A/N: A long time ago, I said that if I returned to the Smash Fandom, it would be to chronicle Koga and Tea's endeavors in recruiting the entire roster. This is the spiritual successor of that idea. We'll see where this goes, but I have a solid roadmap for how it will unfold.
That being said, let's get this started.
Before anything and anyone, only one was known as the Master Hand—an all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-watching. Master Hand had it all.
Yet it was bored to no end.
"This omnipotence bores me. Whatever may I do to alleviate this monotonous existence?"
Master Hand snapped its fingers, and a circle cycling through various worlds and realities spawned. Through this, he saw the Mushroom Kingdom, the Kongo Jungle, Hyrule in the Era of Time, Planet Zebes, The Super Happy Tree, Pop Star, Sector Z, and The Region of Kanto. After seeing these worlds, Master Hand had an idea.
Gather the world's most powerful heroes in one place and have them fight each other and occasionally himself for his sole amusement. With a snap of his fingers, the blank slate he resided in dissipated, and the collective realities collided and combined into one giant world. Master Hand was pleased with himself despite the little effort it took to combine the worlds together. This event will be treated with the grandiose importance it deserves. With a snap of his fingers, he created eight envelopes and letters inviting these heroes to battle in this newly merged world. Each had an insignia of the most well-known entity of each planet as a seal. He then created four more envelopes, each with a question mark on the seal.
The plan was perfect! Well, it's almost perfect.
"Now, how do I give these invitations to these heroes?"
Undoubtedly, the heroes in question wouldn't understand the greatness that would float before them if Master Hand gave the invitations. No, it would need a messenger, an errand boy, or a girl. Or both if it was honest with itself. Master Hand looked back at the circle that cycled through the worlds and saw a different version of Hyrule from the Era of Twilight. He saw a woman and a man who looked similar, indicating they must be twins.
"They'll do more than nicely."
With the plan finally cemented, Master Hand bided his time to see the potential of his potential servants.
Ahh, it's collection day.
My third favorite day of the year is next to the Winter Festival and my birthday. The day my clients decided to give me the rupees, I sent them back to me with the discussed interest - a relatively simple concept. Mostly, they pay me on time because of my professionalism and background. (I'm from Kakariko Village) If only it were that simple in execution every time. Instead of reimbursing the money, some decided to try to bolt out of Castle Town or, even worse for them, confront me personally and physically like this dumbass before me.
"Chai... Pl-pl-please have merc-"
This idiot tried to get out before I thrust my boot into his face. I already have his wallet, so I must check to see how much is in here. He gave me quite the run-around and challenged me to a fistfight after I cornered him in an ally on the city's South side. Wanting to blow off some steam, I accepted before putting the fear of the Creator Goddesses into him. I roughed him up badly. There are so many bruises on his person you'd think he had a skin deformity. His breathing became dilapidated after I punched him precisely in the lung, and my kick gave him bloodied his nose. I'm honestly surprised he's still conscious.
"For a well-known politician, you're not very smart. Clearly, you didn't read the fine print in the contract you signed. I always collect what I'm owed when collection day comes, considering I have a perfect record to uphold."
"What are you talking about, Chai?"
Tara 'Chai Tea' the Imp:
Yup, that's me! Tara is the name, but my friends call me Chai, Tea, or Chai Tea. (which is just Tea twice, but I don't judge) I was raised in Kakariko Village alongside my older, less cool twin brother, Koga. After turning eighteen, we left Kakariko to see the world and co-founded the Tribal Detective Agency. We helped Link and Midna save the day. Being PI for seven years, I struck out independently and became a Loan Provider. Some call me a Shark, but they're just mad that I came up with the idea first.
"What I'm talking about is the fact that every single one of my contracts has the signature of the Big Lady Upstairs."
His eyes (or eye, with one so swollen that it can't even be opened) widened. "You mean to tell me-"
"That's right. Princess Zelda's signature is on the contract you signed when I decided to lend you the rupees to fund your campaign to join her court. So you're committing a crime in ducking and not paying me. You should be grateful I found you since paying me is much safer. Or would you rather be someone's boyfriend in the cells?"
I open his wallet to see what's in here, and man. There's nothing but Purples (50 Rupees) and Oranges (100 Rupees) here. I see a couple of Silvers in here, too (200 Rupees). This is more than enough to cover the loan. I grab this diigis (idiot) by his shirt collar, and he winces instinctively.
"You had the money this whole time!? Why didn't you pay me instead of making the dumbass decision to pick a fight?"
And this guy's response, I swore, made me lose a few IQ points. "I-I thought I could take you because you're a country bumpkin. You're from Kakariko, so I thought I beat you and escaped Castle Town without paying."
My grip on his shirt tightens as I fight not to deck him again. "You moron! I'm a Kakariko native, not a civilian! I'm from the Imp Tribe! Z (Zelda) clarified that when she addressed the trade route to Kakariko. Did you not pay attention!?"
All the guy could get out was a moan in pain as he slowly faded out of consciousness. Letting him go, he hits the ground as I leave the alley where we squared off. (or, in this case, me getting an impromptu Shadow Boxing workout in) When I get to the main road, I catch the attention of one of the Castle Guards.
"Get that idiot to the Medical Tents before he dies of a blood clot!"
"Boys! The Sand Shark claimed another victim; let's go!"
He called for his platoon as I returned to my office. Sand Shark has been my moniker since I became a Loaner. An Imp like myself goes through three stages of maturity. The first happens at thirteen; we undergo a ritual that grants us an elemental power. I experienced the ritual and was gifted the element of Sand. Chief says the element Din chose was done in correlation to our personalities, but I think that shit is completely random. At sixteen, you choose between a ritual that either upgrades your powers or grants you one of the sixteen Masks my tribe guards. I chose the former. As a result, I have complete control over my element, and I was gifted the element of Fire. The last stage happens at eighteen, where you get a choice. Either stay in Kakariko and get more involved in the Tribe's dealings or leave Kakariko Village to travel the world, get away from your brethren, or any other reason you can possibly think of. I already mentioned my brother, and I chose to leave. We can go back if we want, but we can't make a permanent residence there, at least on the grounds of our Tribe.
There's also one thing I got that most of my brethren don't have: a Legendary Artifact. You see, only through helping the Tribe through a dark period or helping avoid a grand calamity will you be allowed to take a Legendary Artifact my people also guard. I unearthed a conspiracy that some of the elders were planning to assassinate the leader of the Tribe and exposed them. So I was allowed to take a Legendary Artifact, and the Golden Gauntlets was what I picked.
"Is that the last of them?" Tael, my Fairy Companion, asked as he swirled out of my jumpsuit.
"Yup. All we have to do is head back to the office and give the summed-up rupees to Mary. Afterward, I might bug Koga. But for now, business beckons."
"Alright, Z. What's the problem? Why'd you call me here so suddenly?"
I already closed a case and was looking for something to do, but don't tell Z that.
"I just wanted to see if you are okay. I do feel responsible for you after the ordeal with Ganondorf."
"I understand Chai and I are orphans, Z, but we don't need a mother figure - especially one younger than us."
When we all sent Ganondorf to the afterlife, he gave me a parting gift. That wound from the Sword of Sages resulted in me needing stitches imbued with magic from the Province Spirits to stop the pain. Because of that, Z has all but inserted herself into my and Chai's lives. Not to say we don't like her. Z's a good friend of ours and has been since we stopped Zant and the malicious ginger.
"In all seriousness. I requested your presence because I have an announcement to make. You have done such a fine job regarding your investigative work that I decided to extend that work to the court. The court will officially gain a PI. All we have to do now is figure out who will take the position. And I want you to take it."
"All due respect Z. But I have to decline."
"What? Why?"
"Why? 'Cause we don't want to answer to someone. Why do you think we left Kakariko?" Tatl chimes in.
"Tatl could've said that more kindly, but she's right. I don't like having a superior in my line of work. Even if it is someone with my best interests, like you."
"What of your first partner after Chai left the agency? What was her name again?"
"Ayumi? She went back home to finish school. Despite being an investigative prodigy, she's only fifteen years old."
"I see. Are you sure you don't want this position, Koga?"
Koga the Imp:
Hey there. I'm Koga, the older twin between myself and Chai. After she left the Agency to become a Loan Shark (she says Loaner, but it's Sharking), I initially gained a new partner in Ayumi Tachibana. However, she left to finish school. So now, I only have myself and Tatl as a regular company if I don't have any active cases. Chai told you we're from Kakariko and are of the Imp Tribe. Kakariko has many Tribes, but as of this generation, we're short one as the Sheikah are officially extinct. Despite still living in Hyrule, I've been asked to solve cases worldwide. Doing so has earned me the unofficial moniker "World's Greatest Detective."
"I'm positive, Z. Though I appreciate you looking out for me."
"Besides, I think I speak for my partner and myself when I say: we refuse to be bootlickers to anyone in the court. Yourself included, Your Majesty," Tatl once again chimed.
"I see. A shame, but I cannot blame you."
"We'll talk later, Z."
I bow at the Princess of Hyrule. With a soft smile, she gives me a hug that I hesitate but don't refuse as the Royal Guards look on. I turn and leave the castle before taking a deep breath.
"You should have taken the position, Detective," a voice speaks out.
"Hawk, you don't understand the Hyrule Court in this Era. They're not as forward-thinking as Hyrule in your time."
Koga the Hawk, or Hawk, to not confuse me, is one of my previous incarnations. In fact, he's my first. When I underwent the Mask Ritual and gained the Mask of Truth, the first time I put it on, I looked at my reflection in the mirror and saw myself as usual. But I also saw two other versions of myself too. And even with the Mask of Truth off, their presence persists.
As if Tatl wasn't annoying enough. On further investigation, I realized that putting on the Mask of Truth unlocked memories of my past lives and gave me a glimpse into my future too. Knowing that I will be reincarnated makes me feel uneasiness that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
"Then you could pioneer that forward-thinking. You already got Z's approval of strongarming the others is something she'd pay no mind to."
"As amusing as that image is, I go out of my way to avoid politics. I'll stick with what I know and who I know. Chieftain doesn't bug me about my personal as you do, Hawk."
"That's 'cause Chieftain bugs you about other aspects of your life."
"This conversation is over, Hawk. Respect my boundaries, or I'll start ignoring you."
Hawk scoffs as I see Chai. She runs up to me. "Hey, Shinaaí. (Older Brother) What did Z want you for?"
"Just to offer me a position as the court's PI. I declined."
"Why? If anything, you'd answer to her directly instead of the other court members."
"I'm not taking that risk or taking orders from anyone. Even from someone who saved my life."
I noticed the Rupee Wallet that wasn't hers hanging on her hip. "Collection day?"
"Yeah, I just got the last of it. Some diigis thought he could take me in a fight after I cornered him in an alley. I got the money and let some anger out," she said happily. "What will you do now that you're free of Z's chains?"
"You seriously got to word it like that? I don't know, maybe do some paperwork? What did you have in mind?"
"I was thinkin' of heading to Telma's and getting shitfaced. It isn't as fun when I have you with me."
"Yeah, because I ensure you don't get alcohol poisoning."
"Exactly. You could use a shot or two yourself. You in?"
"Sure."
"Yes! Lemme go to my office and give the collections to Mary. Then we can head down there."
As much as I would like to say the trek to Chai's office was as straightforward as we made it out to be, it was anything but. It started with us noticing that the area where her office is was strangely devoid of people.
"Huh, the residents of the area went home already?"
Neared the office, we noticed large parts of the street missing, as if it had been completely erased.
"I don't recall that giant hole bein' there last time."
The world around us was unraveling in one fell swoop, everything peeling away and flying like birds. Before we knew it, we were standing on what could be summed up as a blank canvas - nothing but white as far as the eye could see.
"Welcome, my Champions." A voice boomed, but we couldn't see where it originated. And that's when we saw it.
A giant white glove, descending as if he was some divine being.
"I don't know what the hell you are, but you better send us back home!" Chai demanded.
"In time, Tara."
"How the hell does he know my name?"
"I know much about you two. Two members of the Imp Tribe in Kakariko Village, twin siblings who have control of Electricity, Sand, and Fire, respectively. The male has the Mask of Truth, allowing him to see through any lie or illusion. The younger sister has a mean streak that she occasionally releases through her Sharking business.
"It's not Sharking!"
"That you, Koga, have the Triforce of Power as your Patron Goddess forced it upon you after Ganondorf's death."
"Enough! Who are you, and what do you want with us?"
"I thought you would never ask," the Glove voiced as if he was offended. "My name is Master Hand. And I have brought you two here to be part of my grand plan."
"Which is?"
"I'm glad you asked, Chai."
"You don't get to call me that."
"Fair enough. I have combined several worlds together and wish to invite their greatest heroes to battle and die for my amusement." Master Hand points its index finger at us. "But I predict their reactions will be less amicable than yours. I want you two to invite them to my place."
I look at Chai, and she looks at me before we give our answer.
"No way!"
"Absolutely not."
Master Hand motions in shock before laughing.
"As if you two have a choice. If you refuse me, I'll kill you both and find two more messengers who are more subservient. You two are smart enough to know I have the power to do so if I can break your reality so quickly. It isn't even difficult."
Chai and I remain silent as we both figure out that we, in fact, don't have a choice in the matter.
Master Hand snaps as twelve invitations appear in front of us.
"All you two have to do is head to the corresponding world and hand the invitation to the greatest hero there. Once given, the invitation will do the rest."
"What about the ones with question marks on them?"
"Those are Secret Invitations, as I have called them. You invite whoever you two wish from the combined world."
"Y'know, you White Entitled Bastard. You could tell us who these supposed heroes are," Chai brought up.
"I suspect the World's Two Greatest Detectives won't need my help to find the people I seek. Besides, the seals are enough of a lead."
"They're not leads at all! We might as well be swinging in the dark for eleven of these!"
"Make no mistake, Tara. My wishes will be fulfilled. Or both of your lives are forfeit. Now get going. And to remind you of your allegiance to me..."
He pointed at us again, burning my shirt and revealing a weird logo. Looking at Chai, I see her former Swirl Necklace was replaced with a necklace of the same symbol.
"Asshole! That was my favorite necklace!"
"And you will get it back after my will is done. Now go!"
Suddenly, Master Hand broke our reality and put us right back where we were with a snap as if nothing had happened. Feeling in my Coat Pocket, I take out the Twelve Invitations Master Hand forced on us; Chai and I are horrified.
"My office."
"Sounds like a plan."
Uneasily, we entered Chai's office, scrambled from how Master Hand broke reality so easily and forced us to be his mailmen. As we went inside, I sat down on the couch. Chai and I threw the twelve envelopes on the table as she went to take her black duster off.
"How powerful could Master Hand be? Not even the Creator Goddesses are this powerful."
"That's a misconception, Shinaaí. They don't involve themselves with us mortals so boldly. There's a massive difference," Chai said as she grabbed two beers from her fridge and tossed me one. "The real question you should be askin' is 'What are we gonna do with these invitations?'"
"A question that doesn't need asking, Chai. Considering we will be doing Master Hand's bidding against our will."
I look at the seals with various images on them. Some of them I recognize from traveling across worlds, but a couple I don't.
Chai sits across from me as she takes a swig of her beer. "I can tell I will have difficulty finding these poor sods. I'm nowhere near as well-traveled as you, Shinaaí. But if it means getting my swirl necklace back, I guess I'm all in."
"All in on what?" A feminine voice inquired. And then out she walked. Mary Astrid, Chai's secretary, North End Noble, and reformed Thief.
Mary Astrid, the The Noble Thief:
Chai and I have known Mary for years. When we first met, she initially tested my wit before hiring me to investigate the missing funds in her family accounts. She lent her aid as she was also a thief at the time. It turns out her father was embezzling the family funds and spending them on an affair. We outed him and sent him to jail. I hired Mary to be the Agency's Secretary while Chai was still a part of it. After Chai broke off, she took Mary with her. She may seem very nice and down-to-Hyrule now, but a few years ago? She was easily the most annoying person I have ever met.
We explained the situation the two of us found ourselves in and what we were now being forced to do.
"Sounds stressful. Makes me glad that we're not related, seeing as you two attract nothing but trouble."
"I'm shaggin' you, Mary. I mean, that technically counts."
Mary slapped Chai's arm playfully in response. "Have you two come up with a course of action?"
"Unless we want to die, we'll have to give these invitations out."
"Clearly, Koga. But surely you two can come up with some strategy? You two have done much more complicated things."
"Yeah, but to travel Outside of Hyrule? Shinaaí has done that before, but I'm going traversin' through the dark. So to speak."
"Oh, poor baby," Mary pouted for Chai as she pecked her. "How about you two split the invitations down the middle to six?"
"That's a start," I say. "Odds or evens, Chai?"
"Evens."
"Which means I got odds." I grab Invitation #1, which has a Mushroom for its seal. "I think I know where this location is, too. I'll head out in the morning."
Mary took Chai's beer and chugged it.
"Before you two go and save yourselves. Chai, the collection money?"
"Oh, almost forgot. Being threatened with your life makes you forget certain things." Chai sheepishly gave Mary the summed collection of rupees. "You may have an easy go of it than me, Shinaaí. I unfortunately have some diggin' to do. How about we meet up after we're halfway done? Tael and Tatl will keep us both in the loop."
"Alright. Meet back here after six?"
"Sounds like a plan. Now get goin', Shinaaí. I have work to do, and so d'you."
"Yeah. Thanks for the beer." I say goodbye to Chai for now before leaving her office.
"Man, how'd we end up in this shitstorm?" Tatl asked me as I walked back to my Hyrule Office.
"I don't know, but a seemingly omniscient French Glove won't threaten me. C'mon, Tatl. Let's get some rest before heading to our first stop."
"Where to?"
"The Mushroom Kingdom."