Preface
Run Back to Me
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at /works/48961414.
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Category: M/M Fandom: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Good Omens (TV) Relationship: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens) Character: Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley (Good Omens), Metatron (Good Omens), Muriel (Good Omens), Nina (Good Omens) Additional Tags: Angst with a Happy Ending, Good Omens Season 2 Spoilers, Romance, Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Canon Universe, Not Canon Compliant, because fuck that ending, Alternate Ending, Happy Ending, Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Fix-It, Good Omens (TV) Season 2 Fix-It, Kissing, Making Up, She/Her Pronouns For Muriel (Good Omens), talking about feelings, Emotional Maturity Language: English Stats: Published: 2023-07-29 Completed: 2023-08-27 Words: 8,244 Chapters: 3/3 Run Back to Me
by Caedmon
Summary
The two angels got on the lift and turned around, and Crowley stared at them while the Metatron leaned over to press the button. The doors started to close -
"Wait!" he heard, and his head snapped up.
An alternate ending, beginning when Crowley turns to leave.
Spoilers for the end of Good Omens 2.
Notes
I couldn't live with that ending, so I wrote something to make myself feel better. I figured that if I'm hurting, other people likely are, too, so I decided to share. I truly hope this makes you feel better.
I've seen a meme that says, "sometimes fanfic is a love letter to canon, sometimes it's a polite disagreement, and sometimes it's 95 things canon did wrong nailed to the door." This is option C.
There will be a second chapter where they talk (because y'all know me and healthy communication kink), and I'm not sure when it will go up but probably in the next few days.
Special thanks, as always, to PinkPenguinParade who brainstormed this with me - and helped me get through yesterday when I was in agony. Love you.
We're going to get through this together, fam. 3
Edit - the first version of this, I forgot to change Aziraphale's name from the shortcut I use. I'm sorry for any confusion.
See the end of the work for more notes
Chapter 1
Crowley had no idea what he felt in that moment, he just knew it was Not Good. He'd never felt like this in his life, and he never wanted to again. It was like a jumble of things, all of them very negative and very intense. He was angry, he was hurt, he was bewildered, he was scared out of his mind, and infinite other horrible things.
Currently, he was walking towards the door, ready to walk out on Aziraphale forever, but he stopped and turned around, looking at Aziraphale. Fucking hell, he was still so beautiful, and in that moment, Crowley hated him almost as much as he loved him. Aziraphale had made him feel all the horrible things he was feeling, and he was so angry at him. He wanted to hate him, but he couldn't. He never, ever could. Not properly.
"You idiot. We could have been…" He shook his head. "No. You're still not getting it. I have to make you understand," he said to himself as he crossed the room in a couple of strides, grabbed Aziraphale by the shoulder and spun him around, then grabbed the lapels of his coat and hauled him into a kiss.
It was an incredibly passionate kiss, but it was not sexy at all. It wasn't supposed to be sexy. This kiss was a plea, it was a declaration, and Crowley poured every last ounce of himself into it. He could feel Aziraphale's hands touching him tentatively, and he longed for the angel's arms to go around him. Stay with me, his heart cried. Stay with me, please, God, please stay with me.
When he broke the kiss, he opened his eyes immediately to look at Aziraphale, and he felt sharp dread when he saw that Aziraphale looked stunned and almost dismayed.
"I love you," Crowley said, laying his heart bare more than he ever had in six thousand years. "Do you understand me? I love you. Don't go where I can't follow."
Aziraphale continued to look almost horror-struck, then he said in a voice that was breaking, "I forgive you."
Crowley physically recoiled from the words, and he felt like he'd been stabbed in the chest. Stabbing him in the chest would have hurt less. He took a step back, his eyes fixed on Aziraphale, then another step, and something inside of him broke when Aziraphale didn't break. He was rather sure it was his heart cracking down the middle.
"Don't bother," he said, and turned to leave. He threw open the door to the bookshop - probably for the last time ever, he thought to himself - and he could feel Aziraphale's eyes on him, but he didn't look back. He couldn't. He needed to get the fuck out of there. His heart was screaming in anguish. His heart felt like the pits of hell sounded.
As he was crossing the street, he spotted the Metatron coming towards Aziraphale's shop, and if Crowley had had the power to, he'd have destroyed him right on the spot, right in the middle of Soho. He glared at the Metatron with all the hatred he could muster, and his hatred only grew when he saw the Metatron smile at him smugly.
"Won't you be joining us, then?" the Metatron said in a falsely-sweet voice, smirking.
Crowley had never wanted to kill something in his entire existence, but he wanted to right then. So, so badly.
"You want him? He's yours. You win," he said with as much venom as he could put in his voice.
The Metatron chuckled. "Of course I did."
"Fuck you." Crowley considered spitting at his feet, but he knew that wouldn't be enough, so he didn't bother. He just continued to walk to his car, absolutely seething.
When he got to the Bentley, he yanked open the door, completely determined to get the fuck out of there, to get away from the whole situation - but he couldn't. He paused, his mind spinning. Aziraphale had no idea that the Metatron had played a hand in Gabriel's demotion. Would he believe it if Crowley told him? Would it make a difference? Should he try? No, he decided, it probably wouldn't make a difference. Aziraphale had seemed determined to throw him away and ascend to heaven. But he still couldn't make himself leave. He shut the door of the car and turned to watch, feeling like he was tearing his own heart out by doing so. But he couldn't leave while Aziraphale was still on earth. He couldn't. He couldn't.
His heart was still wailing in agony, and he feared he may discorporate from the pain. He had laid himself bare in front of Aziraphale, he'd asked him to run away together - for the second time - and Aziraphale had rejected him. Also for the second time. He had been stupid to try, but he'd been so full of hope. He wondered as he stood there whether he'd said enough, whether he'd said the right thing… but obviously he hadn't. Aziraphale was leaving. Forever. He was going to heaven to run the show and leaving Crowley behind. Part of him wished he could discorporate, that he could just… cease to be. He felt like he was being destroyed, he might as well be destroyed.
The door to the shop opened and Aziraphale walked out with the Metatron, and Crowley's broken heart sped up. He saw the second Aziraphale spotted him, but Aziraphale averted his eyes quickly and walked towards the lift. Crowley continued to stare at him, to try to communicate telepathically with Aziraphale, to convince him to stay, to choose him. But with every step Aziraphale took towards the lift, his heart broke into smaller and smaller pieces. He didn't think he could stand it, but he had to. There was no way he was going to leave while Aziraphale was still on Earth. This might be the last time he ever saw him - he was not leaving. Not until Aziraphale was really and truly gone.
Aziraphale turned back to look at him, and Crowley locked eyes with him. "Please, angel. Please, please," he begged under his breath.
Aziraphale looked broken, tortured, and Crowley thought for one wild moment that it might be working, then Aziraphale turned with the Metatron and continued to walk towards the lift.
Crowley watched him, refusing to even blink, even though his eyes were burning with unshed tears. "Please, angel. Please."
Aziraphale turned back again, giving him one last last look, and Crowley was so very sure he was going to die. He wanted to. But not until he got the last glimpse he ever would have of the love of his eternal life. This was the most perfect punishment anyone ever could have given him; Falling was a cakewalk compared to this. He would have Fallen a thousand times to be spared this.
The two angels got on the lift and turned around, and Crowley stared at them while the Metatron leaned over to press the button. The doors started to close - and there went Crowley's hope. He closed his eyes, feeling the tears that had been wobbling spill, and he turned his head towards the car. It was over. Aziraphale was leaving him, leaving forever, Aziraphale had chosen heaven -
"Wait!" he heard, and his head snapped up. He saw Aziraphale's arm sticking through the lift doors, and then he pushed them to the side. As soon as Crowley saw his face, he knew something had changed, and his broken heart felt a throb of hope. His whole posture changed as he watched Aziraphale walk across the street with quick steps, his eyes locked on Crowley. There was a small smile on his face, and he was ignoring the Metatron calling for him.
"Angel?" Crowley said in a voice that was choked with hope and disbelief.
Aziraphale's steps sped up and his smile grew, until he was running and beaming at Crowley, and Crowley barely had the span of a heartbeat for a smile to start across his face before Aziraphale slammed into him, full force, knocking him back against the Bentley. It might have knocked the breath out of him, but he didn't know and couldn't care because Aziraphale also had both hands on his face and was kissing him with something like desperation. Crowley only hesitated for a half a second before he threw his arms around Aziraphale and kissed him back with all the love and joy he felt.
They were kissing, properly kissing, and the heart in Crowley's chest that had been broken into a million pieces thirty seconds ago was now singing for joy, praising something or someone, and he was once again certain he was going to die - but this time from elation.
"Get away from him," Crowley heard, breaking through his thoughts, and he had the split second thought to ignore it, then he felt he and Aziraphale pulled apart by some force bigger than him. He looked at Aziraphale quickly to make sure he was still there and not hurt, then turned to see the Metatron drawing closer, looking thunderous. "Whatever you've done to him, I command you to stop."
"Whatever I'm doing to him? I'm not the one manipulating him, you bastard!" Crowley shouted.
"You must have bewitched him somehow, because there is no reason that anyone would choose Earth over heaven," the Metatron snarled.
"I'm not doing anything. Piss off," Crowley said, and then he was soothed to feel Aziraphale's hand slip into his. He curled his fingers around it.
"I will destroy you. I will erase you from the Book of Life," the Metatron warned.
"I would rather you do that than take him away from me. Especially against his will. Unlike you lot, I'm all about people making their own choices."
"Aziraphale is an angel! Not a person!"
"I told you once before. Piss off. He's staying with me."
The Metatron turned to Aziraphale. "He's deceiving you. Whatever he's doing, it's some kind of trick. He is tempting you. Leave him. Come with me."
Aziraphale drew himself up to his full height and his hand tightened around Crowley's. "Over the last six thousand years that we've been on Earth together, Crowley has vexed me, he's annoyed me, he's badgered me. And yes, he's tempted me. But he has never mistreated me, and he's never manipulated me into doing something I didn't want. Heaven has done all of that, and it's clear that he values me more than heaven ever will."
The Metatron's face was purpling with anger. "Do you have any idea what you're doing?"
"I do very well," Aziraphale said simply, and much more calmly than Crowley felt. "I only agreed to go with you on the contingency that I got to bring Crowley. That's not what he wants. He's not going, so I'm not going."
"Yeah, so piss off," Crowley said for the third time, unable to help his smile.
"You'll regret this," the Metatron said, his voice dire. "I'll make absolutely certain that you regret this."
"Nothing happens that God doesn't want. This was part of her Ineffable Plan, and you know it. If you do anything to me, it will be against Her will."
"Yeah, so you can shit and fall back in it," Crowley said gleefully, his hand still in Aziraphale's.
The Metatron glared at them for a moment longer, then spat, "Fine. Have it your way." He turned and marched back towards the lift.
Crowley stood there, holding hands with Aziraphale, and watched him go, until the Metatron got to the lifts and went inside. He gave the two of them one more fulminating, angry stare, and then the doors to the lift closed and he vanished from view. Just a second later, the lift shimmered out of existence and he was gone.
They stood there for a minute, hands joined, and both of them stared at the place the lift had been. But they were together, Crowley thought. Aziraphale had chosen him, and he thought he would burst from all the joy he felt. He turned to look at Aziraphale, to take in his face, this angel he'd thought he'd never see again, and he felt tears prick his eyes again as he looked at his sweet face.
Aziraphale turned to look at him, still holding his hand, and Crowley couldn't help but smile. He just felt so light, so happy, and his heart soared above the clouds when Aziraphale smiled back at him.
"Thank you," Crowley said softly.
"I'm sorry," Aziraphale said, equally softly.
Crowley wanted to tell him he was forgiven, even though it wasn't a demon's place to forgive, but when had Crowley ever followed the rules? Still, they needed to talk and he knew it.
Tenderly, carefully, with his abused heart in his throat, he said, "I think we need to go back inside and have a conversation."
"I think you're right. There's very much to talk about," Aziraphale said. "But Crowley?"
"Yeah, angel?"
"Don't let go until you have to."
Crowley reached up with his spare hand and touched Aziraphale's cheek with his fingertips, marveling that he could touch him, then pressed a sweet, chaste kiss to his lips. Aziraphale's lips were so soft, so delightful, and Crowley thought he'd never known any greater pleasure in his life than kissing Aziraphale.
"I won't. I promise. Let's go," he said, and they started walking back towards the bookshop with their hands held between them.
Chapter 2
Chapter Notes
Note: These two actually talk about their feelings in this, which I realize is not true to canon, but goddammit, they need to talk. So I made them do it. I hope you don't mind.
EDIT: Calandraa made some beautiful art that was the inspiration for Muriel's clothes, but I'm locked out of my image hosting site, so the best I can give you is a link. Please click here to show her some love!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Aziraphale had to release Crowley's hand to open the door, and he missed the contact immediately. He felt simultaneously stronger than he'd ever felt before, and weak as a kitten. He truly couldn't believe what he'd just done - but he knew he'd done the right thing. It wasn't what heaven wanted, but it was the right thing.
He held the door for Crowley, the way he always did, and Crowley gave him a tiny smile as he passed. Aziraphale returned the smile, then stepped in behind him. He closed the door and flipped the sign to 'closed', and turned to Crowley, ready to speak. But Crowley was standing almost in the place he had been in when he'd kissed Aziraphale a few minutes ago, and Aziraphale could also see all the changes to the shop he'd made to host the ball. He marveled silently at all the events of the last twenty-four hours. This time yesterday, he and Crowley had been -
"Oh, hello," came a voice from nearby, startling him out of his thoughts and making him turn his head. He found Muriel there, sitting in the chair by the window. She had a book in her hand and a confused but pleasant expression on her face. "What are you doing back here? I thought you were going back upstairs."
Aziraphale felt a stab of - something at her words, and glanced over at Crowley to see what he was thinking. He still had a tiny smile on his face, but it was somewhat smug.
"Ah, yes," Aziraphale said, turning back to Muriel. "I've decided not to leave Earth after all. So I will be retaining my shop."
She looked a little crestfallen. "Oh. I suppose I'll go, then."
"Actually," Aziraphale said, "I was thinking that if you want to stay here, with me, and work as my assistant, I would be happy to have you. Provided Crowley agrees, of course."
Crowley looked a little perplexed now. "Me? What do I have to do with it?"
"I told you I considered the shop 'ours', dear," Aziraphale said. "You have as much say as I do. The decision is yours."
Crowley huffed just a little. "She can stay." He looked at Muriel. "You can stay. But do you remember how I told you that he and I needed some time, just us?"
"Yes?"
"That time is now."
"Oh, okay. Does that mean you are going to the rips?"
"Ritz," Crowley corrected, not unkindly. "And no, I think we're going to stay here."
"I've got an idea," Aziraphale said. "Muriel, why don't you change your attire so you don't attract as much attention, and perhaps go explore Soho a little. Your new home."
"I can do that," she said, getting to her feet. "What would be more earthly attire?"
"Shall I help?"
"Yes, please do."
Aziraphale performed a little miracle and changed Muriel out of the white bobby's costume into a much more human ensemble of khaki capris, with a light green polo shirt that he thought would look nice on her. He finished the outfit off with a pair of matching flats, and let her hair down.
"Not bad," Crowley said. "Almost trendy, for you."
"I'm not completely hopeless," Aziraphale said in a teasing way, and Crowley smiled at him like he had a smart comment he wanted to make, but he was holding back. Things seemed normal for just a second, and Aziraphale was very relieved. Maybe things really would be okay.
Muriel was looking at her attire with a glowing expression, then she looked up at Aziraphale and Crowley. "I really look like a human now!" she said happily.
"You sure do," Crowley said.
"Indeed you do," Aziraphale agreed. "Here, I've had another idea." He walked over to his desk and pulled a bit of paper off of the notepad he kept there, and wrote a quick note. Then he handed it to Muriel. "Take this note next door, to Maggie. She will go with you and help you when you have questions. She knows about heaven and hell and all that. Just do what she says and follow her lead, and you'll be fine. Then come back here in a couple of hours and we'll get you settled in."
Muriel accepted the note, and Aziraphale pointed her towards the record shop, then she left and the door closed behind her. He performed a little miracle that no one could get in without Muriel, then turned around to look at Crowley, his heart beating double time. Crowley was still standing in the spot he'd been in when Crowley kissed him, and he felt a shiver, remembering that kiss. But they needed to talk, and they needed to do it now. Aziraphale just didn't know where to begin, and he was suddenly very, very nervous.
"I, um, I don't know where you'd like to sit so we can talk," Aziraphale said. "Or would you like to talk right here? I'll do whatever you want."
"The geography doesn't matter," Crowley said. "I just don't want to be away from you."
He melted just a little at the sincerity in Crowley's voice. "I don't want to be away from you, either. And to be honest, I don't want to sit across from you while we have this talk. I don't want to be on opposite sides. I want to be on the same side. From now on."
"Well, let's go to the back room and sit on the sofa there," Crowley suggested. "Would you be willing to do that?"
"Yes, absolutely," Aziraphale said. "Let's go."
He let Crowley lead the way into the back room, and wrung his hands the whole way back there. He was incredibly anxious about what was about to happen in this conversation, but he knew that this talk was necessary. It would be difficult, but it would be the right thing. He just hoped he was ready.
When they got to the back room, Crowley walked over to the little shelf where Aziraphale kept his liquor and poured himself a glass. "Do you want one?" he asked.
"I - I think so, yes," Aziraphale said, sitting gingerly on the couch. Crowley came over a second later, handing Aziraphale a tumbler with a couple of fingers of scotch in it, and Aziraphale was immensely relieved to see that Crowley had taken off his glasses. That was always a good sign.
Crowley sat down beside him, about a foot away, and the distance felt almost insurmountable. Aziraphale took a sip of his scotch and watched Crowley's hand on the tumbler, remembering the way that hand had felt, holding his. He admired the way he threw back the entire glass of scotch, and then put the glass down. Aziraphale decided to do the same and drank all of his scotch in one go, then put his glass down. The glass rattled a tiny bit as he sat it down, because his hands were shaking, but he hoped Crowley didn't notice.
Aziraphale wasn't sure what to say, how to start this talk, and he was trying to find his words when he heard Crowley say softly, "Angel?"
"Yes?"
"I know… I know things are kind of weird right now, and I understand that this is going to be hard. It's going to be so fucking hard. I've never talked about my feelings at all until today. And I'll be honest, I'm fucking terrified of what we're about to do."
"I am, too," Aziraphale admitted.
"Which is why I'd like to hold your hand, if you'll let me."
Aziraphale gave him a tiny, incredulous smile. "You want to hold my hand? After what I did?"
"I do, yeah," Crowley said, then reached over and plucked Aziraphale's hand up, threading their fingers. "Got to hang onto you, don't I? And if I'm touching you, they can't take you away."
"They're not going to take me away," Aziraphale said. "I promise."
"I hope to hell not." He was quiet for a moment, just stroking his thumb across the back of Aziraphale's knuckles, and the touch grounded Aziraphale. Made him feel safe - safer than he had any right to feel. He felt sure that as long as he had Crowley, he would be safe.
"What made you come back?" Crowley asked softly, not looking at him.
Aziraphale kept his eyes trained on their joined hands, and the sight gave him strength. "I couldn't.. I just.., I told you before. I need you. And I thought about an eternity without you, and I couldn't stand it." He hesitated for a moment, then added, "And I couldn't stop thinking about the hurt on your face."
Crowley didn't speak for just a second, then, tentatively, he said, "I was so scared, Aziraphale. I was so fucking scared I'd never see you again. I thought you were leaving me, leaving everything we had built here."
Aziraphale felt his heart crack. "I'm so sorry, darling. I hurt you, and I didn't mean to. I'm so, so very sorry I hurt you."
Crowley huffed a tiny laugh, still not looking at him. "Not the first time."
"What do you mean?"
"Angel, you've been breaking my heart for six thousand years."
Aziraphale blinked. "That long?"
"Pretty much, yeah. Feeling the way I felt and knowing you saw me as… I don't know. I just know that whatever you saw me as, it wasn't what I wanted to be. Not to you."
"Crowley…"
"I'm not supposed to feel that way, I know. And I know I go too fast for you. I probably rushed you today, and I'm sorry for that. But I had to plead my case for you to stay. It was my last chance, I had to take it." He sighed. "Angel, I'll go at any speed you want, but I really fucking need to know that we're at least going in the same direction."
"I'm here, aren't I?"
"Yeah, you're here. But are you here?"
"I…I think so."
"That's not good enough, angel. I can't go back to the way things were. I can't go back to the way I have been for six millennia, living my entire life at arm's length. This… there's no coming back from this. What happened last night and today has changed everything. I will be with you, but I need you to be with me."
"I wanted us to be together, too," Aziraphale said, a little bit of urgency in his voice. He wanted Crowley to understand. "That's why I asked you to come."
"We're going to talk about why I didn't come in just a second. But first you need to know that I couldn't be with you the way I want to in heaven. The way I need to be with you."
"How do you mean?"
"I think you know exactly what I mean. There was absolutely no way - is no way I can go back to heaven."
"But--"
"Angel. You wanted me to be with you, but I wouldn't be me." Aziraphale processed that for a minute, then Crowley added, "What's more, if we were together in heaven, I would have to hold you at arm's length for eternity. It's already been eternity. I can't do it anymore. I can't."
"I don't want you to! I don't want to be separated, either. But I do want to do good."
"Don't you think the earth needs goodness? You've been doing good for six thousand years. You make a difference. But me - I just want to be me. I want to be what I am. And that's part of the reason I said no to you."
"What was the rest of the reason?" Aziraphale asked.
"The rest of the reason... is that you didn't understand that."
Aziraphale felt like he'd had a jolt, but he didn't get to say anything before Crowley continued.
"I know you, angel. I know you. There is nobody, anywhere, in heaven, hell, or Earth, who knows you better than me. And I thought... I thought you knew me back."
"I do!" Aziraphale insisted.
Crowley was calm and controlled when he said, "No, you don't. Otherwise you wouldn't have even asked me to go to Heaven. You think the worst of me, or you think the best of me, but I need you to see me. The being that I am."
"Darling, I do know you. It took me a moment to figure out why you wouldn't come with me, but I got there. And you were right. You were right! Do you want me to do the dance?"
He chuckled a little. "Maybe later. Probably later."
"But now? What about now?"
Crowley squirmed just a little. "Nina and Maggie had a talk with me. They said we needed to talk. They're right. And that's what I want to do. I want to talk about this."
"We are talking."
"We talk all the time, angel -- we talk and talk and talk, but we don't say the important things. And we need to."
Aziraphale said, "I don't know what to say. Six thousand years… I don't know where to start."
Crowley finally looked up at him, into his eyes, and it was like he was staring into Aziraphale's very soul. He tried hard to let him see everything. "Start anywhere. Please."
He held his gaze for as long as he could before he needed to avert his eyes. "I suppose I owe you an explanation. I asked you to come with me because I couldn't imagine life without you. I can't imagine life without you, and I don't want to. I wanted to be with you. And I suppose… I suppose I was tempted by power. By the ability to change things."
"You know that lot will never change though, right? They are always going to be corrupt and… and evil."
"I thought I could make them change."
"Angel, this whole thing started because they threw Gabriel out of heaven and wiped his memories for trying to change things."
Aziraphale blinked. "They did?"
"They did. I saw the file. The archangels - and the Metatron - were trying to start another apocalypse. Another war on earth. Gabriel said no, and he was punished."
"I - I had no idea," Aziraphale said.
"I know you didn't. But they only think they're on the side of goodness, angel. In truth, they just want to win, and they don't care who they hurt to win. I could never join that side. Not ever. The Metatron told you that you could restore my status, right?"
"He did, yes. He said I could bring you with me and restore you to an angel."
"He doesn't have the power to do that, and you certainly wouldn't."
Aziraphale looked at him curiously. "How do you know that?"
"I wasn't exactly a low-ranking angel," Crowley said. "And I remember my time there very well. God has to do that Herself, and I don't think that God wants this. I really don't."
"Doesn't want what?"
"I don't think She wanted what the Metatron was trying to get you to do. If She had, it would have worked."
"You think he meant to separate us? You think that was his goal?"
"I do, yeah. You and I tried to do a half miracle each - making a concerted effort not to draw attention - and our tiny miracle was 25 lazurii. I think they were afraid to leave us together."
"But... surely that wasn't just us, right? Some of that must have come from Gabriel?"
"Maybe. But we don't know, and I don't think they do either. Gabe certainly isn't answering any questions. Hell, there's no telling where he even is. But putting that aside, I think upstairs has realized that you may be trouble if you're not under their thumb. I think they wanted to separate us because they're afraid of us together, and I think they wanted to bring you to heel. So yeah, I think he might try again to take you to heaven with him, so he can control you. And I'll fight like hell to keep you from going."
Aziraphale thought for a moment. "I'm not sure what you want me to be."
"I want you to be you, angel. And you wouldn't have been you in heaven."
"What do you want me to be to you?"
"I want you with me. If we're going to be together, I want us to be together. We're stronger together. And I want you with me in case heaven comes back."
"Crowley?"
"Yeah, angel?"
"What were you about to say, a little while ago? You said 'And I would like to spend'... and then you stopped."
"I was asking you to stay with me. To live your life here, with me. I was… ngk..." he said, and rolled his neck a little. "I was… I was trying to tell you that I want to spend the rest of eternity with you."
Aziraphale gave him a little smile. "I'd like that."
"Oh, thank fuck," Crowley said, and it looked like he relaxed a great deal. Aziraphale smiled when he raised their hands and pressed a kiss to the back of Aziraphale's hand. "I just… thank you, angel."
"You're welcome. But on the subject of us being together…"
"Yeah?"
"I'd like for you to stay here with me. In the bookshop."
Crowley blinked his yellow eyes. "Are you serious?"
"I'm very serious, yes. We'll make you a space. Or if you want your own space, I have a couple of flats that I own on this block. But I'd prefer for you to be here, with me."
"Don't you think it'll be crowded with Muriel here?"
"I don't think Muriel being here is going to be a permanent thing. I'd like to get her established on earth, then perhaps put her in one of the flats I own. But you - I'm afraid for you. I'm afraid heaven or hell are going to try to exact revenge. And I'd like to keep you safe, as best I can." He paused for a moment, then said, "We're stronger together right?"
"Yeah, we are. Can you miracle up a bedroom?"
"I think maybe you should do it, so it's more to your tastes. But I'm very much looking forward to there being some plants around here. And I'm really looking forward to you being here."
"I'll be here," Crowley said. "I'll bring my plants in in just a few minutes."
"Jolly good. Do you feel the air is clear?"
"Not entirely, no. I think we still have some more to talk about, but I also think I've reached my limit of emotional vulnerability today. I don't feel like this is the kind of thing that gets resolved in a single conversation. What happened today was highly traumatic for both of us. And somebody knows we both have millenia of trauma to work through. But… see, the thing is that Bee and Gabriel ran off to be together, just throwing themselves in headlong. And Nina and Maggie have decided to put things on hold until Nina is ready. But I feel like there's a middle ground, and I want to find it for us. So we can work through our bullshit, and still be together."
"I'd like that," Aziraphale said, smiling. "I don't know exactly what it means, but I'm willing to do virtually anything you want."
"Well, let me just ask you directly, then, for my own peace of mind - we are together and we're going to be together?"
"Yes," Aziraphale said, his smile brilliant. "Although, I would like to raise one point."
"What's that?"
"When you kissed me today, that was my very first kiss. Ever. And it was wonderful. I very much want more of them. But I don't - I don't know that I want to jump into human sexuality."
Crowley looked just a touch hurt. "That's fine. I understand."
"I would like for you to kiss me some more, though. Just… maybe we wade into the rest of it."
"I won't go too fast for you. I'll do my best not to."
"I trust you implicitly, darling."
Crowley smiled. "Darling. I like that."
"I like it, too. I liked saying it. I'd like to say it some more."
"You're welcome to call me anything you want, angel." He paused for a moment. "I think our best course of action is to put the bookshop back to rights, then we can miracle me a flat and I'll bring the plants in. And we can get started on this new adventure together."
"I think you're right."
He looked a little sheepish. "And I don't want to rush you, but…"
"But what, darling?"
"Have you ever heard the expression 'sealed with a kiss'?"
Aziraphale smiled. "I have."
"Do you think we could do that?"
Aziraphale leaned over and pressed his lips to Crowley's.
Chapter End Notes
These two have a lot of air to clear, so this may be continued. A lot of it depends on whether or not there is interest.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting and leaving kudos. Writing these two chapters over the weekend made me feel much, much better. I hope it does the same to you.
Chapter 3
Chapter Notes
I'm sorry this is late. I intended to get this posted sooner, but, well, it's been a fucking month. I hope you'll enjoy this. I have at leastone more chapter planned, where they talk some more - and maybe do a little smooching :) Thank you all so much for your love and support!!
Over the next couple of weeks, Crowley, Aziraphale, and Muriel settled into a life together that was both immensely comfortable and immensely uncomfortable for Crowley. He felt safer and more secure in the bookshop than he did anywhere else on earth, save the Bentley, but there was some tension. Things felt different. And it wasn't solely because Muriel was there with them (although that was a little bit of it), it was because he and Aziraphale hadn't entirely cleared the air. They'd gone a long way in that direction on that first day, but then they'd gotten distracted with trying to settle Muriel into an earthly life and just… hadn't had any more in-depth conversations. In fact, neither of them even referenced what had happened that day: they treated it as the elephant in the room. They talked, of course, and it was like old times - with the addition of some gentle touching and a handful of kisses - but the fact that it was just like old times was bothering Crowley. Things had changed, they had had a watershed moment in their relationship, and Crowley didn't necessarily want to go back to old times. He wanted there to be new times, and more than anything, he wanted things to not be uncomfortable between them. Currently, everything felt like extremely scratchy clothes, and he didn't like it one bit. But he had no idea what to do about it. He figured he would just get used to it.
It was a Tuesday afternoon, and Aziraphale was coaching Muriel on living amongst humans. At the moment, he was talking to her about how to make and drink tea, and since Crowley wasn't a tea drinker, typically, he decided to make himself scarce. So he told Aziraphale and Muriel that he was going for a drink, threw on his sunglasses (which he was almost out of the habit of wearing), and left the shop.
He'd intended to go to the Dirty Donkey and have a few whiskys, get some liquid courage while he tried to decide what to do, but when he saw the coffee shop over the road, he started that way, instead, not entirely sure why he was doing it.
"Ah," said Nina when he came in, in what was a cheerful voice for her. "If it isn't Mr. Six Shots of Espresso in a Big Cup, himself. What can I get you today?"
"You can start with that."
Nina snorted. "Not bloody likely. Last time I served you that, you shot lightning at my shop and locked me in for hours."
"Ah, yeah," Crowley said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Sorry about that. But it didn't have anything to do with the espresso."
"I'm not taking any chances," Nina replied. "How about a nice chamomile tea?"
"Pass," Crowley said. "If I wanted tea, I'd just stay at the shop."
"A compromise, then. A latte?"
"Just a black americano."
"Coming right up," she said, and jumped to work making it. Crowley paid her, gave her a tight smile, then went to sit at one of the little tables that populated the shop, slouching in the chair. He sipped his coffee idly and watched people moving around the shop, paying special attention to the couples. He watched the way they talked to each other, the way they were so familiar with each other, and it made him miss Aziraphale. Which was ludicrous, Aziraphale was only across the street, but -
"How's that americano?" Nina said, startling Crowley. He looked up to see that she was standing by the table, smiling down at him.
"Wha? Oh. Yeah, it's good."
Quite uninvited, she sat down in the chair across from him, almost perched there. "I noticed that you've been at Mr. Fell's shop pretty much constantly for the last two weeks."
"Ah, yeah. I've moved in."
She smiled. "So does that mean the conversation went well?"
He shifted a little in his seat, both from the invasiveness of the question and the memory of how things had gone, what he'd almost lost. "Went okay. Must have done. Look where I'm living."
Nina narrowed a look at him. "I'm getting the impression you're not telling me everything."
"Why should I tell you everything?" Crowley challenged.
"I'm not asking you to tell me anything but the results of something I encouraged you to do. That's not an unfair request, I don't think."
He squirmed again, looking around the room a little, then said, "We… had a misunderstanding."
"What kind of misunderstanding?"
"He was offered a job - you know what we are, right?"
She shook her head. "No, I just know you're not human, and I assume it has something to do with heaven and hell."
"Ah, yeah. I'm a demon, and Aziraphale is an angel."
She looked considering. "Yeah, I can see that."
Crowley didn't know how to take that. "Right. But anyway, Aziraphale and I have been stationed here on earth since the beginning, when Eve ate the apple. And…" He hesitated, wondering what he should tell her, if anything. But she had helped so much the last couple times he'd talked to her. What did he have to lose? He decided to tell her everything.
Well, most everything. "We were supposed to be enemies, we were at cross purposes all the time, but we kind of… hell, I don't know how to describe it. We came to be friends, even though Aziraphale wouldn't admit it. We had an Arrangement."
"What kind of arrangement?"
"To stay out of each other's way and lend a hand when needed. We frequently helped each other, and just… Anyway. We became friends, and then, four years ago, there was an... incident, and both of us kind of quit our jobs."
"I can't imagine how an angel or a demon quits their job, but alright. Have you still had the arrangement for the last four years?"
He rolled his head around on his neck. "Eenh, kinda. But we've been free agents, you know? We were able to be on our own side. Ours, together. And then Aziraphale's old boss showed up naked at his shop -"
"That was his old boss?"
"Yeah. He was the supreme archangel of all heaven. And so we got involved in a bunch of bullshit there, and in the aftermath, the Metatron offered Aziraphale the job of supreme archangel."
She raised a brow. "That seems like quite a promotion."
"It would have been, yeah. And I don't know what happened, but he was planning to take the job - if he could take me with him. He asked me to go back to heaven -"
"Back to heaven?" Nina asked.
"Yeah. Demons are fallen angels. I used to be an angel."
"Fascinating," she said.
"Anyway, he asked me to go with him to heaven so we could run it together, heaven, that is, and I turned him down flat. And he almost took the job. He was leaving. But he changed his mind and didn't go."
"Have you talked since then?"
"We had a talk that day, yeah, but we didn't say everything that needs saying. It was… it was emotionally fucking exhausting to talk about it. For both of us. So we got to a place where we had something of an understanding, then we agreed to talk about it another time."
Nina looked shrewd. "And I take it that time hasn't come."
"No. It hasn't. And I'm a little… I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it." He scowled. "And I really don't know why I'm telling you all of this."
"Coffee shops are good places to think," she said. "You're not the first person to tell me their problems."
"Yeah, well," he said.
"So what are you going to do? You need to talk to your Mr Fell, clearly."
"He's not-- I don't think he is my Mr. Fell. I'm not sure. We talked a little that day, but… I'm not handling this well. Also, how do I? Start to talk, that is? How do I try to fix this, this thing?"
She changed her posture just a little. "Okay, before we start, have you considered talking to a professional about this?"
"You're a professional."
"I'm a professional barista. I'm not even bartender levels of professional for this."
"Yeah, but you've already stuck your nose in this situation. Which I suppose is entirely fair, since we tried to make you fall in love with Maggie -"
Her eyes widened. "You did what?"
"Yeah. It's a long story. But the short of it is that Aziraphale lied to heaven about why we had done a miracle and told them that he was trying to make you fall in love with Maggie. So we tried to make that… not a lie."
"Did you mess around with my free will?" she snapped.
Crowley waved his hands a little. "No, no, no. Absolutely not. We just tried to orchestrate romantic situations between the two of you."
She seemed a little soothed by that. "Well, I would appreciate it if you two would kindly knock that the fuck off."
"We won't be doing it again. And I'm sorry we did in the first place. We were… well, it was kind of a desperate situation."
She pursed her lips. "I guess I can understand that. But back to what we were talking about - have you talked to another person that might know more? God knows I don't have a great track record."
"Who the hell would I talk to?" Crowley snapped. "A priest?"
"Not what I was thinking of, no. A therapist. Maybe even couples counseling?"
"Am I supposed to just waltz into some human relationship therapist and say, 'Oh, by the way, I'm… I have feelings for my best friend, and I have for millenia, because we're celestial beings.'"
"Well, no, I suppose not," she allowed. "But there are youtube videos and whatnot. Or articles on the internet. You could research this a bit."
"Pass," Crowley said dismissively. Then he did his best to keep from squirming from the vulnerability of what he was about to ask. "...Can't I just ask you? You talked sense last time."
"You could, but I can't promise to know what to do. If I had all the relationship answers I wouldn't have just gotten out of what I can see now was a pretty fucked-up situation on my own."
Crowley sighed again. "I just want to… I just want to tell him."
"Tell him what?"
He gave her a look. "You know what."
"So tell him," she shrugged.
"Oh, sure, it's that easy. I've had… feelings for him for literally thousands of years, but I never told him, and now I'm supposed to just… blurt it out?"
"You could, yeah," she said. "Look, it's plain to see that he's crazy about you and you're crazy about him. And you can't move forward together until you clear the air. Completely. You have to tell him how you feel."
"He knows how I feel."
"Not all the ways you feel, clearly."
"It... Fuck. It all feels broken. Like we patched it together but it could fall apart again at any minute, and it itches under my skin and I don't know how to fix it."
"Okay. If you could say anything to him, anything at all, what would it be?"
"I don't… I don't know. There's a lot."
"Can you start with one thing? You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to. But start with one thing. Everything starts with one thing. Everything."
"Everything?"
"Yeah, everything," she said, then smiled. "I may be lapsed, but even I know 'Let there be light.'"
Crowley snorted mirthlessly. "I was there for that. Hell, I'm the one that said it, for a bunch of stuff."
She looked stunned. "You're fucking kidding me."
"I'm not. I didn't do the big bang or whatever, that was the Almighty, but… yeah. I was a starmaker. I decorated the heavens. That was my job, as an angel."
Nina just sat there for a moment, wide-eyed, then she shook herself. "Right. Okay. That's a story I want to hear later. But for now - start with just one thing. What would you tell him?"
Crowley thought for a minute. "There are two things that spring immediately to mind. I want to tell him how fucking badly he hurt me, and I want to tell him that I never want to be without him, not ever, for the rest of existence."
"Those are both completely valid things to want to tell him. And you really should tell him both of those things. What's holding you back? Are you afraid of how he's going to take it?"
"Not really. Well, maybe a little. It's just… I don't think you understand. We've known each other for millions of years, we've been friends for the last few thousand years, and we've never talked about our feelings. It's just…"
"So you're both emotionally constipated," she said.
He winced a little. "I mean, if you want to put it that way, I guess."
"Well, the only way I know to get past that is just to talk. Sit him down and tell him what you're feeling. You're millions of years old - surely you must have some communication skills. Use them!"
"You make it sound so easy," he muttered sullenly.
"It's not easy, no. But it's the kind of thing where, once you start, once you get over that hurdle, you'll almost certainly find it easy to do. At least, I always do."
Crowley thought for a moment. "So you think I should just… sit him down and say, 'Look, we need to talk'?"
"Something like that, yeah. It's what I would do. And if I were you, I'd do it as soon as you go back over there. Just tell him everything you're thinking and feeling - and for God's sakes, listen to him when he tells you his thoughts and feelings."
Crowley scrubbed his face with his hands. "Fuck. Yeah. Alright. I can do that. But…" He hesitated for a moment, debating whether it was alright to ask for help. But she was already helping him, he thought. And he needed all the help he could get. So why the fuck not? "Can I ask a favor of you?"
"Of course. What do you need?"
"Will you help me… I don't know. Fucking come up with a script or something? Or just… practice? I don't want to say something the wrong way - or say the complete wrong thing - and he never speak to me again."
She smiled gently. "I don't think you're in any danger of that, but I'll be happy to help you practice. Let me get myself a cup of tea and we'll go over it. Sound good?"
"Yeah," Crowley said, relieved. "I appreciate it. Thanks, Nina."
"No sweat. Just don't zap my shop again, please," she said, with a little twinkle in her eye.
Crowley huffed a laugh. "Promise."
Afterword
End Notes
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