Disclaimer: I do not own the show or characters. All I own is the writing and story.
Author's Note: This began as a drabble, believe it or not...I don't know how it turned into this monstrosity of a size. I've never written a one-shot this long before but I couldn't stop myself from writing, clearly.
Running on Empty
Every time she felt angry or upset she ran. When it felt like the walls were caving in on her and she couldn't take one single breath in for the life of her she ran. When her mind was whirling a mile a minute and she couldn't silence her thoughts for even one measly second she ran and she ran with a vengeance.
Running became apart of her life the moment she learned she could do it. She hadn't stopped since. Every chance she got she was running—whether it was outside or on the treadmill she purchased for her apartment. Nothing ever got between Lorna Morello and a damn good run. Nothing except for love. Love wasn't what she was running to find but it showed up on her path and froze her from continuing down it. Temporarily, anyway. Love blinded her the second it showed up, confusing her and leaving her even angrier and frustrated than before. Running grew fiercer with those distasteful emotions that had been trying to express themselves through her.
Feeling emotions, despite if they were good or bad, wasn't something Lorna particularly found herself fond of. Another reason she kept on running. Running took up almost all of the energy she had making it nearly impossible to feel the emotions fighting so hard to get out of her. If she put all of her focus on running she wouldn't have to stress over feeling. She wouldn't feel anything. That was the high running left her with. Nothingness, emptiness. Some people chose drugs for that but she turned to running. At least running wouldn't kill her like drugs could and would kill drug addicts. That was what she repeated to herself to rationalize the obsession she had with her running habit.
In her apartment, one she rented the second she turned eighteen, she was isolated from her family and friends. No one knew the extremeness of her running. No one knew she ran any time a negative emotion popped into her brain. But she did all of that, even went as far as to run a couple of hours each morning before work and another two when she returned home in the evenings. It wasn't a problem in her mind, not at all. Running was exercise and exercise was a good thing for everyone. No one ever died from exercise.
But no one exercised while also only surviving on water and coffee a day—with the occasional apple and bowl of cornflakes thrown in there. Lorna didn't mind her choices, though, the emptier her stomach the better the run she had. She craved the sensation of emptiness and that included having an empty stomach. Starving herself wasn't technically a means for her to lose weight, it was just to have that warm feeling of nothingness. The weight loss that accompanied it was only a natural consequence. A natural consequence which she wasn't against in the slightest. She was aware she wasn't overweight or anything of that sort, however, she could do with a couple of pounds coming off. In fact, she strived to have a body akin to a skeleton. Because then the outside of her would match how she felt on the inside.
Love snuck up on her when she least expected it. She never really expected to acquaint herself with love, actually. At one point in her childhood she fantasized about meeting her prince charming and living happily ever after with him but that fantasy soon vanished when she hit puberty and discovered she was really a lesbian. She never shared that discovery with anyone since being raised in an Italian catholic family she knew she was doomed to hell if she ever chose to act on her lesbianism. Her family would disown her and she'd be banished to the streets. So she kept that to herself for the rest of her teenage years.
Even after she moved into her small apartment a couple months past her eighteenth birthday she hadn't disclosed what she'd found about herself to anyone; not even her sister nor mother who she was closest to were aware of that side of her. She didn't think she would ever be able to fall in love knowing she was attracted to women. She loathed the thought of going to hell when she died. So, she turned to running even more. That was the main reason she bought herself a treadmill. If she couldn't have a romantic partner, she might as well marry her love for running. At least running wouldn't deem her a disgrace in the eyes of her family.
But working as a waitress at a local Italian diner, she met someone who made her question everything she felt. It was a man by the name of Vincent Muccio. He flashed her a smile after paying for his order one afternoon and a strange sensation came over her when she gave a small smile back. She wasn't sure if it was butterflies or a phantom feeling of butterflies. Maybe she hated herself so much for being a lesbian that her mind was playing tricks on her. Her mind was trying to make her believe she was straight and that this man in front of her was someone special.
The conflicting emotions had her running so fast on her treadmill that evening once she'd got off work that she swore she witnessed her life flash before her eyes. Panting heavy and sweating profusely, after a ninety-minute session, she jumped down and plopped onto the sofa. She rested a hand over her forehead, beads of sweat quickly coming in contact with it, and inhaled sharply. Love wasn't supposed to happen to her. Especially not with a man. An Italian man she met at her waitress job, at that.
She was pissed at herself for agreeing to a date with Vincent. But his smile and brown eyes swooned her over. Was she straight after all? Lines of puzzlement—and exasperation—creased on her forehead. It didn't make sense how she could be after having spent the past several years in her own mental hell because she discovered her attraction to other women. Scared that she was going to hell and would have to spend what was left of her life on Earth alone with her treadmill and empty stomach.
It didn't matter. She wanted to make her parents proud like her brother and sister had so regardless of if she was either lesbian or straight she had to give this thing with Vincent a try. Maybe she could pretend to be straight at the very least, she could pretend she liked Vincent in a romantic way and at least then she wouldn't have to live alone forever.
The first date was vastly romantic, exactly what her younger self had always dreamed of—yet it left Lorna less than enthusiastic about going on another one. They shared a quick kiss goodbye, the first one Lorna ever had experienced and it wasn't as great as she thought it might be. She didn't feel sparks like she always imagined she would. She didn't even like the feel of his lips on hers but she forced herself to smile at him and accept his offer of a second date that following Saturday.
Each subsequent date the pair had gone on Lorna felt less and less excited to be seeing him. In fact she felt nauseous even when he would just call her to ask her out but she couldn't decline. She wanted to please her family, to make them believe she was normal like Franny and Mikey—who both were married now with a couple of kids of their own. All she had was her apartment and a treadmill. Not much to be admired about her, that was for certain.
By the time fall rolled around, Lorna found herself in a relationship with Vincent—who she now referred to as Vinny. Things between them weren't as fun and easygoing as they'd been before he asked her to be his girlfriend. Romance had dried out and in its place was a lot more hostility. A lot more anger, irritation, and yelling. Vinny was a different man than the one she stumbled upon in the diner all those months earlier. He was a mean, cold-hearted, and—on occasion—sadistic manipulator.
Despite all of those negative attributes, however, Lorna couldn't find it in her to leave him. She knew he was her only chance of leading a normal life. At least a normal life her family could get behind. A normal life that the church she still went to would accept. So, no matter how much pain she was in, she put up with Vinny. She had to. He was her only means of having a romantic partner. Even though she couldn't stand the thought of lying beside him in a bed. The two still hadn't even had sex. She felt sick any time he even brought it up.
Her distaste for sex with him only escalated his hostility and anger towards her. Lorna ended up wearing hoodies the majority of the time to keep hidden whatever bruises his anger resulted in. At least she was in a heterosexual relationship was what she told herself when she felt like throwing in the towel and kicking him out of her apartment. She was infuriated when he demanded that because they were a couple now they had to move in together. Living alone was something she very much enjoyed, something she very much wanted to keep doing but she had to give in to his demands if she wanted to keep up this charade.
Running was now her escape. When she felt suffocated by Vinny and his always needing to know her whereabouts, she ran faster—harder. The treadmill was locked up in her bedroom closet, which now was their bedroom, because Vinny didn't like the ungodly sight of it in their living room. God forbid people see that his girlfriend was an exercise freak. She hated him for that. He could scream and yell at her all he wanted but to abuse her treadmill the way he had when he moved in—he was nothing more than a piece of scum in her eyes. That treadmill had been with her through her entire cycle of self-hatred. It didn't deserve to be hidden away like it now was.
As time progressed and fall transformed into winter, Lorna's get-up and go diminished more and more each day she awoke next to Vinny. He made her incredibly uncomfortable, not just because she was terrified of his rages but also from how he kept bringing up the need for sex. She didn't want to have sex with him. The visualization of what it might be like was enough to make her physically ill. If she actually had to go through with it, she couldn't imagine what repercussions she might face.
But he was persistent about the topic. She couldn't handle his pleading any longer. It was making even her love for running suffer since all she wanted to do was lock herself away in their bedroom just to avoid his desperate pleas to have sex with her.
One day once they'd both gotten home from their perspective jobs, she reluctantly—very reluctantly—informed him they could have sex that night after dinner. Even the act of only verbally telling him she was okay with doing the deed made her stomach churn in unease. Her mouth burned with acid that regurgitated up from her esophagus.
Dinner went by in eerie silence. Lorna kept her eyes on Vinny between microscopic bites of her salad watching as he all but scarfed his meal down. She gulped unnervingly at the sight. Clearly, he was wanting to get dinner finished fast so they could go to the bedroom. She wasn't sure how that assumption she came to made her feel. She certainly wasn't going to finish eating her entire plate that much she knew. She never finished her meals completely but she ended up leaving it almost entirely full that night. Too distracted by the fact that in a matter of minutes she was going to be lying next to a naked Vinny in the bed they now shared.
Minutes felt like only seconds. Lorna hated lying in the nude on their bed. She hated even more that Vinny was lying right beside her in the nude as well. The thought of having to see his penile region instantly brought some of her dinner back up to her mouth. She forced herself to swallow it down again but was left with a rather sour taste afterwards.
She was a virgin. She didn't know what to do and definitely wasn't about to ask Vinny. She didn't want to be here, to have sex. She only was doing this to make him happy and shut him the fuck up about it already. God, she wished there was a way she could weasel herself out of this but when she felt his legs straddling over her hips she knew it was too late for that. His legs had her locked there beneath him and she hated every minute of it. She wanted to stop but she couldn't. He would just get upset and give her another bruise that she really couldn't afford to have.
Vinny's hands grappled hard around her breasts—a sensation that had taken her by surprise which caused a yelp out of her mouth along with a violent jolt from her body. She squeezed her eyes shut hoping if she did so it would help her to calm down and let her be submissive to his demands so that this could finish up faster. It did no such thing, however. She felt more and more repulsed each time he touched her. She didn't want to go through with this any longer. No matter the consequence if she stopped him.
"I don't wanna have sex, anymore. Please, I-I changed my mind. I can't do this, Vinny."
"Too late, we're having it and that's that. Stop bein' such a pussy about it, Lorna. Jesus fucking Christ. This is why I beat ya because you're so damn wimpy. Get a backbone and get over it. It's just sex. Learn how to be a girlfriend cause' no other guy is gonna be as kind to you as me," Vinny roared, letting his hand release from Lorna's breast so that he could instead use his hands to help guide his penis down towards Lorna's vagina.
He didn't mind one bit the fighting Lorna's body did to try to escape his touch. He was getting what he wanted whether she agreed to it or not. He forced himself inside of her and thrusted it against her clit until he felt an orgasm course through his own genital. After a couple more times, he removed his penis and lied down beside Lorna's tremoring body. He shrugged his shoulders, turning on his side away from her. It wasn't his problem that Lorna was such a chicken shit.
Ever since that day Lorna felt something within her change and not for the better. Running was literally the only thing she could do to stop herself from feeling anything at all. It was the only thing she wanted to do and she did it any chance she got. Even long into the night she was running on that godforsaken treadmill of hers. She needed to achieve that sensation of emptiness she was so longingly desiring. Vinny's touches and having felt the disturbed sense of his genital penetrating into hers—she needed cleansed of how filthy and dirty that horrid night left her. Running was all that would give her such a thing.
Tension was high between she and Vinny and, eventually, his anger became too much for her to continue to handle. She wanted her apartment back. She wanted her freedom back. But she had no fucking idea how to go about receiving either of those things. The only positive turn her life was taking was the new mysterious female customer who suddenly started becoming a regular at the diner she still picked up shifts at. She hadn't taken an interest in any of the customers' since her relationship with Vinny blossomed—or rather, embellished itself out of wanting to appease the morals as well as religious values of her family.
She always made sure to waitress the table said female chose to sit at, intrigued by not only her physical appearance but also her personality. The diner was a smoke-friendly environment, so, whenever the redhead woman stopped in she had a cigarette dangling between her fingers. Her voice raspy and husky as a byproduct of her smoking—yet, that only attracted Lorna to her even more. There was something comforting about the way the customer sounded when she spoke. Lorna could sit and listen to her talk for days without needing a break.
Once again Lorna was left with feelings of confusion and uncertainty. One minute she was somehow attracted to a man but the next minute she was head-over-heels for a woman she didn't even know the name of. Maybe attraction to Vinny was a slight overstatement—the only reason she chose to start things up with him was out of her desperation to keep her parents from thinking she was a total reject in comparison to her older siblings. If there had been a true attraction she wouldn't have felt utterly repulsed of having sex with him, of seeing his genitals like she definitely was the night he took her virginity.
Now, however, she was stood in the kitchen doorway—waiting for the order to be finished—gazing out into the dining hall at the very table the redhead woman was sitting. Eyes glazed over as they took in the sight of her. A sigh whistled from her throat. She wished her family wasn't the bible-thumping family it was. Wished she could live her authentic life as the lesbian she knew she was. Be with a woman like the one she was currently mind-fucked over at this very moment.
She must have been in a trance for a while because it took someone's physically tapping her on the shoulder to get her to notice the order was finally up and ready for her to deliver to the table. Immediately, Lorna turned around and grabbed the tray from her coworker's hands. "Sorry, I musta been daydreamin' or something," she quickly apologized with a sheepish smile.
The taller, black-haired, woman chuckled and shrugged her shoulders. Arms crossed over her chest as she fixed her eyes in direction of where she saw Lorna staring off to when she first came over to hand her the finished meal. "Or maybe you're standing here daydreaming about that girl again, yeah?" She said while pointing a finger at the table where the redhead was seated, a smirk on her face as she gave a playful wink right after.
Cheeks blushed a bright shade of pink at her coworker's observation. Had she done that often? Lorna swallowed thickly and fidgeted in her stance. Hands gripped tighter onto the tray of food both to steady herself and to make sure the tray didn't fall from her grasp. "Erm, is it that obvious?" She furrowed a brow though knew it had to be. She had nearly been salivating for the past ten minutes watching the redhead. If only she could act on her feelings, she thought. If only she could allow herself to be her lesbian self. Maybe then she wouldn't have to constantly be running all the time. Maybe if she could have the luxury of living as the true lesbian she was she wouldn't have to focus all of her energy and attention on running.
"It's painfully obvious, kid," the other nodded with a light-hearted smile. "Have ya thought about tryna talk to her? Like I mean you get off in ten minutes, anyway, why don't ya ask if it's okay to join her? She looks like she could use the company, I mean she's always here alone."
The thought had crossed Lorna's mind on a number of occasions. Of course that was something she wanted to do but she also knew Vinny didn't like when she stayed out too late after work. He was a jealous son of a bitch ever since the two had agreed to move in to her apartment together. If she chose to stay and have a chat with her new, secret, favorite customer she sensed the consequences when she arrived home wouldn't be pleasant. But the longer she thought it over the more she didn't care about whatever the consequences might be.
She shook herself out of thought and returned her coworker's stare. Shoulders bounced up in a small shrug. "I guess I could do that, Alex. But I mean I still gotta deal with Vinny—"
Quirking an eyebrow, Alex held up a hand to halt her from continuing. "Ya mean that guy who kept eyeing you like a damn object? You're still with him, Lorn?"
Unfortunately was the first thought that came to Lorna's mind. She swallowed down the regret and bit down on her lower lip. She and Alex had become rather close friends over the course of the past year they'd been coworkers together at the diner. Alex knew everything that was going on in her life and vice versa. "He lives in my apartment now and I don't know how to get rid of him, Al. I thought if I could be a girlfriend to him then I wouldn't be attracted to girls anymore," she muttered, shifting her eyes away and out through the window to watch the leaves fall from the trees which surrounded the diner.
Shaking her head, the taller woman couldn't resist from letting out a small chuckle at her friend's disclosure. One which only continued affirming to her how naïve Lorna could be. "Oh, kid, you and I both know you're a lesbian and no matter how many fake boyfriends you have they will never be able to change your sexual orientation. I wish you would just let yourself be with someone you actually wanna be with instead of forcing this relationship with that Vinny guy. You're never gonna be truly happy with him, kid."
The statement couldn't be more factual if it tried. She wouldn't ever be happy being with Vinny and she knew that more than anyone. She hated the hole she'd gotten herself into by agreeing to a relationship with him, by agreeing to live together. But the mere thought of her family not accepting her for loving women the same way her sister loved men was too overbearing for her to find it within herself to change the current dynamic. She pushed aside the feelings of regret with a large smile being forced onto her face. Forcing smiles had been a rather innate part of her life by then—she'd begun learning to put up a façade in her early teens when she realized the lesbianism within her. Now the gesture was second nature to her. She didn't have to even think about it.
"I'm thinkin' about asking him to move outta my place. But I don't think I can completely break things off with him just yet. I'm tryna wait until after the holidays so my parents don't go on their spiel of how I'm getting too old to not be settlin' down with a man and all that shit," was her truthful response. If she could just get through the holiday season with Vinny as her boyfriend, then she could finally be rid of him for good. Just needed to make it to the new year and pretend she was becoming all domesticated like Franny so her parents would get off her back about it.
Placing a hand on either side of her hip, Alex tilted her head and gave a narrowing stare onto the shorter woman. "Why is what your parents want more important than what you want?" It was difficult for Alex to put herself in Lorna's shoes—her mother always supported her growing up, even more so when she came out to her as being a lesbian. To imagine not having that support was merely impossible for Alex to do. And it broke her heart to know her coworker didn't have the same luxury as she did. No one should have to fake relationships just to please their family, she thought.
Another good point, Lorna thought while gritting her teeth together in silent frustration. And if it weren't for the mere fact that if she did what she wanted she'd be disowned, she would do what she wanted. But being disowned wasn't a consequence she was fond of. So, she had to keep up the charade no matter how miserable it made her being with Vinny. "I'll figure it out, okay? I'm gonna go give the girl her order and maybe see if she wants some company. I wouldn't mind making another friend and I think you're right, Al, she could probably use one as well."
After bringing the order to the designated table, Lorna found herself kicking her feet nervously against the hard floor beneath them as she mentally pondered over whether she should go through with what she discussed with Alex or not. A part of her was very tempted to do so but another was trying to convince her why it would be the worst possible decision she could ever make. In the end, however, she pushed aside the worries and reached a hand out to place onto the rim of table where the redhead was sitting—she tapped the tips of her fingers a bit louder than normal against it to gain her attention.
When her eyes met with the redhead's big brown ones, she almost lost her breath. She swallowed and bit into the flesh of her tongue to keep herself together. To keep herself from making a complete fool of herself. The woman was even more mesmerizing up close Lorna took a mental note of with ease. She was so mesmerizing to Lorna that Lorna couldn't remember how to talk. For a few passing moments she just stood there staring blankly into the other woman's eyes.
Sensing the brunette waitresses' eyes on her, the woman sitting at the table returned her stare with a lopsided smirk etched upon her face. "Everything good there, kid?" Eyes intently looked her over from head-to-toe.
Tongue tied, Lorna could only nod her head. That voice made her stomach do a somersault or two. Once she swallowed a couple of times, she finally caught her breath and rediscovered her voice. "Oh yeah, s'all good. I just came over to see if ya might want some erm company? I mean you always seem to be here alone…I just uh, I just thought maybe ya might want a friend?" It was a little more difficult than she had thought it would be to actually say what she had been mentally rehearsing for the past fifteen minutes. The words stumbled out of her in a rather nervous fashion. But she covered the nervousness with a hefty smile.
Giving a more genuine smile in return now after listening to the other's kind offer, the redhead customer nodded along with gesturing a hand at the seat across from her. A gesture which had wordlessly told her favored waitress it was fine for her to sit down with her at the table. "Be my guest, kid," she said while letting out a small chuckle. Despite the chuckle, she was considerably overcome with a gush of warmth at the offer of having someone to accompany her there at her usual table.
Once Lorna abided and slid into the booth directly across from her, the redhead lifted a hand and held it towards her for an introductory handshake. "I'm Nicky. What about you, huh? You got a name, kid?"
Settling into the booth across from her, Lorna felt her lips twitch into a small smile while she met Nicky's hand with her own and gave it a quick, firm, shake. The name was rather fitting, Lorna thought the longer her eyes lingered on Nicky. She watched as the redhead reached for the coffee mug in front of her and brought it up for a long sip. "That's a nice name ya have, Nicky. I'm Lorna—thought you'd know that by now since I've only been your waitress for what…three months now?" Albeit the pretend hurt that displayed on her face as she made the last comment, Lorna followed it with a playful laugh which was mirrored by Nicky.
Nicky sipped her black coffee a few more times before setting it back atop the table and fixing her glance onto the brunette once more. After the pair had shared a swift laugh, her lopsided smirk reformed at the same time her shoulders lifted up against the sides of her face. "I know you're Lorna, kid, I just thought it'd be nice if I also asked your name. Ain't that what friends do when they meet the first time?"
"I was just messin' with ya, hon," Lorna waved her off with a circulating hand in the air. "Sorry, if anyone is in trouble here it oughta be me. I've waited on ya for a while and I never even thought to ask your name. No waitress of the year award for me, huh?"
With her smirk widening, Nicky tilted her head and felt a snicker ready to escape from her throat. "I wouldn't say that, kid. I think if there are any waitress awards here you'd definitely be in the running for the hottest waitress of the year," she admitted, giving a frisky wink to Lorna. And she meant that, too, the reason she found herself continuously coming back to this diner wasn't just for the delicious Italian cuisine but also the delicious brunette woman who never failed to be the best waitress who ever waited on her.
Lorna could instantly feel the heat produced by her cheeks. She couldn't imagine the bright shade of pink they were turning. Within a matter of seconds she was lifting her hands up to cover over each one, hoping she hid them before Nicky could even notice the color of the flesh had changed. Even Vinny had never made her cheeks blush that bad before. Never made them blush so furiously that she could literally feel the heat of said blushing. A sigh came out and she bit down on her lower lip. Maybe choosing to sit with her deeply treasured customer wasn't the wisest decision she could have made, she concluded suddenly. It only escalated the conflicting feelings inside of her. And she already hated feeling to begin with. She missed being numb and empty. It was easier to be numb, to not have to stress over this and that like she now couldn't seem to catch a break from.
A thick bout of saliva formed at the base of her mouth which she uneasily forced herself to swallow away. She inhaled deeply and held up a finger, gradually wagging it in Nicky's direction. "I needa go punch out real quick and get myself a coffee. I'll be right back, Nicky. Stay put," she said giving a warm smile at her, even though a big part of her was tempted to get up and run the hell out of there. Nicky was dangerous to be around—not in a bad way, of course, but dangerous nonetheless. However, Lorna didn't care. She wanted to spend time sitting and chatting with her, getting to know her as a friend.
Watching as the mug in her hand filled up with the last drip of coffee from the pot pouring into it, Lorna hadn't noticed anyone was near her until the sensation of a hand on her shoulder became noticeable. Her body jerked in a startling, automatic, reaction to such an unexpected touch. She waited until her cup was filled up before turning to meet the culprit behind the hand on her shoulder and wasn't too surprised to once again come in eye contact with her coworker best friend.
"Jesus, Al," she muttered, setting the coffee pot back under the filter of the machine. "You're on a roll with scaring me today. Is that a new part a your job description or something?" A slight laugh escaped to lighten the energy and show her friend she was only joking around with her.
The taller woman mirrored her actions with a laugh of her own. Her hand remained on Lorna's shoulder and was used to give a friendly pat to it. While Lorna was seated with the redhead customer just a couple of minutes earlier, Alex had observed the ordeal off and on between setting orders on the wrack for the other waiters and waitresses to retrieve. It was clear from the observation how natural it was for Lorna to sit there talking with her—much more natural than whatever it was she claimed to have going on with that Vinny guy.
Thoughts that pondered her mind were left unsaid. Alex shrugged her shoulders slightly and then released her grip from Lorna's shoulder. "I just was coming over to check on how it went with the girl ya clearly got the hots for—how was it? Did ya ask to join her like I told you ya should?" By the looks of what Lorna happened to currently be doing she could confirm without even hearing her response that that was exactly what Lorna had done. She wouldn't have prepared herself a coffee if she was heading home straight after clocking out for the day. Or at least she would have poured the coffee into a to-go cup rather than one of the diner's ceramic mugs.
Lorna couldn't resist the smile which had easily shaped onto her face. Her head nodded a lot more enthusiastically than she had planned but, again, she didn't care. Alex was a safe person to tell the truth to about her lesbianism and who she may or may not have caught feelings for. She didn't have to fake it in front of Alex and for that she was tremendously grateful. It was a relief to be herself for once. To not have to keep up the charade she did in front of her parents and siblings. The mental gymnastics she had to go through in order to do that was physically and emotionally exhausting.
"Her name's Nicky and yeah I'm joining her—I just told her I needed to come clock out and get some coffee. God, Al, I blushed so hard I thought my cheeks were on fire. Is this what it's like to really like someone? I ain't never felt like this around Vinny." The only thing Lorna ever felt in Vinny's presence was a knot the size of an elephant in her stomach. And not the good kind of knot but rather the kind of knot that made her want to throw up.
A frown twitched temporarily on Alex's face when she heard Lorna say that. However, it quickly transformed from a frown to a smile. "Yeah, kid, that definitely means you're attracted to her. You and I both know the reason why Vinny's never made ya feel like that—it's because you're a lesbian. No man will ever have the ability to make ya blush in that kinda way because they are men and you cannot force yourself to be into them no matter how hard ya try. That's not how being a lesbian works, regardless of what your family or religion has put in your mind," she firmly assured her of the truth, a sadness lurking under the smile she kept on her face. She couldn't do what Lorna was doing, even if she had a family as religious as hers. Having to live a life she knew was a lie made her incredibly uncomfortable.
Of course that was exactly why she never felt anything out of the ordinary around Vinny. Lorna knew she would never. She wasn't blind to her homosexuality just because she forced herself into a relationship with him. Yes, there may have been a split second when she first met him that she questioned her sexuality but that soon vanished after she spent more time with him. Their relationship only confirmed she was a homosexual. The only reason she was with him now was to save face with her Catholic family and faith.
"I know, I just wasn't expecting to ever feel this way. And I can't do anything about it. I'm with Vinny. Nicky's just gonna have to stay a friend no matter how much I find her attractive. And what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I told her I thought she could use a friend, anyway, so she knows I'm just going to be that. A friend. For all she knows, I think, I'm a straight woman."
Alex shook her head distastefully. "Yeah, a straight woman who secretly lusts after her hot female customer crush. But fine, kid, keep living this lie. You're just gonna constantly live in misery. Is your family's approval really worth your unhappiness?"
It stung to hear her friend's words. Mostly because Lorna knew how true they were. She was only going to continue to be miserable the longer she kept up this charade. But was it worth her parents' acceptance in exchange for her happiness? Lorna sighed and chewed onto the side of her mouth. That question wasn't one she had an answer for at the moment. She remained silent, took a long sip of her coffee, and then turned to head back to the table where Nicky was still at. The conversation with her coworker would have to be finished another time.
"So, Nicky, you always seem to come here alone—how come?" Lorna blurted out before giving her mind a chance to process her own words. When she realized what she'd done, she covered her mouth and gave an apologetic stare to the redhead across from her. She hadn't meant to come off as insensitive by mentioning that right off the bat. It was just an observation she had made the multiple occasions where Nicky had come in for her meals, which now had been a twice weekly occurrence. Not once had anyone ever accompanied her.
The shocked look on Lorna's face brought a warm chuckle out of Nicky. She picked up her sandwich and took a bite of it while she pondered over how to respond to her new friend's question. It didn't bother her in the slightest that Lorna had started off the conversation with a rather prying query. Small talk was overrated in her mind, anyway. She set the sandwich back on the plate, then focused her eyes straight ahead onto the brunette who was sat on the other side of the table.
Shoulders recoiled up towards the sides of her face as her mind suddenly became engulfed with thoughts of how she ended up a now regular customer at this local establishment. The chuckling and smirking quickly dissipated away and now Nicky sat with a somber expression etched upon her face. Eyes deterred off of Lorna, down onto her plate of food instead. "Eh, ya know just like gettin' outta the apartment once in a while. It's lonely in there so I come here for the noise of other people. Not that I wanna befriend all these people or shit, I just enjoy the background noise." She grabbed a lonesome fry from the plate and stroked her thumb along the length of it. A breath huffed through her slightly agape mouth.
The abrupt change in demeanor hadn't gone unnoticed by Lorna who sat watching Nicky the entire time. It wasn't a challenge for her to make out the sadness lurking behind those brown eyes of her. Though the two hadn't spent much time conversing and getting to know each other thus far Lorna couldn't help but feel a pang form in her chest at the sight of said sadness. Because of that, instinct had her reaching a hand across the table to place atop the one of Nicky's she saw resting on the wooden surface in a friendly manner.
A friendly concern made its way to the surface the longer she sat staring at her, brushing her fingers along the flesh of the hand she covered with her own. The yearning to be there for her new friend—if that was even what she could be addressed as seeing that the pair had only now begun a conversation which had gone beyond customer and waitress—was getting fiercer each second that passed by. She utilized her other hand to grab onto the handle of the coffee mug she'd placed in front of her and lifted it up for a big gulp.
"Do ya have a partner or anything? Living alone can be real lonely, I get that," Lorna stated, though she missed having her apartment to herself now that she'd been living in it with Vinny for several months. Being alone wasn't so bad anymore—she'd give anything to have that back. To have the freedom living alone provided her with.
Ripping a piece of French fry, Nicky chucked it in her mouth and chewed it thoroughly for a couple of moments. When she swallowed, she used that same hand that had ripped the fry to slick back her thick bushel of curls out of her eyes with. Air snuffled from her nose as she recollected the recent break-up she'd experienced that had led her to where she was now. "That's a mess to explain, kid," exasperation inflected through her voice. She tilted her head towards her right shoulder and exhaled deeply.
The broken fry she'd previously set onto the plate Nicky picked up again and bit the whole thing at once. After it was swallowed down, she grabbed her satchel which was hanging off the headboard of the booth and rummaged through until she felt the plastic from her box of cigarettes come in contact with her hand. She pulled it out, flicked the lid open and grabbed a cigarette. A lighter had been sitting on the tabletop near her cup of coffee and so she took a hold of it with her other hand that had just been released from Lorna's.
With the butt of the cig properly lit, Nicky held it between two fingers and brought it up to her lips for a long, much-needed, drag. She breathed out a smoky breath once she was satisfied with how much of it she sucked in. "I was with this one woman for almost a year," she gradually began to retell, taking a second drag in between speaking. "Thought she was someone special and all that kinda shit. We were sharing a place for a while and then one day I come home from work to see her fucking another woman right there on our living room sofa. Needless to say she's now my ex and she fucking took the apartment away from me. So I am currently living between places, you could say. Love is bullshit, kid, don't ever get into a relationship if ya aren't already in one. Relationships just fuck everything up."
Living between places, Lorna's forehead creased in puzzlement. She grabbed her coffee, sipping it slowly while trying to wrap her mind around that statement which repeated through her mind multiple times now. Of course she knew what was meant by it but it also contradicted Nicky's earlier comment about needing time away from her apartment for the purpose of other people's voices surrounding her eardrums. A frown melded onto her face. Nicky must have only said that first comment out of shame of her current predicament, Lorna concluded.
The conclusion escalated the pang that was already sitting in Lorna's chest. She could easily relate to feeling shamed over things that were out of her control. A sigh broke free from her lungs. She once again found herself reaching a hand over to place onto the one of Nicky's she saw resting on the rim of the table. "Are ya sayin' ya ain't got a place to live, hon?" Her voice carefully wondered aloud, a gentleness shining its way through.
Out of habit, an instinctive chuckle whistled out from Nicky's windpipe. Laughing at what life threw at her was the only way she knew how to get through it without breaking apart. At least not breaking apart completely. "I guess if you don't count alleyways as a viable place to live then yes, I don't have a place. I mean I could always go to my mother's house but she's a bitch and I can't put up with her again. So I make do with what I can. I'm working a shop-keeping job at a Russian bakery right down the road from here so what money I make from that I've been saving up and hopefully in the next month I'll have enough for a security deposit on a new apartment," she spoke in a nonchalant manner as if it wasn't a big deal that she lived in the alleyways of the dangerous city streets. And, to her, it wasn't a big deal. She wasn't scared of anyone. She could more than manage living on the streets temporarily while saving up for an apartment.
Lorna's chest tightened immensely after Nicky's revelation. She swallowed thickly, shifting her body against the cushion of the seat she was sitting atop of. That easily could have been the future she had if she had come out to her family back in her teenage years. Though, she couldn't tell if that was the same reason for why Nicky was left homeless. Was it just because her ex kicked her out? Lorna felt her shoulders recoil into a shrug. But regardless of why or how, it didn't make it any less heartrending to Lorna that her favored customer was living on the streets of New York City.
The streets were no place for anyone to live. She sighed and gave a saddened stare in Nicky's direction. The hand which was still covered by her own she delicately stroked her thumb from one side to the other. "I'm so sorry to hear that, Nicky. How come ya can't stay with your mother temporarily until you're able to get your finances in order? Is she really that bad?"
Shaking her head in disdain, Nicky raised the cigarette up to her lips and hugged them around the rim so that she could easily suck in and then quickly blow out the air. Marka Nichols was the mother no one wanted to be unfairly graced with. The mother who had no idea how to be one. The mother who cared more about having money and spending time with her wealthy boyfriend than raising and caring for her daughter. Maybe her lack of being mothered as a child was the main reason she was where she was at right now. Maybe that was why every woman she dated ended up either cheating on her or breaking things off before anything could truly even happen. Nicky didn't know how to be loved, how to love others without wanting to mother them the way she wished she could have been mothered. Her tendencies likely scared any potential mates right off.
"My mother probably wouldn't even notice I was there so I mean it wouldn't be a bad idea to stay there but I don't want any part of her. She was never there for me growing up like normal moms are so I just don't even wanna attempt to reopen that can of worms, ya know? I'll be okay, I know how to handle the streets. Shouldn't be too much longer anyway. I almost have enough for a place," Nicky shrugged it off, flicking her cigarette into the ashtray she had brought with her and set on the table beside her cup of coffee and lighter.
Swallowing uncomfortably, Lorna sucked in her lower lip and gradually brought her shoulders inwards towards the sides of her face. How could Nicky be so okay with just taking her chances living on the streets? She barely knew the girl and wanted to take her in. And if it weren't for living with Vinny, she would have jumped on the opportunity to do so but she couldn't. A sigh expelled through her nose. Taking her in might not have been an option but she could at least help her out with a payment on her own apartment.
She had enough money in her bank account that she could easily lend a sufficient amount to Nicky and still have some left over. It didn't matter to her that the two had only formerly introduced themselves today, she just wanted to make sure Nicky had a safe place to live. And the New York City streets were definitely not the safest living quarters. Not even for Nicky who claimed to be able to handle it. Eyes flicked back onto the very redhead herself. "How much do ya need to be able to afford an apartment, hon?"
The question shocked Nicky to hear. She had to strain her ears to make sure she heard it correctly. What the hell was Lorna trying to get at with a question such as the one she just asked? Nicky swallowed unnervingly, taking one final drag of her cigarette before placing what was left of the butt of it into the ashtray. She grabbed her cup of coffee next and raised it to her lips for a distracting sip. Eyes glanced above the mug onto Lorna's, trying to decipher the expression upon her face.
Once a minute of silent coffee sipping had passed, Nicky set the cup back onto the table and rejoined the conversation. "Well, I'm tryna get one at the plaza on fifth avenue and I only need to save about a hundred more bucks. Why ya askin', huh?"
A hundred dollars was a lot less than what Lorna had been expecting to hear. Without any hesitation she grabbed her purse from the cushion and set it on the table to better be able to rummage through it. She took out her wallet, unzipped the area where she kept her cash and took out five twenty-dollar bills all of which she handed over to Nicky. Who sat there with a dumbfounded expression oozing from her face. "Look, I get that we just started talkin' and everything but I really hate the idea a ya livin' on the streets, hon. Please take this and use it to go get a place. That plaza is actually the same one I live in with my boyfriend—maybe we'll see each other around, huh?" She gave a friendly smile, hoping to convince the other to accept the money being handed her way.
Nicky could hardly get any air in to breathe appropriately let alone try to formulate some sort of a response. Her heart felt ready to burst from the overly sweet gesture her new friend was offering her. She wasn't sure whether to accept it or not. Wasn't sure she was deserving of such a sweet offer by a person who had just become an acquaintance to her. "You're beyond sweet to even think of helping me out like this but I can't accept your money, kid. I mean you're probably not makin' more than minimum wage here, I can't take your money away from you just so I'm not homeless. Ya got your own bills and shit to be worryin' about, yeah?"
"Come on, please. Just take it and go get an apartment. I can't leave here knowing you're still living on the streets when I can help ya, you know? And if it's that much of a problem for you, you can pay me back at a later date. I mean I don't need you to but if it's not easy for ya to accept money than I understand that. But I'm not gonna take no for an answer, hon. Either you take this money now or I will walk ya down to the plaza and watch you give them the money for a deposit. Which will it be, Nicky?"
Lorna's adamancy on the matter warmed Nicky's heart beyond an explanation of words. No one had ever offered her something quite that kind-hearted before. No one had ever seemed to care as much for her well-being than Lorna clearly had now. Nicky sighed, reluctantly taking the money offered and setting it into her satchel. She grabbed one of Lorna's hands in both of her own, lifting it up to her lips for a gracious little peck. "Thank you, kid. I can't tell ya how much I appreciate your kindness. Will ya come with me to the plaza? I want you to see this money is really going to gettin' me a new apartment," she asked after releasing her hands from Lorna's and placing the strap of her satchel over her shoulder. The bill for her meal had previously been paid and the tip she would give to Lorna immediately upon paying for the security deposit of her soon-to-be new apartment. Whatever was left in her wallet, she deemed, would go directly into Lorna's pocket.
A soft smile was given. Lorna nodded and followed suit, grabbing her purse and situating the strap of it against the opposite shoulder that she witnessed Nicky's was against. The observation told her Nicky must have been left-handed. "Course I'll come along, hon. I'm headed there anyway since my apartment is there, too," she told her and the pair shared a friendly chuckle.
It felt like a switch had been clicked on that day. A switch that helped Lorna see the light again. Maybe there were feelings she needed to feel that wouldn't make her self-hatred worsen. Maybe it was okay to feel things on occasion. But even those ponderous ideas running amuck in her mind overwhelmed her to the extent that she needed the numbness to come back again. So, she took out the treadmill from its place in her and Vinny's bedroom closet and unfolded it to use.
She turned the speed up to six and ran until she couldn't breathe. When she was done, nearly forty-five minutes later, she shut it down and plopped onto the mattress of the bed right behind her. She pushed her body backwards until the headboard came in contact with her spine, letting herself sit there to catch her breath for a good long while. As she panted her way to normalcy in her breathing rhythm, she smiled and squeezed her eyes closed for a couple of minutes. There was nothing that compared to what running gave her. Though in the midst of her workouts she wanted to scream, to cry, to beat herself from how hard it was on her lungs, the second she hit her goals and could be done, she felt a sense of accomplishment. She felt relieved, like all of the negativity was being released with each breath she lost.
But then the door of her bedroom squealed open and reality slapped her right in the face. Her life was nothing more than a lie. Vinny was only a means to please her homophobic, religious, parents and destroy what little self-worth she had left. Which was basically empty at that point. She had no self-worth, she told herself, if she did she would have kicked Vinny out a lot sooner. She would possibly be working on forming a relationship with Nicky instead.
However, she was stuck in this endless loop of having to put up a charade. A charade where on the outside she appeared happy and in love with a man like she was supposed to be—yet, on the inside, she was literally running on empty. Both metaphorically and in actuality. It was only getting harder to keep up with each day that had passed. The more she ran to compensate for all the feelings she didn't want to feel the more she wanted to give up, to throw in the towel and just allow her body to collapse. Allow the walls to finally cave in on her like they were threatening to do for all of her life.
The sensation of the mattress sinking in right beside her rapidly took her from her thoughts and instinctively moving away from the person who had claimed that spot. She folded her legs together so that she was sitting like a pretzel, turning her head to glance at the person. Her heart dropped to see Vinny there. She shouldn't have been surprised. Not like she had been expecting to be anyone other than him. Sure, she may have wanted it to be Nicky but she also knew it would be completely insane for her to think Nicky would just randomly show up in her apartment and her bedroom.
"What is the damn treadmill doing out, Lorna? Didn't I tell ya to keep it in the fuckin' closet?" Vinny broke the silence with a fury-filled question. He folded his arms over his chest and returned Lorna's stare with a perturbed one of his own.
Exhausted, Lorna rolled her eyes and pushed up from the bed. She wasn't in the mindset to be in this argument he was trying to create between them. She went to the treadmill, folding it up once more, and pushed it over to the closet, jimmying it inside to where she could easily shut the door without a hassle. When she was done, she turned back towards Vinny and threw up her hands. "There, are ya happy? It's hidden again. God forbid I take it out to use, huh?"
The nerve of her, Vinny thought. He gritted his teeth violently together and got up from the bed as well so he could corner her against the door of their closet. "I am in no damn mood to be dealin' with your shit tonight, Lorna. I can't understand why ya fuckin' care about that damn piece of shit treadmill more than me, your own boyfriend. For fuck's sake, you spend more time exercising than ya do in bed with me. Am I not satisfying enough to you, huh? We been together seven months and had sex once—once, Lorna. Ya know how much all my guy friends have sex with their girls? Once a fuckin' day at the minimum. Why aren't we having sex once a day?"
Lorna swallowed thickly and closed her eyes. That was all she could do to get away from him since his grip on her was merely impossible for her to physically break away from. Having that one night they had sex—if it could even be called that since she certainly hadn't consented to it—thrown in her face made the coffee she drank that morning come venturing back up her esophagus. She forced herself to swallow it back down despite how awful it tasted.
She couldn't live like this anymore. She couldn't stay with Vinny if it meant having to constantly be intimate with him. If it meant she had to be fearful just to exist in her own damn apartment. But working up the courage to say that to him now was even more terrifying. What if she ended up in the same situation Nicky once was in? Forced to live out on the city streets. Her body shuddered at the mere thought. She wasn't strong like Nicky seemed to be, she wouldn't last one night on the streets. However, if she kept living with Vinny she might not live long enough to experience something like that, either.
With a sharp breath sucked in through her mouth, Lorna found a sufficient amount of strength inside herself to be able to unravel her body from underneath Vinny's harsh clutches. She was at a point where she was willing to take the chance and tell him she was done. Because if she had to be forced to have sex with him a second time, she would find a way to end her life and she didn't want to resort to that. She wanted to live. She wanted to fucking live and experience the things she had always been desiring deep down.
"I want ya outta here, Vinny. I don't want to live together anymore and-and I don't wanna be your girlfriend. Please leave, Vinny. Please," Lorna's voice cracked, she could feel sobs working their way up and threatening to escape out of her throat.
Tears were quick to form a the base of her eyelids and she didn't even try to stop them from falling out. There was no energy inside of her to be able to do that, anyway. Her mind was boggled, the words Nicky spoke to her at the diner those couple of weeks earlier ran through it and made her wish she would have been told a statement like that before she accepted Vinny's offer for that first official date. Relationships certainly had fucked everything up. The relationship with Vinny fucked her up on a level she couldn't even comprehend.
If she thought getting rid of Vinny was going to be as simple as telling him to leave, she was utterly wrong. He stood there staring at her in disbelief before walking backing towards her and taking her by the shoulders. He slammed her backwards with enough force that her body crashed violently against the wall behind her. And when she hadn't even been halfway up from the encounter, he was already grabbing her shoulders again. "If ya want to break-up, that's fuckin' fine with me. But the only one who's leaving this apartment is you. And not until ya at least have sex with me one last time. The least ya can do for me since ya fucked up majorly as my girlfriend."
Lorna felt her legs tremoring unwaveringly as she stood there, she couldn't even form words yet from how much her lips shook. How much her throat tightened from all the sobs and sniffles escaping out of it. "Please no, Vinny, please no sex. I don't—I don't want to. I'll leave, okay? You can have the apartment but I can't have sex with you. I-I'm a lesbian, Vinny. I-I'm sorry," the apology naturally came out even though she knew Vinny should have been the one to apologize. But she didn't care, she just wanted out of there and fast.
Her desire, however, was not met. Vinny grabbed her shoulders rougher and walked her away from the wall, back to the bed. He pushed her down to the mattress and pinned her there underneath him with his legs. "A lesbian, huh? Your parents wouldn't like that and if ya can't have sex with me one last time…then maybe I'll just have to let the word slip. Which is it, Lorna?"
Tears flooded her eyes, her body went limp against the mattress and her mind couldn't even process what was said to her. Couldn't process the ultimatum being given. Either decision was a losing battle in her world. It didn't matter which she went with, she was fucked either way. She couldn't even muster up a response let alone make a choice. Letting her body fall limp was the only thing she could do, which meant she was resistively giving permission to Vinny to have his way with her.
It was pitched-black outside and cold with the wind blowing every so often. The only light on the street came from the half-dimmed street lights that scattered along the sides of the road. Lorna's legs shook as she walked, having absolutely no idea where she was going. She couldn't run because it hurt to even try. The gap between her thighs felt raw and chafed making just walking quite the chore. Running wasn't a thought in her mind at this point. All she had with her was her purse that hung from her shoulders by its strap. Not even a jacket to keep her from shivering.
She made it a block from the apartment complex before she felt she couldn't walk another step and plopped down on the sidewalk, bringing her knees up to her chest so she could rest her chin atop them. Maybe the closeness of her body would warm her up. If her physics teacher from high school had been right about his teachings then having her body positioned the way it now was should be able to preserve some of the body heat.
A snuffle sounded through her nose, puffing air onto her lungs. She took her purse off her shoulder searching through the inside of it for her cellphone. Thank god she left it in there when she got home from her shift. At least she could reach out to Alex, she thought. But as she took a peek at the time displayed on the phone, she wondered if reaching out to her coworker was really a good idea. She didn't want to bother her at half past midnight. A conflicting breath huffed its way out.
Both hands were brought up to her face and covered against each cheek. Staying out here was not a viable option, she tried to coax herself into calling Alex. She didn't want to be a selfish friend by possibly waking her if she was sleeping but she was also too frightened to survive an entire night outside like this. And Nicky certainly wasn't someone she could reach out to—the pair were only friends a couple of weeks now, at least she and Alex had known each other a couple of years.
Her thumb clicked through the numbers programmed in her phone and stopped at Alex's, instinctively sliding onto the call button once she reached her information. It took only a couple of rings to sound before the line was picked up and a slightly noisy environment came through the receiver of her coworker's phone. At least she hadn't woken her was the confirmation that gave her. "Erm, uh, Al? Where are ya at?"
To be able to hear better, Alex walked out of the loud room she was in and found a bathroom right down the hall. She entered inside, locking the door so no other unwanted party guests came in, and cupped her hand around the ear she had her phone pressed into. "Hey, kid. Sorry, I'm at Poussey's party—ya know the girl who works the night shifts at the diner? I got off late tonight and she was tellin' me about it so I just thought I'd stop by for a bit. Anyway, is everything okay? You never call me this late. What's up?" Concern effortlessly shined its way through her voice as she spoke into the receiver of her phone which was a mere inch from her mouth.
Lorna swallowed thickly, peering down at her knees. She regretted the decision she made to call Alex. The last thing she wanted was to tear her away from a party. But, again, she couldn't even think about burdening Nicky with any of this. So, she pushed past the guilt and held on tighter to the phone. "Uh, things between Vinny and me ended. But, uh, erm—he took the apartment and now I'm sitting on a sidewalk a mile away and I don't…I don't know what to do, Al. I'm sorry I called you, I didn't—I didn't mean to intrude but I didn't know who else to call."
"No, no, don't be sorry," Alex quickly followed up with.
She turned back towards the door, opening it and began making her way towards the entrance of the house after grabbing her purse that was sitting on a random sofa. The phone was held up to her ear by her shoulder so that she could open the door and walk out to her car without tripping accidentally. Once she was situated in it, she finally continued talking to her blatantly sounding disheveled friend. "Where are you at exactly, Lorna? What street? I'm on my way to get you and you'll stay with me tonight. Just tell me where to find you, kid."
Lifting her head, Lorna tried to locate a street sign and when she caught glimpse of one she covered her eyes with her hands as if they were binoculars. "I'm on the sidewalk near Sixth Avenue."
By the time Alex finally arrived on the side of the road near where she saw the silhouette of Lorna's body, it felt like an entire decade had passed in Lorna's mind. The second she saw the headlights of Alex's car she hurriedly jumped up from her spot on the cement and ran towards the vehicle. Alex didn't need to come out for Lorna to know to open the passenger side door and enter inside of it. She graciously did so, fastening the seatbelt around her abdomen and then letting her head lean to the right where it easily rested onto the rim of the window.
Alex kept the lever in park while she turned towards Lorna, looking her precisely over with her two highly worried blue eyes. Naturally, she lifted a hand and reached it over to frame around one of Lorna's cheeks with. "You okay, kid? Poor thing, you look like you're freezing. As soon as we get back to my place, I'll lend ya a pair of sweats okay?" She commented when she noticed the younger woman's teeth were chattering rhythmically together. Concern displayed itself on her face the longer her eyes dawdled over Lorna. She was curious to find out the entire story but figured it would best she drove them to her apartment first. Lorna needed something warm to wear and that trumped her desire to interrogate her on what took place.
Was she okay? The question repeated itself in Lorna's head. Lines formed on her forehead as she contemplated what was asked of her. She certainly wasn't not okay, she concluded. But, despite that, she nodded her head and closed her eyes. She would be okay now that she wasn't with Vinny anymore and that was all that mattered. She would eventually be okay. Her head shook. Would she though? Sure, she might have been rid of Vinny but that didn't mean she was rid of the want to appease her parents.
The lack of a verbal response caused Alex to brush her fingers delicately along the cheek her hand was touching. Eyes searched Lorna intently and she could tell the girl was clearly having a mental argument by the way her forehead creased and uncreased with lines. "Wanna stop for a coffee or food or anything on the way? Have ya had anything to eat?"
Food, coffee, Lorna's mouth unintentionally salivated at the words. At the suggestion. She bit down on her tongue but before she could even open her mouth she felt her head bobbing up and down rather profusely.
Stroking a thumb up and down the length of her cheek, Alex nodded back. "Anything in particular ya want?"
That was a question Lorna didn't know an answer for. She hadn't meant to nod her head but the longing for a warm meal was clearly too much for her to be able to resist. Tears found their way up and spilled over when she least expected them to. All she found herself able to do in that moment was shrug her shoulders and allow the tears to freely flow. "Food…coffee, please. I-I'm so empty inside, Al. Just food and coffee, I-I don't care what kind. But-but could it be something warm, please? I feel like I'm in a freezer," she truthfully admitted, lips shaking as her teeth clung together in attempt to retain her body-temperature.
"Of course, kid. We'll get ya a nice warm meal, okay? And a big, warm, cuppa coffee. Here," she muttered, momentarily releasing her hand from Lorna's cheek so that she could use both of her hands to remove the jacket she was wearing. Once it was successfully taken off, Alex brought it over and wrapped it securely around Lorna's shivering body. "There ya go, kid. You're so cold you're shaking. Use my jacket as a blanket, okay? I'll try to find a fast food joint that has some soup, yeah? Sound good? What else do you want besides soup, do ya know?"
Lorna nuzzled herself against the warmth of the jacket. She shook her head and felt even more tears come streaming along her cheeks. "I don't know, Al. I don't know what other food I want. I-I haven't gotten fast food since-since middle school. I'm sorry I'm not much help," a sob came up and muffled the words she spoke. She deterred her eyes from her friend, staring down at the floorboard where her feet barely touched.
Alex shook her head and reframed her hand around Lorna's cheek, caressing her thumb soothingly along the flesh. "Shh, it's okay. There's nothing for you to be sorry about, Lorna. I'll figure out what to get you. You just try to relax, yeah? Don't worry about the food I'm gettin' you, you look like ya need to eat. Doesn't look like you've been taking care of yourself, kid. We'll talk about that and everything else later, though. How about you close your eyes and rest until we get back to my place."
The two arrived back at Alex's apartment nearly a half hour after Alex picked Lorna up and went through a couple of drive-thru's to get her a decent, warm, meal. It wasn't until Alex had gently guided her to the bathroom and handed her the pair of sweats she had promised she'd give to her in the car that Lorna finally felt her mind break and the sobs started shaking their way out of her. The door had been closed, fortunately, so she deemed it safe to allow herself to give in to the whirlwind of emotions. To add to the safeness of the door's being shut, Lorna went over and latched the lock to make certain Alex didn't come back in during the breakdown she was about to have.
The clothes she was wearing were swiftly snatched off of her body and thrown to the ground. Before she dressed herself in the outfit Alex had brought in for her, she stood in front of the mirror and took a long look at her reflection inside of it. Faded bruises could slightly be seen on her upper arms along with the nape of her neck that was easily covered up by a shirt. She opened her mouth rather wide to take in as much air as was humanly possible, eyes not once moving from her reflection in the mirror.
Lorna's legs refused to steady themselves tremoring continuously as she stood there. Several minutes of tearfully peering into the mirror had gone by before she felt a chill and decided it was time to finally get dressed in the sweats that had been neatly folded on the counter of the bathroom's sink. The second the thick cotton of the shirt hit her upper portion a slight comfort came over her. She hadn't fully realized how cold she was until she dressed herself in the sweatshirt and sweatpants.
Her old clothes were bunched up on the floor and when she peered down at them, unsure what to do, the tears poured from her eyes even faster than they previously had. All the feelings—the emotions—that she'd spent the past she didn't even know exactly how many years shoving away seemed to be displaying themselves all at once now. And there wasn't anything she could do to stop them from occurring. She felt out of control, helpless. Utterly, deeply, helpless. She didn't like this. This was exactly the reason she avoided feeling to begin with. Because feeling just one emotion caused her sense of control to go haywire—but to feel a multitude of emotions at one time like she was now was unbearable for her.
She gradually, unsteadily, inched away from the sink and stopped when she reached a hand back and felt the cold metal of the toilet behind her. There wasn't a chance she would leave that room until the crying ceased so she let her body plop down onto the closed-lid toilet, hands resting limply in her lap. The crying refused to let up, Lorna grudgingly observed as her throat heaved with a mixture of sobs and sniffles. Legs continued trembling while she sat on the lid of the toilet easily causing her hands to tremble too.
It felt like hours had come and gone before the tears had finally seemed to taper off. A knock at the door was heard soon after and Lorna didn't budge from the toilet. She momentarily forgot where she was. Forgot she was in her coworker best friend's apartment bathroom having a damn mental breakdown over a man who she shouldn't have ever accepted a first date with in the first place. But those were all things that had unfortunately happened.
"Lorna? You okay in there, kid? Your food and coffee are gonna get cold," Alex softly called out on the other side of the door. Her hand still pressed against the wooden frame of it. She heard the sniffles that she knew were the reason why Lorna was taking her time in the bathroom. Ten minutes had passed since she'd gone in there to change and Alex didn't hear the shower running so it was clear Lorna was hiding out in there to cry. A sigh broke through her windpipe to come that conclusion.
Clearing her throat, once she had regained the ability to move, Lorna lifted her hands up to her face and rubbed away the last of the tears. "Erm, yes, sorry. I just needed a minute to collect myself. I-I'm comin' out, Al."
The soup scented the living room profusely Lorna picked up on immediately upon entering back inside of it. It was a pleasant, soothing, scent. One which reminded her of her childhood—when her mother would prepare her a warm bowl of chicken noodle soup on a day she had to stay home sick from school. That was one of the last times she remembered consuming a bowl of chicken noodle soup, too. A breath whistled out of her as she settled onto the sofa where the coffee table with the soup and coffee was right in front of. Her body instinctively shivered on contact with the leather material of the couch and a blanket was handed to her afterwards by Alex.
She felt the cushion next to her sink in slightly and when she turned her head she saw Alex was settling into that spot. Eyes returned onto the tray of food sprawled out on the coffee table's surface and with a now more stable hand, she reached out to grab a hold of the plastic spoon. Lorna gradually carried the spoon to the bowl, dunking it and mixing the liquid slowly around. The aroma still brought her a comfort, made her mind temporarily silence itself from all the running thoughts of Vinny and what her parents would have to say about the breakup.
Right when she had the spoon merely touching her lips, ready to take a bite, was precisely the point Alex decided to break the unspoken spell between them. Lorna froze there with her hand holding the spoon against her unparted lips.
"What exactly happened with you and Vinny, huh?"
Alex shifted on her cushion of the sofa so that she was properly facing the brunette sat beside her, lines creased on her forehead as she peered her methodically over. She watched Lorna closely observing how she suddenly appeared still like a statue with how she had the spoon of soup just lightly touching her unopened mouth and became even more concerned for her. She opened and closed her mouth, taking in some air as she did so. Cautiously, she raised a hand up to place soothingly over one of Lorna's shoulders with.
Sensing the gentle touch of a hand against the cotton-covered edge of her shoulder somehow was enough to encourage Lorna's body to unfreeze itself and she resumed opening her mouth so the spoon could be placed inside and a bite of the soup could finally be taken. It tasted as heavenly as it smelled she noted while swallowing the warm concoction of chicken broth and pasta down her throat. Before acknowledging her friend's question, she went in for a second bite and then set the spoon on the napkin beside the bowl.
Automatically, her hand next grabbed a hold of the plastic coffee cup which was instantly lifted up for a savoring, highly needed, sip. Mirroring Alex, she also chose to reposition her body against the sofa so that both of them were physically facing the same direction. "I broke off the relationship and he took my apartment from me. I mean, erm, I kinda let him because I just wasn't in the mood to argue. But now I-I'm just sad. I worked real hard to get that place and he-he just took it from me. What do I do, Al?" And within a matter of minutes tears found their way out once more. Just saying that he'd snatched her apartment was enough to trigger the emotions.
The clear distress showing itself through Lorna's wavering voice immediately brought forth a strong sense of compassion for her within the older woman. Her hand, that had remained resting over her shoulder, Alex used to gently stroke around the surrounding area in the hopes of brining some form of comfort or easement. What she heard was almost incomprehensible to her. Angering worthy was exactly what it was she felt after hearing Lorna's answer to her question. The nerve that man had to kick Lorna out of her own apartment. Alex shook her head distastefully at the thought.
"I'll tell ya what we're gonna do, kid, first thing tomorrow we'll go to the lease office at the complex and tell them what's going on. The apartment is under your name so Vinny has no rights to it. You're the one paying the rent. God, Vinny has some fuckin' balls to pull this shit. Nah, Lorna, none of this is your fault. Okay? He's a bitter piece of shit but he's gonna get what's coming to him. Just try to calm down and eat the soup, yeah? Is it any good?"
Easier said than done was what ran through Lorna's mind upon Alex's comment ringing inside of her ears. If she didn't have to worry about what her parents thought maybe just trying to calm down and eat her soup would be an effortless option but that was unfortunately not the case for her. No, it was anything except easy. Her mind didn't have an off switch. But she sure wished that it had. That was why running had become such an integral part of her life—it helped to keep her from thinking too much or at least made thinking a challenging task. When she ran, all of her energy and focus went onto breathing and trying to retain it in a steady manner.
Of course Lorna wasn't going to voice any of this aloud. So, she swallowed down the fatigue of spiraling emotions and forced her lips into a tight smile. Head nodded along with the pursed smile. "It's real good, actually. Thank you, Al. The coffee's nice, too," she admitted, and then reached for the spoon again.
A sigh huffed its way out. Eyes peered down at the small spread in front of her. "At least I don't have to pretend to love Vinny anymore. Maybe I can eventually be more than friends with Nicky…I don't know. I thought I had my life figured out, Al. I really did." Her voice suddenly trailed off and her focus was now on the spoonful of broth she held out in front of her mouth. Sure, the plan she had for her life would have likely been a miserable one but at least she had it figured out…or thought she did. It was easier to pretend with Vinny than to have to think about what she actually wanted. What she truly wanted. Not what her family told her she wanted—needed. Damn, she could really use a run right now. Or two runs. Hell, make that three runs—oh, she might as well as have committed to a marathon.
Alex scoffed a bit. However, her hand only continued to soothingly stroke from one side of Lorna's shoulder to the other. "You really think ya coulda gone your whole life faking a relationship with Vinny?" She questioned, her face scrunched up at the mere thought of her best friend's living a lie for the rest of however long her life lasted. It made her physically repulsed only to imagine such a thing—couldn't begin to think what it would be like to actually experience that kind of a life.
She was thankful to hear Lorna had come to her senses and ended whatever was going on between she and Vinny. The last thing she wanted for any of her friends was for them to go through life in misery. Which was clearly something that would have happened for Lorna if she had continued down the path of faking it with that god-awful Vinny. Thank God she didn't choose that path. Even though she now seemed to be regretting that choice by the words she was speaking. Alex was perplexed by her friend's regret. Was it that important to her to please her parents?
"No, I guess not. Obviously not. I mean look where I am. Homeless calling my friend in the middle of the night because the stupid man I broke up with kicked me outta my damn apartment. I just—it was easier to pretend with him. Now I have no idea what to do—I never thought I'd find a person who I found attractive and-and I didn't want to ever find that because then it would complicate things. And now that's what's happening. I don't know what to do about it."
"You like this Nicky a lot, don't ya?" Alex peered her over intently. A smile wanted to break through but the time didn't seem appropriate for her to do so. Instead, she settled for taking her hand off of Lorna's shoulder and wrapping her arm around it to give her a comforting squeeze.
Lorna swallowed air and tilted her head slightly to the side. Her shoulders bounced up in a shrug though she knew the answer to that question was a huge hell yes. She more than liked Nicky—she was incredibly fond of her and even imagined living a life together with her. And those thoughts alone were enough to terrify her. She wasn't supposed to find someone she could imagine anything of the sort with. She wasn't supposed to find someone who caused her to have feelings for them. She hated feelings, hated to feel in general. This was dangerous territory.
But there wasn't anything she could do to rid herself of the complex feelings or emotions that ran through her veins right now. It was already well into the wee hours of the morning now and there wasn't a treadmill around. All she could do was eat her soup, drink the coffee—hope she didn't have trouble falling asleep from how full she felt or the late intake of caffeination.
She shut her eyes and inhaled slowly. "Nicky's an interesting woman. But I can't think about how I feel about her right now. I just—I don't wanna think anymore. I don't want to think or feel anything, I just wanna finish this soup and sleep but I don't think I can."
Securing her arm further around Lorna's shoulder, Alex pulled her a little closer and nodded her head. She could tell Lorna was struggling as soon as she pulled up to get her on the side of the road earlier. Maybe now Lorna might elaborate further on what fully took place. There had to be more than just the two breaking up and Lorna's being exiled from the apartment. "Can't finish the soup or can't sleep?" Alex furrowed a ponderous brow at the younger girl.
Both was what Lorna craved to say but she didn't. "I can't sleep," she said, quietly slurping the broth from her spoon. Despite not wanting to feel full, Lorna forced herself to consume as much of the soup as she could. Now was not the time to let it be known to anyone other than herself that she had a hard time completely nourishing her body. To her, it was normal not to want to eat but she had a sense if any of her friends or family members found out they'd insinuate she was crazy. So, she took bite after bite and clenched her free hand roughly between her legs to keep the discomfort from showing itself outward.
Alex couldn't help but slightly chuckle at the comment. Eyes rapidly deterring onto the coffee and then back onto Lorna. The answer was rather obvious why Lorna would have trouble sleeping that night. It was her fault for offering to get her a coffee, yet, she didn't regret getting it for her. Lorna was freezing when she picked her up, the coffee was desperately needed in an effort to warm her back up. "Because a the coffee, probably. It's okay, kid, we can sit out here until you're ready to fall asleep," she kindly suggested, letting her fingertips delicately stroke up and down the arm of the shoulder her arm had been wrapped around.
"Coffee does make my mind go even more crazy with thoughts but I'll never not drink it. I just wish I could go back in time before I met Vinny and just not ever talk to him. He was a terrible mistake and I hate myself for being with him." She stopped herself before too much was said. The part about the sex situation needn't be shared with anyone else. She already felt dirty and soiled over the ordeal she couldn't project those feelings onto her friend or any other person.
Nose whistling out a snuffle of air, Alex leaned her back into the cushion behind it and drew in a heaping breath. She didn't believe self-hatred would do any good for Lorna but refrained from commenting that out loud. It wasn't her place to tell her how to handle the obstacles thrown her way no matter how tempting it might have been to do so. She swung her free arm over towards the end-table which happened to be on the other side of the arm of the sofa she had slightly been leaning against with the side of her body and grabbed her cup of tea she'd placed there only fifteen minutes earlier.
Hugging her lips tightly around the rim of the mug Alex sucked in a decent volume of the warm, minty, liquid, allowed it to swirl around the inside of her mouth for a few seconds, and finally swallowed it all the way down her windpipe. "I can tell you, with love, that Vinny was definitely the biggest mistake ever. But you're done with him now so you can focus on bigger and better things, kid. I know it seems hard but I promise it'll be okay. I'll be here to help you. And give ya whatever advice ya need," she gently and firmly assured the younger woman.
It did seem hard—incredibly hard. Incredibly, undeniably, impossibly hard to Lorna. She wasn't sure how to live life as the lesbian, deep down, she knew she was. At least not without it causing her to become the disappointment of her entire family—to become the disowned daughter who would likely never be mentioned again. The disowned aunt to her nieces and nephews who would certainly not be allowed to ever bring up her name to anyone they knew.
Air puffed out of her. But was keeping her family's approval really worth living a miserable existence? Lorna let the continuous comment her friend had been making echo through her mind. It was certainly not a picnic having to constantly pretend she was like her siblings—a happily straight person searching for her prince charming when she knew there would never be a prince charming waiting for her. More like a queen charming. She set the soup spoon down again and reached for the coffee, sipping it gradually.
While she drank more of the warm liquid form of caffeine, her eyes glanced over the cup across at Alex who stared back with a slight weariness oozing from her own blue eyes. Lorna sighed once more, using her other hand to reach up and smoosh against her porcelain-toned cheek. "I wish it would be easy as ya say, Al. But my parents' won't be real happy to know I'm a lesbian. I don't want to be the estranged child when they find out but-but I mean I know I can't go back to Vinny, either. I don't wanna be with a man and never did. Especially not anymore…I think I do really like Nicky—she's…erm, real unique. But she also thinks I'm straight and with a man so I fucked that up before anything could even happen. God, I'm real good at gettin' myself in pickles, ain't I?"
Lorna couldn't help but let out an airy chuckle at her own words. She was the poster child for getting herself tangled up in all sorts of spider webs. Her head shook and she set the paper-cup down on the coaster it was previously sitting on.
Giving a tender squeeze to her shoulder, Alex followed her friend's chuckle with a light-hearted one of her own. "I get why ya did what ya did, kid. And I'm sure if ya explain things to Nicky—when you're ready—she will get why, too," she carefully assured Lorna, turning her face and pressing a comforting kiss over the top of her head.
A broken sigh exhaled from her frowning mouth. As she retained her stare onto Lorna's face she could effortlessly pick up on the dismay lurking in the back of her brown eyes. The sight clearly showed Alex how much it meant to Lorna to have her parents' approval and how if they knew of her true self that it would deeply hurt her had they chosen to disown or cut all communication with her. Alex swallowed a thick volume of saliva she felt building at the base of her mouth and pulled her friend closer until her head naturally leaned against her shoulder.
She let her cheek press soothingly against Lorna's cheek that was facing it. "Is there anyone in your family who ya think might be at all okay with hearing you're gay? Even if it's just neutrality?"
Lorna squinted her eyes which peered straight ahead at nothing in particular. Shoulders raised slightly up in acknowledgment. Her father was certainly out of the running, she realized that when she witnessed him yelling at a couple of teens walking into the church a few years prior wearing subtle rainbow-patterned dress shirts—shouting how they were dirtying the religion with their homosexual ways, or something of that nature. How they were going to infect everyone with the gay as if it were some sort of disease rather than a biological orientation of sexual attraction. That was also the precise moment Lorna determined she would never be able to live her life the way she was intended to. For if she did she would eternally be despised by her own father.
A couple of loose strands that rested against her cheeks she reached her hands towards and nervously tucked them behind each one of her ears. Her mother might have been a better choice to share the information with—she was always close with her growing up but still she couldn't know for sure how Mrs. Morello would react to the news that her youngest daughter was a lesbian. And the possible thought of losing her mother's love over that was enough to keep her from telling her.
"Not my dad. He once yelled about how these teens were gonna infect the church with the homos because they just had a rainbow themed shirt on…I think he'll personally kill me if he ever finds out I'm not straight."
The disclosure gutted Alex's heart. She strengthened her arms around Lorna and rubbed a soothing hand up and down along her spine. "At least you're an adult now and aren't living with him anymore, yeah? I don't think he'd kill ya, kid, just probably exile ya from the family or some shit. Of course that's not that much better. In fact it'd be fucked up. I don't understand why people can't just accept that being gay doesn't make us any different, ya know? The only difference is we aren't attracted to the opposite sex…what's the big deal?" She held a hand up and waved it dramatically in the air. Frustration buzzing through her veins.
"The big deal is I'm going to hell because being gay is a sin in God's eyes. That's why the Catholics' hate us so much. The bible clearly says we're an abomination to God. We're doomed, Al. Or I am, at least. I already accepted that, though, so it's not a big deal anymore. I just don't wanna have to handle being hated by my entire family on top of that," Lorna muttered, bowing her head in shame. Tears suddenly came to the surface and she used the sleeve of the hoody she had on to wipe them away.
Alex watched the gesture with a pang sitting in her chest. She took a hold of one of her friend's hands and gave it a gentle stroke with her thumb. "I'm so sorry that shit's been put in your head, Lorn. I don't believe in the bible and I'm not religious but I am spiritual…and if there is a higher power, I certainly don't believe it's a spiteful or hateful energy like the bible makes God out to be. And I definitely don't believe for a second a person as sweet as you would ever be doomed to a torturous afterlife just because you're attracted to women," she admitted while continuing to provide comfort to her obviously upset best friend in the form of thumb strokes along the knuckles of her hand.
Eyes observed intently over Lorna. The expression on her face informed Alex how completely and utterly Lorna believed in the stuff she had just commented to her. And that confirmation only further escalated the pang in Alex's chest. "Have ya ever considered seeing a therapist, kid? Like just to have someone you can trust to help ya with all this?"
A therapist? The suggestion repeated through Lorna's mind. Face scrunched up at the mere thought. Eyes squinted a second time as she contemplated such a foreign idea. After a moment or two, Lorna shook her head quite fervently and shot a distasteful stare across at her friend. Arms folded in over her chest in a shielding fashion. "Why would I consider some nonsense like that? I ain't crazy or nothin'. I don't need no therapist," the words spewed bitterly from her mouth; she was slightly appalled that Alex would even come at her with a query like that.
"I'm not sayin' you're crazy, Lorna," Alex gently started off, simultaneously giving a delicate pat to the hand that was still held in her own. She felt a sigh whistle its way out of her somewhat ajar lips. "I just was making a suggestion is all, kid. I mean I think it would help ya a lot if ya looked into getting a therapist—ya know, so you wouldn't constantly feel the need to fake your life but it's ultimately up to you whether or not ya choose to get one."
The longer her stare lingered on Lorna the quicker she was able to observe how incredibly exhausted and drained she appeared to be and so she clasped her hands together in a manner she thought to halt the conversation with. "At least take some to think about it, yeah? Anyway, you look ready to pass out—why don't we get ya settled into the guestroom, okay?"
Lorna gave a slow nod, not in the mood to argue any further over the therapist debacle, and peered down at her half-eaten soup. She was grateful to not have to finish it despite how heavenly it tasted in her mouth. However, she flicked her eyes back up onto Alex and asked, "Is it okay to save the soup?" She didn't know why she felt so guilty asking that to her best friend but she did. Maybe it was because she never allowed herself the pleasure of a tasty meal. Never allowed herself anything other than vegetables or a salad.
Having forgotten Lorna had been in the midst of eating, Alex's stomach unexpectedly formed a knot in it when she realized she had inadvertently decided for Lorna that she'd have to package it away in the fridge for the next day. "Oh, shit, you can finish it now if ya want. I'm sorry, I forgot you were still eating. I didn't mean to rush ya, kid."
Holding a hand up and waving it slightly, Lorna pursed her lips into a smile and shook her head. "Nah, it's fine. I'm full anyway so I can save it if that's okay? Do ya have a spare Tupperware container I can put it in?"
Alex swallowed uneasily but nodded her head. She couldn't imagine the statement about Lorna's being full was even the slightest bit true, yet, she wasn't going to fight her on it. Lorna had enough happen for one day she certainly wasn't in need of an argument on top of all of that. A sigh came out and she gave a final squeeze to Lorna before releasing the embrace and standing up from the couch. "Come with me, kid, I'll get the soup put away for ya in a minute."
The two walked out of the living room and through the short hallway which led to a cul-de-sac of three doors on the two surrounding walls. Alex opened the one on the right side that happened to be the guestroom she had spoken to Lorna about. Lorna followed behind her into the room, staring at the amenities it came with. Definitely a bigger bedroom than the one she had in her apartment—or now Vinny's stolen one. She grunted out a breath and shoved the thought away the best she could.
Instead she put her focus on taking the few steps over towards the bed and situating herself in a sitting position on the edge of it. Eyes glanced up onto Alex who now was making her way back towards the door. She swallowed then sucked down on her bottom lip. "Thanks, Al. For being here for me and letting me spend the night in your guestroom. You're the best friend there is," she murmured, voice growing quieter as fatigue finally settled in over her.
Giving a saddened smile in return, Alex halted her journey and slowly walked back over to the bed where Lorna was sat. She slowly slid down until her body conformed into the mattress. Her arms wrapped themselves fiercely around Lorna, pulling her closer so that she could give a comforting kiss atop her head. "I'll always be here for ya. I promise. You're like family to me now, kid. So even if ya do one day decide to talk to your parents about your sexuality and they abandon you, I won't. Okay? I'm right here whenever ya need me," she softly, yet firmly, assured the other while squeezing her tight for several more seconds.
She opened her mouth and drew in a breath. A hand she used to brush delicately through Lorna's thick brown waves with. "Go ahead and get some rest. If ya need anything come get me, okay? I mean it," she told her and waited until she'd seen Lorna nod her head in response. After which, Alex gave a final embrace to her and then released it, getting up from the bed. She walked to the doorway once more, turned around, and gave one last look at Lorna. "I love ya, kid. Goodnight."
Morning sunlight poured in through the lightly-curtained window that resided above the bed Lorna had been sleeping in. Now half-awake from said sunlight shining directly onto her face. A yawn innately came up through her mouth; fatigue still coursed throughout her body but she forced herself to sit up in the bed in the hopes it would shake the feeling out of her. It didn't do much of anything. In fact it only caused another yawn to expel from her between her slightly parted lips.
Something bulky in the pocket of her sweatpants caught her attention and so she brought a hand over to reach into it with. What she took out of it was her cell phone she'd forgotten she had put in there right after she changed clothes the previous evening. She touched the screen of it with her thumb to activate it on and was a bit taken aback to find she had a missed phone call from Nicky. It was shown to have occurred the evening earlier at exactly the same time she was being kicked out of her own apartment. That would explain why she hadn't answered it, she thought to herself.
She slid her thumb across the screen to the voicemail section where a red number one was lit up and clicked the speaker button beneath to listen to the content of it. An unsteady breath was the first thing she heard before Nicky's voice started speaking into the ear she had the phone pressed up against.
"Uh, hey, kid, this is uh this is Nicky." Lorna listened with a tightness forming in her chest at how strained Nicky's voice sounded. It seemed as though she might have been crying at the time from the sniffles Lorna could hear coming out every few words or so. "I don't really know what possessed me to call you right now, honestly. But I just—there's something really comforting about talking to ya and uh I guess I could uh just use someone to talk to right now. Er, if ya get this and want to, can ya please call me back? Thanks, kid. Sorry to bother ya so late."
The message ended and Lorna stared at the phone in agony. She swallowed uneasily, peeking at the time displayed on the screen and contemplating if it was too early for her to phone Nicky back. She had a hunch Nicky wasn't a morning person like she was so she certainly didn't want to unintentionally wake her up if she happened to still be asleep. And seeing that it was only half past eight in the morning Lorna deemed it unsafe to risk calling her just yet. Rather, she settled on sending her a text telling her she was so sorry for missing her call and to let her know when it was safe for her to call her back.
Satisfied, she slipped the phone into the pocket of her sweatpants—after flipping the ringer button up to make sure she heard it if Nicky texted or phoned her again—and jumped up from the bed. Out of habit from having her own place for the past few years, Lorna quickly made the bed smoothing out the wrinkles with one of her hands. When she was finished she made her way out of the room through the hallway and into the living room where she caught sight of Alex sitting on the couch clearly nursing a cup of coffee in her hand as she scrolled over her phone in the other one.
Hearing the footsteps clacking their way against the floorboards Alex momentarily shifted her attention away from her phone and onto the culprit of said footsteps. Seeing it to be Lorna, which wasn't much of a surprise since Lorna was clearly the only other person in the apartment with her, Alex gave a small smile in her direction and waved a hand at her in a gesture telling Lorna to come have a seat on the sofa with her. Not long after, she felt the cushion slightly sink beside her and turned her head to peer her friend intently over.
"How are ya feelin' this morning, kid? Ya want some coffee? I just brewed a fresh pot. It's pretty strong, too," she stated, sipping hers right then to prove her point.
Lorna swallowed, shuffling her feet against the floor in front of where she had been sitting. Shoulders raised up to her face. There was too much whirling about inside her mind for her to be able to pinpoint exactly how or what she was feeling at that moment. She lifted both of her hands up and framed them around each of her cheeks. Using them to smoosh them inwards as if that might somehow make it easier for her to know how to respond to Alex's questions. But it hadn't done that.
A sigh escaped and she sucked in her lower lip. Quickly, she forced a smile to display upon her face. "Actually, I'm gonna go for a quick run first. I'll fix a coffee when I get back, Al. I just need to run for a while—it always helps me clear my head. Thanks, though. You're the best friend ever," she truthfully told her, reaching over to lay a hand atop Alex's shoulder and giving it a tender squeeze.
Lips twitched slightly into a frown but Alex kept from saying anything on the matter. She watched as Lorna perked her way off the couch and nearly bounced her way towards the front door. "Okay but please promise me ya won't end up wandering back to your apartment on your run? At least not until we get in touch with your landlord about the whole Vinny situation, yeah?"
A brow furrowed on Lorna's face. That was a thought that had never even crossed her mind. She shook her head and once again pursed her lips into a strained smile. "Wasn't plannin' on it, Al. The only apartment I might end up running to is Nicky's—I had a voicemail from her…she didn't sound too good. I sent text to her earlier so if I'm gone for longer than an hour that's probably where I'll be. Don't worry, Al, okay? I'll be back later," Lorna assured Alex and waved a hand at her before finally exiting out of the front door.
The warmth of the morning sun on her body only intensified how fast Lorna ran along the sidewalk. She closed her eyes and took in the warmness. It felt heavenly to her. She loved feeling warm—it was one of the few feelings, aside from the emptiness and numbness she craved, that she actually enjoyed having the ability to feel. Probably because she always happened to be freezing. She loathed the sensation of her cold body—burning in the heat while she ran was what she desired most. So, if she was doomed to hell for her homosexuality she wouldn't mind the heat she'd be living in. In fact she would graciously welcome the heat of hell.
Running made all the emotions from last night rapidly dissipate away. Lorna ran harder until she was breathless and an innate empty chuckle whistled out of her windpipe. She pursed her lips into a hard smile despite the fact she was alone. Even in her own presence she found herself putting up the same lunatic charade. The same lunatic charade that was slowly killing her one empty stomach run at a time. She pushed the thoughts away and continued her journey into the city and then down the street where her apartment complex was.
Before she could even enter into the parking lot, however, she was halted by the ringer of her phone vibrating through her sweatpants' pocket. She paused her run and rapidly reached her hand into it to retrieve the cell phone with. Nicky's name flashed on the screen and Lorna instantly slid her thumb to answer the call. "Hey, Nicky. I'm real sorry I missed your call last night. Are you okay? Ya sounded real upset in the voicemail, hon," she murmured softly, holding the phone tightly against her ear.
"Don't worry about it, kid," Nicky responded on the other line. She held the phone up by her shoulders and was busy fixing herself a coffee in her small studio apartment kitchen. It was still early for her to be up but the second she saw she had a text from Lorna there was no way she could fall back to sleep. She needed to hear Lorna's voice, needed to talk to her and keep her mind off of how shitty things had gotten in her life almost over night was what it seemed.
A breath of air found its way out of Nicky's mouth. She grabbed her mug of coffee off the counter and carried it over to the two-seater table which acted as a divider between her kitchen and living room. "I know it's a bit early but would ya wanna come over and just er have a chat? And coffee, too. I just made coffee if ya wanna join me. Course ya don't have to if you're busy or don't wanna…I just thought I'd ask is all—"
Lorna felt her chest tightening once again to hear the faint sorrow emerging in the constraints of Nicky's voice. She nodded her head fervently even though she knew Nicky couldn't see it. "No, no, I'll come over. I'm on my run anyway and was about to turn into the parking lot. I'll be there in a few minutes, hon."
The call ended once the two had said their goodbyes and Lorna frisked her all the way from the sidewalk down to the entrance of the apartment complex.
By the time she made it up the staircase to the floor where Nicky's apartment had resided Lorna needed to take a moment to catch her breath. Maybe ascending up four flights of stairs after a half-hour run in the summer heat wasn't the best decision she could have made. But she shrugged it off, caught her breath, and walked down the hallway until she came across the one Nicky had told her was hers. She raised a hand up and curled it into a fist so that she could use it to knock on the wooden door with.
The door was opened promptly after only one knock and the strong scent of coffee wafted out of the kitchen through Lorna's nose. She came inside following Nicky's hand gesture for her to do so and when she heard the door close shut behind her, she looked between Nicky and the small square table right off to the left. Nicky again waved her hand towards that very same table and Lorna took that as her que to go have a seat at it. She gladly settled into one of the cushioned wooden chairs, watching as the redhead did the same in the one across from her.
Her eyes gazed Nicky over closely, observing her every move. She could easily note the slightly darkened circles lying beneath her somewhat bloodshot brown eyes. Concern immediately crept to the surface upon the disheartening discovery. Out of instinct, Lorna reached across the table to place a tender hand overtop one of Nicky's. "Is everything okay? Ya look a bit pale—what were you upset about last night, Nicky? Is there anything I can do for ya?"
Having a multitude of questions immediately whirled at her Nicky picked her coffee mug back up from where it had been resting on the table while she answered the door and raised it up for a sip. She swallowed it down with a bit of unease and huffed out a deep breath. Was inviting Lorna over for a chat the best idea? She wondered silently. Maybe not but she couldn't resist from how she desired having the brunette woman in her presence right now. Something was just utterly comforting and safe about Lorna. Lorna was different than all the previous women she chose to befriend or date. Lorna was sweet, caring—gentle—all the attributes she hadn't truly ever experienced with anyone in her life before.
She bit down on her tongue and gave her usual crooked smirk to the younger woman. Her shoulders bounced up in a shrug as she began to second guess if sharing what she had planned to share the prior evening was an appropriate choice. Lorna was sweet, after all, and Nicky hadn't been fond of the idea of tampering her with the messed up shit going on in her life.
However, before she could make up her mind on anything, her eyes formed tears and when she finally realized them there it was too late for her to try to suck them back in. They leaked along her cheeks in truckloads and all Nicky found herself able to do was hide her face in her coffee mug, pretending to sip it.
The silence and tears were not unnoticed. Lorna saw them and felt her heart drop into her stomach. Sympathy arose. She gave the hand she still held in hers a delicate squeeze then stroked her thumb along the palm of it. "What can I do for ya, hon?" The query softly came out of her mouth, eyes peering gently ahead into those of Nicky's. Clearly something was amiss and Lorna deemed she'd get to the bottom of it.
"I'm sorry, kid," Nicky softly apologized through gritted teeth. Tears hadn't ceased and she could feel a sob working its way up. She stifled it by taking an actual sip of her coffee. "I don't know what I was thinkin' calling you last night or inviting you over this morning. I have er a lotta shit going on and I don't wanna drag ya into it. You're too sweet for that."
Lorna interjected, wagging a finger in the air. She gripped tighter on Nicky's hand and allowed all of her fingertips to caress against the surrounding flesh.
"Don't worry about that, hon. I'm your friend, whatever is going on you can tell me. Obviously it's upsetting you a lot so maybe if ya talk about it that might help, huh?" Lorna got up from her seat when she witnessed Nicky's body slightly heave out a sob she was so clearly trying to hide and encircled her arms softly around Nicky's upper back, subsequently pulling her closer in the process.
Eyes squeezed shut the second she felt Lorna's arms engulf around her body. The embrace felt like she was being held by a soft, puffy, cloud of warmth. She'd never encountered a hug as comforting, as tender, as the one she was now receiving from Lorna. Her nose snuffled out a breath. She swallowed the saliva pooling at the tip of her tongue and lifted her own arms to wrap around Lorna's waist. "Are you—are ya sure ya wanna go down this rabbit hole with me, kid? Some real fucked up shit is going on and I really hate the thought of pulling ya into it," she admitted once the sobbing had lessened into the occasional sniffle.
Tracing one of her hands slowly up and down Nicky's back, Lorna nodded her head attentively and tightened her arms around her. At least focusing her energy on comforting Nicky, helping her with whatever it was she was going through, would keep her from fretting over the whole Vinny incident and the what the hell was she going to tell her parents debacle. "I'm your friend, Nicky," she repeated, drawing a heart around Nicky's back with her thumb. "I'm positive I wanna be here for ya and listen to what's bothering you. Ya shouldn't have to suffer alone, ya know hon? I'm just real sorry I couldn't be there for ya last night. I didn't even hear my phone go off or I woulda picked up."
An overwhelming sensation of affection came over Nicky which only instigated another round of tears to spill through her puffy eyes. There was something special about Lorna. Something about her that made her completely, utterly, unique compared to all the other women Nicky had ever been acquainted with. Her arms strengthened around Lorna and she allowed her head to lean against Lorna's shoulder. "I appreciate you, kid. I mean it. Lemme fix a coffee for you first, yeah? And I need to freshen mine up, anyway. Then we can move to the couch instead to be more comfortable. It's a long story what I have to say."
It wasn't long before the pair were settled onto the sofa just as Nicky had suggested. Each perched on a cushion with a ceramic mug being nursed in their hands. Nicky had her head turned towards Lorna, watching how she sat with one leg crossed over the other with her hand holding the coffee mug resting right atop her lap. Eyebrows curved ponderously above her brown eyes as she took notice that Lorna was wearing a sweatsuit in the middle of summer.
"Is there a reason ya chose to wear sweats when it's like eighty degrees out, kid?" An innate chuckle followed directly after. Nicky knew the conversation was supposed to be her explaining what she was going to tell her over the phone the night before but now that she felt a little less weepy and had noticed Lorna's attire she had to question her on it.
The unexpected query brought Lorna's focus down onto her pant-covered legs. She laced her fingers through the tie-string which hung from the middle of the pants' waistline and felt her lips twitch between a smile and frown. To answer Nicky's question she'd have to muster up one that didn't give way to what she had dealt with the previous evening. Now was not the time for her to be sharing anything personal about her own life, especially not when she was trying to get Nicky to open up to her about whatever it was that had been bothering her. She wanted to keep the focus on Nicky and Nicky's struggle.
So, despite the battle her lips were having, Lorna pursed them together in a smile and gradually lifted her head back up to stare across at the redhead who peered at her in return with the same lopsided smirk still present on her face. "I was running early this morning and it's usually real chilly, ya know? Eh, I got cold blood is what my motha always says," she gave a small laugh and raised her shoulders slightly to her cheeks.
"Oh shit, you're a runner are ya?" Nicky quirked an eyebrow and watched as Lorna nodded in acknowledgement.
Her body visibly shuddered upon seeing the girl's nod. She hated the mere thought of running. It was exhausting to her. She couldn't imagine making herself actually do it like apparently Lorna did. How anyone could run out of pure enjoyment was beyond her. The only time she ran was when she was forced to in her high school PE class, six years ago. "Damn, do ya like running kid?"
Did she like running? The inquiry echoed through her mind. Lorna's smile morphed into a much more genuine one. Running was her everything. She more than liked it—she lived and breathed running. Craved running. Her head, once again, bobbed up and down in a vastly enthusiastic nod. "I love running. I've been runnin' since I was in middle school. I hope I can run into old age someday," was her truthful admittance. She tilted her head to one shoulder and peered straight ahead, her eyes oozing with a dreamy mien shining through.
Nicky innately grimaced. Running and love in the same sentence wasn't allowed in her mind. How could any person love something so damn exhausting and energy stealing such as running? She couldn't ever comprehend a thing like that. She was grateful to never have to run for the rest of her life if she so chose not to. She could live without it, not a problem nor a second thought. However, by the smile on Lorna's face, Nicky was easily able to see running was a passion of hers and she couldn't resist from smiling as well in return.
There was something infectious when it came to Lorna and her cherub lips curved in a smile such as the one she happened to be displaying now. Nicky's just naturally found themselves mirroring it. "Good for you, kid. Running is hard work—I sure as fuck can't do it for more than a minute without losing the damn wind outta my lungs. You do marathons and shit? Like are you a pro runner?" Nicky wondered, folding her arms inquisitively over her chest while holding Lorna's gaze with her own.
This conversation hadn't been going in the proper direction. Lorna let the smile fade from her lips and shrugged her shoulders swiftly against the sides of her face. They weren't supposed to be discussing her running habits but Nicky's reasoning for the mysterious phone call last night. Clearly Nicky was bothered by the reason hence why she was so intent on fixing the topic on Lorna's running rather than herself. Lorna sighed and raised her arms to fold in over her chest.
"No more running talk. I'm here to listen to you tell me about what happened last night to make ya so upset, hon. What is it?" Lorna was quick to pause the topic at hand and turn it back around to the reason she was truly sitting there in Nicky's living room. Obviously Nicky had the same issue she had when it came to the personal matters in her life—she didn't want to share or face them like was necessary.
The smirk on Nicky's face immediately vanished and in its place melded a displeased scowl. She straightened up, moving her back slightly away from the cushion behind it and was merely sat on the edge of the sofa by that point. Eyes drifted away from Lorna, onto her coffee cup which was resting on a wooden coaster atop the coffee table in front of the couch. Instinctively she grabbed it by looping her fingers through its handle and gradually lifted it towards her lips for a sip.
A hard swallow of liquid had been pushed down to her throat. Air expelled out right after and her feet scuffled against the hardwood floor beneath them. She brought a hand up to press into either side of her face, now fixing her stare straight ahead at a random picture she had hung up on the wall a couple of days after moving in there. "My ex and me were into drugs and shit before the whole fuckin' cheating thing happened…and now her fuckin' dealer of a girlfriend wants to hide her stash of drugs in my fuckin' apartment. Like for starters, the damn nerve that bitch has to even think to ask me this nonsense," anger slid out through her vastly gritting teeth.
Nicky took a moment to try and compose herself. This was why she hadn't been terribly fond at the idea of disclosing everything to her new friend. She didn't want Lorna to witness her rageful side—her dark side of drugs and pitiful need for revenge. But it was too late, she'd already begun blurting it out. No turning back now. "My ex said somethin' about how the police are suspicious or some shit and are tryna get a search warrant for their place. Not sure how the hell I fit into all this bullshit but apparently I do. I'm fucking pissed. I can't afford to have some bitches drugs in here and then I end up the one in trouble, ya know?"
Sucking in her bottom lip, Lorna innately reached a hand across to gently cover atop the one of Nicky's she'd witnessed just lying motionless on the barren cushion separating the pair of them. Lips twitched into a disheartened frown at hearing the other's perturbed revelation. She traced her thumb delicately along each of her knuckles and sighed a long, airy, breath.
For a few moments she became stricken with a silent spell. Unable to think of a proper thing to say in response to what she was told by her friend. The way Nicky talked made it easy for Lorna to realize how blatantly distressed she was from the mere audacity her cheating ex had to drag her into this mess of a situation that wasn't even hers to deal with. It wasn't fair and it wasn't right. Lorna squeezed Nicky's hand tighter.
Doe brown eyes gazed across into melancholic brown ones. Lorna opened her mouth and swallowed thickly, gradually preparing herself for what to respond with. "Ya didn't block her numbah after the breakup?" The question slipped out, eyebrows curved up in wonderment as she continued to gaze ahead into the older woman's eyes. That would have been the first thing she'd done if she found out Vinny had cheated on her during their relationship.
The unexpected question brought a snicker out of Nicky. She felt her fingers naturally lace themselves with Lorna's and finally turned her stare back onto her. "Oh believe me I did, kid. She used her piece a shit new girlfriend's phone to contact me and the only reason I haven't blocked it, yet, is because the fuckin' bitch is tryna threaten to go to the police and tell them I have a damn stash a heroin in my possession—"
Lorna raised her free hand up, framing it around her own cheek, and gave an indiscernible look over Nicky. "Well, do ya got a stash of heroin?"
Nicky visibly gulped and deterred her eyes away in shame. Her hand grew clammy against Lorna's and she felt her intestines churning inside of her gut. Lorna shouldn't have been dragged into this ditch with her she told herself. Lorna was innocent and sweet and not the kind of woman who should be entangled in a world of drugs and drug dealers. There was no turning back, however, Lorna knew too much and likely wouldn't want Nicky to not continue explaining the situation.
Another hefty sigh expelled and a hand lifted up to nervously slick back her thick mane of red curls. "Yeah, kid, I do have a couple a tiny baggies full a heroin still. God, fuck, I'm screwed. That's why I gotta fucking take her stupid girlfriend's shit so they won't rat me out. I wish I woulda never met that damn girl—she was trouble and I knew it and this is just the karma I get for being an idiot. Fuck, Lorna, I'm sorry. I didn't wanna get ya thrown in this mess too, but now ya are and it ain't fair—"
"Stop it, hon. S'okay. I wanted to know and I'm glad I do now. You're my friend and I wanna help ya with this. And I think I might have a real good idea that'll get ya outta this," Lorna softly interjected, releasing her hold from Nicky's hand so she could wrap her in a warm embrace instead. An embrace she hoped would ease away some of the franticness very clearly evident in how it displayed itself through Nicky's actions.
Her head shook fiercely at the comment. The mere suggestion of Lorna literally inserting herself into the middle of a dangerous game of drug roulette. Nicky maneuvered her body so that she was able to have a hand held tightly onto each one of Lorna's shoulders. Eyes peered critically into Lorna's. "No, you're not getting involved in this. Period. End of story, kid." A slight darkness inflected through her voice as she gave the command to the brunette beside her.
The younger woman frowned. "But ya haven't even heard my idea, hon. I just wanna help you. Why won't ya let me help?" She muttered barely above the decibel of a whisper. Her bottom lip faintly tremored as she returned Nicky's stare with a deeply worried one of her own. The pair may have only been friends for the past couple of months, however, that didn't stop Lorna from caring so immensely for Nicky and her well-being. Didn't stop her from wanting to be there to comfort and take care of her when it was so obviously both of those were exactly what Nicky needed.
Lorna's tremoring lip caught Nicky's breath in halfway up her windpipe. She took her hands off of Lorna's shoulders and wrapped her arms around her waist in replacement. Her chin found its way on the top of Lorna's head, nuzzling against it immediately once it had. "I appreciate that, kid. I do but I can't let ya get involved in this mess. It's dangerous and I don't want you to get hurt. I've been dealing with drugs and drug dealers for years, I can handle it but you're too sweet for this."
"I can handle it, too. Okay? I can handle dangerous shit, believe me. And if ya gotta deal with this, I wanna be here to help. I ain't taking no for an answer, hon, so you're just gonna have to suck it up and let me be here for ya. It's not fair for you to be alone in all this. Do ya enjoy struggling alone, Nicky?" Her voice murmured the query so softly she wondered if she spoke it aloud or only in her head. Having Nicky's arms around her enticed her to engulf her own around Nicky in return.
That last utterance was enough to trigger the tears from earlier to return to Nicky's eyes. This time they came in swarms and there wasn't a damn thing Nicky could do to stop them. The tears overpowered her and all she found herself capable of in that moment was to tighten her hold on Lorna and bury her face in her thick brown waves. Lorna was the sweetest woman she'd met in a long time and she didn't fucking feel worthy of her but at the same time she didn't want to be without her ever again.
She held on so tight to Lorna that Lorna was sure she would have indentations of Nicky's arms on her skin later when she finally did let go. Yet, Lorna didn't care. She wanted Nicky to feel comfortable with her, to feel safe enough to allow Lorna to be there for her and to help her with this problem she was currently facing. Though on one hand Nicky was weary of Lorna, Lorna also observed how gravely Nicky desired to have someone by her side. To have someone who wasn't going to use and abandon her like it was clear her ex had done. Lorna was more than grateful to be that person if Nicky so chose for her to be.
Fingers delicately traced up and down the length of one of Nicky's arms. "Shh," she whispered, leaning her head down until it pressed softly against Nicky's. "You can cry, hon. It's okay. Cry as long as ya need," Lorna warmly declared while continuing to stroke her fingers along the other's arm. She meant each one of her words. If Nicky needed to cry for an hour then Lorna would sit there and hold her for an hour. Whatever Nicky needed Lorna was determined to be there for her. Determined to comfort her, to be whatever Nicky needed her to be.
Minutes went by as the pair remained in their current positions. Finally, Nicky sensed the tears let up and she used one of her arms to rapidly wipe at her likely puffy and moist face. Her heart felt heavy as she sat there in Lorna's delicate embrace. She didn't feel she deserved to be in such angelic arms but, yet, she hadn't the energy to get out of them. It was soothing to sit there with Lorna, to have her face buried in the pleasantly smelling brown waves spilling out from Lorna's precious head. Lorna must have used a fruit-scented shampoo for her hair to smell so divine. Nicky wished to stay this way forever but that was way too good to be true. Lorna was straight, after all, and in a relationship with a man. This was only friendly affection.
Lorna felt Nicky's body slowly tensing up and quickly worked her hardest to ease the tension away again by gently combing her fingers through thick strands of her red hair. "Are ya feelin' any betta, hon? Can I do anything for ya? Do ya need more coffee or tea? I can fix ya some tea if ya tell me where everything is. Anything, hon, just tell me what I can do."
Nicky chuckled between sniffles and let her arms settle back around the shorter woman's waist. "Just, uh, would ya mind layin' here on the couch and holding each other, kid? I forgot how comforting it is to, erm, to be held and shit," she sputtered over her words, adding the last part as if to make herself sound like the tough girl she wanted people to think of her as.
A sad smile settled on Lorna's face. Her head nodded in acknowledgment and the pair situated themselves backwards so that they were both lying against the cushion of the sofa. Lorna fixed herself in a way that she was easily able to hold Nicky to her, letting her chest naturally press into the front of Nicky's face. A hold she deemed tender and only for someone who she deeply cared about—a person who she held immense compassion and affection for.
"It's my pleasure to lay here and hold ya, hon. What are friends for, huh? I'll do whatever I can to help you through this," Lorna murmured, leaning closer and pressing her lips over the top of Nicky's head in a comforting kiss.
Though an appreciative smile formed and displayed itself upon Nicky's face, Lorna's comment felt like a knife right through her chest. It shouldn't have caused such a sensation. She knew that was all she would ever be to Lorna was a friend—Lorna wasn't gay. She was well aware of that and yet it still fucking hurt like hell to hear that comment. Why did she have a tendency to fall for straight girls all the time? Nicky sighed and bit down on her tongue.
Taking in a breath was a challenge for Nicky to do. It hurt each time she did so. But she managed eventually and buried her face even deeper into Lorna's gently-beating chest. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to relax into the embrace. No one hugged better than Lorna. Lorna's hug was like being in the arms of an angel. Nicky never wanted Lorna to let go. She wanted to stay there for as long as the earth existed. No matter how impossible that was.
"It's good to have you as a friend, kid. I'm not good at making friends. Not genuine ones, anyway. You're so sweet and I really don't wanna fuck you up by pulling ya down this grave, ya know?"
Lorna frowned, pulling away just enough to frame Nicky's cheeks in her hands and look her fiercely in the eyes. "You're stuck with me now, hon. I'm too fond of ya now to leave. I don't care about being dragged into anything. I just wanna be here for you and take care a you. Whatever else happens happens. I ain't running away no matter how dangerous things get."
She promised that no matter what happened she would stay and she did stay even when things proved to be taking a dark turn. A dark turn in her own life that was. Once she had finally eased Nicky's nerves enough to convince her to allow her to help her with the drug stashing issue, Lorna had come up with what—at the time—she considered to be the bright idea of sticking the drugs Nicky's ex was giving her in the apartment Vinny had stolen from her. However, now, she had unknowingly stuck herself right back into the crutches of Vinny's ruthless wrath.
The fact that she had made the wise decision to plant the drugs in her own apartment where Vinny now resided meant she couldn't go to the landlord about it. A fact that Alex continuously emphasized to her after Lorna had shared the news with her. She facepalmed herself a multitude of times since then but when it came down to it, she didn't entirely regret the decision. Helping Nicky was important to her. Nicky seemed alone and dismal and Lorna didn't want her to feel that way—something she was, herself, accustomed to feeling most of the time even though she worked so hard to feel nothing at all.
Though now as she sat in the living room of her best friend's apartment, a coffee in one hand and her other hand resting on the arm of the sofa she was taking up residence on, Lorna couldn't resist from wondering how much more of a deeper hole she dug for herself with Vinny. All because she thought it would be a great source of both revenge and benefit to plant the drugs in his stolen apartment. It was at the time exactly that but now that Alex had let it be known there could be possible consequences for those choices she wasn't entirely sure how smart she was for choosing to go through with it.
Alex, who perched herself on the spot one cushion over from Lorna, stared her over with a hardened expression oozing off her face. She couldn't believe Lorna—of all people—would get herself tied up in a drug ring such as the one she had just spent the past half hour listening to her go on and on about. Arms folded in over her chest the harder she looked at the brunette. "So, you actually already had the drugs put in your apartment with Vinny?"
The question was repeated again merely out of disbelief. Alex scrunched her forehead while trying to wrap her mind around the whole situation. What the hell could possibly make it plausible for Lorna to insert herself in a circumstance that was certainly a dangerous one? Was finding this Nicky attractive so important that Lorna would deem it perfectly okay to risk her life just to help her?
Lorna traced the tips of her fingers slowly up and down the length of the ceramic mug she held in her hand. Shoulders shifted up towards her cheeks. At the time she had brought up her idea with Nicky she hadn't even realized she was going to come up with it in the first place. It just sort of happened. Like an instinctive reaction. Her instincts kicked in and she wanted nothing more than to assist Nicky out of her issue. Would a normal person just up and impulsively get themselves in a situation like she had with the drugs? Probably not. But she wasn't normal. She never was. She always appeared to act on impulses, even in her childhood.
"It serves him right, don't it? I mean he stole the apartment from me and—erm, he's just a jerk." A hand instantly covered over her mouth when she realized what she almost allowed to slip out of it. Fortunately, she caught herself in time but how close she had been to revealing the extent of Vinny's wrathful side was overwhelmingly shocking. Lorna couldn't believe how careless she nearly happened to be.
To distract from the numerous thoughts running amuck through her mind, Lorna grabbed a hold of her coffee cup once more and took a savoring sip of its warm contents. She fixed her gaze on the blank television screen directly in front of where the pair of them sat. Its base rested on a wooden TV stand wedged right up against the wall behind it. An airy sigh came roaring out of her throat while her eyes remained almost in a mesmerized state staring at the blank screen of the TV ahead.
Alex nudged her shoulder inwards towards the lower part of her jaw and tapped her fingertips against the ceramic material of the mug cradled in her hand. Eyebrows furrowed above her eyes as she stared the younger woman methodically over. Despite her comment seemingly cutting off where it had, Alex pondered whether there was more to it than what Lorna was letting on. Gradually, she lifted the mug to her lips and sipped the coffee in a nonchalant manner.
After a sufficient intake of liquid she brought it back away from her mouth but allowed her hand to remain framed around the cup. Fingers tapping ever so lightly against the ceramic material while her eyes retained their stare on Lorna. "Don't get me wrong, kid, I agree that Vinny's a jerk and deserves karma but I think ya went about it a really dangerous way. What do you think he'll do if he finds out you planted the drugs there? And clearly ya can't try to get the apartment back if you have a stash of heroin hiding there, yeah? Did you think of that when ya decided to do this or no?"
That was likely the problem Lorna realized upon listening to the round of questioning given to her by her best coworker friend. She hadn't thought anything when she made the decision she made to plant those drugs in the apartment Vinny had now resided. The decision was just impulsively decided on the second she heard what was going on with Nicky. If she had taken even a fraction of a minute to think about the choice before making it maybe she wouldn't be at her ex's mercy right at this particular time. But she didn't take any time to think things through. Something Lorna was all too good at doing—deciding important things on impulse rather than rationality.
In the means to calm her nerves Lorna mirrored her friend's actions by picking up her own mug of coffee and lifting it to her mouth for an engaging sip. Eyes peered down into its contents when she was satisfied with her fluid intake. Another breath of air escaped from her lungs. "I mean, er, it sounded good at the time. I don't know. Maybe I didn't really think about it. I just—Nicky's so nice, I didn't want her freedom to be risked or nothin'. I figured it'd be real perfect to plant her ex's drugs in my ex's apartment. Even though the apartment is really mine," she muttered, shoulders bouncing backwards in unison.
Lips curved into a slight smile then switched to a slight frown. Alex gave an intent nod. She could understand exactly where Lorna was coming from with the choice but that didn't make it a wise one. She set her mug onto the end table and reached her hand across to gently place atop Lorna's that was lying on the cushion of the sofa. "Yeah, kid, ya got a tendency to do things without thinking about the consequences," Alex carefully started off while stroking her thumb comfortingly along the top of Lorna's hand with.
"In a perfect world I think your idea would be well earned but this world is far from perfect and I just worry shit's gonna blow up in your face. I don't want anything to happen to ya, ya know? You already planted the drugs there, didn't you?"
Lorna swallowed uncomfortably and shifted her legs beneath where she sat. Her stare still focused on the inside of the mug her other hand had been nursing around. Could she be in a world of a danger for the actions she chose to take part in? Worse danger than the wrath of Vinny? She couldn't imagine a worse consequence than her ex's wrath. She sure didn't want to find out what that could be, either. Maybe she could change her identity and move to a new country—start a new life. Her head shook the second such thought popped in her mind. That was a ludicrous idea, even more ludicrous than planting the drugs where she planted them.
Tapping her fingers rhythmically against the rim of the mug, she inhaled a sharp breath. She nodded her head slowly to acknowledge Alex's question. "Yeah I did it the other day when I knew he'd be at work," her voice shakily admitted. Vinny was already on her case, having called and left voicemail after voicemail on her phone the past two days since she'd put the drugs in the apartment. Eyes apprehensively made their way off of the cup and over onto her friend. "What do ya think's gonna happen, Al? Ya think he'll try to get me sent to jail for this? It's not like he saw me do nothin'."
Shoulders recoiling in a shrug, Alex returned Lorna's stare with an indistinguishable one of her own. Eyebrows arched wittingly above her worried blue eyes. She didn't know what would happen but she feared something was going to. From what she knew about Vinny he wouldn't take this sitting down that was for certain. He appeared to have a bit of a temper and if he found out Lorna was behind this Alex was terrified for Lorna's safety. "I just think ya oughta be careful. I don't trust him and if he does find out you did this, he could come after you or something. Ain't he part of the Italian mafia?"
The Italian mafia? Lorna nearly choked on her own spit. As far as she knew Vinny hadn't been a part of any sort of mafia let alone the Italian one. Where had Alex gotten that idea from? The query flooded ponderously through her mind. Her forehead creased with lines of faint trepidation. She hoped it wasn't a true statement. She really could be in for it if he did happen to be in the mafia. Was that why he had so much anger and hatred inside of him? Was he truly a part of the mafia? Did the mafia know about her family? That would explain why Vinny happened to be so violent towards her during their one-sided fake relationship.
That might also explain his secretive phone calls he didn't know she found him having every once in a while. They were eerie from what she could hear on his side of the calls. Her eyebrows immediately knitted above her eyes which now glazed over as they peered directly ahead of her at the window just to the right of the television screen. She instinctively lifted a hand up, running it nervously through her brown waves, and swallowed a thick ball of saliva.
"He never said anything about being a part of a mafia," Lorna waved a hand robotically in the air, shoulders momentarily puffing out and touching the edges of her face. "But I mean—erm, it's possible. I did catch him on weird phone calls at odd hours sometimes…he didn't notice but I felt somethin' strange about it. Ya think if he is part of it, he'll have his group come after me or even after Nicky?"
Alex gave a slight shrug while quirking an eyebrow. There was a significant chance that if Vinny did happen to be a part of an Italian mafia he would use that to go after the person responsible for framing him with the stashes of drugs. But she didn't want to terrify her friend. Lorna hadn't done well under trepidation or pressure. She sighed and copied Lorna's gestures, slicking a hand through her own strands of black hair. "That's a possibility, kid. But given the fact we don't know for certain he is in a mafia, we don't know what he'll do. Has he tried to contact you? Do ya think he knows?"
Biting down on her bottom lip, Lorna wasn't sure whether to respond with the truth or not. If Vinny was in the mafia and planning revenge she wasn't about to bring anyone else into it unknowingly. Mentally coming to a decision she settled on only shrugging her shoulders along with huffing out an exaggerated breath. "I ain't heard nothin' from him since he kicked me outta my apartment." The lie slipped out of her before she could even stop it but she wasn't shameful of that—it was safer to keep the truth to herself in this situation, anyway.
"Okay, that's good at least. Maybe he won't find out about how the drugs got there. But you gotta be careful, Lorna. Don't do anything else like that. Or else you could end up in a shitty situation."
Regardless of the—what Lorna deemed—slight fib she told Alex, Lorna had been stupid enough to leave traces behind when she went to plant the drugs in the apartment Vinny had wrongfully taken from her and now she certainly was in a shitty situation. He had been trying to contact her numerous times over the last couple of days, her phone blew up with several voicemails from him and she was scared shitless. But she reminded herself this would all be worth it in the long run if it meant keeping her new friend, Nicky, out of trouble with the law.
The friendship between she and Nicky appeared to be growing fast. Even more so now since she had intertwined herself into the drug situation Nicky had informed her of the previous Saturday. Whatever free time Lorna had between her job and running she would dedicate to spending time with Nicky whether it was just a night in at Nicky's apartment having a cold one while watching random movies or a night out having drinks at the local bar conversating. The pair were gradually becoming merely inseparable and Lorna's feelings toward her impeccably hard to ignore.
However, the closer she became to Nicky the harder it was to keep both how she felt about her and her dark secrets from surfacing. The uncomfortability about it made her crave running even more than usual. She ended up running so much she found herself partaking in the activity late into the night and even the wee hours of the morning. Instead of visiting with Nicky like she had been she was putting her energy and focus into running. Exercising. Fitness became, once again, the highlight of her life. She hadn't meant for it to happen but it was easier to retain her attention on running than it was to worry over her feelings for Nicky or the mess of a predicament she got herself into with Vinny and the drugs.
Her choices seemed to spiral with how much she focused on the running and the exercising. She was out of control and in control at the same time. Running the streets at night took her breath away which meant she didn't have to think about what was going on, didn't have to fret over the affection she had for Nicky.
It wasn't until one particular night Lorna chose to go for her usual nightly run that both her hearts' desires came crashing together. She hadn't paid much mind to the street she chose to run down along—meaning she had not a clue it happened to be the same street the bar Nicky worked at was located on and just as she was turning the corner, the pair collided rather harshly into one another. The collision immediately reddened Lorna's face as she promptly got herself up and profusely apologized to the person she crashed into, still unaware it was Nicky until she finally lifted her head up to see.
Nicky stood before the petite brunette, her work clothes a mess from spilling a couple of drinks she had prepared for guests, and huffed out an exasperated breath. She reached ahead of her to place both hands carefully onto her friend's shoulders in the means to steady her now highly apparent shaky body. Brown eyes peered into Lorna's with a stream of concern. The time on her watch showed it was nearing midnight—the end of her shift and why she was now outside the entrance of the bar—making her wonder the reason for Lorna's running along the sidewalk at that late hour.
Lines creased along the flesh of her forehead as she held a deep gaze with Lorna's brown eyes. Within a matter of seconds Nicky was able to effortlessly pick up on the dark circles emanating underneath the brown eyes she'd been peering into. She carefully raised a hand up so she could touch her fingertips gently against the flesh beneath one of the eyes. In a delicate manner she allowed the tips of her fingers to stroke from one side of the dark circle to the other.
"What are ya doin' running out here this late at night, kid?" Her husky voice finally broke the silent spell.
A lump melded into the back of her throat at the sound of the older woman's query. Lorna shuffled her feet nervously against the cement under them and tilted her head to one side. Eyes deterred away from Nicky's staring off into the starry sky. She felt her shoulders puff up against the sides of her face. "I always go for late night runs, hon. Helps me sleep betta after. Why do ya smell like a bottle of wine, huh?" Lorna swiftly shifted the topic of the conversation onto Nicky once her nose got a whiff of her.
Continuing to trace her fingers along the circle outlined below Lorna's eye, Nicky both sighed and chuckled at the change of subject. It seemed like Lorna always had a way of deflecting their discussions back onto her. The two had been friends for nearly three months now and Nicky still hadn't known much about Lorna other than the fact that she was a coffee addict who was a pro at keeping her own life secrets locked away. Despite the buzzing concern on said matter Nicky retained her silence on it—for the time being anyway, that was.
Instead her thoughts flooded onto the culprit for the wine scent oozing from her body. Another chuckle whistled up through her windpipe as the memory flashed in her mind. "Fuckin' spilled an entire glass on myself earlier when I was tending the bar. My ex showed up with her new lover and I was blinded with fury one might say," her teeth gritted together as she spoke. She could feel the anger seething through her veins once more bringing the topic of her cheating ex-girlfriend up. The despise she held inside for that woman was an unexplainable amount. It was especially so now since the drug ordeal had gotten her new friend swept up into everything.
Nicky shook her head and let her teeth dig harshly down into the flesh of her tongue. She was infuriated to have Lorna brought into this mess all thanks to that good-for-nothing Shani and her evil spawn of a new partner, Annalisa Damiva. A sigh escaped her as she brought her stare back onto Lorna who now, she realized, had her eyes fixed on something seemingly far away. "You okay, kid?"
The brunette immediately put her focus back on Nicky giving an eager nod in acknowledgement to the question thrown her way. And within seconds concern etched itself on her face causing her eyes to fill with the utmost compassion and sympathy for her dear friend. She lay a hand gently onto one of Nicky's shoulders pressing the palm of said hand delicately into the blade of it. "I'm sorry ya hadda see that, Nicky. Did she do that just to antagonize you? How trashy of her—are you okay?"
Nicky's lips twitched into a sad smile which after a quick moment completely vanished from her face. The warm touch of Lorna's hand on her shoulder brought a comforting shiver to her body. Made her even angrier at Shani and Annalisa for getting both she and Lorna tangled up in this web of drugs that not either of them wanted to be a part of in the first place.
However, on the contrary to how she may have been feeling on the inside, Nicky gave a fervent nod of her head in response. It wasn't like she had been envious of her ex's new girlfriend—she certainly didn't ever want to rekindle the relationship she and Shani once had—it was more having a gut full of infuriation towards the pair of them for trying to put the drugs they sought after in her possession. The audacity they had to make it seem like she was the one doing drugs and dealing them out to others after they were the ones going behind her back having sex was what lit a fire inside of her.
"I just wish I could go back and never meet her, ya know? Like just go back to when I didn't even know she existed at all. She's made my life really fuck up since the day we started dating and it makes me regret meeting her. Especially now since it got you involved in all this bullshit. I have so much fuckin' anger towards her. I wish I coulda spilled the glass of wine on her damn clothes instead a mine."
The comment Lorna found herself relating to almost completely. She felt the same way when it came to Vinny—she'd have given anything to go back in time and not accept his offer to go out on that first date. A breath of air expelled from her lungs as she moved her hand off of Nicky's shoulder and instead wrapped both of her arms securely around her waist. Her head naturally laid itself onto the same shoulder her hand once was on while she gave Nicky a tender squeeze.
She took in Nicky's perfumed hair that brushed against the flesh of one of her cheeks and let out a disheartened sigh. The anger she heard shaking through Nicky's voice only made her want to embrace her snugger—closer. As if the tighter she hugged onto Nicky the harder it would be for the anger to remain. Wishful thinking, honestly, but she couldn't help herself. Nicky didn't deserve all that anger, all the pain she was left with from her ex's cruel decisions.
"I know exactly what ya mean, hon. I get that feeling and I'm real sorry ya hadda be with a person like her," Lorna said after hugging Nicky for several quiet passing moments. Her lips twitched into a frown as she turned her head to be able to look up into the older woman's big brown eyes. Big brown eyes that appeared to be harboring a heartrending darkness deep inside of them.
Wrapping her own arms around Lorna, Nicky pulled her close and let out a breath. When she felt a slight shiver shake through Lorna's body a few seconds later she tightened her hold on the girl in the hopes her arms would warm Lorna up somehow. "I say we finish this conversation after we get outta this cold air, yeah? C'mon, kid, we'll go to my place and you can spend the night. I don't think it'd be safe for ya to run back to yours at this time a night and I sure as hell won't let that happen," Nicky sternly assured her friend and pulled her away from the street in leu of her car—which avoided giving Lorna the chance to protest.
The heat of Nicky's apartment immediately shocked Lorna into the reality of how damn cold it had been outside. Her hands and fingers tingled from the change in weather climate the second the pair entered inside of it. She followed Nicky through the kitchen into the living room area and plopped down on the sofa exactly how she observed Nicky do right before her. Her head turned so she could have a good view of Nicky, watching her rather intently. She instinctively moved her body closer to Nicky's and intertwined their hands together.
A contented breath of air whistled its way through Lorna's esophagus as she sat there gently lacing her fingers over and over together with the redhead's. Silence filled the air for quite a while. All that could be heard—aside from the running furnace—was the sound of their breaths. Lorna swallowed and lifted her other arm to wrap its way around Nicky's waist like it had been when they were standing on the sidewalk just a half hour prior. It felt natural to her having her arm around Nicky, having Nicky's fingers laced with her own. Nothing like the discomfort she felt any time physical contact was shared between herself and Vinny.
Shame and guilt were quick to rise within her upon the realization. Despite her battle accepting her lesbianism, the Catholic upbringing always came forth the second she had the kind of realization she was having currently. How dare she find it natural and comfortable being intimate with another woman. How dare she allow herself to even ponder over such a thought as being with a woman the same way she was with Vinny. She was sick to even imagine a scenario. A scenario that wasn't ever allowed to be acted upon if she didn't want to be doomed to a torturous afterlife burning in hell alongside the devil and all the other demons residing there.
"Ya want a pair of pajamas to change into?" Nicky broke the silence when she felt the dampness of Lorna's shirt against the arm she had wrapped around her once she sensed Lorna's arms around herself.
If Nicky had spoken to her it had gone unto deaf ears. Lorna's eyes had fixed themselves onto the wooden shelf nailed to the wall across the room from where Nicky's head was aimed. Her mind anywhere but on the current conversation she had no idea was even taking place. All she knew was that she was a demented being for even considering being more than friends with Nicky. For even sitting there with her now enjoying how their hands fit so perfectly—poetically—together, how the sides of their bodies pressed into one another. How Nicky's warm, husky, voice always seemed to cause her heart to jump a few beats.
Nicky noticed the lack of response and moved her eyes onto what Lorna's were focused on. Her forehead scrunched up with puzzled lines upon it. She turned her gaze back onto Lorna, snapping her fingers directly in her face to break her out of whatever trance she happened to be in. "Hey, Lorna, ya hear what I asked? Are ya here with me, kid?" Concern seeped through her voice as she placed those same fingers she'd just snapped tenderly onto one of Lorna's cheeks.
Out of habit, Lorna's body automatically flinched at the sound of Nicky's raised voice. Though, at the time, she hadn't thought the voice belonged to Nicky but Vinny. Numerous occasions she remembered Vinny harshly snapping her out of a daze by yelling at her while also smacking his fingers almost completely in her eye sockets. Once she had refocused her stare back in front of her on Nicky she felt the shame settle in yet again. She hadn't meant to flinch the way her body had only moments ago—it just happened.
The robotic wince of Lorna's body had not gone unwitnessed by Nicky. She noticed it as soon as it occurred which only intensified the concern she already felt towards Lorna. A lack of response was still present continuing to strengthen Nicky's worry. She moved her hand away from Lorna's face and allowed the arm of that one to also wrap soothingly around Lorna's waist. Her big brown eyes filled with regret now while peering into the younger woman's unreadable ones.
"Hey," her voice murmured in a soothing tone after some time went by and still no response on Lorna's end. It looked like the brunette was miles away from her the way she'd been staring off into space for the past few minutes. She let her fingers rub up and down the length of her back, pulling her closer in the process. "What's wrong, kid? Ya don't look too good—and ya kinda shook when I tried to get your attention…everything okay? I didn't mean to scare ya, I'm sorry."
Mentally shaking herself out of her active mind, Lorna fiercely nodded her head and pursed her lips into an overexaggerated smile. "I'm good, hon. Sorry I just kinda daze out sometimes after a run is all. I forgot where I was and thought I was in my apartment so when ya snapped your fingers in fronta me I thought a stranger was breaking in. I watch way too much crime documentaries," she explained in a speedy voice, words jumbling together from how fast she was talking. A sheepish laugh followed directly after as well as her cheeks blushed a bright shade of pink.
Nicky bit down on her tongue, nodding her head even though she hadn't entirely believed Lorna's explanation. The way Lorna spoke so quickly that her words ran together was reason enough for her to wonder if there was more to the story of her flinching and dazing out behavior. But for now she chose to keep her worries on that matter to herself. She didn't want to bring attention to it if Lorna wasn't prepared to go further into detail about the whole ordeal.
With a sigh Nicky leaned back until her spine was pressing into the arm of the sofa and propped her feet onto the cushion near the other arm of the sofa.
Naturally the gesture also caused Lorna to have her feet propping against the same cushion from how Nicky's arms remained secured around her waist only a couple of inches away from Nicky's due to her shorter stature.
Out of both exhaustion and the yearn for closeness between them, Lorna easily allowed her spine to rest backwards against the front of Nicky's body which happened to be directly behind her due to how Nicky had still retained her hold on her. For a moment Lorna closed her eyes and just took in a number of deep breaths. Hoping the motion would somehow keep the shame from creeping up again. But, not before long, the sensation found its way back and her chest heaved a sharp pang within.
There was a sudden tension in Lorna's back Nicky immediately noticed. She used her hand to press softly against the spot where she felt a knot and massaged her fingertips tenderly into the surrounding area in the desire of stroking it away. Regardless of Lorna's words, Nicky had a strong inkling there was much more to her story. And at some point Nicky was determined to get to the root of it. Lorna was putting her own life on the line for her with the drug stashing—the least Nicky could do was be there for her and help her with whatever was going on in her life…whatever it was Lorna was withholding from her.
Sunlight poured into the room the very next morning and it was the heat of that exact sunlight that was what shook Lorna out of her slumber rather swiftly upon the sun's peeking through the window of Nicky's apartments' living room. The sensation of a blanket happened to be one of the first things Lorna noticed upon opening her eyes and innately stretching her arms down towards her legs which were covered by the wool material. She turned her head to see if Nicky was still there underneath her but was slightly disheartened to see she wasn't.
Inhaling a deep breath Lorna slowly let it out while lifting the blanket off of her legs and rapidly forcing herself up from the couch. The aroma of coffee hit her nose instantly after she maneuvered herself from the sofa and she followed its trail leading her directly into the kitchen where she was finally reunited with Nicky.
The redhead was seated at the two seater kitchen table a few feet away from the counters lining the wall in a slight L-shape. Her ears picked up on the commotion of footsteps clacking against the tile floor and her attention was quickly brought away from her mug she had nursed between her two hands on the wooden surface of the table. She met her eyes with Lorna's, lips instantaneously forming into her usual lopsided smile when she did so. "Mornin', kid. Ya sleep well?" Nicky asked, looking her over in a precise manner.
Sniffing the air contentedly, Lorna bobbed her head in a nod and found herself staring hungrily at Nicky's steaming mug. Her nose couldn't get enough of the strong coffee scent wafting through the room. Nothing brought her more comfort than the delectable smell of her beloved bold beverage. "I slept good, thanks. But I could still use some coffee—erm, am I okay to fix myself a cup, Nicky?" She didn't know why she felt so nervous to ask such a simple request but nonetheless she did. Embarrassment etched itself in the means of a bright red face when she realized her voice went up a few pitches than was normal for her.
Picking up on the faint tremor as well as unusually high-pitched tone in Lorna's voice, Nicky couldn't resist from getting up off her seat and walking right over to Lorna and pulling her in for a warm embrace. Something was clearly wrong. The more she observed Lorna and the more she spent time with her the more she was able to come to such a conclusion. It was blatant to Nicky that Lorna was struggling with something and she vowed to figure out what that something was.
"Course' ya can fix yourself a coffee, kid. Ya don't gotta be afraid to ask. C'mon," Nicky said, giving her a tender squeeze before releasing her hold altogether and gesturing with her hand for Lorna to follow her. She grabbed a mug from the cabinet above where she kept her coffee pot, then set it onto the surface of the counter next to said machine. Her head turned slightly so her eyes could meet Lorna's once more. "What do ya take in your coffee? Sugar and cream?"
Lips curved into a temporary smile but then quickly fell back into their normal straight-line position. "I usually do Splenda and cream if ya have any. Or just the yellow packets of sweetener," Lorna muttered in a nonchalant manner. She hadn't used sugar in her coffee in she couldn't even count how many years it had been. When she first made the switch from sugar to Splenda it was purely out of taste preferences. Now, however, it was purely out of caloric preferences. Whatever had less calories was what persuaded her decisions these days.
Nicky huffed a slight breath. "Splenda, huh? Ya know that's more harmful for your body than a teaspoon of sugar, yeah?" She folded her arms across her chest while peering Lorna over quite precisely. When her eyes landed on Lorna's she took note of how the dark circles she saw yesterday hadn't depleted much despite the sleep Lorna had gotten during the night. Alarm bells started ringing in her head. She had to bite her tongue to keep from voicing her concerns. The friendship was still too new for her to be prying too much in Lorna's life just yet.
The comment could not be fully processed by Lorna's mind. One teaspoon of sugar had fifteen calories while any amount of Splenda had zero. Of course that meant sugar was the worse choice. Lorna shrugged her shoulders and covered a hand over her mouth to stop a chuckle from venturing out of it. "Splenda is no more harmful than smoking a cigarette, right? If ya don't have any I'll just have a half teaspoon of sugar. Sorry, hon, I don't meana make a fuss—I'm just used to putting Splenda in at my place and forget most people probably don't got it at theirs."
"Okay, ya got a point there. Splenda isn't any worse than a cigarette but it has a better chance of giving you cancer than a little bit of sugar does. That's all I'm sayin'. That's why I don't buy any of it. I drink my coffee black, anyway, so I don't think about what kinda sweeteners to have. I'll get the creamer and sugar out for ya."
While Nicky was busy getting the items she said she was going to get, Lorna stood there absorbing everything that was just disclosed to her. Should she even be drinking her coffee the way she drank it? Was she unhealthy for putting cream and sweetener in her coffee? Was Nicky trying to tell her she needed to cut out sugar? Somehow implying that she was fat and needed to watch her intake when it came to liquid calories? Lorna couldn't stop her mind from spiraling with all kinds of likely nonsensical thoughts.
She was only brought out of her thoughts by the placement of a creamer carton and sugar dish next to her ceramic mug resting between her two vastly stiff hands. Swallowing uneasily, Lorna quietly thanked her friend but didn't lift a finger to add either into the cup. Instead she stood frozen staring blankly between the sugar and creamer. Secretly wondering if this was some sort of test to see how bad of a person she was. If she added either one to her coffee would it show Nicky how unhealthy her lifestyle was, how fat she was in comparison to Nicky?
Grabbing the half full pot of coffee from underneath the filter Nicky carefully carried it towards Lorna and tipped it so that the brown liquid poured into Lorna's mug. After, she replaced it under the coffee maker and turned back to refocus her attention on the brunette. Concern flooded to the surface when she noticed Lorna hadn't moved an inch since she'd brought over the sugar and cream. Nicky moved closer to her and placed her hands on the rim of the counter, "Hey, I didn't mean to belittle your sweetener choices or anything. I was just jokin' with you, kid. I'm sorry—I didn't mean for ya to take it personal."
Easier said than done was the first thing that came to mind. Lorna sighed and forced her lips into a smile even though the last thing she felt like doing was smiling. She held up a hand and waved it in the air. "Oh, no, course' I—erm I know ya were, hon. S'all good. I just uh I think I'm gonna try it black today. Like you. Sorry I made ya get all that out just to not even use any a it. I bet ya regret inviting me over now, huh?" Lorna tried to laugh it off but it didn't receive her a laugh in response. Just a sad stare from Nicky.
Quirking a suspicious eyebrow, Nicky gradually moved her hand from the rim of the counter up and across onto Lorna's shoulder. She gave it a tender, yet firm, squeeze. Eyes stared both ponderously and sternly into Lorna's. "Why the sudden change? Did I offend ya with my comment, kid? Tell me the truth. I don't want ya making decisions just because ya think ya gotta please me or some shit. If you want cream and sugar in your coffee you have the right to put those in. Just because I drink mine plain doesn't mean you have to, Lorna," Nicky tried to be gentle and reassuring with her words but it didn't seem they had the proper effect on the other.
It was too late. Lorna already settled on having the coffee plain. She felt bad for making Nicky take out what she asked for and then choosing not to use either of them so she took it upon herself to put both of the items back where she witnessed Nicky get them out of. Lifting the mug up by its handle she brought it to her lips and sipped a good portion of it down. A heaping breath of air came out right after she took the sip and she found herself in a mental state of panic. Which made her crave running.
She walked towards the table now that the things were returned to their places and let her body fall back into one of the chairs—the one facing the front door of Nicky's apartment. Eyes peered heavily at the wooden door trying to busy her mind with inspecting the pattern of it instead of stressing over the coffee and what Nicky had commented about the sugar/Splenda debate. She couldn't stop her mind from remaining fixated on the conversation that had long been over with now.
It was easier to fixate on things like calories and running. She didn't have to feel either of those, all she had to do was focus her mind on the specific number of calories she was putting in her body and how many minutes she needed to run each day to purge herself of those calories. It took away from the stresses of how the hell she was going to ward off her attraction to Nicky as well as the whole situation with the drugs and Vinny. If she thought about either, she knew all she would experience was a plethora of guilt and shame. Both of which she had enough of for multiple people rather than just her lonesome self.
Another silence spell Nicky eerily thought and puffed out an exasperated breath. Having watched Lorna return the carton of creamer and sugar dish to their specific spots without mixing either one into her cup of coffee didn't ease any of Nicky's concern in the slightest. She followed Lorna's footsteps to the table, situating herself in the empty chair across from her. "Lorna, doll, I'm so sorry if I made ya feel bad about what you put in your coffee. That wasn't my intention at all. You sure ya don't want to put the cream and sugar in it?"
Taking another large sip of her warm beverage, Lorna shook her head and waved her hand in the air once more. "Nah, s'all good. I could benefit from less cream and sugar anyway. We have enough to worry about right now, who cares about coffee ingredients? What if we end up in trouble with the cops for the drugs, Nicky?"
Sensing the growing apprehension Nicky naturally found herself leaning across the table and using one of her hands to soothingly tuck a stray strand of hair behind Lorna's ear with. "It's a possibility, kid, but a small one. If ya placed the drugs in your ex's place then he'll get in trouble for it. You don't have to worry so much, okay? He doesn't know you did it, right?" Her head tilted to the side a small amount as her eyes melded with Lorna's frantic brown ones. The sight had a faint pang form in her chest. This was exactly why she despised Lorna's decision for getting involved in her mess.
Lorna bit into the side of her mouth but shook her head. Her fingers tapped anxiously against the ceramic material of the mug nursed between them. "Right, yeah. I just—I guess I feel kinda guilty. But I also don't want you to get in trouble for nothin' so I don't feel guilty at the same time. Am I stupid for thinking it was a good idea planting them in his apartment? Maybe I shoulda just taken them and flushed them down a toilet," Lorna mumbled while staring down into the mug of her coffee. She randomly stuck her thumb inside of it and then brought it up to her mouth using her lips to suck the liquid from it.
"Wanna talk about your ex maybe? I mean I don't know much about him other than he's a piece of shit who stole your apartment after the breakup. Should I be worried that he might hurt you if he ever finds out how the drugs got there?"
Cocking her head to one side Lorna felt a breath of air get stuck in her throat as it made its way up from her lungs. She removed her grasp from her coffee mug and instead used that hand to habitually slick back her thick brown waves. "No, ya don't gotta worry. I ain't even heard from him since I left him so it's all okay. I just sometimes think about it and wish I'da maybe got rid of the drugs altogether and that way it would be like they never even existed. Course' it's too late for that now. I guess I just make choices without thinking sometimes—probably why I was with him for as long as I was to begin with. I can be real stupid sometimes," Lorna admitted, gesturing her hand in the air for emphasis.
The rambling Lorna did made Nicky's affection for her grow—concern crept up too as she listened to the comments Lorna made about her ex. Though there wasn't much information to go by there was enough for Nicky to wonder about the man. What exactly type of man was he? Nicky sighed and took a hold of one of Lorna's hands, patting it softly between the two of hers. "You're not stupid, Lorna. Everyone makes dumb decisions from time to time but that doesn't make the person who made it dumb or stupid. It's just a part a life, ya know? Fuck, ya already know the dumb choice I made by getting involved with my ex—guess you and I are good at picking bad partners, huh?"
Nicky chuckled and Lorna copied her with a chuckle of her own. She couldn't agree more with the older woman's statement. It seemed like they both had bad judgements when it came to searching for a love interest. Lorna felt her lips curve up into a light-hearted smile and allowed her hand to relax into the one holding it. "Guess ya got a good point there, hon. And at least you're not alone in this drug mess thing anymore. I know ya ain't too happy with me for getting involved but I couldn't let ya go down for other people's bullshit choices. So I ain't sorry for weaving myself into the web, too," she firmly stated, brushing her fingers delicately along the palm of Nicky's hand that pressed against hers.
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave," Nicky couldn't stop herself from commenting the saying with a smirk.
Shoulders raised up to each side of her jaw as she held Lorna's gaze. "At least if the cops get involved we'll all be going down together. Even though that's bullshit since this is fucking Shani's problem. Bitter bitch—she's the one who cheated on me, I don't know why the hell she thinks I shoulda stayed with her after that? Does that make any sense to you, kid?"
The rage poking through Nicky's voice was not hard at all for Lorna to pick up on. It sharpened the pang already sitting in her chest which in turn had her switching the positioning of their hands so that hers was holding gently onto Nicky's now. She used her thumb to caress slowly, delicately, around the palm of Nicky's hand. Her doe-brown eyes peered softly up into Nicky's. A sad breath of air squealed through her windpipe when she caught sight of the sadness fighting to hide itself from the older woman's facial features.
"This whole drug thing is because she's mad at you for leaving her when she's the one who cheated?" It sounded outrageous saying the words aloud. Lorna scrunched up her face as if that would help her make sense of it but there was no making sense of it. The only one who had the right to be pissed in that situation was Nicky. Nicky was innocent in all of this.
Huffing out a breath, Nicky used her free hand to grab her cup of coffee and raised it up for a quick desirable sip. The majority of why this was happening led back to that Nicky nodded her head. But she knew that wasn't the entire reason. She frowned, after swallowing the liquid, and set the mug back where it previously rested on the surface of the table. "I'd say ninety percent of it is because of that, which is fucking messed up. But I mean I did fuck up, too, and that's what led to her cheating—I have an addiction to heroin and spent the majority of our relationship trying to maintain my high. Most of the money I used to get the heroin was stolen from her wallet…after I used up all mine. So I mean it's not all on her but fuck—she's messed up for thinking I'd stay with her after the cheating. I don't know the whole fucking thing is messed up."
"But drug addiction ain't like something ya choose to have, right? I still think your ex is the bad person here not you, Nicky. What ya did doesn't justify her cheating on ya. If she didn't like what ya were doing she shoulda just left. When was the last time ya used, anyway?"
Nicky swallowed thickly, her heart fluttered at the compassion she heard in Lorna's soft voice. She momentarily bowed her head down, shamed of her past self and the awful path she had chosen to take. Her teeth dug into her lower lip as she fought back tears she felt trying to break free of her eyelids. "Course' it ain't. Fuck, I wouldn't wish drug addiction on my worst enemy—which is obviously Shani. It's been about six months since I've been high. And that's a record for me—I've been high almost every day since I moved outta my mother's place six years ago," she felt sick with herself for admitting that part aloud. The tears only grew stronger now and there was no way she could force them to stay in any longer.
Watching how hard Nicky was struggling to keep her emotions inside Lorna sensed her heart tightening in her chest. She couldn't just sit there and do nothing anymore; she pushed herself up and walked over behind the chair Nicky was cushioned on, wrapping her arms around her from behind. Her hands ran soothingly along the sides of Nicky's abdomen. "That's wonderful, hon, ya oughta be proud of yourself for that," she murmured, pressing her face into the back of Nicky's head. "I'm proud a you for not using in six months. When, uh, when did the cheating incident occur? How many months ago was that?"
Snuffling air in through her nose, Nicky's chest tightened with warmth from the tender words the brunette spoke to her. An overwhelming sensation whirled through her veins. The tears poured over and out streaming along each of her cheeks. She got up from the chair so she could return the affectionate embrace she'd been receiving from Lorna. Arms threw themselves protectively around the shorter woman's slender waist simultaneously bringing her closer to her own body.
"I appreciate you so much, kid. You're sweet for sayin' that," she spoke not too much louder than a whisper. With the amount of tears running along her face she knew if she spoke any louder than that Lorna would be able to tell she was crying. The hand she had resting on Lorna's back Nicky used to gently trace up and down the length of it. "It's been four months since she cheated. But who knows if that was the only time, she coulda done it before. I don't know and don't care. Just wish I could move on from this but thanks to her spite, we're both stuck in this fucked up hole."
"Four months?" Lorna repeated with arched eyebrows. When she felt Nicky's head nod in response, she sucked in a deep breath and grinded her teeth roughly together. She let her arms release from Nicky's waist and brought them up to frame her hands around her face instead. Her eyes looked gently, yet firmly, into Nicky's. "Not that it matters about the time or nothin', but if it was only four months ago then she cheated on ya while you weren't even using in drugs no more. That makes it even more fucked up what she did to you, hon. I mean no matter what what she did was never okay but the fact that you were drug free just makes it real evil a her."
A lump molded at the back of her throat upon hearing Lorna's proclamation. It was unbelievably heartwarming—tender—the way Lorna tried to reassure her with those words. But Nicky couldn't believe that what Shani had done was something she hadn't been deserving of. She chalked Shani's cheating up to karma. Karma she had earned for the decisions she made while the two were together. It was her punishment for getting involved with drugs and stealing money that hadn't even been hers. She deserved being cheated on—deep down Nicky couldn't honestly blame Shani for doing so. All she did was cause trouble and drama with her addiction. Something was bound to happen.
Nicky was taken aback when she felt her body tremor with an unexpected sob. To steady herself she tightened her arms around Lorna's spine and leaned her head closer until she had easy access to hide it against Lorna's thick brown waves of hair. "You are the absolute opposite of her, Lorna. I just am grateful to know you and have ya in my life right now. You're so comforting and sweet, kid. Please don't ever change yourself for anyone, okay? You're perfect the way ya are," she mumbled huskily against a strand of hair that fell onto her lips.
Exiting out of Nicky's apartment early in the afternoon to make it to her shift at the diner, Lorna briskly made her way through the hallway towards the elevators oblivious to if anyone else was walking the same direction. When she felt her body collide with another she finally realized she hadn't been alone and felt herself become temporarily frozen as she caught sight of the person who the other body belonged to.
Vinny swiftly got up off of the ground, dusting his pants off, and towered over her just a moment later. He squinted his eyes and darkened them upon taking notice the culprit of his fall was none other than Lorna Morello. He shook his head and licked his lips with his tongue. "Fancy meeting you here, Morello," his voice inflected darkly with much more venom than Lorna remembered hearing come out of it before. His hands gripped onto the sides of Lorna's body causing her to be violently yanked up off the ground as well.
Trepidation coursed through every last one of her veins the microsecond she felt Vinny's grip on her. She remained frozen beneath his touch. All she had the capability of doing was swallowing down the saliva that had pooled at the base of her mouth. If only she had remembered his apartment was on the same floor Nicky's was. Maybe she could have avoided this situation altogether if she had remembered. Eyes squeezed shut as she tried to figure out a way out of this predicament. Her shift at the diner started in forty-five minutes and it took her fifteen to walk there from the complex. The longer he held her frozen there the less time she had to make it to her job before being considered late. Something Lorna never was to work.
Air squeaked out of her mouth and that happened to be the precise moment she realized her neck was being squeezed by Vinny's uncomfortably rough, calloused, hands. That clearly confirmed to her that he knew she was the one to place those drugs in his apartment. She gulped or tried to but failed from the tightness of his hands around her neck. She opened her mouth wanting so badly to scream or yelp but nothing would come out.
Vinny only snickered at her struggle. When he witnessed her lips slightly start to blue he reluctantly released his choke hold but retained a hand on her shoulder. "Don't think you're gonna get away with what ya did, Lorna. I know you put that stash of fucking heroin in my bathroom cabinet. And I swear to ya if the police come after me I'm gonna come after you twice as hard. You understand me?" The loudness of his voice inadvertently caused his saliva to fall onto Lorna's face. She winced at the sensation and he sneered.
"Let go a me, I gotta get to work. I-I don't know what you're talking about—"
A hard slap to the face swiftly interjected her blatant lie. Vinny also knew when she was being deceitful with him. The way she stuttered over her words and the shaking of her voice was what gave her away. He didn't fancy being lied to. His eyes darkened further as he peered fiercely down into her clearly frightful ones. "Don't fuckin' lie to me. You're already on thin ice. Ya better watch your back, Lorna. I swear to God I'll have you regretting this for the resta your life if I end up in jail for this stunt ya pulled. I'll tell your parents about your homosexual disease. That what ya want?"
Before she had the chance to even catch her breath fully she felt herself being body slammed right back onto the wooden floorboards. She had no time to react after with Vinny's going at it a second time and third until she finally felt his grasp being released from her body. Instinctively her eyes squeezed tightly shut while her hands reached up to cover overtop her head out of fear that he was going to finish her off with a violent blow to the top of it.
However when several moments passed and nothing more was done to her, Lorna shakily forced herself to get up off of the floor and reopened her eyes. She still felt slightly uncertain of what to do next—fear remained that he hadn't been finished with her. Breath convulsed harshly in and out of her faintly trembling mouth. She placed a hand on the wall behind her to steady her shaky stance. Once her breathing calmed into a normal pattern again, she was able to focus her eyes on her surroundings and was relieved to find Vinny was no longer in her presence.
In his absence she was surprised to find Nicky standing a few feet away from her. The look on her face face wordlessly told Lorna that Nicky had witnessed nearly the entire ordeal due to the high volume of compassion oozing out of her big brown soft eyes which hadn't once gazed away from her own brown ones. Lorna blinked rapidly and curved her lips upwards but they fell back into the frown they had naturally settled into only moments earlier.
Having heard the yelling and thumping from the crack separating her apartment's door from the floor Nicky instinctively found herself walking out to see what all the commotion was about. What she didn't expect to witness was a dark-haired man using her friend as an object the way he was violently—and repetitively—picking her up and throwing her to the ground. Her heart completely depleted and sank to her stomach when she saw that was the culprit for the noises she was hearing in her kitchen.
Once she was able to calm her racing heart sufficiently, Nicky acted on autopilot and kicked the man from behind knocking him to the ground and off of Lorna. She stood there holding a hand over her chest watching as the man scurried off a few seconds after the fact. Only when she'd seen him completely vanish down the hallway did Nicky deem it safe to make her way towards Lorna.
Lorna had gotten herself up and was leaning with her hands against the wall when Nicky made her way over she observed. A sigh pushed itself out of her half-open mouth. She cautiously reached a hand out to gesture at the shorter woman who now appeared even smaller as she stood trembling against the wall behind her. "C'mere, kid. Can I hold your hand and help ya outta here?" She felt it was safer to ask before just taking a hold of the other after what she had the misfortune of witnessing happen to her. The last thing Nicky wanted was to scare her even more.
"I, erm, I have to go to work. I have to go to work, Nicky. My shift starts in forty five minutes and it-it takes me fifteen to run there. I have to go," Lorna kept repeating, she grabbed her phone from her pocket to make sure the time wasn't much later than when she exited Nicky's apartment but the second she touched the screen she realized forty-five minutes was now twenty-five minutes. Franticness set in immediately. She was going to be late if she didn't start heading out now. Now she really did have to run to the diner. There was no way she was about to show up late for her shift.
Shaking her head fervently Nicky moved closer and delicately reached her hand across to settle onto Lorna's shoulder. She gently traced her thumb from one side of it to the other. No way was she about to allow Lorna to attend work in a condition like the one she was in now. "You can't go to work like this, Lorna. You're hurt and need to come with me so I can get ya taken care of. C'mon. It's okay, you're allowed to put your health before work for one night. Just let me help you back to my apartment and then I'll call the diner and let them know you can't make it in today."
Nicky didn't give Lorna a chance to negotiate the proposition as she moved her hand from the shoulder it was resting on and took a warm hold of one of Lorna's. She used her hold on that hand to help lead Lorna back down towards her apartment and didn't release it until the pair were safely inside it and getting situated on the couch in the living room.
The second Lorna felt Nicky's placing her on the sofa she immediately curled herself into the arm of it, tucking her legs underneath to make her appear as small as Vinny made her feel when he bludgeoned her out in the hallway. She raised a hand up to the top of the couch moving it around to see if there was a blanket there but was met with nothing. A sigh escaped and she returned her hand onto the arm of it where her head was resting.
"What do you need? A blanket?" Nicky questioned having observed Lorna's behavior of touching her hand around the top of the sofa as if trying to feel for one.
Receiving a timid nod in acknowledgement Nicky quickly went to retrieve one from her bedroom. She returned a moment later and wrapped it softly around Lorna's faintly shaking body. A frown settled onto her face; she perched herself on the cushion right beside her and rested a hand on Lorna's blanket-covered leg rubbing it soothingly in the process. "What can I do for you, doll? Do you have your boss's number so I can call them and let them know you're not coming?"
Calling off work wasn't something Lorna had ever done before. She needed the money and knew if she didn't show up for her shift she would lose her perfect attendance record which meant she wouldn't receive her yearly raise this year. That wasn't an option in her world. She couldn't lose her chance of a raise. It didn't matter to her if she had just endured a traumatizing ordeal with Vinny—she'd suffered numerous of those over the past mere year and never let it stop her from working her shifts before. She couldn't start now.
"I'm okay, Nicky, I can make my shift. Just, erm, would ya possibly be able to drive me—I'll be late if I walk—"
"No, Lorna, you are not okay. And you're not going to work tonight. You have bleeding cuts on your forehead and fucking handprints on your neck—there's no way I'll allow ya to go to work like this. You need to stay and rest and let me take care of you. Tell me who I can call and let know you're unwell for work? Do ya have a coworker's number or anything?"
Lorna grunted out a defeated breath. Her hand dug into one of her pockets to retrieve her phone with and shakily handed it over to Nicky's awaiting hand. She wasn't keen on the decision but knew she hadn't the energy to argue over it with Nicky. "My friend Alex, she's working the same shift. You can call her and tell her. But I really think this is over the top. I can manage work. I've managed it on worst days, honestly," the last part was muttered mostly to herself. She lifted a hand to her forehead and pushed back loose strands of hair.
Worst days? The words echoed through Nicky's mind. Lines scrunched up on her forehead as she took them in and tried to process the meaning behind them. But before she chose to ask Lorna for elaboration on the matter she held up a finger and placed the phone against her ear. "We'll discuss that more after I get off this call, Lorna. In fact we got a lotta shit to unpack here when I'm done on the phone," Nicky assured the brunette looking her firmly in the eyes while listening through the rings sounding into the receiver pressed up onto her ear.
Not many rings had been heard before the line finally picked up and a raspy voice greeted Nicky. She held the phone in place with her shoulder so that she cold use her hands to gently frame around Lorna's face. Her eyes held Lorna's in an intent gaze, seeping with the utmost compassion to show her she only meant what she said out of care and concern for her. "Hi, is this Lorna's coworker Alex?"
Eyebrows curving above her ponderous blue eyes Alex gripped the phone unnervingly tighter to her ear and nodded her head profusely. Then realized she needed to voice her acknowledgement since the person asking her was on the other end of the phone and not there in the diner's kitchen with her. "Yeah, who's this? Why do ya have my friend's phone? Something happen to her? Fuck, tell me this doesn't have to do with whatever drug ring she got herself involved with?"
"Sorry, uh, I'm Nicky Lorna's friend. She's here with me and I was tryna find someone she works with to call to tell she won't be able to make it in for her shift tonight—"
Alex instinctively dropped the knife she was holding and chopping an onion with when she heard who she was speaking with. Nicky was the woman Lorna had mentioned—the same woman who Lorna chose to take those drugs for and stash away in Vinny's apartment. If Lorna wasn't coming to work that confirmed to Alex something did happen to her and it was indeed because of the drug thing. She gulped uneasily and shifted her feet against the tiled floor beneath them.
"Lorna never misses her shift—what happened? What the hell happened to her? Vinny did something, didn't he? I knew he'd fucking find out about the drugs and now he hurt her," the words rushed out of her, nearly in a screaming manner from the plethora of rage she felt just speaking her best friend's ex's name.
Nicky began to wonder if what she witnessed the man do to Lorna earlier was something that happened often. Clearly the man must have been this mysterious Vinny she concluded after hearing the woman on the phone get so upset and frantic over him. Was the reason Lorna broke up with her ex because he was an abusive piece of shit? Nicky drew in a deep breath and slid her teeth into the flesh of her tongue.
Her eyes searched over Lorna's face methodically trying to find any clues as to what she might have been thinking or feeling but came up empty-handed. "I just heard some yelling and things being shoved around outside my apartment a bit ago and when I went to check what it was I saw Lorna being shoved to the ground by some guy—I didn't recognize him but I'm gonna take a guess it was this Vinny guy? Is that the name of her ex?"
A knot melded into the pit of Alex's stomach listening to Nicky's revelation over the phone. She sucked her bottom lip inwards and finally bent down to pick up the knife she'd dropped. Washing the knife in the sink was the only thing she could do to keep herself from playing out the scenario in her mind. Now was not the time to be thinking too much into it—she needed to get through her shift and then she could focus on worrying about her best friend. At least for the time being it seemed Lorna was in good hands with Nicky. But the thought of Lorna's body being tackled to the ground by that godforsaken Vinny made every last one of Alex's hairs poke up from her skin. She wanted to find Vinny and stab him in the neck with the very knife she was washing.
"Yeah Vinny's her ex and he's an asshole. Can ya keep Lorna there with you? I'm gonna try to get off early and I'll come over if that's okay? She's been staying with me since the breakup and now that it's clear he wants to harm her, I don't want her venturing off for one a her runs alone and him have that chance, ya know? Fuck. I gotta go, I'll tell the owner she won't be in. Take care a her, will ya please?"
"Course', I'll make sure she's taken care of. Don't worry, your friend is safe with me."
Tea percolated on the stove an hour after the incident occurred. The two hadn't had the chance to discuss the matter further since Lorna had fallen asleep on the sofa once Nicky had finished the phone call with her coworker. Nicky pressed a kiss to her head and let her rest for a good hour. When she observed the fluttering of Lorna's eyelids that was the time Nicky decided on preparing a kettle of tea for them both. The whistle on the top of it finally sounded and Nicky temporarily left the sofa to go fix a couple of cups of it. Knowing Lorna had preferred cream and sweetener in her coffee Nicky went ahead and assumed she felt the same way about tea so she poured the cream in the cup she set aside for Lorna, then added two teaspoons of sugar inside.
She used a tray to carry both full cups back into the living room with her. The one with added cream and sugar she handed to Lorna and the other she took for herself. After a quick sip of the tea Nicky placed her cup on the coffee table in front of the couch and then reclaimed the spot next to Lorna. She innately rewrapped her arm where it previously was around Lorna's waist and pulled her to lean back against her chest. "Have a good nap, kid?" Her lips rested onto the top of Lorna's head as she peered down at her in the utmost compassion.
Mouth perched from being thirsty Lorna graciously brought the cup of tea offered to her up to her lips and drew in nearly half of it in one go. Satisfied with the quench it provided her with, she mirrored Nicky's actions and set her mug on the coffee table beside the other one. "I did, thanks. I—erm, it was the most comfortable rest I've had in a while, hon. I've never been held by my ex the way you held me. It was real nice."
Nicky nodded and pulled Lorna closer to her immediately upon hearing her mention her ex. Air sucked heavily in through her nose and she gritted her teeth together when she felt some anger boiling its way up. The vision of Lorna's being body-slammed flashed through her mind as soon as Lorna brought up her ex and Nicky saw red. Lorna was so loving and kind-hearted—it made her sick to think anyone could even consider abusing her the way she witnessed Vinny earlier.
Fingers combed tenderly through strands of brown hair. "Speaking of your ex, kid, was the man who attacked you—was that your ex? I'm assuming so but I wanna know for sure. So I know exactly who to protect you from," she murmured, her cheek pressing softly against the side of Lorna's face.
Clearing her throat as a slight procrastination tactic Lorna fixed her eyes on Nicky's neck and placed one of her hands onto it, tracing her fingers around it in the shape of a heart. "Vinny. That was Vinny, my ex. He knows I'm the reason the drugs are in his apartment, that's why he was yelling at me. I'm sorry about that, hon."
Nicky shook her head and lied back against the couch pulling the smaller woman with her. She situated them so that their foreheads were resting against one another's. A loose strand of hair fell above Lorna's eyes and Nicky comfortingly pushed it away with her thumb. "You have nothing to apologize for, Lorna. I'm the one who does—you're in this situation because a me and I'm so fucking sorry. But I'm gonna protect you, okay? I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. Nobody's gonna lay another finger on you. I swear," she sternly assured, caressing her thumbs up and down each of Lorna's cheeks.
"It's not your fault, Nicky. I chose to get myself tangled up in this and I don't regret it. I want Vinny to get in trouble for this and I'll do whatever I can to make sure that happens. I can't let someone as sweet as you go to jail for someone else's wrongdoings. It ain't fair and I mean Vinny could benefit from time in prison. I don't like him. I hate him. I hate him so much, Nicky."
There was an anger seeping from Lorna's voice that Nicky never thought was possible for her. It made her curious to learn what all happened between Lorna and Vinny to cause Lorna to loathe him so much. Made her lean even more towards the possibility that Lorna was the product of an abusive relationship. She tightened her arms around her and stroked her lips softly over the tip of Lorna's nose. "Tell me about your relationship with him, yeah? Before the breakup. What was he like, kid? What did he do to make you hate him so much, huh? Did he hurt you like he hurt you today?" Nicky kept her voice soft hoping it would gently encourage Lorna to open up to her.
Lorna opened her mouth and took in a loud, shaky, breath. Tears were quick to form at the base of her eyelids but she fought hard to keep them inside. "I'd rather focus on you, hon. What happened today was just because he's mad at me for tryna get him in trouble is all, okay? You don't have to think too much into it, Nicky. S'all good."
Not even for a second did Nicky buy any of Lorna's response. Her head shook copiously while her teeth dug deeper into the flesh of her tongue. The tears she observed building at the bottom of Lorna's eyelids proved to Nicky she was covering up a painful past and Nicky refused to let her keep it in for any longer. "I've told ya my story, sweetheart, now it's your turn to tell me yours. C'mon, it's okay—you can be honest with me, let me be here for you like you've been for me, please? You've been so sweet to me and so comforting, I wanna be the same for you," she tenderly told her, tracing her fingers slowly up and down Lorna's paling cheeks.
Closing her eyes momentarily, Lorna felt her body tension rise and knew she couldn't retain the darkness forever. A sigh came out and she bit down on her lower lip. "I'm a lesbian, Nicky. I have been my whole life and—erm, the only reason I was with Vinny was to please my parents. I thought if I got in a relationship with him I could eventually learn to like being with men but I was wrong. I was so, so, wrong and I hate myself for ever being with Vinny." A pause had to be taken as the tears became too much, spilling over without warning.
Breath caught up in her throat and when it released itself a sniffle was what it turned into. Everything about being with Vinny was wrong—made her feel wrong. She felt more wrong for ever being with Vinny than she did of being a lesbian. "I—Vinny wasn't a good boyfriend. He wasn't nice after a while and-and I have the scars to prove it," she whispered so quietly it was hard to differentiate if she actually said it aloud or only in her mind. However, when she noticed the tender look Nicky was giving her Lorna realized it was indeed said out loud.
Nicky drew in her top lip when she felt her own breath wavering. "You've been living a lie for how long? How long were you with Vinny? How long did you live this charade, kid?"
"I-I don't know. A year? Maybe a little less. But enough to make me wanna beat myself for being so dumb and agreeing to go out with him even at all. I brought it all on myself—"
"Don't blame yourself, Lorna. Tell me what Vinny did to you, okay? You said you, er, you uh have scars?" Nicky stuttered over her words, looking Lorna worriedly over. Receiving a nod to her question she felt her heart dip into her stomach. "Can, can ya show me? Explain what happened?"
Not even Alex had been aware of the extent of the abuse Vinny bestowed upon her and Lorna wanted to keep it that way. However, now she couldn't go back to that. The can had already been opened and she had to give the information to Nicky. She closed her eyes and exhaled a slow breath before proceeding any further. Preparation needed done. Each scar reminded her of how worthless she was to Vinny. How worthless she was to her family if she chose to share with them her true sexual orientation.
Slowly, Lorna rolled up the sleeve of one of her arms and held it out in front of Nicky. "Vinny liked to put out his cigars on my arm whenever I refused to be intimate with him. Or if I chose my treadmill over spending time with him, another cigar needed put out."
Once again Nicky found herself battling a bout of fury. To combat the sensation, she put her focus on comforting Lorna. Bringing her closer to her body by taking Lorna's head in her hands and placing it onto her chest, face side down so that she could secure her chin on the top of her scalp. Fingers raked warmly through the strands of hair that spilled out of it. "Vinny burned you?" Her voice cracked as she asked for clarification purposes. Lorna's meek nod shattered Nicky's heart. Had her arms tighten around her small frame. "Oh, Lorna, I can't believe you had to put up with that. My god. Fucking Christ. You poor baby, no wonder you felt so comfortable in my arms—you've never been cuddled like this before have you?"
"I didn't want to be cuddled by Vinny or a man, anyway. It made me feel gross. And I uh I—there's more that's happened with Vinny, Nicky. Stuff that I didn't wanna do but he didn't er—he didn't really give me much of a choice and I feel so bad dumping all this on you, hon. Ya sure ya want me to tell ya?"
Rubbing her hand gently along the length of Lorna's back, Nicky nodded and nuzzled her chin against her head. "Don't feel bad, kid. I want you to open up to me. But you tell me if you're okay telling me about it, yeah? I don't want you to feel forced to talk to me if you're uncomfortable right now. I just—I want you to know I'm here and I'll help you the same way you've been helping me. And just so you know, sweetheart, you are in no way gross. Absolutely the farthest thing from gross is what you are." There sat a wad of saliva in her mouth making it a challenge to breathe properly Nicky swallowed forcibly down and continued the rubbing motion on Lorna's spine.
One breath in, two breaths out.
Eyes squeezed shut and Lorna swore she could feel her heart pounding its way right out of her own chest. "The day I told Vinny I wanted to breakup, he-he uh he made me have sex with him. I didn't want to but-but he gave me no choice, Nicky. I wanted to be a virgin until I met the right woman and-and Vinny, he-he made me have sex with him so now I'll never be good enough for any woman. Especially not a woman like you and, and, this might be erm too much information but I really like, er, like you, hon and I know I won't ever be good enough for you," sniffles and sobs halted her words and for that Lorna was grateful. She went too far, she should have kept all of that to herself but she couldn't hold it in any longer. If she did she had a feeling she would turn suicidal. Everything was building up around her and having it all locked up inside was making it hard to function in her every day life. It was either she started opening up to others or she found another way out—even if that way out happened to be something dangerous like taking her own life.
"Shh," Nicky murmured, lifting Lorna's head from her chest so that she could properly look her in the eyes. She leaned closer to her face and brushed her lips soothingly over Lorna's quivering ones. A kiss more for comfort than anything else. Lorna needed comfort most right now Nicky deemed. Lorna's lips continued to quiver and the sight caused Nicky's chest to tighten. She placed her thumb atop them, stroking it softly along each one. "Shh, shh. Take some breaths. In and out, kid. Just breathe with me," she soothed waiting for Lorna to do so.
Lorna abided and took breath after breath with Nicky but it didn't cease her lips from shaking. It didn't stop her eyes from producing tears. Didn't stop her mind from swarming with thoughts of how messed up she was for allowing herself to have sex with Vinny. No matter how many breaths she took it wouldn't make her whole again. She was damaged and had the scars to prove it.
Once Lorna appeared to be calm enough to return her stare Nicky used her fingers to caress lightly along the outline of her face. She nodded her head instinctively and felt the tightness in her chest loosen up a bit. "You didn't do anything bad or wrong, kid, okay? Sounds to me like Vinny raped you and he needs to pay for that—not just for that but for all the hurt he's caused you. The burns, the body-slamming—he needs to rot in prison for the resta of his life that piece of," Nicky stopped herself when she caught her voice getting too loud.
This wasn't about Vinny, wasn't about the anger she felt towards him or seeking revenge. No, she shook her head at herself, this was about Lorna and letting Lorna feel safe to open up to her. Let Lorna feel safe to allow her to comfort her. Nicky closed her eyes for a second and opened her mouth to suck in some much-needed air. As the air came in and flooded down her airway to her lungs she felt some of the anger release itself. Now was safe for her to continue speaking she nudged herself.
"You're more than good enough for anyone Lorna. You're a sweetheart—what happened with Vinny, that doesn't take away from how beautiful of a human you are. Fuck, kid," Nicky placed a hand on her chest to stop her racing heart. Her teeth slightly bit into her bottom lip as she leaned forward to press her forehead into Lorna's. "I really like you, too, and I hate that you think you're not good enough for me or anyone. That's simply not true at all. Not one bit. I think you're perfect and I wanna be here for you. I wanna care for you, protect you and shit."
The movement of Nicky's stomach was soothing against Lorna's body that was pressed up against it. Never had she felt as secure as she did lying there with Nicky. Never did Lorna imagine she would feel this way—she didn't think she could ever allow herself to be who she was born to be. She still hadn't been entirely certain yet if she was able to sustain this life but she wanted to try. Because she knew being with a man just to win her family's approval wasn't an option anymore and now that she had met Nicky, she didn't like the idea of leaving her behind and living a lonesome life like she had once believed she would have to live.
This was definitely a time when she needed a run the most. To avoid feeling these conflicting feelings. To avoid sharing these conflicting feelings with other people who she believed didn't need to bothered with said information. A heaviness settled into her abdomen and she didn't know what she could do to rid herself of it. Running wasn't an option and, from how comforted she felt lying in Nicky's embrace right then, Lorna wasn't sure she would do it even if it had been an option. She took pleasure in the warmth of Nicky, craved being that close to her for as long as was possible.
Guilt sank in and Lorna felt her heartrate begin to steadily increase each time she took in a breath.
The tension was noticed rather quickly by Nicky when she felt Lorna's breathing grow harder against her lips which were only centimeters away from Lorna's. Nicky nuzzled her nose softly against Lorna's and traced a thumb along the entirety of her forehead to hopefully calm her breathing back into a steadier rhythm. "What're you thinking? You're breathing heavy, what's going on in your head to make ya breathe this way huh?"
"I'm feeling things, hon, and I-I don't like feeling. I run every time I start getting too many feelings and I wanna run now but-but I also can't. And if I could run, I-I would rather stay laying here with you and that makes me feel shameful. I don't know if I feel shameful because I feel lazy for not running or because I really enjoy being close to you and I hate myself for being a lesbian and a disgrace to my family. I also feel like I told ya too much shit and I'm guilty for that but-but I know if I didn't talk about all this with someone I'd…er I'd feel like wanting to get rid of the pain another way. I don't know. I just wanna be numb. Running makes me numb and I like that. Vinny was annoyed with me for always running. So I ran more because of that and then I'd run more after he wiped his cigars on me. I run and I feel empty and that's what I want to feel forever is empty. Numb, empty, and nothing are the only feelings I want to have. That's why I run, Nicky. That's why I don't care to eat often because it keeps my stomach empty so I focus on that and don't have time or energy to worry about other feelings like how I am so fucking attracted to you and how much I hate Vinny. How much I hate your ex for what she's done to you. How much I hate myself for putting those stupid drugs in Vinny's stupid apartment instead of just flushing them down a toilet. Feelings are complicated and I want simple. I can't have feelings for you but I do and I'm not ashamed to like you at all—you're a special person, Nicky and I crave to be with you but I also know I'm doomed to an eternity in hell for wanting you. This is why I run and starve myself. It's easier, simpler. If I'm running so hard on an empty stomach all of my energy has to be on just tryna breathe so that I don't die."
Overwhelmed, shocked, heartbroken—those were the most dominant emotions coming to the surface after hearing Lorna's disheartening disclosure. Words could not be formed right away. All Nicky could do was embrace Lorna closer, tighter, softer. Press her front lovingly into the front of Lorna's body that had already been resting atop it. That wasn't at all what she expected to hear come from Lorna's precious mouth tonight—hell, there were numerous things Nicky found out today which she hadn't been expecting to. It only made her desire to protect and take care of Lorna even fiercer.
No one should have to be so afraid of feeling that they resorted to harmful behaviors such as over-exercising and starving themselves. Nicky couldn't even fully wrap her mind around everything. She let her lips rest warmly over the corner of Lorna's temple, shaking her head sadly while peering compassionately into her eyes. "I had no idea you've been struggling this bad, Lorna. I had no clue you've been using running as a form of self-punishment or starving yourself to feel empty. What made you turn to this? What made you crave feeling numb and empty, baby?"
Lorna closed her eyes and inhaled a breath. Shoulders rose up and locked themselves in place near the sides of her face. "It started when I realized I found women more interesting than men—when I er was in middle school. The bible said it was an abomination to be with a woman like a man so I tried to find a hobby to take my mind off of that and that kinda was when I started running. The starving just kinda followed. I-I didn't do it to be skinny or nothin', but I never got upset about the weight dropping as a result either."
Nicky nodded slowly, her arms engulfing Lorna to her. She held Lorna so close to her body she imagined the embrace had been powerful enough to shield Lorna from all the hatred in the world. Wished it was powerful enough to do that, anyway. But wishing wouldn't magically make such a thing true. She sighed and let her lips fall into a frown. "You're not an abomination for being the way you are, okay? I know that's probably what your family put in your head growing up but I promise that shit's nothing more than nonsense. Shit, Lorna, I'm so sorry you had to go through that and were made to feel like you had to numb yourself out just to get through life. That's not normal and it's not healthy. And now that you and I met, you will never have to feel that way again. I mean it. I'll be right here to help ya through this. Okay? I know what it's like to have an addiction to something—what it's like to crave numbness and I will do anything I can to help you stop this cycle. But that means ya gotta open up and talk about your feelings…all the shit you hate. It's hard, I know first hand but you can't continue starving yourself and running or you'll end up dying."
Running her fingers tenderly up and down both Lorna's cheeks, Nicky sighed and brought her lips up to give a comforting stroke over Lorna's. "You're not alone in this anymore, Lorna. All the shit you've gone through and kept to yourself, you don't have to do that anymore. I'm here for you and I'll be your support system from now on. But that means I'm not gonna let you use running as an excuse to not feel. You're allowed to feel things regardless of what was taught to you growing up. You're not a gross abomination just because you're gay. You're beautiful and sweet and you deserve good things. You deserve to feel loved, to feel safe and protected. To not be pressured into being someone you aren't or pressured into doing things you don't want."
A loose strand of hair caught Nicky's eye and she lovingly moved her thumb up to caress it out of the way with. "It's okay to want to be with me and to feel good being in my arms. That's nothing to be shameful of, sweetheart. Your body craves to be treated with tenderness and comfort, to be loved on by another human who wants you just as much right back. It's not wrong for us to be together, for us to lie here and cuddle each other. The only wrong person in all of this, kid, is Vinny. He violated you and abused your precious body. That is the definition of an abomination. Not you for being gay. An abomination is someone who finds it acceptable to cause harm to a person as gentle-hearted as you."
Her head shook when the memory flashed through again. Nicky gritted her teeth together and temporarily shifted her eyes up onto the ceiling. The only person who was deemed to an eternity in hell was that god-awful Vinny. Only when some of the fury fizzled away did Nicky finally reopen her eyes. "So, ya know what? Don't fucking feel guilty for planting the drugs in Vinny's apartment. That's the least he deserves after what he's fucking done to you, Lorna. And if he thinks he's gonna lay a hand on your sweet, precious, head he's got another thing coming. You have his number still?" Eyebrows quirked up inquisitively.
Lorna swallowed uneasily and gave a timid nod. "Why? I-I don't wanna talk to him—"
"No, no, no. Don't worry, kid, I wasn't implying that. I meant if ya have it I want it so I can call him and give him a piece of my mind. Let him know that if he wants to threaten you if the police come after him that I'll report the sexual assault he did to you to them—"
"No, Nicky. No. I don't want him tryna contact me more if ya call him on my phone or if you say that he might try to come after us both please don't…just please leave it alone."
Leave it alone? Leave it alone? Nicky shook her head at the repeating statement in her mind. She couldn't leave it alone. Something needed to be done. Vinny needed to pay for the pain he caused Lorna. It wasn't fair for him to get off when it was clear to her Lorna was continuously suffering the aftermath of his abusive nature. "Babe, I want his number so I can call him from my phone. You may not care to stand up for yourself but I sure as hell care to do that. You were hurt by him in a way no one should ever be fucking hurt. He fucking used your precious arm—your precious body as a damn ashtray. That is not okay and he needs to be reprimanded for what he did. I care about you and you deserve justice for your pain. It's okay if you're too scared to get that for yourself because you have me now and I will get justice for you. I'm not gonna do anything that will hurt you, please don't think that. I'm just gonna talk to Vinny and explain to him he can either shut the hell up and take what punishment he's given for the drugs—if the cops even get involved—or if he threatens to blame you, I'll remind him he can end up in prison for another reason. Okay? I swear I won't report the assault to the police if you don't want to…it's just to scare Vinny into shutting up, that's all."
A sigh made its way from Lorna's mouth. She rolled her head from one side of her neck to the other and then gave a reluctant nod. There wasn't anything she wanted more than for Vinny to be locked behind bars. That was the main driving force behind her decision to get involved with the drug thing in the first place. "Okay, fine. I do want him to be in jail…I just—I don't wanna have to explain to the cops what happened because they would just blame me for not being more assertive or something. But I like this plan betta. Just as long as he leaves me alone after this," she admitted, eyes shifting down onto the pattern of Nicky's shirt.
An identical sigh released itself from Nicky's throat immediately after hearing Lorna's reasoning for being rather resistive. She grabbed a tender hold of one of her hands and squeezed it softly in her own. "That wouldn't happen, doll. But we won't say anything if you're not comfortable. As long as you let me get you some form of justice, okay? You deserve the piece of mind. You shouldn't have to live in fear that he's gonna come for you one day. I promise I'm gonna be here and make sure no one ever takes advantage of you like that piece of shit did ever again."
"You're safe here with me and will be protected from hatred for the resta your life now. You'll be so loved and taken care of that you will never even think of resorting to harmful behaviors again. I swear to you. I won't let you resort to that kind of shit anymore, Lorna. It's not good for you and you don't fucking deserve that kinda treatment. You deserve to feel loved, secure, and cared for. And with me you will always experience those things because I have nothing other than adoration for you, baby."