Second-to-last chapter!
The next chapter is in a different 'format' than I normally write in, with days stated at the start of each scene, so if you're wondering how we get from the end of this chapter to the end of the book, it's because it's a fairly jump-y chapter. I'm sure you'll enjoy it though; it has some very cute, short scenes between Merder, and then Merder and the kids nearer the end.
A guest correctly pointed out that I appeared to update this book in the middle of last week, but no new chapter was uploaded. I was reuploading Chapter 4 due to what I believed to be an error as the traffic stats showed 0 views, and when I tried to load the page myself as a guest, it refused to load it. Anyway, it still says chapter 4 has 0 views, so I don't know what's going on there but I believe it works now (please tell me if it didn't and I'll work on that ASAP).
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! :)
"So...I came up with three..."
Three ways to die.
Three pathways to death.
Three treatment plans, that in all likelihood wouldn't work.
Three painful ideas.
"Three options." Meredith eventually finished, although she couldn't look either of them in the eye.
She'd taken the last two days off of work, and spent every hour of the day - and quite a few hours of her night - looking at article after study after surgery concepts after drug interaction experiments to try and find something for him.
"Okay." Derek breathed. Meredith looked anxious, and he supposed that was supposed to worry him, but he was already at his maximum for most negative emotions.
Meredith sat down on the end of the bed that Derek had been confided to for the last two days. He'd told her many times that he was fine to get up, but, she wouldn't let him do that. Or anything, for that matter. She had insisted on helping him with most things, or insisting that Carolyn help him if she was busy with the kids, but, honestly, he felt more alert and awake than he had in weeks. He supposed that was one perk of being stuck in bed.
"Option one...you don't have any treatment. You write a list and we do everything we can and spend every second we can together and then...when it gets too bad-" She swallowed as her eyes watered. "I think...I think your idea sounded...good."
"I don't want to get the point where..." He couldn't even say it. As his tumour progressed, many things could happen, and the longer he was alive, the more of those things he'd have to experience. Horrible, horrible things. "Where I might as well be dead."
His mother squeezed his hand. Hard. She hated the idea of physician-assisted suicide. Then again, she hated all of this.
"I know. Me neither. But...we'd make the decision together-" She looked to Carolyn. "We'd all make the decision about when...when you'd want to do it."
He nodded. He was so sure that that was how he wanted to do it, but he didn't even have a slight clue about how you were supposed to decide when you wanted to end your life. "Yeah. Um- how about option two?"
"You get some treatment, but not the standard dosage. You might get another month or two, and you'd only have some mild chemo and radiation side effects."
"So...more time, but your quality of life in that time would be reduced." Carolyn summarized.
"Yeah." Meredith agreed. "But hopefully the side effects wouldn't be that bad, considering that it would be a pretty small dosage. Just enough to stop it proliferating quite as quickly.
Derek nodded. "And...option three?"
"Well...you had the normal option three already. The recommended chemo, radiation and surgery. Never works very well for glioblastomas but...we could hope for a miracle. But, again, quality of life in that time would be...even worse."
"But it might work this time." He said optimistically. He wasn't optimistic at all really. He was just trying to channel the hope he had given her when he first confessed to being sick, seeing as she had clearly lost hers in research.
"But, in all likelihood, it won't." She swallowed. She couldn't look at Carolyn anymore. Not when she was suggesting...this. "Which is why I'm proposing my option three."
Or maybe she hadn't lost her optimism. "Okay..."
"I've read every glioblastoma article in the freaking world...and I might have found something. The treatment shows significant reductions in tumours size. Like...the most significant I've ever seen with a glioblastoma."
"Then why aren't you smiling?" He asked.
"Some things are..." She sighed. "They're just too good to be true."
"So...what's the catch?" Carolyn pushed.
"It's risky."
That answer wasn't overly helpful, so she pushes again, "How risky?"
She gulped before confessing, "It has a zero percent survival rate."
"You want me to do an option with a zero percent survival rate?" Derek asked. Last he checked, Meredith was still in love with him. This sounded like a revenge plan.
"It's only been done on two people so far so...it's not that bad. Not like a hundred people took part and all a hundred died."
"It still sounds pretty bad to me." Carolyn returned.
"Both of their tumours shrank enough to be surgically removed and for them to go into remission."
"So why does it have a zero percent survival rate?"
"They both died of infection. The drugs given are so aggressive...their bodies just couldn't handle it."
"But their tumours were basically gone?" Derek asked. He wasn't quite as outraged by this idea as he knew his mom was.
"The scans were reviewed by six neurosurgeons, all of which said they were sure they could remove it completely with, at most, minor deficit. The patients just didn't survive long enough for surgery. One was literally booked in for three days later, but she got septic and died."
"But...if the drugs are that aggressive..." Carolyn swallowed. "I mean...if we're considering quality of life here-"
Meredith knew what she was asking. "Both patients spent their entire time after receiving their first dose in the hospital, between the neuro wing and ICU every few weeks because they were so unstable. And they slept...seventy-three percent of the time."
He swallowed. She might as well have just said he'd have no quality of life whatsoever, whatsoever. "So...If I did this- I could survive and live the rest of my life...or I could live in the hospital and sleep for three months and then just die?"
She smiled, despite the fact it was far from funny. It was more worry, sleep-,deprivation and grief than anything. "Taking the phrase 'all or nothing' to a new extreme, huh?"
"Yeah..."
"But it's all up to you, okay? I will cry and I will hate you no matter which one you pick so...yeah. Just pick which ever one you want. And I'll support you-" She looked to Carolyn. "We both will. And I'll make sure everyone in the hospital does too. Okay?"
He gulped. "Okay."
Miranda Bailey was late. Really late. Meredith had texted her this morning asking her to meet her in conference room B at five o'clock, and it was almost half past. She'd discussed it with some of her fellow surgeons, and a few bad received the same text, so she assumed Meredith would just have proceeded without her.
She swallowed, and opened the door, deciding that there was no point in wasting time outside the door feeling embarrassed. "Hi, Grey. I'm so sorry I'm-" She paused when her eyes actually examined the room.
The heads of most departments, as well as a few attendings were sat around the table, with Meredith sat at the head. It was empty, apart from a large envelope in the middle.
"What...what happened?" She asked slowly. Her peers all looked so...distraught.
Arizona swallowed, and slid the large envelope across the table towards her, but she didn't speak. No one spoke.
She silently picked it up, and pulled out the scan, only to swallowed as she held it up to the light.
"It's a tumour. A...glioblastoma." Meredith explained, her eyesight blurring as she spoke. "The patient is terminal."
"And you're holding a meeting about this because?" She prompted, confused.
"We've decided to go with an experimental approach that hasn't really been tried much, but looks like it could work. He wants to fight."
"Who is 'he'?" She pressed. She knew who it was, really, she supposed. She was just blocking it out.
"You told me not to forgive him-"
Bailey swallowed so hard it hurt. She remembered who she was talking about when she said that to Meredith.
"You said you almost forgave your ex-husband once, but didn't because you knew he'd hurt you too many times. So you told me, as much as you loved him, that I should never got back to him because what he did to me was the shittiest thing a person could do but...I think you'll change your opinion now."
She looked from the scan to Meredith with washed-over eyes. "This is Derek's brain?"
Silent tears slipped. "Yeah."
"I love you, you know?" She asked as the elevator doors closed. Her hand tightened further around his.
"I know. I've heard. Many times." He said with a broad smile.
"Just...you know, remember that when you're-"
"Dying of anti-dying drugs?" He suggested when she didn't speak for a short moment.
She smirked. "I read you the papers. You know the treatment is horrendous."
"Maybe don't remind me of that bit so much."
"My point is...I love you, and I have forgiven you for everything. And that means no giving up because you think I'd be better off without you, okay?"
He sighed, and looked over as the elevator doors opened. "Okay." He agreed.
She smiled, and stepped out of the elevator, their hands still attached.
When they went out shopping, they walked pretty slowly because they were just ambling about as they browsed the windows, but she had since noted that his walking was now a little slower than it was before. He didn't walk with a limp, nor complain of any pain or neuropathy in either leg, but his walking was just generally slow.
His hand grip wasn't as strong, and she had also noticed that every once in a while, his hand would shake, just a little.
Sometimes, she'd sit and think about it all and wonder how she didn't noticed the little things that suggested he was sick. Of course, she knew that he had been off since he came back, but she never expected this. This. For them to be walking to the chemotherapy ward together.
"So- your room is 2193."
He nodded. 2189. 2190. 2191. 2192. The curtains were drawn to cover the glass doors and windows of the room. He paused, and looked at Meredith. "You sure?"
She smiled. "I'm sure."
"Oh. Oh, no. What did you do?"
"Just...I tried to make it feel more like home, okay? I'm allowed to do that."
He stared at her for a long moment, trying to read her eyes before eventually reaching for the handle and pushing the door open.
"Oh my god." He breathed.
The bed's regular blue blanket had been replaced his favourite blanket - the one that Meredith hated - and the normal white pillow had been replaced with a pillow from the house. Around the side of the room, on the countertops, there must have been about fifty get-well-soon cards, and two balloons. Zola's lion and Bailey's dinosaur were sat on the bed too, positioned against the pillow.
"So...I had a talk with Daddy before dinner. And he told me why he went away."
"You say...Daddy away for working?" Zola half-suggested, and half-asked.
"Yeah, that's what I said, because that's what I thought at the time. But I was wrong. When I said Daddy went away because he was working...I was wrong."
"Why?" Zola asked. The little girl loved asking questions about everything, but today Meredith found the questions helpful. It kept her going when she wanted nothing more than to stop and, earnestly, cry .
"Because that's what Daddy told me. He said he was working. But he wasn't. That wasn't why he wasn't here."
"Oh." Zola breathed. She looked to her brother, but he didn't really react.
"The real reason Daddy went away is because he needed some...help." She swallowed, thinking. It wasn't a complete lie. One of the reasons why Derek didn't tell her was because he was getting treatment in DC, and he didn't want her to have to live in two places at once, or uproot the kids to live in DC for a few months. "From some doctors. So...he was away because that's where the super good doctors were."
"But...you say that your hospital has super good doctors." She pointed out.
"I know. But Daddy needed help with his brain, and Daddy is the best brain doctor, but he couldn't...treat himself."
She didn't say anything for a second before replying, "Daddy says your brain is very important. Daddy says you need your brain to be good for thinking."
"That's true. So that's why Daddy is going to be having some more help from some more doctors to try and make him feel better. This time, it'll be here though."
"Something...wrong with Daddy's brain?" Bailey asked, finally deciding to speak.
"Yeah. But it's okay, because the doctors are super good, so they will fix what is wrong and then...then when Daddy does get better, he will come home."
"Here?" Zola asked.
"Yes. Daddy will come home, and live here...with me and you."
"Daddy home? We get Daddy again? All time?" Zola asked.
Meredith swallowed. That wasn't the point of the conversation at all. But she couldn't help but lean on it. Anything to stop explaining cancer to a child. Anything to stop discussing brain tumours with a child. Anything to stop the discussion before they got to what would happen if the doctors really couldn't help him. "Yeah. After Daddy goes to the hospital for a bit, he will come home, and he will be here like he used to be."
"I did the blanket and pillow because I wanted you to feel more like you were at home. Zola offered her favourite lion toy, and then Bailey joined in and offered his dinosaur. And then...well, as soon as everyone heard that you were sick - well, as soon as everyone heard that you were sick and that that was the reason you left me, not just because you were an asshole - I started getting cards. Lots of cards."
"That's just..." He swallowed. "It's incredible."
She kissed him on the cheek. "I know how hard it's going to be for you so I just...I wanted to make as comfortable for you as possible. I also bought some of your new favourite foods that the hospital don't offer, and some cool rubbery straws so you don't have to use the sucky paper ones."
"What did I do to deserve you?"
"Uh..." She grabbed both of his hands, and faced him. "An awful lot of things."
"I dread to think what you're going to be doing for me for the next few months."
"I am going to be supporting my husband. That's all."
"Through puke and hair-loss."
"I believe the correct term is in sickness and health." She corrected. "Now- let's get you gowned and in bed."
"Hey, I hope you're-" Meredith started as she opened the door, only to pause when her eyes settled on Derek.
Crap.
What the hell?
What. The. Hell?
What the freaking hell?
"Do you likey Mama?" Zola asked.
She didn't know how to answer that.
"Daddy let us do da buzzy!" Bailey exclaimed before she could think of a reply.
"I...can see that." She said, her voice so extraordinary slow. She slowly stepped into the room, examining their children's...work.
"I explained that it was going to happen, and that sometimes people like to...you know, get it before it gets you with the big shave and all and then...well, I asked Nurse Niki if she had a trimmer and-" He smiled. "Then this happened."
"I like the buzz buzz." Zola said. "But I also like Daddy's old hair. And I don't think I'm good at buzzing because he looks funny."
He smiled. "I'm sure Mommy would like to have a go. Maybe she can make me look a little less funny."
She sat down on the bed with her family, and took the trimmer in the her hand. She switched it on, swallowed, and ran it across his head.
Earnestly, she wanted to cry as hair dropped. It wasn't because she loved his hair - although she did abso-freaking-lutely adore his hair - but more because of what it meant.
"Meredith."
She swallowed, and found her eyes to be a little teary. She was trying so hard. But it wasn't enough. "Mmm?"
"It will grow back."
"Derek-"
"I will get this treatment, and then I will get better, and then it will grow back." He reassured her with a smile.
I'm sick, and I'm going to get sicker, and then I'm going to die.
Meredith smiled, and kissed him. "You will get treatment, and you will get better, and then it will grow back."
"But...for now-" His smile expanded. "You've got hair to shave off!"
She smirked, and raised the trimmer to his head again, attacking him further, and making them all giggle at the weird and wacky hair styles she created by shaving off random section of hair.