehouse with them after so many showers that he could not count.
It was the first time he had experienced anything like this. Being incapacitated, having your body go against your will and preventing you from moving, from saying something... It felt frightening to the agent. It was at that moment that he realized his mind was fucked up. He's never acknowledged or admitted to having PTSD, but there was no denying it when he found himself stuck motionless.
It took him immense strength, to eventually take it from Gin. After a long while of battling with himself, Shuichi had to force his body against its own will and make it stop. By the time he laid his hand on the gun, his heart was thumping so hard it was a wonder he kept his hand steady. But for Shiho, he was willing to. It was out of the question for him to let her feel that pain when he knew exactly what it signified.
He even stood there to guard her against Gin and protect her afterward. He wouldn't have left her alone. Other than that he left, feeling his chest tight. Because he knew that if he stayed, he would offer her to take the kill, and he would sincerely mean it, but it would kill him.
Back at home, he couldn't stop thinking about the mission. He couldn't accept for Shiho to pull the trigger as much as he wouldn't accept it for himself. And maybe, he loved her a bit more than himself, when he decided to call her after one drink.
It took three beeps before she picked up...
"I can do it," Shuichi said as soon as she picked up, eyes closed. So fast as though he was scared if he didn't say them now he won't anymore. Had Shiho seen him, she would've known how big of a sacrifice these words meant for him. "Gin will never know."
Then maybe his voice sold him when Shiho detected it. She sighed heavily. "I know that you don't like this either, so I appreciate that you'd go out of your way to offer me help. But it is my problem."
"What are you gonna do?"
"I don't know. I will think about that."
"There's nothing." Shuichi felt a lump form in his throat. He's been there before, and he got to learn that when shit hits the fan there was nothing to do but execute. The images of Scotch kept flooding his memory as though his brain was doing it in spite.
Shiho sighed long. "Probably."
Shuichi opened his eyes, now looking glimmery and clear. "Or maybe there is," He whispered.
"You got an idea?"
"I..." He swallowed hard. He was in so much pain, and unlike usual, Shiho could hear it even from a voice call. He seemed to have had all of his walls crumble, surrendering to exhaustion. "Leaving," Shuichi said quietly, almost unsure he wanted to be heard.
"Leaving?" Shiho repeated surer.
"You said it before, that I should take Akemi and go to another place. We can all go. I know where to..."
Shiho betrayed a chuckle. "You'd just started your job back then, and Akemi won't matter to them. I'm afraid that it's too late for you now. As for me, it's absolutely out of the question. They will find me and bring me no matter where I go. I know so much for my own good. And you do too."
Shuichi gripped his phone, breathing heavied Shiho could hear. She was right, and he wouldn't have wanted to push it unless he wanted to admit what he was.
"Are you okay?"
"You shouldn't do it." He shook his head. "You will regret it."
"I'll have that to worry about later."
"You don't understand."
"I understand well."
"I will be there on the outside, I will come in somehow and-" Shuichi spoke almost robotically, forcing the words out, despite meaning them.
"No! No Dai san." Shiho interrupted him. Her eyebrows turned inward. When no one helped her, he not only did help, but he sacrificed doing what he didn't want just to prevent her from the pain. Shiho appreciated him deeply. She still didn't want to let him hurt for this. And least of all she still didn't want Gin to witness Dai battling her battle for her when he made it clear he didn't want him to. The last she needed was Dai not just getting excluded from the mission, but from the syndicate and into the afterlife. "I never really understood why you do this. I warned you since the first day, that it will be a route of suffering for you. But you insisted, and here you are. And You didn't answer me when I asked if you're okay."
Shuichi remained silent. Just offering to take the kill, and thinking of the plan to do it sent him that same feeling of incapacitation he'd felt before. It was the worst he could feel, for a man of control. It felt frightening!
"No I'm not." He muttered lastly, before ending the call with shaking hands and a thumping heart.
Shiho shook her head, perplexed. She had merely a few hours left to prepare for the mission. She had so much on her mind, and so much thinking and preparing to do. Yet without wasting a second thinking, she shot up from her place as soon as she heard his words and left her apartment with the aim of heading to Dai's to check on him. She knew he had so much strength to withhold a lot, and that he always had the tendency to keep what bothered him from her. For him to be so crumbled as he sounded now, it was critical and more important for her to address than anything else on her day.
Hey there! I've had the intention to finish this story for the longest time, but unfortunately, I lost all of my old progress working on it and got lazy AND frustrated to build it back up. Still, this piece has a special place in my heart, so this is as clear as I can remember what I've written back then. Tell me your thoughts! Also I wonder if it still has its same old audience? If so say hi, would be really nice to know you're here!
The next chapter would be the actual mission (although whether they would go to it or not will depend on what happens at Dai's apartment before it's time for it). Chapter wouldn't take long hopefully! I'm very excited to write it and I think it would be very exciting as a read as well, so look forward to it!