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Ch. 62- "Kludge"
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It took two carriages to get to Avondale. The first had taken them from Trost to Calaneth, and after the ferry had taken them from Calaneth to Stohess, the second had taken them southeast, passing smaller villages until the homes began rising higher than those of the surrounding homesteads and the dirt roads transitioned into paved streets. Thomasin leaned forward in her seat, staring at the businesses and houses they passed.
"Dok's doing pretty well for himself to be able to afford property in a place like this." Erwin was inclined to agree- cheaper than rent in Stohess, but any house in an area of commerce still would have cost a pretty penny back when Nile and Marie had first married.
"We could live somewhere like this if you wanted."
"I don't think I'd be comfortable living this close to Wall Sina…" Of course. The closer you got to the Interior, the more likely it was to run into people who knew the old order of the Walls, who recognized "exotic" features…
"There are townships closer to Wall Rose. One day, those in Wall Maria will be populated once more, as well." She sighed, sitting back on the bench.
"I don't hedge my bets on 'one days' any more, Erwin…" Of course she didn't; why should she? Despite it being his first time in Avondale, Erwin cared nothing to see where they were going- he'd given the address to the coachman who assured him he knew where it was.
The only thing within the Walls he had any interest in was sitting across from him, fingers tracing over the seams of her gloves. He'd dragged her to several boutiques across Ehrmich in order to get everything she needed and that he'd wanted. Thomasin had ignored the lingering stares easier than he did, but spent nearly the entire time protesting that he was spending too much money. It was money well spent in Erwin's opinion, the enjoyment of seeing her dolled up in a prism of gowns- and coats and scarves and hats, sensible ones for the upcoming winter- was more than worth the cost of admission (a sizable chunk of his savings). They could do the same for baby clothes later, after things had time to settle, when Thomasin could look down at the bump of her stomach without her fists clenching so tight her knuckles popped. The hand wringing would never stop completely, most like, but it was a preferable alternative to teeth finding the soft flesh between thumb and wrist.
The colors were muddled by the darkness of the cabin, but the dress she wore had been a soft, very pale blue under the light of day, a shade much fainter than the sky- maybe the shadows of the clouds- done up with satin ribbons and pearl buttons (Thomasin had never seen a pearl before that day) and a yoke of delicate lace drawn into ruffles. The sleeves came down just past her elbows, the rest of the arm covered by a new pair of cream-colored gloves. It was the kind of thing she should have had when they'd gotten married, if they'd had a wedding, if he'd done things right back when he had time, back when everyone was still alive… Erwin's clothes were downright drab by comparison, barely a step above his uniform (though he was one of the few Scouts who wore starched shirts even on missions, so maybe that wasn't such an insult). His gaze was drawn down once more, to the gloved hands slowly making their way up higher, creeping towards the gap between linen and leather. He leaned over, covering both her hands with his one.
"It's not going to be as bad as you think. I promise."
"Your promises aren't worth slag." She glanced back out the window. "I don't like how late it is. We should have scheduled this for the afternoon."
"Marie felt it was best we come over after their daughters went to sleep. Seriously, Thomasin; would you really feel more at ease having children running around you?"
"You call them children," she muttered under her breath, "I call them 'excuses to leave early'…"
"…hey." He squeezed her hand until she looked back at him. "What are you so afraid of? In this particular instance?" Thomasin held Erwin's gaze for a moment longer before her eyes began wandering around the cabin as her hands twisted under his palm.
"Being in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people, and having no easy way of leaving." She laughed humorlessly. "I always took for granted how easy it was to just leave when I had both legs. That's how I joined the Training Corps; I just… left, in the middle of the night, didn't say shit to anyone. Took some money from Ramos, bought myself a pair of boots, and spent the rest on a wagon going north. I could've walked and would've reached the training camp in a couple of days… And now… it takes so long to go anywhere…"
It only took a few more minutes before the carriage began slowing, eventually rocking to a stop. The wooden frame creaked as the driver hopped down, making his way to the door. Erwin squeezed Thomasin's hand once more.
"Give it five minutes, that's all I ask. If you can't stand being here and want to go home, I'll call the carriage back- I'll run after it. Just… try to listen to Marie." She groaned quietly.
"This is the most awkward thing I've ever done in my life…" As the door swung open, letting the chilled night air wash over them, Erwin stepped out first, offering his arm to his wife. She had to maneuver carefully to ensure her prosthesis didn't slip on the narrow step, and they both breathed a sigh of relief when she was fully on solid ground. Erwin handed the driver a pair of iron coins stamped with Sina's face, paused, and slipped another bearing the visage of Rose, leaning over and whispering to the man.
"Stay parked out here for five more minutes." Biting into the coins to ensure they weren't counterfeit, the driver pocketed them and nodded. Thomasin had heard him, because of course she had, it was late enough for the street to be almost completely deserted, but had stopped paying attention, taking about three hesitant steps towards the whitewashed house before stopping. Erwin wrapped his arm around her waist, gently pushing her forward. "They won't bite. Come on, you know Nile…"
"…didn't he threaten to shoot you once?" He assumed they'd spoken about that on the way to Trost after the coup.
"Oh, like you would never threaten to shoot me if you had a gun on hand."
"I probably wouldn't put my finger on the trigger." He gave her a look even as he reached up, knocking three times.
"Yes, you would." Thomasin had the decency to look abashed.
"Yeah, I would…" They could hear footsteps behind the door, faint but growing louder.
"Coming! Just a second!" Erwin's stomach flopped around inside him painfully. Fifteen years… fifteen years since he'd heard that voice, since he'd loved that voice. The door opened just enough for a deep blue eye to peer out into the darkness before the eye vanished and the door opened all the way. "Erwin Smith… my god, look at you… I don't think I'd recognize you at all…"
He would recognize Marie in a heartbeat. The tolls of age and motherhood in no way diminished the beauty of the bar maid he'd fallen for all those years ago, tempering her beauty into something more… classical. He could easily see Queen Historia growing into a similar woman, petite and slight save for the heavily rounded belly distending the front panel of her dress. Her blonde hair had been braided and pulled back into a bun, as blue eyes, a few shades darker than his own, lingered on his empty sleeve for a moment before shifting to the woman standing beside him. Those eyes widened as her jaw went slack, her mouth falling open just a bit.
"And… you must be--"
"You're beautiful." Both pairs of blue eyes blinked in confusion at those words, spoken in just above a whisper. Thomasin's eyes weren't wide, and though her lips were parted, it was not for a slack jaw. Marie stared a moment longer before a breathless laugh rang out.
"Are you crazy? I'm the plainest woman this side of Wall Rose! Oh, you poor thing, you must be parched; you're speaking nonsense." She stepped back to allow them entrance. "Come in, come in- it's freezing out there." Freezing was an overstatement, but Erwin was relieved to be in warmer air.
"I can't thank you and Nile both enough for-- ow!" He flinched as the blonde woman slapped his arm just as she closed and locked the door, scowling up at him.
"That was for letting me think you were dead for six years!"
"…how was I supposed to know that you thought I was dead…?!"
"Every other member of the 89th died; who wouldn't think you died with them!?"
"Not even a minute and she's starting it up…" Nile walked into the entrance hall, a bottle in one hand and a corkscrew in the other, paying more attention to his current task than the people before him. "You could've at least given them a chance to sit." Marie shook her head.
"No. I had to get that off my chest before I lost my nerve." She inhaled deeply and exhaled loudly. "And now that that's over with, come, sit!" She directed her beaming smile mostly towards Thomasin. "You shouldn't be on your feet. Oh, these gloves are lovely- is that leather?"
"Y…yeah…" Finally succeeding in freeing the cork, Nile held the bottle up, his attention also focused on Thomasin.
"You can drink cider, right? It doesn't make you nauseous?"
"I… I'm not sure."
"It shouldn't. You'll probably be fine." They both seemed to forget that Erwin was there too, and he was left silently trailing in the women's wake as they headed into the sitting room. It was a large space, as big as the entire front room of their house in Trost, and far more heavily furnished.
The low table wasn't as elaborate as the mahogany desk in Nile's office, but the overstuffed armchairs and plush sedan were nicer than any of the chairs he had in Stohess. Erwin would say the chair was more comfortable than the leather couch in his own office, but maybe his perception was colored from having spent so many nights sleeping on the damned thing. No sooner than Thomasin had lowered herself onto the couch did Marie all but drop onto the cushion beside her. Her hands were clasped tightly, and seemed to be trembling slightly- one might have thought it was nerves or fear, but that seemed completely opposed to the beaming smile stretching her lips. Thomasin's eyes continuously darted from the woman in front of her to Erwin and back again, the cycle repeating several times before finally settling on the woman. She opened her mouth, but any words she would've spoken were covered by Marie's.
"I've wanted to meet you for so long, Thomasin." The darker woman stiffened instantly.
"…yeah?"
"Yeah. …when Nile told me Erwin found someone new, for a moment I… I was hurt. I was bitter. I wondered what some other woman could offer him that I didn't… And then I told myself I was being silly, because I was happy. My life turned out the way it was meant to, so I assumed Erwin's did too, and then Nile told me you were a soldier too, and…" She leaned forward, and from where he sat, Erwin could see that it was taking all of Thomasin's will power to not lean away. "Were you really a cadet in the Training Corps with them?"
"Uh huh."
"Same year and everything?"
"Yeah-- well, we joined in the same year, but me and Erwin never spoke until our second year…" Marie inhaled deeply once more, and rounded on Erwin, turning completely in her seat so he could see the full extent of her frown.
"What is wrong with you?! You had this-" she gestured to the woman behind her "-for an entire year before you met me, and you just passed that up!? This is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life, and you just said 'No thanks; I'd rather have the blonde scarecrow with no ass'!?"
"Aw, don't say that." Nile leaned over the back of the couch and kissed the top of his wife's head. "You've got a nice ass."
"Yeah, now. Not back then- why do you think I wore so many petticoats? You're crazy," she added, pointing an accusatory finger at Erwin.
"Yeah, he is." Thomasin's voice was quiet, but they could still hear her easily in the otherwise silent room. "Only a madman would give up someone as lovely as you for someone like me…" The pale woman's face relaxed into a smile even before she turned back around.
"Well, let's just agree for now that he's a silly fool for passing up either of us." She reached out, grabbing Thomasin's hands before she could pull back and holding them tightly in her own. "I so hope we can be friends- it'll be so nice to talk to a military wife my own age!" Erwin had seen the expression frozen on Thomasin's face often- not on her, but on his soldiers, those whose training failed them in the moment as the intrinsic fear of the Titan looming over them took over. The weak little smile that tugged at her lips wasn't out of place, either- it was rare, but he had seen that selfsame quirk of the mouth on those who accepted their grim fate.
"Sure."
~o0o~
Marie had always talked a lot. A lot. That was that had first drawn Erwin's attention to her all those years ago, the fact that she made you take notice by speaking to you whether you wanted to or not, and in all but the rarest occasions, eventually, you did. She did not find small talk banal- the weather was as fine a conversation topic as the bandit abduction that happened a few kilometers west of the nearby village. As a girl, she'd had a way of making a man feel as though he were the most important, most interesting person in the world (a bit of advice Thomasin had given him as well- maybe that was just a trade secret for barmaids), and as a woman, it seemed that trick had matured with her.
"I can't believe you were actually a Scout! You must have the most amazing stories!" The way she leaned towards Thomasin, angling her body to ensure that her posture was that of rapt attention… Erwin recognized the position as the way she used to sit when they spoke when he came to the bar on weekends, and also as the way his section commanders sat when he was going over missions and briefings. Hell, he probably sat like that listening to Thomasin talk, too. Maybe that was why, in spite of her face remaining stolid, he could see the distrust in his wife's eyes, the tension in her shoulders.
"Not really- I only saw two missions… and the Culling… and I was on the run during the coup; I guess that could make me an honorary Scout. They definitely wanted to kill me like I was a Scout…" She lowered her voice to a venomous whisper. "And I can think of two people in this room who would've gladly watched them take me to the gallows…"
"What!?" She startled, staring back at Marie as though she'd forgotten the other woman was there.
"Oh. You don't-- that's fair. Story for another time."
"But… wait…" Marie had been holding a cup of cider, but set it down so both her hands could clench nervously in her lap. "That was barely four months ago. And you're-" she glanced at the other woman's stomach for a few moments "-what? About five months along? So you were running from Interior MPs while you were pregnant? Erwin let you do that?"
"I didn't know she was pregnant until weeks later." The words were on his lips before he even thought of them, an automatic defense. Nile set his cup on the table, leaning his weight on his knees as he fixed his friend with an incredulous stare.
"So you two were bare-backing and the possibility that she might get pregnant didn't occur to you until after it actually happened?" He laughed, disbelief writ on his face. "There's no way- you can't be that stupid." The humor slowly left him, morphing into horror as Erwin lowered his gaze. "…you're actually that stupid… The man who overthrew the Crown, the man who's supposed to lead us against Marley… doesn't know how babies are made." He leaned back in his seat, staring up hopelessly at the ceiling. "We're all gonna die…"
"Okay, there's exaggeration, and then there's just slander. I know how babies are made, Nile; I just wasn't thinking clearly at the time. You might even recall certain events that transpired around six months ago?"
"That's not an excuse." The soft voice that cut through his own was not Thomasin's- it lacked that underlying bitterness, but more than made up for it with the disapproval and disappointment it contained. Marie's eyes weren't cold, but they were hard as she looked at him. "You don't get to 'not think clearly' when it's your spouse or child's life on the line, especially when they didn't sign up to be a part of your shenanigans."
And what of your wife? Is she also prepared to be a widow so quickly after being wed…?
Thomasin knows the man she married…
"If one of your soldiers put all the others in danger, would you tolerate that excuse from them?"
Scared, angry children lashing out--
Soldiers! They don't get that excuse anymore! They stopped being children when they put on the Wings of Freedom…!
"Ah, you poor thing…" Marie wasn't facing him anymore, her attention solely on Thomasin. She had taken the other woman's hand in both of hers, stroking the leather-covered knuckles with her thumb. "I can't imagine how stressful all this has been for you- well, I mean, I can; I almost made the same mistake myself, but… you know what I mean. It's no wonder you're so worried about everything- it's scary, not knowing what kind of madness you'll be caught in the middle of next--"
"I don't care about that." Three pairs of eyes fixated on her, but Thomasin's own eyes were closed. "Bad things always happen, whether Erwin is there to precipitate them or not. Titans, MPs- I can deal with those things, I can deal with outside forces… I can't deal with my own body turning against me…" She opened her eyes, and they were glassy. "You've had two kids- you had to have thought about what would happen if something went wrong. A breech or abruption or if you just caught childbed fever- didn't it terrify you?"
"Well… of course it did, but… no more than the thought of being eaten by a Titan… probably less than that, if I'm being honest--"
"You only say that because you're stupid and don't know any better!" Thomasin's voice rose to something edging on but not quite becoming a scream. "Being eaten by a Titan ends! It's thirty, maybe sixty seconds of agony and pants-shitting terror, but then they bite through you and you die! I've watched women bleed out for hours! I've watched them waste away and burn to death from the inside out over a week! How is that less scary!?" She pulled her hand away from Marie's grip, pressing the heels of her palms against her eyes as she doubled over and breathed hard. Marie looked back and forth between both men in room as if they would have any words to make this right. Nile just shook his head sadly, and Erwin… he closed his eyes, his memories like lead in his skull.
Thirty, maybe sixty seconds for Lisa to bleed out, for Cecile to be crushed and Horace to be devoured and Mike to be drawn and quartered… Thirty, maybe sixty seconds for all those crying, screaming, terrified recruits to reduced to a quivering pulp on the grass, for Moblit to be burned until even the ash was gone… The Titan that grabbed Frey broke his spine, and it took him almost a full day to die.
That was the exception, not the rule.
"What do you want me to do, Thomasin?" he asked quietly. "If something goes wrong, do you want me to turn into the Colossal Titan and eat you? Because that would be faster?"
"Yes." Cerulean eyes snapped open.
"What?"
"Okay, maybe don't turn into the Colossal because that thing's huge and you'd probably kill a bunch of other people--"
"I just offered to murder you, and you're taking offense with the method and not the offer itself!?"
"Obviously. If you grabbed me as the Colossal, you might just end up slowly roasting me to death before I got to your mouth--"
"What is wrong with y--?!" A single loud clap as Marie put her hands together interrupted him.
"I think… that's a good idea."
"What!?" Both men's voices, loud enough on their own, were more than enough to travel up the stairs and Nile, realizing that first, clapped his hands over his mouth belatedly. He lowered them, glowering at his wife.
"Marie, are you insane?! What are you talking about!?" She brushed her husband off, placing her hands on Thomasin's shoulders.
"You're not afraid of things going wrong- you're afraid that, if they do go wrong, you're going die slowly and painfully." The other woman nodded slightly. "So if- and this is not guaranteed to happen, but if it did and something went terribly wrong that there was no hope of recovering from… would it put your mind at ease to know that you could die immediately, no pain, no suffering involved?" Another small nod, and a small tight voice.
"Yes…"
"Well, that's simple enough. Just have Erwin promise to put you out of your misery if there are complications--" He felt the muscles in his thighs bunch up but didn't notice that he'd stood until the blood rushed from his head, leaving him dizzy.
"I would never do such a thing!" Brown eyes blazed with dark flames.
"So you would rather watch me bleed to death than get your pristine hands dirty taking responsibility for your own actions for once?!" Erwin's heart raced, he could feel the sweat beading around his hairline- the room was too small, too hot… Long legs pushed off, carrying him away, through doorways open and closed, until he was once more under darkened sky. He walked a few more steps, dropping into a squat before the vertigo became too much. If he was going to hit the ground, it was better to do so from one meter than two.
…you've never killed a human being, have you, Erwin? Not directly…
Levi's voice echoed in his mind, a simple statement his own emotions twisted into an accusation. "Not directly". Ordering his soldiers to do his dirty work, leaving his own hands… hand… pristine. What difference was there between him and Gerald Aleister? He'd simply stood by as Hange and Levi extracted what he needed to know from a man, nail by nail… The door behind him creaked ever so slightly, shoes tapping lightly against the stone pathway.
"I said I almost didn't recognize you, but really, you haven't changed at all. I'd ask 'how does constantly running away from your problems get a man promoted to commander', but when your problems are Titans, that's probably a good mindset to have…" Erwin opened his eyes and stood, stumbling a bit but catching himself as he turned to face the petite woman behind him.
"What the hell is wrong with you? I brought Thomasin here because I thought you could help her--"
"I am helping her."
"By telling her to kill herself!? She doesn't need outside forces telling her to do that- she needs people telling her not to!" Marie frowned slightly and shook her head.
"I didn't tell her to kill herself. I told her that you could kill her--"
"That's not any better!!"
"Erwin." Her voice was hard once more, firm and strong, the voice of a mother demanding the attention of her children… or the man she viewed as a child. "Do you know what the worst thing for a pregnant woman is?" 'Poison…?' "It's stress. The more stressed a woman is, the more likely she is to get sick and the more likely she is to have complications. Your wife is so stressed right now, it's a miracle she hasn't already lost the baby." Miracle? More like a curse, but he kept his mouth shut as Marie approached him.
"She says it's not because of you, but let's be honest; we both know it is. We both know that's it's because you run off to go play with Titans and orchestrate coups instead of being there for her. You need to be there for her, Erwin. You need to do and say whatever it takes to make her believe that she's going to be alright… even if that means saying you'll kill her." He shook his head helplessly.
"I can't… you can't expect me to--"
"Do you honestly believe I want you to murder your wife!?" She slapped his arm again, harder this time. "Of course not, you idiot! But if that's what it takes to put her mind at ease, then you fucking lie and say you'll do it! You can lie to your soldiers and to the people, but you can't lie to your wife? Does 'the truth' and your pride and sense of morality mean more to you than someone you supposedly love?" All of his actions said "yes", but his lips disagreed.
"No… of course not."
"Then lie! Tell her whatever she needs to hear!" She sighed deeply, one hand grabbing Erwin's forearm while the other alighted atop her stomach. "Listen. I have birthed two children. I know multiple women who have had upwards of ten. The chances of Thomasin having complications is aggressively low."
"How can you be sure?"
"Look at her! She's huge! She's as big as Nile! She's got a good, strong baby bucket; that kid's gonna cartwheel out of there. But she's so tangled up in her own fears that she's never going to believe that. If you can keep her calm, nothing will go wrong." It was the same rhetoric he continuously spouted- don't worry, everything's going to be fine…
"…but what if it does…? What if I say I'll kill her now and then something does go wrong and she expects me to honor my word?" Marie's grip on his sleeve tightened.
"If one of your soldiers had been attacked by a Titan and it was fatal and you knew they were going to die but they were suffering, what would you do then?"
"Let them die." She frowned.
"You'd just let them suffer? You wouldn't--"
"That goes against the Charters of Humanity." Shock and disgust twisted her lips as she released him, letting her arm fall against her side.
"So does overthrowing the monarchy, but that didn't stop you! I feel sorry for the people you command, Erwin…"
"And you would kill someone? You think you're capable of that?" She looked away, past him towards the street.
"…I shot a dog, once. It had been run over by a cart- its' back legs were crushed and rotting and it was in pain. I cried, because it hurt me to take a life, but I'm pretty sure that dog was suffering more than I ever could. I can't guarantee anything because I'm weak- I know I am- but if Nile or Anne or Nina were suffering and I knew nothing could be done to save them… I would do whatever I could to release them from that pain. What kind of person would I be to extend that mercy to a dog on the street but not my own family?"
"A better person than me…" He tilted his head back, gazing up at the stars, the sliver of moon in the sky. "I'm good at ordering people to die, but I'm too much of a coward to do the deed myself. I leave that to my subordinates. …maybe I can order Levi to--"
"No." Both of Marie's hands had moved to her hips as she glared at him. "This isn't Levi's problem; it's yours. This is one commitment you don't get to back out of- I won't let you." A wry grin twisted his lips.
"You weren't this fierce when I broke off our engagement…"
"No…" She looked down, her shoulders slumping just a bit. "Maybe because I was young and naive and couldn't stand up for myself back then… but maybe I just knew, deep in my heart, that I could never be truly happy with a man like you. Honestly, I don't think anyone could actually be happy with someone like you, not once reality set in and the person you really are took over… but that's the great thing about people, Erwin. They can change. For the worse, absolutely… but also for the better. You haven't changed in fifteen years… but I still believe you can. Maybe even for the better."
"You have more confidence in me than I actually deserve."
"Well, you'd better do your best to prove me right, then. Come on, let's go back in- we don't want our better halves thinking we're fooling around behind their backs out here." Erwin scoffed, a dry laugh.
"As far as Thomasin is concerned, if I'm fooling around with anyone, it's Levi…"
Erwin had expected that leaving Thomasin and Nile together alone would result in awkward silence at best and another bleeding cut on the man's neck at worst, but as he and Marie returned to the sitting room, they found their spouses seated together on the sofa, Nile having taken Marie's spot and currently engrossed in pointing out the metal working on the rifle Thomasin was currently looking down the dual barrels of. When she looked up, still holding the gun at the ready (her finger decidedly off the trigger), Erwin could see that her eyes were red and slightly damp still. Marie groaned.
"Ugh. I leave you alone for five minutes and you whip that stupid thing out--"
"It's not stupid! It's a feat of modern engineering!"
"Nobody cares about your silly toys, Nile."
"I think they're interesting," Thomasin said quietly, setting the gun on the table and standing, silencing the bickering couple and drawing their attention to her. "The last time I held a gun like this, I didn't have the time to appreciate it. I hadn't realized they made weapons like this in the Interior. They're fascinating." Nile blinked, a wide smile stretching his lips.
"Aren't they?! You think this baby is nice- I have an antique Hellsman wheel-lock upstairs. I don't keep the ammunition for it in the house, but if you come to my office tomorrow, we can--" By that point, Marie had walked around the sofa and covered her husband's mouth with her palm, concern writ on her face.
"Is everything alright?"
"Everything is fine."
"You're not leaving so soon, are you?"
"We'd hate to overstay our welcome."
"But--"
"And if we don't leave right now, we won't get home until about two in the morning." The blonde woman sucked in a sharp breath through her teeth.
"Right- you both live in Trost now… Oh… oh dear, I'm so sorry we made you come all the way out here."
"It's fine," Thomasin reiterated. "It was…" she sighed, her fingers tracing the seam around her thumb, but slowly, a hint of a smile tugged at her lips. "It was a nice change of pace to talk to someone who didn't immediately brush off my concerns or tell me I'm crazy for thinking the way I do."
"I never said you were crazy," Erwin whispered under his breath. Marie couldn't have heard him, though that did nothing to lessen the nasty look she shot his way.
"Any time you want to talk, you're more than welcome here, Thomasin. Or, considering the travel time, maybe until you move back to Calaneth, we could write each other. It would do you good to talk about your fears instead of bottling them up inside," she said earnestly and Thomasin, surprisingly, nodded ever so slightly.
"It's been a long time since I've written a proper letter… it couldn't hurt to get back into the practice."
~o0o~
A quick glance at his watch as they climbed into the carriage at the northern Calaneth gates revealed that it was a few minutes to midnight.
"Marie was nicer than I was expecting." Given where her attention was focused, it was possible that Thomasin was talking to her hands rather than to Erwin. "It's entirely possible that it was all an act and as soon as the door closed behind us, she started cursing me out, but on the chance it wasn't, she was sweet--"
"If you truly want me to kill you, I'll do it, Thomasin." She did not gasp or startle or react in any way whatsoever aside from continuing to fiddle with her gloves. "Marie impressed upon me that if anything were to happen to you, it would be a consequence of my foolishness, so it's only right that I take responsibility however I must." The only sound was that of the carriage's suspension and horseshoes clattering against the occasional stone in the road.
"…did you do it?" He frowned, thrown by this seeming non-sequitur.
"Do what? Marie? No." That earned him a roll of the eyes if nothing else.
"Turn into a Titan. That's what you went down south for last week, right?" Erwin sighed deeply, leaning heavily against the back of the seat.
"No. I managed to manifest an arm, but that was entirely by accident and I couldn't even control it." Thomasin laced her fingers together- that seemed to be the only way she could still them.
"Then you can't kill anyone."
"I don't see what that has to do with--"
"The only thing Titans are good for is killing, be it humans or other Titans. They don't build homes or till land- they kill and devour and spread disease and destroy. That Yeager boy is a killer, I saw that in his eyes, in his soul. He doesn't need a Titan- he'll choke the life from you with his bare hands." She looked up, and he could just barely see the reflection of the lamp outside the carriage in her eyes. "That's not you. It never has been, and never will be, you. You can't kill people." The accusation that had been missing from Levi's voice was present in hers.
…you've never killed a human being, have you, Erwin? Not directly …
"You think I'm too weak to end a life myself." She sighed. It was silent, but he could see the way her body slumped ever so slightly.
"It's a horrible thing, isn't it, that the notion of being unable- unwilling- to end another person's life could ever be seen as a form of 'weakness'. That life is only something to cherish when it's yours. We really are a race of savage devils, aren't we? I don't think you're 'weak', Erwin; I think you're selfish. You have no problem with people dying en masse, you just don't want to get your hands in the mix because then you would feel guilty… er. I have no doubt that you would order Levi to kill me, just like I have no doubt that you would've kept your mouth shut if the Assembly caught and tortured and executed me. But you would never actually lift the blade yourself--"
"I would. I will." The fierce determination in his voice disgusted him, mixing with that tight ball of doubt in his stomach to make him feel nauseous. Thomasin leaned forward, the lantern reflecting more in her eyes, pitch black in the dark, impossible to see where they were looking but he could feel them piercing through his own eyes, his skull.
"…prove it."
"How?" Erwin asked incredulously. "Do you want me to stab you right now? Choke you? Beat you?"
"No. I already know that you are fully capable of causing suffering. Prove that you're not selfish, or rather, that you can extend that selfishness to me. Until this child is born, you don't leave Wall Rose. You don't go anywhere that I can't reach you. As soon as something happens, you come home and bring your ODM blades with you." He blinked at her.
"…we're supposed to be running our experiments in Wall Maria--"
"Does it look like I give a fuck, Erwin!? You stay in Wall Rose, or you stay out of my life!"
Just go back to that basement in Shiganshina and die there…
He swallowed and his throat remained dry.
"Alright. I'll stay in Wall Rose. I'll have to speak to Premier Zachary and tell him there's been a change of plans, as well as Hange and… the others."
Sacrifice your lives, while I waste time moping over my worthless wife…
"We'll have to go up north, where there aren't any settlements. That still counts as Wall Rose, right?"
"…it is as long as you don't go any further north."
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In spite of his best efforts, Erwin's eyes settled on the chair in the corner of Zachary's office. There was a metal tray between the ornately carved feet now, its gauge unusually thick.
"I'm trying my hand at metalworking," the premier informed him, acutely aware of where he was looking. "They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but I think a person should be open to learning new things up until their dying day."
"A commendable mentality, General."
"But you're not here to pry into my hobbies- unlike a certain alcoholic busybody. I don't really know why you're here. All I know is I see you more in recent months than I did when you first proposed capturing Titans."
"I apologize, sir. With so many things changing these days, I feel it best to ensure I obtain proper permission before making any drastic changes to our plans." The older man leaned his elbow on his desk, staring at Erwin over the rims of his glasses.
"Really. Since when? Because the Erwin Smith I know was the kind of man to beg forgiveness before he sought permission."
"Yes, and that attitude earned the Survey Corps a score of enmity. There are still plenty of people who think that the queen is one of my puppets and that I'm just biding my time to take control of the Crown. Being the Colossal's host isn't helping matters--"
"So you want to pretend to be a good little boy to throw the hounds off your scent, is that it?" Erwin said nothing- he wasn't going to insult either of their intellects by trying to lie. Zachary heaved a loud, heavy sigh, opening a drawer and fishing out a pen. "What is it this time, Erwin?"
"We're going to be conducting the rest of our Titan experiments within Wall Rose's boundaries. I was thinking of using the area thirty kilometers from the caldera for our testing site--"
"Why can't you continue working within Wall Maria?" A good question, but a predictable one that Erwin had come up with an answer for the previous night.
"While it is true that the Executioner took out the majority of Titans south of Trost, our trek down to Shiganshina proved that there were still Abnormals lingering in the region. Not to mention we have no way of knowing if Zeke Yeager left any other surprises for us to deal with. We'll scour the area thoroughly in time, but for the moment, it would be best to not risk losing the Colossal to an easily avoided chance encounter." Zachary stared at him a moment longer, drumming his fingers on his desk.
"…you certainly are a quick wit, Erwin, and a damn good liar. I actually almost bought that. Then again, you aren't wrong, and the best lies have a grain of truth to them." Lifting his hand, he gestured for the other man to hand him the paper he was carrying. His eyes moved back and forth as he quickly read what was written on both pages, sighing yet again as he put pen to paper and signed his name. "We're lucky I'm in charge- if you tried this shit on Pixis, he'd probably have you court martialed and would do everything in his power to strip you of both your position and Titan. His head's so far up his own ass, he thinks his farts are selflessness, and can't stand that other people don't smell the same as him." Erwin nodded gratefully as the Premier handed him the forms back, but frowned as he truly considered the man's words.
"I can see why I'm lucky that's the case, but why are we lucky?" There was no mirth in Zachary's grin.
"Because Dot is delusional enough to believe he can exert control over a man like you, and I personally would not want to be present when you would inevitably teach him that he cannot. There's a reason wise men advise we keep our enemies close; it's a lot harder for someone to stab you in the back when they're laughing to your face."
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A/N- Erwin's got a lot of second-hand blood on his hand(s). And so does Nile- I guarantee that piece of shit just stood by looking the other way as countless innocent people were wrongly executed because that's what a good government lapdog does. AMPAB. Also, no one could control Erwin when he was a nobody- he was unleashing Titans in crowded cities and orchestrating coups from jail cells; what do you think he could do if he had the power of a nuclear bomb to back him up? The only thing that would keep this man from declaring himself the emperor of Paradis is the fact that he just doesn't want to. He has the charisma to easily start a cult even without the power of a nuke backing him up. That's why Marley gave the Colossal to a spineless sheep like Bertholdt; anyone capable of thinking for themselves would use that power for themselves… if they wanted to. Erwin, for better or worse, exemplifies "But I don't want to cure cancer; I want to turn people into dinosaurs!" energy (in this fic, it's specifically "But I don't want to be a dictator; I want to study anthropology!").