Title: Clinging To Hope
Author: heidlebergchick
Rating: T (Violence, gore, adult themes. This rating may be increased.)
Warnings: Assumption that Central 46 is homophobic and willing to persecute such relationships. These are not my views! If they were, I wouldn't be writing about them.
Spoilers: Basically, everything up to the defeat of Aizen, so be careful. I use Japanese titles and names.
Author Note: It has been 10 years for me since I started this when I was 21. I cannot believe it's been so long. I really want to conclude it the way I envisioned it, and I apologize for the length of time it has taken to get the story to where it is. I've gotten married and I have two young girls under 4, so my day to day life is caring for them, and I'm exhausted when it's time to write. I've slowly noticed that I'm getting more and more time to write, so the good news is, Chapter 7 is in progress at around 3k, and chapter 8 is fully planned out. They should be posted relatively close together. Bear with me, I refuse to abandon this story, just the thought of someone else's grubby paws all over it LOL! I will finish it right, just bear with me. Love you all for your comments, reviews, and PMs.
I've learned a lot about grammar etc in the last ten years, so if I fail to spot an error that doesn't have to do with American spelling, as I use British!) then please point it out. Any inconsistencies, things you didn't understand, scenes I've failed to add, I will make an effort to make this story the best I possibly can.
A final note, don't bother asking me to write storylines featuring sex between characters purely for your benefit and not for the sake of the story. If you want smut, go find some, or write it yourself… Leave me out of it. I got requests for 'special' scenes and I laughed until I cried, so thank you for that. XD
Chapter 1 - The Masks We Wear
Japanese Translations:
Taichou: Captain
Fukutaichou: Vice-captain
Soutaichou: Captain Commander/ Head Captain
Haori: White coat/uniform worn by captains of the 13 squads
Zanpakutō: Soul reapers sword
Gotei 13: 13 Protection squads/ 13 Court Guard Squads
Sakkat: A straw pointy hat that Shunsui wears
Clinging To Hope
~ Day 1 - Early Morning ~
Torture.
Pure. Agonizing. Torture.
Half of Kyouraku Shunsui's face may have been hidden beneath his usual straw sakkat, but that did not stop him from sensing his secret lover's gaze upon him. Lifting his head by a fraction, he chanced returning a glimpse of his own. It was a risky action, seeing as they were both in the middle of attending a captain's meeting. If there was ever a place to be careful, it was here under the watchful eyes of the other captains of the Gotei 13.
Ukitake Jūshirō watched the little smile tugging at the corners of his lover's lips. It was that smile on those lips that Shunsui always used to tease him in all manner of ways. His eyes travelled further along the row of captains opposite him, so as not to make it seem like he was lingering on Shunsui.
Directly opposite him, Jūshirō noted captain Kuchiki of squad six, who stood perfectly still on Shunsui's left. The pristine white of his haori contrasted with the folds of the squad eight captain's pink kimono. His eyes were closed, as he listened intently to the words being spoken by their commanding captain. His hands hung casually by his sides and strands of his impeccably groomed hair framed his face, subtly highlighting his calm, yet regal expression.
Jūshirō's eyes continued, taking in the form of Fon Taichou. She too stood still, taking in the words of captain Yamamoto. Her eyes were fixed on a patch of ground before her feet, but Jūshirō could tell that she was taking in a lot more information than she was letting on, as was customary for the captain of the second squad and president of the Covert Corps.
Jūshirō's eyes softened a fraction as he observed the child-like form of their youngest captain, Toushiro Hitsugaya. Though he was lacking a little in height, the captain of squad ten, was no less formidable and was famous for his icy temper. But as he watched, Jūshirō couldn't help but shed a ghost of a smile as Hitsugaya's finger absentmindedly traced the hilt of his Zanpakutō, Hyourinmaru. A stubborn strand of white hair, much like his own, adorned the thoughtful expression on the smaller captain's face.
Since Hitsugaya was closest to Soutaichou Yamamoto, Jūshirō once again snuck a quick glance at Shunsui. A twinkle told him Shunsui was also having trouble distracting himself. It was torture being this close to his secret lover and being unable to do anything other than observe him quietly.
His hand twitched at his side as he averted his gaze to the floor and remembered the last time Shunsui had touched him or kissed him. When was the last time they had truly been alone together for longer than a half-hour, unrushed, without fear of being caught? The captain of squad thirteen honestly couldn't remember. All he knew was it was time he found another excuse for them to be alone again. He knew Shunsui had to be feeling the same longing feeling as he was right now.
Shunsui silently watched the expression on his lover's face and the twitch of his hand without giving off any indication of having done so. He knew that look; it looked like a serious, yet thoughtful expression like he was deeply pondering something, or so it would seem to any bystander. But to Shunsui, it was a well-placed mask of pain and longing, telling him how much it was hurting his lover that they were apart. It was a look that Shunsui truly despised, but he despised more the feeling of helplessness that accompanied their situation.
Though same-sex couples were not unheard of in the Soul Society, they were also not widely accepted, though this was an unspoken fact. It was practically unheard of for a high ranking member of the Gotei 13 or nobility to indulge in such a relationship, though there were no official laws against it, most likely because the issue had never been raised in the complete history of the Gotei 13. The two captains had mutually agreed to keep their relationship under wraps for fear of any action being taken against them, and because they were unsure how the Soutaichou would receive such information.
That being said, it was no easy task for them. For many years they had progressed beyond the boundaries of friendship and explored a secret relationship. Every day the burden grew heavier, as pieces of their sanity wore away. They needed a solution to his problem before it consumed them both.
The voice of their commander died away and they were finally dismissed. Ukitake duly accepted a farewell nod from Retsu Unohana, the gentle captain of squad four on his right, as she walked past him. The giant frame of squad eleven's captain, Zaraki Kenpachi also shuffled on his left towards the door. Knowing he couldn't linger any longer, Jūshirō followed the procession outside the room and onto the luxurious and traditional veranda that accompanied the barracks of squad one, their feet padding softly on the deck. The crimson pillars upheld the beautifully structured courtyard and played host to neat hanging baskets containing flowers of unmatchable splendour. The beautiful location could not, however, lift his feelings of despair and loneliness.
"Ukitake Taichou."
That voice, his lover's voice, the one he had memorized in all its forms, spoke up behind him. He turned ever so slowly, so as not to appear over eager. The laid back, easy steps, thumped on the polished wooden floor as Shunsui slowly approached him, falling into a calm walk beside him. Emotions and feelings bubbled beneath the surfaces of their calm facades, as they put on a necessary show for the other captains walking before and behind them.
"I have a report to give you. I remember telling Nanao-chan to drop it off yesterday, but it was still on my desk this morning." He offered a grin, which seemed perfectly normal for the jovial captain. "I'll drop it by your office later today, okay?"
Their eyes met. Brown clashed with grey. Jūshirō subdued his need to reach out and kiss those smiling lips and offered a polite, yet charming smile of his own.
"I will see you then, Shunsui; should I have my third seats prepare some lunch for us? It is still early in the day after all." He couldn't help it, but the words very already out before he could stop himself. He hoped the other captains would overlook his concern for Shunsui's welfare as a lover and see it as one captain simply being hospitable to an old friend and fellow captain. He tried, nevertheless, not to outwardly cringe.
Shunsui mildly noted the slip-up and realized just how high the need between them had escalated since the last time they had managed to find time alone. He knew instantly that his oldest friend was setting the scene for a possible rendezvous while making it seem like an innocent lunch. Still, the offer was too tempting to resist. He allowed a cheerful laugh to escape him and flashed another smile in Ukitake's direction.
"That sounds great. If only everyone else in the Seireitei was as understanding as you, Ukitake Taichou." His words hung heavily under the double innuendo though it seemed that only Ukitake seemed to understand the true meaning behind it. The other captains might have taken it as an insult of their hospitality towards guests of their squads, but he was really expressing his longing for them to be free of their predicament. For a split second the look on Jūshirō's face told him his message had hit home and he left it at that.
"See you then, okay?" They had all finally reached the exit of the first division's barracks and the captains all began to disperse in different directions, Shunsui included. Ukitake could only watch as his lover slowly faded away, a patch of pink among the sea of white.
Alone, he whispered quietly to himself. "I will, my love." His white hair hid the lone tear that rolled silently down his cheek.
Byakuya Kuchiki made his way swiftly through the corridors of the sixth squad's barracks towards his office. Lower-ranking soul reapers busied themselves as he passed, some offering quick bows in his direction. Not that he stopped to look. His intention was to slowly contemplate the contents of the meeting he had just attended, as his duty as captain dictated. But mostly, he just wanted to relax and have a few moments to himself.
His step faltered by a fraction as he began to pick up on raised voices coming from his office. So much for that quiet moment, was all he could think, as the voices grew steadily louder. One voice he recognized to be his fukutaichou, Abarai Renji, and the other if he wasn't mistaken, Madarame Ikkaku. But what was the eleventh squad's third seat doing in his office?
He entered his office silently, neither man noticed him. They were too distracted by the verbal sparring match they were engaged in. Renji was facing the window with his back to Byakuya and Ikkaku was leaning up against the desk facing Renji. Ikkaku continued.
"Seriously though, whatever look you were going for, you missed. I mean, don't you need a license to be that ugly?" An unexpected jolt of anger rippled through Byakuya and was reflected in his spiritual pressure, as he heard the words spill forth from the bald man's lips. Renji growled and turned back to Ikkaku, noticing his captain at the door in the process. His eyes widened and he bowed.
"Kuchiki Taichou." Ikkaku turned and froze under the intense gaze of one of the most feared captains of all the 13 squads. He couldn't help but gasp. Byakuya spoke in a deadly calm voice, low but nonetheless frightening.
"You will restrain yourself from uttering such foolish and inaccurate words in these barracks. As a representative of your division and captain, you will show respect for higher ranking officers than yourself and act accordingly, while within these walls. Am I understood?"
He could see the shock written all over the faces of both men. Renji was still somewhat unaccustomed to being shown respect or praise from him, but at that particular moment, Byakuya wasn't worried about it. He was more concerned that Renji had just been insulted by a lower-ranking officer in his own office, in front of his captain. It was so typical of the uncultured barbarians of squad eleven. Madarame hastened to bow before him.
"Yes, Kuchiki Taichou." He remained this way until Byakuya had taken a seat at his desk, with Renji standing silently beside him.
"Good. Now state the nature of your visit."
Madarame faltered, but Renji intervened. He handed his captain a folder that Ikkaku had previously given to him. Byakuya took the plastic folder from Renji gently and thanked him simply by inclining his head briefly in his direction. He flipped through it silently, scanning the first few pages.
"I see. This is last week's patrol log that I requested from Zaraki Taichou. Do you have anything to add to this report?" He closed the folder and rested in on the clean surface of his desk as Ikkaku replied.
"No, Kuchiki Taichou."
"Very well then, you are dismissed." With that, Ikkaku bowed and left the office, most likely delighted to be out of the office and away from the fiery captain.
Back in the office, however, Renji was still a little surprised by what had transpired. Byakuya decided on the spot that now would be the most appropriate time to deal with Renji's low opinion of himself.
"Renji. I will say this only once." The normally cold captain adopted an expression of concern and warmth. His voice rang out gently, once again surprising his fukutaichou. Renji turned and looked at his captain, showing him that his full attention was directed at him and whatever he was about to say. Byakuya nodded in approval.
"Do not be afraid to defend yourself, even against myself. You are a man of worth, strength, and intelligence. Pay no heed to what lesser men think of you. Instead, stand tall and be proud of yourself. What that buffoon said was inaccurate and ridiculous. You are not ugly by any means, nor should you believe that you are. You are my fukutaichou, Renji. Do you think I would allow an incompetent man to fill that role?"
Byakuya opened his eyes after his short monologue and saw a look of astonishment upon Renji's face. He knew it was rare for him to praise a subordinate, but this low self-esteem issue Renji had was becoming apparent to all those who worked with him. His bite was merely a form of defence and rising to any and all bait was below such a high ranking officer. Byakuya believed enough was enough and that his vice-captain should show confidence in himself and his abilities, thus silencing immature remarks about his looks and attitude. He knew Renji was smart and had a lot of potential. He only needed Renji to see it for himself.
Renji couldn't believe that he had been not only praised but defended as well, all at once. True Ikkaku had only been teasing, but even he got tired of it sometimes. He agreed with his captain; he was an excellent judge of character and he wouldn't be standing there if the captain of squad six thought he couldn't do his job, and he said as much.
"No, I do not Kuchiki Taichou. Thank you." He bowed slightly in Byakuya's direction.
His captain was still wearing that warm expression, showing patience and calming the rage Renji had no doubt felt from Ikkaku's words.
"Renji, you can call me by my name when we are alone, you know."
Another bow and Byakuya settled back to work. Silence resounded in the room as Renji contemplated his captain's words and Byakuya read through the report. Zaraki and his squad had been on evening patrol duty all of last week and patrol duties rotated throughout the squads. Squad six was due to take over tonight for the rest of the week. At the end of that time, the captain leading the patrol would make a report of each evening. This included, who was present, eradicating hollows and menos, and sometimes apprehending intruders. Since these patrols took place within the soul society, soul burials were not a part of patrol duty.
The main function of a patrol log was to help captains communicate strange behaviour or increasing numbers of hollows to one another since captains were spread out very widely. There was one captain for every three hundred or so soul reapers. Since their duties were so demanding, talking with other captains didn't happen very often and so report logs had been established to help one captain prepare to take over the next patrol after another captain. Hence the reason Byakuya had requested the reports.
The report itself had been written by Yumichika Ayasegawa, who often ended up in charge of the paperwork for squad eleven. Byakuya always found his work to be impeccable. There had been no strange activity over the last week, which translated as extremely boring for the members of squad eleven. Hollow numbers had been consistent with recent weeks and there had been no intruders. Based on that information, their patrol would most likely follow the same monotonous path. But that was just fine with the captain of the sixth division, an avid lover of peace and tranquillity.
He closed the plastic folder quietly and swept a speck of imaginary dusk off his already immaculate desk. He caught Renji's eye.
"Anything interesting, Byakuya?" The name rolled lightly off his tongue, surprising the red-haired man. Byakuya revelled in the sound of his name being spoken in those rough, deep tones. A ripple of something ran through him, though he didn't let it show on the outside.
"Not particularly. It seems to have been quiet recently." His grey eyes never left his fukutaichou's. Renji grinned.
"Maybe that was why Ikkaku was so uptight. If there's no fighting, squad eleven gets bored very easily." He adopted a thoughtful expression. "They sort of remind me of a group of little kids sometimes." Laughter actually threatened to spill forth from the noble man's lips, though he managed to rein it in and allow an amused smile to grace his subtle lips instead. It was such an accurate description of squad eleven. He simply loved the way Renji could stir all manner of emotions in him. It made him feel so, so alive.
Renji watched his captain's lips curve into a delicate smile at his words and a ripple of triumph surged through him. He couldn't help but think how beautiful Byakuya looked when he smiled, so serene and gentle. New emotions rose in his chest but he couldn't quite put his finger on what they were.
Byakuya's smile faded and he gracefully got to his feet. He glanced at Renji, who was still wearing his trademark grin. His deep, smooth voice permeated the room. He seemed to have returned to 'work mode', yet his gentle expression remained.
"I do not think it is necessary for you to put a team together for our patrol tonight, Renji. Since it had been so quiet, I think it is safe to presume that we could easily handle it for tonight. Your orders are simply to take the rest of the afternoon off and get some rest before the patrol begins tonight, Renji. In the meantime, I would like to take a walk and visit Rukia. Is that acceptable, Renji?"
Renji nodded and Byakuya inclined his head in farewell. He gracefully departed, feeling the red-haired man's eyes follow him as he did so. Suddenly Renji remembered something important. He ran to the desk and rooted out a few files quickly and made hurriedly towards the door. The dignified captain turned his head when he sensed himself being followed. He paused and allowed his fukutaichou to approach him. Renji recovered quickly from his efforts and offered the files to his captain. Byakuya's eyes roamed over their covers questioningly, as Renji spoke up.
"These are the last of the forms associated with the group of low ranking soul reapers that were transferred to squad thirteen, Taichou. I figured it would save you time if you were going to squad thirteen's barracks anyway." Renji couldn't place the expression on his captain's face.
"Indeed. Thank you, Abarai." His eyes betrayed his usual dismissive manner, to convey his gratitude to his fukutaichou now that they had left the office. He once again turned away from Renji and resumed walking unhurriedly down the corridor.
But he found that he could not shake the unfamiliar feeling in his chest, why did Renji affect him this way? Why did he suddenly think Renji's feelings were the most important thing in the world, and that making him feel good about himself was of vital importance? He hoped one day he would find an answer and unravel the mysteries of the man he had come to respect.
Betaed and revised. If you spot any errors, let me know, (British English please!)