A Message From Mann Co. Books:

Dear readers: Normally, we'd apologize for the long delay of this chapter's release. However, since we were/are/will be on strike the entire time. Therefore, we have to leave this part for our CEO:

[READERS! YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH I FOUGHT TOOTH AND NAIL TO GET THIS CHAPTER RELEASED! ACTUALLY, TEETH AND NAILS FLEW OUT OF MEN'S BODIES AS I PURSUED GETTING THIS HOT PIECE OF CAKE OUT FOR THE HUNGRY MASSES (YOU)! I'VE TRAVELED MANY COUNTRIES IN ORDER TO FIND ONE WRITING TEAM WHICH WILL AGREE TO MY TERMS AND CONDITIONS FOR THIS STORY, AND EVENTUALLY, I FOUND MY SOULMATES! A GROUP OF HIGHLY TALENTED BENGALI CHILDREN USING THE "MONKEYS AND TYPEWRITERS" METHOD (LITERALLY SPEAKING, NOT RACISTLY) EVENTUALLY PUMPED THIS BAD BOY OUT FOR YOU TO ENJOY TODAY! SO GET ON WITH IT, HAVE FUN! OR ELSE THOSE YOUNG BOYS WERE PAID MINIMUM WAGE FOR NOTHING!]

By the time Saxton Hale made it to the shore (as he was pondering whether it's appropriate for an adult like him to travel so closely with children all the time, a fabulous section of this story involving personal philosophical dilemmas that we sadly had to cut out since it was deemed "too boring" and "I will kill you if you publish this" by our titular character), the trio was already quickly moving away from him on… jet skis? Whatever vehicle they were using to reach the cruise ship in the distance, he needed to catch up to them. But how? Saxton was just about to make Michael Phelps look like an amateur when, lo and behold, a small wood dinghy was there, tied to a short pier. And what do you know? The boat had two paddles in it, too. Saxton would quote Psalm 104:24 if he had the time. But there was none, and he had to get to work. He sat in the boat, cut the rope, grabbed the paddles, and…

[KIDS, DO YOU REMEMBER HOW WHENEVER THE ROAD RUNNER RUNS FROM MR. COYOTE, HIS LEGS TURN INTO A ROTATING WHEEL OF BLUR LINES?]

That's what happened to Saxton's arms. With his paddling, he turned that crappy little boat into a 44 Magnum (the Banzai, not the bullet).

[FOLKS, IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT. ONE MAN, ONE BOAT, AND ONE WAVE HE WAS RIDING ON AT HIS WAY TO THAT YACHT!]

It was a dangerous endeavor, and not only because the boat could break apart any second, but also because the Coast Guard could show up and arrest him for speeding. We could go on and on about how fast he was (and we would, as it helps us get away with not actually writing the plot), but our contract mandates that we write more about Mr. Hale's exploits. Rest assured, he made it to that cruise ship. The trio was nowhere to be found, and neither were their mode of transportation. He did see three white trail lines moving underwater away from the ship – Was it possible they somehow gained access to those SEAL Delivery Vehicles his company was making for the US Navy? Didn't matter. Right now, his problem was getting on board the ship. He proceeded to solve that problem in about five seconds when he flexed his knees and embraced his inner kangaroo by jumping high in the air with a force that broke his fragile boat in half. He reached one of the ship's railings and used it to climb on. There, he was prepared to evade any vacationer or staff member lurking about… except there wasn't any. He started at the Port side and searched throughout the whole ship (or at least that was what he said to himself to spare wasting time on looking around) but he found no one to challenge his presence. Now, he knew that Percy Jackson boy and whichever friends came along with him were on this vessel. However, that would require searching the entire ship again specifically for them rather than the quick sweep he did to confirm he's alone. And when Saxton Hale is faced with either doing more boring chores or taking a nap after a long hard day of work, Saxton will take the latter, no doubt. He wasn't concerned for Percy – Saxton would hear if there was a fight, see if there was something suspicious, or smell if blood was being spilt. None of them were to be found here. If we are talking about smell, though… "Hmmm…" Saxton murmured. His sense of smell was a one-trick pony that excelled only in catching hippies. But hippies are bad, and by that logic he smelled something bad about this ship… something he couldn't place his finger on. Too much so, since he had no leads to follow on that suspicion. Therefore, he went back to square one: Finding the nearest hammock and hopping into it, while hoping knowing his keen awareness will wake him up should anything happen. He laid Hermes' gifted dillybag on his lap, drifted gently to sleep… and woke up in Tartarus.

Saxton immediately knew where he was. The last time he was here, this cursed place tried to suck him into it. He got out only by the skin of his teeth. So what the hell was he doing here again? "Christ!" He exclaimed, backing away from the huge hole he nearly fell in a long time ago. "Alright, someone's breaking my balls here! Show yourself, coward!" He called out into the void, remembering how there was some kind of entity here responsible. He pissed off that entity last time, and God knows he would be willing to do it again if it went through the effort of bringing him here.

"Foolish, foolish mortal…" A dark, malevolent voice spoke to him out of nowhere.

"Hades?" Saxton yelled. "C'mon, mate, I thought we had a deal. Could've sent me a damn letter if youse having economic difficulties again!"

"Oh, no, Hades is the least of your worries, mortal." The voice said again. "I am the One you should have not trifled with. Not then, not now."

"Yeah? Who the ! #$ are you?" Saxton asked bluntly.

"It depends on you, little man. I could be your worst nightmare… or your best friend."

"I choose the third option: You are DEAD, if you don't stop hiding behind the rocks and face me like the little $# ! you are!" Saxton retorted.

"You'll know who I am soon enough, I assure you." The voice said slyly. "Right now, I will let you pick: Betray those children you've chosen to ally with and that little camp you reside in. I will grant you riches and fame beyond your wildest dreams, ones you could never attain in your world…"

"Uh-huh. I have choices to give ya, too: Crawl out of that hole and fight me like a man, or make me drag ya out of it myself!"

"…Or, you can keep working against me, and suffer a slow, painful death."

"Son, I've been more threatened by koalas than you." Saxton wasn't even going to entertain the idea of answering seriously to whoever this being might be. He was willing to make a deal with the devil, but not with someone who was too scared to show his face.

"Suit yourself. My offer will stay on the table, for now. Think about it, hm? If you survive long enough…" The voice started laughing. A laugh that was like an earthquake in the cavern he was trapped in. The rocky roof above him started shaking and when he looked up, it all went down.

Saxton opened his eyes to blue skies and the natural breeze of the sea over him. He momentarily tensed when he heard laughing again, then relaxed when he realized it was children laughing. Wait, children? He got up from his hammock and looked around. This was an empty ship no more, as dozens of people enjoying the various attractions yachts have to offer walked by him. He didn't have a reason to be alarmed by the crew members present, since they ignored his existence. In fact, they ignored the existence of just about everything. Them, and the other civilians he saw. All of them behaved like robots, moving without direction and talking without purpose. None of them acted or looked natural. And he couldn't be happier. "Finally, something worth suspecting in this god-forsaken poop deck." He stretched and got up. It would be harder to find the trio now with all this people around, but he was not one to complain about a challenge. First, though, he looked inside his dillybag. He couldn't deny Hermes was a good trickster, gifting him a mason jar intended to be filled with his own metabolically-generated liquid by-product and then thrown at his enemies. Saxton invented it, of course, but that was back in his world, where he wasn't often accompanying children barely old enough to celebrate their Bar Mitzvahs. Saxton had no intention to enter the sex offender registry anytime soon. He decided to skip the bathroom break and start his search. Luckily, he didn't have to wait a long time like yesterday before finding what he looked for: trouble. As he walked over to the lido deck, Saxton found a plethora of creatures living alongside the clueless humans: Hellhounds, Laistrygonian Giants, and a strange new monster he didn't see before which looked like women with snake trunks for legs. Definitely the least dangerous of the three, but he always appreciated more enemies. "G'day!" Saxton shouted for all of them to hear, immediately forsaking any thought he had about finding Percy or finding out more about this ship. Hundreds of hostile eyes turned towards him. He used the short moments they were still surprised to give them a choice. "Youse have ten seconds to chuck a uey before I start making heads roll!" As he expected, they've made up their minds in less than half of that. As countless monsters charged him, he couldn't help but laugh. "Head bowling it is, ya bastards!" He said as he and the enemy crowds clashed.

The first who reached him were the hellhounds. They may be big as bears, but they certainly could outrun their allies. If they were smarter, they'd know being the first troops to attack an energized Saxton Hale is a death wish. He didn't even kill any of them when they all leaped together at him. Instead, Saxton demonstrated the world's best cartwheel as he used his hands to leap off the floor and weave himself between several large bodies of ferocious hellhounds. His left foot grazed one dog's belly, his right knee came close to incidentally shattering another one's spine, his torso spared itself from being scratched a dozen times, and his face breezed past fangs that would've bitten his skin off a second ago. When he landed, the hellhound pack crashed into itself, tangling together in a black howling mass. "Silly mongrels." Saxton chuckled and punched one of the hounds straight in the face. What looked like a casual punch to the casual observer was actually a strike with a force behind it equivalent to being hit with a ship's anchor. The hellhound mass was atomized on the spot, and both the giants and the snake women had to stop in their tracks and gasp when they saw it. Saxton, naturally, didn't break a sweat. He used the same force to open the door to his Mann Co. Elite Suite. Currently, it was sufficient to dispose of a few wayward beasts. Another hellhound lunged at him and Saxton sent his fist through its throat until it came out of the other side and punched another hound to death.

TWO BIRDS IN ONE STONE!

Saxton laughed while the monsters dissolved beneath his feet. The rest of the pack reorganized and attacked him again. But he wasn't playing around anymore.

KICK!

A hellhound flew to the air and became dust mid-flight. The remains rained on the giants and reptilians that were supposed to help it, yet were still stuck in shock at how easily Saxton took care of it.

PUNCH!

A second hound went for a deadly swim after Saxton hit it with a downwards-facing fist, making the dog shatter several levels of the ship until it hit the bottom and turned to golden debris on the water.

SMASH!

A third one temporarily required a doggy wheelchair, crawling away from Saxton towards the perceived safety of its bystanding allies. It died too soon to reach them.

CULLING!

Eventually, there was just no more hounds left to fight. The poor pooches had no chance – Saxton had his fair share of canine combat from the dingoes back home. Admittedly, they were far smaller than hellhounds and Saxton often needed to find huge groups of them for him to even have a challenge, but it was good training nonetheless. "Boy, that was bonzaexercise for my trapezius!" He grunted and turned to the crowd of armed spectators. "Well? Are you lot going to run or fight?" He questioned politely. "BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAD EITHER WAY!" With a sudden scream, he charged them and left them no choice. The first line of defense, a group of normally brave Scythian Dracaena, immediately fled. Before World War 1, you'd need a cavalry charge in order to make infantry run for their lives in this manner. Here, one angry Australian was all it took for the snake women to get out of harm's way. The same could not be said about the formation of Laistrygonians behind them. Caught completely off guard, Saxton hit their mass like a battering ram hitting a wooden door.

CRASH!

A few died instantly, many were injured, and the ones spared of being called a casualty were still confused where their enemy was amidst the dust and the bodies. Their question would be answered swiftly a flurry of arms coming at them. Saxton wouldn't admit it, but accidentally charging into the giants instead of the Dracaenas was not to his liking. He put all his weight into the sprint, hoping to vaporize them all with the force of the impact, but when they folded and he struck their beefy allies instead it made him release a lot more energy than he intended into a harder target than he wanted. With his stamina drained more than he bargained for, he stopped dallying. A giant raised his club to attack him and earned a swift decapitation via a karate chop. Another one tried to grapple him and got his head kicked off by a well-positioned kick to the hyoid. A third went to punch him and instead got punched doubly by Saxton on his scalp, collapsing his skull into his first rib like something straight out of a cartoon.

[YOU DIDN'T THINK MY THREAT OF MAKING HEADS ROLL WAS A JOKE, DID YOU?!]

As promised, soon there was a lot of headless Laistrygonian giants, which were then soon giantless ash piles. Only thing left was the Scythian Dracaenas. "Alright then!" Saxton turned to face them, a unit of terrified reptilian ladies with their spears pointed at him. "I'm betting I can make heaps of snake oil off your corpses. Who's ready to turn me a profit first?" At the sound of that, every single one of them dropped their weapons and ran away screaming.

"Well, maybe next time." Saxton looked around and realized there is no more hostiles left. A few turncoat Half-Bloods were staring at him in the distance, but even the ones with bows drawn didn't dare shooting without reinforcements, lest they draw his ire too.

"Saxton!" Saxton heard a familiar yell coming from close by. He went to investigate, and discovered Percy and friends sitting in a lifeboat on the water below. "Uh… are you coming?" Percy inquired, likely confused why the enemies chasing previously chasing him have vanished. Saxton looked behind. A loud rumble was coming from inside the ship, like a large army was marching out to fight him. Even though he was getting tired, the thought almost made Saxton want to stay. But he had to remember there was other things in life.

"Ugh, I suppose. Make room, lads!" Saxton nearly jumped down, then realized his weight would easily capsize the boat if would do so. He instead climbed below in an orderly manner and find just barely enough space for himself between Tyson and Annabeth. "At full mast, maties!" He gestured forward. "Or am I going to have to row this thing too?"

Percy heard stomping of boots above him and looked up. A sizable firing squad of archers was standing shoulder to shoulder, taking aim. "No time!" He hurriedly opened part of the magical thermos gifted to him by Hermes. Right away, they rocketed faster than the fastest jetski. In a few minutes, their enemies were no longer anywhere to be seen.

"So… how did you know we were on that ship?" Annabeth eventually questioned Saxton after they made a call to Chiron, informing the centaur of what they've been through and learnt. They had just passed Virginia Beach, and were now heading towards Chesapeake Bay in order to evade a nosy Coast Guard boat.

"A little birdie called Hermes told me." Saxton answered, adjusting his hat to shield his eyes from the sun. "From there, I fortunately found a boat and paddled my way there during the night. Didn't find ya at first, so I hit the sack and waited 'till mornin'. Then I discovered there was loads of freaks there just waiting to get their arse kicked and, heh, I guess I couldn't resist."

"Yeah… we heard." Annabeth looked on at the Bay ahead. "There, past that sandbar." She told Percy, the designated driver. After a short while, they reached the shore and parked the boat somewhere inconspicuous. Annabeth then led them through a marshy jungle to a hideout she set up years ago, when she was still rolling with Luke and Thalia.

Once they finished establishing their camp, they could all finally relax after all they've been through. Except for Tyson, who has been sent on an errand to find donuts. "So… you met with Hermes too?" Percy addressed Saxton.

"More like Hermes met me, kid. That crazy son of a bitch disguised himself as one of my mercenaries. Can you believe that?" Saxton giggled at the memory.

"I can, honestly." Percy didn't know the god for very long, but he did know the gods were strange creatures in general. "What did he tell you?"

"Oh, ya know, godly wisdom and all that nonsense. Nothing too important really." Saxton brandished his dillybag. "This though, was something I could appreciate from him." He pulled out the mason jar, displaying it proudly.

"He gave you a… jar?" Annabeth raised her eyebrow.

"Um… the jar is, hm… decorative." Saxton sworn to keep the "The Insult That Made a 'Jarate Master' Out of Sniper" a secret as long as he could. "No, the real gift is this." He uncapped the jar to show off the lid. "Australium, kids. You know how valuable this is, right?"

"Definitely." Annabeth replied with a smile. As a child of Athena, she had a lot of curiosity in stock to ask Saxton in the past about his world's magical metal, and he would tell to the best his knowledge allowed.

Percy didn't know as much as her about it, but he was told just enough to understand it's worth far more than gold. "Huh, cool. What are you supposed to do with it?"

"Hell if I know!" Saxton admitted. "But everyone knows Australium always finds something to be done with it, God willing." He put capped the jar and put it back in his bag. Absentmindedly, he was about to start doing an indefinite number of squats until he realized Percy and Annabeth were awkwardly silent. "Oh. I'm sensing some underlaying tension here. I'll… leave youse to it." And who said Saxton Hale couldn't understand social cues? He got up, picked up a Swiss Army knife from one of the duffel bags, nodded politely, and went outside.

Walking away from the hideout, Saxton realized what a fool he is for not always carrying a knife with him. Oh, how useful are these things for relieving boredom! As soon as he was out of the camp, he searched for the nearest suitable wood he could find. Seeing a fitting fallen tree branch, he picked it up and went to work. Owning up to the length of the stick, he knew exactly what he was going to do: a spear. Slice by slice, he created a tip sharp enough to make your eyes bleed just by looking at it. The handle was a bit too thin for his taste, but then again, he could only blame his hands for being too thick. Whatever may happen, the weapon will be a fun appetizer to the next fight he will partake in. Fight… or feast, as he suddenly found himself nearly coming face first with the wall of a restaurant. Wait, what? Saxton blinked, looking at the structure he wandered in front of. It was definitely a restaurant, given the smell coming from inside it. A sweet smell, of… Saxton wandered to the side of the building and realized this place is a donut shop. Anyone else would be incredulous at this sighting. But Saxton? Saxton was outraged. As crony of a capitalist he might have been, one thing he would never support is building restaurants in the middle of nowhere. Not because of the lack of profit, mind you, but because the concept of pampering people traveling in the middle of nowhere disgusted him. "This is a travesty! Folks trying to survive out here don't need no damn donut shops making life easy for them! If they're hungry, they can either hunt their food or DIE!" Saxton proclaimed loudly to no one in particular. He wasn't going to let this slide – whoever owned this establishment was going to earn a stern talking-to. Heading to the entrance, he realized something: This is the middle of nowhere… with no cops around.

PROPERTY DAMAGE!

The shop employee was nearly killed from a flying piece of debris as Saxton barged in the only way he knew how. "YOU!" Saxton pointed at the employee. "YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES – COOK ME A RIBEYE RIGHT NOW, OR TELL ME WHAT IN THE BLAZES IS THIS NONSENSE?"

"W-What?" The clerk enquired, terrifiedly.

"Donuts in the bush? This is a place for survival, for conquering the wild! Not for nibbling on pastries like a weak-kneed city slicker!" Saxton shook his fist. "So I'm only going to tell you this once – get this sugary nonsense out of my sight and give me a real man's food!"

"I… How… Why…" The employee was dumbfounded. "We only sell donuts here, sir- UGH!" He exclaimed as Saxton lifted him off the ground.

"In that case, I'd like to speak to your manager, boy!" Saxton demanded. The worker gulped, nodded, and pointed at the shop's entry window. Saxton looked outside and saw a huge beast prowling about. "Of course! How did I not think of this? Only a monster would open such a store in a place like this." Saxton put the employee down. "Take care, boy. And find yourself a real job." On that note, Saxton charged again, this time out of the store.

DOUBLE PROPERTY DAMAGE!

As he stood before the new enemy, Saxton remembered he was still holding his spear. The problem was that after callously breaking through two walls with it, it was more fit to be a knife. And considering the size of his foe, the toothpick's he's holding won't do him any good (how his mason jar survived is a question still shrouded in mystery). "Alright then…" He threw the useless sticks aside. "Let's see how much snake oil I can get off of you."

The snake oil treasure in question was a massive, lizardy creature with the luckiest number of heads – seven. Each head was shaped like a woman's best friend, and its teeth were sharper than Saxton's spear (if you can believe that). It was a Hydra, or as far as Saxton was concerned: A monster he hasn't killed yet.

"You know, mate, sometimes I wonder if it's worth taunting varmints like ya – youse things don't understand a word I'm saying! You can't respond! You're worthle- Whoa!" Saxton had to cut his speech short as the Hydra spat at his direction. He didn't know it had acid saliva, but his experience with the monsters of this world told him they usually don't spit at you out of mere disrespect. As it turned out, the grassy ground he stood on was now a steaming black patch.

"Saxton!" He heard a yell come from the other side of the Hydra. The trio he was journeying with were there, equally sieged as he was. "Don't destroy its heads, it can-" Annabeth, the speaker, couldn't finish what she was saying as she had to continue fending off the monster's bites. Thanks to its multiple brains, it could attack at two fronts at once. Four heads were allocated to attacking Percy, Annabeth and Tyson. The remaining three continued spitting at Saxton, who wasn't yet within melee distance. He dodged one acidic spurt after the other and laughed at this beast's arrogance at using the minority of its heads to assault him. It calculated the group was more dangerous than the single person, being too foolish to know the threat it was facing. Saxton could have played with it, but considering the danger to his allies and his desire to impress them, he chose to end this quickly. As the Hydra's heads leaned back for another volley, Saxton went at top speed. He was intentionally staying all this time out of arm's (or rather neck's) reach to give the creature a false sense of security. While it was still thinking it had enough time to spit at him, Saxton was close enough to smell it – a smell of what was just an oversized snake. Not even close to challenging him. The Hydra spat… with all three of its heads missing him by a foot. Worse, its faces were now close enough to the floor that Saxton didn't even need to do one his classic physics-defying jumps. He simply leaped off the ground, prepared his hand for a karate chop, and as they said in Rwanda: Cut down the tall trees.

Saxton Hale has earned the achievement Lumberjack

He was truly too fast for the Hydra's potentially acidic blood to harm him. His fingers sliced through the Hydra's necks cleanly, severing the three aimed at him from its body. Time seemed to slow down as he became aware of his surroundings: Him, still floating in the air. The Hydra's remaining four heads, turning to him. The trio under him, with Percy and Tyson looking bewildered, and Annabeth looking horrified. Damn that girl! What does it take to provide children with entertainment these days? Fine. She didn't think that move was good enough? He'll show her! As Saxton was descending, he spun his body around. His other arm came swinging, with deadlier intent than its predecessor. The Hydra never saw it coming.

Saxton Hale has earned the achievement Cleancutter

The monster resembled a duckfoot pistol more than a monster now. It stumbled around aimlessly while Saxton landed on the ground like an angel off a cloud. "Wrap your laughing gear around that!" He laughed, pointing backwards with his thumb. "Seriously, Joe Blake meat makes for damn good eating! I'm going to light a fire."

"What did you do?!" Annabeth shouted at him in disbelief. Percy didn't look any happier. In fact, he was looking behind Saxton rather than at him.

"What? Was the way I whacked him not colorful enough for your tastes, Sheila?" Saxton sighed.

"Saxton... look behind you." Percy told him.

Saxton glanced over his shoulder. The headless hydra had regained all its heads – twice as much. He was now facing a very angry platoon of fourteen reptilian heads, all ready to fire on him like a ship broadside. "Right." He wrinkled his mustache. "Well, don't get off ya bike, we'll just-"

"Run!" Percy said, and all four of them dashed as far away as they could. The Hydra let loose with its mouths, liquifying everything around them. Acid dripped from trees and rocks alike, melting anything in its path. Saxton was no Neo. He couldn't dodge all of these and keep fighting at the same time. Choosing to tactically retreat, he followed the trio back to the river, since the hideout was no place to hide out in anymore.

"Saxton, do you got anything we can make fire with? It's the only way we can kill it!" Annabeth told Saxton as they approached the water.

"Afraid not, lass." Saxton didn't have fire, but he did understand what Annabeth was generally saying: cauterizing a head stump will ensure the Hydra won't be able to regrow it. While he might have been able to make some rudimentary flames going on with the right scavenged tools, the Hydra surely wasn't going to wait for him. He did have the mason jar, which could be filled with a liquid that has a pH value lower than even the Hydra's acid. But this was pretty much the least appropriate moment to do that. No, he will have to find another solution as they reached the dead end that were the water.

"Enough absquatulating!" Saxton growled, the Hydra catching up to them. "We're makin' blunnies outta these boofheads pronto!" He raised his balled-up fists.

"How?! We're barely managing to defend ourselves!" Annabeth complained, evading a bite from one of the heads.

"Best defense is a good offense!" Saxton said in response, showing his faith in the saying by running straight ahead at the enemy.

"At what point does saying 'he's crazy' become obvious?" Percy grunted, swatting another head away with the blunt side of his sword.

"A long time ago." Annabeth responded.

"Steam engine." Tyson said. What a strange thing to say, thought Saxton. He was hearing some other unrecognizable yelling behind him, but at some point in your life, you got to stop caring about what people say and start punching things. Saxton knew it better than anyone. Unfortunately, now might have been not a good time to know it. As Saxton reached the Hydra, he heard Annabeth scream the loudest she could:

"Hit the deck!"

Saxton was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Fourteen Hydra heads were lunging at him, which he planned to dodge and then do something nasty to them that doesn't involve cutting. But the urgency of Annabeth's voice made him concerned. It was a split-second decision between reacting to the monster's attack or reacting to Annabeth's warning. The former was much more lucrative, the latter was a likely death sentence. Why take the risk? And then he realized – because it's the risk. The cushy option would be to fight the Hydra, the dangerous one to listen to Annabeth. And he knew well which attitude he prefers.

Saxton transformed his run into a slide. It managed to surprise the Hydra, which expected a sort of assault. Some of the heads were still fast enough to catch him, biting his body and spraying acid on parts of it, but not enough to cover most of him. With only medium injuries, Saxton slid under the Hydra's large belly and ended up behind it. That's when the boom came.

BOOM!

Saxton was used to explosions. Half of his products were meant to explode, the other half exploded by themselves. He thought he heard all the booms he could hear. But the sound that came behind him was the mother of all booms. In fact, he couldn't describe what was going on in his ears at all. Was it ringing? Bleeding? Deafening? Either way, he actually had bigger worries, such as the shockwave that followed the explosion. Oh, shockwaves. Not only do those annoying things make you fly, they also rupture your internal organs. Not all, but enough to make it hurt… and Saxton absolutely was hurting. He was lucky enough for a bunch of trees to break his crash, so rather than being flung all the way back to the donut shop, he was only flung halfway back.

So there Saxton was, coated with big bites, bruised by tree trunks, having parts of his flesh melted off by acid, getting his hearing lost, and suffering from so much internal bleeding that it started to get external. There, he thought to himself, "bloody hell, I want something from Donut King.", before passing out.

Saxton woke up in his office.

He blinked, trying to understand what's going on. Didn't he just die? Because this setting could double as both heaven and hell. He got up from his chair and inspected his surroundings. The beautiful/ugly New Mexican desert view out of the window, check. His stove/desk combination, check. All his trophies/Form 1120, check. What joys and woes he had in this place.

Well, there was only one way to find out. He sat back down and reached for his telephone to order himself some ring-shaped pastries, only for the phone to ring first. He picked up the handset. "Hale speaking."

"Poor, poor mortal…" A voice responded, one that Saxton unfortunately recognized. Or so he thought.

"YOU!" Saxton slammed his fist on his desk. "Wait, who are you?"

The voice sighed. A normally soft sound for most people, but a rough one for whoever this was. "Why am I not surprised? Your mind is the least used part of your body."

"Ohhh, I remember who you are! You're that coward who didn't show his face the last time I saw him!" Saxton laughed. "Alright mate, tell me – is this where you've hiding this whole time? Purgatory?"

"Sadly, you are not dead yet, Saxton Hale. Though I do expect that to change withing the following… day."

"Ha! Now that I know that, I'm going to stay alive just to spite ya!"

"Yes, it seems your entire existence is out of spite. Spite for the environment, spite for the animals, spite for your fellow men."

"Oh! Look at this moral philosophy professor! This is why everyone hates you!"

"Morals concern me no more than mortals." The voice said. "But you are not me. You travel alongside humans with a far higher sense of righteousness. What happens once they find out about your many, many misdeeds?"

Saxton cleared his throat. "No worries about that. They know who I am."

"Do they? Do they know how many forests you've bulldozed? How many animals you drove to extinction? How many strikers you have murdered?"

"I… Hey, none of those things were proven in the court of law!"

"Of course. But in the court of public opinion, well… these facts could make many of your allies into enemies." The voice spoke in amusement. "And then, you will become a lone wolf, another nobody in this world… just like what you were in your original one." The voice began to laugh again. Saxton smashed the telephone in hopes it will stop it from bringing down the building, but the laugh continued thundering, and it was coming from under the structure. Saxton didn't have enough time to jump out of the window before Mann Co. Headquarters collapsed on top of him.

At least this time he wasn't surprised when he woke up again. Too bad it wasn't in a comfortable hammock on a cruise ship.

Saxton opened his eyes to find himself inside a metallic room. He got up, slowly and groaningly. "Take a butcher's hook at this…" He murmured, inspecting his body. He was wounded, alright. But he couldn't see it. Bandages were covering most of him, though luckily not everything, so he looked more like a toilet paper mummy rather than a real one. Some of them covered only shrapnel wounds, some covered recent surgery stitches. He had some kind of tubes and weird earplugs in his ears, and when he went to fiddle with them, a gravelly voice stopped him.

"Don't touch that." A ghoul was standing on the other side of the room, dressed in an old tattered soldier's uniform over its skeleton. It was wearing a faded red cross on its shoulder patch, which made Saxton guess made that thing the one responsible for taking care. "I treated your injuries with a number of ambrosia, nectar, and some antibiotics. Your internal bleeding was stopped, and I pulled out all the bomb and wood fragments in your body. The tympanoplasty I gave you should save you from permanent hearing loss, but I can't promise anything." The dead doctor said.

"Thanks, mate." Saxton rubbed his eyes. "Who're you, again?"

"I'm the naval surgeon." It said. "Well, was. I haven't treated anyone in over a hundred years. Especially no one with wounds like yours, since they wouldn't live through half of what happened to you. You're a resilient man, sir."

"And you're a damn good doc, mate."

"Aye, I was. Now, I would tell you to relax and let your body heal, but… that ain't gonna happen on this cruise. So I'll just tell ya good luck." The ghoul walked to the staircase. "Come, I will inform you of what is going on." Saxton got off the bed and followed him. "You're on the CSS Birmingham, son, best god-damned Yankee killing machine of the Second American Revolution. Or at least it was, until a spar torpedo hit us and sent everyone here to Davy Jones' locker."

"Huh… sorry to hear that."

"Yeah. God works in mysterious ways, milord. Now he has us working for a Greek god, with some child as our commander. Can't complain, I guess. Orders are orders."

"Tell me about it." Saxton said as they went topside. "I assume those other kids I was with are here too?"

"Yes they are." The doctor scanned its surroundings. "We're entering the Sea of Monsters soon, but you already knew that."

"I did?" Saxton frowned. Come to think of it, he never queried or was told where they're going. All Hermes told him was that Percy Jackson and his friends were going on a quest. Saxton didn't need any more information to know he's on board. The purpose was moot, as long as Saxton got to do what he always did: kick ass. "Where? Why?"

"Ah, there they are." The skeleton ignored the questions and gestured towards a group of people on the far end of the spar deck. "You can ask them anything you want. My work here is finished, sir." With that, the helpful zombie went back to his quarters.

Saxton scratched his head. What weird creatures these things were. The way he knew them back home was a cursed ancient Indian burial ground-induced enemies that split into two different skeletons when you killed them. Here, they were just servants. It is what it is.

He approached the group as they were making battle plans. Percy, Annabeth, and Tyson were all there, as well as that daughter of Ares he knew – Clarisse. Seeing her instantly reminded Saxton of how sorry he was he didn't beat her father senseless when he first met him. "…We're going to steam straight toward her, train our guns on her, and blow her to Tartarus!" Clarisse was saying while he reached them. "Oh, lookie here, the swinish meat sack I accidentally shot." She said grinning when she noticed him.

"Nah yeah." Saxton could have gotten enraged about her admitting she's the one who caused him to look like this. But knowing she's a kid, it deflated any potential anger he could muster. No matter how uppity they are, the Saxton Hale codex does not permit fighting children. "Youse a tinny bastard, ya know that? If ya were a bee's dick older, I'd have flogged ya."

"Uh-huh." Clarisse didn't look like she understood half of what he said. "Right. I'm going to keep focusing on my mission." She turned around and looked around at the horizon, as if searching for something.

"Saxton…" Percy said. "I'm… impressed you survived. I mean, I already saw you surviving some bad stuff, but if you didn't use that Hydra's body as a shield you would have been gone."

"Well, I only did it because I listened to this sheila's advice." Saxton acknowledged Annabeth, who smiled. "Much appreciated back there."

"I'm just glad you listened to something I said." She shrugged innocently. "How are you holding up?"

"Not dead." Saxton crossed his arms. "Not by a ! #$ sight." Hearing him cuss made the trio wince. "Sorry, force of habit."

"Too much habit." Tyson mumbled childishly, which made even someone like Saxton feel guilty.

"Hey, fair crack of the whip, alright? I'm trying." Saxton said, giving them a Gallic shrug.

"Look, we got more important things to worry about." Annabeth took the discussion back. "Scylla, Charybdis – you heard of these two?"

"Vaguely?" Saxton answered.

"Guardians of the entrance for the Sea of Monsters. You have to pass next to one of them to cross inside." Annabeth explained. "In short, Scylla is basically a huge Hydra and Charybdis is just a huge mouth. Clarisse thinks we'll have a better chance surviving Charybdis if we blast her with the ship's cannons."

Saxton looked at the in-built armaments of the vessel. These civil war cannons may have looked threatening, but without knowing how big Charybdis is, there's no telling how effective Brooke rifles will be. "Hmph. Personally, I'd have preferred fighting an oversized version of the Joe Blakes from earlier, but I guess a ginormous gob will have to do."

Percy raised his eyebrow. "Seriously? You're still thinking of fighting something after what you've been through?"

"Son, when have I ever not thought of fighting something?"

"Ummm… guys?" Tyson spoke up. He had a good reason to divert their attention: The ship was approaching Charybdis.

Annabeth stood next to Percy and started talking to him. "You still have your thermos full of wind?" Saxton zoned out right after that sentence. He heard Charybdis and went to investigate right away. Yep, that definitely was a ginormous gob. A mouth and teeth the size of a small island, yet nothing else to speak of. Saxton shook his head. That water Hydra sounds even more interesting to fight now. How the hell was he supposed to combat this thing? Even if it wasn't so huge that you had to run a marathon in order to cross it, it's just a mouth. How do you beat a mouth? He seriously contemplated between running around tooth to tooth, knocking one by one, or letting it swallow him so he could destroy it from the inside. Either option was boring. So as they approached the monster to get within cannon firing range, Saxton realized this was a fight he'll have to sit out. It's not that he wasn't a good swimmer (he was) but this was no environment for a warrior like him. Terrible weather, angry sea, a creature not capable of giving a fair fight. "Curse you, Charybdis!" Saxton yelled. He looked at the Paixhans guns open fire on the mouth, three balls that did absolutely no damage to the thing. Yep, this was a fight he had to stay out of. Or did he? They were getting dangerously close to the mouth. If Saxton were to fill up his mason jar, he could give this thing a meal it won't forget.

"Tyson did it!" A female shout from behind him distracted him. Annabeth, Percy, and Clarisse were standing there. But what did Tyson do? The boy was nowhere to be seen. How long was Saxton stuck in his passing thoughts?

"Wait!" Clarisse said. "We need to stay close!"

"We'll die!" Percy said. "We have to move away."

Die? Saxton glanced back. Oh right, they were getting dangerously close to the mouth. It was now or never – Saxton must save the day with his jarate. He reached for his dillybag and was about to open it when Charybdis unexpectedly closed her maw. There were a few seconds to wonder why before she opened it again, and generated a tsunami that sent the ship flying to the opposite side it was going to. Saxton nearly was thrown overboard and had to hold on to a random gunwale in order not to become fish food. Eventually the ship was sailing straight again, though it was still spinning out of control towards cliffs Saxton hadn't noticed before. He managed to climb back and stand on the ship steadily again. Thanks to his Australian luck, he returned to the group of Half-Bloods just as the action was about to start.

"Where's Tyson?" Percy demanded from a smoldering sailor.

"Still down there", the sailor said. "Holding it together somehow, though I don't know for how much longer."

The captain said, "We have to abandon ship."

"No!" Clarisse yelled.

"We have no choice, m'lady. The hull is already cracking apart! She can't-" The captain didn't get to have a say on what she can or can't do. A brown-green bolt shot down like lightning and took him, leaving just his boots in his wake.

"Scylla!" Another sailor helpfully explained the situation to Saxton before getting stolen as well.

Saxton looked up. It was hard to see what the beast above looked like, but one thing was certain – its assault has begun. Serpentine heads were raining down on them, eating skeletal crewmembers left and right. "Leave her to me!" Saxton bellowed loudly for everyone to hear.

"Are you crazy? She'll kill you!" Annabeth screamed in order to get her voice across the panic on the ship.

"Not if I kill her first!" Saxton said, beginning to run and bounce as erratically as he could to draw Scylla's hunger. He wasn't paying attention to the conversation going on between the Half-Bloods anymore – all he cared about was teaching these snakes a lesson. Clarisse so rudely interrupted him during his battle with the Hydra. He wasn't going to let anyone do that again. Fortunately, he didn't have to wait very long to get what he wanted. Being the tallest and biggest person aboard, it took only a minute for Scylla to pick him up.

How did Saxton know that monster wasn't going to just chew him up and ruin his plans? He guessed. Observing how precisely Scylla was snatching up the sailors, he bet he could safely make it inside her mouth without meeting her large teeth. All he needed to do was a small jump when she caught him in order to save his feet from being cut off and there he was, inside a snake's maw. It was warm and disgusting in there, and he had to react quickly since Scylla almost immediately tried biting on him: Her tongue propelled him towards her teeth, and he used that momentum to swing out of her mouth, grabbing two fangs on the way out and ripping them off. Scylla grunted, yet Saxton wasn't done yet. He springed off the fangs he tore and landed on the beast's face. Two beady yellow eyes were staring at him with a mix of rage and confusion, having met the first human in countless years which she didn't manage to easily kill. Saxton took advantage of her delayed reaction by smashing both his fists into her eye sockets. Scylla had big heads, requiring Saxton to use heavy force to break through this skull and destroy the brain. A second later, the head began to collapse. That was one down. Saxton hopped over to another neck which was just rising. It appeared like she hasn't yet understood what was going on. Another free kill for the daring Australian, which punched himself a hole into the creature's hard scales, then tore them apart until there wasn't enough muscles to keep the head upright.

BRUTALITY!

"This is too easy!" Saxton laughed, swinging out the hole before it came crashing down on him to a different throat. Scylla was basically helpless: It never met someone as crazy or as crazy powerful as this man to challenge her. She could move faster than eyesight when she was eating unlucky crewmembers, but up here? Moving fast meant thinking slowly. It was demonstrated perfectly when Saxton saw a mouth coming to intercept him and he slid down to evade it, causing one of Scylla's heads to bite off another one's Adam's apple (or whatever that thing's equivalent was). "Hey! Don't steal my kills, ya dirty animal!" Saxton taunted. To say he was having the time of his life would be an understatement. Was he exhausted? Yes. Was he wounded? Yes. Was he in constant danger of letting either of those things get the better of him, needing Scylla to get lucky just once for him to die? Yes. But his blood was made up of 100% adrenaline right now. All he could focus on was killing – Ride on a throat, rip it out violently, then do the same to the next one. Scylla was in utter chaos: She completely forgot about the warship and was storming around herself in order to catch him. Saxton knew he was a small target, and utilized it as much as possible. A flurry of maws was raging around him, trying to catch his body at any possible opportunity. At one point, Saxton started just feeling sorry for the thing, and let it eat him again.

JONAH AND THE WHALE!

What a challenge that was! The triumphant leviathan attempted swallowing him right away. her tongue kicked Saxton down her gullet, probably thinking he will soon dissolve in her stomach acids. Little did she know, she was just giving him another free kill. He only allowed himself to be sunk a few dozen feet before he began climbing up again. In doing so, he used his fingers like he was Edward Scissorhands, jabbing them in the meaty throat and pulling it off. The neck shook and swung side to side in a desperate effort to get him to lose his grip. After climbing out of Tartarus, this was a walk in the park for Saxton. He could just keep climbing and destroying to his heart's content. The monster suffered all the way up to her glottis. What's a glottis, you may ask? All you need to know is that snakes use it for breathing. Why would Scylla need to breath? We don't know, and Saxton didn't either, but that shouldn't matter at this moment. What matters is that it was one big hole inside every one of her mouths, and this hole in particular was now a spot for Saxton to dive into. We could go on and describe the rest of a snake's respiratory system and how Saxton wrecked everything he could find inside it, but that would be long and messy, just like what the Australian was doing. Believe us, he killed that serpent brutally and efficiently, and made sure to escape before it went down.

SNAKESLAUGHTER!

Oh, dear readers. Dear, dear readers. We could be here literally all day. With an unspecified number of heads and a vaguely inhuman amount of energy, this entire chapter of the story could have been dedicated to all the different ways Saxton Hale was murdering giant snake heads. Those poor bastards were truly out of their element against a foe like him, we'll tell you that! However, we are on a tight budget, and every word costs us money. So while we could describe every single kill and every single hop and every single near miss… we really couldn't. During these economically adverse times, we must simply ask you to trust on this when we say Saxton Hale slayed the great behemoth that was Scylla. They won't be saying "Between Scylla and Charybdis" anymore, readers, for the Australian has defeated the former. And one day, God willing, the latter will be erased out of that idiom by his hand as well. Saxton was now standing upon a pile of huge, dead vermin. He was pretty proud of himself, until he realized the ship was gone. Throughout the hours he spent fighting Scylla, he did remember hearing some large explosion during the beginning, but he had to stay focused on his opponent lest he be eaten (successfully). Now, the remains of warship were floating in the water, and Saxton had no idea where to go. Once more, his recklessness has led him to miss out some perilous event happening to his companions. Normally, he would have felt remorseful about potentially causing Percy and Annabeth's deaths. But now, he felt all his exhaustion and opened wounds catch up to him. His mind was weak, his eyes heavy. He knew he wasn't going to stay standing much longer. Using the last bits of his energy and the remains of his wits, he dragged himself towards a life preserver that was washed ashore. Even in his tiredness, his sense of adventurism would not allow him to just pass out on a place he was going to wake up on. He didn't want to think of a solution when he woke up, he wanted a solution to think of him, even if it means being stranded in the ocean. Those were his final thoughts as he let the waves carry him away from Scylla's small island and he fell unconscious again.

If this was a "realistic" story or a "story that respects its readers' intelligence", as our critics critically criticized, our protagonist would have died somewhere in the open ocean from dehydration, heatstroke, blood loss, or a random monster deciding to munch on him. But this is a Saxton Hale story! The man, the myth, the legend. When it comes to our intrepid hero, luck would not have it, luck would have him! The Sea of Monsters carried his body through it safely, shielding him from any harm. Indeed, even Kronos did not bother him in his sleep again, although that was partly because our editors advised that we were overusing it and, quote, "third time's not the charm", end quote. Really, all you need to know about how or why Saxton Hale made it from point A to point B in his journey lays in the Gospel: "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters." So when we tell you the sea has brought Saxton's life preserver to the shores of an exotic getaway, you better believe that is the Word of God. A mountainous island greeted Saxton's sleeping body as it washed ashore. The entire place looked like a high-end luxury resort in the Maldives, complete with fancy hotels, an idyllic beach, and a fully-stocked harbor.

"Sir?" A woman's gentle voice woke Saxton up from his slumber. He rose with a mix of feeling great and terrible. While he was fully rested, his wounds were still open and were exposed to rough sand and salty seawater for a long time. Saxton looked at the lady in front of him, who looked like Pan Am's number one stewardess in both company and customer satisfaction. He hasn't seen someone this dolled up in a while. "Are you… okay, sir? You just, well, run aground here, so to speak."

"I…" Saxton rubbed his eyes. How long was he floating for? How the hell did he get here? "I'm feelin' dodgy as. What is this place, Back of Bourke?"

"No, sir. This is C.C.'s Spa and Resort!" She said, smiling. "And you certainly look like you could use both, sir."

"Sorry, Sheila, I don't got any dosh." Saxton said. That was technically a lie, since he did have his Australium belt buckle and lid, any of which could have been used to buy this entire place and everyone who works here. But he wasn't going to spend them just yet.

"Dosh?" The woman raised her eyebrow.

"Money, ma'am, don't got no money."

"Oh, haha, sir! You don't need any money here! The treatment's free of charge."

After what he went through at Lotus Hotel and Casino, you'd think Saxton would be wary of places that offer expensive services for free. And you'd be right! "Uhhh… free? No offense, but nothing's free in this world." Saxton crossed his arms. "What's the catch?"

The lady laughed. "No catch! Please, just follow me." With that, she turned around and walked towards what looked like the main building, leaving Saxton with the polite duty of following her. "Sir, you're going to love it here! Michelin Star chefs, a full massage spa, private huts, exercise facilities and all the comforts of this luxury island resort will be made available to you here. All you need to do is simply meet with C.C.!"

"Who's C.C.?"

"Our leader!" She replied cheerfully. "Honestly, I should let her do all the introduction. While we're headed there, why don't you tell me what is it that you want to do most here?"

"Hmmm…" Saxton looked around while they walked. This place truly was a paradise. But for some strange reason he only saw other women here, and no men. "Y'all got gorilla fighting?"

"What?" The question nearly stopped the woman in her tracks. "I… well… we do have a lot of animals fighting here, yes. You'll participate in that soon."

She said that as they passed by a leopard sleeping on a diving board. That was enough to make Saxton happy. "Good. Oh, say, did anyone else wash up here recently? Young boys, girls?" He tried interrogating her, almost forgetting what's important.

"We're here!" She said without answering the question. They had entered the main building, and were now standing in front of the entrance of a big room. "Go ahead, C.C.'s waiting for you." She waited for Saxton to enter, and again Saxton was forced to be polite and do as she said. He entered, and was instantly bedazzled by the beauty of the place. Windows and mirrors covered it from all sides, with furniture as costly as the ones back in his office. The only odd thing here was the presence of a cage containing guinea pigs in one corner, but Saxton wasn't going to judge people too much on their taste in pets. Especially not when their likely owner was in the center of the room, next to a giant loom.

"Welcome, dear." The lady of the loom said in an enchanting voice. She was a very beautiful woman with long dark hair braided with threads of gold and piercing green eyes. Her dress was… well, all Saxton could think of her dress is that if he bought it for his love Margaret, she'd kill him for getting her something so posh. "Reyna? Please keep our other guest with Hylla busy for a little longer. This one looks like a high maintenance gentleman." She winked at him, which made him sense safety on the spot.

"Yes, Miss C.C." The stewardess nodded, leaving the room.

"Well, good sir, it is a pleasure to meet you." C.C. said. "May I ask your name?"

"Saxton Hale, my lady. At your service." Saxton usually wasn't this servile to women, even ones like this, but something in her voice compelled him to respect her.

"Ah, what a lovely name, for a lovely man." She sighed. "Well, almost lovely."

"I beg your pardon?" Saxton was puzzled. Almost lovely? He didn't know why, but he wanted to please this woman.

"It's not even your fault, is it? Look at you. All these cuts and bruises. Those surgery stitches. That dried blood. You have been through a battle recently, haven't you?"

"Yes I did, lady. But everything will heal!" Saxton countered. "Until then, I will wear these wounds with pride!" He said proudly, almost regaining his confidence, only to have it taken away from him when C.C. tsk-tsked.

"No, no, you can't keep going like this. Your manly beauty needs to be highlighted, not hidden behind all these nasty injuries. And they may heal, but it will take a long time and will leave behind scars that will forever harm your image. No." She walked over to one of the mirrors. "Come, see what I am talking about." Saxton followed her, mildly disturbed by all the guinea pigs screeching at him from the other side. "Look." His view switched to the mirror and he understood what she meant right there. He wasn't the handsome man he knew and loved anymore. He was an ugly duckling, tainted by too much scarring to be called good looking. This lady was right. When people think of Saxton Hale, they don't imagine a battle-scarred shell of a man. They imagine a barrel-chested beach bully.

"Hmph, I… maybe… Bloody Oath, Sheila, you're right! I do look dodgy." Saxton exclaimed. "How the hell do we solve this?!"

"Solve this? Oh, dear Saxton, we can do so much more than just solve it." C.C. chuckled. "Watch." She snapped her fingers and gestured towards the mirror. Saxton still saw himself there… but better. Not only were all the damages gone from his form, he looked exceptional. Cheekbones that could break rocks, a chin that could mine gold, a moustache with perfect hairiness and shape. His figure was at least a foot taller or more, and his muscles 10 inches thicker in both arms and legs. His abs were ridiculously huge: Years ago, he told Margaret that six is the max abdominal muscles God gives you, yet now God apparently decided he deserves a dozen. His chest hair wasn't just shaped like Australia anymore, it might have well been the actual size of Australia. And not just Australia – the entirety of Oceania was now on his chest. Even Tasmania was there, finally! That island never joined the rest of his hairy map.

"CRIKEY!" Saxton was at a loss for words. It truly cannot be expressed how cartoonishly manly he looked, readers, it was like one of those freakish AI-generated artworks of muscular men. "What did you do to me, you fully sick beaut?!"

"Nothing yet, Mr. Hale. This is only a preview of what is about to come…" She presented him with what looked like a strawberry milkshake. "All you need to do, is drink this, and the image in the mirror will become reali-" She didn't get to finish her sentence before Saxton snatched the drink out of her hand and drank it in one second.

"You little ripper!" Saxton licked his lips. "I owe ya one for that, lass!"

"No you don't." She responded, her tone more casual now. "You paid me by drinking it."

Saxton was about to ask her what she meant when suddenly, a burning sensation lit up inside him. It was like someone threw a Molotov cocktail down his throat and it landed in his stomach. "Zounds!" Saxton groaned. He would only say words ridicules as these if he was in severe pain. "What… what the bloody hell was inside that thing?"

"Everything a man needs." C.C. answered plainly.

Saxton looked up at C.C., dazed and confused. Wait, up? For some reason, C.C. was now towering over him. Saxton tried asking her, "what did you do me, you crazy *& %$?!" but all that came out of his mouth was animalistic yipping. Yipping that he strangely remembered from somewhere. He looked at his hands and saw black paws with sharp claws on them… oh, and all of his body was covered in grey and white fur.

"What in Tartarus?" Her smug smile was replaced with an expression as surprised as Saxton's. "Why aren't you a guinea pig? The potion has never failed turning you men to guinea pigs!"

And yet, the potion failed. Magic was a powerful weapon, but it met an equal: Australium. Saxton Hale had enough residue of that stuff left in his body to fight any threat as if it was a second immune system. C.C.'s potion worked in turning him to an animal, but not a tiny rodent. Saxton looked back at the mirror and gasped, unlocking a core memory about one of his products: Watch as your enemies quake in fear at the sight of this tiny koala! Hear them scream at his horrifying little hat! Smell them reel in alarm at how deviously small it is! Warning: You may not be able to stand the terror yourself!

"You are too big for my cage!" C.C. complained. "Where am I supposed to put you? How did your clothes shrink with you!?" She was right. Saxton was still wearing everything he wore in person: Akubra, shorts, belt, and boots. It would make a killer plushie…

"Miss C.C.?" Annabeth's voice interrupted the staring contest between Saxton and the magician.

C.C. cussed something in ancient Greek. "You cursed marsupial! Wait here until I decide what to do with you." Before Saxton could react, C.C. grabbed him and tossed him into the nearest cupboard, using its built-in lock to trap him inside. He heard Annabeth's voice from inside it, but it was muffled. She was asking where's Percy. At least now I know that these two kiddos are here too, Saxton thought to himself, not dwelling on what a coincidence it was for him to end up on this island just in time for this whole fiasco to occur. No, he had more important business to attend to: Getting out of here. Like any trapped wild animal, his first reaction was natural: Furiously bang on the locked drawer he was behind and scream his koala lungs out. Sadly, koalas aren't very strong or loud for that matter, and his alarms fell on deaf ears as he heard the conversation outside continue normally. Saxton yipped in anger. How dare this witch turn me into a helpless, adorable animal! This was so humiliating. How could he let her get the better of him? Merasmus never got the chance, but this lady managed to twist him around her little finger until he couldn't twist her under his little finger! Saxton was helpless. He paced around the drawer's interior, growing hopeless. He could barely hear what they were saying outside, and it honestly didn't matter to him. I'm useless now, he thought, as he sat down and his eyes slunk to the mustache-shaped black patch under his nose.

Wait. What? He focused on it. The light coming from the crack of the drawer was dim, but he could still see it: In lieu of his typical facial hair, the dark outline of his stache was still visible on his face. His gaze fell further down and he realized the map of his country also remained on his little belly. Its blackness helped it contrast with the surrounding greyness of his fur. Now that he thought about it, it wasn't such a little belly. Saxton was no koala expert, but he didn't remember these things being so big. Was it possible he was actually transformed into the extinct giant koala? His weight and size would match it. But his claws didn't, since all 20 of them were sharp as nails. He opened his mouth and played with his teeth. He wasn't a Pleistocene expert either, but he was pretty sure even giant koalas didn't have fangs this mean. Above all else, he was not a koala psychologist, but he never thought these animals harbored so much natural rage and hatred in their hearts as he felt here, completely independent of his personal rage and hatred against C.C. A thought creeped into his mind: What if this witch's potion failed even worse than she thought? What if his predicament was just a matter of perspective? What if, Saxton needed to stop thinking of himself as a hapless marsupial… and realized he was actually a drop bear?

Saxton's fists balled up. He wouldn't let himself be a cute zoo animal you can pick up and hug to your heart's content. Oh no. He would be the man-eating terror of any tourist who trespassed on Australian lands. He won't let a crappy wooden drawer with a basic metal lock stop him from enacting his revenge. The only thing he will let out is a guttural Phascolarctos roar. Slamming his paws at the drawer, his claws carved up the wood until a sufficiently large hole was made in it for him to escape the cupboard. He dropped beared out and found himself in a strange scene: Two of C.C.'s assistants, one of them being the girl Saxton followed, stood in the center of the exit to the room with their arms raised like they were casting a spell. Opposite of them, Annabeth was holding C.C.'s hostage with a bronze dagger. They all looked like there was quite a commotion going on before Saxton showed up. "What… is that?" Annabeth raised the question everyone wanted to know. C.C. and her servants looked equally surprised. He would only learn why later – he no longer looked like a koala. He looked like a monster.

KOALA NOT COMPACT!

Saxton released a blood-curdling squeak and stormed his foes. Annabeth wisely got out of the way to let Saxton leap off the ground and attach himself to C.C.'s face. Not a second later and the witch screeched as he used claws and fangs to give her a really bad day. She ran out of the room, causing her assistants to flee as if she had the flees. Saxton stayed on her the entire time, scratching and biting just about everywhere he can. Readers, this event was not PG-13. C.C.'s everything was slashed: Her dress, her skin, her flesh, her bones. Once they got outside she begged for her helpers to help her, yet they couldn't do a thing with how much Saxton was throwing her around. If they tried getting too close, he would swipe or bite in their direction and they quickly backed off. Eventually, he got tired of their presence altogether and dropped from C.C. to scare them away, grunting at them loudly and giving them a short chase to send them scurrying. When he turned back to keep attacking C.C., she was escaping as well. There was too much blood in her eyes to use any of her spells, and she wasn't going to stick around to find out when will he be back.

"Hey, there he is!" Saxton heard Percy's voice pointed at him. He looked to see him and Annabeth running towards him. "Why… I saw her turning you to a koala. How did you become… whatever this is?" Percy wondered.

Saxton grunted and beat on his chest like a gorilla. Despite the surge of confidence he achieved, he did not want to stay a drop bear for the rest of his life. His scary eyes stared at Percy with a pleading expression. "Here, take this." Annabeth said, kneeling to give Saxton what looked like a vitamin. He used one of his talons like a fork to pluck it off her hand and eat it. Then, he sensed a fire inside him, not a physical one like when C.C. turned him, but an emotional one. Within less than a minute, his body grew and grew until he didn't think like an animal anymore. He was a Mann again, with lovely brown hair on his pink skin. Even better, all his wounds were healed. He didn't look like the fantasy version of himself in C.C.'s mirror, but he was healthy and ready to party.

SAXTON HALE!

"Ouch! What the hell?" The two had to shield their eyes as Saxton's flexing temporarily blinded them.

"Oh, sorry, happens if I'm not careful." He apologized, in his deep manly Australian voice that he was so happy wasn't marsupial grunting anymore. "You bonzer ankle biting duo! I'm now forever in your debt!" He laughed.

"Yeah, uh, don't mention it." Percy rubbed his eyes, wondering if he imagined Saxton's muscles glowing that bright.

"What the hell happened? How did you two get here? Why are there pirates running loose?" The last question was asked because he just noticed that there were a bunch of 18th-century boat-borne attackers destroying everything on the resort.

"Oh right, about that." Percy almost forgot about the literal Blackbeard and his crew destroying Circe's (or C.C.'s, as Saxton still only knew her as) island. After Saxton scared off Circe and her servants, Annabeth fed him and the other guinea pigs Hermes' magical multivitamins. For better or worse, those other guinea pigs turned out to be Edward Teach and his gang. "Look, we'll tell you everything later. We need to get out of here."

"Aye! Hell, don't even tell everything! Actions speak louder than words!" Saxton said and ran together with the kids towards the harbor. "Which vessel are we commandeering, mates?"

The group fell quiet for a few seconds as Percy desperately scanned the various aircraft and boats from all centuries present on the dock, all vehicles of Circe's past victims. "There." Percy pointed at a wooden frigate.

Annabeth blinked. "But-"

"I can make it work." Percy replied.

"How?" She asked.

"I'll show you how!" Saxton claimed. "I'll row this skiff with my BARE HANDS!" He promised whilst they ran to the pirate ship.

"Argggh!" A pirate yelled somewhere behind them. "Those scalawags are a-boarding me vessel! Get 'em, lads!"

"We'll never get going in time!" Annabeth yelled as she and Percy boarded.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Saxton stayed below. "And I do!"

"NO!" Annabeth's yell almost scared Saxton from its suddenness. "For Gods' sakes, just stop trying to fight everything and get up here!"

"B-But…" Saxton stuttered. "I will… I am going to sacrifice my life valiantly for your safe pass-"

"No, you won't! You're only looking for another cheap thrill!" Saxton winced at those words. They were true, obviously, but the truth always hurts. "For once in your life, give up on a 'good fight' and join us!"

Saxton never thought about that option. Give up once on a good fight? Hasn't this world made him give up too many fights? All those gods, Dionysus, Hades, Ares, all cowards who he knew he couldn't beat the hell out of because they'd turn him to an animal like C.C. did. Fighting things is the one salvation this world gave him! He looked at the pirates who were running to stop them. They all found swords, which would make fighting them slightly more rewarding than if they were unarmed. Slightly being the key word here, since they were just normal humans. He had no doubt in his mind that he would wipe the floor with them and be back to the ship before it sailed a single nautical mile. And this is what Annabeth was talking about: It was a cheap thrill. A way for him to let off some steam by breaking some men's bones. There was nothing truly exciting here, no more than opening a bag of chips was exciting. A temporary satisfaction, and then he would feel empty inside until the next battle came to him (or until the next bag of chips you would open, if we're staying with that analogy). Annabeth was right. He needed to learn not to pursue every challenge. He didn't to prove himself at every confrontation. He was… Saxton Halenough.

"Eh… fine. For once." He told Annabeth and embarked the ship too.

"Thank you." She said, heartfully. "Now, Percy, how are we going to sail this-"

"Mizzenmast!" Percy yelled.

Annabeth looked at Percy like he was nuts while Saxton looked at the approaching pirates with hopes that they will get close enough to give him a good excuse to fight. But in the next second, the air was filled with whistling sounds of ropes being snapped taut, canvases unfurling, and wooden pulleys creaking.

Annabeth ducked as a cable flew over her head and wrapped itself around the bowsprit. "Percy, how…"

Percy didn't answer. And that made Saxton sad, since that must have meant it was divine intervention to stop the Australian from having a fighty farewell to the island. He watched the pirates gradually become small dots on the horizon as Percy magically willed the ship to sail. His sigh was the last emotional reaction we are able to write here, first because including Saxton Hale's deep moral quanders is grounds for being victims of homicide, and second because our budget for this chapter just ended.

Author's Note:

Wow. Over half a year since the last chapter. Time flies when you have little motivation. In fact, I was beginning to lose hope I'd ever write another chapter. "Woe is me! I am such a bad writer, I can't do it!" Then Valve releases the Summer Update, and what do we get? VS Saxton Hale. And when Valve gives more respect to their character than you, who's supposed to be writing a story about him… I knew I had to get to work. Now, I can only hope this one was enjoyable enough that it was worth reading, because it certainly wasn't worth the wait.

To Chekov (about your October 5, 2022 review): I agree. I had a bad feeling about it that joke I should have listened to. I wanted to do someting with Saxton's name that wasn't the infamous anagram, and in the end fell flat on the edginess, humor, and originality aspects. That one was a cut below the rest.

As for how does Hermes know Scout? Good question. No good answers. Maybe because gods in Percy Jackson have lore-based minor omniscience (sometimes they can read minds, sometimes they know the future). Maybe Merasmus' arrival left a residue of teleportation that let divine beings peek into the other universe. Maybe because Hermes is the messenger god, and the TF2 Capital-G God sent him a message about this awesome mercenary that all the ladies in the multiverse should hear about. Maybe the description of the Cross-Com Express is canon, and Scout once moved so much faster than light he traveled between universes and Hermes saw him and said, "damn, that guy's pretty cool!". At any case, the answer is certainly not that the heroic editors "smoked something", as that would imply poor decision making. And as we know, the editors are infallible.

To bobtheblobe: Don't worry, this fic isn't dead yet. Think of it as… sick with cancer, that occasionally becomes terminal and drops the fic into its deathbed before it heals up. Yeah, that's a good analogy, right?

To everyone else: I am sorry again for the delay. To be honest, I only got my head out of the gutter to write this chapter because Valve announced a new TF2 update (and then needed more motivation from the Summer Update), so I thought that if Valve can do it, so could I.