Chapter 5

Another round of wounded rolled through the camp. Hawkeye took notice! With a fifth doctor, the camp ran smoother than before. It became evident to the man that the army was short on doctors as the forth cot was now taken by a competent surgeon. It was heavenly for the man. The new doctor eased the load and that eased the stress on the other doctors as well. It was perfect, almost too perfect for Hawkeye. Captain Barns was the perfect surgeon and officer. The new doctor was well liked and adored by the entire camp. But something was off and he wasn't sure what that something was. He felt as if he was waiting for the other shoe to drop and all hell to break loose once more. He didn't know why he felt so uneasy when the camp was running so smoothly.

After another round of surgery the doctors decided to unwind at the officer's tent. The Father played the piano while Rizzo sat at table with a deck of cards looking for his next score.

Frankie discovered the camp allowed both enlisted and officers in the tent which she found rather refreshing. She took a seat at the bar beside Radar who was nursing his grape NeHi soda.

Igor was tending bar and asked, "What will you have, Doc?"

She grinned, "I'll have a grape NeHi."

He gave a nod and soon opened a bottle of soda and placed it before her.

Radar asked amazed, "You like grape NeHi too, Captain?"

"I've never been much of a drinker." she confessed. She held her bottle up in a toast. "To NeHi soda. May you forever make the best soda."

Radar agreed, "I'll drink to that." The pair then drank the sodas at the same time.

Rizzo smirked from his seat. "Wanna play a round of cards, Captain Barns?"

She pondered for a moment knowing the man cheated. "Sure!" she agreed and then came over to the table with her bottle of grape soda. She sat down and looked at the players. Hawkeye, BJ and Margaret all sat at the table ready for the next round of cards and each with a can of beer.

Rizzo nearly laughed, "Your drinking grape NeHi, Captain."

She gave him a smirk. "I wouldn't be caught dead drinking any other."

Rizzo mocked. "You want a bib with that soda, Captain?"

She shook her head with a smirk as if she was keeping something back.

Rizzo started to laugh out loud. "Grape NeHi. This is rich!" He started to deal the cards.

BJ defended, "Leave the Captain alone, Rizzo. He doesn't want to drink beer."

She confessed, "I can stand the taste of beer." she soured.

He laughed, "How about one of those tootie-fruity drinks. I hear the ladies like those." he mocked her more.

She cocked her head, "My grandfather made his fortune in soda. His biggest competition is Coca-Cola. Chero-Cola. Ever hear of it?"

BJ and Hawkeye both shrugged for neither paid much attention to the soda wars.

Charles however recognized the name. "Wait! Your grandfather started Chero-Cola."

She nodded and grinned wide.

His mouth dropped.

BJ asked, "Charles?"

"Chero-Cola changed it's name to…" he paused and then confirmed, "NeHi Corporation."

Hawkeye sat a bit baffled as Rizzo dealt the cards. "Wait! What?"

"Our dear Captain is the heir to the NeHi soda corporation." Charles informed.

She nodded, "We're thinking of a new name for our cola. Royal Crown Soda. RC Cola." she informed. "Of course, I didn't tell you that, Charles. Just a little inside tip."

"Wait!" Hawkeye repeated confused. "What?"

Frankie held up the bottle, "My grandfather owns NeHi soda. He's a pharmacist. On my mother's side. He sent me to private schools after my parents died." she stated.

Radar overheard the conversation. He turned and asked, "Does your family really own NeHi, Captain Barns?"

She nodded. "Yes! We have a military contract to provide soda."

"Wow!" Radar was floored. "That must be neat to have all the NeHi you can drink?"

"My drink of choice is coffee, Radar." she soured. "I do some of the taste testing but I don't drink that much of it either. It's my grandfather's business. He's a CEO."

BJ chuckled, "And in one sentence you broke Radar's heart. His dreams of life time supply of grape NeHi were just shattered."

She smiled back, "I can make that happen." She cocked her head and spoke to the Corporal, "When you get back from the war, Radar. We could use you in advertising and you will get paid and get a life time supply of free NeHi soda."

"Really?" he gasped as he wondered if he was dreaming. He felt like he just won the lotto.

"Really!" she confirmed. She then looked at Rizzo. "Actually, I do like tootie-fruity drinks. My grandfather made an empire out of tootie-fruity drinks." She held up her bottle of grape soda. "To tootie-fruity drinks." she toasted.

Margaret watched as Frankie completely turned the tables on Rizzo after he insulted her upon opting for a soft drink over a beer. She called out, "Can I have a grape NeHi, Igor?"

Igor looked across to the card table and the odd request from the Major. "Of course, Major."

Hawkeye cheered, "I'll have a grape NeHi too!"

BJ called, "Me too!"

Igor quickly brought three grape sodas to the table for the officers.

Rizzo rolled his eyes. "Great. Nothing but a bunch of tootie-fruities."

Charles understood that Frankie gave him insider information and took not of the new name to come. He smiled, "I'll have a grape NeHi too."

Rizzo dealt the cards shaking his head at the soda surrounding him.

The doctors and Margaret gathered their cards. They began to play.

Colonel Sherman Potter entered the tent next. He found the officers playing cards with Rizzo and went to the table. He greeted, "How the game going?"

Rizzo muttered, "Tootie-fruity."

"We just started, Colonel." BJ stated.

"I have some good news and some bad news." he paused. Everyone looked up from the game. "The good news is, thanks to Captain Barns the 4077th has enjoyed a high survival rate and high quality care rating the last few weeks."

Margaret beamed, "That's awesome news. That means five doctors really make a difference."

"It does." Sherman agreed.

Hawkeye asked suspiciously, "What's the bad news?"

"Headquarters is sending in an officer to observe how we operate and make recommendations for improvements at other MASH units." he informed.

Margaret stated, "That doesn't sound so bad."

"They are sending Colonel Frank Burns." he told her.

She grew pale. "Frank! Is coming back the 4077th?"

"I'm afraid so." he nodded.

Charles asked, "The man I replaced?"

"That's him." he sighed.

Frankie asked, "Who is Frank Burns?"

BJ sounded, "He's crazy! He has it out for the camp. He went nuts so they promoted him to Colonel."

Margaret gulped, "What if he wants me back? Donald and I are not on good terms and Frank will take advantage of that."

Frankie asked, "This guy is a real problem?"

Hawkeye nodded, "And how! Least he won't be in the Swamp this time."

Frankie asked concerned, "How big of a problem is Colonel Burns?"

BJ sighed, "Gigantic."

"Oh' boy," she sighed worried.

Margaret shook her head. "Just when things were finally running smooth around here we get hit with Frank."

BJ warned, "We could have a bigger issue with Frank than just some old scores to settle."

Hawkeye asked "What do you mean?"

"Frank doesn't tolerate other kinds of…lifestyles." he hinted and motioned towards Frankie.

Hawkeye glanced at Charles as the men all assumed Frankie was a homosexual.

Charles looked directly at Frankie and agreed, "That could be an issue."

Margaret asked, "What are you three talking about? Frankie has never met Frank. Frankie is not an issue."

BJ reminded her. "Remember how he tried to get that nice young enlisted man dishonorably discharged after he saved his unit because Frank found out he's a homosexual?"

"What does that have to do with Captain Barns?" she balked.

Frankie sat wide-eyed, "You guys think I'm a homosexual?"

The three became embarrassed.

BJ winced, "You do kind of carry yourself that way."

Hawkeye assured him, "It doesn't bother us. We don't care."

At that point Frankie realized that not only was the camp a zoo but she one of the major exhibits.

Margaret huffed, "How dare you three accused Captain Barns of being a homosexual. You three are just jealous. He's the best surgeon in the camp. He made a huge difference in just a few weeks."

Colonel Potter stated, "Son! I don't care to know to about your sex life. But if it's true, it's best to not declare it."

She sounded, "I'm not a homosexual." She couldn't say much of anything else. If she declared she was attracted to men while in disguise she would be labeled a homosexual and discharged.

Margaret smirked at the doctors. "See!"

Charles held up both hands. "Our apologies, Captain Barns. It's just you can come across as rather feminine and we made that assumption."

BJ looked right at Frankie. "Frank Burns will accuse you of being a homosexual and try to get you thrown out. He doesn't tolerate gay men."

Margaret suggested, "We just tell Frank that Captain Barns is dating one of the nurses if he starts to pressure him."

Frankie went pale, "Which nurse?"

Hawkeye smirked, "Nurse Baker has the hots for ya."

"Oh boy," she sighed.

Margaret huffed, "I will not subject Frankie to Nurse Baker. She will be all over him."

"Then who?" Hawkeye asked. "You Margaret?"

"If need be then me." she snorted.

"Oh boy," she sighed again.

Colonel Potter stated, "Everyone just settle down. Captain Barns just stated he is not a homosexual and there is no need to panic. Burns will be here in two days. He will do his assessment and leave." He placed his hand on Frankie's shoulder. "I apologize for the camp, son. No one had any right to assume you were a homosexual just because of the way you carry yourself."

BJ added, "And talk."

She asked, "How do I talk?"

He winced, "Kind of…feminine."

Rizzo laughed, "As I said. Tootie-fruity!"

Hawkeye insisted, "Which is why Frank is going to home in on Frankie and try to prove he's a homosexual."

"Home in on me?" she gasped. "Klinger is running around wearing dresses and this guy is going to home in on me because of how I carry myself and talk?"

Charles stated, "Perhaps…we can give Captain Barns some acting lessons to help him carry himself in a more masculine manner?"

BJ pondered, "We could do that."

Margaret huffed annoyed. "Why don't we just throw Captain Barns in a dress too and pass him off as one of the nurses if you are convinced he's too feminine to be straight?"

Frankie started to shrink in her chair.

Hawkeye reasoned. "Frank is going to be jealous that the camp is doing so much better without him. He's going to look for a reason to toss Frankie out once he figures out that he's a way better surgeon and helped the camp gain recognition. You know how Frank is. He will go right after Frankie trying to get him out to punish us."

Charles insisted, "I'm sure with a little theater training, Captain Barns will come across as one of the most masculine men in camp."

Frankie rubbed the side of her head. "Oh boy."