Warning: Heads up! This chapter contains mentions of purging. It also includes depictions and references to anorexia. You've been warned. TW: there are scenes where food is thrown away/food waste.
A/N: I had an interesting comment on the last chapter and just wanted to make sure it was clear that Helga when she said she 'liked' the taste of vomit, was just being sarcastic. I don't normally respond this way but it was an anonymous comment so I couldn't reply directly.
I'd say, because I am 50 chapters out on this fic, if things are not making sense or you feel like you have questions about something, give it some time. All will be revealed. If you feel like this story is taking too long to be updated on FFN, you are welcome to head over to AO3 and read the most recent chapters there. I'm still trying to find a pace that works for me for uploading. There's a lot!
As always, thanks for reading. Hopefully, you'll hang in there with me. If not, no worries. Thanks for going on this journey with me.
It's crazy (that someone could change me)
A week had passed. Helga lay on her bed in quiet contemplation. How the hell was she going to continue this thing when all she wanted to do was feel light?
Was it such a bad idea to purge? The relief she felt, the shame she felt afterward.. what if Phoebe had been serious and truly meant that she'd tell Olga?
God, she could just imagine the shouting and anger she'd hear from Bob now. He already thought she was some kind of lunatic with the whole therapy thing.
She could imagine Miriam mumbling something before passing out again on the countertop. She wouldn't stick up for Helga. She barely stuck up for herself when Bob came home yelling.
And Bob really knew how to yell, it gave her a headache just thinking about it.
She rolled over into her pillow and sighed.
She needed to think of a better plan.
"Baby Sister, are you in here?" Olga knocked on Helga's room, holding a small dish of hummus and pita crackers along with grapes on the vine.
"What?" Helga called out.
Olga opened the door "I brought you a snack. I know you must be hungry since you didn't have breakfast earlier."
Helga didn't look up from her textbook. "I had a big lunch at school, don't worry. I don't need a snack, Olga."
Olga smiled, "Just in case you get hungry, it's here." She placed the dish on the girl's dresser.
Helga looked up from her textbook and sighed. "Thanks, Olga." The girl waited for Olga to leave and heard her footsteps trail down the hallway. She opened her trash can and threw the food in the trash. She dumped the contents of the dish and placed the dish back on the dresser. After dinner, she'd go downstairs and throw the dish and plate in the sink.
She had too much in her stomach lately and the last thing she needed was more food. She pushed down her guilt and went back to her reading. Olga prepared her a snack out of love and Helga took it and threw it out like it meant nothing.
Helga ignored her feelings once again and refocused her attention back on her homework.
"Helga, Dinner!" Helga got up from her desk and sat her locket down. She wrapped her jacket around her tighter, making her way downstairs with the dishes from earlier in her hands. She could smell that meatloaf was for dinner.
She was going to stick to her plan. Eat a few bites and throw out the rest.
Helga took a seat next to Miriam as Bob sat next to Olga.
"About time you showed up, girl. Now we can eat." Bob rubbed his hands together.
"Daddy! Let me get the gravy for you." Olga fretted and reached across from her to pour on Big Bob's mashed potatoes.
"Thanks, Olga. This looks delicious."
"Thank you, Daddy! I made everything as always from scratch. The gravy is a special blend of Mommy's own recipe and a ting a secret ingredient I found to make it even more flavorful."
She preened watching Bob take a bite. "Wow, that's amazing. Miriam try this." Olga poured the gravy over Miriam's mashed potatoes and then Helga's.
"Olga this is incredible. You are such a great cook. You could enter a competition." Helga rolled her eyes.
She took a small bite of the meatloaf., chewing carefully. It was really good. Helga willed herself to eat a few bites of the broccoli and took a big gulp of water.
This would have to be it. She couldn't eat anymore or risk getting heavier. She hated the feeling of food in her stomach. The antacids made it easier to deal with the burning at least. IT still occurred but it wasn't nearly as severe.
"I'm going back upstairs, I need to finish up my homework."
That's when Olga launched the waterworks and Helga had to once again bite her lip to keep from going off on Olga. She was feeling tired lately and dealing with Olga's little episodes was not what she had in mind.
"I'll bring you up something later, Helga," Olga concluded sighing sadly as she pushed the food around her own plate. Helga hardly ate anything on her plate.
Instead, she took her second option and rattled off that she had an assignment due tomorrow that she needed to finish and raced up the stairs. Locking the door she walked into her closet and sat down. Taking out the magazines she brought of Preteen Miss (like she'd tell anyone) she opened the glossy pages and flipped through them. She stared at their thin limbs and perfectly airbrushed faces.
Did she really have something in common with these bimbos?
She continued to stare at the model's limbs, their physique. They looked so thin and ..beautiful she admitted to herself.
Here she was in her closet like an ugly loser staring at images of these beautiful girls. She knew they were modeling but the expression on their faces, the lightness in their eyes…it made her stomach overturn.
She felt like she was going to hurl the few bites of dinner she had. Still, Helga continued looking at the photos.
She wanted to be beautiful.
Helga took a couple of bites of eggs and stood up from her chair. "I need to go." Helga raced out of the kitchen, hopeful that Olga being distracted would give her enough time to race out.
"Wait! Baby sister, I packed you lunch since you didn't eat much last night. I wanted to make sure you had a good lunch to eat."
Helga took the lunch box and rolled her eyes, "Thanks, Olga." She ran out of the door. When she was sure that Olga could no longer see her, she slowed down and started the walk to meet Arnold. As she was passing down a block she saw a garbage can and threw the lunch in it.
She felt her stomach start to burn again and ignored it. She'd pop another antacid when she got to the school.
She wrapped her jacket tighter around her and raced down the block. Slowing down when she came up to the familiar corner she braced herself.
"Good morning Helga," the boy outreached a hand as usual and she squeezed his hand. He intertwined their hands and kissed her delicate fingertips. He ignored how cold they had felt. They were always so cold lately.
Helga blushed. "What's with the extra charm this morning Football head? Got something you wanted to tell me?"
Arnold blushed, "Too forward?"
Helga laughed, "Have you met me?" She leaned over and kissed the boy on the lips. "Missed me, football head?"
"Yeah, I did."
"You saw me yesterday." She teased him, knowing she felt the same way.
"That was a whole day ago, Helga." He leaned against her as they started their walk to the school. She felt so right against him.
"You never told me if you made up with Phoebe. Gerald said you two talked and Phoebe said things were getting better."
Helga rolled her eyes, "Do we have to talk about that annoying brainiac? We were having such a good morning."
"She's your best friend, Helga. What happened?" He stopped and looked into her blue eyes, his complete attention on her. She looked so tired lately and thinner than usual.
"She cornered me in the bathroom a week ago and wanted to talk."
"Okay.." Arnold was listening and wanted her to finish her recollection of events.
Helga continued on, launching into how her meeting with Phoebe had left out the biggest part about her eating and throwing up.
"Well, it sounds like you two still need to talk. Helga, what's stopping you?"
"Why's it always got to be me, huh?"
"Because she came up to you first and tried to talk to you. It sounds like you have some unresolved feelings to work out."
"Yeah well, she didn't apologize. So why should I make things work with someone who I don't want to?" Arnold knew she didn't mean any of that.
"Helga, don't give up. There's still time. Talk to her today." He squeezed her hand, starting up their walk again or they'd be late to school.
"You and your goody-two-shoes aren't letting me out of this one, are you?" She mumbled.
"Helga G. Pataki, contained? Never thought I'd see the day." Helga playfully pushed the boy.
"I just think you'd be a lot happier once you and Phoebe clear up your problems with each other."
Helga followed him up the stairs of the school, subconsciously squeezing his hand.
She saw Sid, Stinky, and Harold gather at her locker and sighed. Arnold looked at the trio and frowned. "Relax lover boy, I got this one."
The two made their way up to the trio and Helga broke her handholding to cross her arms as she glared at the boys.
"What?" She spat out. "What could you doofuses want now?"
Sid looked sheepish, kicking his white boot against the linoleum floor. "We-uh- we wanted to apologize."
Stinky chimed in, "Yeah, Helga on account of what we said was wrong."
Harold scratched the back of his head, clearly embarrassed, "And mean. Um, we're sorry." For good measure, he tacted on - "Madam fortress Mommy."
Helga cocked her head and contemplated rattling off one of her familiar tongue lashings but just nodded. "Thanks."
The three looked at her and then at each other and walked away surprised that that's all Helga replied with. Maybe Arnold was right and Helga had turned a new leaf.
Arnold smiled at her. "I'm proud of you. You could have yelled at them but you didn't. That's very mature of you to accept their apology." Helga had faint traces of blush and said, "Yeah, well I just want to get this day over with."
Arnold leaned over and kissed her cheek before leaving. "I'll see you in class."
Helga fought to not touch the cheek Arnold had kissed. Sighing to herself lovesick she threw in her books and took out the ones she needed for their first class.
It was lunchtime and Helga with nervous anticipation stood in line with Arnold and grabbed a sandwich.
"No pudding today?" He asked as he watched her place the last tapioca on his tray.
"Can't. My stomach has been hurting lately."
"Oh no. Is the burning back?" Arnold asked. He reached over and placed a hand on her arm.
"It comes and goes. But it's fine, Arnold, really. Don't worry about it."
Arnold nodded, He looked like he wanted to say something but couldn't find a way to. Helga looked at him, "What's up with you, hair boy?"
Arnold looked down and then back up at Helga, "Today I'm going to sit with Gerald. I want you to sit with Phoebe."
"What?"
"You'll never get to the bottom of your issues if you continue to avoid her, Helga. Don't let a friendship that's lasted practically all of our lives go to waste because of something that got blown out of proportion."
Helga groaned. "Can't I just sit with you and tall hair boy and Phoebe can just.."
"No, Helga. Besides me and Gerald need to catch up." Before taking his tray he squeezed her shoulder in support. "You can do this. I believe in you. I'll be over there if you need me."
Helga groaned and looked at Phoebe sitting alone at the lunch table. She caught Arnold walking over to Gerald and the two giving their own secret handshake.
"Criminy."
She walked up to Phoebe and sat down next to her.
"Phoebe."
"Helga."
"Tall hair boy put you up to this too?"
"Actually, Arnold suggested we sit down and talk. And besides, he and Gerald wanted some time to catch up on 'boy stuff'."
"'Boy stuff'?" Helga rolled her eyes, "Criminy, and now I'm stuck here with you."
"We can discuss more about the issue." They hadn't really spoken since Phoebe cornered her in the bathroom and Helga admitted to throwing up. Even though she wasn't honest as to why she was throwing up. Things were not the same between the two. Helga still avoided the girl. Phoebe tried to make good on her threat about watching Helga but the blonde girl made that difficult.
"Not here."
"Can we at least talk about the detention and that day you were clutching your stomach?"
"No."
"Helga, are you ever going to talk to me?"
"No." Helga took a bite of her sandwich. "As far as I'm concerned we have nothing to talk about until you're ready to apologize."
"Apologize?" Phoebe sat her spoon down. "What exactly am I supposed to apologize for, Helga? If we're talking about that day a week ago, I already apologized for intruding."
Helga stood up and threw out her food, "This isn't working." She looked at the girl before walking out of the cafeteria.
Phoebe looked over at the boys' who were in conversation laughing. Phoebe walked up to them, "Forgive me for intruding but it appears the plan did not work." She looked down, "I'm sorry Arnold."
Helga went to her locker, took out her toothbrush and toothpaste, and threw them in her backpack. She walked to the nurse's office thinking of an excuse to give the woman when she was back.
"Nurse Shelley? I just finished lunch. Can I use your bathroom? I think I might be sick."
Helga clutched her backpack closer to her as she waited for Nurse Shelley to reply.
"Hello again Helga! What's that? You're not feeling well? Go ahead and use the bathroom and when you come back we can see what else we can do."
Helga went into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She turned on the faucet and started what felt like another ritual.
She went to the toilet and forced a finger down her throat. She gagged coughing a few times before she yanked her finger away from her mouth. She braced herself against the porcelain and heaved.
There wasn't much to vomit but Helga was determined to start to feel some relief. And it wasn't like Phoebe was going to find out what she was doing. Since Helga let some details slip along with a lie, she'd been careful about how much she was eating and purging.
She didn't count on Arnold and Phoebe speaking to each other and ganging up on her. Criminy, these two were getting good.
And if Phoebe suspected the blonde was in the bathroom right now doing exactly what they talked about- Helga would truly be out of luck. But Phoebe would need to know where she was first- which she didn't.
Helga heaved again against the toilet bowl, waiting for it all to stop. She felt the dry heaves start and painfully she clenched the toilet bowl grunting as one particularly rough one hit her abdomen.
Finally, she had stopped heaving and flushed the toilet. She got up and brushed her teeth at the sink. She felt weak but lighter than ever.
She could get used to this feeling. She walked out of the bathroom shortly after washing her hands and greeted the nurse.
"I'm feeling a lot better Nurse Shelley. Is it okay if I leave?
"I'd like to check your vitals and then after they all look okay, I'll send you to your next class, okay?"
Helga nodded, following the nurse over to one of the open beds. She sat on the bed and quietly waited for the nurse to check over her vitals.
Helga took a deep breath as the nurse listened to her heartbeat, breathing in when instructed to. She breathed out after a few moments at the woman's instructions.
Next, Nurse Shelley had Helga put a thermometer underneath her tongue. She waited for the beep to read the temperature, 'It's slightly high but still no fever."
She took the girl's blood pressure and it all appeared to be fine even commenting, "It's a little low but within normal range."
Nurse Shelley looked down at her recordings. Helga's vitals were good. Nothing stuck out to her.
"Well, it looks like everything is fine. Did you go to the doctor the last time you were sent home, by chance?"
"Yeah, they told me I have acid reflex."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Helga. But I'm glad it's nothing unmanageable. Are you taking antacids to help with the burning?"
"Yeah, they're helping a lot."
"That's good to hear. Let me write you a pass and you can be on your way."
Helga nodded, "Thanks."
She felt her stomach start to burn again and gritted her teeth. She mumbled a thank you under her breath as the nurse placed a pass in her hand.
She was as light as a feather she kept reminding herself. Nothing else mattered.