Chapter 5: On the Rocket Sled

Back in her room, Monica was cuddled up with her two best girlfriends, sobbing into a pillow while clutching at her womb. Through the door, they could hear Ross and Joey still in the kitchen, their voices raised and carrying, clearly in the midst of a heated dispute.

Wrapping her arms tighter around Monica, Rachel worriedly bit her lip and glanced at the door. "What do you suppose they're arguing about?"

"Yeah, it's not like Joey did anything wrong," Phoebe nodded.

"You mean other than letting Chandler donate his sperm so he could knock me up?" Monica snorted bitterly. "That's almost one of the worst parts to all this: not only did Chandler do this, but Joey let him!"

"We don't know all of what Joey knew and when he knew it," Rachel pointed out.

Phoebe studied her. "Watergate wasn't good for your aura, was it?"

Rachel ignored her. "Chandler could have told Joey something untruthful about what you and he discussed, and…" She paused. "Did he really offer to give you his sperm? Chandler?"

Monica sniffled, lifting her face out of the pillow. Her eyes were bloodshot. "I thought he was drunk," she admitted. "Then, I figured he was just making a joke. But…. He was serious, Rache. He looked really concerned for me, and…" She shook her head. "It doesn't matter…."

"I think it does," Rachel smiled at her kindly. "If Chandler was willing to risk becoming a parent, even by removed means, to anyone's kid, well… I think it's obvious you would be his first choice to be the mother. Even then, there was no guarantee when he donated his sperm that you, and not some other random woman, would be given, much less select, his donor profile."

Monica pondered Rachel leerily. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying…. Don't you think this proves how much he loves you?"

"Love?" Monica's face collapsed in disgust. As if Chandler explaining himself by saying 'I did it for love, I did it for you' would make it right! "If Chandler really loved me, he wouldn't have gone behind my back like this!"

"But you still picked his donor profile," Phoebe pointed out. "You still made that choice."

"I wouldn't have made that choice if I had known it was his!"

"OK, we're splitting ethical hairs here," Rachel interrupted. "Mon:" She rubbed Monica's arms. "Do you love this baby?"

Monica stared at her and started to open her mouth.

"Forget for a minute that the baby is Chandler's. Forget how it came about."

"I…. I don't lo…."

"I'm not asking you if you love Chandler. I'm asking you if you love this baby."

Monica was quiet for a moment. She hugged herself, full lips pouting. Tears fell along her face anew. "Of course I do!" She moaned.

Rachel smiled sadly. "Enough to carry the baby to term, even though you know who its father is?"

Monica bit her lip. When she finally spoke, it was quiet. "When I came back around to looking at sperm donors, I went that route because it wouldn't involve getting a man just to get a baby," she murmured. "After Richard…. I realized I didn't need to involve a man, or involve myself with a man, just to get pregnant. I could be a parent on my own. I can, and I will." She sniffled.

"And how hard do you think that's going to be, with the daddy across the hall?" Rachel asked.

"Chandler took that choice away from me!" Monica growled. "It was my choice to have an anonymous donor, and he took that away from me!"

"But…. You chose his….

"WE KNOW, PHEEBS!" The other two chorused.

"The way I see it," Rachel pondered. "Now you're left with three choices: 1. You cut Chandler out of your life completely and take the baby somewhere else. 2. You try to co-exist with him here, raising your child here with him right across the hall so that things are supremely awkward, or 3. You and Chandler come together for the sake of the baby. Maybe…. You can find it in your heart to forgive him?" The fashion icon winced.

Monica stared at Rachel in dawning horror. "You're trying to set me up with Chandler," she accused.

"No, I'm saying that's one option…"

"An option you all would prefer!" Monica pointed a shaking finger at Rachel, eyes darting between her and Phoebe wildly. "You're playing matchmaker with us because you want to avoid any awkwardness!"

"Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…."

"Not now, Phoebe!" Groaning, Monica buried her face into her pillow. After a moment, she lifted it. "Option 4: I get an abortion now and go back to Square One."

Rachel stared at her. "You don't mean that. You've never believed in abortion."

"True, not for myself. I would never impose my preference on any other woman, though. It's meant to be a personal choice. That's what this whole sorry mess is about, right? Choices. And who gets to choose. I will never bear Chandler's child! Right now, that's what I choose!"

Rachel looked sad. "Is that really what you want? The baby isn't the one in the wrong here, Mon. And…. Maybe…" She looked to Phoebe for help.

"…. Maybe this is fate. The universe trying to tell you something," Phoebe finished. "You could have picked any sperm donor profile. You happened to pick the one that happened to be Chandler's. Who's to say you wouldn't have picked Joey's sperm, if you hadn't identified him?"

Monica let out a shaky, watery laugh. "Being pregnant with Joey's baby almost sounds worse than being pregnant with Chandler's!"

"Well, that hurts! And all after you gave me lemonade!"

The girls glanced up sharply to find Joey standing in the doorway, looking adorably wounded. Monica smiled wanly and beckoned him over. She kissed him on the cheek.

"I'm sorry…" Joey murmured.

"It's not your fault," she crooned.

"Isn't it, though? If I had never done that stupid study in the first place…"

"What if? What if? What if I hadn't selected your sperm donor profile for review?" Monica pointed out. So much had hinged, and still hinged, on the choices that had been made. Maybe…. Maybe Phoebe was right, in that regard.

Monica swallowed hard. She made another choice now.

"Joey: can you tell Chandler that I'm going to have his baby…. But that this doesn't change what's passed between us? I still don't want to have anything to do with him."

Joey nodded sadly. He trudged from the bedroom.

Chandler went into a despairing panic when Joey told him the news.

"So, that's it, then? Every time I exit my apartment, the mother of my child is going to tell my baby, 'Look, there goes the monster who gave you life by lying to me!'"

Joey sighed. "I'm sure Monica doesn't hate you enough that she'd do that."

Chandler sank into his BarcaLounger. "I've lost her, Joey! Lost her forever! And not just as a friend. As…." He shook his head. "Never mind."

Joey lifted an eyebrow, intrigued, but didn't press the point further, for now. "You need to get a grip," he told Chandler. "Christmas will be here before we know it, and we're all going to be over at Ross and Monica's parents', remember?"

Chandler studied Joey warily. "And I'm still invited?"

"For now, but maybe not for long."

"Monica will probably tell her parents about the baby then."

Joey shrugged. "Probably."

Four Weeks Later

It was a cramped and awkward affair, for the six friends now stuffed into Phoebe's grandmother's cab, driving through the snowy night to Long Island. Chandler was stuffed into the backseat with Joey, amazed and grateful that he hadn't been disinvited from this gathering at all. Monica had arranged it before everything had blown up, and perhaps…

He blanched. What if Monica had let him stay in this outing to humiliate him, once she announced her pregnancy? From the way she had refused to look at him once during this entire car ride, that may yet be a possibility. How would the Gellers react, when and if they learned he was the father? Chandler knew Monica's parents had never liked him very much. Even then, Jack Geller had always seemed like such a mild-mannered man, but after learning his only daughter was pregnant? All bets would be off, he supposed.

Christmas Dinner started off friendly enough. Chandler watched Monica helping her mother in the kitchen. She looked happy. She looked beautiful, starting to show.

During the main course, Monica finally turned to her parents. "Mom, Dad, I…. I have some news." She took a deep breath. Chandler and the other friends all looked at each other. "I'm pregnant."

Judy Geller gasped. "Oh! Oh, my gracious! Monica, dear, I…. I had no idea that you and Richard were back together!"

"It's not Richard's," Monica stated quickly. "And we haven't…." She took a breath. Started again. "I went to a sperm bank and selected a donor. The doctor inseminated me, and…." Monica shrugged, smiling weakly.

"An anonymous donor?" Jack peered at his daughter curiously. "You have no idea who the father is?"

Monica cringed. "Well…."

Chandler burst into awkward laughter. "Well…. This is a funny story…. You are gonna love this, Jack! Because you… of all people…." His voice trailed off, having expected Monica to leap in and start the humiliation by now. Launch the inquisition. Chandler could feel her looking at him, and he took a deep breath.

"Judy, Jack: there was a misunderstanding. Monica unknowingly chose my sperm donor file. Well, hold on - back up: first, she chose Joey's…"

"Joey's?" Jack frowned, glancing to the struggling actor. Joey smiled weakly.

"Yeah, but she figured out it was him! Joey had done this study with his… swimmers…. For NYU, and Monica chose his donor profile, except she read it, realized it was him, and rejected it. After that, I filled out my own donor form, submitted it…." Chandler breathed deeply again. "…. Even though I knew Monica had been considering donors ever since Ben was born. Even though I had…. Offered to help her, and she said No." He hung his head. "It was a whole misunderstanding, and… No. That's not the right word. This is my fault. I'm the one to blame."

Silence at the table. Chandler willed his gaze to Monica's. She was pondering him, stroking her swollen belly, her expression unreadable. Judy looked as though she was about to faint; she was fanning herself, mumbling on the edge of her breath.

"First the marijuana…. And now this…"

"The marijuana in college was me, Mom! That was me!" Ross blurted out. Chandler jerked, surprised that Ross would come to his defense on anything, even if not for the present debacle.

Jack was more pensive. He finally lifted his head. "Well, then. Chandler, I hope you understand what needs to happen now. For the sake of the baby, you and my daughter need to get married."

"Wh-What?" Monica whimpered, her voice barely above a whisper. Glancing between her father and Chandler, she began to chuckle in outrage. "No, no, no, no…. Not happening!"

"Monica," Judy sighed. "When you get pregnant, you get married…."

"Sure - in the 50s!" Monica spluttered with fury.

"A child deserves a mother and a father!"

"Wow, they must really be jazzed about Carol and Susan's situation, huh?" Joey muttered to Ross, not even bothering to keep his voice that low. Everyone ignored him.

"Oh my God, Mom! You seriously don't believe that? You can't possibly expect me to….!"

"I was talking to your Aunt Constance - you know, the one who lives in Connecticut? There's a friend she knows and works with in the DAR chapter there whose daughter went through a similar situation. Of course, not with a donor; it was a teenage pregnancy, very sad…."

"Mother, I'm not marrying Chandler! I would never be his wife!" Monica glared at Chandler with disdain. "I'd rather die!"

Chandler felt as though he had been punched in the stomach. She still hated him. Of course, he couldn't blame her. But her words now - that she would rather choose death than be with him, even for the sake of the baby - proved he had lost any chance or hope with her.

"Harmonica…." Jack placated, pleading. "Think of the optics. How is it going to look if….?"

"I don't care!" Monica screeched, glaring at them all. "I'm having this baby, and I'm going to raise it my way - alone!" She stared down Chandler as if the point hadn't been made clear enough to him already.

"No, Monica," Jack stated firmly. "There will be a wedding, and that's the end of it!"

Monica gaped at her father, horrorstruck. "But, Daddy…."

"The END of it!"

Chandler meekly raised his hand. "Um…. So are you going to insist that I propose, or…."

Monica's eyes flashed. "Don't you dare!"

Days later, Chandler found himself in a tuxedo that felt more like a straight jacket. Next to him, awkwardly, stood Joey, as Best Man for this wedding that was actually little more than a farce. Oh, what a circus! Ross was on hand as a groomsman; Phoebe and Rachel had been pressured into being bridesmaids; they had mostly agreed so they could be there to prop up Monica.

The wedding march began to play and Jack escorted his daughter into the courtroom. She was wearing a simple white dress, one that didn't conceal how she was clearly expecting, and Chandler felt a pang of anguish for her, that she was being made to do this.

Passed off to Chandler by her father, Monica stood before the man who was to be her husband. She looked at him, eyes cold.

The Justice of the Peace began: "Dearly beloved who are present…. We are gathered here today…."

"I object," Chandler cut him off.

Gasps went up, and Monica swiveled her head back from where she had been looking at Rachel and Phoebe to gawk at him. "What?"

Chandler stepped back. "I can't let you do this, Mon. I already took one choice away from you because I thought it would prove how much I love you and want you to be happy. Instead, I ruined your life. I refuse to take away another choice from you and ruin your life any further. I love you too much to allow that." He stepped back again, starting to retreat into the courtroom aisle. "You can hate me if you want, and I won't question why. That you're even carrying my baby to term is more than I deserve. Just….. tell our child the truth, and that I love him or her." He glanced around at them all, all his friends, the best he had ever had, knowing that this was goodbye. It would have to be. Poor Joey seemed to sense this, as he now looked near tears. Monica was gazing at Chandler as if she had never seen him before. And there was something else in her eyes, though Chandler struggled to put a finger on it: pain. Her lips moved silently, forming his name.

"Chandler…"

"Goodbye, Monica…." Chandler started to walk away. He would walk away, out of her life and all of their lives, including his child's, if he had to. If that's what it took to make her happy. It floored him to realize how sure his resolve was in this, for someone who had always been notorious for having commitment issues in many of his relationships. But this was different. Monica was different - always had been, from Janice or Kathy or even that Ginger gal with the artificial leg. Monica was different because she was carrying his child. And for the sake of the child, he'd give his life completely. For the sake of the child, to hell and back he'd go. For Monica's sake, he would do anything, even if it meant never seeing her again.

"Wait!"

Her voice was tear-choked and strangled. Chandler froze, glanced back over his shoulder. Monica was halfway down the aisle, staring at him with her big, blue eyes. Wordlessly, she held out her hand to him. Bemused, Chandler took it, and allowed her to lead him back up before the Justice of the Peace.

"Monica, do you take this man to be your husband?"

Monica looked at Chandler. Really looked at him. She touched his face. Peered into his eyes. "Yes, I do…." She affirmed quietly. Chandler almost gaped at her. He barely heard the Justice of the Peace asking him a similar question, and he said I Do almost perfunctorily.

Then, quite suddenly, Monica was cradling his face in her hands and she was kissing him, kissing him, and Chandler couldn't help but kiss her back.

The moment her lips touched his, Monica felt her whole body shudder. She let out a curious hum and allowed the kiss to deepen. Something akin to fireworks was going off in her head. It reminded her of what she had used to feel when kissing Richard. That she was now experiencing a similar sensation while kissing her best friend, for all his betrayal, frightened her, a little.

Chandler and Monica sensuously broke apart, the bride's fingers tangled in his hair. Monica now traced a finger over Chandler's kiss-swollen lips, her lashes fluttering, her eyes searching his curiously, shyly.

"You…. You know what's weird? This doesn't feel weird!" She ducked her head shyly. "You're, um…. You're a really good kisser…"

Chandler let out a boyish giggle. "Well, I have kissed more than four women."

His heart exalted when, for the first time in weeks, she actually smiled at him. Really, it was more of a smirk. "Wasn't exactly asking for a tally, Chandler."