Chapter 6: Dr. Blond Bitch, MD
Author´s note: Writing is a curious thing. When I planned out this fic, this chapter was going to be completely different from what I actually wrote. Turns out, my original plans made absolutely no sense after the last two chapters, which I changed just slightly from the original plan writing spur of the moment. As it stands right now, my original idea for chapter 6 isn´t going to be introduced until chapter 8 at the bare minimum.
The softness of the pillow caressed her back as mild sunlight kissed her skin. December was always cold in South Park, but her house was warm. She felt as if inside a bear, if his insides were made of velvet. This was the best night of sleep Wendy has had in years, maybe decades. The fog of unreality took ages to dissipate today, as if was a sentient thing refusing to let her go.
But it did end, as it always does. At the edge of the fog, she saw Eric laying next to her. Yesterday felt like mostly a blur, each memory foggy and unreliable, clouded by her body´s refusal to cooperate that led her to Hell´s pass. It was only now that she finally looked at her husband´s damaged physique. Various small cuts across his face, stitched by medical professionals. A cast covering his left arm, but leaving his hand free.
She ran her hands through his hair, rubbing her thumb softly against the biggest scar above the right temple.
It wasn´t the first time. Not by a long shot. Eric Cartman has gotten into more scrapes than he cared to remember, both resulting from his employment and ones he acquired outside of it. God willing, it wouldn´t be the last either. She would have plenty of time to patch him up after a scuffle until he was physically unable to get himself into trouble anymore.
Still, she remembered him crying. Couldn´t get his desperate sobs out of her head, as the same phrase repeated itself multiple times on her head
"I thought I was losing you" He had said.
She just laid her head on his chest and listened to his heart beat. Concerned for her husband, concerned for herself, but somewhat grateful. That beating heart reassured her ears of the most important thing about this whole ordeal
"We´re still here. We´re not going anywhere" She whispered, hoping Eric would hear her in his dreams.
The quiet comfort of her bedroom was then invaded by a blond woman.
Bebe McCormick, nee Stevens lived a happy life. Six children, medical degree, successful television show, immortality… all a woman could ask for.
Ah, yes, it came quite as a surprise for her when, at age 17 she died beside her boyfriend Kenny when a heard of demon possessed cows trampled them during one of their dates. And even more of a surprise when she woke up in her own bed the next morning and no one, not even her parents could recall her demise. Only Kenny. It was then she learned that Kenny´s immortality behaved like an STD. It was also inheritable, meaning all of her kids were immortal too.
Wendy, looking at her, wondered if she didn´t age either, because at 44 she still looked no older than 30, not unlike her husband.
"Good 'morning'" she said, doing air quotation marks on 'morning'. "How are you feeling?"
"Like you must feel when you come back after dying" Wendy said
"Oh, trust me, it´s nothing like that. Unless you feel like you went through all of puberty in the space of 20 minutes, it´s nothing like that." Bebe explained "you both gave us quite a scare. Kyle called us last night explaining everything. He thought we´d rather hear it from him than from CNN"
"CNN? What?" Wendy asked
Bebe simply turned on the TV
"…yesterday during a town hall budget discussion. Anonymous sources say Mayor Testaburger fainted during an angry tirade at a councilmember for spending the town´s budget frivolously. This development comes after rumors that Testaburger, mayor of South Park, the most controversial town in America, has been diagnosed with breast cancer"
The voice on TV spoke on and on about the events that transpired as images of her entering the hospital on a gurney.
"Oh God…" Wendy said, putting her head in her hands
"It gets worse" Bebe said
"Shortly after her arrival, her husband Eric Cartman arrived at the hospital severely injured and being driven by a Marijuana delivery truck. He then proceeded to yell profanities at everyone in sight, demanding to see his wife and refusing to receive medical attention".
The image on the screen displaying Cartman with his clothes torn, bleeding profusely and his arms broken fighting off hospital staff
"*bleep* you asshole! Where the *bleep* is my wife?" He yelled as the news continued
"Witnesses say Cartman only relented and accepted treatment after hearing from an unidentified man on the hospital that his wife was stable. In other news, a stash of unmarked weapons was discovered outside of Brussels…"
Bebe turned the TV off.
"It´s on every channel." Bebe said
"Oh God, what do I do?" Wendy asked
"Nothing. Neither you or Cartman are leaving this house for a week. Everyone is going to come here periodically and make sure both of you are either in bed or on the couch, you understand me?"
"Bebe, you don´t understand! I have to fix this right now!" Wendy pleaded
"No. What you don´t understand is Butters sugarcoated the information about your health to get you home so you could rest. He was mostly right; this was stress related. However, the cancer is taking a toll on your body and it shut down because it didn´t have enough energy to both fight the cancer and keep up with your angry tirade" She said to Wendy. "I´ve called your doctor. She´s gonna send your exams to me as soon as she gets them and we´ll talk strategies"
"And you" She pointed at Cartman, who was obviously awake but trying to pretend he was asleep to avoid getting scolded
"You don´t understand jack shit about biology, so I´m going to explain this mathematically: considering the very low probability of surviving the accident you just did, I can personally guarantee you: the next time you do something like this YOU. ARE GOING. TO DIE." Bebe said, very seriously and emphatically.
"I know" Cartman said, feeling guilty
"Good. Now, neither of you is moving a muscle. Butters is picking up Emily and Billy at the bus station and Kenny is downstairs doing something or other on your smoker for dinner. I´m gonna cook some sides" Bebe said, moving towards the door
"Dinner? We just woke up" Wendy said
"Oh, didn´t I tell you? It´s 3 p.m. already. You two slept for 15 hours straight."
"Oh, shit" Cartman said
"They saw you on the news and took the first plane they could catch to Denver and then a bus here. I´m going downstairs to help Kenny"
She exited the room.
Cartman took a good second pondering what to say next. It crossed his mind for a few seconds to make a joke or change the subject, but instead…
"I´m sorry. I was an idiot, I panicked and I almost got myself killed in the process. I should have…" He was cut off by his wife embracing him
She just held him as tight as her health allowed her for a good while before she spoke
"Listen to me. I´m scarred too. I´m terrified. I´m trying so hard, every waking moment not to think about dying or about what´s gonna happen to me, but we can´t panic like this anymore, okay?"
"Yes, I know, I was an idiot" Cartman answered
"No, you weren´t. You were Eric Cartman, the man I married. You did exactly what I always knew you would do in a situation like this. I´m just asking you, please, keep yourself together. One of us needs to stay in one piece in the middle of this, alright?" She asked, looking very seriously into his eyes
"I´m gonna need you to promise me something. And I want you to swear to me. No matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, even if I´m at death´s door, you´re not putting yourself into this situation" Wendy pleaded. "Even if I´m in my last minute on this earth, you are going to go through it calmly and safely, alright?"
Cartman looked into his wife eyes, fighting back tears. He too, was doing everything in his power not to think about that possibility, even though he knew it wouldn´t work forever. Sure, Wendy might get cured from the cancer, but she will, one day, die. And unless he goes first, he´s going to have to face that possibility eventually.
The only problem is, he spent the last 28 years with her working on the assumption that he would very likely die first.
Be it heart failure, be it a stupid decision causing an accident, be it an "occupational hazard", he always assumed he´d be the first of the two to bite the dust.
And what a happy notion it was, to delude himself into thinking he would never know a world where she was gone.
Yes. Even after all the growing up he´s done over the years, he was still selfish like that.
That illusion was now over. But Cartman would fight to his last breath to restore it if need be.
So, he did the one thing he knew how to do best. He lied.
"I promise" He said.
Still. There wasn´t a thing on this world he wouldn´t do to keep her from dying.
And she knew he was lying. She just couldn´t bring herself to ask for what he could not give.
"Good" she said. "Now, we better get downstair to check if those two are still alive"
It was always a coin flip with those two. As soon as Cartman and Wendy exited into the backyard, Kenny slipped into a log that was behind him and let the knife he was holding fly right into his wife´s chest.
"OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED BEBE!" Said Wendy
Just that moment, Kyle called Cartman
"Put me on speaker" Kyle said "YOU BASTARD!" He said, hanging up.
"Oh! Sorry honey" Kenny said
"It´s okay" Bebe said, in her dying breath.
"I´m just gonna move the corpse to a corner" Cartman said
"What part of 'sit your ass on that couch' did you not understand, dude?" Kenny said
"But Kenny" Cartman said
"But nothing. I disposed of her body more times than I care to remember. Go sit your ass on that couch, play some Mortal Kombat and eat chips" Kenny interrupted him
"But…"
"But nothing. I bounce back, you don´t. Couch. NOW!" Kenny ordered
"Damn it" Cartman said, complying.
"You, lay down on the bigger couch and watch stupid things on tik tok" Kenny told Wendy
"Oh, come on!" Wendy protested
"NOW!" Kenny ordered
"Okay, okay, Jesus Christ!" Wendy obliged, very much annoyed.
Thus, ended what would later be known as "International Murphy´s Law Week" and thus commenced what would be referred to in the future as "The Week That The Cartmans Stood Still"
It took maybe half an hour for the Cartman kids to show up at the house accompanied by a very nervous Butters, who spent most of the time quiet and avoiding conversation before leaving.
Now, Emily was in all ways, a Cartman. Cartmans had sort of an unspoken rule about their physiology: They were either fat men (Eric) or drop-dead gorgeous women with smoking hot bodies (Lianne). Emily managed to look stunningly similar to her grandmother, but with her father´s personality and "sunny disposition" to boot. Yet, all could see a hint of Wendy, specially in her eyes. Those sparkling eyes that seemed to pierce through all forms of bullshit others (mainly Eric) could spew.
Billy, on the other hand, was the opposite to his sister. He looked like a male version of Wendy, save for his nose and brown hairs, which reminded everyone who his father was. He was, however, very calm and collected, often speaking very firmly if somewhat quietly. He avoided cursing if ever possible and never raised his voice, even if very angry. He usually resorted to low volume seething. All of those characteristics led to his sister referring to him affectionately as "the nerd".
As soon as the Emily and Billy left their luggage in their old bedrooms, Emily proceeded to scold both her parents.
"What the hell is wrong with you two?! Are you trying to make us orphans?" Emily said, as Kenny walked into the kitchen with some of the meat he was cooking. "Oh, please sir, may I have some more?" She said, affecting a mocking cockney accent.
"What Emily is trying to say is, you need to take things a little easier from now on" Ben said
"Shut up, nerd! I´m saying that you two are dumbasses!" Emily said, doing her best not to scream her lungs out "What were you thinking driving like that?"
"Yes, that´s a good Emily" Cartman said, trying to pet his daughter´s hair from the dad chair
"Don't pull the fucking 'daddy´s girl' routine with me, dad" Emily said, swatting her father´s hand away
"We´re staying with you two until January. Marge and Ben are going to talk to our professors this week before they come back home." Ben said, sitting by his mother
"We´re gonna do everything around here. You two are gonna be at all times sitting on your asses or laying down, get it?" Emily said, being very serious.
"But honey, we gotta fix this whole mess with the press" Wendy said
"Yeah, and I have to talk to Langley about stuff, I just bolted out of an interrogation room. I have to tell them something" Cartman pleaded
"Both taken care of. Uncle Kyle is doing stuff at city hall and Ben called Langley" Emily said
"'YOU GUYS! I totally crashed my car, like, really lame, you guys. I gotta stay on bed rest for a week, you guys. Totally weak'. Or something, I don´t remember exactly what I said" Ben said, imitating his father's voice perfectly "Oh, and apparently, agadoo has cracked the Pakistani egg and the party has started on Brussels. I don´t wanna know what that means. Point is, you have the week of"
It meant the Pakistani guy talked and the weapons are in Brussels
"You impersonated your father to the CIA?" Wendy said, making a conscious effort to keep her heart rate down as she did so
"That´s like, a federal crime! And a national security issue!" Cartman said
"We learned from the best." Emily said, pointing at her father. "Now, if you´ll excuse me… UNCLE KENNY!" She said, switching instantly to a cutesy voice, proceeding to hug Kenny
"EMILY! How´s my favorite goddaughter?" Kenny said, returning the hug
"I´m your only goddaughter, uncle Kenny" Emily answered, breaking the hug
"Where´s aunt Bebe?" Billy asked
"Oh, she´s dead. Right there in the backyard" Kenny answered
"And it´s not my fault this time!" Emily said, cheering
In her 24 years of life, Emily Cartman has gotten her godparents killed 372 times. 257 of which happened between the ages 5 and 15.
"Well, you got two months to make an even 400 deaths" Billy joked
"Shut up nerd!" Emily said.
It was, all things considered, a nice and quiet day. They ate smoked brisket for dinner, Emily, Eric and Kenny drank a small number of beers (under the very watchful eye of Billy, who kept his sister from going out to buy more), Wendy spent the whole ordeal laying on the couch or sitting on the kitchen table…
Emily managed to make death n. 373 happen while trying to put out the smoker fire the wrong way and Kenny burned to death ("YOU BASTARD!" said Kyle over a phone call).
It was a very hard week, for both Cartman and Wendy.
As much as Cartman loves sitting on his ass and eating chips (his second favorite activity, surpassed only by having sex with Wendy), he learned very quickly that week that this sort of thing is only fun when you have to other, less awesome, aspects of your life to compare it to.
Wendy, on the other hand, loathed every minute of it. She spent 44 years (going 45 in two months) being as active as possible, both mentally and physically. Nothing about the whole ordeal caused her more grief than having Kyle deal with the press instead of her. As much as she hated the press, she wanted HER to fix the whole thing, not Kyle!
It wasn´t until Thursday that Bebe walked into the house with Wendy´s exam results
"Well, I´ve talked to your doctor and I have good and bad news" Bebe said to the two of them.
"Good news first" Wendy answered
"There are currently no signs of metastasis." Bebe said
"English, please!" Eric interjected
"It doesn´t look like your cancer has spread"
"YEAH! FUCK YEAH!" Cartman said, cheering "Nya nya nya nya nya! You´re not gonna kill my wiiiife" He mocked, pointing at Wendy´s boobs. She slapped his hand away
"Well, I´d hold my horses on that. I said there are no SIGNS of spreading. However…" Bebe said, taking a very long pause "Your tumor is big enough that we can´t rule it out just yet."
Cartman deflated from his previous cheering.
As for Wendy, it was like she was just ran over by a pack of turkeys. 'it could be spreading' she thought. 'this thing might kill me', her mind seem to repeat over and over.
It´s true what they say. When you are confronted with death, life flashes before your eyes. 44 years just sped through Wendy´s mind in a fraction of a second.
4th grade, flag debate, kicking Cartman´s ass…
Freshman year, the first time she drank, the first time Bebe died in her arms
Senior year, breaking up with Stan, beginning to date Cartman…
Graduating college, her wedding, giving birth to Emily, giving birth to Billy, getting elected mayor, her mother´s death, that one time she and Cartman tried Greek food on a trip to New York, the many road trips to Denver, the first time she picked Emily up at a police station…
Everything speeding through her mind, leading up to this moment
"We took the liberty of scheduling your first session of chemotherapy. It´s on December 22nd." Bebe said
It took Wendy a few seconds, before she could respond
"Okay…" She said "I´m just gonna… yeah. That sounds good"
All of that said, in a monotone.
Phase two: Blond Bitch Squad – Completed.
Phase three: Chemo/radio/whateverthefucktheyhave – Cleared for commencing.