Sorry for the longer than usual gap. Blame Larian
Lazily, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi picked up the report paper, only to panic for a moment when she realized she couldn't make out a single word of the text. She moved her hand closer to the laptop monitor, thinking it might be the lighting that was the problem, but the document remained illegible. It took her a moment to realize that she wasn't wearing her glasses. Sighing, she reached over to the bedside table. She felt the soft texture of the glasses case after rummaging through the clutter.
What a way to remind you you're old, she thought as she put on her glasses. She increased the resolution of all of her work computers a long time ago so she didn't have problems reading anything on them, but she couldn't do the same with standard-format printouts.
How old was I when my mother was the age I am now?
As she thought so, she heard a groan from behind. The sheets rustled. A hand, rough and warm, came to rest lightly on her back dimple. Ritsuko shifted her hips slightly forward to get away from it, smiling. The laptop on her lap wobbled a bit.
"Woke up? It's a little early."
A snort. "Someone's making a lot of noise. With a computer on, even."
"Someone gave me quite a tight deadline." Ritsuko glanced at the part of the report she meant to check, then shifted her eyes to the monitor.
At the periphery of her vision, she saw Gendo Ikari pick up a bowl of water from the nightstand next to the bed and pour it into a glass. The sound of running water, then the sound of a gulp. It was quite ravenous and loud. It was understandable. He sweated quite a bit, after all.
Gendo cleared his throat. "I remember someone not liking it when I brought work to this place."
It was Ritsuko's turn to snort. "Who was it who threw me a completely unexpected and extremely urgent task?"
The futon rustled, then his beard brushed against Ritsuko's bare skin as he tilted his head over her shoulder.
"So this is the second letter."
Ritsuko gave a small nod. "Yes. Technical advice. As you ordered."
The kind that would not blow up the entire base, or cause another disaster on a similar scale. The differences between it and all the faulty advice letters that were sent before, and the ones that were written and prepared to send even now, were so minuscule and subtle that very few people would even notice them. Ritsuko would have plenty of wiggle room even if things went awry. It was a level of deception that required a total and perfect mastery of the subject, quite impossible to even attempt for anyone but the highest living authority of Project E herself. Ritsuko was quite proud of the whole thing, honestly.
A warm breath tickled Ritsuko's ear as Gendo opened his mouth.
"The entire Nevada branch. Three thousand five hundred people. An Evangelion and a pilot. How does it feel to have the power to decide their lives and deaths?"
Without a conscious effort to do so, her throat let out a 'hah' sound. "I'm not the one who decides which of the two letters we send."
"But your input has weight. Quite a lot, I'd even say."
I doubt that, she didn't say, not giving voice to the thought that immediately popped into her head. She didn't really want to open that can of…whatever foul things.
"I'm not sure this is wise."
The answer came back sooner than she expected, in a nonchalant tone. "I agree. That's why I ordered you to have both options ready, so we can choose one when we're sure."
"I'm questioning the need for the second option."
They had already argued about this before, and she had a feeling that this would be a repeat of that pointless discussion, contrary to his words about the weight of her advice. But Ritsuko couldn't help herself.
"As I told you before, the emergence of two production models with the Super Solenoid Engine would add too much uncertainty to the situation. That was the whole point of the sabotage in the first place, wasn't it? The sabotage you ordered."
Theoretically, both Unit-03 and Unit-04 were to be delivered to Tokyo-3 NERV headquarters as soon as they were built in the United States. Just as the Berlin branch sent Unit-02 as soon as it was pronounced ready for combat. However, NERV's two North American branches and everything that was happening there were strongly influenced by the U.S. government, and no one, including Gendo and Ritsuko, believed the U.S. government would meekly follow through with the prior agreements without raising some kind of ruckus. The construction of those Units on U.S. soil itself was the result of the American government's strong insistence after their late entrance to the project.
To be fair, NERV's budget wasn't exactly transparent. The titanic amount of funding it required to operate, which was almost solely dependent on taxes collected from UN member countries, would be cause for complaint anywhere. In addition, the top-secret nature of the organization meant that the public couldn't even witness a return on their investment. These factors, combined with the poor economic conditions in the United States, meant that a political storm was brewing that even SEELE wouldn't be able to fully rein in.
Both Congress and the executive branch have been raising inflammatory rhetoric against NERV for months now. The previous administration had held a much more favorable attitude towards NERV in comparison to its successor. It was probably why the two Eva units had been built in the first place, and why things were so troublesome now.
Gendo gave a small snort. "That doesn't mean we shouldn't prepare for the best-case scenario."
Ritsuko looked back at Gendo, frowning. She was met with calm, indifferent eyes. She chewed her lip slightly.
"That scenario never existed. Even if it did, any possibility disappeared the moment they passed the resolution."
"We already dealt with that."
"Oh sure we did. Instead of two US pilots, it's one US pilot and one from us. Quite a compromise."
"Both of them went through the Marduk Institute screening. The nationality of the pilot is totally meaningless anyway. We picked a German one to appease the German government back then. Is she in any way under her country's influence?"
The fact that he was spouting that Marduk bullshit, even though they were alone, almost dumbfounded Ritsuko.
"You mean we disappeared an American employee and made up all those pretty letters and stamped them and sent them to ourselves. And yes, it doesn't matter what nationality the pilot is. Like you said, we already have a German one and it doesn't matter in the slightest. What matters is the fact that the American government is blatantly demonstrating its intent to intervene in the operation and ownership of the Evangelions, and that the Committee, which supposedly has complete control of the core bureaucracy and mass media, was unable to nip the attempt in the bud and has instead been forced to make a compromise. Or -"
"Or," Gendo quietly interrupted. "The old men of the Committee weren't forced at all, and it was their choice to either push or allow such pressure to build in the American political zeitgeist. If so, then the compromise, while ostensibly a political compromise between the U.S. government and the UN Human Instrumentality Committee, would be a warning from SEELE to me."
Ritsuko studied his face wordlessly. Gendo slowly backed away from her and leaned against the backrest of the bed. "I'm not unaware of such factors, doctor. And I know what you're thinking. We think in a similar way. After all, we're kindred souls."
A sneer. As if saying he thought he had her wrapped around his finger.
Or the smile of a co-conspirator. As if saying you and I alone share a secret that would make the world tremble.
Feeling something weird in her stomach, Ritsuko tilted her head slightly. Whenever she saw that specific face from him she wanted to ask which it was. She wanted to kiss those lips and have her answer. And she wanted to slap herself for being foolish.
"Is that so? Then I suppose you're looking for the possibility of additional resources for the exact reason I'm thinking of right now. Am I right, Commander?"
Gendo's smile froze. It was a subtle change, neither visible to the untrained eye nor lingering, but Ritsuko saw it all. And she found it rather amusing. Did he really think he could hide something so obvious?
Then the moment passed, and his face relaxed. Gendo raised a hand and stroked his beard slowly.
"You can never have too much cannon fodder."
Ritsuko shrugged.
"Especially if you have reason to doubt the performance of the cannon fodder you already have."
As always with this specific topic, Gendo's face showed that he didn't want to discuss it any further, but as always with this specific topic, Ritsuko felt a weird urge to continue.
"I implied some things to Captain Katsuragi. She's been taking some action ever since. With a little help from our side, we might be able to make what she's doing a permanent measure. Maybe that could save us from this whole American trouble."
"Ah, the captain. I forgot to promote her for her performance in the last battle. She earned it, I think. Might as well do it tomorrow."
Changing the subject was so uncharacteristic of him. Ritsuko frowned slightly when he turned his eyes to the water glass and spoke again.
"There is no such thing as a permanent measure. It's not possible to do something more than what the captain is already doing. Or are you suggesting we should retire one of them? Surely that's not possible. We still need every pilot. And when they become obsolete with the Dummy Plug completed, nothing will matter. We could keep them together. Or separate them. Or send one of them away. Or send both of them away."
Silence fell. Gendo didn't say anything else, and Ritsuko didn't have anything to add either. She went back to her document. For a moment, only the sound of the keyboard clacking echoed in the room. Then Gendo lay down again, rustling the futon.
It had only been drizzling when Shinji left school. He'd had to stay late for cleaning duty, and had been anxiously glancing through the window at the darkening clouds the whole time. By the time he'd gotten two blocks away, the droplets had thickened into a full-scale downpour. He'd ducked into a convenience store, completely drenched. The signs were there - cloudy all day, umbrellas everywhere in school. His prayers for the rain to hold off were in vain.
He wanted to blame the weather forecast, but Tokyo-3's was renowned for its accuracy, being calculated by the MAGI. Honestly he wasn't sure if he checked it this morning. He probably didn't. With all the things occupying his mind the past few days, he didn't have the mental capacity for such frivolities.
Did she get inside in time, or is she as wet and miserable as I am?
Shinji thought about it for a moment, then snorted, pulling the SDAT earbuds out of his ears. He didn't need to worry about Asuka. She'd probably gone straight to headquarters as soon as classes were over. Just like she did for the past few days.
It was 'probably' because Shinji didn't have any idea what she was doing. It had been like that since Monday. After the frustrating and messy fight in the locker room, they didn't talk. At all. They ignored each other at home and at school. They went to school separately. Asuka would disappear, and then come home late at night with Ms. Misato. She at least ate the bentos he left for her on the kitchen counter, but that was the extent of their communication.
It was so awkward when they were in the same room, or even so much as made eye contact. And as the days went by and those occasions piled up, Shinji's resentment did too.
Shinji had never been in a situation like this before, so he had no idea what to do. The Shinji of old would cut ties with people over much smaller disputes than this. A turning of his back. Immediate no contact. Shinji and the other person would go their separate ways. He would cease to acknowledge the other person, as if they never existed.
Shinji lost several 'friends' like that through kindergarten and elementary school. Dramatic and cathartic reconciliations like he had with Misato and Toji were exceptions, not the norm. In fact, such a thing never happened before in his life. No matter the size, or whose fault it was, or the severity of the conflict, he would cut contact at the slightest sign of discord. Better to avoid the pain. Better to not risk it by addressing things. And he never regretted it. Sometimes on a sleepless night, the thought of a missed chance would creep into his mind, but that was it.
This time was different. Shinji wanted to make this work. He didn't want to be uncomfortable around Asuka.
But how?
He had all but given up on initiating conversation. This whole mess was her doing, and she wasn't trying to talk to him either. It was as if she was expecting him to be the one to come up with something and appease her.
It was not like he didn't give her anything, though. Shinji had provided Asuka with a question.
What was he to her?
To be honest, he didn't know what kind of answer he hoped for. It was something that he just blurted out in the heat of the moment. Maybe he shouldn't expect a proper answer, then. It wasn't fair to demand an answer to a question he hadn't even really meant to ask in the first place.
But then again, even if he didn't know what exactly he was expecting, he might have had a vague idea, maybe a hope of a sort. The fact that he didn't want a simple answer like 'my boyfriend' was something they both knew. Asuka's non-answer was, in a way, an answer all on its own.
Shinji sighed, feeling his chest tighten, as was always the case whenever he'd thought about this topic. He didn't expect something he had thought so strong and absolute would be so easily shaken. He wondered why he had ever thought that way in the first place. It's not like they'd known each other for very long at all.
A date. Kisses. And what they almost did that night in the kitchen. The warmth of a hug. Tender feelings. A naked body under the pale moonlight. It all felt like a fever dream now.
To distract himself from his increasingly uncomfortable thoughts, Shinji turned his attention to the shelf in front of him. Plastic umbrellas, things he could use maybe three times at best before breaking, were so ridiculously expensive. They were probably trying to rip off people like him who had no other options. How many salmon filets could I buy with that money, he wondered.
As he picked up the cheapest and the flimsiest-looking transparent umbrella, he heard a familiar voice from behind.
"Shinman! Thought you went home. What are you doing here?"
Shinji flinched. Then he turned around, forcing a smile. He didn't want to be seen looking crestfallen by anyone, much less Toji Suzuhara.
Toji was standing in the narrow aisle between the shelves. He was wearing a school uniform instead of his usual tracksuit, something that was happening more and more often lately, to everyone's surprise. In one hand he held a plastic bag full of something Shinji couldn't see, and in the other, an umbrella. Shinji scratched the back of his head and was about to open his mouth when a girl with pigtails popped out from around the corner. Shinji stifled the groan that almost escaped.
Of course she's with him. She's half of the reason why I have no one to talk to these days.
"Hello, Toji. Class Rep."
"Hey, Ikari. Cleaning duty, right?"
Shinji nodded awkwardly, as Toji looked around. "Where's Soryu? Can't see her."
Shinji felt his throat tightening, making him unable to say anything. The smile on his face seemed to freeze in place. It was the Class Rep who saved him. She grabbed her umbrella by the middle and tapped Toji's head with the handle.
"No one lives here, I see. I just said Ikari was on cleaning duty today."
"Don't do that!" Toji pushed the umbrella away, irritated. "So what? She could have waited, you know. She's his girlfriend, isn't she?"
"Maybe she had a reason not to! How do you know?!"
"Well, I would've still waited if it was me."
"Easier said than done."
"What?! Did you forget I waited ages for you to get out of that class rep meeting or whatever today?
"Oh, great, you're getting loud again. You're so embarrassing to be with, you know that?!"
That was smooth, derailing the argument the moment it went against her, Shinji thought. But it really was a bit loud, too. Shinji cleared his throat. He never liked loud, obnoxious couples.
"Asuka's been busy lately. She's got a lot of work to do at NERV headquarters."
He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. Maybe if they were forced to see each other more they might be forced to reconcile. Or they'd have even more serious fights. He wasn't sure which.
And on top of that, Ms. Misato had suddenly started taking Asuka away. It was obvious that she knew something was wrong between them and was intervening. The problem of Asuka was already overwhelming enough to him, so he tried his best to consciously avoid this subject, but neither of them would tell him anything about what they did so late at night. Not that he'd even bothered asking in the first place. Had Asuka told Ms. Misato anything? About herself? About them? Wondering too hard about what Ms. Misato knew and what she didn't always made him want to rip his hair out and scream.
"Huh, I thought something happened between you and Soryu recently. In class, you guys don't-"
"What are you doing here, Ikari? Buying an umbrella, I guess?"
Shinji nodded, feeling something akin to relief at the class rep's obvious intervention. But at the same time, it raised another suspicion. How much did she know? She must have sensed something too, to stop Toji from embarrassing Shinji with uncomfortable inquiries. Did Asuka talk to her about their fight? Or even more? He hoped not.
"Uh, yeah. I forgot to bring one."
The class rep shook her head. "It's a waste of money. It's what, 300 yen? I bet you could buy three pieces of Norwegian salmon filet if they're on sale. Four, if you're lucky. That's a whole breakfast for three people."
"Nah, that's not enough for breakfast," Toji said, shrugging, before Shinji could respond.
"You eat breakfast?"
There was pure awe in the class rep's voice, making Shinji almost laugh out loud. Toji was incensed, though.
"Of course I do! Why wouldn't I?" Then his whole body shrank about a degree. "Well, that was before my sister got hospitalized. We got no one to cook at home these days..."
Shinji felt a lump in his throat. Toji's sister. He almost forgot.
The class rep didn't even respond to that, looking almost disgusted. She turned back to Shinji. "Take this."
Shinji reflexively accepted the thing that was thrust at him. An orange umbrella, wrapped up, slightly damp. Compact enough to fit in a schoolbag.
Toji spoke first, because Shinji was standing bewildered.
"What are you going to do? If you give him yours?"
"Someone will have to walk me home, I guess."
"But your house is on the opposite side of the train route."
Horaki pointed at the plastic bag that was in Toji's hand, then left the store. Toji blinked. Shinji followed almost reflexively.
The air was damp and cool. It was raining harder than before. The storefront awning was still up, right in front of the convenience store's entrance, giving them some protection from the elements, but a strong wind sent the raindrops flying nearly sideways to splash them. Shinji hurriedly opened the umbrella he was given and placed it over Class Rep's head.
They stood side by side in the damp gray air, with the sound of rain in the background. It was awkward. Horaki was close to Asuka, and apparently had known Toji for some years, too, but she didn't have anything one might call a connection with Shinji. To Shinji, standing together with such a person, shoulders almost touching, was something unthinkable.
Now that she's close with Toji, does that mean I'll have to deal with her more than before?
That was a weird notion. This whole situation was weird and unbelievable, to be honest. Himself and Asuka. The class rep and Toji. All of it. He clenched and unclenched the hand that was holding the umbrella.
Then his thoughts went to Toji's sister. He wondered how she was. He realized that maybe he should have visited her at least once, after befriending Toji. He wondered if Toji and his sister cared. If Toji secretly thought less of him for ignoring his sister.
Shinji's shoulder, which the umbrella didn't cover well, quickly got wet. He couldn't do anything about it. The umbrella wasn't that large. Shinji tilted it slightly in the direction of Horaki so she wouldn't get wet.
It was the class rep who broke the awkward silence. "How are you feeling, Ikari? You've gone through so much in so little time recently, haven't you? Maybe I should have let you off the cleaning duty roster. Along with Asuka, I guess."
Toji's sister completely forgotten for a moment, Shinji stopped his lips from forming a bitter smile. Now that he thought about it, so much had happened lately. Shinji glanced in Horaki's direction, then back to the front again, embarrassed by her gentle smile.
"Yeah. No, I mean, it's okay. The cleaning duty. I can do that."
Shinji had stopped wearing the compression bandages as of yesterday. Whenever his arms throbbed again, he felt cold sweat breaking out all over his body, but that was rare now.
He could see Horaki giving a small nod in the periphery of his vision. And with that, silence descended once again. Shinji glanced in the direction of the store. A middle-aged man was standing at the counter, shouting and pointing at the clerk. The glass wall made it impossible to make out his words. Toji was standing behind the man, arms crossed. When their eyes met, Toji shook his head.
The class rep spoke again.
"Ikari, if you don't mind me asking... How long have you and Asuka... been like that?"
Like what? Shinji almost replied, but stopped himself at the last moment. It had been four days now since Asuka, in her stupid quest to win some stupid argument, had exposed their relationship without consulting him, and not only that, she'd told the whole class a lie about their intimate life. Aside from the fact that he had a hard time forgiving Asuka for that, he also was at the end of his patience. He was tired of being the subject of knowing stares and whispers. It was not the first time he had been the subject of unwanted attention at this school, but this time was not the same.
And Horaki's question was vague enough that it could go either way: how long had they been dating or how long had they been sleeping together. Swallowing past the lump in his throat, he reminded himself that he was talking to Hikari Horaki, the class representative. She might ask Asuka, secretly and timidly, about such a thing, but there was no way she would throw that kind of question at Shinji.
"It hasn't been that long."
"Well, it's not like she's been here that long, either. It's really hard to wrap my head around it sometimes. Whenever I see her transfer entry in the class log I'm genuinely surprised."
Shinji nodded, his eyes still looking forward. She was right. Perhaps even more than she realized. One moment Shinji felt like he'd known Asuka for years, and the next she was a complete stranger to him.
"Hey, Ikari."
Horaki's voice was so quiet it was almost a whisper, and Shinji, who was going through everything that had happened between him and Asuka in his head, almost didn't hear her.
"...Yeah?"
"I looked through school rules, and..."
Shinji glanced back at Class Rep, feeling something was off in her tone. The oddness of the topic, coupled with the way she was blushing and averting her gaze, made Shinji very uneasy. His stomach started to churn. "Rules?"
Horaki nodded quickly.
"Yeah. The ban on dating was repealed long before we got in, so the only sign of it being a thing is the punishment records, all of them several years old."
Shinji couldn't stop the small groan from escaping. The class rep began to talk faster. "But, there's still the, uh, public indecency rule, and the wording of it is very vague... I guess that's the intention but... anyway, the rule is so open to interpretation, and what I'm worrying about isn't even contestable when caught, I think, so, eh..."
Shinji forced his mouth open. Honestly, he couldn't believe he was having this conversation with Hikari Horaki of all people. Maybe her prior question was about...he didn't want to think about it. "What exactly are you worrying about? Can you be specific, please?"
The class rep's face flushed. Even the freckles on her cheeks become bright, bright red. "You two... won't do it at school... would you? Please."
Shinji got the impression that she didn't mean holding hands or kissing or anything like that.
We might not even do that ever again at this rate, in private or in public.
Shinji chewed on his lip at the sudden thought. "You don't need to worry about that."
His voice sounded way lower than he intended. He could see Horaki's shoulders stiffening. Shinji forced a smile, trying to diffuse the situation before it became even more awkward than it already was.
"It's not like there's a place we could do it, even if we wanted to."
At that, Horaki covered her mouth, giggling. "Oh, there are. More than you think. Reading through the punishment record was a blast, you know. They once caught a couple doing it in a cleaning tools locker during recess!"
Shinji remembered the steel lockers that dotted the hallways of the school. Brooms and cleaning supplies and stuff in them. Was there even room to move around inside? Just how?
And of course, the thought naturally led him to imagine himself and Asuka inside one such locker. Shinji gritted his teeth, shaking his head. "That's crazy."
Just as the class rep opened her mouth, smiling, the convenience store's door opened. Both of them turned towards it.
"Sorry! Made you wait a while, heh. Some crazy old motherfucker tried to get a refund for some shit he already ate and wouldn't let the clerk do his job!"
Horaki crossed her arms. "I told you to watch your language, Suzuhara! That's not how you talk about your elders!"
"Why? Not like he could hear me from there!"
She shook her head, turning to Shinji.
"You're going home, right? To the station?"
Shinji nodded.
"We're going to hang out around here for a bit. Guess we should part ways here. Don't forget to return the umbrella tomorrow, okay?"
"Thank you, Class Rep."
As Toji unfolded his umbrella, Horaki leaned slightly toward Shinji and whispered.
"Give her some time, Ikari."
The unexpectedness of it stunned him. He had no answer for that.
Toji waved his hand. "Let's go! See you tomorrow, Shinji!"
Shinji couldn't help but smile awkwardly and nod. Without looking back, Horaki slipped under Toji's umbrella and the two of them began walking away, side by side..
And then they started to argue about something when they went barely ten steps away from Shinji, waving their hands wildly. Shinji felt his mouth curving upward at the sight, only to freeze at the next moment as something cold filled his heart.
Horaki, like the last time she visited his home, was interfering without knowing anything. He hadn't even asked for help, and frankly, he felt it was presumptuous. She was close to Asuka, yes, but she barely knew Shinji. She might have been right last time, now that he thought about it, but it was probably by pure chance. She didn't really know that much about what happened between him and Asuka back then, and he doubted Asuka would have confided in her about what happened between them recently. Horaki was making a lot of assumptions. She was perceptive enough, but the only real clue she had was the mess Asuka made at school on Monday. She didn't know what happened at their home. It made her arrogant. Obnoxious. Trying to offer cheap, feel-good advice without knowing the full story. She was meddlesome. It was unpleasant. He didn't like it.
But Shinji realized that there was something else on his mind. After a moment, he realized that he was jealous of Toji and the class rep. Of how happy they seemed. While he, for reasons he didn't know or understand, couldn't even talk to his girlfriend.
He knew how petty and bitter that was. One of them was the only friend left to him, and the other was a kind classmate who helped him whenever she could, even when he didn't ask, even when she didn't have any obligation to do so. And their happiness hadn't come from taking something away from Shinji and Asuka.
I'm such a spiteful piece of trash.
Shinji sighed, shaking his head. Raindrops plopped in a small puddle near his feet.
There was a test scheduled at HQ this evening. It was going to be the first test since the last time they fought.
If I lose to Asuka again, and have a lower synchronization rate than her for the second time in a row, would she talk to me again? Like the way she tried to talk to me in the locker room last time, as if nothing had happened? And if that happens, should I just go along with it?
It didn't feel right. Asuka acting as if nothing had happened as soon as the test results came back in her favor only managed to make him angry. Maybe almost as much as he'd been over what had happened at school. No, now that he thought of it, he was definitely more angry over her actions after the test.
But what if the consequence of expressing that anger was another fight? A repeat of the last few days, or worse, an even more severe strain on their relationship?
Conversely, what would be the reward of just letting her have her way?
Only then did he realize that he had faced a similar choice with Asuka already.
Kensuke's letter.
A choice between keeping his dignity or bending to Asuka's demands.
The possible outcomes he faced then were also similar to those he faced now.
On the one hand, a crisis. Painful. Unjust. On the other, unimaginable pleasure. The kind that would melt his body and mind.
And Shinji wanted the pleasure. He wasn't sure if he could refuse it when the time came. If Asuka tried to do something half-hearted and stupid, like trying to strike up an awkward conversation in the locker room or something, he would be able to push her away, like he did before. But if she came to his room at night, as she had in his dream, he would definitely crumble.
Shinji remembered what he had seen, what he had almost tasted, on that fateful night. The heat and softness hugging his body.
He imagined himself lying with Asuka in his bed. Asuka moaning and clinging to him, just like she did in the HQ lounge. With her eyes full of desire. Wanting him.
It felt infinitely better than this cold war they were doing, the price be damned.
And that's all I can think of, even now. Her body.
Shinji squeezed his eyes shut. The patter of rain mingled with the sound of the argument from inside the store, filling his darkened world.
"Aren't they supposed to have artificial rain or something here?"
Asuka wiped her brow with the back of the hand that wasn't holding the watering can. The cotton gloves she was wearing were damp from doing the exact same thing so many times. And the motion of raising her arm sent a bead of sweat tracking down the length of it until it reached her side The sensation made her shudder. It wasn't just her face. Her armpits were clammy, sweat was constantly trickling down her back, and her whole body felt gross and disgusting.
Rain was pouring on the surface above, and the Geofront, relying on skylight windows for lighting, was gray and gloomy too. Not a single raindrop from above was touching this underground cavern, but somehow the whole place was as hot and humid as a sauna.
The impracticality of her uniform pissed her off. It had been summer for fifteen years. She would have thought they'd have perfected the design by now. The flowy skirt and short sleeves were great, she could give them that, but the shoulder straps on the skirts were unnecessarily cumbersome and acted as an extra layer on her upper body, and both the blouse and skirt were made of polyester, which was bad when you sweated. Really bad.
It suddenly occurred to her that maybe, maybe her hairstyle was making the heat worse. Long, flowing hair couldn't be good in this weather, could it? It was something she felt the moment she set foot in this country. But of course, Asuka wasn't willing to compromise even a tiny bit on her precious hair, so the consideration ended right then and there.
And not like her hair, or her uniform, or even the weather itself was the main culprit behind her gross state. It was the fault of a certain captain who had been summoning her to NERV headquarters as soon as school was over for the past few days.
No, she's a major now.
Asuka snorted. Yeah,Misato's promotion was one of the reasons she was this sweaty. Asuka tossed the empty watering can to the furrow she'd just finished watering and squatted down on top of the nearest watermelon. It wobbled for a moment but regained its balance soon enough and became a quite nice stool. Mr. Kaji had his back to her, humming some old song she didn't know, and was watering the watermelons. Very slowly. He was barely halfway down his furrow by the time Asuka was done with her own, which was exactly the same length as his. Asuka sighed and wiped the sweat from her brow again.
For the past four days, from the day after she fought with Shinji after the sync test, Asuka had been called to headquarters after school, ostensibly to "assist the Operations Director". It was highly suspicious from the get-go. Well, if she was to give it a logical explanation, it wouldn't be impossible that Misato wanted the perspective of a veteran pilot in order to make things easier for them. But somehow Asuka felt Misato wasn't calling her for such things.
And it didn't take long for her hunch to be proven right. Misato made no attempt to hide the fact that "assistance" or whatever was just an excuse. Asuka was ordered to clean the office, file some papers, and make coffee. And when there was literally nothing else for her to do, she just sat and chit-chatted with Misato about nothing in particular. And today, Misato was having a party for her special promotion with her staff, so Asuka was dumped on Mr. Kaji like a troublesome child on a babysitter. It was him who brought her to this goddamn watermelon field.
Normally, Asuka would have scoffed and rejected this whole farce, but for once, she was doing everything she was told with minimal complaints. The moment Asuka pointed out that she knew Misato wasn't calling her because she actually needed help, they would have to discuss the real reason. And Asuka wasn't ready or willing to have such a conversation.
And it also made Asuka afraid. Because it raised a serious question. Almost frightening. Being Misato's little errand girl was infinitely better than thinking about that dreaded question.
How much did Misato know? What pushed her to resort to this? Was it really just to keep Asuka away from Shinji?
There was no doubt this was about Shinji. About the tension between him and her, so thick and obvious that Misato couldn't possibly miss it. But how much did she actually know about the reasons behind it?
Asuka understood from the start that she couldn't hide much from Misato. It was something she was fairly aware of. Or at least she thought so. She knew that she didn't really have privacy, with bodyguards always on her tail, and with Misato and Shinji in that small and definitely not sound-proof house. Hiding her relationship with Shinji was such an unrealistic idea, an idea that might only work in some dumb romantic comedy movie or something. So Asuka certainly did not expect Misato to be completely ignorant of their recent conflict.
But something must have served as a major trigger for Misato to act like this immediately, and in such a disruptful way. Asuka doubted the things she and Shinji showed to Misato - crestfallen faces, extremely reduced talking - were enough to warrant such an extreme reaction.
It's because of our sync rate. Because mine and the Idiot's were all over the place. I shouldn't be surprised. We're the only two good pilots and our values suddenly fluctuated. Of course they're freaking out.
But what if that wasn't everything?
What if Misato knew about what happened that night, and decided that they were crossing the line and needed to be stopped?
Asuka felt lightheaded whenever she considered that specific possibility. Come to think of it, it wasn't really that impossible that Misato heard about what Asuka had said at school. Maybe she had gotten the wrong impression of what Asuka and Shinji were doing.
What was more frustrating was that Asuka couldn't decide what to think about such a scenario. After all, it was completely her choice to do what she did at school. To regret it was to regret her own behavior. To regret it also meant she should regret it if she... did it with Shinji. That didn't sound right. Not at all.
But what if the consequences of her actions were catastrophic?
And it was almost disturbing to think that all these topics that were causing her a headache were strictly limited to Misato. The thought of what to do with Shinji, something she also should deal with, made her want to scream out of frustration.
What the hell is wrong with him anyway?
Biting her lip, Asuka turned her gaze to the blue fake horizon in the distance. Through the humid air, she saw the blurry line of a train snaking up the wall of the cavern. Mr. Kaji had almost reached the end of his furrow, a good distance from where he'd been standing earlier, but it looked frustratingly slow in her eyes.
Asuka shook her head and thought of Shinji again. Really. What the hell was wrong with him? There was no way he was still angry over what happened at school. Strictly speaking, she hadn't consulted with him, sure, and it was also true she exaggerated some things a little for a better reaction. But it wasn't as big a deal as it sounded.
With Shinji's suspension over, their relationship was bound to become known anyway. And they actually discussed it the night before they defeated the last Angel. That Asuka had no intention of hiding him. Or being ashamed of their relationship. A lot of things happened that night and the morning that followed, but she definitely told him, sitting on his lap in the cool, dark lounge.
The implication she threw to kids was, well, whatever. Wouldn't it be weird if a girl and a boy who lived in the same house and were dating each other didn't do it? It was a natural thing in Asuka's eyes, nothing to be ashamed of. Well, they failed to actually do it so far, with things unfortunately getting out of hand, but in her eyes it was still only a matter of time.
Then why is he angry, then? Is he ashamed of me? Was he hoping to hide that he's dating me?
Asuka found herself returning to this question. It was not the first time. Shinji had denied it in the past, but every time Asuka started to believe it for good, she found a reason to doubt it, and this time was no different. And it was a different issue than whether or not Shinji liked her. She was past that point now, at least.
Asuka was well aware that she didn't fit the image of desirable girlfriend material most Japanese people held. It was the way she looked, the way she spoke, and the way she acted. She knew she stood out like a sore thumb wherever she went. And she also knew the attention she drew wasn't always positive. Even on her first date, she was stared at by men, women, and children alike. It was understandable, then, for an introverted boy like Shinji to not like it. Maybe that explained why he was angry over last Monday's conversation. Even though he ostensibly denied that he was embarrassed.
And the thought made her angry. Asuka wasn't ashamed of Shinji. There was a time when she thought of him as a nepo kid, not worthy to be her comrade, a second-rate pilot, but not now. He was hers now, and Asuka Langley Soryu never kept mediocre things on her person. She must have made mistakes when she first met him, that was all. And to think of him being ashamed of her when she was like this. The audacity of it.
Second-rate pilot.
Asuka didn't know why her mind suddenly got fixated on that phrase. Maybe it was her subconscious at work; her deep-seated fear that she might be the second-rate one.
That's ridiculous.
Asuka shook her head, pushing the absurd thought away. Their sync rates returned to normal. There was the matter of performance issues, but really, it wasn't Asuka's fault that Shinji had more luck than her. Battle was like that by nature; it was complex and full of unexpected variables. It wasn't like it was her fault that, for example, the Angel didn't fall to her assigned station in the last battle. A pilot's true skill, then, should be judged by objective numbers.
And now that that objective number, the synchronization rate, was back to normal, shouldn't their relationship be back to normal as well? Actually, it took a lot of concession on Asuka's part to try to move on from this issue this easily. As much as she hated to admit it, losing to Shinji in the last battle, coupled with all the random variables that had worked out against her, had really stung her pride deep down. The last attempt at conversation, the one that Shinji escalated into an argument, was Asuka's way of saying that she was willing to let it go. Because she likes him. Because she wants him.
What the hell was wrong with him, then, that he couldn't even accept it. Making a mountain out of a molehill. Picking fights over nothing. Refusing to talk to Asuka for days on end.
Truly, this was too much for her to handle. She had fought and hated many people in her life. Asuka's book was filled with names and their sins. Her stepmother. Teachers from elementary school. Those stupid sorority girls back in university. Asuka had been in all sorts of disputes, sometimes petty, sometimes major, and she was used to hating and being hated. But she was not used to reconciling with someone who was angry with her. She was good at breaking things, but had almost no experience trying to repair them. Trying to do something so foreign to her was more than frustrating.
Asuka let out a small sigh. When she started dating Shinji, she never imagined herself in a situation like this. What she imagined was the thrill of doing things that were forbidden to her before. Becoming an adult. Having someone who cherished and pleased her. What she got instead was a moody boy prone to unpredictable fits of sulking. A coming-of-age she sabotaged herself. A so-called guardian who couldn't just tell her her true intentions. Mr. Kaji, who probably knew at least as much as Misato, just focusing on his stupid melons instead of helping. And the stupid girl who couldn't say no to those stupid adults and got all sweaty and-
"Wow, are you done already? Did you really water them all?"
Asuka looked up, startled. Mr. Kaji was looking back towards her from the end of his furrow. He was wiping his brow with a towel around his neck while holding the watering can. Asuka nudged her own with the tip of her foot. The blue plastic can, which was large and quite heavier than it looked when full, rattled without a hint of its previous weight.
"Of course. I think I did it twice as fast as you, Mr. Kaji."
Mr. Kaji shrugged, walking over to her. "Of course you watered them all. But did you really water them?"
Asuka furrowed her brow, unable to understand. He had a habit of making such cryptic remarks, as if he were an ascetic monk who lived on top of a pillar or something. There were times when she thought it was pretty cool, but not so much now, with her patience running so low.
As if he didn't expect an answer, Mr. Kaji didn't even turn to her, walking slowly along the furrow Asuka had watered, occasionally bending at the waist to lift and check the vines..
"You did a pretty good job on the weeding, but the watering…not so much. I even see dry soil here and there."
Asuka kicked the watering can. It rolled for a moment before hitting a ridge of dirt and stopping. But Asuka didn't get a chance to see it, because the watermelon she was sitting on swayed dangerously from the motion. For a moment she almost fell to the ground, but she was nimble, and she managed to stand up. She had to stagger a few ugly steps forward from inertia, but that was it. Mr. Kaji hurried to her. Asuka shook her head.
"It's okay. I'm alright. Not like I-"
He walked past her and bent over the watermelon she'd been sitting on just moments ago. There was a sign of genuine distress in his voice.
"Have you been sitting on this?"
Asuka felt a heat rising on her face. "I'm not that heavy! And I told you, I watered them all. Properly."
Mr. Kaji rolled the watermelon Asuka was sitting on a bit, shaking his head.
"I think I did it…it looked fine to me…such things are, well, I'm not saying they're completely meaningless, but they're not the most important part. The most important part is whether the melon is actually watered or not."
Asuka narrowed her eyes, wondering if he was talking in wise man mode again, or if she was just overreacting to a benign statement. And if it was the latter, why was she feeling that way in the first place?
Trying to push the uncomfortable thoughts away, Asuka asked the question that she blurted out earlier.
"Don't they have artificial rain or something in here?"
Mr. Kaji's eyebrows rose. "Artificial rain? Why?"
"Why do we have to bother watering these fruits one by one? If they had the technology to build this underground base, they could make it rain here, I bet. No, come to think of it, it's really weird if they didn't. These melons are just your little hobby, nothing official, sure, but what keeps the forest and the lake alive? Surely they need water from somewhere?"
Mr. Kaji chuckled.
"Yeah, that's weird, I agree. Never thought about it that way."
Then he said nothing, his eyes fixed on nowhere in particular, an odd smile tugging his mouth. In the air so humid she thought she could swim in it, Asuka licked her lips. They tasted salty. She wished for him to say something, like he did in the hallway to the lounge the other day. Just a little advice. Anything that might help her.
Mr. Kaji shook his head and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "You said there was a test at headquarters this evening, right?"
"Yeah."
"I think you'll be right on time if you leave now. Can you go alone? I still have some work to finish here."
Asuka swallowed once, then nodded.