"Jordan? I thought you were all going to the fortress today?" Lois asked as she stepped into the cosy farmhouse kitchen.
Jordan didn't say anything, just watched with heedful eyes as she leaned on the door frame to catch her breath. It was the third time since he had heard her get up. She looked thinner than usual. Her face was gaunt and pale, her forehead covered in a thin sheen of sweat.
Ever since he was a child, he kept quiet and looked around. It was a trick he had learned spending so much time in waiting rooms and sitting alone at lunch in the Cafeteria when he was younger and he noticed things. The slight tilt of the picture frame holding an image of his Grandparent's on their wedding day. The speed of his heart as it hammered against his chest. The way his Mom seemed to be getting worse with every treatment.
It was Saturday, and while Lois had slept in after another round of chemo a few days ago, Jordan was up with the dawn chorus, like usual, with his Dad and brother, and he had noticed the strangeness.
"Jordan," Lois finally said, nodding toward his bouncing knee. A soft, knowing, smile formed in the corners of her mouth as she took a seat on the chair next to him.
"Huh?" Suddenly self-conscious of his nerves on full display, Jordan covered it with his hand. His attempt to hold it steady had little effect. "Sorry. What did you say? Did you want some breakfast? I poured you some coffee." He said in a frantic mumble and pushed a white mug in her direction. "It's cold now."
"I asked-" She began but he pulled the mug back just as she reached for it. "It's fine, Jordan."
He ignored her, lifting it up and focusing on the dark liquid, allowing the familiar heat to escape his eyes until it began to steam.
"What happened to the 'no powers in the house, rule?" She said teasingly.
"My mortal enemy finally left." It had taken him a long time to become comfortable using his powers around the house, so readjusting while Candice was staying with them had been hard.
She softened, accepting the cup with two grateful hands, she brought it up to her lips to take her first, and what was always the best, sip of the day.
"Where are your Dad and Jon?"
"They went to The Fortress. Dad wants to show Jon some of the tech."
"I thought you were all going? Have you got other plans today?" She immediately pressed. "Something I should be worried about?"
Jordan would be the first to admit that turning down a trip to the fortress wasn't like him. "No, I just didn't feel like it today." He said, feeling his stomach twist uncomfortably, guilty eyes quickly turning to the floor.
"You know, your Dad's a terrible liar too." She had always been able to read him like a book.
Jordan shrugged and Lois crossed her arms across her chest. "Jordan," She narrowed her eyes. "You know that you can talk to me about anything."
He ran a hand through his dark hair, still terrified to meet her eyes in case she managed to extract his worries from a single glance. "That's just it, I can't."
Lois let out a deep sigh. "Is this about the cancer? I don't want you or Jon to worry about me or feel like you can't tell me your problems because of it."
Just the mention of the word made him cringe. Ever since they had told Jordan and Jon about Lois' diagnosis, Jordan had felt it hanging over them every time they were together putting a dampener on his mood and reminding him of the worst-case scenario.
"It's not that I'm worried about you. Mom, you're the strongest person I know, and..." Jordan paused, turned his head to the side and listened for his Clark, before quietly adding. "...Dad is Superman. Just don't tell him I said that."
"He already knows, Sweetie." Lois quipped, a smile playing on her lips.
It was that warm smile Jordan remembered from his childhood. The smile that told him his world wasn't going to fall apart. The reassuring smile that got him through the hard times. It made him feel like he could unburden himself so, he did just that. Lois took his hand in her own and while his foot carried on tapping of its own accord, Jordan found the courage to look up, red eyes that had begun to sting with the threat of tears no longer concealed by his curls.
"It just feels like ever since I got my powers we've been growing apart and," Jordan took in a deep breath to compose himself, he didn't understand how his Dad stayed strong all the time. "Since you got your diagnosis, all this training with Dad feels pointless."
"I thought you wanted to help people, like your Dad?"
"Of course I want that," Jordan said solemnly. "But you were always there for me growing up, you were always my best friend when I had nobody else. I'm just- Mom, I'm scared that I wasted the past few years with you and I'm not gonna get it back. Dad always says that he regrets not spending more time with Grandma and I don't wanna go through that."
Jordan gripped his chair's armrest tighter, the wood straining against his palm.
"Jordan, listen to me, I was there for you back then because I am your Mom, and that was the way you needed me then but things change." She squeezed his hand tighter. "And that's okay because I'm so proud of the man you've grown to be. And while you don't need me to take you to meetings or remind you to wash your hair, the man I see every day is still my little boy." She wiped a stray tear from his cheek and brushed his hair out of his face. "All I need from you is to see you smile and do the things that you want to do, that's what will help me get better."
It was all becoming too real for him. He knew he couldn't deal with this, mind beginning to cloud as it always did when he began to get overwhelmed. He should have just gone to the fortress but somehow the words he wanted to say found their way out. "But you'll still be sick, Mom, and I don't want you to die." Jordan recoiled in his chair, the legs scraping against the floor, the left armrest cracking in his grip. His head thumped as he tried to listen to his thoughts over the sound of his deafening heartbeat. She's going to die. As the familiar voice of his doubts crept in, Jordan felt a pressure against his shoulders. It didn't hurt, nothing could hurt him anymore, it was the reason he was a freak, but it felt like something was taking up space in his chest. He jumped to his feet.
"Jordan."
"I can't do this. I thought I could but..."
Following him up, Lois reached out with open palms, turning her head affectionately. "Sweetie, you need to calm down."
Jordan took off out of the room and heard her voice calling after him, but it was muffled like he was underwater.
He had almost made it to the front door before his lips began to tremble.
He couldn't catch his breath.
Closing the gap, he leaned against the wooded door as he desperately fought against his ever-tightening chest. He could feel his lungs shrinking.
Terror set in.
He could hear voices, his fears screamed. There was no beating this battle. Watching his Mom getting sicker had just solidified how true that was.
His ears were ringing now, even his shallow breathing was too loud. He felt himself drowning in the noise as it assaulted his senses. Everything that had gone wrong was his fault, the move to Smallville, not being strong enough to beat Edge, and keeping the X-Kryptonite a secret.
His Mom's death.
Jordan's throat was closing up, the pressure in his shoulders growing, his chest tightening.
He had to sit down.
He couldn't breathe. It was like he had an increasing weight on his chest. Trying to inhale hurt, sending daggers needles into his lungs, but he kept doing it. Over and over, he breathed in and out, faster and faster, it wouldn't help.
"Mom?" Jordan wheezed.
"I'm right here." Her voice was muffled, hands holding his shoulder tightly, it was enough for Jordan to feel his chest unwind itself slightly. He closed his eyes. For a brief moment of respite, he was seven again and his Mom was holding him in her arms. There was nowhere safer.
"Jordan, stay with me. I need you to focus on right now."
"I can't brea-" Jordan coughed, cutting his sentence short as he struggled to find enough air to form the words.
"Yes, you can," Lois reassured him. "Just breathe with me, like always."
Jordan nodded mutely.
"In…" They took in a shared, practised breath.
"Hold."
"Out..."
Jordan exhaled, managing to ground himself for a moment in the sound of her soothing voice and opened his eyes. Lois was knelt beside him like she always was. Like she always would be.
"In..."
"Hold."
"Out..."
It began to get easier.
"Everything is gonna be fine."
Jordan sagged further into Lois' hold until he lay on the ground emotionally exhausted, resting his head on her lap while she sat against the front door, softly running her fingers through his hair as she assured him that everything was going to be okay.
"I'm sorry." Jordan finally said. " I guess everything just got too much."
"Jordan, this cancer might have knocked me on my ass for a little while but I am going to be fine, I promise."
"You didn't sound fine last night."
"You heard that, huh?" Lois sighed. "That's just the chemo. I know how it's scary this all is but we've got hope. Besides, I've still got to see you and your brother graduate, go to college, start families of your own. Nothing is going to stand in my way. Not supervillains or chemo and certainly not cancer."
Jordan chuckled. "You sound like Dad."
She returned his smile and it felt like everything was going to be okay. "Is that right?"
With his breathing returned to normal and his doubts quashed for now, Jordan stood up, offering his arm out to support Lois.
"I love you, Mom."
"I love you too, Sweetie."
She accepted the assistance gratefully, and once she was back on her feet Jordan helped her back into the kitchen.
"Now," Lois began as she sat back down in her chair and picked the coffee mug back up. "Did I hear you say you were making breakfast? You ready to impress me with what your Dad's been teaching you and Jon in those cooking lessons?"