Dyslexia: There are many mistakes ahead of you, such is the way of language disabilities.
KEYnote: I'm depressed, guilt tripping myself hard, anxious, and I am writing this fic because I really want to read this. Many writers have written about this topic before, three things I offer that are different; not Anakin-centric, not Qui-Gon bashing, and I'm deviating wildly from the Apprentice books in the Apprentice books era. I've created my own mystery plot that has very little to do with the Sith and no Mandos.A
Summary: Master Obi-Wan Kenobi tries speaking up for Ahsoka during a Council meeting, when he is ignored he begins questioning everything he knows, the Force shows him the end of the war and then gives him a choice. Back at the beginning, can Obi-Wan learn to listen to the Force over the authority of the Order? Will Qui-Gon listen to the Force over his own fears? Time Travel! Pre-prequels!
Kind of a foil to Luminous We Are, if Obi-Wan had stayed with the Order without a lot more internal Jedi drama than outsider politics.
Prologue
Obi-Wan's fingers modelled beneath his robe sleeves, "Ahsoka Tano did not do this. She would not do this."
Sadly, he would suspect Anakin before Ahsoka.
"Argue with the Senate, we cannot. Tried before the public, she will be," Yoda said.
Obi-Wan froze, his breath coming out of him in whoosh.
How easily they had dismissed her, a youngling who had sacrificed so much, who had fought and killed for them.
Is this what the Jedi were? Is this what they had become?
He rose to his feet but before he could speak, Yoda said, "If interfer you do, the Order suffer, it will."
Manipulation.
Even now.
Obi-Wan had chosen Ahsoka as his next Padawan and Yoda had assigned her to Anakin, as Obi-Wan himself had been thrown at Qui-Gon.
He had carried that rejection, that insecurity, with him always.
Obi-Wan said nothing to Yoda, merely walked out. He would give what information to Anakin he could. Anakin would stop at nothing to help Ahsoka and Obi-Wan would do all he could, and delay the Council as long as he could.
Yet with each step the darkness seemed to enclose around him, constricting his heart. Obi-Wan threw his arm out to catch himself, leaning into the wall for support.
He saw Ahsoka's trial, saw his fellow Council hold him back, her walking away from the Temple, saw Anakin's darkness grow more distant as everything began to descend into darkness.
He saw the Temple burning, saw bodies of younglings and Masters fallen on the stones, and felt it.
Felt the stars go out.
Ten thousand Knights, dying one by one, and the clones falling with them even as their will was somehow stripped away.
He saw the Temple torn apart, an Imperial Palace replacing it.
They would win this war, at the cost of losing everything they had thought to represent.
It broke him.
Obi-Wan fell to his knees, tears spilling down his face.
Anakin glared at him with yellow eyes.
He was burning. His Padawan, his brother.
Burning even as the light that had always encompassed him was drowned in darkness.
I hate you!
Obi-Wan saw all the mistakes he had made, all the slips he allowed Anakin to make.
Anakin had refused to keep going to a mind healer. Anakin had ignored Obi-Wan's insistence that Palpatine, a politician, was a bad influence, all the little infractions in his Padawanship that Obi-Wan had enabled which no other apprentice would have been allowed.
His relationship with Padme that Obi-Wan had resigned himself to waiting for Anakin to discuss with him willingly.
If he had made Anakin choose, would that have been better? By believing that Anakin was strong enough to find his way, find his balance between responsibilities, had Obi-Wan condemned him?
All these mistakes, all this darkness…
All of it pointless, doomed to fail by their own arrogance.
Even in the dark, he felt the Force embrace him.
Obi-Wan wrapped it around himself, holding onto the only surety left to him.
They were all children in the end, he had so much to learn.
The Force glimmered, holding him tighter, and as the world fell away, succumbing to darkness, all he heard was the sound of silence.
This was not the first time Obi-Wan Kenobi had felt the brush of death.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It seems I've come to talk to you again.
The Force responded with a vision of his own past, before he had been chosen as a Padawan, when he believed that to be a good Jedi was to be perfect, that the ideal Jedi was one that lived by the Code and was purely loyal to his voice.
But look at where that had gotten him.
War and chaos and darkness.
Amorality wherever he looked.
The Order was complacent and the Republic…
Democracy was worth fighting for but the Senate was corrupt and did not bat an eye at the horrors of the galaxy.
Qui-Gon Jinn had once believed that Anakin would be the one to balance the Force, to free those who lived under the thumbs of an uncaring system, to realize his dreams of a better galaxy.
The future the Force was showing him was the exact opposite.
Children, they were all such ignorant children and when the Force reached for him he was blind and deaf, mute and lost; but blindly, Obi-Wan reached back.
Obi-Wan remembered what Qui-Gon had once told him: And I fear nothing. For all is as the Force wills it.
So Obi-Wan did not fear, he trusted. Even if darkness was all he would ever see, through the Force, he was assured the stars would go one.
And when next he opened his eyes, the world was larger, his hands smaller, and he was humbled because the Force had done the impossible and given him a second chance.
Chapter 1 - The Only Answer
Obi-Wan found the adjustment to being twelve more than a little difficult.
His body was badly out of sync with his mind.
General Obi-Wan Kenobi had lived off of mostly ration bars, to the point where he only ate to live and did not enjoy eating.
Initiate Obi-Wan was on the cusp of puberty and was currently experiencing a growth spurt. His stomach roiled with hunger, and yet, his mind opposed the idea so instead of having an appetite, he felt sick.
He also found himself tripping over his own feet. His lightsaber was still that of Initiate and the crystal no longer recognized him which made practicing difficult.
He had never been scolded as many times by Master Cin Drallig than he was in those first few weeks of falling back in time. Going from one of the best in his year, to one of the worst, prompted a lot of sniggering from especially from Siri Tachi and Bruck Chun.
Obi-Wan was so happy that the pair were alive that he was never offended, taking Master Drallig's criticism with grace.
His other classes weren't difficult, but with his new perspective, he found himself taking an abundance of notes critiquing the classes and the structure of the lectures. He was careful to write shorthand to ensure that if anyone looked over his work they wouldn't immediately notice the differences to his old way of taking notes.
Funnily enough, he earned his first forty percent on a test in Ki-Adi Mundi's class on trade routes between the Core worlds and the Inner Rim.
Obi-Wan had cited a number of sources that came from activists rather than history texts.
So really, the only thing Obi-Wan was doing well with was his meditations. Which was good seeing as he was still plagued by sleepless nights. But all in all, Obi-Wan took this reprieve from the Force as the gift it was.
The Force was clouded, the Sith were out there, the Jedi were a waning people, but the light…
The Light remained.
Obi-Wan treasured every moment with it.
Master Ali-Alann was furious, simply furious.
And Ki-Adi Mundi was as abstinent as always.
"You cannot expel him from the eligibility of an apprenticeship for challenging your views on corruption in the Senate," Ali-Alann said, his voice lowering with each word.
Mace held out his hand for the report, "It can't be that bad."
"He will not respect our mandate," Ki-Adi Mundi warned, handing the flimsy to Mace.
"Obi-Wan could recite the Code within months of arriving at the Order," Ali-Alann said through his teeth. "He won't be the first student who found some fringe news sources that altered their views."
Ali-Alann was distracted from the Council member's response as Mace's Force presence shifted.
The Korun's brows shut up as he read and by the time he was finished, his eyebrows looked as if they wanted to escape from his face, "This is…" Mace dragged his eyes up to meet Ali-Alann's gaze. "This is well written and well reasoned." He offered it to Ali-Alann.
With the intention of skimming it, Ali-Alann found himself rereading it twice. "He's never been to the lower levels to my knowledge."
"He could have easily researched this in the archives if he knew what to look for," Mace said.
"And what are the chances of that?" Ki-Adi Mundi burst out.
Mace shrugged, "He is a young teen, teens rebel, and if he does so by widening his horizons and understanding of the galaxy then that is nothing to prevent. The galaxy, after all, is a complex place. I wish more of our Initiates had the maturity to deal with these topics."
Ki-Adi Mundi gaped, "You are going to let this pass?"
"I think the grade you gave him is bad enough," Ali-Alann said dryly.
"How has he been?" Mace asked.
Ali-Alann sighed, "Quiet, disturbed sleep, but otherwise… he seems content. He's been meditating a lot more than I have seen him do before."
Mace smiled softly, "Self-reflection, that is good to hear." He turned back to other Council member, "Master Ki-Adi Mundi, drop this. You are free to grade him however you deem fit, but there will be no disciplinary action for additional research. I will speak with Jocasta to ensure he isn't delving into anything that may prove dangerous, but I have very few concerns."
Ki-Adi Mundi gave a curt bow before departing without a backward glance.
Mace sighed.
Ali-Alann shook his head, "The younglings are easier to tend to than some on the Council."
Mace closed his eyes if searching for strength, "That, perhaps, is an understatement."
Master Qui-Gon Jinn had vowed to take on no other Padawans.
Not after Xanatos had fallen to the dark side and not a year later, Feemor —who was a Master Seeker— was murdered by a rogue Mandalorian bounty hunter.
He couldn't take another heartbreak, he couldn't raise another Jedi only to be parted with them so cruelly.
And since it was only natural for the universe to spite him, a young Initiate had caught his attention.
The boy was a young blonde who reminded him painfully of Feemor, but with a Force presence that was wholly his own.
Qui-Gon had sensed him for the first time months ago, drawn to the bleeding of pain and sorrow that had tinted the Living the Force. Yet the source of that agony was a youngling with a serene expression sitting on the rim of a fountain.
In the Force, the boy felt as if he were drowning, but seeing his face, Qui-Gon could feel the youngling accepting comfort from the Force.
Such a connection was rare and remarkable. To find comfort in the Force and feel the full depth of one's emotions was something many Masters, himself included, struggled with.
Qui-Gon was careful to never disturb the boy, but day after day —when he was not off-world— Qui-Gon found the boy meditating, for hours on end.
He asked around, learning the boy's name was Obi-Wan Kenobi. So when Qui-Gon found his preference for meditating in the Room of a Thousand Fountains over the Temple's gardens, he didn't need the Force's urging to admit defeat.
Tahl laughed after he told her his intention to break his vow so soon.
"The Force works in mysterious ways," she teased. "So tell me about him."
"He meditates for hours," Qui-Gon said.
Tahl shook her head, her slim dreads sliding over her shoulders, "Of course, you would pick the weirdest Initiate in the Order."
"Meditating isn't weird," Qui-Gon protested.
"Qui-Gon, even you and I didn't spend hours willingly meditating when we were younger. Is that your only reason for choosing him?" she asked primly, taking a sip from her tea cup.
"He's been researching complex civil matters in the Senate and he is failing Ki-Adi Mundi's class."
Tahl nearly spat her tea as she howled with laughter.
Qui-Gon couldn't help but smile at the sound.
Finally, after regaining herself, she was able to ask, "Have you introduced yourself yet?"
"No, but there is an open sparring session for the Initiates this afternoon. Would you like to join me?" he asked.
She grinned, "To see the apprentice that broke you from your brooding? I wouldn't miss it."
Obi-Wan had been practising his Form III katas in his room. The tight quarters were both challenging and afforded him privacy.
He had been bunking with Quinlan Vos but he had moved out a year ago, so he had the room to himself.
Obi-Wan's katas were nowhere near what they had been in his adulthood, and only through channelling an exhausting amount of the Force could he push his body to keep up with his mind. Otherwise, a significant portion of his concentration was dedicated to controlling his muscles and not tripping over himself.
This was a good thing, of course, seeing as going from youngling to a Master of Soresu would have been suspicious.
Still, when Obi-Wan caught sight of Masters Qui-Gon and Tahl, his heart sank. He didn't remember Qui-Gon or Tahl ever coming to an Initiate Presentation before.
Bruck elbowed him as he went past, "Scared Oafy-Wan?"
Obi-Wan swallowed, he was in fact.
The last time he had seen his Master, he had been dying in his arms. How badly had he failed Qui-Gon?
Yes, Obi-Wan had been given a second chance at life, but that didn't mean he had been given a second chance as Qui-Gon's apprentice. Especially right now when so awkward in his own skin.
He should have had the rest of the year before encountering him again. And someone like Qui-Gon, or Tahl for that matter, would notice his awkwardness with his friends, as well as the fact that he was still grieving.
Grieving losses that might never be.
He tried to purge his fear into the Force.
Trust.
He had to trust, all was as the Force willed it.
Siri shot a smirk in Obi-Wan's direction as she and Garen walked into the mats.
Siri beat Garen easily, but she dragged on the fight to show off. Which, if he remembered correctly, had paid off as Adi Gallia was present in the stands to witness the display.
"You're never going to be chosen," Bruck whispered to Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan wasn't afraid of that, he was, however, afraid of making a fool out of himself in front of Qui-Gon.
Although, Obi-Wan was pretty sure that Qui-Gon would be impressed by his grades in Ki-Adi Mundi's class.
He thought he would have more time, but as long as he didn't completely crash and burn, he hoped Qui-Gon might not discount him this time around.
More sorrow than anger lived in his heart now.
Obi-Wan was called up with, of course, none other than Bruck Chun.
Yoda watched Obi-Wan with a spectivalive gaze that he tried to ignore.
He was probably going to screw this up.
The moment the duel began, Bruck charged him. Obi-Wan had to backtrack fast. He saw Bruck's every weakness, every misstep, felt the riot of his emotions, his desire to conquer. But while his mind gave him opportunity, Obi-Wan wasn't physically as strong as he had once been, not as fast as he needed to be, not as precise as he needed to be. But he never came close to being hit.
Obi-Wan realized then why he hadn't been chosen then, either of them. Their desire to beat each other had been greater than their apparent drive for excellence.
Obi-Wan tripped over his own heel. He didn't fight gravity, instead rolling back, coming up to swipe at Bruck's legs.
It was a bit of a feint, seeing as if he had extended so much as a centimetre he could have taken his foot off with a saber on full power.
As Obi-Wan was still on the ground, Bruck became overzealous, bringing his lightsaber down. Obi-Wan raised his saber catching the blow.
Bruck snarled down at him.
Obi-Wan smiled up at the Initiate in return.
Bruck's eyes went wide, he had a half second to realise the strike had unbalanced him.
Obi-Wan deactivated his saber.
At the sudden loss of resistance, the bigger boy tilted forward.
Obi-Wan caught Bruck's wrist to control the other's lightsaber while kicking at Brucks ankle. Obi-Wan controlled Bruck's fall, using the momentum to flip them. Bruck lost his grip on his lightsaber.
And the duel ended with Bruck sprawled out on his stomach, Obi-Wan's knee at his back and two blue lightsabers crossed on either side of his neck.
Even though Obi-Wan had won, he knew his showing of Soresu was dismal and that Master Drallig would definitely have a thing or two to say.
But at this stage, that wasn't the point of these presentations. No Master was looking for a Master at blade work, or at least they shouldn't have been, rather what they were looking for was calmness under pressure, thought while fighting, and of course, one's reliance on the Force.
"Kenobi wins," an older Padawan who had been tasked with being referee said.
Obi-Wan immediately deactivated both sabers and got off Bruck. Bruck sprang to his feet and Obi-Wan held out the boy's saber immediately.
Bruck snatched it from his hand and Obi-Wan bowed, reminding Bruck to do the same before marching off angrily.
Bruck's cheeks were flushed red as he stumbled and gave a half bow in turn.
"Well fought, that was," Yoda said, sounding pleased with both of them. "Strong fighter, Young Bruck, you are. Unbalanced you were, Young Kenobi, but clever and clear minded you were. Most impressed, I am."
Obi-Wan flushed, he couldn't help it. No matter how much he disagreed with Yoda at times, the Grandmaster could always make him feel like a youngling.
"Thank you, Master Yoda," Obi-Wan and Bruck said together, bowing in unison before turning back to the other Initiates.
Siri looked at him with a new appraisal, while Garen and Bant were bouncing with excitement.
Garen said in a hushed voice, "That was amazing."
Obi-Wan smiled and shrugged.
Bant said, "But you look like you haven't slept in a week. You would have done better if you had been sleeping."
"And not spending so much time in the archives," Garen grumbled.
"Shh!"Aalto hushed them, he was human and a friend to both Bruck and Siri.
Yoda was speaking with Adi Gallia and Obi-Wan was not surprised when Yoda called Siri forward just as he had the last time.
"Initiate Siri Tachi," Adi began, "Would you like to become my Padawan learner?"
Siri bowed deeply, "It would be my greatest honour, Master Galia."
What happened next did surprise him.
"Initiate Obi-Wan Kenobi, step forward you will."
Obi-Wan felt his heart race and looked up to the stands where Masters Tahl and Qui-Gon sat perfectly still.
Something like devastation or disappointment coloured Qui-Gon's mask that had once been so unreasonable to him. But even though it had been a decade, Obi-Wan would never forget his Master.
Never stop regretting the time they had lost and the conversations they would never have, until; time travel.
But Qui-Gon did not rise to greet him. Nor did anyone else.
Obi-Wan frowned down at Yoda.
Was he going to be tested again? If so then why?
He reached for the Force and had to suppress a flinch when the Force snarled at him. Warning him away, warning him that danger was intimate and that this moment would break or define the course of history.
A shatter point.
"My Padawan," Yoda asked. "Become will you, youngling Obi-Wan Kenobi?"
Obi-Wan's breath caught in his throat, this was supposed to be an honour.
The greatest honour to be asked by the Grandmaster of the Jedi Order.
But all he could think of in that moment was that Yoda was the Jedi who had denied him the right to take on another Padawan and condemned Ahsoka without hesitation.
The moment seemed to stretch on forever, but no matter the consequences, he knew his choice well before he was able to summon his answer.
The only answer he could give.
Qui-Gon was impressed and slightly bemused.
Obi-Wan Kenobi was a fine fighter and not many initiates focused on defence, and after Xanatos, it was a major point in his favour in Qui-Gon's book.
When he tripped over his own feet, Tahl made a low sound of pity, only to gasp a moment later when Obi-Wan turned off his lightsaber and with a motion so fluid it had to be Force assisted.
It gave Qui-Gon hope.
Feemor had been wonderful, despite still grieving from the loss of his first Master, but Xanatos had shown signs of aggression from the beginning.
Yet a youngling who meditated on his own volition and was attempting to tackle a saber form like Soresu?
That was a Padawan Qui-Gon could trust, because if someone like that couldn't become a Jedi Knight, then no one could.
And he shined in the Force, a sun blotting out the distant stars.
Adi chose Siri Tachi to be her first Padawan. The girl had done well, shown maturity and control over her form, well above her age-mates.
Qui-Gon let them have their moment before he made his own request, but he found himself frozen in his seat when Yoda called Obi-Wan Kenobi forward.
Tahl caught his hand even as he felt his heart sink.
This couldn't be happening. When he asked around, he had learned that Obi-Wan was one of Yoda's favourites but…
But hope died when Yoda asked, "My Padawan, become will you, youngling Obi-Wan Kenobi?"
No, no, no, no! Qui-Gon thought, holding on tight to Tahl's hand.
No one turned down Yoda, no one ever had and no was ever likely too.
And yet…
Obi-Wan Kenobi hesitated. Clearly shocked, didn't answer as the moments ticked by.
A little eternity rose and fell before the Initiate cleared his voice and said:
"No."
Qui-Gon blinked, had he heard him correctly?
"No?" Yoda asked, ears twitching.
Obi-Wan again visibly swallowed, heat rising to his cheeks but he said with clarity and certainty, "No, Grandmaster Yoda. But thank you for considering me." He bowed nearly in half at the waist and with cheeks now bright red. For half a moment, his blue-grey eyes looked up to the stands, catching Qui-Gon's gaze before departed from the dojo as quickly as he was able without literally running.
The silence Obi-Wan left in his wake was audible.
Did that just happen?
Did an Initiate just turn down an apprenticeship?
An apprenticeship with Grandmaster Yoda?
Qui-Gon was going to have to tell Dooku himself, but after…
After Qui-Gon spoke with Obi-Wan to see if the boy had ambitions to leave the Order or join one of the Corps, or simply didn't want Yoda to be his Master?
Qui-Gon doubted the boy had an easy road ahead of him, he would be condemned by many for spurring the Grandmaster.
However, Qui-Gon personally thought Obi-Wan had shown a great amount of wisdom if, for whatever reason, he wasn't at peace with Yoda being his Master.
AN: So this story will be extremely Jedi-focused. Thoughts, ideas, feedback for the muses so we can enjoy life a little more, or orcas?