Golly, what a night, pt. 4
Another week had passed by, and he had finally managed to get out of his meetings for the day, which meant that he could finally set about his plan out and about in London. He had had Bates wake him up early every day in the past week, hoping to find the time to make the journey. Yet, every day he stayed at Downton, disappointed that another meeting with a tenant had come up that could not be pushed to a later date, keeping him from finalising the last missing things in his plan. It must have all seemed so strange, but Bates never said a word and Robert never felt the need to explain.
He could see it in her eyes that it pained her, the whole debacle with all it entailed. He could all too vividly imagine the look of disappointment every morning when she woke up and his side of the bed was already cold. He had moved into their bedroom again, but things had still not been like before. She looked at him all throughout the several shared luncheons and dinners and he still avoided her gaze, barely engaging in any talk at all.
He did not know what to do, he couldn't just return to living his life the way he did before without apologising to her first, and he wanted to do that properly. And he wanted to do it before Rose tied the knot with her darling Atticus later that week, nobody wants to overshadow such a joyous occasion. That was the reason for their journey to London in the first place.
Today. Today would be his one and only chance, he was sure of that, and he had to take it. He got out of the cab and briskly walked to the jeweller he usually only went to when they had another anniversary coming up, or a special birthday, or Christmas was just around the corner. He looked around the shop, at the luxuriously blinking and gleaming displays. He first thought about getting her a beautiful silver necklace with a diamond pendant, and right when he was about to ask the shopkeeper to take it out of the glass box, he saw it.
A beautiful set of pearls.
Her voice rang out in his head. And what about Lady Ingleby´s pearls? I was so jealous I wanted to snatch them off her throat.
Maybe that was it.
"Oh, I´m sorry. I would actually rather purchase the pearls in the display over there. I remember my wife mentioning how beautiful she thought they looked when she saw them a while ago." Oh great, so now he even lied to strangers, but he couldn't very well tell him the truth.
"Certainly, sir."
After a quick lunch in a small restaurant around the corner and a stop at Sotheby's, he made his way back to their London residence, back to his home away from home. Robert just hoped he would have enough time before dinner, nothing would be worse than being late when all he wanted to do was apologise to his dear wife. He knew he wouldn't have the time to do so in words before they had to go down for dinner, but he wanted her to know how much he loved her. So, he took out a small piece of paper and a pen and thought about scribbling a hasty note as he sat in the back of the cab he had hailed. He couldn´t however think of what he could possibly write to make her realise how sorry he was, at least nothing that he could fit on the small piece of paper.
He arrived home mere minutes before the dressing gong was rung and he still had one task to fulfil before he could even think about enjoying his dinner. Hastily scribbling the note in the even smaller dressing room than the one he was used to, he waited outside her door for her maid, Baxter, and asked her to put the box on her bed and make sure she saw it. Oh, how he wished that this would do the trick for now.
Nervously he awaited the arrival of the rest of his family in the smaller drawing room, seeing as he was the first of them to come down. But if he was completely honest, he was really only anxiously waiting for her, and if it was up to him, the rest of them could just as well be absent, for the night, that was.
His breath got caught in his throat when Carson announced her arrival, directly following his mama.
She was wearing them, what a relief! And they looked so splendidly on her, too. He had seen the pearls on Lady Ingleby she had referred to that night and even he had to admit that they looked nice, but this was surely something else entirely. It was positively mind-boggling just how beautiful she looked.
She searched for his gaze and for the first time in weeks, he did not want to look away. He wanted to look into her beautiful blue eyes, wanted to see if she understood the sentiment behind the gift.
And she did, he could see it so clearly in her loving gaze. Maybe the hastily scribbled note had done the trick, as risky as it had been.
Jealousy doesn't suit you, Lady Grantham. R
She had been confused by the note on top of the box on her bed, and also bewildered and more than slightly angry with him. Was this really how he wanted to play this, by dragging it all out for longer than necessary? But then she opened the box and saw what was inside, and suddenly she understood what he had meant. She was looking at the most beautiful and exquisite set of pearls she had ever seen, even Lady Ingleby´s did pale in comparison, she was most certain of it.
So, he had listened to her that night, however much he had looked away and pretended he hadn't. He had still paid attention. He still loved her, despite everything that happened the night prior. And boy, did she still love him, even more than ever before.
They did not exchange words, not until after Robert had made his announcement regarding the painting that nearly ruined everything for them. She had wanted for the floor beneath her to open up and swallow her whole when he announced his intent to sell and she looked at him with sorrow and regret written so clearly all over her face.
Seeing her so unhappy prompted him to get himself another drink. How did he manage to make her sad again, when all he wanted to do was make it up to her? Robert didn't realise she had been following him to the small liquor table until she had handed him her glass and said: "I've spoiled the painting for you, haven´t I? With Mister Bricker. That's why you're selling."
Her blue eyes were on him, and he saw her sorrow and regret reflected in them clearly. He couldn't take it anymore. His apology would still be a way off, until they were alone in their bedroom. But he had to take her out of this misery.
"Yes, but not in the way you think," he said, his voice low so only she could hear him. "Every time I look at it, I am reminded that I didn´t trust you. And I feel so angry with myself, I want to be rid of it."
Her head shot back up from looking at the floor when he said this, her face showing the evidence of her surprise, before finally, it formed one of those smiles he had always so adored.
After dinner, neither of them stayed for drinks and apparently, everyone else had sensed things were not the way they were supposed to be between them as nobody wanted to stop them from going up so early.
They each got ready for bed and Robert waited anxiously until he heard her bid goodnight to Baxter, after which he tentatively rapped his knuckles on the dividing door.
"You can come in," she said almost immediately, at which he closed his eyes and heaved one last deep breath before twisting the doorknob in his hand.
He had been nervous before, but as he was standing there, looking at her sitting in front of her vanity, it all fell away. All his doubts and anxious thoughts just seemed to vanish and he walked to the chair close to where she sat and lowered himself down.
Neither of them said a word, but the silence was not uncomfortable. It had almost never been for them, apart from the very early days of their marriage, but those days were long gone and almost forgotten amidst the countless happy years spent together.
"Cora, I´ve been a fool," he said, tearing his gaze away from her and burying his head in his hands instead.
"Darling -"
"No, please, just let me say this?"
He looked up at her briefly to see her understanding nod before resuming his earlier pose. He knew he would not be able to say what he needed to say with her looking at him like that.
"I have made a fool of myself, I gave in to the little voice inside my head telling me to doubt you. I ignored all the obvious things that should have made it abundantly clear to trust you. It was all there and yet, I did not. That one tiny voice was enough to make me doubt. That one tiny voice was enough for me to behave in a way I never wanted anyone to witness, least of all you. That one tiny voice was enough for me to say things I do not believe in. And that one tiny voice cost me everything I have ever held dear to me. When you came to Rosamund´s that night, I said things I wish I had never said, because they were untrue. The words I said meant that I do not value your opinion, when in truth your opinion is the only thing that matters to me. I am so often so terribly stuck in my own ways and I would get left behind so easily in this ever-changing world if I did not have you by my side to steer me into calmer seas. I couldn't see it then, but now… Now, I do. I see it all so clearly in front of me. Oh, what a fool I have made of myself by neglecting you, not letting you in on my life, even when you asked me to; by not trusting you the way you always trusted me. There is nothing I can do to justify any of it, but nevertheless, I am here to ask your forgiveness. I mean it, Cora, I need you by my side to brave the raging seas of change, for I love you. I am an Englishman, and we are known to struggle with admitting things like this, but it doesn´t pain me at all to admit it to you and to anyone who'll listen. I love you and I trust you."
He kept his head down, not wanting her to see the tears that had started to fall from his eyes, not wanting her to pity him for feeling all these things, not wanting her to try to soothe him. He was here to apologise, but he knew his wife and she would try to calm him instead of replying to everything that had been weighing on his mind so heavily.
"Oh Robert, I know. And I forgive you. I had forgiven you when I reached my room that night, because deep down, you and I both know that there is some truth in it. There is a reason that little voice told you to doubt me. I kept asking him back when you had made it abundantly clear that you did not like him and I have to honestly say that I enjoyed being flirted with in the beginning, because it made you jealous. That showed me that you still cared for me, that you still loved me even though you barely spent time with me. You and I never talked about the estate or the business of running it all, the girls were finally independently living their lives and suddenly, I had no purpose with our house no longer a convalescent home.
I felt left alone in the dark when you got so distant, being busy with the estate. And then that night it all came to a head and went south. I want you to know that it was all harmless flirting on my side, I did it just to get a reaction from you, but then he made more advances and I refused him, repeatedly. I thought he had taken my words to heart, that I was still a married woman who was not interested in anyone else but her husband. So I saw no harm in him coming back to take the pictures, but you did. And I should have trusted you on that. The night you came home to find him in my room was my fault, even though I never asked him to come. I am to blame for you losing your temper and injuring your hand and I don't think I can ever forgive myself for that big lapse of judgement. But please know that it was all out of love, out of love for you."
Cora had got up from her seat at the vanity and was crouching in front of his chair. She knew that he had started crying when he said his piece. She knew him and his inability to state his innermost feelings without getting overwhelmed by them and she had heard it in his voice that had been on the verge of breaking by the time he had finished. But she also knew he would have refused her had she got down then, his pride was very much important to him, and she did not want to take that away from him. So she told him her side of the story first, hoping to make him realise that she did not blame him, that she truly had forgiven him long ago.
"Oh, this is such a mess," he said, looking at her finally.
He looked into her bright blue eyes and he saw the sincerity in what she had said reflected in them. She always seemed so calm and collected in the face of things like this, but this time, her eyes betrayed her. He was always the one overly emotional, a fact he was not proud of in the least, and she was his rock during the harshest surges. That had always been their way of things when they were alone and openly vulnerable in the close confines of their room.
However, she was not as stoic as she tried to appear, Robert knew, but she hid it so well behind her charming smile and American sayings. And this time was no different. He was sitting there, the tears staining his cheeks, while she wiped them away with her gentle fingers. And he let her, he knew that this was important for her.
"Yes, it truly is such a mess, but one we can manage. Together. We both played our parts in this and neither trusted the other. We stopped talking the way we always used to, and it nearly cost us everything, like you said. But this is not over, not unless you want it to be. Because it certainly is not for me. You could never make yourself a fool. I mean it, Robert. I meant every word I said. Everything I do is out of love for you and all you do. You gave me this wonderfully charmed life and made me so happy in a world entirely different to the one I was used to, you gave me a home. And all I can give in return is my love."
"And that, my dearest darling, is more than I could have ever hoped to get."
Blue eyes looked into blue as her hands cradled his head, bringing it nearer to her own and then brushing her soft lips over his for a kiss that was so long overdue.
He felt so lucky to have her as his wife at that moment, he couldn't help but smile widely. And she returned the sentiment, gracing him with one of her very own bright smiles that made her eyes twinkle in a way that had all the stars in the night sky pale in comparison.
And now it was Robert who uttered the words he had cursed hearing just weeks ago.
"Golly, what a night."