Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters.

~Love Again~

Time's been ticking, hearts are runnin'

Think that Cupid's up to somethin'

You asked me how I feel, I say nothin'

But lately colors seem so bright bright

And the stars light up the night

My feet they feel so light

I'm ignoring all the signs

~ I think I'm In Love by Kat Dahlia

Chapter One: Never Again

"I gotta stop drinking," I mumbled before I downed another shot. I wasn't sure how many I'd had; I lost count at five. Or was that five o'clock? I peered out the window next to the entrance, squinting my bleary eyes, and noted that it was, in fact, dark now. Perhaps I had drunk more than my fair share.

"Good start," Rosalie snickered, throwing back a shot of her own. She poured two more, sliding mine over to me. At my skeptical gaze, she rolled her eyes. "It's one weekend of drinking and letting loose, jeez. The kids are at your parents and Mike is in the Bahamas. Have some fun."

At the mention of Mike, I threw my shot back and then slammed my head down on the bar. And then again, and again. And when those hits didn't knock thoughts of him out, I did it three more times until Rose put her hand between my head and the bar top.

I grimaced up at her. There were about two and a half of her. I tried to focus on the one in the middle.

"Girl, stop. He's not worth it. Forget that tiny dick having, whack ass sex giving, afraid of pussy little-,"

"Okay!" I held my hands up. Rosalie could get carried away. We'd be here all night with her listing of the badness of Mike. "I get it."

"Do you?" She raised her perfectly manicured brow. her hand went to her hip and I knew I was in for an earful. "Because for the last three months, I have watched you fall apart over that piece of shit. And to be honest with you, girlfriend, I am so sick of it."

"He's the father of my children, Rose," I defended myself, slightly pissed off that she would be so crass about something so serious in my life. "We were married for almost ten years. And he threw it all away for…"

"For his secretary," she finished heatedly. "Living the cliché dream of douchebag supreme."

"Still sucks," I mumbled, my eyes trained on my twiddling thumbs. I bit my lip, the ball in my throat becoming so prominent I felt like I could choke on it. I swallowed it back a few times before I could meet my best friend's eyes and speak aloud. "I still love him," I admitted, shame marring my voice.

I hated it but it was the truth.

Rose grasped my hands in hers, leaning over the bar, she touched her forehead to mine in a rare moment of calm sincerity. "I know, honey. You'll feel better soon. You're strong."

"Yeah, right," I choked out painfully. I wiped my cheek on my shoulder, ridding myself of the stray tears I could feel there, avoiding Rosalie's intense gaze. "I'm pathetic. Completely and totally pathetic."

Rosalie let go of my hands, her right one coming up to slap me hard on the side of my arm. I squeaked in surprise, my wide eyes meeting her heated glare.

"What the fuck, Rose?"

"Don't start with that self-deprecating bullshit, Bella. I will kick your ass. No one talks shit about my best friend. Not even herself. And pathetic? Hardly. You're one of the strongest, baddest bitches I know, and you better start recognizing that. That's why I'm so fed up with this shit because I know you're worth more than crying yourself to sleep over someone who never did anything to deserve you or your beautiful children in the first place."

"You're biased," I sniffled, fighting a smile as I rubbed the sore spot on my arm. Riled up Rose was always a sight to behold. She often teetered on the edge of insanity. Always looking mildly like she was going to punch someone in the face. But she loved me. It had a way of making a girl feel special. Even though I couldn't believe a word of it. I didn't feel strong. But the conviction in her words, the sincerity in her eyes... I felt like I could cry. Again.

"Have I ever sugarcoated anything?" I shook my head. No, she definitely didn't do that. "The most biased thing I do for you is give you a best friend discount at the bar. As for everything else, I'm going to tell it like it is, and what it is, is that you were always way too good for that piece of shit. You and your kids deserve better. And that is the fucking truth."

The ball in my throat was back. While her delivery was aggressive, the meaning was everything to me. It touched me to know that she thought so highly of me. It wasn't often that she expressed herself in that way. I had to look away. Instead, I looked down at my empty shot glass and sighed. I pushed it toward her and tapped the bar twice. Might as well drink and forget while I could.

Letting the conversation drop, Rose poured us two more shots. It wasn't long before I couldn't see straight. Rosalie was busy tending to other customers. One of her girls had to leave for a family emergency and the other bartender, a nice-looking man, was being very kind to me. He showed me lots of attention.

I leaned my head on my hand and smiled up at him. "Another, please?"

He smiled back, his straight white teeth gleaming under the lights. "Of course, m'lady."

I giggled at his silliness. I could feel my eyes getting heavy, my chest loosening up from the constant constricting it had endured since finding out my husband was leaving me. It felt good. I felt free. At least more than I had in months. I knew, even in my drunken state, that this was just a temporary reprieve, but I was going to enjoy it.

The bartender leaned closer to me. "I get off in about two hours. Will you still be here? Maybe I can take you back to my place and show you my movie collection," he raised his brows suggestively. I had a feeling it was a personal, private collection.

I laughed. Not because it was funny but because his face was so close to mine, making me a bit nervous. A good kind of nervous. I hadn't been flirted with so salaciously in a long while. It was kind of thrilling. I wasn't sure if that was the alcohol talking or not. It most likely was, though. I wasn't the brazen, flirtatious type. I opened my mouth to answer him, but before I could, I was cut off by a rag flying across the bar and hitting the bartender upside his head.

"James!" Rosalie stomped over. She pulled the bartender away from me and glared into his face. "You forget about Victoria already? Didn't you two just have a baby shower? I'm pretty sure you did seeing as I sent you a fucking gift."

My jaw dropped. Literally, my mouth fell open.

"Ugh!" I jumped from the barstool, nearly falling flat on my ass. "All men are the goddamn same," I muttered. I grabbed my jacket from the stool, forcing my arms through it, glaring at the bartender. He looked down and scurried off, his tail tucked between his legs.

Good goddamn riddance.

Rose turned to me, her eyes softening. "Let me text Emmett and have him come get you. I'll drive your car to my place after work and drop it off to you tomorrow morning."

I sniffled back aggravation and sadness, taking my seat. I wanted to storm off, but of course, I was responsible enough not to drive my car with the amount of alcohol I consumed in such a short amount of time. "Yeah, sure."

"I'm sorry, Bella." Rose scrunched her nose unhappily.

I waved her off. My shit luck with men was not her fault. She pulled her phone from her apron pocket. I had to look away from her fingers speeding across the screen as she typed out a message. It was making me dizzy. With my head in my hands, I waited. It didn't take long for Emmett to show up. He was, after all, my big brother. And he was very protective. I was sure Rosalie let him know I was drunk and sad. And passing out at the bar.

The perfect prey for perverts.

"Hey, sis." Emmett put his hand on my shoulder gently turning me to face him. "You ready to go?"

I nodded, no longer feeling well enough to speak. I grabbed my purse, waved to Rose, and let Emmett lead me out to his jeep. It looked massive and intimidating, like everything else in the world lately. I felt so small standing next to it. Emmett helped me up into it and strapped me in. It was a wild ride home. I was sick by the time we pulled up in front of my house. It seemed we hit every goddamn pothole on the twenty-minute drive to my place. Not to mention all the cars and lights whizzing by at breakneck speed. As soon as Emmett helped me down from the large jeep, I pushed him away, fell to my knees, and puked. And cried. And puked some more while I cried.

I was a fucking mess. I needed to pull myself together. I had too much shit going on in my life to fall apart like this. I had a job to focus on and two beautiful babies that depended on me being okay.

"Oh, Bella," Emmett sighed, his arms going around my waist when I had stopped heaving for at least five minutes. He lifted me up, pulling me into his large chest. I hugged him, clinging to his shirt, burying my face into his chest. He was always my comfort growing up. My protector. He never grew out of that role. It made me cry harder for some reason. Like I had all these people who love me and needed me and I was allowing myself to fall apart over one person.

It wasn't fair to them and it wasn't fair to me.

I wasn't sure how long we stood outside or even when we got in the house, but before I knew it, I was tucked into my bed. Emmett left me water on the nightstand and a trash bin beside the bed before kissing my forehead softly. I barely heard the door close before my eyes couldn't stand to be open a second longer and I fell into a blissful, dreamless sleep.

The incessant buzzing next to my throbbing head pulled me from a deep sleep. I didn't want to move and even if I did, I felt like a dead weight. My body was sufficiently suctioned to the bed. I groaned and forced myself to flip over. It took me quite a few tries to conquer that maneuver. My purse sat on top of the nightstand; the buzzing from my phone muffled by the worn leather that encased it.

I huffed, pulling myself into a sitting position. It took everything I had in me to get there. I fumbled through my purse until I finally found my phone. I clicked the screen on and smiled despite the pounding headache I was enduring.

"Hi, babies," I smiled. Two little happy faces popped up on the screen. One with lopsided pigtails and the other with a disaster of a faux hawk. "Oh, my," I laughed softly. "Did Grandpa do your hair today?"

Connor spoke up first. "Yeah, momma! I look awesome, right?"

I nodded enthusiastically, trying my best to ignore the lightning bolt that shot through my skull. I looked at my youngest baby, Maisy. She had two raggedy blue strings hanging on either side of her head. "What kind of ribbons are those in your hair?"

Maisy giggled. "Shoelaces!" Her lisp was so adorable.

"Oh, how innovative," I laughed.

"Hi, Bella," Mom waved, walking behind my babies with a mixing bowl in her hands. "What time are you coming here?"

I looked at the time on the phone. I was surprised by how late it was. Already half past noon. I was usually an early riser. However, I wasn't much of a drinker. I supposed the two canceled each other out. "Give me like two hours. I need to shower and wake up."

And down some Advil and coffee.

"Take your time, honey," Mom waved me off. She walked over with two big spoonfuls of something chocolate out of the mixing bowl and handed them to Connor and Maisy who accepted them with excitement, their little hands shaking excitedly in front of their faces.

"Mom," I admonished upon closer inspection of the spoons. "Is that cake batter?"

Mom scoffed. "You lived through your childhood, didn't you?"

I rolled my eyes. "Salmonella is a real thing, you know?"

"Like I said. You lived." She turned away from the phone without a care in the world. She told me before that it was a grandparents' prerogative to spoil their grandbabies. And spoil those little ones they did. Heavily. Every time I left them with my parents for a weekend, or even just a few hours, they came back with more toys and clothes than I sent them with.

Connor and Maisy licked their spoons clean, giggling with chocolate all over their faces. Of course, Mom would send them back to me all sugared up and bouncing off the walls. Apparently, another right of the grandparents.

I sighed. "I'm going to get off here and get ready, okay? I'll see you guys soon." I blew them a big kiss which they returned with enthusiasm before ending the call. The last thing I saw was my daughter pushing her brother down.

I fell back on the pillows with a huff. Flipping over onto my side, I looked at the empty spot where Mike used to sleep. A pit formed in my stomach. I wanted to hurl but I think I emptied everything I had in me the night before. I never knew something could hurt so badly. I never thought the man I was with since I was sixteen would just up and leave me out of the blue for a younger woman. Even more so, I couldn't fathom the fact that he left his kids behind as well. I couldn't even imagine leaving them.

Rosalie was right. He was a piece of shit.

I went downstairs to start the coffee, popped a few Advil, and then took a steaming, hot shower. I let the water cascade down my body, loosening all my muscles. I refused to let myself think while I was in the shower. I was blissfully silent for half an hour. Just what I needed in order to be in full mom mode when I picked the kids up.

"Momma!" Two little bodies rammed into my legs at full speed, nearly knocking me down. I held onto the doorframe, stopping myself from taking a tumble down the porch stairs.

"Whoa, there," I laughed, holding their heads to my legs. They each stepped on my feet, and it was a personal success to get them back into the house without falling over. I was naturally clumsy without the extra help.

"Did you guys have fun with Grandma and Grandpa?"

They both started jabbering at a hundred miles a second, yelling over each other. I caught the words park, roller skating, cake, and cheese. But I couldn't string them together to make any kind of sense.

"Hey, you two," Dad came around the corner, a big smile on his face. "Let your mom go so she can go gossip with Grandma."

They hopped off me, their little feet speeding down the hallway and turning into the living room. Their giggles echoed all the way back to me. I couldn't stop smiling. It was nice to get a break every now and again, but I missed them so much.

I became a mom five years ago, then again two years after that and my life never felt more complete. My husband may have left a giant hole inside of me, but my babies filled it quite nicely. Their smiles alone warmed my heart every day.

Dad gave me a big bear hug, lifting me off my feet. He kissed my temple. "Missed you, kid."

I hugged him back tightly. There was nothing better than a hug from my dad. I felt safe and loved in his arms. "I missed you more."

"Get in here already!" Mom yelled from the kitchen.

Me and dad both laughed. He set me on my feet and then went to follow the babies into the living room while I met with my mom in the kitchen. She swooped me into a gentle hug when she saw me.

Before she pulled away, she pinched my side. "Are you losing weight?"

"Jeez, mom." I extracted myself from her embrace. I hopped up on the counter and picked up the mixing bowl. It still had some chocolate cake batter left in it. I dipped my finger in, tasting the delicious sweetness.

"I'm just asking," Mom crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes doing an up-down appraisal of my body. "You're eating enough?"

"Yes, Mom," I rolled my eyes.

"You're sure?" she pressed on. "I know that you're going through a difficult time right now, but you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself, okay? If not for yourself, then for Connor and Maisy. They need you healthy."

"I swear I'm eating." I held up a chocolate-coated finger with a smile. It wasn't a lie. I just had a hard time keeping food down lately. It wasn't a purposeful weight loss. That had to count for something.

Mom gave me a reproachful look but, thankfully, dropped the subject. She went into detail about her weekend with the kids. She also mentioned that her oldest friend Esme's son was moving back to town with his daughter. I remembered her son. He was a few years older than me. I didn't hang out with him much, but he was always very kind.

"He was a sweet guy," I couldn't help the smile that lit up my face. I didn't mention the massive crush I had on him. He was my best friend's older brother. Therefore, forbidden fruit. Not that he would have been interested in a middle schooler anyway.

"Well, his wife, Tanya, passed away. So, he's moving back here for a while."

"Oh, no," I sighed. "Poor Edward. I had no idea."

"You don't talk to Alice much anymore, do you?"

"Not really." I felt awful about that. She was my best friend growing up. We lost contact a few years ago when our lives became just a little too separate. I stayed in Forks while she went to New York. She had a fabulous life as an up-and-coming fashion designer, and I was an elementary school teacher with two kids. We just lacked common interests. Aside from the yearly birthday wishes, the last real contact we had was when she sent me a baby shower gift for my three-year-old.

"Maybe you two can catch up. She's going to be here as well."

"Really?" I could feel the excitement build up as well as some trepidation. It had been so long. I wasn't sure how to start a conversation with her. Or if she would even want to talk to me. She was always posting pictures on social media with model-like beauties who looked like they could afford to buy me.

"Yes, she and her fiancé have been helping Edward get through it and they don't want to change too much for his daughter so quickly. They're coming as support for them both."

I nodded, my thoughts going to my childhood best friend. I would love to meet up with her. Would she think my life was boring and pitiful? She had a fiancé and my husband abandoned me and my children. We were so different now.

Mom came over and took the mixing bowl from my hands. She reached up with a finger and smoothed between my brows. "What's bothering you?"

"Other than the obvious?" I laughed, looking away from her. "It's nothing. When will they be in Forks?"

"Tuesday. And then on Saturday, they are having a barbecue with close friends. We're invited."

"Great. Sounds good." I smiled but I could feel dread seeping in. I would, of course, go to the barbecue, as nervous as I was, I couldn't miss it.

The Cullens were family once upon a time. It would be nice to have that back.

"French fries!" Maisy shouted from the backseat. Her little feet were kicking my seat. I glared at her in the rearview mirror. She was usually very well-behaved, but ever since Mike left, she had taken on a bit of a mean streak.

"I said no. Now you better stop kicking me." I reached behind me and grabbed her foot mid-kick. She screamed bloody murder, trying to kick free from my grasp.

"May-may, stop it," Connor tried to soothe her. He was always good at that, but today nothing seemed to be working.

We had just left my parents' place, and Maisy was a brat from the very second I strapped her into her car seat. With my lingering headache, her screams were pushing me over the edge. I was never the kind to lose it on my kids, but she sure was testing my limits.

"French. Fries. Now. Momma!" she enunciated each word with a hard kick to my seat, the foot in my grasp breaking one of my nails. I hissed and drew my hand back to myself. I wanted nothing more than scream at the top of my lungs but I held it in.

"May-may, stop," Connor was begging now. I looked at him now and I could see the tears in his eyes. He looked way too stressed out for a five-year-old. It seemed he was always trying to calm his little sister down these days and it was taking a toll on him. He didn't deserve that.

It made me feel awful.

I sighed and shouted over my screaming child. "Fine. We'll get fries."

I didn't believe in giving in to bad behavior, but the look on my son's face was enough for me to let it slide just this once. Give us both a break.

We pulled into the diner. I unbuckled myself and then reached behind me to get Maisy from her seat. She sniffled and grunted as I brought her to the front with me. Connor was already unstrapping himself and hopping out of the car. I quickly walked to his side and took his hand in my own. I held Maisy on my hip. We walked quietly into the diner. For that small peace, I was grateful.

We sat at the booth by the door, our usual table, minus one occupant. A bored teenager came up and took our order. We got two milkshakes, two fries, and two burgers to share. The kids were happily eating while I sipped at the shake, grimacing at the overabundance of syrup added. I was lost in thoughts of Alice and Edward and what it would be like to see them again, especially poor Edward. I felt so bad for him. It must be awful to lose your spouse in that way.

"Daddy!" My head shot up at the sound of my daughter squealing with delight. Keeping my face toward the front of the diner, I prayed she was mistaken. I fucking prayed.

"Hi, baby girl."

Breathing in deeply, I looked over to the door and what I saw knocked the breath straight out of me. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I felt vomit coming up. My ex-husband stood at the door; his hand intertwined with Jessica Stanley's. The secretary he had told me not to worry about for a full year. She smirked when our eyes connected. I wanted nothing more than to knock her teeth down her throat. My kids were the only thing keeping me seated. I clenched my pants into my fists, trying to control my breathing. They were coming in hard puffs when I looked at Mike. He had the decency to look abashed. He let go of Jessica's hand and leaned down to give Maisy a kiss on the cheek. He walked over to Connor and I hated that I took satisfaction in him snubbing his father, turning his cheek the other way. I shouldn't have taken any happiness from my child's pain and immediately felt ashamed.

Mike stood up, his eyes going flat from the rejection. He ruffled Connor's hair. Connor pushed him off angrily, his bright blue eyes glaring down at the table. It upset me to see him that way. I wanted to jump up, grab my kids, and spit in Mike's face. And then, just because I felt like it, rip those nasty long nails off Jessica's scrawny fingers.

"W-we were passing through town…" Mike stammered, glancing into my eyes for a fraction of a second before looking down at his shoes. "I saw your car parked here and decided to stop in and see the kids. I hope that's alright."

I refused to open my mouth because I knew that whatever flew out of it wouldn't be appropriate in front of my children. I didn't want to mention how he left his kids months ago without a goodbye. How he hasn't even called them in that time. How he was a giant, massive, piece of dog shit. Nope. I kept my mouth closed; eyes fixed on the shake in front of me. I traced the water droplets with my shaking fingers. My mind conjured up the most violent images I ever had.

"How are you, buddy?" he addressed Connor. He was ignored. Connor's little fist was hovering over his plate, his face turning red. I could see the tears building up in his eyes. It was time to end this.

"We're leaving," I ground out between my teeth. I dug through my purse for my wallet, pulled out a few bills, and slammed them down on the table. Picking up Maisy, I held my hand out to Connor. He took it quickly, keeping his head down.

"Want my daddy," Maisy whined when we walked back outside. Her little hands strained behind my head, reaching for him. It broke my heart.

I had one child who wanted to get away and another that wanted to be near him. I didn't know what to do. Nothing I did would make either of them happy, but leaving would make Connor more comfortable. He looked ready to explode. I didn't think he wanted an audience for that. Especially not his father and his new girlfriend. He may have been only five, but he understood that his daddy left. And that was enough for him. Connor jumped into the car without my prompting, slamming the door behind him. I had to force a screaming three-year-old into her car seat. I felt like a terrible mother.

What could I do to make this better?

Car doors opening caught my attention. I looked over a few spaces to see Mike getting into his shiny new car. He didn't even spare a second glance at his daughter who was screaming for him. Maybe it was better this way. I tried to reason with myself the whole way home. Maisy didn't stop crying until I sat her in front of the TV and put on Shrek. It was her favorite movie and thankfully calmed her down. She had tear tracks all down her chubby little cheeks, her thumb in her mouth. She reclined on the couch, her breathing finally evening out. I rubbed her bangs out of her face. She grunted at me. I guess that was our white flag. For now.

I went in search of Connor, who disappeared as soon as we got home. When I couldn't find him, I started to get frantic. I was calling him, searching every room. It wasn't until I heard a little sniffle that I found him, huddled under his bed with his Spiderman blanket wrapped around his shoulders. His face was pressed into the carpet.

"Oh, baby," I sighed. Laying on the floor next to the bed, I reached under and ran my fingers through his light brown hair. "Do you want to come out and talk to me?"

He shook his head, his breathing becoming labored. I could see how red his little face was, the vein by his temple throbbing. He was trying so hard not to cry. It broke me. My own tears fell down my face onto the floor.

"I'm here, baby. I'll always be here for you. If you want me to stay with you, I will. If you want me to go, I won't be far away."

It took him a few seconds, but he finally turned his face toward me, and if I hadn't been broken before, I was for sure now. His eyes were red-rimmed, glassy. Tears fell with abandon. "He doesn't love me."

It wasn't a question. I didn't have an answer. Not a good one. Not one that would make him feel better. I tried to think of the right thing to say. I didn't have much time to think before Connor started talking again.

"Don't tell me he does," he grumbled adamantly and I was sure he had this conversation with someone else. "He left me. He was here and then he wasn't. He just left."

"Baby," I whispered, reaching out to smooth his hair back from his forehead. "don't think that. What happened with your dad leaving… it had nothing to do with you or your sister."

"He never came back," he argued. His face scrunched up in anger and confusion. "I hate him."

I sighed. I was not equipped to deal with this. Everything he was feeling, I was feeling. I didn't know how to tell him he shouldn't feel that way because Mike did it. He made his child feel like he was unloved. He was the only person that could fix that.

"You are allowed to feel, baby," I assured him. "But, please don't think that you're not loved. You're very loved."

"You love me," he choked out. Again, it wasn't a question.

"More than anything in this world. You and your sister are everything to me."

Connor scooted out from under the bed. He rolled into my waiting arms. I held him tightly, stroking his soft hair, and let him cry into my chest until he fell asleep. It was a helpless, horrible feeling as a mother to watch your child break down and not have a way to fix it.

I hated Mike with everything I had in me. In fact, I hated men. All men, except for my dad and brother. And, obviously, my little man. Mike, the bartender from last night… fuck them. I would never let another man come into my and my kid's life and fuck with our feelings.

While I lay on the floor holding my devastated child close to me, I made a decision. I would never allow anyone to hurt them again. No one will ever have that chance.

Never. Again.