His eyes closed at some point, but Remus didn't notice until sometime later. He forced his eyes open again, saw Sirius still hunched over his schematics, and let them drift shut again. Sleep washed over him slowly, ebbing and flowing like the tide, like the moon, pulling Remus along to dip in and out of dreams. Because they must have been dreams, that soft brush of rough fingertips on his cheek, the warm sensation of lips on his forehead.
"Moony."
Remus jerked awake to the sight of Sirius' face, whole but haggard and hovering much too close. His eyes looked soft in the firelight, the angles of his lips fond, almost-
No; Remus was still a little dreamy, that's all.
He pushed himself up on his elbows, then sat upright, rubbing his eyes.
"Had a nice nap there, Moons?" Sirius' voice was tinted with laughter but maybe also a hint of-?
"Fuck!" Remus scrambled for his wand and cast a tempus. "Fuck! I'm supposed to be on rounds in ten minutes!"
"Rounds? At midnight?" Sirius paused his hasty collection of his notes to furrow his brows at Remus.
"We've got professors on nighttime rounds after the prefects finish theirs, thanks to your second break-in."
"Oh, sorry 'bout that," Sirius said, handing Remus the papers.
"Thanks. See you!" Remus called as he stuffed them in his pocket and apparated away.
He landed right outside the shrieking shack and ran pell-mell through the house, then the tunnel, then the grounds. By the time he reached the castle he was only fifteen minutes late for rounds and inordinately grateful for the extra speed he could pull from the wolf this close to the moon.
Through the Entrance Hall and up the stairs he sprinted, jumping off a set of moving steps just in time to avoid being waylaid onto a sixth-story landing, and… he skidded to a halt upon rounding the corner to the corridor outside his quarters, where none other than Minerva McGonagall waited for him with a heavy air of displeasure.
"Evening, Minerva," Remus said, testing out the waters.
"You're late."
"Would you believe me if I said I got delayed breaking up an enormous and dangerous fistfight between several seventh-years on the fifth floor?"
"Not when you ask me like that," Minerva sniffed.
Remus affected a jovial sigh. "Apologies. I was checking up on Padfoot- that dog I mentioned. Lost track of time."
If she was still monitoring her now-defunct surveillance charms, she would know Remus had been in the shack lately. Remus supposed if he was going to bugger up, it at least helped for the bugger-up to lend him an alibi.
Minerva's eyes trailed suspiciously up and down Remus' body as if searching for clues of further transgression. "See that it doesn't happen again, Remus, or I might have to keep a closer watch on you to make sure you stick to your schedule."
The wolf inside his chest snarled at her veiled insinuation, but Remus clenched his jaw and said nothing.
Getting no pushback from Remus, Minerva swept past him and down the hallway, jabbing her wand tightly at the occasional tapestry-covered alcove they passed. Remus bit back a yawn and followed her, pining for his bed and failing to hide his resentment at a task that he alone knew to be futile.
Catching a pair of fifth years out of bed and in flagrante did nothing to improve Minerva's mood, which made Remus all the more surprised at Minerva's gentle, "get some sleep Remus," when they finally parted ways at two AM.
...
Friday morning rolled around much too soon and Remus wasted more time than he'd have liked to admit talking himself up and out of bed. The quick and disconcertingly lovely nap he'd gotten last night in the cave was not nearly enough to make up for a solid week of late nights, a recent midnight round of patrolling the castle, and the feverish restlessness of the wolf approaching the Full.
He dragged himself in a daze to the Great Hall for breakfast, but mostly tea, but actually, on second thought, coffee, because he needed all the caffeine he could get. His classes were so long, his students so loud, and his heart nowhere near in it. When the Marauder's Map showed him nothing useful during breaks, Remus' mind now turned to the Room of Requirement. He honestly would have skipped lunch to take a look around if he'd thought he could get away with a mysterious midday disappearance.
A few minutes after his last class of the day, Remus was just finishing up one last cursory check of the Map before heading up to the seventh floor when Poppy let herself into his office. Only then did he remember what his new obsession with the Room of Hidden Things had caused him to forget: the last meeting of Team Potter before they presented their concerns to Madam Bones. As it was, the arrival of Poppy, accompanied by Severus, caught him quite unawares.
He muttered a very hurried and somewhat stress-garbled "mischief managed" and shoved the map under the nearest stack of parchments, which did not take kindly to this and fell over the edge of the desk. Severus, with his usual disdain, pulled up a chair next to the desk, right in front of the splattered pile of papers, and made no move to help Remus clean up the scattered parchments.
By the time Minerva walked in, the papers that had been on the floor were back in a precarious heap on the desk. Remus had never seen his own spellwork so shoddy but he felt as if he hadn't had a decent night's sleep in a millennium, so he really couldn't be arsed to care for neatness. He almost upset the pile of parchments all over again looking for a clean sheet to take minutes on, and felt truly favoured by fortune when he didn't knock anything else over.
Remus had barely touched the seat of his chair again when Severus intoned, "Really, Lupin? No tea for your guests?"
He had to close his eyes and breathe several long moments before he could bring himself to stand up again and make tea, but ultimately he decided it would be best to step away and not have to look at Snivellus and his stupid sneer for a few minutes anyway.
Tea tray in hand, Remus returned to his desk to find Minerva and Poppy chatting amiably and Severus looking suspiciously happy, given the circumstances.
No matter. Remus refused to set himself up for another tirade.
Once they all had their tea, Remus scribbled a title on his minutes and looked up at his fellow professors. "Anyone have any updates before we get set on preparations for this weekend?"
"Amelia Bones is willing to meet with us on Sunday at 11 AM," Minerva shared. "I'm sorry it couldn't be later, Remus, but she was able to book a private meeting room in the Three Broomsticks at that time, and given the sensitive nature of our discussion I thought it was best."
"I agree. Don't worry about me; I'll be there," Remus said.
They spent the next hour copying and organizing documents, writing out observations, planning out the presentation of their concerns, their evidence, and their demands. Laid out with care, their mounting suspicions and meager documentation combined with the observations of four teenagers suddenly looked rock solid and damning.
The severity of their failure to Harry over the last twelve years hovered heavily in the air when they finished.
"Not even Albus can refute this," Poppy said. "Surely?"
The uncertainty that clawed its way into her last word felt infectious.
"He need not bother," Minerva sniffed, "as the question of Harry Potter's guardianship is quite beyond his purview anyway."
Remus did not point out that Minerva had originally suggested otherwise the day he'd first informed her of the issue, nor that she hadn't really responded to Poppy's question. "We still have to tell him, though, don't we?" he sighed.
"Better do it tomorrow, if you'll be indisposed Sunday morning," Poppy agreed.
"Albus is meeting with the board of governors tomorrow morning," said Minerva. "We'll have to do it after lunch."
Remus nodded at Minerva, then Poppy, looking as subtly as possible anywhere at all except at the man on his left. Severus had been suspiciously quiet all afternoon and Remus had no doubt that he was gearing up to once again demand to know the name of Harry's potential new guardian, especially now that their investigation was over and the time to inform Dumbledore was imminent.
Of course, Severus' insult-wrapped reminders weren't necessary; Remus knew he would be hard-pressed to keep any secrets from Dumbledore. He felt an entirely separate and much more pressing stress over the fact that he had also intended to tell Madam Bones the truth about Sirius and enlist her additional help on Sunday.
Remus got himself so caught up in his own thoughts and looming internal deadlines that if Severus made his expected insult-wrapped reminders, they never registered. Remus absently said his goodbyes to the rest of Team Potter and busied himself cleaning up the mugs and other assorted clutter he'd left on the desk. After a good ten minutes of rummaging through stacks of long-ignored essays for the Marauder's Map, Remus gave up and marched down to the kitchens instead. It was about time he accepted he'd never find Peter on the Map anyway.
He shook off his disappointment over the Map as he stepped into the kitchens.
"Tippy!"
The elf came bounding over, ears perky, smiling sweetly, but Remus wasn't fooled.
"Yes, Master Remus?"
"You'll be happy to know your little plan worked."
Tippy's eyes lit up and a small delighted squeak escaped her before she froze, dropped her smile, and said, in her most innocent sounding voice, "Tippy does not know what Master Remus means. Tippy has no little plans; Tippy is just a good kitchen elf."
Remus crossed his arms. "You lulled me into a false sense of security last night so that I forgot to get rid of the candles and flowers!"
Tippy widened her eyes, pouted a wrinkled lower lip, and warbled, "Master Remus has been vanishing the candles and flowers?"
"Don't you pretend like I haven't been banishing them right back here."
Tippy gave him as dignified a sniff as possible for a small creature with a nose the size of a cucumber. "Tippy is not knowing anything about that."
Remus sighed. He had to hand it to her; she was a good actress. "Oh, never mind then. What do you have prepared for tonight?"
The elf looked at him coolly and gave him another dainty sniff. "Is Master Remus just going to vanish all of Tippy's hard work again?"
As tempting as it was, the fanfare had seemed to amuse Sirius, and Remus wasn't inclined to deny him what little sources of happiness he could find. "I promise I won't."
The smile Tippy cracked was so bright it could have illuminated Sirius' entire cave all by itself. She snapped her fingers and a basket appeared on the nearest table.
Remus grabbed the basket with exaggerated air of reluctance. Tippy just smiled wider.
"Thanks, Tippy. Have a good night."
Tippy wished Remus a good something else that turned his entire face red, from the tips of his ears to halfway down his chest. He hurried out of the kitchens with her laughter ringing in his ears and was grateful for the chill of the Scottish winter air when he stepped out of the castle.
In his determination to think about anything other than the compelling images Tippy had planted in his mind, Remus forced his thoughts to much unhappier topics. It turned out that running through his hit list (Petunia, Vernon, Dudley, Umbridge, Peter) was an efficient way to calm himself down from all sorts of different sentiments.
Fortunately or not, this got his mind back onto his major and ever-growing problem, which was that he was very quickly running out of time to find Peter, and if he didn't do it soon he could look forward to all of his hard-worked-for plans crashing down around him and possibly also Azkaban. If Madam Bones didn't believe his truly unbelievable story about Wormtail- not to mention his original source of the information from Prongs- then she'd probably not only arrest Remus for aiding and abetting a mass murderer but also track down Sirius, and then Harry would still be in danger if Peter ever decided it served him better to turn Harry in to the remains of Lord Voldemort than to keep hiding away as a rat. Not to mention the fact that Harry would then have to go live with some unknown other family even if they did manage to win his case for removal from the Dursleys.
And oh, the Willow tunnel sure was cold underground, so small and getting smaller all the time, closing in around him, and he was trapped, trapped like he would be forever once the Ministry found out what he'd done. And it was damp and very very dark, just like Azkaban would be for him, that is if he ever saw the inside of Azkaban; more likely he'd get the Kiss, after all; no point imprisoning a Dark Creature when you can just execute it instead. It was all Remus could do to keep his wand alight and his feet moving one in front of the other, wondering how Prongs would explain the trial to Harry because surely public opinion would be nothing but scaremongering and vitriol and Harry deserved to know the truth but no one else would tell it to him straight. And poor Prongs would probably have to do it twice because surely Sirius would be Kissed too, after they forced his whereabouts out of Remus, and fucking Peter would be the last Marauder left, probably as he'd always planned, and who would protect Harry?
He barely registered arriving at the door to the shack, barely noticed the soft whines coming from a warm mass by his knees. He wanted to disappear into that black fur, though, let it overtake him, consume him before the dementors could. He sank down to his knees on the cold rotting wood, better than the stones of Azkaban, and buried his face in dark softness. But the animal kept moving, kept pushing at him, forcing him back onto his feet; a cold wet pressure against his arm guided him through the building. His hand rose automatically to open a door and then a cold gust of wind tore the breath from his throat and startled him into a desperate gasp.
The frigid air shocked his lungs but he took a deep breath, and then another one. It had snowed that morning, and the almost-full moon reflected brightly off of the white drifts piled around tree trunks and boulders and the side of the shack. Remus looked up and saw the stars between the black outlines of overhanging branches and leaves. He breathed again- had he been struggling to breathe?- and buried his fingers into the warm soft fur of the dog by his side.
Padfoot whined again and nudged Remus' leg, so he started walking again, inhaling, exhaling, repeating. Eventually the dog started nudging at his wand and Remus realized with a start that he hadn't checked at all for Minerva's surveillance charms. He stopped and closed his eyes, willing the incantations for the detection spells to come back to him. Finally, he remembered the last of them, confirmed they were unwatched, and nodded at Padfoot.
In an instant, Sirius had his arms wrapped around Remus, who sank his face gratefully into the side of his neck. They stood like that for a moment, not saying anything, Sirius rubbing slow circles on Remus' back.
"You alright, Moons?" he whispered.
"Yeah."
Sirius rubbed his back for a few minutes longer, letting Remus fully catch his breath, before he spoke again. "You get panic attacks very often?"
Remus reluctantly pulled himself out of Sirius' embrace. "Haven't happened this often since '82 or '83."
Sirius' face clouded over with guilt, and he had to look down at the ground to ask his next question. "Because of me?"
"Honestly, I think they started up again in earnest because of Harry, at first. But Harry's safety is all tied up with yours now, and we're telling Dumbledore and Madam Bones this weekend and I really would've liked to turn in Peter and tell them the full story, because everyone's going to ask who should take Harry in and he deserves to be with you and-"
"Breathe, Moony."
Remus dropped his head back onto Sirius' shoulder. "I'm sorry; I've been checking the Map constantly but ever since we met up I've stopped searching the forest for him; maybe we could've already found him if I'd had my priorities straight-"
"That's bollocks and you know it, Moony," Sirius said, rubbing his back again. "I spend all day as Padfoot wandering around the forest and I've never once gotten wind of him- but then again my senses aren't what they used to be after Azkaban."
Remus groaned. "Oh Merlin, Sirius, we're never gonna find him!"
"But it's not all on you to find him, and we will find him, and if it takes too long and Harry has to stay with a friend over the summer then I'll be ecstatic that he's not going back to Petunia either way, okay? Breathe."
"I'm sorry, you're right, I'm sorry."
Sirius wrapped him in another firm hug. "Stop apologizing, Moons, you've done so much for me and Harry already."
"I'm sorry. It's the moon, it's got me all worked up."
Sirius pulled away to look at Remus. "I've been meaning to ask you about that. Where have you been all year? I waited for you at the shack every Full."
Remus jerked his head up, shocked. "Even when I thought you had- that you were a traitor?"
Sirius shrugged in that too-casual way he used to shrug when he wanted to seem unbothered by something. "I wasn't exactly planning on coming out and talking to you, but I figured Moony wouldn't mind the company."
Tears welled in Remus' eyes and he blinked them down furiously. It was such a quintessentially Sirius thing to do, risky in so many ways but loyal to the end, that Remus couldn't fathom how he had ever believed Sirius capable of betraying his friends. Suddenly he couldn't stand to look at Sirius' face; he grabbed his elbow and started walking them in the direction of the cave.
"There's this new potion called Wolfsbane; Severus has been brewing it for me. It lets me keep my own mind when I transform. I just curl up in my office and take a nap."
"Wow, a tame Moony," Sirius chuckled, "I can't picture it."
"I never would've come teach at a school otherwise," Remus explained.
"Does that mean…" Sirius paused and scratched nervously at the back of his neck. "I mean, would you maybe still want to transform out here, with me? For old time's sake?"
Remus bit his lip. He truly hated being in the shack at all, especially now that he had to be constantly on guard so as not to slip up in front of Minerva. But he had already told Minerva and Poppy that his plan was to transform in the shack with Padfoot anyway, and if this was important to Sirius for some reason, which it seemed to be, then it was important to Remus, too.
"I mean, isn't there a little bit of Moony brain left in there that misses his pack?" Sirius asked, voice a tad more strained than it had been a moment ago.
Remus nodded. "The wolf's instincts linger a bit, but I'm able to ignore them like I can ignore human urges."
"C'mon, it'll be nice," Sirius insisted. "Your wolf brain'll feel better if you spend the moon with me."
"Fine," Remus sighed, "but I'm not leaving the shack. I'm too old to be running around all night if I don't have to."
"Not to mention you won't have nearly the same taste for live rabbit."
Remus shuddered at the thought. "D'you remember that time with the rabbits in sixth year?" He asked.
It took Sirius a minute to place the memory, but then he smiled devilishly. "When Wormy almost refused to come out for the next full because…"
Remus finished the thought when Sirius trailed off. "He swore I kept trying to eat him!"
Sirius froze in place, grabbed Remus' arm, and swung Remus' entire body around to face him. "Remus, that's it!"
"What's it?"
"Moony kept trying to eat Wormtail!" Sirius' eyes were shining and his entire body was practically vibrating with enthusiasm. He looked years younger in his elation, the glistening snow softening the shadows under his eyes and cheekbones. For a moment he looked just like his eighteen year-old self on the eve of particularly high-quality hijinks; it was an expression Remus used to love because when Sirius couldn't bear the tension of waiting for a prank's execution he would relieve it by-
"Moony Moony Moony!" Sirius had gotten hold of both of Remus' arms now, as if he wanted to shake comprehension into him, but his hands were moving steadily upwards. "That's how we'll find him!"
He must have succeeded in transferring some of his excitement, at least, because Remus could feel his heart rate speeding up, his breath catching- had Sirius moved closer to him?
Remus knew he had questions to ask, but suddenly he couldn't find words… his gaze dropped to Sirius' lips without realizing it… He jerked his eyes back up but could have sworn that Sirius, too, had-
"Expelliarmus!"
Time and space suddenly jerked back into existence around him and Remus spun in the direction his and Sirius' wands had just flown. He felt Sirius do the same at his side and realized, all over again, how very very fucked they were. And that was before a figure stepped forward out of the shadows, letting the moon illuminate the greasy hair, hooked nose, and vicious, victorious smile of the very last person Remus wanted to see.
"Well, well, well," said Severus.
"Bugger," Sirius whispered.
"Fuck," Remus agreed.