The Morning After
by Joan Powers
Summary: What will Kathryn decide to do when she and Chakotay face each other the morning after their night together?
Part 2 of the Holodeck Incident series.
A/N: Thanks to Bizarra and SuzJ1 for their helpful suggestions, and to Tracy, as always, for her support.
Kathryn flinched as the computer announced that it was 0530 hours and then brought the bedroom lights up to a low setting. Although it felt far too early, it was her normal rising time. While her shift didn't start until later, she preferred to ease into the day. To take time savoring her coffee as she perused several reports, and then make rounds to check on projects.
Given last night's unusual circumstances, she was shocked that she'd actually fallen back asleep, enfolded within the warmth of Chakotay's arms. He was stirring too, in response to the alarm.
Panic rose within her.
What am I going to do?
It amazed her that she could handle threats from malicious aliens, the possibility of torture, and even being fired upon while on the bridge of a starship, maintaining her composure and easily compartmentalizing her emotions. However, when it came to personal matters, she was hopelessly inept.
Having no plan of action, she took the coward's route, feigning sleep.
He gently brushed his lips against the top of her forehead.
"Kathryn?"
She remained motionless, eyes closed, deliberately slowing her breathing.
I could act like I don't remember anything. Open my eyes and fake shock that he's here in my bed. That punch was pretty potent last night.
However, she wasn't that good of an actress, especially with a raging hangover.
And given that Chakotay knew her so well, he'd certainly see through her.
Maybe he should just go away.
Even as she considered that option, she felt despondent, remembering the feel of his lips on hers. The comfort of his arms around her.
This is silly! Maintaining the status quo is the best course of action.
He rolled away, stretching his limbs. Then he rose.
Yes, that's right.
It's for the best.
The relief she felt as she heard his steps crossing the room was short-lived. Her chest started to feel constricted as she remained still, attempting to calm her breathing. She assured herself.
Don't be ridiculous. It's not meant to be. This can't happen.
How embarrassing that tears came to her eyes. It must be due to the fact that she was so hung over. That had to be what was making this so complicated. Otherwise, it was simply common sense. She couldn't be in a relationship with one of her officers.
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when he returned to the bedroom. A heavenly aroma was filling the air. Coffee. God bless him. He was always so thoughtful. She felt the mattress sink as he perched upon it beside her.
"I know you're awake, Kathryn. I brought you some coffee and a hypospray to help with the hangover."
How does he know where I hide those?
As if reading her mind, he said, "You're not the only one with secrets."
While she was relieved that he'd returned, she remained motionless. Paralyzed, like a deer caught in the headlights.
I don't know what to do.
What should she say? How could she excuse her outrageous behavior?
As much as she'd enjoyed kissing him for seemingly hours last night, it would be easier just to pretend it had never happened. That seemed to be their way. They'd never spoken of their time on New Earth where they'd nearly crossed that line. After Quarra, she'd sensed her relationship with Jaffen had deeply wounded him, yet they'd never addressed that either.
However, as logical as that solution sounded, it felt unsatisfactory.
Thinking about Quarra reminded her that even though her memory had been tampered with, when she saw Chakotay, she'd felt drawn to him. She'd instinctively trusted him.
Despite her best efforts to deny it, she cared deeply about Chakotay. More than what was appropriate for a captain for her subordinate.
Had she already blurred those lines?
Could she quash the longings of her heart?
Or was it too late?
Her heart had been speaking loud and clear last night. Screaming in fact. Flaunting her desires in front of the entire crew, to hell with the consequences.
Was her will strong enough to tamp down those powerful feelings and suppress them?
Did she really want to do that?
The thought made her ill.
What type of person would she become if she swallowed those emotions?
Yet if she acknowledged them, facing the consequences was equally terrifying.
I should just let him go.
Her muscles were getting stiff as she attempted to wait him out. She'd forgotten that Chakotay was such a patient man. He wasn't going to let her off easily.
"We don't have to talk about last night now. But we do have to talk about it. And if we never do… then… that's it. I'm moving on," he said, with a note of finality.
That sounded like an ultimatum.
He means it. He's not playing the game anymore.
What should I do?
What do I want to do?
There's a difference, isn't there?
A career officer from a Starfleet family, she was fully aware of the call of duty and its responsibilities. How could she become involved with a member of her crew? In order to perform her duties effectively she needed to remain undistracted, giving her all to getting this crew home. Especially when her decisions had brought them into this mess in the first place.
Yet the strain of command had been eating away at her. Her blood pressure was rising, and she'd been losing weight. Her temper was becoming harder to control. She could no longer sleep for more than a few hours at a time.
How much longer could she survive like this?
Could she be the Captain for the next sixty years? Essentially the rest of her life? Starving Kathryn of any joy until she was utterly devoid of life, literally becoming the job? Giving up the opportunity for love of any kind?
It wasn't an appealing thought.
But she couldn't even imagine what a relationship with her first officer would look like. And what would the Starfleet brass think of her. If last night's events were humiliating, exposing her personal life to Starfleet upon their return to Earth would be an all-out disaster. They'd never respect her again.
She continued to wait for Chakotay to relent. She wiggled her nose, longing to scratch it.
Several minutes later, he sighed loudly.
"Okay. If that's how you want it." He leaned over to place a tender kiss on her cheek. "Goodbye, Kathryn." Lingering sadness filled his voice.
Did she really want to become The Captain for the rest of her life?
Was anyone asking that of her?
She was in unprecedented territory. While Starfleet had strict rules and guidelines, this wasn't any ordinary mission. This was her life, 24-7 with no breaks, no backups. Did she want to completely sacrifice it?
Did she want to surrender this opportunity for love and emotional support?
To never know Chakotay's touch again?
If she let him go, how was she going to face getting out of bed each morning?
How would she feel when she eventually saw him pairing off with another woman?
Last night showed her that her heart had already made the decision.
I can't do this anymore.
Before he was fully upright, she grabbed his shoulder and melted into him. He immediately embraced her. She breathed in his scent.
I need to say something. But what?
He needs more from me. I owe him that.
Meeting his eyes, she said, "Can we talk… later?"
That would give her time to use that hypospray and organize her thoughts. To better evaluate her options and determine how they could make this work.
Because she needed it to work.
His lips formed a sly smile. "That would be fine."
"Dinner?"
He immediately volunteered. "I'll cook."
"Then I'll bring the wine."
He leaned to kiss her cheek. With a sparkle in his eyes, he said, "See you on the bridge."
XXXXX
Is that crewman looking at me strangely?
As she walked along the corridor, she worried that people were laughing at her, especially after the show she'd put on last night.
Or maybe she was just being paranoid. She'd changed out of her party clothes in the privacy of her own quarters. She wasn't sneaking out of someone else's room at the crack of dawn. Yet, it still felt like she was participating in some antiquated walk of shame.
What did everyone see last night?
One of the disadvantages of postponing the talk was that Chakotay might've been able to share more details. Then she could've determined more accurately how much damage control was necessary. Did one or two crewmen see them sharing a few kisses in the corridor or had the two of them been hot and heavy in front of the entire complement on the holodeck?
This is absurd!
I don't have time for this! I have a ship to run!
Once she reached the bridge, she was positive that Tom Paris was smirking as he glanced at her.
She gave him a frosty stare in return. "Do I need to do a chemical analysis on that punch you served last night?" she sternly asked.
"No ma'am" was his sheepish reply, his head hung, properly chastised.
Harry Kim offered a shy smile towards her.
Could this day get any more awkward?
Chakotay slid into his seat, casually reaching over to graze her fingers with his. She wondered how he could look so alert after imbibing so much alcohol last night and getting so little sleep. He seemed so calm. So…content.
She yanked her fingers back, embarrassed that others might be watching. Of course, her response drew their attention.
For the love of God!
She bit her lip and stewed as she sat.
This is so uncomfortable. Everyone is watching the two of us. How are Chakotay and I ever going to make this work? How am I going to be able to keep my personal life separate from work when work is my life?
She was counting down the minutes until she could make an excuse to hide in her ready room.
Just before sufficient time elapsed, a ship hailed them.
"On screen"
Two imposing males with closely cropped hair and broad muscular shoulders stood before them. Their deeply tanned faces were streaked with garish white and red paint.
"Who are you that enters our space?"
She sighed inwardly, offended by the arrogant tone.
Not this again. Why does everyone think they own a piece of galactic real estate?
She stood and walked towards the viewscreen.
"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship, Voyager. We are far from our home. We are explorers and intend only to travel through this region of space. We mean you no harm."
"We are the Gadoshians. We are many and we are proud. We have the most skilled warriors and the fastest ships in the sector. We are conquerors in this region of space. Other races bow to us and pay us tribute. What is your tribute?"
She hated these types of aliens. The macho posturing and backward thinking. Their violent approach towards resolving conflict.
Or was she making too many assumptions based on this brief encounter?
"We'd be happy to share food or medical supplies with you." Was her standard reply which she predicted they would reject.
"Unacceptable. From you, with such a fine starship, we require a better offering. Technology - ships or weapons."
Of course, they did.
She was sorely tempted to demonstrate Voyager's superior capabilities with the full force of a photon torpedo.
There must be a more diplomatic solution.
Working harder than usual to keep her emotions in check, she said, "I'm afraid I can't do that. Our systems might not be compatible with yours."
The leader responded. "Even though it is most likely substandard compared to ours, this is how we operate."
She fought to maintain a neutral expression. "Well, it's not how we work."
"Captain, they're powering up weapons." Tuvok warned.
She barked out orders. "Red alert. Raise shields. Stand by with phasers." Turning her attention to the Gadoshians, she said, "I don't take kindly to threats. Stand down. I'm sure we can come to some understanding. Something mutually beneficial."
"They are powering down their weapons." Tuvok reported.
"You have one hour to give us what we want, or to present an acceptable alternative."
The screen went blank.
Striding towards Tuvok, she asked, "How are their weapon systems?"
She was hoping that their claims were mostly hot air.
"Quite formidable, I'm afraid. I'm also detecting similar ships heading towards this vicinity. It appears their warp capacity is close to our own," Tuvok said.
"Captain, we could disable their warp drive and make a run for it." Paris suggested.
"Indeed. I've identified a vulnerability in their ship design. We could disable them with a few shots." Tuvok added.
The crew looked expectantly towards her. It seemed like the right call, yet she wasn't fully convinced. Why couldn't she commit? This wasn't like her, vacillating during crunch time.
Putting her hand to her temple, she said, "Give me a few minutes. I'll be in my ready room."
The silence greeting her, as well as the absence of prying eyes, was a welcome change. Yet her thoughts were still noisily careening about her mind.
She hated bullies. And she'd never been afraid to meet fire with fire when circumstances were warranted. She didn't let aliens intimidate her.
And, as much as she hated it, part of her would derive enormous satisfaction from disabling the ship of those blowhards.
What is wrong with me?
Why can't I commit to a course of action?
It must be due to her confusion. Already her potential involvement with Chakotay was causing problems.
Adding to her consternation, Chakotay entered the ready room. He crossed the room and immediately folded his arms around her.
"What are you doing? Are you out of your mind?"
This is so inappropriate! Mixing work with pleasure? Now? During a potentially hostile alien encounter? What is he thinking?
When she tried to pull away, he merely tightened his grip, pulling her closer to his chest.
Does he think I'm not capable of handling this situation?
Chakotay said, "Just breathe. You're over thinking things."
"Are you implying I'm not capable of making a decision?"
"Not at all. You're distracted. You need to calm down."
She was not appeased. Trying to pull rank, and put the situation into proper context, she sternly said, "What does my First Officer advise?" She didn't appreciate him trying to undermine her. She continued to wriggle, attempting to slip from his embrace.
Smoothing her hair with his hand, he said, "I'm not here in that capacity. This is what you need to be able to perform your job. Be quiet. It'll come to you."
Confused, she stopped struggling. That man never ceased to surprise her. Then she considered his words. What did she have to lose? Clearing her head was the reason she'd come here. She leaned into him, breathing deeply, concentrating only on his scent and the feel of his arms around her. The sound of his beating heart and motion of his chest.
Strangely enough, it was helping her recenter and focus.
A few minutes later, he asked, "What's your gut telling you?"
The alien's aggressive tone had set them all on edge, goading them to respond in kind, to fight back. But there was more than one way to deal with that type of challenge. Hadn't she detected a glint of admiration in the leader's eyes when he saw that she wasn't cowed by his threats?
She suspected that Chakotay and most of the bridge crew would've supported disabling their ship and fleeing. But now that she was calmer, her gut confirmed there was a better way. With their boastfulness and war paint affectation, she sensed honor and pride were an integral part of their culture, similar to the Klingons.
"Let's challenge them to a series of contests. Give them a chance to demonstrate their so-called superior skill. Hand to hand fighting. Use of weaponry. A race between their best shuttle craft versus the Delta Flyer. Hell, maybe even have a drinking contest. It will entertain them and even if we lose most of the contests, it will give them a chance to flaunt how exceptional they believe they are."
Chakotay pointed out. "Look at the size of those guys. You'd better make sure that maiming or death of an opponent is not an option. Do you trust them?"
"Not really. I'll admit that it's a gamble. But we have to start somewhere. And frankly there could be hundreds of their ships patrolling this sector that would hunt us down if we disabled this ship."
"What about the stakes? If we lose, we might be in the same situation, forced to surrender technology or weapons."
"That's true. But I got the impression that bragging rights might be as important as plunder or the thrill of the hunt. Think about the tales they'll tell their people about their epic encounter with the Voyager crew."
"It's worth trying." He stroked her cheek with his fingertips. "You know, no one thinks less of you because of last night. In fact, I think they're happy for us."
She met his eyes and smiled. Then she pulled his face closer so she could kiss him. She'd been so fixated on how difficult it would be to keep her personal life completely separate from her professional life, that she didn't realize there could be overlap.
"This is going to work." She said, filled with renewed hope.
Smiling, he indicated that he understood she was referring to more than the Gadoshians.
As they returned to the bridge to negotiate with the aliens, she wasn't concerned about his hand resting on her shoulder.
THE END
A/N: SuzJ1 insists that this needs a part 3 showing the contests. That would be challenging to write, we'll see if I'm up to it. 😊 Or I might show the events on the holodeck that night from multiple characters' POV.