"Hey, are you okay?" he asked slipping into the bed next to her.
Momo was kind of trying not to send herself into a panic and overthink it, but then she saw him scoot closer to her, then she looked at his face, worried.
Shoto was just trying to find a good position.
He leaned in with a hand to the bed pivoting him while he sat right next to her, and hovered over her face.
At times it was strange for her to remember how much taller he was compared to her. She was looking at him, worried, confused and anxious for what he had to say,
He looked back at her for about two seconds before trying to engage in conversation again. "What's wrong?" he said, "are you feeling well? You've been pretty quiet lately."
"I'm fine," she said as soon as she could. She tried her best to just shift away from him ever so slightly so he wouldn't notice. She didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, perhaps be too close and risk being annoying.
He arched an eyebrow. He knew what was wrong. He knew what had happened. He could never forget it, after all pain has the strongest hold on memories. He raised his hand to push a piece of hair behind her ear and away from her cheeks.
She almost wanted to flinch but she stopped herself, and let him touch her, only if it was for a little bit. A little bit too much. She didn't deserve that. No, he didn't deserve this.
"Do you wanna go down to the pool? It's kind of hot out, could use a dip."
She looked outside. It was warm outside, perfect for a swim. She would have to put on a swimsuit, something to look nice on her body, this useless body of hers.
...
How about "no"...
"I'm okay, that sounds fun though, you should go. The pool looks amazing," she smiled.
"Why don't you come with me?" he smiled just a small amount and looked into her eyes. She was so strong but right now... he didn't want her to be.
She stared back. "I think I'll stay up here. The sun is pretty hot."
"You can sit under a parasol," Shoto looked outside.
She couldn't really respond. He was right, and in a few seconds she could feel a shift in the air. He probably thought he was pushing too much.
"But we don't have to go down to the pool. We can just chill up here." He kicked his slippers off and laid the rest of his body on the bed. He was lying down, gathering the pillow behind him.
"Didn't you want to?" she asked, looking out the sliding doors to the pool. A breeze blew in, and ruffled her hair a bit. She was picking the strands of hair off her face to push them behind.
He saw this breeze wasn't going to stop. "You want to close the doors and turn on the AC?" he sat himself up.
Momo nodded through the strands of tangled hair in her face and got off the bed to find the AC remote.
Shoto shut the glass doors leading to the balcony, and turned to look at her as she stood up, pointing the remote at the AC to turn it on. She wasn't smiling. Sure, she doesn't have to smile all the time just to be happy, but he hasn't seen her smile all day. Or perhaps she'd barely smiled all week. He liked when she was happy. He wanted her to be happy, despite everything that's happened.
She'd gotten to a suitable temperature on the AC, put the remote back where it was, and she turned to see him getting back onto the bed and fumbling with the pillow again. She'd been reluctant as to whether she should even get back on the bed. With him.
"If you're tired we can just rest here," he laid back and opened his arms as an invitation to lie down with him. Maybe he could hug the sadness out of her.
She couldn't say no, she didn't want to say no either, but at the same time she couldn't lead herself into fantasies. She misses his touch she just doesn't want it to go too far, but she goes on anyways. Onto the bed, kicking off her slippers and shuffling closer to him. She realizes she's scared. Was just hugging her worse? What will this do? Just break her down again?
It's too late when he stretches and pulls her into his arms, giving her enough space adjust herself to lie down. He pulls the blankets so they only cover the lower half of both their bodies, and finally he pulls her in close, one hand around her waist, the other cradling her head, and he closes his eyes for a minute feeling her head laid against his neck.
She wraps her arms around him too. She's not tired, but maybe she can close her eyes too and she'll fall asleep. She'll wake up and all these anxious feelings she's trying to suppress will be gone, and she'll finally be unconscious and hopefully those dreams won't come back again so she won't have to live in two nightmares at the same time. She enjoys laying in his arms but this can't be right. She must be doing something wrong, but she's scared. She doesn't know how to talk to him. She doesn't want to.
He shifts just a few inches away from her. He can tell she's not tired, so he wants to talk to her. He pushes her hair out of her face again and rubs up her shoulder and then rests his hand on her jaw to gently bring her chin up to look at him. "You look like you have something to say," he forces a slight smile.
She stares for a moment. "I don't think I do," she responds. "Are you okay?"
"You're asking me?"
"Yes."
"I'm unhappy because my wife isn't feeling well," he strokes her cheek.
Momo never liked to make him frustrated if she was too stubborn, so she always ended up giving in when situations like this happened. Even if she gave the slightest bit of information, at the end of it all, she would have to explain everything because he keeps misinterpreting the things she says. When she was upset, and he wanted her to talk to him but she couldn't bring her problems to the table. This time she was the problem.
He didn't think so at all. In his mind, God gave him more than he deserved. Ever since the news touched down, he's been watching her hold in all these feelings. He was upset about it too, and when he cried she brought him more comfort than she did him. He can't imagine how painful this could be for her, but he knew he wasn't the only one hurting. He knew there was something that she wasn't letting out. He didn't want her to hold it in because he doesn't know what would happen if he did. "Ever since we started the trip you've been really quiet," he looked into her eyes, searching for something... anything. "We're together but not spending time together," he's serious now. He's not letting her keep this in anymore.
Maybe she can hold out for longer if she goes to sleep. She buries her face into the pillow which shifts the hand he has put on her jaw. "I'm just tired."
He lifts the hand on her jaw and places it behind her ear. "For the whole trip?"
She feels guilty now. The whole reason he took her here was so that they could feel better and let their minds be free of the hurt. She's trying her best, she promises. She trying to make him see that she's fine, because she is. Right? She has to be. She has to scrape off the burdensome person she's been to him. The useless person she is.
There's a long pause before he asks, "did I do something?"
"What? No, if anything it's-"
He arches an eyebrow.
She stops.
"What is it?" he asks, still waiting for an answer from her.
He's always been gentle, or at least tried to be. In some of their sparring sessions he couldn't just go easy on her, she overpowered him too quickly. It was frustrating sometimes to say the least, but she was strong. She was too strong, and she was still the love of his life.
She didn't find herself strong though. She wasn't strong enough to deal with this at least. "I'm tired."
"Tired of something?"
"Just tired."
"Tired of me?"
"No, not at all!" she shot her head up at him.
As soon as she faced him again, he too the opportunity to steal a kiss. He didn't intend it to be long. The kiss was supposed to clear the air and calm her down. She seemed anxious, he didn't know what it was about, but he could see it. The kiss was supposed to make her remember that he loves her, no matter what, and nothing could stop that.
It was deeper than expected, but Momo wasn't ready. The flashes of doubt in her mind that he would find her self conscious. He was kind, he would tell her it didn't matter, but it certainly mattered. Here was someone who could have any girl in the world, lying in bed with her, wasting the opportunity to find someone better, anyone better. She was scared he would realize that. They were married, husband and wife, and they only had been for a little while and she could barely bring herself to say something whenever she saw him because she knew she was no good. She knew she was useless, she knew there was no place for her in this marriage because there was nothing she could possibly provide. He would tell her that's all not true but the truth is she really couldn't give him what he wanted, what they both wanted. The truth was that they wanted a child and she was so useless she couldn't even provide him that.
He felt her pushing him away ever so slightly, and let go, searching her expression for the answer why. She seemed worried, and then Shoto felt something wet against the hand that was on her cheek.
"We haven't had sex since it happened," she buried her face further into the pillow so he wouldn't see her, "we've hugged, and kissed, and slept in the same bed," she continued to cry.
His heart broke.
"I know the sex is pointless now, because I really am useless, aren't I?" she felt him try to tilt her face toward him but she struggled. "I'm sorry I couldn't do it Shoto," she sobbed harder.
He pulled her in closer, as close as he could. He felt sorry. Ever since they got the news that Momo couldn't have children, he's tried to be more comforting than pushy. He gave her space, and then he took up more of her space. He organized a plan for them to go on trips to a few different countries. They started off on an island, where they were now. He thought this would be good for them. He wanted to see her happy again, and honestly, he thought that having sex right after hearing something so agonizing might send her the wrong message. "I'm sorry Momo."
"You don't have to be," she cried into his shoulder, tears dousing his shirt and still streaming down her face. This was the first time she'd let it go, all the pain that was building up each and ever day. She couldn't hold it in anymore. "I'm trying not to be a burden, I promise..." her cries got louder. "I'm trying to make up for it! I'm trying to make up for not being able to do it! I can't and I'm sorry Shoto!"
"Momo none of that is true."
"I can't have children! I can't give you a family, I can't apologize enough for wasting your time on me and not getting someone better! I didn't mean to be this way, I promise!"
Anything Shoto said afterwards was drowned outby the screams and sobs and pointless insults towards her own body. He couldn't snap her out of talking about herself this way and it hurt to listen to every word she was saying. He loved her, none of this mattered. How could he explain that.
Her cries went on for too long, the sun was setting now, and he's glad she let it all out. That's all he wanted her to do. She wasn't in this alone, and neither was he. The fact that they wouldn't have kids together didn't change how much he loved her, and it didn't change how much he wanted kids either. He wanted to make a family with her, gosh he wanted it so badly. But if it wasn't possible this way, they could still try another.
Her sobs started to become weaker, and he kissed her forehead. He kissed her cheek, her neck, her shoulder which was uncovered and cold. He kissed down her arm and took her hand into both of his kissed the top of her hand too. "Everything about you, is perfect," he said.
She was still crying, and still didn't believe him.
"I didn't want to rush you, that news came so unexpectedly," he looked her in the eyes, showing her that he was being as sincere as he could, "I didn't want my actions to pressure you."
The tears still streamed down her face but he was more silet now.
"Having sex right after that might have been too much with all of this on your mind, on our mind. I didn't know how you would feel, but I love you Momo."
"I love you too, but-"
"Nothing will change that," he covered her lips with his thumb, and removed the thumb to wipe away the remaining tears.
He kissed her, and she kissed him back. This will be a heartbreak forever, she won't ever be able to forget it, and she might always feel like some hope that she had was absolutely shattered by unmet expectations. But she will always be thankful for him, she will be thankful that she has a partner like this, someone to share heartbreaks like this one. He will never find her a burden, or anything less than more than he could have ever asked for during his time on earth. He will always remember this hurt, it will stick to him like a scar but after some time, scars don't hurt anymore do they.