Chapter 29

"How are we supposed to trust him again? He's betrayed us for money before." Much asked as Robin finished his pitch.

"How are we supposed to trust either of you again?" Will added quietly. John provided a quiet grunt of agreement.

"Djaq," Robin addressed the member he'd betrayed while ignoring the men. "Are you willing to stay?" She shook her head for a moment, opening her mouth as if she had an answer for him, but she knew she didn't know what she wanted so she shut it again without a word. "I know this is a lot to ask of you, so I'm asking what you want to do. Do you want to go or stay? And if you do want to stay, do you want me to stay or go? Do you want Allan to stay or go? What are your thoughts on this?"

She thought about it for a moment. On the one hand, she would have trouble trusting any of them ever again. They had turned on her without any proof beyond Marian's word. But then she thought more about it, remembering the events of yesterday. Will didn't turn on her, Much only believed the part of it that he likely already had his own suspicions about, John didn't seem to know what to believe, but he'd protected her when Robin went too far. It was mainly Robin's doing. He was the one who believed Marian over her, but only because he'd been in this situation before. Had Allan not done the same thing and actually been guilty of it, would he have still been so ready to ignore her claims of innocence? That didn't excuse what he did, but did it make his betrayal more understandable? And where did that leave Allan? Had it not been for his betrayal, for his sick fantasy that he indulged in, none of this would have happened. She'd already decided that she had no intention of staying under the condition that Robin, and possibly Allan as well, would have to leave in her place. If she decided she could no longer handle living with them, she wanted to be the one to walk away from it on her own terms. She didn't want to be the reason the rest of the gang fell apart.

On the other hand, she had always had trouble trusting anyone. That's just a natural consequence of the path her life had taken. It's hard to trust when you grow up in a battleground, when you see the worst of humanity on display day in and day out, when you've seen your family killed, when you've fought at war, when you've been captured as a slave, when you've witnessed the authority figures whose responsibility it is to maintain justice and peace being the ones to twist the law to their own ends and revel in cruelty everyday. It's why she originally chose to keep her true sex and name concealed, it's why it took her so long to lower her guard around the gang after she'd joined, because she found it hard to trust. Trusting was dangerous. Yet she learned to trust them before and she knew she could do so again. People make mistakes. She could never forget the way she was treated, especially by Robin, but she believed in second chances. Isn't that why she defended Allan so strongly in the first place? Isn't his return what she'd once wanted?

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "But I'm willing to stay...for now, at least."

"With both of us?" Robin asked. She nodded in agreement and he let out a sigh of relief.

"On a few conditions," she added. "One, you will never touch me like that again." He nodded vigorously and tried to interrupt but she continued over him. "Two, you will give all of us the benefit of the doubt. You will listen to us before you jump to conclusions. You will learn to trust us if you expect us to trust you. If you can't trust us, then we are not a gang and there is no point to me staying. And three, Allan, you will leave me, my name, and my likeness out of your relations with other women. And all of you," she glanced between Will and Allan, "will realize that I owe you nothing beyond loyalty and friendship."

"You have my word," Robin replied sincerely. Will and Allan quietly nodded, both a bit embarrassed, followed by Much and John's silent agreement.

"And I will not do anything to deliberately betray Guy unless someone's life is in danger. He saved us." Allan added. Much scoffed and John rolled his eyes, but Robin agreed.

"Just remember whose side you're on now." Robin replied. "Not harming Guy is one thing, but betraying us is another." Allan nodded, still unsure of how this would work. "And Will?" Robin asked. "Are you okay with this?"

Will thought about it for a moment. He couldn't say he was okay with any plan right now. He wasn't okay with Robin, but he wasn't okay with the idea of leaving with Djaq either. He had no idea if she would want him to follow her if she did leave. He wasn't even truly okay with the idea of Robin leaving, even though he'd pushed for it. It was still his gang, he was still the man who had saved his life and started this mission, so it felt wrong to strip him of everything over the mistakes of one bad day. He couldn't trust Allan and thought what he'd done was disgusting, but if he were honest, he'd missed him since he'd been gone. He didn't have an answer for Robin, so he just quietly nodded his agreement.

"That's settled then. We will at least try to be a gang again...and hope it works."

"Fine." Much said while eyeing Allan with some suspicion. "I suppose I'll get started on supper then."

"What are we having? Squirrel?" Allan asked with a smirk, trying desperately to slip back into his old banter with his former friend. It didn't have the effect he'd hoped for though because Much swung around with a pan in hand looking ready to hit him. "A joke." Allan said with hands thrown up. Much shook his head and turned back to his kitchen. "We all know it's rat," he muttered under his breath. Djaq couldn't help but giggle.

The evening was filled with uncomfortable silence, loaded glances between various members of the gang, and a few attempts to try to force things to go back to normal before any of them were ready. When Djaq decided to take a walk around sunset to have a moment of alone time to work through her opinion on what happened, Will followed.

"Djaq, can I talk to you for a minute?" Will asked as he approached from behind her.

She was a bit disappointed at the company, but more so because she wasn't sure how to act around him now. She knew she had unfairly taken her frustrations out on him and was probably a bit too harsh with him, but she felt it needed to be done. In truth, she had been harboring feelings for him and Allan for a long time and if she had found out that Will felt the same way only three days ago, she'd have been ecstatic. Now, it just made her feel confused and frightened.

"Yes," she answered, slowing her pace down to allow him to catch up.

"I just wanted to say...look, I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable and I certainly don't think you owe me anything, I just wanted to talk to you about what I said yesterday."

Of course you do...Djaq thought to herself. As if this couldn't get any harder. She looked up at him expectantly and silently urged him to continue. He could barely stand to look up from his feet as he walked alongside her.

"I never wanted you to find out like that." Will started. "I wanted to tell you...so many times, I wanted to tell you...but I was afraid of what would happen if you didn't feel the same way and I guess I was right to keep it to myself."

No, you weren't, Djaq thought. If you or Allan had just said something to me instead of to each other...No, he was right. What would have happened? We'd all live happily ever after in the forest? With one of them heartbroken and bitter and the rest of the gang viewing me as some man's woman? Stop dreaming.

"I know and I don't blame you for what Robin said or did."

"Are you sure there isn't any chance that you would reconsider…?"

"I am." She said with a certainty she did not feel. "Will, if I am being honest, the thought has occurred to me. With you, with Allan, with other men you've never even met...men from my past. I let myself feel some hope for a normal life and every time I come to the same conclusion: it will never work."

Will's eyes shot up to meet hers and he wondered if he heard correctly. "The thought has occured to me." She has thought of me that way. There is a chance. "How can you know it will never work?"

"I can't, but I'm not willing to take the risk."

"So you just want to be alone forever?"

"No, I want to be with my friends. For now. Maybe someday I can be more to someone, but I don't know if it will ever be possible. I used to think it was, but…" She shook her head.

"It is possible." Will insisted. "And I am willing to wait for you to realize that."

"Even if it is, I cannot guarantee that it will ever be you. You might be waiting for something that will never happen. And then I will feel guilty, as if I owe you, whether you think I do or not."

Will considered this for a moment and realized that though the last thing he would ever want is to see her in another man's arms, if it meant she were happy and realized she didn't have to be alone, he would support her no matter what. It would break his heart to lose her for good, but it would break his heart even more if she spent her whole life thinking that she had to be alone. And it would hurt him more than anything if she only chose to be with him out of some sense of obligation rather than truly returning his feelings.

"Even if it were Allan, or some man from your past, or some man in the future you haven't even met yet, I would still want you to be happy. No matter who you choose. I love you, Djaq. I can't help that. And now you know and I couldn't help that either. But no matter what happens or doesn't happen between us, you will always be my friend. I will always care about you. I want to see my friends happy." Will told her honestly. "And if you never want me to bring this up again, I won't. I just had to make sure you knew how I really felt. I don't think you owe me anything, but I wasn't confused when I said that I loved you either. I knew then and I still do. And if you would've left today, I would have wanted to go with you, if you let me."

"Thank you, Will." Djaq smiled sweetly at him. "That means more to me than you could ever know."

Before they turned to head back to camp, Will realized where following her had taken him. She had led him right to his memorial for his father and the light from the sunset was hitting it at just the right angle for Dan Scarlett's face to shine down on him. He wondered if it was a coincidence or if she walked this way regularly. He couldn't know, and Djaq had never told him, that it was no accident. Djaq loved walking by the memorial at sunset and admiring the result and evidence of Will's artistry, creativity, and sensitive soul. It reminded her of everything she loved about Will. Will took a moment to admire the face of his father, carved to the best of his ability, and said a little prayer that he would help him through this.

The day that he carved that, he had betrayed the gang himself and locked Djaq in a closet. If Robin and Djaq could forgive him for that, then he could forgive Robin for what he'd done. Allan had still been part of the gang when that happened and hadn't held it against him that he nearly caused the destruction of all of Nottingham, so he could find it within him to give Allan another chance too. It would be hard, but things were rarely simple in Nottingham. He knew all too well what dwelling on anger and vengeance could do and he swore after that day that he would handle things differently. Now he had to prove to himself that he could.

When they finally arrived back at camp after a mostly quiet walk filled with brief exchanges of small talk, they realized that Marian had snuck out of the castle under the cover of night to check to make sure that Allan's escape had gone according to plan. She was talking to Allan and Robin and checking on Allan's wound when they arrived, but she instantly jumped up to see Djaq as soon as she'd noticed her.

"Djaq," she'd started.

"Let me guess, you want to talk to me? Seems like everyone does today." Djaq muttered.

Marian bristled a bit at her tone, but brushed it off quickly. She has every right to be angry, she reminded herself. You're the one that has to apologize, not her.

"I came to make sure Allan got away safely and to let you know that everything went well on my end with Guy and the sheriff." Marian explained. "But yes, I did want to talk to you too. Djaq, I am so, so sorry for what happened. I know that it's my fault for jumping to conclusions instead of just confronting them as soon as I saw it and I should have never assumed that you would actually do that. It's just...she looked so much like you, I…"

"I know. I saw what she looked like." Djaq interrupted.

"I just wanted you to know that I was never angry with you and wasn't trying to get rid of you. I know that's what you thought…"

"I know that now." Djaq replied. "I am not angry with you, Marian. I am sorry too that I assumed the worst."

She wasn't sure how to explain why she'd felt that way. She'd been in this position before. She had been hated before without justification by women who were involved with men she was friends with out of some sense of jealousy, who had tried what they could to destroy the friendship between herself and the man in question. She had been hated and even feared unjustly by Christians for having a different faith and by the English for having a darker tone of skin, a foreign accent, and a different place of birth. She had seen firsthand just this morning that people will mistrust the intentions of a foreigner or a woman who doesn't act the way they think a woman should without really knowing her or understanding her motivations. She'd seen this happen over and over again throughout her life.

She had always gotten along fine with Marian before. Marian had saved her life the day that she'd been captured by the sheriff, she had saved Marian's life the day that Marian had been stabbed by Gisborne, and they had worked together with great success more times than she could count, but they'd never really been close. When Marian had joined the gang, she'd hoped to have a close female friend again for the first time in years, but it hadn't happened. Marian had mostly kept to herself or spoke mostly to Robin, usually in the form of an argument, while maintaining some distance toward the rest of them. Perhaps it was simply because she didn't know them as well or felt awkward as the newest member of the gang, but Djaq had noticed it and felt a bit hurt by it.

She couldn't fathom why Marian had told Robin that she saw what she saw, she only knew it wasn't true and had no idea that there was a reasonable explanation for why Marian believed it was. The only logical conclusion she could come up with was that it was concocted by Marian intentionally to hurt her or to have her removed from the gang. She wouldn't have wanted to believe Marian was capable of doing that to her, but she'd seen it happen so many times before. How could she suspect any differently? And how could she explain that now?

"You are not the one who needs to apologize, Djaq. I am. I made a mistake that never should have happened."

"And so did Allan and so did Robin. It happens." Djaq shrugged. "If I had seen a woman pretending to be you that looked that similar, I might have assumed the same thing."

"Don't give Allan any ideas." Marian whispered with a smirk.

"Hey!" Allan jumped in. "Look, I said I was sorry, alright? I know it was messed up. I'd go and apologize to Djaq again for the hundredth time but I think she's a bit tired of hearing it by now. She spent all night listening to me apologize."

"I am," Djaq agreed. "Let's just try to get back to normal."

"And I should get back to the castle before anyone notices I'm missing." Marian added. "Remember you two," she addressed Djaq and Allan, "stay out of Guy's sight, at least for now, and do not let the sheriff catch you, especially with Robin." She didn't have to add the risk it would put her in if Guy knew she had deliberately misled him. They were all very much aware.

"We'll be careful." Djaq promised.

"I always am." Allan lied.

"Good. I'm glad you're safe." Marian said with a small smile as she got on her horse to leave.

"You stay safe too." Robin told her quietly as he patted the back of her horse. "And by the way, I have to admit, I was wary about relying on Guy, but your plan worked. Good thinking."

"Now if only you would learn to have faith in my abilities more often." Marian smirked down at him before she started leading her horse back to town.

"Alright, lads. Get some rest. We have a busy day ahead of us tomorrow. We're going to empty the stores and make some deliveries before the sheriff takes his guards back to clear us out and then we'll have to get started on a new place to keep them. Djaq, Allan, you two will be staying out of Nottingham and Locksley for now and at least for tomorrow, I'll be going with you to make sure the people know that we're together and they can trust us all."

"My old bunk, just the way I left it…" Allan said as he plopped down. "Did Marian sleep here when she joined you lot?"

"Yes." Djaq replied. "Lucky for you she didn't decide to stay or else you'd be sleeping with your horse."

"What are we gonna do with him?" Allan asked. "We can't exactly return him if Guy thinks I ran away."

"We could keep him," Will suggested.

"We can barely feed ourselves and you expect us to be able to feed a horse?" Much asked.

"We could give him to one of the villagers." John said.

"We'll figure it out tomorrow." Robin said as he fed the tied up horse a carrot and made sure his water pail was full. "For tonight, he's our guest."

The outlaws knew the road ahead of them would be hard. Trust needed to be rebuilt, communication needed to be improved, and a new routine needed to be established, but it wasn't impossible. Allan comforted himself with the knowledge that he had finally found his way home again and even if he might never have Djaq in the way he wanted, at least he still had her back in his life. He still had people who cared about him on both sides of the law. Will comforted himself with the hope that maybe someday he would finally have the woman he dreamed about. Robin thanked God that he wasn't made to suffer the consequences of his actions to the full extent that he deserved and would be given another chance to prove his worth as a leader and a friend. Much and John were simply grateful that everything they had dedicated their lives to didn't disappear before their eyes.

Djaq laid down on her bunk, absolutely exhausted from the lack of sleep over the past two days. Camp didn't feel the same as it did when she woke up yesterday, but maybe it could still be home. Having a family wasn't about everything being perfect, it was about sticking together when it wasn't. She still didn't fully trust or forgive Robin, she didn't know if she ever could, but she was willing to give him a second chance. And now that Allan was back, her family was back together again. She could live with that. Should the day ever come when she felt she couldn't, she knew now that she would have the strength to leave. She wasn't still the same scared little girl mourning for her family that she once was; she wasn't a victim anymore. She would never allow herself to be reduced to that again, not by anyone.

She remembered how just yesterday morning she woke up believing that it would be just another ordinary day in Sherwood forest and was shocked to realize just how quickly everything could change and how wrong she was. There are no ordinary days in Sherwood. Friendships could be formed, remade, or fall apart, trust could be broken or rebuilt, lives could be saved or lost, and you never know how the day will end when you wake up in the morning, but you still get up and keep fighting for what is right. That's just how life is for a member of Robin Hood's gang.