AN: The holo Ben watches is inspired by a Sesame Street DVD about incarceration (it can be watched on YouTube).

"Life as a Dyad"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 16

"Well, I can prescribe some anti-nausea pills," said the hologram of Krain Avan, the orange-skinned Zabrak who had been Ben's therapist ever since he first went to prison. "That should help you be more comfortable riding in speeders."

"But why is it happening?" Ben pressed. "I never used to get motion sickness before prison."

Krain's kind eyes gazed into Ben's. "That was before you went twenty years without riding a speeder. Your body needs to get used to it all over again. However, with the help of the anti-nausea pills, it shouldn't take too long to get used to it."

Ben nodded, gripping the edge of the kitchen table in case his hands started shaking. "And what about the panic attacks?"

"Well, I'm afraid those are more difficult, but panic attacks are common for people who have recently been released from prison. After so many years in a regimented environment, it can be tough to adjust to regular life."

And that's without having the Force on top of everything else, he thought, still gripping the table. "Yesterday, at the holocinema, I could feel how everyone was afraid of me. I didn't even last five minutes before I had to leave, dragging my family with me. Oh, Ben said he was fine with us leaving, but I could still sense his disappointment at missing the holofilm, and Gavin's too."

Krain cocked his head. "You sense Ben's disappointment?"

Ben blinked, realizing what had happened. "I . . . AUGH . . . these stupid memory lapses!" He squeezed his head between his hands, his breath fluctuating. "This never happened on Jakku . . . no, wait, I didn't grow up on Jakku, did I?"

The therapist shook his head. "Your wife is the one who grew up on Jakku."

"Right . . . right." Ben sucked in a long breath as he released his head. "I'd like to get a job, but even forgetting about everything else, what if that happened when I was on duty?"

"Well, you've told me that the memory lapses don't happen when you and your wife are together," Krain said calmly. "What if you worked in her garage?"

Ben sighed. "She suggested that too, but I feel funny collecting a paycheck from her since that way I'm not actually adding to the family's income."

"You could still help her business grow," said Krain.

"Maybe," said Ben, "but I'd probably rather work somewhere else." Even though the thought of working anywhere with people who would probably see him as Kylo Ren sent his stomach into turmoil.

"In any case, there's no hurry to get a job right this minute," said Krain. "You can take this one step at a time."

"One step at a time," Ben mumbled. "Even though I'm middle-aged and I've wasted a huge chunk of my life already."

. . .

After the session, Ben went browsing through the shelves, looking at his wife's collection of Jedi texts - both the ancient ones and tomes that she had written herself about her new way of teaching the Force - and holofilms. Rey and Gavin had accumulated a large collection of holofilms in the last two decades, most of which Ben had never seen, but there were a few he remembered from his own childhood.

But then two particular holofilms grabbed his attention.

They stood side-by-side and they both had "HELP ME THROUGH LIFE" written in big colorful letters on the side of the case - clearly they were meant for children. One was titled "HELP ME THROUGH LIFE: Death" and the other was titled "HELP ME THROUGH LIFE: Incarceration."

Incarceration?

Clearly Rey had gotten these holodiscs long ago to help Gavin deal with his biological parents' deaths and his adopted father being in prison.

Incarceration.

Stars, Ben didn't know that any children's holo ever dealt with incarceration. Death, sure, a lot of kids had to deal with death in one form or another, so there would be a demand for a kids' holo that dealt with death. But incarceration?

Ben grabbed the disc.

. . .

Rey came home to find her husband sprawled out on the couch, eyes glued to the holovid - which was playing the credits of that old children's holo about incarceration that she had bought for Gavin years ago.

"Oh," she exclaimed softly. "You found that."

Ben pushed himself to a sitting position, patting the cushion next to him as he turned the holovid off. "It's very well done," he said in a low voice. "I especially liked the segment where the little girl went to visit her mother in prison. It shows kids what to expect when visiting someone in prison."

"Yes," said Rey, feeling a hollowness in her stomach.

"And how it emphasized that it's never the kid's fault when a parent goes to prison," Ben continued, still gazing at the holovid even though it was turned off. "And that whatever the kid is feeling - angry, sad, confused - it's okay to feel that way. I'm glad you found that for Gavin."

Rey gulped. "The first time we watched it, Gavin cried at the part where the little boy was picked on at school for his dad being in prison. He had just started school himself and some of the kids were picking on him."

"But the holo gave good advice there," said Ben, still not looking her in the eye. "Tell adults you trust and remember that you're not alone."

"Yes," said Rey. "Gavin and I told his teacher about what was happening, a lot like in the holo." She gently wrapped her arm around her husband's shoulder, squeezing him close to her, feeling the tension both in his muscle and flowing from the Force. "How did the appointment go?"

"He's prescribing some anti-nausea pills to help me get used to riding speeders again," Ben mumbled before letting out a long sigh. "One thing about that holo - it never flat-out said what any of the parents did to end up in prison."

"I think that was on purpose," said Rey. "So any kid who had a parent in prison could identify with it."

"Yeah, but a parent being in prison for possessing illegal spice is different from a parent being in prison for murdering countless innocents including his own father!" His shoulders further tensed up in her grasp. "I'm guessing that holoseries doesn't have a special about that."

Rey inhaled through her nose, squeezing his shoulder. "Ben, I know you're feeling a lot of guilt. It's understandable, but it's also been a long time. Maybe you should try to let go of the guilt."

With that, Ben leapt to his feet so abruptly that Rey almost fell over. "Let go? Let go when Dad and all the others are still dead? Let go when I tortured you and General Dameron and all those other prisoners?"

Rey swallowed as she stood up, reaching out to caress his shoulder only for him to flinch away. "Well what's the alternative? Wallowing in this for the rest of your life? You have a second chance for a life here!"

"Tell that to the police who are still guarding the apartment every night because of that guy who thought I shouldn't have a second chance for a life!" Ben snapped. "Tell that to all the people at the holocinema who were terrified of Kylo Ren being there! Tell that to the kids who bullied Gavin because his father was in prison." He gestured at the holovid. "You shouldn't have needed a holo about incarceration!"

"You're right, we shouldn't have," said Rey. "But the fact is that you've served your time and whether people like it or not, you can't be arrested for Kylo Ren's actions again. It's time for all of us to move forward!"

"So we have a happy family life while forgetting that I was Kylo Ren?" Ben shouted. "We just ignore that?"

"Of course not!" Rey shouted back. "But you also can't let your life go by while you sink into despair!"

"It's what I fucking deserve!"

With that, D-O came rolling into the living room, craning his neck up in an anxious manner. "A-angry?"

Both Rey and Ben released extended sighs. "No," said Rey. "Just frustrated."